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[ERROR] No.9006052 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

I posted this very early this morning but the late night/early morning group is pretty small.

I wrote a character background/history I'm fairly proud of. I'd like to hear your thoughts, critiques, and any cool character backgrounds/histories you've written.

>> No.9008984

What's wrong fa/tg/uys? TL;DR? I'd think you guys wouldn't be put off by a wall of text.

>> No.9009012

Like we care about your characters background.

>> No.9009013


You were wrong. Summarize that shit

>> No.9009038

I tried to read it but was put off by the fucking grammar mistakes.


>> No.9009110

I invite you to go through and make all the grammatical corrections you like.

>> No.9009154

Seriously, we don't give a shit.

>> No.9009197

Dude, fuck you. If you want me to read you character background don't act like a giant twat bag. I am not going to fix your shitty grammar and if you won't fix it, I won't read it.

Seriously fuck you, man.

>> No.9009284

"Giant twat bag"? I don't think I've said anything to appear a "giant twat bag". I accept the fact that I'm not particularly educated and consequently don't know what grammatical errors you're speaking of. If you would show me the things I did wrong, or things that are questionable I'll likely learn and not make the same mistakes later.

>> No.9009292

Hey /tg/ read my character back story and tell me what you think.

Oh come one /tg/, why hasn't anyone read it yet? Its not like its really fucking long or anything.

"You fucked up a lot of grammar here."


>> No.9009332

I think I just said that I don't know what the mistakes are. If I knew I wouldn't have made them.

>> No.9009337

This is bad and you should feel bad.

>> No.9009349

Guys, seriously. The best way to show this twat that we don't care is to not reply. Stop replying. If this thread continues at its current pace of faggotry, I am just going to start dumping touhou. Don't make me start dumping touhou when I'm trying to study ::(

>> No.9009365

>face full of indignity
what the fuck am i reading.jpg

>> No.9009382



>> No.9009410

I should have said "his face full of rage/anger at the indignity."

>> No.9009414

Kid is disowned because his family is poor. He becomes a traveling performer. Beats up a drunk and becomes enrolled in Wizarding school.

Just save you guys some time.

>> No.9009435

But I hate touhou :<

>> No.9009441




seriously you cant even keep up with your own characters?

>> No.9009444

I really had to struggle to avoid reading gay undertones in everything.

Old Man with skillful fingers + Young Boy?
Innkeeper says that performances would no longer be enough to pay his way?
Fresh Faced youths in a scuffle?
Bulging pack and his ashen staff?

On a more serious technical note, get a handle on all the purple prose, it's just clunky and awkward.

And for fuck's sake, at least run this shit through spell check before you post it here. "payed"? Seriously?

>> No.9009469

Fixed it in my master copy.

I think the main reason there are errors like this is that after I wrote it and read it again, it was pretty late. Not that it's a particularly valid excuse. These are the same kind of errors I see in actual published novels on occasion though so the problem must be pretty universal.

>> No.9009479


>Old Man with skillful fingers + Young Boy?
>Innkeeper says that performances would no longer be enough to pay his way?
>Fresh Faced youths in a scuffle?
>Bulging pack and his ashen staff?

>> No.9009495

Wow... You sir, have a skill.

>> No.9009498

Oh god what a fucking pile of Tl;dr. This is about five times longer than needs to be.

>> No.9009529


No. You do not fucking hide behind "Well a professional writer once did this somewhere, so it must be a minor thing really."
That makes you seem like you're comparing yourself to a professional writer. And let me tell you, this kind of shit wouldn't have gotten you through my fucking elementary school.

>> No.9009550


It's good. Rarely do players put much thought into their characters backstory, or when they do, rarely is that thought anymore than a couple of dot jotted points at the back of their character sheet.

This is a good back story. It explains how your character knows magic, his upbringing and social background, establishes some of what his personality is like, and provides an interesting quirk: he was a performer, an entertainer before he became an accomplished mage. A great way of bringing that aspect of your character would be to be having him perform for either gold in towns, or for the entertainment of the party when you're in a dungeon or out in the wilds.

I myself have difficulty fleshing out my character's stories in much detail. One trick I've used is to steal a backstory of a character from a work of fiction I presume my fellow players will be unfamiliar with.

>> No.9009558

ITT: Grognards whining about grammatical errors and supposedly bad writing

Its a backstory for a character, not a novel.

For the record, I think he needs better justification for WHY he went off looking for adventure. Why didn't he get a regular job? Is he simply naive and idealistic, or is he trying to regain the favor of his parents?

>> No.9009580


Bad writers seem to use "payed", as well as "slayed", pretty regularly. Probably because DURRR, DEM IRREGULAR VERBS BE SO DANG HARD

>> No.9009588

I went ahead and spell checked it again and it didn't pick up on "payed". Apparently it isn't a misspelling because of a special case of "payed out rope", rather it is a misuse.

>> No.9009603


Yeah, there might be potential there, but this is a horrible way to present it to a reader. This is fucking bad. Bad grammar, poor choice of words, very fucking needlessly long, the whole goddamn package.

>> No.9009604


I have no idea what you are implying. I was simply lolling because, frankly, I don't care enough to read your backstory, but I am amused by others who are currently doing so

Thankfully this thread is starting to stop being shit. I might not have to bother dumping after all

>> No.9009698

I went ahead and traded out Profession with Perform with my DM's approval.

I tried to imply a lack of comfort in staying in one place for as long as he had after having spent his formative adulthood constantly on the move. Is there something else I should have said to make it a little more obvious?

>> No.9009746

Look, the problem is this: you go into needlessly much detail. We do not, and your fellow players WILL not, care about if he rushed after some birds when they were scared, or how exactly the school went on about its daily life.

You need to tell the main points. The backstory is really needlessly, as you said yourself, tl;dr. It should tell the important events of his life, the main points. It should provide a simple, quick and functional explanation of what's he about. The main points, don't go into this much detail. Just the important stuff.
This isn't to say that you should go "Durr, I wanna hit stuff with swords, fuck backstory", but flooding with text does not a good character make. Playing the character well DOES a good character make.

>> No.9009773


Do it, fag. I'm a bit low on Rumia, got any of her? Or some Yukari.

>> No.9009779



Oh, and I was also supposed to post this link. Try that thing the dude there is using. It should be really good for shaving down needless.

>> No.9009782

OP, paste is somewhere else like http://paste2.org/ so I can read it more easily.

>> No.9009788

Shallow and pedantic.

>> No.9009836


Your comment is essentially correct, if overly critical:

Writing up your character's backstory is a great way to get you thinking about your character and how to play them at the table. It's for your benefit, actually. Other players are likely not to care. Writing up this backstory is just the first step towards creating a good character, and it's a step the other players may never see. The rest of the work is bringing this character to life at the table. But OP probably knows all this, this is all D&D 101.

>> No.9009856

http://paste2.org/p/759536 There's that.

That seems like a pretty useful few guidelines, thank you.

>> No.9009910

Well, yes. It sorta sounded like he went off to adventure
simply because he graduated and Hey! might as well.
I think mentioning that he was restless at the college would be a good thing. Nothing very complex, just like another sentence.

Also, judging by the amount of Tl;dr replies, you might want to give him more of a goal- make it so that people besides you will read about your character and WANT him to succeed. Maybe make him hear that his family was killed by demons while he was at college or something, and he must reclaim the throne from King Dumandred.
(Actually, don't do anything like that- that was probably the second most cliche thing I ever wrote)

>> No.9009927


I could, but the thread isn't being so faggy anymore, so it feels wrong to dump. Let's compromise: I'll just post Rumia artwork with my posts from now on

>> No.9009930

>reclaim the throne from King Dumandred.
>King Dumandred
>King Doom and Dread


>> No.9009949

I've only shown it to my DM so far and he was fairly ecstatic with it. He is a creative writing major though, so he probably favors flowery long-winded writing.

>> No.9009963

You're pretty much a giant twat for putting that much information into a character background. Your DM probably hates you.

>> No.9009975


Yeah, it might be good to write it for yourself, to build an image of the character. But for the love of several gods, you should not actually present the full blown tl;dr version to your group and think you have a good backstory going.

This might have been a nice exercise in building the character, but it should be greatly paraphrased for the group. They have their characters, too, and going "HERE READ THESE PAGES OF TEXT" right at the beginning is more or less asking them to consider your character a special little flower who absolutely needs the spotlight. At least it would be in my group.

Keep it brief, keep it effective and show them that you're actually willing to play the character you created well. That's what tends to actually matter.

>> No.9009988


Actually, he shouldn't do anything like that, since this is a fucking background and there should not be some sort of a plot or "wanting the character to succeed".

>> No.9010005

>Your DM probably hates you.

As a DM, I can honestly say that I find few things more annoying than a player who, when asked, says
"Imma wizard."

If the player doesn't care about their character, no one else will.

>> No.9010013

I thought maybe that because he had been cast out from his family's home with little apparent care and decided not to rejoin them when his mentor died, it would be apparent that he doesn't have many relationships and excepting Crassus never had much of a family. So the strain of all the growing connections and friendships was causing a sort of anxiousness.

At least these are the ideas I had when writing this.

>> No.9010020


Caring your character AND writing an effective backstory with many plot hooks can come without great walls of text. See, stuff like telling me how there was a golden plate that said "HEADMASTER" is really fucking pointless when you want to tell what your character is about and provide possible plothooks. So you shouldn't.

I could really shave this down to fifth of what it was and not lose a goddamn thing.

>> No.9010036

The amount of character background you need really depends on the game you're playing.

Something light like 4E where you're just adventurers who encounter the events of the story, you're really better off starting simple and adding more development and backstory as you go along.

Something like Exalted where your character are themselves the major movers and shakers, you're going to want to have a little more.

>> No.9010041

Well the way our group rolls, the DM really likes having quests based around what the characters want to do, so he encourages everyone to make about three goals for our characters.
For example, my last rogue wanted to rob a certain temple blind for not saving his sister when they were young, starving orphans, and basically start a rogues guild to help streetchildren. It wasn't anything fancy, but it gave the DM shitloads of ideas.

>> No.9010048

Your style of writing assumes things some would rather not assume. Also, I noted some run-on sentences and grammatical errors; might want to go over this with a spell-check.

Also, please enjamb your paragraphs properly. It was ok until the whopper in the center, where the reading was a slow trudge.

Unless you plan on revealing this info without some RP to your fellow players, I would write a more sparser history of the character for other players perusal.


>> No.9010059


In fairness, this is quite correct. A P&P game is a collaborative story. You need to give the GM story hooks just as much as you need to give your players plot hooks

There are greater sins than putting too much thought into your character, I can tell you that much

>> No.9010067


Hey now, you could probably create a character, a janitor in a magic school, centered around the headmaster's shiny doorplate and how those damn bastards always tried to touch it with their dirty hands and he had to polish it all the time. He got frustrated with it so bad he punched one of the students in the face and was thus thrown out with nary a farewell. Now he seeks revenge.

>> No.9010074

How do you mean "assumes some things others would rather not assume"? The clarifications I've had to make in this thread?

>> No.9010077

Yeah. As a DM I sure as shit wouldn't want to have to wade through all that to get the salient points.

>> No.9010091

And how much less time and space did that take you to give that background?


>> No.9010097


And plothooks have nothing to do with turning your backstory into a literal short story with a plot and shit like "wanting the character to succeed", as that one anon suggests.

>> No.9010104

OP, I think you done good by writing this, but as
said, it's more story-like than backstory-like. If DM liked it, great, but if you want the other players to read this, make it, like 10 sentences long. More than that, and they'll probably tl;dr, and scream Mary Sue. And then you'll have to punch them, and it'll all end in tears.

>> No.9010113

Excepting the possibility of the janitor being some type of sociopath, I don't think that is a reasonable backstory.

>> No.9010168


You don't get it. Years and years of looking at the damn young idiots muck everything up again and again was just way too much. Always romping about in their dirty shoes, always having their damned noisy "fun", always shitting in the wrong damn places, always throwing trash about and never actually caring about the janitor who had to do something about it. And always touching that goddamn nameplate.

One night, he just snapped. Alcohol might have been involved, but nevertheless he did it.

>> No.9010210

He's still some variety of crazy. You said as much yourself "he just snapped."

>> No.9010212

Assuming, for example, that it is required to know every single tiny little detail (a la Robert Jordan) that doesn't make any large ripple in the pool of the big picture.

Really, this text needs liposuction.

>> No.9010306

Robert Jordan is a good example. While reading his series I got to a point, in about the second or third book, where I just skipped any chapter about the female characters.

>> No.9010318

Not necessarily. People lose their shit over the littlest things, as well as become obsessed over them, especially when stress over time is in the picture.

Agreed. So much of this is filler that, while nice, just isn't necessary to get the gist of the character and his experience across.

>> No.9010367



Wait, seriously?

>> No.9010377


Wonderful. Thank you.

>> No.9010386

Oh Jordan. You so crazy. I ended up rooting for team evil, because team good was too busy being angsty drama queens while THE FUCKING APOCALYPSE was coming.

I'll stop now.
sage for rage

>> No.9010388

When I was writing it I started pretty bare with the story, but I didn't feel it conveyed any of his motivation without some detail. The birds for instance are cherished because they were Crassus', showing a sentimentality and continued grief for the man and things associated with him.

>> No.9010465


Ah, forgot my Pic.

Yukari vs Gilgamesh.

Ah, what a fight to see.

>> No.9010478

I have a veritable library of concepts from Aladdin.

This particular on is early concept for Genie.

>> No.9010542


Okay, when you say "concept" are you referring to prototype drawings of their characters or some such? Or do you mean "crazyass drawings that refer to some basic stuff like 'a genie' and 'street rats,' but weren't actually done by Disney"?

Whatever the fuck they are, post more of them, please ::3

>> No.9010588

Leo the school janitor served for many years at the well known magic school of Callen, working as amicably as a janitor could. He was fairly happy with his life, living relatively nicely and enjoying the occassional thanks from powerful and influential wizards. There was just one thing preventing Leo from having it good: the damn kids.
Leo never really liked kids, not one bit. And the students were always kids, and always doing something they shouldn't. They muddied the floors with their shoes, they were noisy, they kicked his cat more than a few times, and the damn brats always smudged principal's shiny, golden nameplate. Leo always took the heat for that. But he was just the janitor, and no matter how much he jelled at the kids, they didn't pay much attention to him.

One evening, Leo had helped himself a bit much to his secret stash of booze. More than a bit drunk, he suddenly saw a student, once again, for the umpteenth damn time, poking at the nameplate.
To top it off, the damn student was an elf. Now, Leo didn't really have anything against elves. Hell, one of his friends was an elf (Kelsennellenevial from the docks, they played cards sometimes). He tolerated them, he was no bloody racist. But still, the tree-hugging freaks were just wrong, always going on about their "equal rights" and their damn trees.
Now, Leo never was a violent man, not really. He had learned to be calm and collected, since he worked under people literally capable of dealing him with one word and a finger. But as he yelled the student to git off, the little cheeky brat just waved at him dismissively and said he was "just looking." They were always "just looking" at everything. And that was it.

>> No.9010605


A week later, Leo found himself on the street, his cat under one arm and all his belongings under the other. One punch was all it took for the damn old wizards to throw him out. He heard his old job was already taken again. Probably gave his job to a damn elf too. Leo had just about had enough. And the very next day, he decided to sign up as one of them adventurers. Probably had it better than some school janitor.

Hopefully there aren't any elves.

>> No.9010615


>> No.9010633

2 out of I dont know how many


>> No.9010671

3 out of some inane amount

>> No.9010689

I actually have less than I thought

oh well

>> No.9010694

That's not bad, particularly if you're going play a character with an evil bent.

>> No.9010719

more genie concepts

>> No.9010729

this shit is fucking scary

>> No.9010738

carpet ftw


>> No.9010761

whoa, Aladdin with a gay trend

I remember when we were discussing how we have to draw him, it was like,

"This one is too skinny, this one is too bulky, and this one is too hard to draw. Unfortunately the one thats too hard is the one that got picked."

>> No.9010777

Strange, he looks so indian

>> No.9010789

colour charts.................1 out of 9001

>> No.9010805

>I remember when we were discussing how we have to draw him

wait wut

>> No.9010810

easily my favorite villain


Replace the Genie with Yog-Sothoth and we could have made wondrous / terrible things

>> No.9010824

My dad talks like this all the time. He was one of the animators on Aladdin.

>> No.9010830

>I remember when we were discussing how we have to draw him


>> No.9010831

Frollo had a better musical number.

But a CoC themed Aladdin intrigues.

>> No.9010835

best merchant ever

>> No.9010851

and yes my Dad is into Cthulu

he did a Lovacraftian drawing of the Genie but I cant find it

>> No.9010855

Now THAT is a tragedy.

Does he still work in animation?

>> No.9010858

>My dad talks like this all the time. He was one of the animators on Aladdin.

Are you fucking serious? Holy shit, tell your Dad I love him for helping to build one of the masterpieces from my youth that I continue to enjoy today. TELL HIM

>> No.9010859

>> No.9010870

I keep hearing the "One step ahead" song in my head while I'm playing Assassin's Creed 2, every time I'm running away from a bunch of guards.

>> No.9010879

>> No.9010891

He helped with the environments mainly. Remember the Cave of Wonders, the strange rocks with the weird marshmellow like shapes? That was him.

He's asleep right now but I'll tell him tomorrow. He hears it all the time.

Also, mongolian Jafar.

>> No.9010897

It's "One Jump Ahead".

>> No.9010911

more tones

>> No.9010912

It's a shame that you don't see Disney grade cartoons anymore. Not saying 3D is bad mind, just... Well, I miss the little touches, the personality of the drawings the- bah, whatever. I'm sure you get enough of that.

Cheers mate. Thanks for the images.

>> No.9010913

Oh yeah! My mistake.

>> No.9010922

More Jafar concepts.

>> No.9010953


Has he done any other animation, especially for Disney? I'd love to know what other kickass movies he has helped with

>> No.9010958

That's pretty much why he left Disney. Essentially he said it was becoming less about the art and animation and more about the machines and CGI.

>> No.9010970





>> No.9010976

Aladdin and Jungle Book are the two I know of...

I have some Jungle Book concepts if desired.

>> No.9010982

Bitch, that's my line!

>> No.9011009

That's my horse?

>> No.9011016

>Jungle Book

Your father is kickass. Are you truly aware of how kickass your father is? BECAUSE HE IS VERY KICKASS

>> No.9011018

Early movie poster. This one was only used for the theatrical release along with...

>> No.9011019

No, you can keep the horse.

>> No.9011025

Hit me with 'em.

>> No.9011030

>...this one.

>> No.9011058

It'll probably break your heart but I'm more of a writer than an artist. I can barely draw stick figures. Personally I have only seen Aladdin, as he doesn't talk about Jungle Book much. Probably has to do with what happened during production.

>> No.9011070

Switching to Jungle Book Concepts...

>> No.9011075

He should look Chinese.

>> No.9011080

What happened post production?

Also, have you published anything?

>> No.9011087

some tree in a jungle

>> No.9011103

Death of Walt Disney? He was very close with a lot of the animators etc.

>> No.9011123


>> No.9011134


Man, yeah, I guess I can see how that would be a sore spot. What does your father do these days, if you don't mind my asking?

>> No.9011138

pretty colours

I myself have not published yet, as College is far from over.

>> No.9011143

>In no event may the image of the Genie be greater than 23% of the overall artwork used in any publicity elements for ALADDIN SPECIAL EDITION
They actually had a rule based on keeping Robin Williams under control? That's pretty awesome.

And seconding the brofist to your dad. Has he done anything recently?

>> No.9011175

He doesn't draw for money usually if that's what you're wondering. He owns a restaurant with his brother.

I think he sold some of his concepts for a bit of cash a year or two ago. People pay pretty well for concepts of the Cave of Wonders.

>> No.9011201

Robin Hood!

>> No.9011207

Other than that Lovecraftian Genie not much. Think Genie with tentacles and just plain HORRIFIC. In black and white. He says B/W makes things scarier.

>> No.9011222

This one is pretty humourous.

>> No.9011244

>>Each other in this thread.

And before you ask who the Rhino is, it was a removed character meant as a comic relief. Name was Rocky the Rhino.

>> No.9011269

You know at one point they considered Baloo actually dying.

>> No.9011273


Man, he quit drawing for money? Cause, I dunno, not to imply that I know ANYTHING about the artist industry, but I figure "helped make motherfucking ALADDIN AND THE JUNGLE BOOK" would look pretty kickass on a resume

Perhaps that's just a sign of the sad state of the industry these days ::(

>> No.9011287

Nearing the end. Most of these are old scans from a company art book.

>> No.9011292

That would have been powerful. I felt bad enough just thinking Baloo was dead, I can't imagine if he had actually never gotten up.

>> No.9011333

I know it sounds maybe corny but he says it was like a dream that didn't last; eventually all the artists had to wake up and leave before the machines took over.

He sometimes does commissioned work, SOMETIMES, but only for people he personally knows.

>> No.9011376

What was that movie called...something Nemo.

It was really old, but that was his first. He did environments a lot.

>> No.9011397

Not alone, no animator is a 1 man army.

He was usually part of a huge team for environments.

The singular artists were the character ones, which he never did.

>> No.9011426

that's all.

Maybe I'll get around to scanning more. Maybe not.

>> No.9011450



>> No.9011469


need more Aladdin, seriously I'm 26 and I still watch it all the time.

>> No.9011488

Little Nemo
god that one gave me nightmares with the giant black ooze guy and how he brutally devours the nice king alive

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