/vt/ - Virtual Youtubers

Something was revealed to me last night, that for all my posturing about loving and wanting to support her platonically,
I had a dream where my oshi was posting JOI on some secret forum she invited me too.

Literally just the day before I had sent a birthday letter.
What I believed to be as heartfelt a message of support as I could muster, despite being totally autistic and a bad writer.
I 'thought' I was being honest.
Totally hacking my guts up, I cried like some good little cuck after finishing it.

But is this just total fucking bullshit and I'm just horny? Are men just cursed like this?
I unironically believed in myself, that I could love her as my oshi without it crossing that line.

What the fuck do I do. I also blame her for being a typical ENtuber, and bringing up shit like
>teehee benis cum dick
>You wanna be my boyfriend? Eww no way

But shes not that flirty, she dogwhistles gfe and panders, and thats about it.
Its not like shes some sex fiend like Tulsi, whos design is pure coom. That I could get. I fell anyway.

Do I just give up and start lusting after her?
Or do I attempt to control myself, knowing I have unfulfilled urges.

As a man, I feel pathetic. Right after promising to be her biggest fan, my subconscious just immediately tells me what I actually want is to coom.
Is this really all there is in the end?