/vt/ - Virtual Youtubers

is it menhera posting day?
when i was young my father died and my mother was deemed unfit to raise me so i was sent to my given to my grand parents. when i was there both of them abused me and filmed the abuse. my grand father died before the police was alerted and my grand mother was senile and unable to be prosecuted. when my mother got me back, she blamed me for dragging our family's name into the dirt and referred to me as a pornstar and a whore on a daily basis. i grew up to be afraid of any kind of affection and to confuse normal interaction with intimate ones, when my viewers talk to me and call me cute i get a rush of emotions both good and bad and i don't know how to respond. i'm always afraid that one day the videos my grand parents took of me would resurface and that i would get called a used good or a cumdumpster. i haven't slept with anyone, kissed anyone or even hugged anyone since those days. i don't masturbate, the thought of it makes me sick, i don't think i'll ever be able to love anyone and even if i could i don't think i would want to love anyone. all i want is to feel pure again. i never told anyone not because i don't want to but because i don't have anyone to tell. i feel bad for lying to my viewers but i can't tell them the truth. i'm not ready for it. i don't think i'm ready for therapy yet either.