/vt/ - Virtual Youtubers

Alright, it's the anon who's been posting about getting into streaming these past few threads, it makes me sound insane, and I probably won't get any serious replies, if any replies at all, but I figured I might as well put it all out regarding why I keep asking this, even though it makes me feel very very schizo, who knows, maybe I am.
>Be me, 19 year old virgin.
>Due to the pandemic I haven't been outside of the house for the majority of three years now, it's over, but I'm still a shut-in.
>Am diagnosed with anxiety and depression, which probably shows through some of my dumping in the thread, I try to manage it by soldiering on and being strong enough to comfort and provide for my friends and family.
>Somehow keep attracting mentally ill women (So like 90% of chuubas lol) as friends, my ex fell into this category too, why does this keep happening? No clue.
Anyway, that's all the background I feel comfortable sharing. I want to share as little as possible, since reportedly people involved read/post here, and I'd rather not make myself look more insane than I already do.

>Have never had an interest in Vtubing or chuubas before, think it's all just lonely men wasting their money on predatory women
>Get a video on Vtuber drama reccomended to me on YT, watch it out of boredom
>Normally, I'd just think it's funny, laugh it off, and move on, but for some reason, it refuses to leave my mind, I get invested, somewhat upset even about these people fighting each other.
>One in particular sticks harder than the rest, I'm not sure if she's what you would call my "oshi", and the term feels gross to use, so I'll just call her "Chuuba".
>I begin to feel a strange outpouring of sympathy and mercy for her, her design is like an amalgamation of characters I've liked, and, tasteless as it sounds, found attractive.
>The idea of becoming a streamer myself sets in, even though I know the odds are impossible.
>Think I might play Minecraft with friends and a bit of roleplay, and if I get big enough, invite other people to join in.
>Come to /vt/ after a while, from there to /vsj+/, learn more about everything, the culture and terms.
>Find out more about Chuuba too, the feelings of sympathy grow stronger, her personality seems similar to my own, and strongly reminds me of people I've known. I'm not going to say her name, but you can go ahead and guess, might be fun.
>And, without a better way to put it, this is where things get weird.
>Start to consider how strange it is that I didn't just laugh off the whole thing, but instead got attached and can't stop thinking about the whole thing.
>I try to accept that whatever it is that I'm hoping for, it will most likely not happen, and I'm just wasting my time.
>I feel like I'm being dragged in two directions, and am filled with constant anxiety, my heart sinks if I even think about vtubing, and yet, I can't look away.
>So, I do the only thing I can think of to do, I pray, stepping out in trust and praying that if God doesn't want me to carry forward, that He would show me something that would make me realize that Chuuba is beyond help before I go to sleep.
>I find nothing dealbreaking, but people do start posting about Chuuba after I ask, and something is posted that makes me relate to her even more.
>This happens every so often, I'm still incredibly anxious, but sometimes I'll pray about it, and sometimes people will post about things that seem relevant to whatever I prayed about. Sometimes even when someone else is streaming and the conversation has no reason to go there.
>One thing that becomes apparent to me, is that God does not want me to sexualize Chuuba.
>If I hornypost about her in a moment of weakness, I will get no replies every time, even if others do.
>In another moment of weakness, I download her koikatsu card.
>I put it in the card folder, and go to launch the game
>Mfw koikatsu is gone
>All the folders are there, but the .exe itself? Somehow, it's gone.
>The high wears off, and depression sets in.
>How can I be sure? Is this from God? Am I being called to reach out and be a friend to Chuuba? To support her? To minister to her? Is this all a temptation? A trick to lead me astray? Can the enemy use things prayed for against me? Or am I insane? Did I get a parasocial relationship to Chuuba that is eating me from the inside-out? Surely I must know that it's impossible? She already has her friend circle, I'm a nobody. I'm younger than her, I don't stream yet, and I'd surely fail to gain an audience even if I did. I'm not famous, how would I even reach out? Maybe I'm just stupid?
>The desire to try comes back again after I realize that I lose nothing by trying to start streaming. If God wants me to reach out to Chuuba, He'll open those doors, if He does not, He won't. I trust He is in control of this, and while I don't know why He's lead me here, I will see it through to the end.
(1/?)