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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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[ERROR] No.8483458 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

Okay fa/tg/entlemen

I need your help designing the most powerful trolling force that the Pathfinder system currently allows.

I'm currently involved in a campaign in which the most interesting thing that has happened thus far is that my friend and I are killing our characters in a blaze of glory, while the rest of the party has effectively told us to fuck off in the interest of keeping themselves alive.

Bear in mind that if we fought as a party, we would have a chance at winning in this encounter, and running is for fucking pussies. So its me and my buddy against the world, and when I roll my new character with a level adjustment, I plan on fucking getting revenge on our party and terrible DM.

Problem is, I'm more of a 3.x guy, and Pathfinder is just kinda... well shitty. I'm currently playing a monk and its sucking ass right now. So, /tg/, what should I do?

>> No.8483499

BTW the new character is to be level 3, and I will basically be developing my trolling powers as shit goes on. I will probably be killing a fellow party member as things go on for being a terrible player.

Perhaps some manner of rogue or stealthy fucker is in order?

>> No.8483575



that's your problem right there.jpg

>> No.8483723

bump. I'm fucking pissed.

>> No.8483813

/tg/ - traditional games

except pathfinder

>> No.8483951

You could build a wizard. You know, the kind of wizard that helps the party with haste, glitterdust, invi, summons, etc. And the kind of wizard that, when the right moment comes, is not afraid of bursting the hell out of a fellow 2 hp tank surrounded by mob.

>> No.8483979


Build Wizard.

Support Party at low levels, make them feel like they won everything, be a backbencher.

Get to level 12 or so, become Wizardzilla.

Planar Bind like 12 Succubi, setup orgy for party.

Cleanup energy drained husks.

Troll complete.

>> No.8484009


That's... actually not bad. The buildup just makes it more awesome.

>> No.8484027

3.x and Pathfinder are similar enough that you are just being a bitch. After all Pathfinder is just a set of 3.5 houserules.

>> No.8484238

Be a bard.
Charisma-whore it up.
Betray accordingly.

Or stop being a pissy little bitch, and work with the party, instead of making TEH DRAMAZ.

>> No.8484239


It's more or less that I just have no idea what's really good.

I WAS playing a monk, which I was all to eager to try out because I heard it's better. But I've just hit 4th level, gotten my ki pool, and I've just about had it with the way this campaign is going. I can't really troll it as a monk, and it's going to take god awfully long as a wizard to level and actually be nice to the fuckers I'm playing with.

I've been looking into monsters as PCs, and I wouldn't mind rolling up a Barghest that could easily solo our party, would the need arise.

At any rate, who wants to hear the story of this campaign? It's full of fail.

>> No.8484282


Okay that's it, I'm telling the story.

So here's what's happening. Our party is a ragtag group of nobodies, assembled by nobody, for literally no reason other than to decide who the rightful ruler of the nation will be. Bear in mind, we're nobody important, and were first level dipshits who just gathered to discuss the issue, not reporting to anyone in particular, with a vague idea of WHETHER OUR ACTIONS EVEN MATTER OR NOT.

So anyway, the country is being ruled by the king's inept, but good-hearted brother, after the king's mysterious disappearance. His wife, a machiavellian bitch, is more adept at ruling, but happens to be a lawful evil fuck. So it's basically a chaotic good retard vs. a lawful evil get-shit-done bitch.

And that's what our characters have assembled to decide on; and solve the mystery of the king's disappearance in the process.

>> No.8484341


Introducing the party:
A CN sorcerer who only picked summoning skills and thinks CN means LOLRANDUM
A LE Half-Orc fighter that was initially unsure of how to play the alignment
A LG Goody-two-shoes cleric
A TN Goblin that is utterly useless in every respect of the word (the actual player just sits there in a daze most of our sessions).
And a CN thief that joined our party midway through our first "adventure" and whose last action was the steal a quest item while we were all asleep and replace it with a decoy.
And me, a LN streetwise black monk who graduated from the school of hard knocks. Basically Jim Kelly meets Samuel L. Jackson.

>> No.8484393

What class is the goblin? So far the party does look like it could use some additional WIZARD due to the limited functionality of the sorcerer.

>> No.8484398

Gentleman, I say, if you don't like the current campaign or the people playing it, you should leave and not act like a total bitch.

>> No.8484422


Our DM is fond of "roleplaying". Which I'd be fine with, if the party knew how to roleplay. Every session basically devolves to the fighter and I pushing the plot forward with our fists. Things tend to get so boring that I go out of my alignment just to have something HAPPEN.

Our first "mission" after meeting as a party, was to go to a different part of the continent on a fetch quest to talk to a sheriff in a faraway town, who may or may not know something about the king's disappearance. Upon arriving, we realize this guy doesn't know jack shit, but HEY he might know someone who does... if we do him a favor. See, this sheriff has it in for some goblins that live about three days South, and if we kill them, he'll tell us where to go.

So we recruit a cleric from the local church of "pelor" and she refuses to join us unless we're going on a quest for righteousness. I tell her that we're going to preach to some goblins to change their ways.

She believes this.

We go south to the goblins, and fuck them up, killing a family of 'innocent' goblins in the process, which our cleric takes offense to. Now, midway through the fight, the DM makes it a point that half the goblins escape after we kill their friends... which I think is bullshit because we're level 1 and need the XP.

After killing the goblins, the cleric starts pouting, and the weather turns to bullshit. A three day rain makes everything fucking ARDUOUS as we head back to the sheriff, and we meet a thief along the way who joins our party and steals shit from us while we're sleeping. Yay.

>> No.8484462

A group of adventurers care about the kingdom they are living in, so they decide to try and improve the conditions of said place. It doesn't sound retarded, I think it's pretty okay.
>A CN sorcerer who only picked summoning skills and thinks CN means LOLRANDUM
Should die in a fire for playing CHAOTICRANDUMB instead of CN.
>CN thief that joined our party midway through our first "adventure" and whose last action was the steal a quest item while we were all asleep and replace it with a decoy.
An asshole, but incharacter asshole.

>> No.8484478

Yeesh, you've got such a random mixed party, a bunch of Ns on the seedier side, an LE beatstick, and... a Lawful Good Pelorite? Seriously? Damn, dude, inter-party conflict is a given in this situation, quite being a whiny cunt and either roll with it or leave, none of this passive-aggressive hogwash. Is this like the only group available or what?

>> No.8484523

>Our DM is fond of "roleplaying". Which I'd be fine with, if the party knew how to roleplay. Every session basically devolves to the fighter and I pushing the plot forward with our fists. Things tend to get so boring that I go out of my alignment just to have something HAPPEN.
Well, it's the only way to let the other players catch up. If he doesn't encourage roleplaying, those players will be stuck with the rollplaying stage forever.
Now, midway through the fight, the DM makes it a point that half the goblins escape after we kill their friends... which I think is bullshit because we're level 1 and need the XP.
A group of goblins is being slaughtered. What do you think they are going to do?
>killing a family of 'innocent' goblins in the process, which our cleric takes offense to.
A good cleric of a good deity is supposed to do that.

>> No.8484529

Where's the fun in that?
He's a ranger that opted to not have an animal companion.


So we get back to town, report our victory to the sheriff, who tells us that we should go north to a Wizard Populated City and talk to some bitch who teaches at an arcane academy who might know something about the king's disappearance.

Now, up to this point, my character has been making a point to show some attitude towards most of the NPCs we meet, because things tend to move so slowly that I just want to get shit done. This is the theme of my character. Get Shit Done.

Our Sorcerer, however, likes to get sidetracked like a child with ADHD. He is fond of using his spells/day to summon animals at inopportune times; in town; or in random places "just for the hell of it." Sure, it's funny once or twice, but this gets STUPID when he literally wastes every spell he has just to freak people out on the street and it's not even fucking NOON yet. I literally rolled several attacks against him for doing this, and he still hasn't gotten the message.

>> No.8484582

>Our Sorcerer, however, likes to get sidetracked like a child with ADHD. He is fond of using his spells/day to summon animals at inopportune times; in town; or in random places "just for the hell of it." Sure, it's funny once or twice, but this gets STUPID when he literally wastes every spell he has just to freak people out on the street and it's not even fucking NOON yet. I literally rolled several attacks against him for doing this, and he still hasn't gotten the message.
Talk to the player to stop this bullshit.

>> No.8484588

>about the goblins
I'm more saying this in hindsight because this is literally the only legitimate combat we've seen so far (more on that later). The rest of our XP has come from the DM deciding when we level.
>about the cleric
Sure, in character. It's probably not a point to bitch about, you're right.

Only group... yes.


The goblin player tends to sit there and stare into space without really doing anything. He also wasted all his starting gold on god-knows-what, and is flat broke. The party has to pay for his shit, and the DM is getting ANNOYING with how expensive his world is... especially when we haven't seen a DIME for our efforts yet.

Now, we get to the town, and see the mage bitch. I mouth off to her because she's not giving me the proper respect, and she ignores me for the rest of forever. Our fighter reasons with her, and she sends us on... you guessed it... another fetch quest.

THIS TIME we're going to the dangerous northern continent which is full of EVIL and MAYHEM and DARKNESS. Oh and apparently there's a miasma that covers the island that will kill you if you don't have a magic amulet of Not-Choke-to-Death.

How do we get this amulet? Simple: go to the evil continent and bring back a soil sample. Then we'll give you the amulet that allows you to breathe while you're there. That'll be 10 gold for boat fare.

>> No.8484592

What are your feats as a monk - not just the character level ones, but the bonus feats you chose sans prerequisites? Because, if you want to really troll the party, making a monk who outclasses the rest of the party is a pretty good way to do it.

>> No.8484636

By the way, I don't think your problem is with the system, my friend.

>> No.8484691

This, by all means, this.
Talk to the fucker. If he doesn't stop that, rape his character in game. Literally or otherwise.

>> No.8484707

Tried it. He does something even more retarded. More on that later.


So we get to the evil continent, on which there is one settlement which contains an inn, a tavern, a provisions shop, and a NPC who dispenses information about the continent for a steep fee.

So we get to the continent, and start making fort saves for being there. If you fail, you throw up and are sickened. We get to the settlement, and meet the five people that live there. Business is bad on the island, for good fucking reason, and things cost five times as much here. We meet the NPC who dispenses information, and she literally radiates evil and is unaffected by the miasma. She is the only person that knows anything about the main story, and every time we ask her a question, she replies with "Five Gold."

After spending about forty gold just to learn shit about the island, it's revealed that the best place to take a soil sample is right near the border of the forest, which is about a mile out of the settlement, which is located on the beach. In order to get there without choking to death, we have to buy a potion from the provisions shop, and it's 10g a pop. So while we're getting ass-raped on cash (I'm a monk, remember? I started with thirty gold... oh and the goblin is broke), we have to spend more just to finish this quest. Meanwhile, our cleric is trying to cleanse the land of the evilness, and fails horribly. She ends up collapsing from exhaustion on the beach and we have to drag her ass back to the Inn (1g per person a night). We cap a bottle of the soil sample and head back the next day.

>> No.8484742

OP is a faggot.

>> No.8484827

Stunning Fist
Flurry of Blows
Unarmed Strike
Deflect Arrows
Improved Grapple (my mod was pretty high, figured it might be useful)
Intimidating Prowess
Fast Movement
Maneuver Training
Still Mind
Extra Ki

So it turns out while we slept at the inn, the thief swapped out our jar of evil dirt for a jar of normal ass dirt. We take it back to the mainland and give the jar of (normal) dirt to the mage bitch. She rewards us with the amulets she should have given us in the first place.

Now, for this particular session, we didn't have all of our players present, it was just me, the goblin, and the fighter. So I brought in one of my friends to play for one of the absentees. Since the DM didn't have their character sheets, he just rolled up a barbarian named Gazruk--- but was forced to be level 1, when the rest of the party was level 3.

At any rate, because we wouldn't have a cleric this time, I went to an alchemist to buy some potions. Except the potions were absurdly expensive. Since I'm fucking poor, I bought two 1-hp-barely-able-to-stabilize-your-dead-ass potions for 25 silver apiece. Our fighter does the same. That was the cheapest option.

Now, meanwhile our sorcerer decides to visit "his buddies" in the druid enclave section of town; because he loves animals. When he gets there, he falls asleep and in a dream, he sees a squirrel talking to him, telling him to go back to the northern evil continent and rescue a live squirrel from the evil forest of evil.

That is literally what the DM said to him.

Because that was fucking retarded, I basically said, "No, we are way strapped for cash right now and need to make some money. Is there ANYTHING we can do to make some cash. Underground fights? Racing? Gladiatorial Combat, ANYTHING?"

After a minute's pause the DM says we could go to the Arena and try our hand at some games.

>> No.8484890

>brought in one of my friends
There you go. Three people. Get someone else from the group that is not a faggot and you'll have enough people to game and stop going to play in a group you don't like.

>> No.8484906


So at the arena there's legal gambling. I'm lawful, so I have no problem with that. There are three events: American Gladiator Style Q-Tip Jousting, Obstacle Course, and tug-o-war.

I try my hand at the joust, and do fairly well. I make a cool 15g betting on myself, and quit right before I'm to face the 'boss' of the event. Our goblin does this, and does even better than I do, he ends up beating the "boss" and winning a lot of gold. HOWEVER, the party ends up losing gold as a whole because they bet heavily on the boss to win. Such is gambling.

I decide to then do the obstacle course, and that's when we get introduced to my friend's PC: Gazruk the barbarian. The obstacle course consists of a climbing wall, a moat, and a acrobatics-based death contraption that requires three consecutive d20 rolls above a 10 to beat (12% chance). I climb the fuck out of the first wall; gazruk does not. Gazruk swims the fuck out of the moat; I do not. We're even when we get to the death machine, and I get the worst rolling luck ever. It literally takes me 3 minutes of straight rolling to get above a 10 three times in a row. Such is probability.

I meet up with Gazruk later and demand a duel to restore my honor, as the laws of probability have failed me. Gazruk politely declines and instead offers me a share of his chicken meal. I ain't never said no to chicken, so I join him.

>> No.8485015

(I should mention that Gazruk's acrobatics mod was lower than mine, and he had about a 7% to succeed on that trial, compared to my 12%)

At any rate, we rest for the night, and decide to go back to the arena the next day and actually win some shit.

I go to the joust, and I'm up against the goblin in our party. He has hell of dex, balance, and acrobatics. I do not. I bet 3 gold on him to win.

However, through some freak fluke of nature, I end up beating him. Because I would basically have net a loss in gold since the start of our arena foray, I attempt to throw the match and fall into the safety moat (we're dueling on poles). I fail my bluff check against the referee watching, and when I emerge from the water, I'm accosted by a local mob boss and his two thugs.

The mob boss says: "I saw that. Do you have any idea how much money you just lost me?"

I say, "No, but why the fuck were you betting on me!?"

He retorts with "Watch your tongue, or else you won't wake up tomorrow."

I say, "What about the day after?"

With that, he nods towards his thugs, and they're now coming for my ass. Meanwhile, the rest of our party is sitting in the first row seats of the stands, overlooking all of this. I'd like to mention that this is a large, crowded arena, full of wizards and other citizens of this city, who are about to watch my ass get handed to me on a silver platter.

>> No.8485082

Fuck, this is painful to read

>> No.8485101


I attempt to ju jitsu one of the thugs, and connect for about 9 nonlethal. But they're way better at monking than I am, and I'm down to a quarter health (nonlethal) after two attacks from each of them. The party jumps down from the stands to defend me, led by Gazruk, who gives a tremendous war cry, and whips out his greataxe.

He charges the thug closest to him, enrages, and starts swinging away. The rest of the party is like, HOLY SHIT, and they rush in... to stop Gazruk from killing one of the mafia's thugs.

In the next round, I get beaten unconscious, Gazruk dodges the two attacks from one of the thugs, and lands another massive axe hit on him. The rest of the party then attempts to stop Gazruk in any way they can.

The sorcerer casts Mage Armor... on the thug fighting Gazruk.
The fighter flanks Gazruk and hits him from behind for some nonlethal. The goblin jumps down and attempts to trip Gazruk... to no avail.

All this seems to make Gazruk even angrier. After whiffing due to mage armor, he lands a killing blow against the thug, and crits him for a shitton of damage. The other thug then moves in, and takes Gazruk into the negatives.

>> No.8485136

>the DM makes it a point that half the goblins escape after we kill their friends... which I think is bullshit because we're level 1 and need the XP.
If you drive them off, that counts as defeating, and thus you still get the XP.

>> No.8485188


Our fighter then starts freaking out, and uses the potions he bought earlier to stabilize the mafia thug back to 1 HP, and then stabilizes Gazruk.

Gazruk, who at this point is STILL ENRAGED, flips a coin to see if he still wants to attack after being revived.

He decides that he does.

I say to my friend, "Dude, don't let Gazruk die, roll a Gazruk-is-exhausted-and-just-faints check."

He fails.

Gazruk grabs his axe and goes back for more, but whiffs, and is pummeled to death by the two mob thugs.

In the aftermath, we learned that these two thugs were level 6 fighters with no armor or weapons. They would have easily been taken down by our party working together, but Level 1 Gazruk was able to kill one of them... alone... with three people trying to stop him.

>> No.8485239

Your party should have killed them all to begin with, they attacked you first.

>> No.8485256

From the sound of this DM, he probably would have them all arrested and fined 2000 gold apiece for having the audacity to defend themselves.

>> No.8485301

Not according to our DM. We did not get the full XP for that fight.

So that brings us to tonight's session.

Since I was unconscious during all that, I wake up in jail, only to find out that I inadvertently caused the death of my only friend... for a grand total of 3 gold. I feel like absolute shit, because Gazruk was awesome, and I am a scumbag. I resolve to live the rest of my life atoning for this sin, with the desire to one day resurrect him. (My friend didn't really care, because Gazruk was fucking awesome, and was intended to be a oneshot anyway.) So I proceed roleplay being incredibly depressed about Gazruk's death...


What happens next is a confusing fuckpile.

Our fighter goes to the mage bitch at the university to see if she can reason with the mafia to get me out of jail. She says no, but if we go to the head druid in the druid's enclave, he might be able to help!

She adds that the head druid happens to have the BIGGEST BEARD IN TOWN, and won the BIG BEARD COMPETITION this year, upsetting some wizards who also have pretty big beards.

So we head to the druid enclave, which is not filled with druids, but tiny woodland critters. Our fighter stomps around, calling out for any druids. He does this for about three minutes, and only sees rabbits and squirrels and mice. When he's about to take his axe and chop down a tree, suddenly a mouse shapeshifts into a druid, and accosts him for trying to chop the tree down, then turns back into a mouse, and scurries away.

>> No.8485343


So the fighter grabs the mouse before it can get away, and starts talking to it. He asks where the head druid is.


"Well can you go get him"


"Okay I'm going to tie a fucking message to you, and you run around looking for him, got it?"



So the fighter ties a paper message to the mouse, and the mouse runs off in search of the head druid.

While this is happening, I'm stuck in jail, and I'm so pissed off by how needlessly long this is taking, I start making break checks against the bars, walls, and windows, even though I know it won't work.

So after that, the party goes back to the mage bitch, who tells them that the wizards now need flora and fauna samples from the evil continent, but this time they will pay for our passage to the island. However, I'm still stuck in jail, so the party goes back to the druid enclave.

>> No.8485376

>She adds that the head druid happens to have the BIGGEST BEARD IN TOWN, and won the BIG BEARD COMPETITION this year, upsetting some wizards who also have pretty big beards.
This is the first cool thing your DM has done, at least that you mentioned.

>So we head to the druid enclave, which is not filled with druids, but tiny woodland critters. Our fighter stomps around, calling out for any druids. He does this for about three minutes, and only sees rabbits and squirrels and mice. When he's about to take his axe and chop down a tree, suddenly a mouse shapeshifts into a druid, and accosts him for trying to chop the tree down, then turns back into a mouse, and scurries away.
This is the second.

>> No.8485391


When the party returns to the druid enclave, they see the mouse with a paper tied to it, and ask it if it found the head druid.


I'm basically exploding with rage at this point, and even the other players in the group are kind of pissed. Except the sorcerer, he's loving this.

So they notice a mouse with a very large beard, and our fighter starts talking to it. He asks if the mouse knows anyone related to the mafia...

And of course, the head druid is all too happy to help us out... provided we can do him a favor! We have to go spy on some wizard in order to make sure he's not taking a BEARD GROWTH POTION TO WIN THE BIG BEARD CONTEST IN TOWN.

While this is all hilarious to the DM, we're pretty fucking pissed as a party. We eventually get some information out of the head druid.. then go to meet the mafia contact, who takes us to a boss. They barter my release, and the mob drops the charges against me, provided I enter their service in the future, starting next week.

>> No.8485392

Your feat list would work infinitely better like this (I'm not putting in the ones you get automatically for being a monk).
1st human bonus: Vital Strike (Doubles your damage dice on a single attack.)
1st: Weapon Finesse or Weapon Focus (unarmed), whichever improves your attack bonus the most
1st monk bonus: Improved Grapple (Remember, you get a +4 bonus on grapple checks after the first round if you initiated the grapple. Most people don't know about it. It's right in the grapple rules, too.)
2nd monk bonus: Scorpion Style (reduce opponent's speed to 5 if he fails a fort save - an enemy who can't run away is an enemy you can kill faster -and can't warn your teamate).
3rd: Power Attack (Affects all attacks in the round, and at this level costs you a -1 to your attack for +2 damage, which is pretty insignificant of a cost for a little extra damage)

If you go up in levels, remember that your bonus feats ignore prerequisites entirely (you don't need dodge to get mobility from a monk's bonus feat list, etc).

>> No.8485398

Damnit this is actually maikng me rage just a tiny bit. Railroading at its worst. Does the Dm happen to be a WoWfag?

>> No.8485488

Dude, you sound like a passive aggressive douchebag. If you had any balls at all you'd offer to run a game for the group and show this DM how it's done.
Have you ever considered running a game yourself?

>> No.8485491

It would have been funny if we didn't have anything better to do. Like go on fetch quest after fetch quest for no reason, and then get rewarded with information on how to get to the next fetch quest.


So I'm finally out of jail, and I'm pretty fucking sad about Gazruk. Like life no longer has meaning.

We board a boat going for the northern continent, and when we arrive, we notice that there's apparently a group of hunters lodging at the local inn. Our miasma amulets save us from dying, but we still have to roll fort saves to not puke. When we get to town, we go to talk to the Information Whore, and she requires a fee even more expensive than usual, so we just say fuck it. The sorcerer ventures into the forest, with some squirrel feed. He lays it down at his feet, and then sits and meditates to wait for a squirrel to come to him.

Because we were sent here to gather flora and fauna samples however, the fighter and I decide to take a more hands on approach. We both enter the forest on our own, and I encounter a deer.

The deer stares at me with glowing red eyes. I charge the deer and start pummeling it. I soon have an unconscious deer, and begin dragging it back to town. Then the deer's mate arrives. I pummel it unconscious too, and now I'm dragging two deers back to town.

Our fighter, however, encounters some dryads, who are pissed that we're disrupting the forest. While I'm dragging deer carcasses back to town, I come across him, and we kill the dryads.

This is the second legitimate combat we have had this entire game, after six weeks of gaming.

Our fighter mutilates the corpses to obtain "samples" and we proceed back to town.

>> No.8485533

>beard-based rivalries

fuck everything else, your DM is great

>> No.8485547

Sounds like his DM frequents /tg/ a little too often for his party's good.

>> No.8485605

He does play wow.

I ran a one-shot campaign for five days this past week and it fucking rocked (though not with the same people. Only the fighter from this campaign was present in the one I ran) I can tell you about that too if you'd like. It would probably make you think of me less of a passive-agressive douchebag.


So we all get back to the town. Our sorcerer was unsuccessful in finding a squirrel, and we find that the Informant Whore is packing up her shit. She's telling us that the town will be destroyed in 48 hours, and we're all going to die.

We're like "WTF WHY?"

She responds "Five Gold."

I say, "Fuck that. I've had it with your bullshit, you tell us what's gonna happen or we're just gonna kill you where you stand."

At that, she vanishes into thin air, and we hear: "You have angered the forest, and its minions are being sent to kill you. I am going to the center of the forest to get away from the destruction."

I respond "Then we're going there too! We're coming for your ass and we'll take down anything you put in our way!"

The cleric and sorcerer however, think we should get off the island. The boat doesn't return for six days, so I suggest making a raft. However, the wood here on this island is apparently not good for making rafts.

Then I suggest burning down the forest, and stopping the problem at its source. However the DM has the cleric roll a spellcraft check; from this the cleric is able to deduce that the forest would not be affected because there are fire elementals protecting the forest, and the island is volcanic anyway (BULLSHIT).

So we cannot burn the forest, we cannot escape the island, the cleric and sorcerer don't want to fight, and we have 48 hours to live.

>> No.8485651


>the forest would not be affected because there are fire elementals protecting the forest, and the island is volcanic anyway

I've gone from thinking you were just a player who wanted to troll, to a legitimate defender of decency in all campaigns.


>> No.8485684


type faster

>> No.8485718


I basically look at the fighter.

"Well. We've got no choice."

He nods, "It's what Gazruk would have done."

We both recently just hit fourth level, which means that I finally get a ki pool, and he has enough strength for a three-attack full round. We finish leveling up our characters, and immediately go rob the provisions store to take whatever we can. I lose my lawful alignment by doing this, and can no longer take levels in monk.

But that's just fine, because this is going to be the last verse in Tyrone the Monk's badaaaaaaaaaaaaasssss song.

The fighter and I grabbed our shit and headed into the forest. Before leaving, the mage and cleric buffed us and healed us to full, but refused to join us; despite a warning from the DM that if we went in with a full party we actually had a chance at survival.

But with just the fighter and I, it was tantamount to suicide.

We entered the forest, while the cleric and sorcerer stayed behind, to find some way off the island. We're gonna wrap up this scenario next Monday.

And that's why I want to troll this group. Hard..

>> No.8485727

I have to agree. Fire elementals and dryads aren't usually all that good of friends. Also, who cares if its volcanic? Plants in volcanic soil burn too.

>> No.8485734

>fire elementals protecting the forest
WTF IS THIS BULLSHIT!?!? Seriously, punch that asshole DM in the fucking dick. Fire elementals would burn that forest down just to see the beautiful fire, pyromania is first nature to them on all possible levels.

>> No.8485746


Oh I plan on trying to burn down the forest anyway.

>> No.8485750


You have every right to get them back. Even though its obvious railroading, you've made the right decision, and your teammates are bumblefucks beyond belief.

Godspeed anon, glory to Tyrone the monk.

>> No.8485782



>> No.8485801


>> No.8485805

>> No.8485824

Who wants to hear about the campaign I ran this past weekend?

>> No.8485829

OP, you are partying with a bunch of tremendous faggots. I recommend you sterilize them immediately so as to not doom humanity.

>> No.8485830

>We finish leveling up our characters, and immediately go rob the provisions store to take whatever we can. I lose my lawful alignment by doing this, and can no longer take levels in monk.
Only idiots truly believe lawful = follows the law. Lawful means you follow a code or honor of some sort, especially since monks lawful comes less from moral codes and more from personal codes.

>> No.8485834


>> No.8485845


>> No.8485846

Cue music.


Imo tell you 'bout a BAAAAAD muthasucka, a fists 'o fury monk by tha name of Tyrone. Dis nigga throws dem flurries like a crashing wave, hittin ALL dem foes.

Dealing with some dumbass crackah allies, he gotsta fight on his own, aint nobody got his back.

Aftah his barbarian pal got cut down by the mob, Tyrone swooooore to fuck shit up in the name 'o Gazruk, and get his vengeance on the crackas dat fucked his world UP!

>> No.8485858

This is the most badass god damn build up I've ever read. I imagined you and the fighter having a gearing up montage and carrying a noticeable amount of equipment as you walk into the woods, the camera set at the ground viewing your backs so you look tall as fuck.

This shit had better be epic.

>> No.8485864

Beating up a shopkeeper and stealing his magic items is pretty unlawful any way you look at it. Even if the shopkeeper was charging five times the market price. Then, If you're wondering why I threw the jousting match in the first place, it was because my character had a gambling problem as an established character flaw.

>> No.8485868

Good. Now, I'm not too familiar with Pathfinder, but I know a great way to troll in 3.5 was warlock, even at low levels. If not, then I have another ideas for maximum lulz: choose race that has resist to fire, the more the better. Max fire resist in every way possible. I'm talking scolls, potions, armor, rings, whatever. Since DM has established island as volcanic, find lava. Magma fight!
Even better if you could work a total/near total resist, grab someone and pull them in.

>> No.8485876


>> No.8485884

Best class for trolling the party?

Download the Playtest Finals from Paizo. Make the new and improved Alchemist. This lets you:
>Accidentally blast your friends with the splash damage of your bombs if they're in combat - or take a direct hit if you miss. "I didn't know about the discovery that lets me control the splash damage locations!"
Use Mutagens to turn yourself into Mr. Hyde. "But I'm always evil when I'm using a mutagen!"
>"Accidentally" give them infusions that aren't activated to make them nauseated for an hour if they fail their saving throw instead of using the "Infusion" discovery so they can benefit from your buffs and and healing formulas.
Use the Dilute Potion Discovery to duplicate any potion, meaning you get a free potion any time anyone finds or buys one.
>Use your Brew Potion feat to brew a potion, then dilute it, meanign you get two potions for the cost of one.
Take the Wealthy Parents trait to get an extra 900 starting gold to spend on cheap first level potions (at 2 for one with the dilute potion discovery!).

>> No.8485910


>> No.8485970

Depends. Is it a story of dickholes like this, or a story of righteous fury?

>> No.8485980

> playing a virtual game of PnP WoW
> in Pathfinder
> editionwars.jpg

Or failing that and this is actually real, you are being P-A dude, but now I want you to be a dick so I can hear the inevitable ending to this potentially epic troll-tale.

Also, if you start a new game, invite the fighter. He sounds pretty bro.

>> No.8485984

I want to hear about it, he already said it was badass.

>> No.8485987

Okay, here's the backdrop.
(Time constraints were kind of an issue in this campaign, if some parts seem rushed, its because they were. I had four of my best friends drive across the state to play this game, and we only had five days)

Imagine a city-state, by the name of Camlann, with a large emphasis on military expansion. During most of its history, Camlann has made use of its extensive military prowess to subjugate, divide, and conquer all of the surrounding lands and territories. This large expansion has led to decent technological growth, (basically they have gunpowder and cannons, but no handheld guns), a mass assimilation of cultures, and an influx of people from newly conquered territories.

However, it has recently dawned upon a city with such a large stake in its own military that there is just nobody left to fight. They've expanded as far as they literally can, and now don't know what to do with themselves. An economic and social standstill has been reached, in that you have a generation of people; all military trained, with no real-life knowledge. So the question is posed: do we expand further and conquer hitherto unknown lands? Or do we sit on our fat asses and enjoy the spoils of war?

Yet all is not as it seems in this city, for there are revolutionaries who wish vengeance upon the corrupt nobility and military higher-ups who take advantage of the common man, and force him into servitude.

Enter the PCs: a group of mercenaries who have been scouted by this revolutionary organization: The Veylark Brotherhood.

>> No.8486001

Archive this shit.

>> No.8486010

... hmm, well, we're off to a decent start. Sure beats "you walk into an inn; there is a wizard there."

>> No.8486012

If you don't know how to do it and it hasn't been archived already, it probably doesn't deserve it.

>> No.8486016

No. No, it isn't. If your guy's code is okay with stealing (and, let's face it, he's black) then it is entirely lawful.

>> No.8486033

Thios works especially well since you don't spend experience to make magic iterms, and Alchemists get Brew potion at 1st level.
1st level: Bonus Alchemist feats: Brew Potion and Throw anything,
1st: Weapon finesse
1st: Bonus human feat: Improved Unarmed Combat (for your mutagen combat monster use if you want to go that rout) or Deadly Aim (for non-bomb weapon throwing).
2nd: Discovery: Dilute Potion
3rd: Point Blank Shot (the damage won't apply to bombs, but the to-hit bonus will)
4th: Discovery: Infusion

Have fun.

>> No.8486036

>revolution against a corrupt militant regime

I happen to love revolutionary campaigns.


>> No.8486077

Take note OP, this anon knows what's up.

I still thing magma-slinging coul be a lot of fun. Or lighting yourself on fire and grappling... Scratch that. Roll a construct. Cover yourself in poisons, shake hands/hug other PCs.

Or pull one on the theif, steal their amulets and replathem with fakes.. fort or die?

>> No.8486147


PC Roll Call
"Him" - CE, playing Invisible Blade
Al'Sham Wyles -- CN, playing a Beguiler
Joseph Knock -- TN, playing a Ranger
Saburo - CN, Playing a custom class based on Iaijutsu (drawing your sword, then sheathing it)

The party was independently summoned to a warehouse on the eastern side of the city, near the east docks. As they talked amongst themselves about why they had been summoned here: Al'Sham for gold and pleasure; Joseph Knock, to find purpose; and Saburo, only because he had been anonymously asked to come here. Then, out of the shadows, they were approached by four men, who hailed them as members of the Veylark Brotherhood.

The four newcomers introduced themselves as Gregor, a large imposing muscleman; Estaad, a short, wiry fellow brandishing two short swords; Thaddeus, a man shrouded in robes; and Dyson, who wore a shining breastplate with a sword and shield on his back.

The seven men discussed the possibility of revolution and the roles that would be required. Should the party join the Veylarks in their bloody coup, they would be handsomely rewarded...

After some discussion, the party accepted the offer and decided to join the Veylarks. Thaddeus grinned at the party and said, "Very well. Your first assignment is to prove your loyalty... We know that Dyson..." he pointed at the breastplate-clad man, "...is a traitor. Kill him."

>> No.8486150

Take all their amulets, wear multiples so the miasma won't affect you.

Figure out a way to make the volcano erupt.

>> No.8486201

>We know that Dyson..." he pointed at the breastplate-clad man, "...is a traitor. Kill him."

A twist that early in the game?

You've got style.

>> No.8486307

(party is level 6 btw)

Massive sense motive checks were rolled by all. Saburo's was the highest, and he determined that Thaddeus was indeed being truthful.

Dyson stammered to defend himself, "Y-you must be joking! I would never engage in such treachery, I regard you as my BROTHERS!"

Saburo ignored him, and unsheathed a gleaming Katana. "Traitors must be punished!"

Dyson stood back, and yelled "You are the traitorous ones!", taking an action to fire a signal flare through a window on the roof of the warehouse.

Suddenly, the sounds of shattering glass echoed through the warehouse, as military guards crashed through the windows, riding ropes down. Two rangers slid down and landed on top of two 15-foot stacks of crates, as did a Elementalist opposite them. The party was surrounded by Dyson's goon squad.

Saburo charged, and attacked Dyson, as the rest of the party; Gregor, Estaad, and Thaddeus included, engaged the guards in combat.

(Now would be a good time to explain Saburo's class features. This class was designed to be on par with casters at later level progressions, so it was fucking powerful, and hard for me, as a DM to balance around. He based it off a Psion, and among other things, he can opt to delay the damage of a strike until he fully sheathes his sword. Meaning he can literally cut you in half, and you will not feel or take damage until he puts his sword back in it's sheath. Then you will die when he does. He can also expend power points and Psionic focus to gain massive once-per-encounter damage dice rolls on successful hits).

Within two rounds of combat with Saburo, Dyson was felled, and the rest of his squad soon followed suit. A lone soldier was left, and as he slowly backed away from the party, who surely must be monsters; he was stabbed through the chest by an unseen hand.

The party was taken aback and readied actions to deal with another foe... but Thaddeus merely shrugged them off and drawled, "You're late..."

>> No.8486411


The fourth player character, a notorious killer, whose name was spoken only in pronouns, approached the party from the darkness. He extracted his knife from the guard's corpse and introduced himself: "I am He... who ends lives."

After some deliberation among the party, who had just proven themselves as loyal members of the Veylark Brotherhood, it was apparent that they needed to make an exit from their current location, as they had just annihilated a squad of guards. Thaddeus and Gregor made their exit, but Estaad, in his youth, was enthralled with the style and proficiency of Saburo's swordplay. After obsessing over his new "friend," Estaad too, left; leaving the party to dispose of the bodies. A few crates were emptied of their contents, and the bodies were stuffed into them after being looted.

Al'Sham, however, made note of Dyson's appearance, armor, and uniform, and decided that the identity of Dyson could still be of some use to the party.

>> No.8486442

>He extracted his knife from the guard's corpse and introduced himself: "I am He... who ends lives."


>> No.8486583


So now, back at the hideout, Thaddeus explained to the party that they would soon be given their first assignment. They have it on good authority that a messenger will be leaving a postal office the next day, bearing information regarding troop movement orders. The objective of the party would be to ensure that an altered set of orders gets delivered instead of the real ones.

Thaddeus has gone through the trouble of having a false copy of the troop movement orders created, but does not have in his possession a royal signet ring to authenticate a wax seal on the document. Therefore the party must first journey to the Noble Quarter of the city, located in the northern parts, and retrieve one such signet ring from Lord Astor, who is indebted to the Veylarks.

However, the party muse first disguise themselves as members of the nobility, so as to not be conspicuous. Al'Sham is in his element here, as he is quite proficient in the disguise skill.

He disguises the party to look like the following:

Joseph Knock- He's wearing this
"Him" - (did I mention he's a halfling?) http://www.toplessrobot.com/lollipop%20guild-thumb.jpg
Sanburo -- http://thumb7.shutterstock.com.edgesuite.net/display_pic_with_logo/59632/59632,1188672578,2/
Al'Sham -- http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2129/2476205324_5eba77c4b6.jpg

So with ridiculous disguises, on they went.

>> No.8486758

Fuck I accidentally wrote too much and ended up losing the bit about where they get the signet ring. Long story short, Joseph almost shoots some people when he gets trigger happy, but everyone calms him down, they meet Lord Astor and his awesome Butler, and then come back for the next phase of the plan:

The Veylarks have a large stock of gunpowder, which the party is keen to use. They have collected several vials of black powder, and intend to use them to create a massive distraction in the city Marketplace as the messenger passes by, en route to deliver his letter. Al'Sham will host a large magic show for the people present, and when the time is right, will step on a hidden spell mine, which will cast a Fog spell, and disguise him as Captain Dyson of the Imperial Guard. From there, the halfling and Joseph will sow confusion among the crowd, causing a panic. Al'Shamn, disguised as Dyson, will hail the messenger, give him the false documents and tell him that new orders have been issued, and to speed quickly to the garrison, as there is trickery afoot!

The final step of the plan will be enacted when Saburo emerges to mug the messenger, relieving him of the REAL troop orders, and ensuring that the fake orders will be delivered.

As a DM I was extremely impressed with the ability of the party to come up with such an intricate plan. Let's see how it played it out!

>> No.8486831


>> No.8486849


So the next day, the party makes their way to the city marketplace about an hour before the messenger is expected to arrive.

Al'Sham uses ghost sound to magnify his voice and yells "COME ONE, COME ALL, SEE A MYSTIFYING DISPLAY OF WONDER!"

(Now, the people of this city are not terribly accustomed to magic, especially schools such as abjuration and transmutation; as the mages of the city mainly use elemental evocation magic. A beguiler's techniques would be utterly stupefying to the everyman walking the street)

A large crowd draws, curious about the loud sound. Al'Sham then casts Dazzling Lights on a nearby child, and shouts, "BEHOLD!"

The kid believes that he is on fire, and reacts accordingly. The crowd also believes the kid is on fire, and panics. Quickly, Saburo pushes the kid out of the way, and shows the crowd that the Dancing Lights are harmless. The crowd then calms down and laughs at this.

Al'Sham continues to dazzle the crowd with magic, and soon they are throwing coins in adoration. Meanwhile, the halfling and Joseph set out to buy fruit.

Namely watermelons. Watermelons with which to conceal their gunpowder flasks. Joseph purchases a number of watermelons for each of their flasks, and splits them with Joseph. The watermelon vendor sees Joseph with the melons, and accosts him, saying that he stole them. The halfling returns and states that he just gave him the melons. The vendor calms down, and returns to his stand.

Suddenly, Joseph spots the messenger approaching from across the marketplace.

He signals to Al'Sham, who exclaims, "Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention, was most appreciated," as he steps on the fog mine, and is instantly enshrouded with fog and disguised as Captain Dyson. Joseph and the halfling light their watermelon bombs and throw them into the gathered crowd. The explode, sowing confusion and scattering the crowd.

>> No.8486910


So with the watermelon bombs sown, the crowd panicking, and Al'Sham disguised as Dyson running to the messenger, everything was going perfectly. Saburo moved away at the far end of the marketplace to intercept the courier, and the halfing and Joseph moved to create even more chaos...

The shrill, yet booming voice of the halfing was heard over the panic: "FIVE GOLD FOR A PAPAYA? THAT'S FUCKING NUTS!!" onlookers observed the papaya vendor erupt in a geyser of blood and fall to the ground. Moments later, the watermelon vendor had his skull pierced by two arrows, silently fired by Joseph Knock.

Pandemonium ensued in the marketplace, and two plainclothes guards drew their weapons to protect the courier. The halfling saw them emerge, and rolled a watermelon bomb their way.

One guard attempted to jump over it, the other moved past it. The guard who jumped was blown flat on his ass by the explosion, while the other guard was unaffected. However, Joseph Knock readied an arrow and pierced the man's thigh.

Everything was working... then Dyson hailed the messenger, who recognized him as an officer, and approached him: "Captain! What are your orders!" he exclaimed...

And Al'Sham... forgot... what... he was supposed to say...

>> No.8486967


>> No.8487018

>And Al'Sham... forgot... what... he was supposed to say...
Did the character forget, or did the player forget?

>> No.8487020


>> No.8487026


Al'Sham stammered out... "I... uh... we heard you were going to be robbed... so uh... here are some fake orders to give to the robbers"

Immediately, all concerns for metagaming aside, the rest of the party exclaimed: "YOU DUMBASS, THAT'S NOT IT"

For lack of a better thing to do, Al'Sham called for Saburo: "TAKE DOWN THE MESSENGER!"

Saburo dashed forward, and sliced the courier, opting to do nonlethal damage, and sheathed his sword. Immediately the courier fainted. Meanwhile, the guard who had been knocked down by the watermelon bomb used his move action to get up. Then the guard pierced by an arrow made his way towards Joseph... but in doing so passed right by a well-hidden halfling, who extended a foot to trip him.

The man tripped, failed his balanced checks inconceivably, and managed to fall on the arrow lodged in his thigh, breaking it in the wound. The Halfling then jumped on the man's head, and beat him unconscious. For the guard who was still standing, Joseph Knock readied a special sleeping arrow, aimed it, and fired...

and missed. In fact he rolled a 1. Because the halfling and the unconscious guard were directly in his line of fire, I assigned each target a number. 1 hits the unconscious guard, 2 hits the halfling, 3 whiffs into nothing, and 4 hits your intended target.

I rolled 2. The halfling was put asleep.

Joseph readied his second attack with another sleeping arrow, fired, and missed.

And then his third attack, at +2 to hit... his final sleeping arrow... found it's target. The second guard was put to sleep.

Saburo picked up the courier; Joseph picked up the halfling and each ran away from the square as fast as they could. Al'Sham had a chance to redeem himself, and disguised himself as the courier, intending to deliver the message to the garrison himself.

>> No.8487097

>intending to deliver the message to the garrison himself.

>> No.8487118


Al'Sham, while disguised as the courier, uses Rouse to wake the two guards, exclaiming that they are under attack, and to tend to the wounded. He will deliver the message to the garrison with all haste.

He proceeds to the garrison, who have heard of the incident in the marketplace, and are mobilizing troops. He succeeds in his bluff checks in protecting his identity, and delivers the message. He excuses himself by saying that he must ensure the safety of his wife and leaves.

He heads back to the hideout, where the rest of the party is waiting. All are relieved that they were able to pull it off, despite the fuckups, and they begin interrogating the courier for useful information.

Saburo slices the courier again, this time for lethal damage, and hesitates in sheathing his sword, in order to torture the courier; enticing him to talk.

Al'Sham questions the courier... the first question being: "Do you have a wife?"

Now I roll a percentage: 70-100 He's married. 40-69 He's got a girlfriend. 10-39 He lives with his mom. 5-9 He's a neckbeard who browses /tg/. 0-4 He's totally gay.

I roll a 03.

Al'Sham has cast a detect thoughts spell to aid in the interrogation of the courier, and is suddenly flooded by images of a man. As his questions intensify, the man appears in various states of undress. Then he's sucking a dick. Al'Sham is disgusted upon this realization, and that he gave false information to the garrison. However, the military is big on don't-ask-don't-tell, and the garrison was probably surprised/relieved to hear that he had a wife.

After extracting any more useful information out of the guy, Saburo sheathes his sword and the courier explodes into a puddle of blood. Thaddeus is infuriated that they have made a mess in the hideout, and tells them to dispose of the body at the docks.

>> No.8487177

However, the question of payment rises up among the party, and Saburo requests that in lieu of gold, he desires an adamantium Katana for his troubles. Thaddeus explains that they have no such materials... but such an object might be available on the black market. The docks would be the best place to go to inquire about such a thing.

The party quietly moves to the docks, carrying the body concealed in a wheelbarrow. They arrive at a beachfront and tie a rock to the body, then dump it into the ocean. However, they are surprised to find two other men at the same beach doing the same thing!

A quick inspection shows that these men have slicked back hair, giant gold chains around their necks, and are wearing track suits. They are obviously gangsters. Joseph Knock readies some arrows and attempts to attack, but Saburo calls him back. The party hails the gangsters, and introduces themselves as members of the revolution. The gangsters respond with "Ha, those guys?" and immediately burst into laughter.

Joseph, attempts to fire, but the gangsters turn around and head back to the pier. Having lost their lead on finding the black market, the party then searches the pier looking for similarly dressed men.

And they find one entering a fish market. As he attempts to extort protection money from the local fishmonger, the party encounters Big Tony (he says "hi"), owner of Big Tony's Big Sausage and Pasta Emporium. He is a local mob boss, and takes the party to his secret underground gambling strip club.

>> No.8487261


Now, after some banter back and forth, Big Tony says that he might be able to procure some supplies for the party, including adamantium scrap with which to forge a sword, blast disks for Al'Sham, sleeping arrows for Joseph, and poisons for the halfling...

Provided of course... they are willing to do the Don a favor. See, the mob here is big in the club business, and they own a number of fine partying establishments around the city. It just so happens that the daughter of the commander of the Western City Garrison likes to party without daddy's permission... and she likes to party at their clubs. If she was to... say... disappear for a few days, daddy might be willing to pay a large sum to make her... reappear a'capiche?

But it can't look like the mafia was involved... so the party must be the ones to kidnap her and bring her to a secret dropoff point at the western city docks.

And then... another epic planning session ensues. Al'Sham will attempt to disguise the party as a bunch of hipster partygoers, and Saburo will seduce their target, name of Evennia Thargus (daughter of Commader Thargus). Joseph will create a distraction, while the halfling slips anasthetic poison into Evennia's drink. Saburo will take her to dance to make the poison work faster; then he will convince her to leave the club, and then they will kidnap her.

So we're now venturing into date rape. Let's see how it turns out.

>> No.8487292

oh my GOD
how much more is there
I need sleep sometime tonight

>> No.8487311

Suck it up.

>> No.8487316

i am loving every minute of this

>> No.8487327


Now, turns out, before they get their date rape on, Al'Sham wants to exploit his Captain Dyson disguise by meeting with his contact at the Western Garrison (that's how they initially figured out he was a traitor) and requesting additional supplies. He goes alone, and meets with his contact, who turns out to be none other than Commander Thargus himself. He corroborates his story about helping the courier in the marketplace, and requests supplies for him and his squad, including a number of blast discs, gold, and other provisions (new uniforms, etc.). The Garrison is apparently still unaware that Dyson and his squad are dead.

So after that, the party gets disguised, and they move to the club. Saburo leaves his katana behind, and Joseph leaves his bow, as they would be conspicuous with weapons; but they both take concealed daggers (and it just so happens that Saburo's skills work as long as he has a weapon that can be sheathed).

Al'Sham disguises the group as partying hipsters, and he disguises himself as a beggar. He casts message on everybody so that they can all remain in contact; and the party proceeds to the club.

Now, it is worth mentioning that I rolled extremely well on Saburo's disguise check... like dudes that are even a little bit gay think he's gorgeous. Totally bro-rape material. Needless to say, Evennia against this guy's looks, provided he doesn't FORGET HIS ROLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GRIFT.

>> No.8487351

I salute you op. You went from dick, to bro, to troll, to epic, and are now ascending to god tier.

>> No.8487375

After this we burn the city and storm the castle. I still have homework to do and class in 4 hours ;) not sleeping tonight.

Anyway, the group enters the club, and Saburo takes a seat at the bar. He asks for sake, they have none. He orders vodka instead. He happens to be sitting next to Chad Brochill and his friend Skylar Popcollar. Chad Brochill wants to bang Saburo, and starts ordering him drinks.

Meanwhile, a bunch of girls swarm Joseph Knock and the halfling. Two moderately attractive girls, one hottie, and one hambeast come to Knock, and a hottie and her hambeast friend fawn over the Halfling. The halfling says something extremely disturbing about how fast it takes to exsanguinate a body, and scares away his girls. He moves to search the bar for their target.

Joseph Knock, however, has all the girls now, and takes them to dance. While dancing, he spots the target between two of her friends, about 20 feet away from Saburo, who is almost getting bro raped himself by Chad Brochill.

Joseph takes the ugliest girl within arms reach, and asks to buy her a drink. He sits down next to the friend of their Target with his date, and IMMEDIATELY starts making out with the hambeast. I roll to see if she's into it... and she is.

>> No.8487432

What if I told you it gets better?


So Joseph Knock is getting it on with the ugly chick and it's totally nasty. He's got his hand down' the back of her hairy ass. Suddenly, without warning, he spins her around and knocks the target's friend to the floor, along with his hambeast, who lands on top of her. He immediately dives to the floor and resumes making out with her, even dirtier and nastier than before. I roll, she's still into it.

Evennia's friend is freaking out (evennia is totally hot btw), and her friends help her up. The Halfling makes his move and poisons Evennia's drink. Evennia's friend grabs Joseph, hoists him up, and slaps him.

Joseph then grabs her, and starts making out with her.

She's not into it.

Then Joseph feels a large hand from behind. It's the hambeast, who is now upset that he's making out with another chick, and she turns him around and slaps him. Joseph then proceeds to chase the hambeast around the bar in attempt to rape her right then and there (screaming "I'M GONNA RAPE YOU BITCH" all the way).

Needless to say, Joseph is escorted out of the club. The Halfling also leaves (but of his own volition). Al'Sham is waiting in a nearby alley, and Saburo moves in for the kill...

>> No.8487433

What, exactly, is rolled to determine if one is "into it"?

>> No.8487468

>I'm going to rape you bitch

>> No.8487493


"Are you hurt?" Saburo softly says to Evennia. I roll a percentile to see just how much she likes Saburo. I get a 97, she's got the yellow fever BAD.

Every word Saburo says seems to erupt into cherry blossoms that vaporize and melt straight into her brain. She totally digs him. Saburo then says "I would offer to buy you a drink, but it would be impolite, as you have not yet finished yours."

She downs it in one gulp, and he takes her to dance, ditching her friends.

Meanwhile, Joseph and the halfling are waiting outside the club for Saburo to return. I have them roll a spot check, and Joseph spots three hooded, suspicious looking dudes pushing their way through the line at the club. He points them out to the halfling, who immediately charges them. When the halfling draws a knife, the tallest of the three figures slowly says, "Get rid of this trash..."

The figure behind him, on his right, raises a hand, and a blast of air hits the halfling straight in the face, knocking him back 30 feet. The leader throws off his cloak, revealing a gigantic sword, which he uses to crash in the door of the club. The third member also throws off his cloak, revealing an electrified bow, which he aims at the panicked partygoers in the club's line.

The leader enters the shattered doorway, looks in the direction of Evennia and says "Lady Evennia... it is far past your bedtime..."

>> No.8487495

o god...

Your players are fantastic. You've worked with them to create something fabulous.

>> No.8487534

You know, I'm fairly certain that this is going to end in a Bel-Air.

Eh, why the fuck not, I'll stay and watch. Hopefully I'll be wrong.

>> No.8487541

d20 or percentage. High roll, she likes it.

I assume that's how it works irl.


Joseph Knock, seeing this from across the street, dookies a shooter all over himself, and realizes that he's unarmed, and can't fight with a dagger. He makes a spot check, and notices a nearby bowyer shop which is about to close. He runs in, and buys a crossbow comparable to the one he uses at double its price. Meanwhile, Al'Sham emerges from the alley after seeing a certain Halfling go flying by, and attempts to color spray the man with the large sword (it fails). He then casts Halt, and it works. The man (his name is Goren Bosch), is rooted for the round. Goren has not yet averted his gaze from Evennia, barely noticing the people about to attack him.

Joseph Knock returns from the bowyer, and shoots several arrows at Goren, hitting him in the back. The ranger with the electrified bow then takes aim at Joseph, and hits him for massive damage. Their elementalist mage then uses a cold spell to freeze the area around Al'Sham and the halfling (who are within 15 feet of one another), and they get hit for some damage.

>> No.8487611

I would never do that to you ;_;
>inb4 someone else impersonates me to do it...

Okay, then the halfling gets his turn. He runs up to Goren, and starts going NUTS stabbing him. He gets his sneak attack because Goren is halted, and thus, flat footed. He takes Goren down to even less health.

Still, Goren does not flinch, or even acknowledge his attackers, keeping his eyes on Evennia (he used his attack to bust the door... he hasn't yet gotten to attack the party).

Then Saburo bursts forward, dashing right up to Goren while drawing his concealed dagger (a 5 inch blade... vs. Goren's 5 foot sword). Saburo expends ALL of his power points to do the maximum possible damage in his one attack against Goren, provided it hits.

And it does.

Goren takes about 52 damage from one hit. I gave him 100 HP to start with, and the party so far had dealt about 27 to him; putting him at 21 Health. At this point, I'm thinking SHIT HE'S NOT EVEN GOING TO GET TO ATTACK AT THIS RATE! (I gave him some really cool attacks)

But anyway, I tell Saburo to make a concentration check... which he makes. I say to the party, you see Goren instantaneously teleport from where he is to behind Saburo. However, Saburo is able to concentrate and sees him move extremely fast...

I then get caught in a rules debacle... as Saburo says he should get an attack of opportunity. I have just shot myself in the foot by allowing this ability to not be a cheesy teleport, and instead of super fast ZWIFF (that's the sound it makes yeah).

Saburo takes his attack of opportunity.

And crits.

>> No.8487684

>And crits.

>> No.8487687


Goren, immediately upon ZWIFFING behind Saburo, is intercepted by a deft backhand that shatters his fucking face. As he falls to the ground unconscious, he hears Saburo mutter: "...too slow."

Upon seeing this, Evennia succumbs to the effects of the anesthetic, and faints. Saburo goes to pick her up.

Meanwhile, the fight is still continuing outside the club, where Joseph Knock and the Electric Ranger are filling each other with arrows. Al'Sham blinds the ranger with a color spray, and the elementalist responds by igniting Al'Sham in a pillar of fire. Al'Sham takes a shit ton of damage, gets dropped into the negatives, and is on fire.

Joseph Knock and the halfling manage to finish off the elementalist and the electric ranger, just in time to see Saburo, carrying Evennia, exiting the club... while Al'Sham burns to death in front of them.

They extinguish the flames on Al'Sham, but none of them have the heal skill, and none of them can use magic device. Their only healing item is a wand of cure light wounds that Al'Sham uses.

After failing to stabilize himself, Al'Sham struggles and goes to -9 hp... he is on the brink of death.

Joseph Knock calls out to the cowering partygoers, "100 GOLD TO ANYONE WHO CAN USE THIS WAND OR REVIVE OUR FRIEND!"

The bartender pokes his head out from behind the bar, and procures a potion of resuscitation (commonly used to revive unruly patrons that they have to take behind the club and beat). He stabilizes Al'Sham, who heals himself with the wand, and the rest of the party.

>> No.8487696

I can see a shower of chunks coming on.
This is an epic story OP.

>> No.8487754


Upon the realization that the party just completely waxed a group of people that were probably important, they need to gtfo. Al'Sham casts invisibility on the group, and they head down to the drop off point, which is a boathouse at the Western City Docks.

They fucking METAL GEAR their way past some guard patrols, and make it down to the docks. After some discussion, the group decides to remain invisible and let Saburo do the transaction with the mafia.

Saburo, however, has a different idea. Instead of just giving the girl over to the mafia, he wants to negotiate with the mafia to let them maintain custody of the girl, as she has information that could be useful to them.

They knock on the boathouse door, and are greeted by Big Tony, who has already heard of their exploits at the club (it was mafia owned, so they'd have sent someone IMMEDIATELY after shit went down). Big Tony only sees Saburo with the girl, as the rest of the party is invisible, and leads him into the boathouse. There are gangsters everywhere in the boathouse, along with a lavish looking sailing ship in dry dock. At the far end of the boathouse, they see a large man, reclining in a big comfy red chair.

In one hand, he has a cigar. In the other, a glass of wine. He is wearing the biggest gold chain of all the gangsters; on the end of this chain are the initials JP. Next to one of the arms of his chair is a bottle of wine in an ice chiller. At his feet, are two large hounds.

"Gentlemen," Big Tony exclaims, "Allow me to introduce to yous, Don 'The Murph'"

>> No.8487800

By the way, Big Tony would pronounce this as "da moiph" (its more of an inside joke that anything, but nobody isn't going to tell me that isn't an awesome name)


Now Don 'The Murph', for reasons completely unrelated to The Godfather, has a speech impediment, for which he requires Big Tony to translate. This is usually accomplished by him waving for Big Tony to come close, as he mumbles into Big Tony's ear, and Big Tony announces it to the party.

Big Tony starts by thanking Saburo for a job well done, and presents him with a crate containing his requested items. "And now... the girl..." Big Tony continues.

"Wait..." Saburo says, and he implores Don 'The Murph' to allow them to hold the girl and question her, insisting that she will not be harmed, and that information that she holds will be useful to the revolution. He rolls a MASSIVE diplomacy check, which Don 'The Murph' fails to oppose.

The Murph waves for Big Tony to come close, and whispers something to him. Big Tony scoffs, and says "In his incredible magnanimosity and gratitude, Don 'The Murph' has granted you visitation rights on our hostage, but wes gotta hold her. We have our ways of conducting a ransom."

Saburo then makes another diplomacy roll, and asks Don 'The Murph' if he has any resources he can donate to the revolution.

At this, Big Tony becomes enraged.

>> No.8487802

>only one party member visible
>implying they can detect the invisible members

>> No.8487806


Same guy as before. I am now incredibly intrigued. And I should really be getting some sleep but fuck it this is too interesting.

You sound like an awesome DM if this is anything to go by.

>> No.8487847

>so much awesome

>> No.8487861


>> No.8487864

f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5

>> No.8487877


Big Tony shouts "You're really overstepping your bounds. You revolutionaries act only on impulse. There's no control. Your emotions get the best of you, and you explode. Then what? There's nothing left! You fight till you've won or you're dead. I'm not gonna put anything more towards yous guys than I've already given because it's already considered lost. Give 'em an inch and they take a mile!"

Saburo very calmly pauses, and then asks Don 'The Murph' for permission to speak...

Now, /tg/ I am about to share with you the most epic moment of Dungeons and Dragons ever witnessed by my senses. I daresay the game was CREATED for this very moment to pass.

The Murph grants Saburo permission to speak, Big Tony looks upset.

Saburo begins making an epic, impassioned speech. I don't mean he just rolls a speechcraft check, no. The player started making a speech about the beauty of fighting for one's ideals and beliefs, to feel a cause so truly, and with such devotion that one would not hesitate to lay down one's life for such a cause; that the mark of true manhood, nay, HEROISM is when one makes a decision of true selflessness for the benefit of all mankind. He goes on to say that he once knew a man like The Murph, a crime boss in the land in which he originated, who was greedy and stole freely from the people at large... but when the nation he loved was threatened, him and his allies rose up and fought against tyranny.

Saburo finishes by humbling himself, bowing to the floor, pleading, BEGGING Don 'The Murph' for aid...

>> No.8487896



>> No.8487906


>> No.8487908

bracing for epic

>> No.8487925



>> No.8487930

okay this is just epic now i mean dear god i think my brain is trying to strangle my soul just because it can't take the awesome

>> No.8487936

Then what happened!? Don't leave us hanging here!

>> No.8487941

oh jesus shitballs

>> No.8487947


You have the best party ever.

>> No.8487964 [DELETED] 

And then 'The Murph' got pissed and killed the party.


>> No.8487971




>> No.8487982


Fucking knew it was coming.

>> No.8487994


>> No.8487995

That's not OP.

Now come the fuck back OP, your story just cured my brothers bladder stones from reading it.

>> No.8488001


Big Tony starts up, "Don't think we haven't fought! Don't think we haven't tried! We lost many good men fighting against the crown! It got us NOWHERE! We've gotten to where we are by abiding by the rules only enough to break 'em! We only need to sustain ourselves to live, that's the only way to survive in this city!"

Don 'The Murph' motions for Big Tony to come closer.

Big Tony leans in...

Don 'The Murph' reels back and SLAPS Big Tony with his massive hand. Big Tony is knocked onto the floor.

Don 'The Murph' hoists himself up, standing over Saburo, and croaks out, "...Stand..."

Saburo looks up, and sees that Don 'The Murph' is crying. He has been moved to tears. He is not just crying, he is damn near blubbering. Saburo looks around, so are all of the gangsters in the boathouse.

The Murph reaches out, and gives Saburo a gigantic bear hug, which Saburo returns. When he releases Saburo, the Murph starts in:

"I too have a story." He holds up his gigantic gold chain, with the jewel encrusted initials JP.

"This J is for me... D-Don John Murphy... and this P... *snif* this P is for... L-little Paulie." At the sound of the name, all of the gangsters in the room (including Big Tony, who is still sprawled on the floor) remove their headwear and bow their heads.

>> No.8488029

oh shit son
F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5

>> No.8488031


"Little Paulie was my son. He enlisted in the military because he believed in what they were fighting for. He wanted to find purpose in his own life... but... through his letters, he found that it was awful, and didn't believe in anything they were doing."

Don 'The Murph' breaks down in sobs at this point.

"AND WHERE DID IT GET HIM!? HE DIED ALONE. IN A NAMELESS PLACE. IN A GODFORSAKEN SPIT OF EARTH FOR HIS GRAVE. HE DIED POINTLESSLY. And ever since he passed... life has lost it's color. I tell you. Merely existing is no way to live. We have to fight for what we believe in, or despair living someone else's lies. I will be that man from your village. You have... our support."

Saburo grasps The Murph at the shoulders.

"And you... have ours..."

>> No.8488062

Someone archive this, it's too epic for words.

>> No.8488063

I creamed my panties

>> No.8488080


What were you thinking? Don't waste your efforts on Trollan the game you dislike. Run more like this! Seriously awesome stuff. Allow your monk to die a manly death and start up a new game with this as your stepping stone.

On another note, MOAR. That is all.

>> No.8488084


>> No.8488107


The Murph tells saburo to meet with him the next day, and to send representatives from the Veylark Brotherhood to better facilitate this merger between the Mafia and the Veylarks (HE FUCKING RECRUITED THE MAFIA OMG OMG)

So the party, needless to say is fucking SPELLBOUND what just happen, I'm on the brink of manly tears, and we're on an emotional high at this point. It's fucking great.

On the way back to the hideout, the rest of the party de-invisos and Joseph Knock exclaims "I have finally found my purpose in life. I believe wholeheartedly in this revolution, and I devote my entire being into realizing our dream."

When they get back to the hideout, however, they find that it is packed to the brim with their allies. Word has spread fast of their deeds at the club, for those who they have killed were high ranking officers at the Western Garrison (Goren Bosch was second in command to Commander Thargus). Included in the assembly are Thaddeus, Estaad (who is even more psyched about Saburo now), Goren (lol remember him?), and a figure they hadn't seen before.

Indeed, this man whom they do not recognize is not one who holds such an appearance as a normal man, but a being enshrouded completely in darkness bearing a humanoid shape! He looks like a man whose entire being reflects no light; he is completely devoid of light. Only visible is the dark-brown, almost black cloak that he is wearing.

Thaddeus exclaims to the party: "Allow me to introduce our leader, who has deemed it fit to grace you with his presence."

The dark figure growls out "Welcome heroes. My name is Skelos Lykestroud."

>> No.8488156

sweet gods of the universe this may be the source of all EPIC Dnd game ever

>> No.8488159


>> No.8488189


The party is pretty shocked at meeting this dude, who I assure you, I did not just pull out my ass. This was planned (and one of the few things that was. we fucking ad-libbed those speeches on both our behalves).

He congratulates the party on their exploits, claiming that they dealt a great blow to the military, and as a result, their masterstroke would be realized right under the military's nose. Saburo tells Skelos about the new developments with the mafia, and everyone is shocked. Skelos begins to laugh, a loud, roaring, crackling laugh, and shouts, "TRULY! VICTORY IS AT HAND!"

The party takes some well deserved rest and begins the next day.

They go to The Murph's townhouse to plan their assault. The city must be burned in several areas to ensure maximum confusion is sown among the soldiers. Because the party had succeeded in all their missions, they ensured that guard patrols would be at the wrong place at the right time for this plan to be enacted. The party was tasked with burning the Western Docks and the Western Garrison, then making it to the Castle Gates to storm the castle with Skelos himself.

Then the party raises the question of their payment. The raid is tonight, and Saburo still has to get an adamantium Katana forged...

In the interest of time, I split up the party to take care of this. Big Tony tells Saburo that he knows a swordsmith who can help, and oh hey, he's right out back. Saburo and Joseph go together to meet this swordsmith, and oh man, it's Muramasa, chained between heaven and hell, forging demonic swords for all eternity. Right in Don The Murph's fucking garage. (This was the only asspull I swear)

Meanwhile, Al'Sham is not to be cheated on his deal with the military, and disguises himself as Captain Dyson to collect on his supplies from the Western Garrison. The halfling trails him as he heads off to the western part of the city, and as such, Al'Sham has disguised the halfling as a small, lost child.

>> No.8488261


Saburo hands Muramasa the adamantium, and I say it will take him three hours to forge a +3 Adamantium Katana.

Meanwhile, Al'Sham and the halfling are out dodging guard patrols (oh and btw, the party has leveled twice now, once after the courier fuckery, and again last night). Al'Sham gets GLIBNESS which he uses to bluff his way out of every possible encounter with a guard patrol, seeing as he looks like a guard captain, and believe me, MARTIAL LAW IS IN ORDER.

So he makes it to the alleys near the Western Garrison, and splits up with the halfling. Now, the halfling had been complaining that he didn't have enough stuff to shank, so I threw him a bone. Four guards spot him in the alley, and start coming towards him to question him.

He dives into an open manhole cover. The four guards stand like idiots over the hole, but none of them can go down because they're encumbered by armor. I'm thinking "Yeah, he's gonna do some massive hide fuckery and kill these guys."

Nope. Instead he goes deeper down the manhole into the sewers. So instead, he comes across two city workers, who are repairing some valves on top of some fast running water.

The halfling sneaks up on one of them, shanks him, and punts him into the water. His buddy turns around, sees the halfing, and rolls a TERRIBLE wisdom check.

He thinks he can take the halfing, and initiates a grapple. The halfing is specced for escape artist, and gets out. Then he holds a knife to the guy's throat, and starts questioning what the guy is doing. The worker suddenly notices that he's covered in his buddy's BLOOD, freaks out, and shouts "WATER MAIN FOR THE WESTERN SIDE OF THE CITY PLEASE DON'T KILL ME."

The halfling's eyes widen. He lets the guy go, and throws a dagger as he's running way. He turns to the valve panel labeled "MAIN CONTROL PUMP" and starts rolling some disable device.

>> No.8488306

Lolwut. He's disabling the city waterworks on the day of city-wide arson? Oh dear.

>> No.8488315


Now, as for Al'Sham, he makes it to the Western Garrison, and knocks on the kitchen entrance, where Dyson would usually go for this sort of thing. A guard opens the door, recognizes him, and goes off to get Commander Thargus.

Five minutes later, the door is thrust open with such force that it knocks Al'Sham to the floor. Thargus storms out, draws his sword and points it at Al'Sham's neck, and growls "WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!?"

Al'Sham, still under the effects of Glibness, rolls MASSIVE BLUFF against Thargus, and actually makes him believe that he, and the Veylarks, to his knowledge, had nothing to do with the kidnapping. He even says that he didn't know his daughter was kidnapped, but will keep his ear to the ground in case anything turns up. He assures the commander he would stake his life, his identity, and the mission he is currently tasked with on the safety of the commander's Daughter.

At hearing this the commander eases up, and starts to withdraw, muttering about the god damn mafia.

Al'Sham says "Wait! the supplies I asked for are drastically needed! We're to move tonight"

Thargus says "We were only able to assemble half the supplies you wanted. I told you it would take a full week for it all."

So Al'Sham exits with a supply of blast disks, gold, and military uniforms equal to about half what originally asked... but that doesn't matter, shit is going down TONIGHT.

By now, the halfling has emerged from the sewers after disconnecting the water main to the west side of the city, and he and Al'Sham make their way back to the hideout independently. Muramasa has also finished forging Saburo a +3 Adamantium Katana, and uses the leftover adamantium to make three +3 adamantium arrows for Joseph Knock.

Elegan/t g/entlemen, are you ready for the finale?

>> No.8488330


>> No.8488334

>Elegan/t g/entlemen, are you ready for the finale?

The castle is on fire. The party burst into the throne room and King bellows at them: "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?"

Saburo cocks his head, smiles and says: "We're the Aristocrats".

Is it something like that, OP?

>> No.8488340

>Elegan/t g/entlemen, are you ready for the finale?

>> No.8488346


>> No.8488375


By the cover of nightfall, the party makes their move. Disguised as a guard patrol carrying supplies, they have a wheelbarrow with a crate containing their supply of Blast Disks and a hidden nameless Halfling.

With Al'Sham disguised as their captain, utilizing the FUCK out of Glibness, they bluff their way past any guard patrols. Few raise suspicion, but they see that Al'Sham outranks their captains.

The party arrives at the western docks. Their target is a boat which has been prepared with a large amount of explosives. If they can set fire to the cargo hold of the boat, the blast radius will ensure that all surrounding buildings and watercraft will go up in flames, including the navy's flagship which is moored nearby.

When the party gets to the boat, there are two guards standing watch at the gangway. When Al'Sham actually fails to bluff his way through, he casts silence on the guards, Joseph Knock takes an action to throw a sleep arrow to Saburo, who quickly runs up and shanks both guards. They fall asleep. The group boards the boat, and places the two sleeping guards in the hold.

They then place a blast disk on the door of the cargo hold, triggered to go off if moved, or after one hour has passed. Whatever happens first.

They also conceal a blast disk on the gangway of the boat, set to go off as a proximity mine.

With their work here done, they make their way towards the Western Garrison.

>> No.8488390

...That's not a finale.

>> No.8488399


It's setting up for it, man.


>> No.8488405


Type faster, I wanna know how this story ends!

>> No.8488422

You don't know how badly I was tempted to actually do that. BUT WE HAVE COME TOO FAR.


Al'Sham, realizes that he can also disguise himself as Commander Thargus... and does so. He tells the party to go around to the kitchen entrance in the back of the Garrison. The kitchen is located within the stone walls of the garrison, in which there is a courtyard with wooden buildings. Al'Sham casts invisibility on the halfling and gives him four blast disks to place. Now, disguised as Thargus, Al'Sham demands that the front gate be lowered, and the guards manning the garrison believe him. He storms into the courtyard, where people are surprised to see him, as they believed he was at the castle.

He bellows to all the guards, soldiers, and captains in the courtyard, "TO THE WESTERN DOCKS, AT ONCE! WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!"

A cacophonous cry of "YES SIR!" is heard, as the garrison is swiftly cleared of all soldiers. The halfling sneaks some shit around, and puts blast disks on all four wooden buildings.

Time to end this shit.

>> No.8488485


This should end with them taking control of the city - and therefore, the government - after so much epic they've pulled off.

>> No.8488495


The party arrives at the castle walls, just in time to hear a large BOOM go off from the direction of the western docks... followed by four smaller booms coming from the direction of garrison. There is pandemonium in the streets. In the distance they can see that that city is burning everywhere they look. Guards are running everywhere, not caring about formation or formality. It is chaos.

And now, at the castle walls, the party debates how they are going to scale the wall and get inside.

"Well, adamantium ignores hardness." And Saburo cuts through the stone wall of the castle area like simon the fucking driller.

They get through the first wall, and they see a lavish courtyard with fountains and topiaries and all that royal shit, but fuck that, we're here to kill the king. They move onward to the castle, invisible thanks to Al'Sham, and make contact with Skelos at the back of the castle.

He is dark as ever, and has devised a secret entrance into the castle through a storeroom.

The party enters the castle and starts sneaking their way through some rooms. First a gigantic mess hall. Then an armory. Then a barracks, where they find two sleeping soldiers that they relieve of their mortal coil.

They make their way up the stairs to the next level, and there is a grand hallway leading from the stairs, lined with suits of armor on either side.

The party starts freaking out, and since we've only got like two fucking hours of game time left, I just say FUCK THEY'RE JUST SUITS OF ARMOR OMG SNEAK UP TO THE DOOR!

So they do. And they poke their heads outside... and see a guard patrol... none of whom spot the party.

>> No.8488541


Quickly, Al'Sham hands a thunderstone to the halfling, who tosses it right in the middle of the guards, deafening all of them.

Skelos erupts from the door and engages their captain. The party members notice that he is attacking... with claws.

But fuck that for now, the party moves into action, Saburo runs in and starts slicing motherfuckers with that awesome katana. Joseph Knock splits three dudes in one hit with an adamantium arrow, and the halfling finishes shit by carving up every motherfucker still standing.

There's one fucking staircase that goes up, and it's the only way to go from here.

So the party goes to the top floor, and discerns that it is empty. There are several locked rooms, and after some searching they find what appears to be a hidden door. Without hesitation, Saburo slices that shit with his Katana.

When the dust clears, they see the one whom they recognize as the king... sitting across the room from them, working, writing something at his bureau desk. His room is lavishly decorated with WHO GIVES A FUCK

>> No.8488558

rolled 3, 2, 10, 1, 7, 2, 8 = 33


Copy-pasting this into a word document to preserve it forever. Its 18 pages already. JESUS FUCK MAN KEEP TYPING.

>> No.8488572

The thread is already archived.

>> No.8488575


Now, upon seeing their target, Skelos flies into a RAGE, and runs across the room and accosts the king, claiming that NOW he will have his revenge.

The king is TERRIFIED and... oh man, something seems terribly wrong. Surely this sickly terrified twig of a man could not have been a military mastermind!

Surely, the king is just a patsy! His room has no windows, his door was locked from the outside!

The party realizes it, the king knows it, and soon it dawns on Skelos...

"What... is this" Skelos growls, seeing that the king is writing POETRY... "DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT YOUR CITY BURNS!?"

The king is speechless and wide eyed with terror. Skelos walks away for a second, paces, and yells "THIS IS ALL WRONG... WHY!?"

And that's when everyone failed their listen checks

>> No.8488580


Someone better be archiving this thread. For now I'm F5'ing it as soon as it updates. If people are interested later on today I'll post screencaps of this epic story.

>> No.8488582



>> No.8488595

i am saving the web page its self and copy pasting into notepad SOOOO GOOOD

>> No.8488596


...sweet monkey jesus.

>> No.8488599




>> No.8488641


The ceiling... caves in...

Some clutch reflex rolls save the party from damage, but Skelos is buried under a pile.

Crashing down at the epicenter of the rubble is a MASSIVE MAN wielding a TREMENDOUS WARHAMMER that is ARCING with BLUE LIGHTNING. He is laughing as he emerges from the dust, standing tall. The king stammers out "K-KETLOR! SAVE ME!"

From new hole in the ceiling, the sky is visible, and the massive man, who is the high general of the army, the head dude in charge the big bad mastermind of it all: General Taran Ketlor; rushes over to the king, and FLATTENS HIM WITH HIS HAMMER, WITHOUT A WORD.

He turns to the party... and with a massive, evil grin, whispers, "What... have you done"

Skelos ERUPTS from beneath the pile of rubble, catching Ketlor off guard. However, it appears that Skelos' cloak was removed when he escaped from the rubble, and for the first time the party sees what he really looks like...

It is only a glimpse of a vaguely human shape, before his eyes begin glowing red. His hair grows out, all over his arms, neck and legs. His face stretches into a snout and his claws lengthen...

Everybody roll a spot check.

You all see the full moon above the giant hole in the ceiling.

>> No.8488651



>> No.8488673


>> No.8488680


>> No.8488682

The awesome has shattered my monitor.

My face is being melted by the blistering hot amazingness of it all.

I don't know how I am still typing this, but this is totally fucking awesom.

>> No.8488683

Is somebody archiving this? This'd better go on sup/tg/ so I can read it again at my leisure!

>> No.8488684


>> No.8488699


>> No.8488712




>> No.8488751

Fucking hell, you'd best finish this in the next half-hour so I can get to my class.

I need to know what happens!

>> No.8488754

Skelos CHARGES Ketlor with a flurry of attacks, Ketlor manages to parry one with his hammer. The party then springs into action, with Joseph taking first action. He throws three arrows at Ketlor, two of which hit, but do little damage (DR 10/Adamantine MOTHERFUCKERS).
The next turn is Al'Sham's, who summons ghost images to attack Ketlor, and gets about six onto the field.
Immediately after his turn though, he notices that four of the ghost images suddenly PIFF INTO NOTHINGNESS

(roll a spot check)

You see what appear to be two mages standing above you, overlooking the battle from the hole in the ceiling.

Al'Sham curses, and the turn goes to the halfling, who makes a throwing dagger attack against one of the mages and hits, then moves next to Ketlor, flanking him with Skelos.

Saburo moves into action, and attempts to attack the hammer that Ketlor is wielding. He strikes it with his Katana...

And blue lightning arcs all over both weapons; the energy of the discharge knocks Saburo back thirty feet. It appears as though that hit has made Ketlor's hammer unstable!

>> No.8488756

...You've been going for four hours. I should've gone to sleep five hours ago.

....God dammit.

>> No.8488761


Ketlor then full-rounds Skelos, hitting him for massive damage. A second dispel magic clears the rest of Al'Sham's images

Then to skelos, who attacks Ketlor with savage fury, screaming gutteral howls that sound barely like he's trying to choke out some words.

Now to Joseph, who decides that the mages on the roof need to die, readies his ONE BIG ARROW. THIS IS THE BIG ONE... THE SAVE OR DIE.

It's the fucking Lance of Longinus. He knocks that shit like he's fucking named for it, and he blows a hole through one of the roof mages right where his head used to be. He takes his second attack, and this time it's a fire arrow, and ignites the second motherfucker in a fireball. He readies an Adamantine arrow and throws it at Ketlor, dealing a shit ton of damage with his third attack.

Al'Sham casts Power Word: Pain at the remaining Mage, and begins doing some other shit that I don't remember, but it's awesome.

Then the remaining mage jumps off the roof and attempts to cast a scroll of color spray. He is fucking awful at it and the save DC is very low. He dies like a dog in the street.

>> No.8488764

rolled 5 = 5

inb4 nuclear fallout

>> No.8488790



Off-Topic: due to brainfart, i cant remember where the dean character is from. HALP.

>> No.8488795

You are not alone, good sir.

>> No.8488798

Iron Giant

>> No.8488805

....Fuck. I literally can't take it any more.

With any luck it'll still be here when I wake up. Good night, /tg/.

>> No.8488830


Now, the turn is to the halfling.

The planets. Fucking. Align.

He rolls three attacks.


I'm going to equate this to STOPPING TIME. Taking one of those old-style can-openers, CUTTING OPEN KETLOR'S ADAMANTINE ARMOR, finding his kidney, AND FUCKING REMOVING IT.

The halfing does EIGHTY FIVE DAMAGE IN FOUR ATTACKS. This is reduced by forty due to Ketlor's DR, but STILL the halfling just fucking dealt Ketlor a third of his health.

Now... the turn is to Saburo, who decides that he should just attack Ketlor, and he does. He moves back to attack, gets one attack, and expends all of his power points and bullshit, dealing about thirty damage to Ketlor.

Skelos howls and full rounds, but misses with all attacks! Ketlor shouts "WEAKLINGS!" and whirlwind attacks Saburo, Skelos, and the halfling with his unstable hammer, which explodes in arcing lightning that blows all three of them back twenty feet.

Skelos has been bearing the brunt of this man's attack, and looks quite hurt as he gets slammed into a pile of rubble. However, Saburo and the halfling land on their feet. The last Adamantine Arrow from Joseph finds it's mark, but he misses with his other two

And Al'Sham casts Haste on the Party

The Halfing runs up to Ketlor, striking him for a minimal amount of damage.

And the turn is to Saburo...

Saburo regains his Psionic Focus, and expends some power points.

Saburo runs forward in the most glorious final attack charge ever... and slashes right through the General's chest...

"And thus ends...

Saburo hesitates. Tension is fucking STRUNG in the room right now...

*Saburo sheathes his sword*

"...A tyrant."

>> No.8488844



>> No.8488854



>> No.8488858



>> No.8488861

So I died during this thread from too much awesome, then I came back from the dead just to hear the end of the story. God damn.

>> No.8488864

>The planets. Fucking. Align.

i came. buckets.

this is what makes /tg/ so damn awesome!


>> No.8488872


>> No.8488877

Lolwut. So CE halfling saved the world.

Goddammit Belkar.

>> No.8488884


>> No.8488888


That girl they kidnapped is just hanging out in a warehouse somewhere?

>> No.8488892

What an unfortunate occurrence for the brain. I mean. The chap. Yes.

>> No.8488894

i swear, i could hear the sound track to TTGL start when i read that "The planets. Fucking. Align."

truly, you have pierced the heavens with your awesome

>> No.8488895

My favourite part was when the General Kool-Aid Manned through the ceiling.

>> No.8488905

what can we say save Epic

>> No.8488910

There is only one response to this story:


>> No.8488913

Come on wrap it up with epic epilogue

>> No.8488921

Huh. That's right... did Capt. Thargus even survive to pay the ransom?

>> No.8488925

Don 'the Murph' has a new bitch.

>> No.8488939




>> No.8488944

...no words.

>> No.8488946


Now, as the party comes to term with their victory, they notice Skelos stand up from the rubble...

He gasps gutteral sounds at the party, he manages to work out one word...


It dawns on the party that Skelos has been desperately fighting the insanity of a full werewolf transformation, and can no longer restrain himself from attacking them...

However, Joseph Knock is not going to sacrifice his leader for victory. He readies a sleep arrow, and pierces Skelos with it... and Skelos falls to the ground.

Suddenly, Saburo acts without hesitation, and without mercy.

He brandishes his Katana and brings it down on Skelos' vulnerable body, slaying their leader.

Joseph Knock is shattered by this action, while the rest of the party views it as a tragic outcome, and Al'Sham sees this as a good opportunity to seize Skelos' anti-transformation cloak of pure darkness.

"WHY, SABURO!" Knock shouts...

"The man known as Skelos Lykestoud died the moment he became a lycanthrope. We honor his memory by ending his torment," Saburo calmly exlaims... barely able to restrain a more sadistic side which is rapidly emerging...

Such is the price of wielding a demon blade forged by Muramasa.

As Joseph Struggles with his inner conflict about everything he believed in suddenly being shattered, a voice is heard from the roof...

"Good Sirs, I trust that you have achieved your objective?"

>> No.8488968

inb4 final twieeeeest.

>> No.8488972


>> No.8488974

Saburo is a dick

>> No.8488980

Ehhh, the entire team has been dicks the whole time, does this surprise you?

>> No.8488982


A rope lowers from the hole in the ceiling... and upon ascending it, the party comes face to face with a man they recognize as the Butler of Lord Astor (FROM THIS SHIT WAYBACK >>8486758 I know I didn't explain it too well... it got cut out and I didn't have time to correct it :( )

Except this time he's fucking decked out in end-of-the-world combat gear. He's like Sam Fisher in a can.

The party is shocked to see him. He has dispatched all of the guards on the roof in a neat fashion, and they appear to be knocked out cold. From the roof of the castle, the party can see that the city burns in the distance. To Joseph Knock, this is the end of his world... he set out to change the world, and fears that he has only hastened its ruin.

The Butler begins to congratulate the party. Thanks to your efforts, the way to the throne is clear for my master, Lord Astor to claim sovereignty over this city. As payment and reward for your excellent civic duty, a ship is waiting at the southern docks, laden with gold. The ship is yours, and you can do with it as you like. We only ask that you allows us time to rebuild, but I do hope you stay in contact.

Lord Astor will have need of men such as you in the future. Of that I am certain.

>> No.8488996

Xanatos Gambit Time!

>> No.8488999

It's over. Roleplaying is finished. This is the zenith. Everyone should stop playing now.

>> No.8489011

Boat is trap. I see it from a mile away like a giant fucking pink dinosaur of a plot twist.

>> No.8489012

If you take off their hats, they'll die.

>> No.8489013


what the

i think my heart just imploded

>> No.8489015

This can't end well for Joseph. Poor fellow went soft. Mercenaries always die like that.

>> No.8489018


Gentlemen, I thank you all for your kind words and attention. I just wanted to share with you one of the greatest gaming experiences of which I have had the privilege of partaking in. To the group that made this shit epic, to all of you avid listeners, I bid you some well deserved rest.

>> No.8489025

It's not, they're off to have adventures somewhere else next time we get together. Why would I suckerpunch god-tier characters such as these?

>> No.8489027

That's it?
It was good.
I just wish it could go on forever.

>> No.8489034


Goodnight, and god speed you fancy bastard!

>> No.8489038

No, thank you for your awesome tale of epicness.

We are all in debt to you and shall strive to attain similar levels of awesomeness to repay you with our stories!

>> No.8489048

By the way... I do have one final plot twist.

>> No.8489050

Saburo reeks of weeaboo

>> No.8489053


>> No.8489060



>> No.8489062

As one of the players in this epic game (Saburo here), I have to attest one thing: there was hardly a moment of this game where we were all sober. That is all. I've been here the whole time, and none of this was fabricated. I need to get some sleep now too, so good night, gentlemen.

>> No.8489067

this was it ---> >>8489053

>> No.8489068


oh okay

>> No.8489075


Yeah not gonna lie we were pretty goddamn trashed for five days straight.

>> No.8489078

What tipped you off?

>> No.8489081


You know when this thread started, I'm not gonna lie, I thought you were a little douchebag.

I think your story proves that even if that campaign never happened and you made it up on the spot, you have enough ability as a storyteller to give you a pass for fucking up this other guy's bad game. I wish you good luck, sir!

>> No.8489101

You do realize... it is now your responsibility to bring this group back together to forge even more epic tales for /tg/... it just... has to be done.

>> No.8489103

If 4chan would let me post this a thousand times in one thread, it would not be enough to describe what you have shared with us this day.

I thank you for this epic tale you have regaled us with. Be sure to let your group know what praise their adventure has been received with, and ESPECIALLY be sure to come and tell us of their next epic journeys.

>> No.8489105

fucking upvote this shit. It's "Tyrone the Monk" http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html

but it SHOULD be called the best fucking campaign ever

>> No.8489106


>> No.8489115


wait, so you are also v


^ If this is true, between this and the rap battles I think I love you.

>> No.8489120

We've got to petition whoever the fuck runs the archive. The description at the very least needs to be amended to call attention to the most epic campaign ever.

>> No.8489126



>> No.8489156

...Words cannot describe.

>> No.8489160



>> No.8489256

Really excellent campaign. Even if it did seem to weaken a little towards the end, I attribute that to the description in this thread rather than any gameplay.

>> No.8489296


I think it might be an understatement to say "You had to be there."

>> No.8489333

The fact you are S&B was a total mindfuck too. Why don't you bring back the rap battle threads? They were a pretty good read.

>> No.8489397


That shit takes so much work, and I hardly have the time anymore. It's not like that wasn't the most fun thing ever, but I'm actually busy now :(

I skipped on some homework and a full night's sleep to write this... I wish I could do this all the time but I can't. Some of those rap threads went on for DAYS. Real life happens, you know?

>> No.8489408


And DJ Phylactery needs to be there too... it's not a rap thread without him.

>> No.8489459


>> No.8489534

posting in an EPIC thread

>> No.8489536

Skip going to troll the other faggots then. Don't waste your time there.

>> No.8489551


I... I think I love you.

>> No.8489564

Saburo here again. I recorded two of the sessions using my computer's mic, and I decided to transcribe my epic speech to the mob. Here it is, largely unedited. S is Saburo, M is Murph.

Derp, since I don't feel like splitting this up into like 4 posts, here's a link;

I'm still amazed I was able to come up with that, on the spot, drunk.

>> No.8489626


Oh well.

>> No.8489632

This thread has afflicted me with a serious case of e-micropenis. The last cool thing I remember doing in a game was jumping over a wall of force to jumping stab the spellcaster to death.

>> No.8489640

hey now, nobody said it was over.

Holy fuck dude it's even more awesome the second time around.

>> No.8489654


>> No.8489658







>> No.8489667

That was a good speech.
I felt a bit inspired for a fictional cause.

>> No.8489678

I have to reevaluate my life now
holy shit, I just don't know how to describe what I'm feeling after reading this

>> No.8489687

I vaguely remember thinking "gonna write an obama style speech about how the Yakuza aren't complete motherfuckers, it'll probably work."

>> No.8489688

Throw that audio up on the net man.
I would like to hear it.

>> No.8489692

What was it like to play in this game? Assuming you're not OP samefagging... some people live their entire lives without doing something this epic.

>> No.8489715

>an obama style speech

So, what? You refer to yourself roughly a million times, stumble along, make poor analogies and then get butthurt when whoever you were speaking to isn't persuaded by your shitty speech?

>> No.8489720

Remember, that Pathfinder is not special

Say it with me, Pathfinder is not special

They most purposely did not fix anything, or really change anything besides giving small children candy at dead levels, and hoping that counts as 'vastly improving the system'

So if you want to win at pathfinder, do the same damn things you do in 3.5

Play a Wizard, Druid, or Cleric.

even a Wizard, Druid, or Cleric putting up with their shitty changes to minor shit or even just trying to 'be a good wizard/druid/cleric' as apposed to 'winning the fucking game' will still break the fucking system past level 3 or so. Add in spell compendium for extra cheese, and as a distraction.

People will bitch about the spell compendium, not being willing to admit that the core system is the problem. If people bitch about thecompendium, make a big deal of putting it away at great cost in power to your character, and then continue to rape the game.

What advice do you need for casters? DONT FUCK WITH YOUR SPELL PROGRESSION.

That means no Dual casters, No Prc that dont contain full casting, and basically no multiclassing.

Things to do to win as a Wizard, Druid , Cleric

Remember vigor spells, and wands. 11hps a jab and 50 jobs for 750? sounds like win to me, and lets you spend your spell slots on more useful things.

Remember that although many save or die spells have been nerfed to/with damage caps, lots of save or suck spells, remain more or less unhinderd. Sucking is worst than dying.

(the nerfs aren't even really that bad, but avoid direct damage (ie) in favour of making the oponent suck, potential exception, disintegrate, because it has utility (making things and volumes of mass disappear) and a shit ton of damage.)

For more information, try http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=104002 (yeah its giantshit, but hey you play giantshit edition still so expect it).


>> No.8489724


>> No.8489737

Oh God maybe tomorrow. My upload speed cannot handle 10+ hours of MP3.

It was basically everything I'd wanted every other D&D session to be like. And it was awesome. We literally spend five days doing nothing but drinking and D&D.

>> No.8489742


Nobody cares, as far as I'm concerned that part of this thread does not exist.

>> No.8489752


>> No.8489787

Sure they didn't kiddo.

Too bad the changes they made to those spells in pathfinder turned them into dirt cheap tricks, and a fighter at 10th level has a 50% chance of pinpointing your location while invisible and flying, a rogue can cut right through the most powerful defensive buffs int he world and remove all your spells at once with a single sneak attack, and barbarians outfight druids+pets while essentially ignoring any spell attack and saving throw and attack roll aimed at them....

Yeah. You keep dreaming, kiddo.

P.S. Monks are better at save or dies than full casters.

>> No.8489789

I still want to hear what happens to Tyrone and the fighter :(

>> No.8489810

I agree, post the finale when you play it.
It may be terrible, but I'm intrigued as to how badly your DM can screw this up.

>> No.8489950

All I have to say is that your ignorance is only limited by your inability to read.

>> No.8490215

... this was the greatest thing in the universe... one day I hope that my setting will bring forth advantures one billionth as epic as this fucking... PINNACLE of D&D.

How the fuck do I submit this to be archived somewhere? This thread must never be lost to the ravages of time.

>> No.8490236

Thread is already archived on Suptg.

>> No.8490254

Archived at Suptg.

>> No.8490266


>> No.8490894

I have never seen anything as glorious as to what I just read. I wish that some day I will be able to witness such glory.

pic related, It describes this thread in my opinion.

>> No.8490983

This campaign literally has everything.

Party unification and teamwork
DM not being an ass
Players not being asses
Gripping story
Awesome action

and GOOD END with possibility for more.

Its... its perfect :)

>> No.8491015

I second the sticky request. This is one of the best threads I've ever seen on /tg/. It needs to be read by everyone. You need to DM and Wasteland Warrior needs to play in your games.

>> No.8491957

Back to the front page you go!

>> No.8492017

Request for Dean Reaction Image collection.

>> No.8492409

never leave the front page ;_;

>> No.8492439

I don't think this thread is real. I will pretend it's fake until it goes away.

>> No.8492509

something of this magnitude can never be replicated in any way. bearing that in mind is there anything that can rival the awesomeness of this thread?

>> No.8493075

>> No.8493301

>> No.8493327

Remember, there's always someone cleverer than yourself.

>> No.8493347

I read this thread five times today. Yep it's still fuckwin.

>> No.8493603

i honestly find nothing epic about this. i do this kinda roleplayign every sesh i am a pc.

>> No.8493682

is this archived? can i finally leave this beautiful paradise

>> No.8493794

I am so glad this was here when I woke up.


>> No.8493945

Then where's your fuckwin thread filled with awesome? Sit down, boy. Men are talking.

>> No.8494537

I know I'm a bit late, but holy shit STORYTIEM, I want to run with you and your guys. This is some god-tier shit, and I am green with envy right now.

>> No.8494598

I'm going to keep this thread alive until we get a drawfag. FRONT PAGE.

>> No.8494828

This is truly a god-tier gaming group. Nobody in this campaign was left out in any way: from the halfling throwing watermelon bombs to disabling the water mains; the iaidoka that recruited the mafia; the beguiler that juggled two identities and outsmarted the military; and the ranger that brought the skills necessary to make all this crazy shit work.

I'm in awe, most of my games end up with one or two people dragging their asses and one person dominating the gameplay, or the DM railroading the party into bullshit. Everyone was fucking epic in this story.

>> No.8494889

Holy shit, there's still image space left on this thread? Well, here we go then. We made "What I made" pics for our characters. Here's Joseph Knock.

>> No.8494896

Here's what Al'Sham Wyles made for himself, but...

>> No.8494909

STORYTIEM our DM said "Fuck that" and made him a new one.

>> No.8494921

This is the one I made for Saburo.

>> No.8494940

And last, but certainly not least, here is "He who ends lives"

>> No.8495004

Thank god I wasn't the only one thinking Goemon.

>> No.8495007


>How the campaign ended

Oh god, that's way too appropriate

>> No.8495077

has this reached the reply limit yet?

>> No.8495099

This thread is full of broken rules.

>>he has enough strength for a three-attack full round

>>1st human bonus: Vital Strike (Doubles your damage dice on a single attack.)

Man I wish you knew how to actually play D&D because that'd make the rules lawyer in me stop crying

>> No.8495101

Guess so. Now it's autosaging :(

Oh well, at least it's archived. I'm going to fucking link this every few days. People need to SEE this.

>> No.8495129


That's pathfinder bro, not dnd.

>> No.8495151



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