>>9649502
I've never gotten pleasure from helping people. I told myself that it was the right thing to do and struggled against every natural inclination to do it because I wanted to be "normal", but it was never natural, it was never easy, and I was occasionally in tears when the results were made apparent(that I was used a tool for others benefit)
>Chris chan will have an ever lasting influence but that is not something anyone should desire. Sometimes being forgotten is the better outcome.
Neither option is good here. But I'd say that being Chris-chan is only the same level of bad as being forgotten. And that's only because Chris-chan didn't weaponize his autism.
>There are ways, and they mostly involve improving yourself for the sake of others. Even if the person wasn't worthy and you feel fairly betrayed, you at least are now better than before.
Better in what way? A better tool?
Nah, fuck that
Like I said, I do my reps every day and do my best to be positive when it comes to my oshi. It's because I'm letting myself believe her when she lies about loving me. Eventually, the lie will break and I'll realize how much I hate this. How much I hate having worked so much harder for this higher income despite not really wanting this income or caring for it and the work required to get it, how much I hate developing hobbies and friends despite never wanting them and not finding them interesting, working on my body to be fit despite not caring, and overall just never being able to mean anything to anybody without being the loser in the exchange, and I'll go out and make a mark on somebody before ending my life
But that day isn't here yet. Today, I love my oshi, and I believe she loves me. That's enough for today.