/vr/ - Retro Games

Boobies.

tvtropes.com, Video Games - Better Than it Sounds
/thead

You spend hours running around looking for random shit that doesn't really have any impact on the game beyond being a key to open some door all the way across the world or gain a small increase in health or ammo capacity.

>>2441693
Leisure Suit Larry.

It all started by a group of bad actors running away from dogs and then most of them got killed by disabled people that could barely even walk properly. You spend most of the game looking for keys to open wooden doors you could easily break down with your foot or weapons.

A loser wastes time doing boring shit in a setting that rips off Disneyland.

>>2441886
resident evil

This game is completely lacking in the originality department.

First of all, this guy has literally NO real powers of his own, everything has to either be handed to him or he has to steal it. He just fights, in short, he's a dick.

The one thing that defines him, copying and stealing, shouldn't. You'd think...he was more than that.

>>2441898
this describes a surprising amount of games

you are, for no good reason at all, responsible for saving the earth from a scientist who never actually invented anything himself. you play through 8 really short nonsensical levels and then through another level that is split into multiple parts for no reason. in the middle of this last level you have to fight a mini boss which you will end up fighting at least 3 times because its total bullshit. you then have to fight all the bosses again just to waste your time because they ran out of ideas. you then beat the scientist who WHAT A TWIST is an alien but they even ruin that by immediately revealing that he isn't an alien at all after you only hit him 6 times. you then just walk the fuck away and the last screen implies that the earth wasn't really even damaged at all and everyone forgot about you. the end

>>2441965
megaman 2

>>2441949
Kirby a qt tho

>>2441959
Wrong, the answer was Monkey Island.

>>2441949

Megaman

>>2441683
Primitive barbarians and spacenoids team up to save the galaxy through lasers and magic.

You walk around caves with ridiculous encounter rates only to die to an instant kill spell and lose 2 hours of progress.

You shoot at everything until everyone dies.

>>2441886
You barely have any mean to defend yourself and most of the ammo is hidden everywhere. Plus it's hard to avoid enemies or even fight due to crippled controls; and in case you still aren't bored yet the game will take care of that with tons of puzzles, some of which have a stupid way to be solved (how the fuck was I supposed to know I had to check the book in the menu and press the action book with the book set a precise angle ?!)

>>2441683
You fly around trying not to let any little white dots touch you, and restart the whole game if you lose a life.

You run around barely recognisable environments designed by a retarded architect so you shoot people and flying meatballs from mars because some assholes made a portal to hell because the designers didn't like having a decent fucking story in their game.

Autism at its finest.

you play a little boy who shoots eggs at anthropomorphized objects and a ufo that makes an annoying warble and rides his dog around

Its about a whiny teenage boy looking for his mommy.

1 - The fighting is clunky, you can eat but it serves no purpose, the story is cliché as fuck.
You never get laid even though there is a girl wanting to fuck you.
You buy toys but you can't store them all together in a shelf of anything.
You have to fucking work in the game.
And you'll never know what happens in the end.

2 - Nip nop ching chong with jpop hair from the 80s goes around hitting people with a pipe and disturbing peace. Hit detection sucks. Franchise went downhill after the N64 era.

3 - You run around stealth killing people who are blind and can't see you if you crouch. Even if they see you they'll just say "meh" and go back to whatever the fuck they were doing. You can't see shit over three feet ahead of you and everything will clip on everything else. Also, there is no story.

>>2441683
You save some ungrateful bitch

>>2442365
>2
GANBARE, SO GANBARE

>>2441683
RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE
>done

You play as an a̶n̶i̶m̶e̶ ̶l̶o̶l̶i androgynous saddle-lizard who rearranges blocks and drops garbage

>>2442298
Not sure if mocking thread or contributing example

Time traveling vampires arguing philosophy with each other.

A homewrecker drives two brothers against each other.

>>2443236
Sounds like a Castlevania game.

>>2443252
Nah, wrong.
Does anybody in Castlevania actually time travel? I actually didn't play any of the games, to be honest. I'm kinda ashamed of that.
Well, OK, also a giant squid is a big bad.

you push a rock into lightning and then shoot monsters for the rest of the game

>>2443280
Half-Life.

You fight for christ against the damned

A geriatric man has hidden some killer robots in garages, and somehow this is a grave threat to the world. The hero is a blatant Astro Boy rip-off who changes into the most FAAAAAAABULOUS colors because he's the most uncool, un-Western thing imaginable.

Every fucking game follows the same formula, half are garbage, and the developers seem to have totally lost interest in the series.

At least it's not Sonic the Hedgehog.

I'll get someone else to do it for me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-V8CnrEDgM

>>2443545
Stop talking shit bout Mega Man.

>>2443545
>describe your favorite franchise

>>2443236
Legacy of Kain

>>2443593
You guessed it.
I still can't believe they managed to play time traveling vampires straight and actually make it work.

>>2441683
Some coke-addled furry runs around like an idiot stealing jewelry and causing massive amounts of property damage to spite some fat STEMlord. Autism ensues.

You press a button to shoot enemies, then another button to exit the level. You do the same thing for 30-odd levels.

>>2443615
solved by
>>2443545

> no NPCs
> no way to die
> walking around flicking switches
> watching postage-stamp-sized videos

You play as a geometric shape, fighting other geometric shape, in a game that appears to be designed by children and designed to be played by them

It's the original walking simulator, but unlike Dear Esther or Gone Home it does not run above 1fps. You can replicate the experience of it by clicking on random Powerpoint slides.

>You play as the badass son of a demon, who can't be beaten because he is super strong. He has a dark side because his father is a demon and his mom is dead, and his brother hates him. He has a super badass broad sword and you can get all sorts of guns to kill people. He also wears a trench coat and sometimes fingerless gloves. He doesn't let anyone bully him and he is constantly eating pizza like a badass.

>>2443638
>Not Retro: The Videogame

What part of your favourite franchise didn't you understand, people.

>>2441965
reason, reason, give me a reason

>>2443638
You're a retard. Gb2/v/.

>>2441693
Lara Croft Boob Raider?

>>2443563
Dude, I fucking LOVE Mega Man. I'd rather play the worst of the Mega Man series than the best of Sonic the Hedgehog.

The whole point of the thread is to make fun of our favorite games' worst aspects.

>>2443615
sly cooper

A rat releases a demon lord and you have the duty of defeating it for terribly random reasons. Also, your neck has natural bling.
So, you go to reverse America to survive and seek help of two really lazy gods.

You just spend days checking random objects to make sure they dont do anything or have items in them, talk to random strangers who offer no infromation, doing 100's of battles to level up everyone to 99 then blowing it off on the final boss and never be able to use your hard earned chars again.

>>2443743
Every JRPG

>>2443262
Legacy of Kain then?

You go to war against people who don't have the same favorite color as yours.
Your character rides a horse that seems to be very old and tired because it needs a whole day break after running a few meters.
Your character's trousers apparently have very large pockets because they can hold an infinity of items that go from wood logs to living creatures in them.
Biology is a mess overall. The gestation period lasts no longer than one week and every creature is born a full grown adult. Also, every single of them seems to suffers from the same face syndrome and is apparently not thicker than a sheet of paper, given thousands of them can all stand in a very small hexagon.
Living in this world must suck because people pay taxes daily.

>>2443753
Yeah, already confirmed it: >>2443602

>>2443754
>people pay taxes daily.
It's real life, I need to sudoku ;u;

>>2441693
Dead or Alive?

>>2442113
... Phantasy Star?

>>2442120
This describes a lot of old school JRPGs, but it sounds the most like Final Fantasy I.

>>2442225
Sounds like a series doomed to obscurity.

>>2442318
I honestly have no fucking idea.

>>2442354
Final Fantasy VII? From Sephiroth's perspective?

>>2442945
I, too, love Tetris Attack.

>>2443236
Pic related.

>>2443628
Myst.

>>2443630
Zork, Shadowgate, Hugo's Haunted House?

>>2443663
>What part of your favourite franchise didn't you understand, people.
the ufo ending in silent hill

>>2442318
Mother?

>>2443785

>>2443630 was also Myst.

>franchise
/v/ is in the other direction, shill

A major metropolitan city lacks any traffic at all (except trollies) allowing you to drive as reckless as you want.

You fly around and stab steampunk pigs who are doing the bidding of some super computer AI which is never really explained.

>>2443894
Rocket Knight?

>>2443785
>This describes a lot of old school JRPGs, but it sounds the most like Final Fantasy I.

SMT, but FF1 works as well

>>2443910

Yes Or Sparkster to play within the rules

Can this be seen as some shill underhandedness, a training in emotional self-deprecation? Who better to have ruin your vidya pleasantries, than yourself, taking care of the 'hobby/industry entitlement' and 'good taste' accumulated through the years, presumably, of fun.

Would save those abhuman licecunts a whole lot of work. Wouldn't even have to data mine that hard with a blank suggestion, posited in this manner.

I've talked to some of these creeps. One of their goals is, as the manual they operate upon instructs, to 'make room' for 'industry novelties', meaning heinous hokey they've been hired to shill over. Making room by shitting all over anything you should hold dear that they can replace with a current model. Bruteforcing you into compliance.

whoever gets to the power weapons first always wins meaning that 10 minute matches are decided in the first 20 seconds but you can't quit, also this game invented fps

A ginger goes around humping monsters to death, his quest culminates in a fight against an old Windows screensaver that spams lasers and wrecks floors. The second game is more humping, this time with magic.

>>2443946
Goldeneye?
The weapons part seems like it but the fps part doesn't.

>>2443983
Ys

>>2444000
Halo, smart guy.

>>2443859
san francisco rush?

War...War never changes.

It's all about cow management. There's tribe relations, food, raids, and long lasting myths, but it really pales in comparison to the cows. And you don't even get to see what the cows look like.

>>2444008
yep

You Rollerblade through Vancouver without turning ever. After every 5-8 miles of skating you must replace your wheels and pads.

>>2441832
>>2443723
>>2443785
Those all work for >>2441693

run right till you reach the end

>>2442298
Minecraft

>>2443739
Shining Force 2. Good choice of favorite game, btw. You were supposed to do a whole franchise rather than a single iteration, though

Bad guys have lazer towers, flamethrowers and invisible tanks.
Good guys have missiles, granades, commandoes and 2 cannon huge tanks.
>All is for teh green shit

So much weebo shit, tetris with combos, 6 combos fuck them all.
>Robuttnick had a game like this.

>>2445038
panel de fag!

You come from a fatherless home (but you arn't black surprisingly) anyway this bug tells you that shit is going down so you go collect your crew of children and and the end of the game you kill yourself so you can become a machine and win the day

>>2442225
half life?

>>2445425
God if they weren't children i'd say mass effect 3

>>2442225
doom

>>2445425
Earthbound, nigga.

chinese people fight with numbers

A guy is pissed off and sleep deprived so he kills countless random people , unleashes a dark God, and eventually blows up the moon

Some Schwarzenegger rip-off decides to go kick some alien butts because he ran out of bubble gum.

>>2442952
Well that was funny, but not intentional.
It was sonic anyway.

You and your friends get trapped in a 60s spy movie villian's mansion and have to solve wacky puzzles to find your way out while avoiding the sick residents of the house and their pets.

>>2445831
Resident Evullll.

Some random child must save his kingdom but, for some stupid reason, decides to do so by defeating his enemies in a hand game instead of simply beating the shit out of them.

>>2445853

I wish it ended with them unmasking the final Tyrant and revealing that it was Wesker all along.

>>2445864
alex kidd?

Fatass plumber has to chase after some chick that keeps getting kidnapped by a fucking turtle.

>>2445926
pole position

>>2445913
Yes.

Two brothers beat the crap out of the punks who kidnapped a stupid bitch and disturbed their awkward love triangle.

>>2441683
Edgy, angsty teen has no fucking clue who he is and has to escape a hospital where the staff are completely incompetent and preform blowjobs on eachother's dead corpses. The controls suck and the voice acting makes Resident Evil look good. There is a gauge that constantly goes up and you can never stop it unless you take a pill that is totally finite and the game is properly designed to take into consideration that your entire playthrough is more or less timed.

>>2441683
Half the game is spent sitting around watching people walk past you. Occasionally you climb on something.

woodland animals beat up an old lady

You play as a blue fur fag cat who is trying to save save some other fur fag from the mafia by bopping them with a toy gun.

wow this really got out of hand...well I guess mine is a time traveling asshole ruins the last place doesnt destroy by polution and you a sad fuck and your sad friends try to stop him using their wicked rhytm

>>2446023

Banjo Kazooie?

A borderline autistic man runs around the ocean chasing some pussy.

>>2446063
yup. they also make jokes about disabilities

nah, mother 3

>>2442083
Correct

>>2441972
Also a good answer

A group of effeminate weebs fight other groups of effeminate weebs until they reach the host of the event that is a bad guy trying to take over the world in a convoluted way every year, yet they keep joining the event anyway.

>>2446145
sf2

>>2446145
KOF

>>2441683
You repeatedly travel through time and save the day because you're the only one who ever shows up to work

>>2444959
Ah shit, you are right about the franchise thing.
Anyway jackpot.

>>2446210
Bingo.

>>2446410
Journeyman Project?

Main character is a no-named super-duper awesome dude who became a 'space marine' on mars after beating the shit out of his own CO.
The super-duper evil corporation opens a portal to hell on the moons of mars, however no explanation of why one planet disappears is ever given.
Every other space-marine gets killed, but you go through the moon bases and hell and return to earth to save everyone on earth and then you kill Satan (but he's just a fucking wall texture and a retarded sound effect).
The story is so shallow you couldn't wash dishes in it. The backstory is only mentioned on in the manual, however it is a shareware game so manuals are most likely rare. The rest of the story is told in text walls that take for ever to end if you don't skip them and the writing is dog shit.
The gameplay is your regular shootem up with the added gimmick of '2d environments' however you can't look up, down or jump. The enemies are either insta-hit gunners, slow fireball throwers or a whole load of bullshit.
The music is plagiarised from several well known metal bands and the sound effects are all from sound libraries.
The level design gets worse as time goes by and sometimes has horrendous glitches and missing textures.
The hacks for this game are all unoriginal sprite-rips and generic levels.

Hopefully this is the last we see of this trash. It proves that 3d graphics always sacrifice actual effort and quality.

>>2441683
You're the fated hero who will save the princess and defeat the evil villain.

>>2446592
Mario the Hedgehog

It's a platformer and you can just fly over every obstacle. There's no limit to how long you can stay airborne, so holes are literally no challenge at all. Enemies pose almost no threat since most don't leave the ground and their attack patterns consist of walking left. You can just throw enemies back at others to increase your score, which is meaningless of course.
In later games you can use different moves to kill the harmless enemies, but you can only use one move at a time. Even these moves are completely useless since every level is designed to be playable without them, i.e. flying over obstacles.

Everything mentioned above is applicable to boss fights as well.

You play an idiot wondering around islands waiting for stuff to happen to him. He eventually confronts pirates, but all he knows how to do is to get into lame "lolsoquirky" insult fights.
You can't progress through the games without a help manual or a guide because the puzzles are cryptic as fuck

A CHILD RAPIST SAVES THE WORLD

You buy old jap cars, run in tracks and spend money buying other jap cars

>>2447346
Gran Tourismo

>>2442365
1 - Shenmue
2 - Goemon
3 - MGS: VR Missions

>>2443252
[spoilers]No More Heroes[/spoilers]

>>2446603
...Bonk?

>>2446583
Correct

This game has nothing to do with dinosaurs.

>>2445978
Double Dragon?

>>2442134
Devil may cry 2

>>2442217
Balloon fight

>>2442135
Martian Gothic unification

>>2447946
Yes.

>>2442134
Too vague.
Metal Slug? Contra?

>>2442134
Sounds fucking awesome to me

Your character has absolutely no special abilities, and must completely rely on items to survive. In many ways he's inferior to normal humans, as sometimes he can't perform simple tasks such as running, jumping, or lifting without certain "magical" tools. Often accompanied by an annoying, useless sidekick. Also, he dresses like a sissy.

You kill bats with the power of candles.

>>2449979

>>2446069

Take the role of a magician with blobs, deal with a bunch of crazies, and try not to get raped by the devil.

>>2449979
Good old Zelda

>>2445809
Sam the Serious Duke

>>2445026

A group of green hamsters are trying to save their asses building stairs and blowing shit up.

It's basically a cow-clicker where you build a city that lets you build more cities so those cities can build even more cities until eventually you go into space.

>>2447910
>Indian chasing some dinosaurs

>>2450251

>>2450251

>Lemmings?

>>2450261
mah leeman

>Ok, hardmode on.
A group of earthworms blowing shit up with sheeps and bananas

>>2450271

.. uh... Worms?

That's not even a crappy description. That's just, the description.

Strategically place plants in your yard for best results, while being annoyed by brainless, hygeine-challenged visitors.

Two stoner aliens lost pieces of their spacecraft and are in the earth stealing Santa's presents and avoiding mailboxes

people piss themselves all the fucking time. breaks the four wall every second. theres a nerd who keeps crying all the time, a guy no one wanted, but I suppose he got more tolerable as it went on, and one of the most adorable little girls ever.

>>2442134
Sonic Hedgehog

>>2450258
Civ and Civ 2 were the only games I could play over and over even after I "beat " the game. It got overly complicated later on to be as much fun. Like Sim City did.

Fast blue mario but instead of fighting a giant dragon you fight an average American

2 fat reptiles shooting bigass bubbles

>>2450284

Toejam and Earl.

>>2450293
>average American

Spooky skellington is the dead

At the end u must kill a blue bald guy head that is god.

Shoot green shit at walking asses

>>2442134

Doom?

>>2450314
Watchmen: Rorschach's Revenge

>>2443726
>half are garbage
>I love Megaman

I can't reconcile these thoughts, either you are very confused or I am.

>>2445870
>Tyrant kills Wesker
>Unmask Tyrant, it was really Wesker!
>Unmask Wesker
>It was really Jill?!
>Unmask Jill
>a sandwich pops out

>>2446037
Rockin' Kats, yo.

>>2450352
No, I know, I get it. It's contradictory. But Mega Man is a prodigal child, and so I judge him more harshly for becoming content with himself and wallowing in mediocrity. The difference in quality between a good Mega Man game (insert your favorite here, mine is Mega Man 9) and a mediocre Mega Man game (3, 5, 6, 8, unless you like any of those, I don' want any trabble) is very small compared to the typical gaps in quality within other NES fare, but it feels bigger to me.

So, yes. I'm confused. Can we at least agree that R&B is not a good game? No? Okay, I'm not going to push the subject.

ROBOT PLANES ROBOT PLANES ROBOT PLANES SPACE MUSIC AND MORE ROBOT PLANES

you play a misogynistic pig whos only appeal is shouting extremely cheesy one liners from outdated action films.

>>2450507
Duke 3D.

>>2450357
>>a sandwich pops out
I love you, Anon-kun.

You get thrown in a big hole, where nobody want to know your Name. You learn a lot of shit, get hit by a stone and forget everything.

Your some faggy blonde kid in a diaper that runs through a little jungle with ear-raping music playing.
In the sequels you play as babies in plastic armor that walk at a snails pace and swing toy swords around over and over again.
Most of the shop keepers are the designers' fursonas.

>>2450327
Yeah.

>>2443786
... Well played.

>>2450817
Wonder Boy

>>2450854
Bingo.

>>2445451
lol

>>2450817
>>2450854
>Wonder Boy
>ear raping music
Just don't play the games on SMS.

>>2450892
Forgot to link these :
https://youtu.be/ZWkr8oCHt60
https://youtu.be/qFXuzD2LKEo

>>2450892
>>2450896
I know the other games have great music, I was trying to make it sound bad. It's the thread theme, anon. You can't deny that this low quality conversion of an already repetitive tune is ear-raping.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHXPcBK7524
Yeah, crank THAT shit up.
Also I don't care for Dynastic Hero's schmaltzy generic score, I prefer Monster World III's ost.

>>2450915
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHXPcBK7524
Yeah, you have a point.

Not retro, but...
You show up and enslave everyone and lead them to their own death.

RTS with cigar smoking robots

>>2450314
Shin Megami Tensei

>>2450963

>>2450952
Pokemon

>>2447641
Close.
Everybody always confuses Tenchu for MGS, but I don't blame you.

You are God beating the shit out centaurs, goblins and weirdos of Satan with a huge sword. You must build cities with angels.
>why no a sequel Square-Enix?

>>2451120
I said not retro.
>>2451137
Act Raiser?

>>2451141
mah nigga

>>2450295
2 gay kiddos with retarded hair shoots rainbows at cute ass bees

Badass spy fish with a smoking is pimpin' some asses

Humpty-Dumpty with a sombrero collects shit from the ground and is a friend of a wizrd that have some hard ass puzzles.

Space bubbles blow up watermelons, radios, and Thigh Masters by the truckload to an endlessly repeating selection of three songs.

A retarded anelid founds a mega space suit and now must beat a weird crow with a fishbowl on the head and save a long-ass-named female bee, with the company of an insane dog.

>>2451204
You forgot to mention all the classical music.

>>2443558
I just wasted 11 minutes Ill never get back watching this shit, please enlighten me, how does this relate to the subject, please explain

DUDE! WHAT IF EINSTEIN WENT BACK IN TIME AND KILLED HITLER!

>>2451467
Day of the Tentacle Porn?

>>2451467
Red alert

You play as this little kid cat that has this blue ball that is his friend, and run around inflating innocent looking creatures, and use them as platforms to get to higher places.

There's this creepy Fuck McBirdface that has a retarded clown henchman with him, that has kidnapped a little girl and is plotting to fuck everything up, and it's your job to stop him.

Kids who wear goggles are forced to leave their quiet, safe village and go battle deities because all of the experienced warriors are too lazy or old to help them. Most of the bosses are fought not because they have any relevance, but because they're simply in the way of the doors they need to get past. The final bosses will always be jokes, except for one of the games where he'll be near-on impossibly difficult, just to dick players for having complained about easy final bosses before.

>>2451191
Puzzle Bobble II?

>>2451760
Klonoa?

>>2451763
Of course

>>2451765
Superb taste.

>>2451762
Okay I am curious what game is this

>>2443403
mah nigga

>>2445038
Puyo Puyo. Or Puyo Pop. Or Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine. Or Kirby's Avalanche. Or holy fuck they rebranded this game a lot.

>>2451760
Fuck, i never knew that there's another game different than Dig-Dug with that kind of weapon, thats brutal.

You are an angry red and yellow robot-looking man made by floating pieces who lost his flag and a bunch of fleas are invading an acid trippy looking world with awesome music.
>And you can drive strange vehicles and become a firefighter for a while.
>And moustaches and old films

>>2452470
>there will never be a plok sequel

>>2451762
Talkin about these cheeky bastards?

Some wop plumber does mushrooms while on the job and trips about some magical kingdom.

You visit your father's house, then everything goes upside down.

>>2442134
>>2450327
How could this have been anything other than the first guess? Yikes.

>>2441807
dark souls

>>2441683
generic knight/ princess story in generic fantasy world where only the villain and the things in the world are slightly different.

>>2441898
universal theme park

Hold right. Jump on fat man 8 times.

>>2452526
No, but that is a great game.

>>2451760
A guy and his boob

A smartass scientist makes a wormhole in his house and travels to a weird world dominated by big guys with potatato-ass looking faces, they have lazer and shit.

Your characters have no personality, you start in the middle of nowhere with no idea what to do and if you go to far the wrong way be prepared to get fucked in the ass

>>2453235
Dark/demon souls

>>2453231
I'd say Another World, but I think everything starts in a laboratory and not the guy's house.

>>2453235

>>2453231
I'd say Boogerman, but there are no lazers.

Jesus appears and said "move yo ass up from your tomb", later, you must get all steroids to get ripped as hell and become a fucking beast and smash some friggin' ass ugly bald guy.

Fucking JRPGs, in fact, calling them "role playing game" is a fucking joke when you don't roleplay shit and you just listen to the story of a bunch of faggots through boring battles that require no skill and just memorizing spells and attacks.

>>2453249
Altered Beast

>>2453254
muh niggah

This cowboy looking dude is resurrected and must battle his way through a bunch of horror movie cliches and the game is littered with shit they stole from good horror movies.

>>2453259
Darkwatch or GUN

Dog is rappin' some tunes with a chinese onion kung fu dude, du, duh, DUD

>>2453259
Nope, I haven't played either of those games.

>>2453272
Parappa the Rappa

>>2453258
>PS2 version
Ew.

Englishman with moustache goes to an old California house to investigate some piano and gets fucked in the ass by terrifying polygon wolf-frogs that came from the windows and oldschool zombies. You can do some karate shit.

>>2453259
Blood?

>>2453278
mah niggah
>Piriappah the Rapist

You run around with sniper rifles and shoot lasers at mallgoths and cows.

>>2453293
Right on the mark!

>>2453290
Alone In The Dark.
That shit spooped me when I was a kid.

>rummage through some dusty stuff in the attic
>zombie pops from a trap
>kill him with the shotgun
>resume my exploration
>some motherfucker breaks in through the window
>poop pants

>>2453287
>when you think that the only game is from genesis/snes but there's a ps2 sequel

Oh no, my gf is dead and I must be buff and rescue her!

>>2453303
MOVE THE FUCKING ARMCHAIR
OSHI-

>>2453304
Damn I didn't know about this one.

I've just watched a video about it and it seems they literally took the original game and just replaced all the sprites with shitty 3D models.

>>2453305
Hercules, or any other game about him?

>>2452510

Some guy on a flying board with a cool power ranger red costume is blasting giant dragons, robots, jellyfishes and scary shit around a trippy acid world.
>aaaaaahhhhh, GET READY?

Take Alice & Wonderland, and replace the qt little girl with a fat, ugly guy with a 70s porn mustache.

This is about as hard modo as the game it refers to can get.

>>2453307

Sega remade a bunch of their old arcade games for the PS2, and they're all terrible.

>>2453320

Including this one. It somehow looks worse than the original Space Harrier.

Also, you suck at making it sound shitty.

>>2453312
No, something more dark and bloody

>>2453335
Splatterhouse?

fuzzy mammal eats fruit and has to fight some midget scientist with jaundice

>>2453343
Crash Bandicoot

>>2453345
yep

>>2453345

Poochie Bandicoot

it's a game series about animal abuse and fatherless children.

>>2453353
Mother

>>2453353
Pikaman

>>2453353
Thats almost 90% of /vr/

>>2453365
Animals don't say no.

>>2453363
That was what I had in mind although I tried to be vague so >>2453362 is also an acceptable answer. Both of you get points

Ugly ayy lmao with the power of making headaches is trying to get the fuck out from the jail, but frog people have some guns.

Dude call everyone he knows (including enemies) to a kart race

Fly over Easter Island in a shitty, underpowered spaceship.

Stupid cat with adhd can fly.
All could be go wrong.

You and your family are sent in place that looks like the universe's asshole.
Your only friends are the local peasants who live in igloos made either of rock or dung and some disgusting looking animals.
You get to be the emperor's bitch until LE EBIN PLOT TWIST DUN-DUN-DUN happens.

>>2453386

A plumber that can cure virical and bacterial infections

>>2453405
mah niga

Green Rambo rabbit is pissed off by some nerdy tortoise

Hitler is a giant robot

>>2453416
https://youtu.be/TPM5I2u8ZWQ

>>2453435
Jazz was the MSDos mascot like Sonic and Mario with their respectives, too bad that EPIC is too busy with shitty games like Gears of Whore to get back this motherfucker again.
>Also, my nigga!

>>2453339
YES

>>2453401
Bubsy

>>2453418

You had one job.

>>2453487
Possibly

>>2453527

>>2453527

A midget from the Bronx goes around in short shorts and punches a variety of ethnic stereotypes in the face.

>>2453527

>>2453710
Punch Out?

>>2453527

>>2453730
mah nigra

>>2453453
Jazz be that motherfucker

Your father had sex with a lot of women before getting shanked. Most of your brothers and sisters want you dead to get Dat sweet family enterprise

>>2453762
Thousand Arms?

Your sister is kidnapped and later your friend dies so you go put together jigsaw puzzles while your other friend acts like an asshole 24/7

>>2453783

Tooie.

>>2453791
Both banjo-Kazooie (sister kidnapped) and Tooie but yes

>>2453796

Yeah, but Bottles didn't die in Kazooie, which is what I assumed you were referring to.

>>2453810
>your sister is kidnapped
Kazooie
>then later your friend dies
Tooie

OP asked me to describe a series so I described both games, though I did word it confusingly

>>2453814

My mistake, I didn't read "franchise" in the OP. Carry on.

Chipmunk makes ass and tits jokes the entire game

Some hardcore ranger enters a variety of fucked up dimensions and you must throw grenades at zombies cuz the other weapons can't do shit.

>>2453819
Conker's Bad Fur Day and Live and Reloaded

Nerdy kid encounters b-movie monsters, panics and runs around throwing everything that isn't nailed down at them.

>>2453836
my negga

>>2441683
Monster hunter.


...Wait, I was supposed to describe it...

>>2453857
you play as a weeaboo wielding impossibly giant weapons that would be entirely impractical and useless in any other situation. you spend a large amount of your time wandering through boring lifeless areas looking for a monster which is just a giant version of something that already exists / existed. the monsters barely put up a fight as you swing whatever giant stupid weapon you choose at it. you then repeat this boring process forever

>>2451763
Close but no.. Stinger.

A rich NEET who owns Los Angeles determines that his wealth needs sharing, so he arranges a city-wide competition amongst automobile aficionados in which the surviving participant is granted the luxury of a life of his or her choice. The first competition was such a huge success that it's second reincarnation included both hemispheres of pre-9/11 America.

>>2450381
Holy shit other people have played this?

A guy that has a bad relationship with his father time travels to a scenario where he fucks his daughter.

>>2442298

sonic

>>2445864
>random
>for some reason

I hate this shit when people talk about old games.

You pilot not-Gundams using two dildos with buttons on them

You play as a mortal man who gets to kill Satan and his minions.

With little effort.

>>2456342
Okay, Rain Man.

>>2456452
V-ON, mah nigga

This fat greedy bitch gets money.

You fight eight bosses only to fight them again before the final boss

>>2456484
ghosts n goblins? diablo?

>>2441683
You have to collect faces to get more faces, and once you get enough faces you fight a big face.

>>2456676
Link: The Faces of Evil.

>>2454585
Twisted Metal

>>2444157
King of Dragon Pass

>>2441683
It's an FPS style game where you play a brooding anti-hero, but your only "gun" is used more for launching water balloons than actually killing anyone. It doesn't matter anyway since if you ever do get into combat you're either going to run away or quickload. The levels are sprawling and labyrinthine, and the only maps you get for them are sketches the the main character doodled on the back of a napkin. The main character is an utter dick who cares more about paying his landlord than the actual plot of the game.

>>2457892
Thief.

>>2443629
Space Invaders or Asteroids?

>>2450305
Grim Fandango?

>>2452550
kek

>>2453295
UT99?

>>2453394
CTR?

Mine: you play as a pink haired faggot and throw shit at pigs.

>>2457968

Based Tomba.

There's a fight between WWII pilots and space furries and only the white men survive

A dinosaur can endure 15 handgun bullets without dying.

>>2441683
The second game was the best but is still the black sheep of the entire series because the fanbase is a toxic, amorphous bandwagoning mass of teenagers trying to fit in. Basically this fag boy in tights and a skirt runs errands for an entire country even while the world is in constant danger of being overrun by a pig, seemingly just so he can impress a princess who giggles at him but they never seem to fuck despite being reincarnated for each generation in their lineages that span every single era the kingdom they reside in passes through

>>2459631
TLoZ

>>2446603
Kirby

The series pretty much does 1 button hack and slash over and over, while being extremely edgy.

This series started being a mashup of a bunch of old shows until the devs started introducing OC Donut Steels and now the series is entirely about them and the whole mashup thing never even happened in one of the new timelines.

>>2459863
Super Robot Wars

>>2441683
Out of the middle of fucking nowhere a space bird shows up and tells you that only you can save his homeworld. All you've got is a shitty baseball bat and some pills to beat the shit out of flying plates and a giant piece of tempura shrimp.

>>2459880
Monster Party!

>>2459880
Mother 4

>>2441683
YOU START THE GAME AS SOME BROKE FOOT SOLDIER AND END UP WORKING FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST USING YOU AND THEN YOU DOUBLE CROSS THEM AND BECOME SOME HOT SHOT RICH GUY

>>2460734

GTA Vice City Stories

A pig steals an elf's girlfriend and the elf gets so mad he stabs a bunch of monsters to death and steals their Doritos.

It's like Scooby Doo but with hentai

>>2442113
Star ocean

>>2452565
Sotn

A DURR A DURF DA HER DA GERR DA DERR

A THHHHPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTT
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOdpX6dcrU4

>>2461000
Link isn't an elf GOD DAMN IT

TRIGGERED

>>2461350
Resident evil 1 ps1/psx version.

>>2445801
I actually kinda want to know this one. Can't guess it.

>>2459819
Golden Axe?

>>2461734
nope

>>2459631
Well I would say Zelda but that first thing you said wouldn't fit.

>>2459819
Devil May Cry isn't retro

wikipedia simulator with smooth jazz

>>2462589
He was referring to Ninja Baseball Batmen.

You run from the beginning of the level until you reach the end of the level.

A lot of the games, roughly half, are complete trash.

>>2462651
Sonic