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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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38593237 No.38593237 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

Hello anons. I haven't been around for a bit and for that I must apologise. I must have drunk too much tea today as right now I can't sleep and I reckon I've got a good hour or two of posting in me.

So we continue where we left off following the usual copy pasta for the new friends.

>> No.38593385
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Pic related is the first time /tg/ got me to storytime this. If you're new, you don't have to start there, but it will help. Through the efforts of one or two anons we also have an archive on 1d4chan which contains edited excerpts of Britbongsteros. Here is the link:


If you're here for the first time, you don't have to read all that in a sitting and especially not to follow the current tale.

Now for the usual explanations:
>Wut is Britbongsteros?
Britbongsteros is a setting my group made up and played in about four or five years back. The world is geographically the same and mixed with mythology and a healthy dose of pure fantasy.

>the party
Throughout our adventures there were always at least five of us, and usually six. These are:

An orc from Dundee. Originally a greengrocer but also horrendously proficient with the flamethrower he carries. The flamethrower doubles as a thermic lance.

>the bard.
A human, wears a kilt, plays the bagpipes. Occasionally has great ideas. The DM uses his own taste in music for what the bard actually plays (so usually classic rock or country & western)

Essentially a Dark Eldar wych wearing more clothes. She is vicious and stealthy. Armed with two daggers and a sword that she talks to. Played by my then (and now again) GF. The latter fact occasionally becomes relevant which is why I mention it.

>The wizard
Not actually magic but can command metal (iron) and summon various sharp or pointy things. Including chainsaws.

>The Navvie (also called Burt)
A very large human with a hammer. He hits things with it. Has recently started to glow like a Union Jack when stuff happens. We don't know why at this stage.

Me. A dwarven knight. Wears full plate. Carries twin revolvers and a gatling shotgun. Smokes a pipe.

>the purple penguin.
a stuffed toy, moral compass of the group and suspected DM PC.

>> No.38593455
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In our adventures we have:
Defeated the necromancers of Scotland
Helped the Queen remain in power
Sunk the German battleship the Brunmiggi
Assainated above queen
fought and annhilated French clownleechspidersnake things in the catacombs of Paris and in London
We have brought peace to the Beastmen of Wales and rescued the current king.
We destroyed a gate in Ireland through which Elder things were coming through.
Been to the North Pole, met some Martians. Killed them.
Watched a man cure a sheep related STD by setting his crotch on fire and dunking it in a cask of beer.
killed a lot of people on Gibraltar
Sailed to Egypt to (current adventure) attempt to steal technology and possibly bring about regime change.

Each of the above represents a different episode in our serial and corresponds to a different story. We are already a bit into this one so I'll recap.

>> No.38593578
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>What is going on currently?

We are in Egypt. We near Cairo, and much nearer the pyramids.

We are in Egypt because we want to steal some technology. The technology is in Saudi.

Egypt is a weird and dangerous place, the old gods have been enslaved by the caliphate and we have already fought one.

We are in the middle of three sides. We represent British interests in the area but we can help those who would rather the old gods were free, we can help the caliphate who will kill the old gods and weaken themselves in the process, and lastly we have Orrance who wants us to.... Well seeing as we are about to meet him. We will let the tale pick up from there...

>> No.38593697

The scene: desert. Outside of Cairo, Orrance who we have waited for most of the day for returns from out of the desert. We don't know where he has been or what he has been doing but he is as pleased as last time he met us to see us again.
"What on earth do you lot want? I thought I told you all to bugger off last time."

>> No.38593766

Oh great, this self-centered lul randum ^_^ asshole again...

>> No.38593843

no one actually seems to have thought about what we were going to say, or how we were going to convince him other than to tell us to get lost. We would rather avoid that and so the Navvie decides to have a go at convincing him

>> No.38593863

You know for the free bumps you give these it's actually very useful. If you wanted to stop these, you could just stop replying. Also I thought we got rid of you last time.

>> No.38594015

Shame on you for trying to smear your shit on Opus, OP. He's from a good comic, he doesn't deserve to be in a thread this awful.

>> No.38594081

Britbongsteros is back, YAY. i just wished the rest of the dudes were here to see the birth of some more epic tales...

>> No.38594248

what is actually wrong with you?

>> No.38594365

Nodded off for a second.


The Navvie speaks. He isn't the most social of characters but he is sincere. That is actually quite useful.

"If you want us to help, show us why we should? There is the political situation here, which you are obviously involved in. somehow and the situation in Arabia. Why should we help you and why should we go to the effort of trying to without knowing why?"

>> No.38596320


>> No.38596771


>> No.38597460

It's extremely mildly edited.

Some parts wouldn't make sense since the pics aren't included.

I just found the thread less than a minute ago.

>> No.38597596

Either I'm more tired than I thought, or you might want to run what the Navvie said by us again.

>> No.38598454


I'm not even going to lie, I saw Opus and decided to check this out...

>> No.38599707

Let's see if this thread makes it through the night.

>> No.38602218

Get off page ten!

>> No.38602973

bump for lunch. Also, YAY!!

>> No.38604167


>> No.38605697

What he is saying here is (given that last time we saw this guy he told us to get lost) we get that he shouldn't like us, but if he takes the time to answer our questions, we might be able to help and if not, he's no worse off.

>> No.38605788

Orrance mulls this over and decides this actually makes a fair amount of sense. He might have gone native but he is still British and a servant of the crown.

>> No.38605842

"Alright. Come to my tent, we can discuss there."

So under the high moon, pyramids casting long angular shadows on silver sand, we join him

>> No.38607502

Bump for Arabian nIIIIIIIIIghts.

Or knights, as the case may be

>> No.38608621

I'm pleasantly surprised this thread is still up.

>> No.38610988


>> No.38612217

we know Orrance is pro Arab, and the Arabs are big fans of the old gods as far as we know. Therefore the (OOC) decision is made not to bring up Excalibur with him. The issue is, that we had that discussion in front of the DM.

So when we sit down, who is serving tea? It's little Ali, the monkey summoning bastard from earlier.

>fuck you DM

Ali whispers to Orrance.

"So I hear you have Excalibur with you..."

>> No.38612365

I was kind of hoping that little shit got crushed by king kong's dong when he landed.

>> No.38612373

Well then, we might as well own up. Yes. Yes we do.

Cruella looks ready to decapitate anyone who tries to take it off her, Orrance just sits and smiles.

"You know just how much the Caliphate would want that? They'd rather the old gods were dead than serving as essentially unkillable symbols to those who might resist them. If I were you, I would keep it out of their hands. However, if you have brought that thing with you, you might as well do me a favour and I might do one for you. Tell me what you want first..."

>We explain the following:
1. We have nothing against the Arabs. (Not entirely true we want to steal their shit)
2. Britain wants a weak caliphate but also access to the oil. (We do not mention we want to steal the process of extracting it, whatever it is, just learn where it comes from)
3. The French support the Caliphate in wanting the old gods dead.

>conclusion it looks like we want to work with Ismail and co, or at least weaken the caliphate, either through stealing stuff, helping the Arabs and old Gods, or both.

>> No.38612515

Sadly no.

>What does Orrance want?
It appears the Caliphate have found something under one of the pyramids. Something they believe could sap the magic from the old gods and the world itself. Somehow that sounds really familiar.

Orrance knows we solve problems and are very good at covert(ish) ops.

Therefore whatever it is, he wants it wrecked.

also because I haven't posted any music yet, have my favourite maiden song Iron Maiden - The Clansman: http://youtu.be/UwLtyvGdNbc

>> No.38612567

Orrance has a plan, he and some picked men will create a distraction opposite the pyramid, meanwhile the rest of us, (disguised as locals as best we can) just trot down into the dig site and wreck shut. Simple. Possibly.

>> No.38612728

I'm expecting the Mummy's Curse to somehow get involved, but this campaign seems to favor curve balls.

>> No.38612794

So, borrowing some native outfits (thaubs) and camels (Angus is given one that looks really, really familiar, it has some spots on the hump) we set off into the night, given the possibility we might murder Ali we are pleased to meet our new guide, who doesn't really do much other than point our way.

We wait behind some dunes. We most of us do. Angus and the camel seem to have made friends and are sharing belts from his hip flask.

We wait.

Now you all know what a sphinx is I assume. A djinn in britbongsteros looks like a genie. Male or female, and magical in some way.

We are very impressed to see the sphinx in the distance. Things get more exciting as a fireball shoots over the things head, the sphinx replies violently, as do the other djinn, there is a sheet of lightning, it starts to rain amphibians and generally things are very pyrotechnic.

The DM hints (via guide - who will remain with the camels) that this might be our distraction...

>> No.38612934

While the apocalyptic (pretend) battle thunders in the distance, we enter the dig site. There don't seem to be any people around the entrance, but there is the usual fare of torches on pillars, scarabs carved on things.

In one room we pass through what looks like a very large stone block has landed on a huge quantity of jam which has dried into the floor.

We consider this.

We suddenly realise this is a trap which has been triggered and is what happens if you drop a big stone block on a lot of people.

We reason we are unlikely to walk into anything that hasn't already been triggered, but it is a weird feeling walking through another parties dungeon if you see what I mean.

>> No.38613101

It's only I think about that last post, do I realise we actually saw a "rocks fall and everyone dies" and survived.

There are some other signs of old violence. None of it essentially creepy, just interesting. Missing statues surround ed by bullet holes in walls (as though they had come to life and been shot at) a very large pit, crossed by what seems to be an invisible bridge (actually a very smart optical illusion) but now it has warning signs, a rope, and someone has helpfully covered the bridge with sand.

>> No.38613139

Sounds like they have plans to make the dungeon in to a tourist trap.

>> No.38613145

It sort of...Well just wait and see anon

>> No.38613243

If that was an intentional pun I either want to hug or shoot you. Maybe both. Top marks anon.

The feeling of someone else's dungeon intensifies as we descend lower. We can no longer hear the fight above us, but we can definitely hear one in front of us.

There is gunfire and something heavier, a rhythmic heavy thudding, which is building to a pulsing. We get closer. Readying ourselves. We reckon whatever it is, it is around the next corner. Thats when we hear it. That fateful fucking sound.

>accordion music

>> No.38613618

I'm sorry anon I must be sleeping soon. More tomorrow if this is still around

>> No.38613835

You bastard.

Bah, it's only midnight here in bongland as well

>> No.38614103

I think we've gotten pretty adequate are making threads not die.

So, who thinks the mummy's are in with the aliens?
The ancient kings could've been around when they first showed up,

>> No.38617373


>> No.38620695

Page 10, we meet again.

>> No.38622650

Giving it the best chance I can for it to still be up for tomorrow.

>> No.38624320


I'm also looking forward to you talking Chaucer.

>> No.38626034

Bump for lunch. Again.

>> No.38627457

Thank you anons. I'll try and finish britbongsteros before I move on to the academic stuff.

These really so fly off the board quickly when I'm not posting. I should really think of something for you all to chat about when I'm not around. No idea what. Any suggestions?

>> No.38628073

How's the spice trade in Britbongsteros?

The species full of mind altering magic, body enhancement magic, or are spices still just spices?

>> No.38628494


>> No.38629130

>>accordion music

Holy Motorized Bump!


>> No.38629291

Greetings anons (I love how that autocorrects to "snobs). I am leaving the office at what is almost a reasonable time today so to compensate for what is likely to be an almost total lack of me tomorrow I will be storytiming as much as I can tonight.
>Spice trade
as far as I know pepper is pepper and saffron is saffron. There are however a lot more mythological ingredients on the go. Phoenix tears and other alchemical weirdness. So logically the spice trade may encompass this as well. There is probably a whole adventure seed right there for a party.

>> No.38629335
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While I was replying with thanks. I also suddenly wish we had properly visited eastern Europe and Russia. If I get the gang back together (most of whom will *REDACTED* because *REDACTED*) I would love to visit the area.

>> No.38629483

What is round the corner?

The room is large. As big as Westminster Abbey, seven great pillars within, some standing, some not. The firefight is intense as from the opposite side of the room flow a quantity of shadowy creatures we can't quite make out. They're too big to be human, on one side of the room are a large number of caliphate troops with some very recognisably German uniforms amongst them. In the centre of the room sits a weird looking eldritch device, with a great big toe sitting in the middle of a actinic blue field. (It's babi's toe for the anon who asked several threads ago what happened to it) on the other side of the device are a group of six recognisably French adventurers, including one playing the accordion. It seems like the French interrupted the Germans while whatever the fuck the other things are have crashed the party.

>> No.38629539

While I'm here, the politics in this campaign got fairly complex, are all anons happy I've explained what is going on and why? I am not the best narrator and want to make sure.

>> No.38629652

>What would Purple Penguin do?

The shadowy things seem to be slaughtering the Caliphate troops with what look like glowing swords and ...whips? We can't really tell. They are advancing on the French too. The accordion playing stops as the French bard is split in two from forehead to groin.

The purple penguin doesn't like death but it also hates accordion music. However we join in on the side of humanity. Something tells us what ever the other things are, they are probably not nuns.

A new music replaces the accordion.
Iron Maiden- The Trooper (HD with Lyrics): https://youtu.be/nMyMS-p9YW0

>> No.38629714

I should really describe the rest of the French Party

Joan D'arc is easy enough.
The short angry dwarf woman with a rotary flail.
A nun who seems to be able to levitate things.
A kobold with an ice gun,
A navvie type who is a big lumberjack with an axe,
The now deceased stripey jumpered accordion playing bereted bard.

>> No.38629813

As far as I've read, every major power in Europe wants the oil in this region and they've all picked their favorites to back and prod into fighting with the other local powers.

>> No.38630032

bump for the queen and the facist reqime

>> No.38630039

Anon is correct

>> No.38630121

So if that's the basic gist of what's going on politically here, I'd say you explained it well enough.

The German objective here is the real mystery here, but I'm sure you'll get to that sooner rather than later in this part of the story.
I already picked up on them being of the same stock as those on the Brunmiggi.

>> No.38630151

By the time we start to engage, moving directly between the two parties (Germans and French) we are starting to see the critters a bit more clearly. They sure don't look human. Six limbs, big ridged heads with crests like a triceratops, if you squint a bit they...aliens. Bastard sodding aliens. A different type to our friends at the North Pole but similar enough in the same way you can tell a gorilla and a chimp are cousins.

We note as we move to the centre of the room there are big thick iron clad pipes running from the machine with the toe through to where the aliens are coming from.

>> No.38630178

The Germans are here as 1.go to bad guys (I am really really sorry Germanons) and 2. Because they are as keen to get into bed with the caliphate and obtain oil as we are to steal the process.

>> No.38630273

We don't concentrate on the "why?" At this stage. More the fuckingkillthemall!

Like the ones we met earlier we discover they respond well to being shot, stabbed and various other things. The Germans are falling and the French are losing ground, the one with the axe dissapearing into a pile of aliens, we haven't seen the nun in a bit either.

>> No.38630416

i am the very model of a modern major bump

>> No.38630441

I'm gonna guess they're waking up from cryostasis rather than coming from a portal device.

>> No.38631774


>> No.38633138

Doing this again.

>> No.38635634

The fight with the aliens is intense. The the French are not left with many of their original party, and there's scant few Germans left. The six of us are relatively unharmed barring some minor injuries (suck it we are PCs!) We look out on the still crackling pile of bodies and then back at the toe. Someone has some explaining to do.

>> No.38635748

We try to tend to the wounds of those still alive. There are not many. Joan is one of them. We ask her "what were you doing here?"

"We tried to stop them, they used the toe to open..." She falls unconscious. The kobold follows on for her.

"There is something down here that could alter the balance of power in the world, we came to try to take it, or at least destroy what was down here."

"and we," the leader of the Germans, a huge man of a bear, or bear of a man, take your pick he's half and half, "had things entirely under control."

>> No.38635822

He continues "we knew you had accessed something similar at the north pole" (again I'm not even going to try a German accent) "and with the consent of the Caliphate we sought to open what was here. We have done so. We will claim what lies within."

He has been looking around the room, and is starting to realise we may not outnumber him, we could definitely stop him doing anything we didn't want.

Obviously we need to stop whatever is down that hallway or who knows what will spill out.

We can't really leave the Germans alive with the French, there aren't enough of the latter to subdue the former. We could just kill them. Which the purple penguin would not approve of. We could also try to take them with us...

>> No.38635830

Saying things are under control when you literally just opened up a can of condensed hell is a good way to guarantee you die next.

>> No.38635876

The caliphate troops are seemingly easily cowed, and we think we are safe to leave them behind. The four surviving Germans we decide are large enough a threat to be worth taking along.

We ask (regarding the toe) "can we shut that thing off?"
The wizard looks it over, while we are told "not safely" and the wizard seems to agree with this.

We split up, a line of three of us, them in the middle and three behind.

>> No.38635968

And we proceed down the tunnel. We don't get far, (I should add that the doorway was what the foot seemed to be connected to, what is further on hasn't been investigated yet) before we come to what look like sarcophagi. Lots of them. Investigation reveals...That they are. The mummies within don't seem very inclined to try and eat us, but it does give us a moment to take stock.

>What do we know about these aliens?
They seem markedly different to the ones we fought. They don't seem to exhibit any of the mind bullets or other weirdness. They just straight up murderise people. From what we remember (those of us who were under alien influence and from the recording) there were two warring species on mars. The north (pole) ones and the others. These ones.

We got the impression the North Martians (as I'm going to call them) had been losing when they sent the ship that we found. We don't know if they were still losing now. Either way. Martians are dicks.

>> No.38636018

One other thing we realise, if there is a ship down here then it's been here a very long time too. We creep forward, half expecting to be rushed any second. Instead things seem very quiet. If we didn't know better this tomb might have been undisturbed for thousands of years.

>> No.38636057

This feels more than a little strange, nothing has gone "ULLA" nothing is floating. We do not trust this.

They aren't invisible, they aren't psychic, they were definitely here...

>> No.38636129

It's about then that one of the bears explodes.

Well he doesn't so much explode as...change... Into one of the aliens. His body shifting, bones cracking, skin splitting, a green glow emanating from his hand as the beginnings of an energy sword starts to form.

We don't wait for him to finish. We obliterate him.

>What the hell is going on?

>> No.38636201

The largest of the bears pokes the remains with his boot. "Poor Hans. I thought this might happen."

You what?

"The device down here is said to turn men into beings of power, we thought it meant the ability you discovered at the pole, to destroy or nullify magic. Clearly the translation was more literal than that. We opened the door and sent 40 natives in to search for traps. We are not nimble creatures as you can see. Shortly afterwards we were attacked from both sides... If this device can change men, then either it does so as an infection or the closer we get, the more dangerous it becomes..."

>> No.38636219

Hmm... so psychic rape aliens vs. body snatchers?

>> No.38636258

He finishes "I would advise you watch your comrades closely"

We all, each and every one of us have been scratched, cut, or have some form of open wound, we all are getting closer to whatever the thing is. Hans wasn't the most wounded, nor was he closest. He seemed fine until exploding.

>> No.38636322

we realise that the forty odd aliens we fought, were the forty odd natives. We start to wonder, was it one cut finger? Someone must have powered the thing up...or...flipped it on somehow. We establish that the bears (I felt a bit bad calling them Germans) have no idea what we are looking for. So in the light of the torches we push on, past sarcophagus after sarcophagus.

>> No.38636346

Yup. Choose your poison.

>> No.38636369

Something new happens, we come to the first open sarcophagus. We examine it. It looks to have been broken open from within. Shiiiiiiiiiit

>> No.38636461

From up ahead there is a thump. Then another. We take cover. The sarcophagus falls open. And seemingly oblivious the mummy within begins to walk in the direction we are heading. Deeper into the tomb. Another breaks out next to the wizard and walks straight past him. It walks around Angus when he experimentally interposes himself in its path.

>> No.38636497

We decide to follow them, there is a faint red glow ahead now and there are a number of mummies shambling ahead and behind us. The wizard senses no magic.

>> No.38636597

Dead to the world, huh?

>> No.38636662

The red glow is enough to see by at this stage. We extinguish the torches. Carefully pushing forwards. No one is showing signs of going weird yet but neither did Hans.
We enter another chamber. There is a mass of mummies slowly milling around the source of the glow. We watch as one then another are lifted off the ground by what looks a lot like a tentacle. What little viable biological material is (we surmise) removed from it. It is then tossed aside.

>ok fuck learning. Fuck all of this. DM what ever carefully planned thing you have, fuck it. We are going to burn it. Then take off and nuke the site from orbit.

>> No.38636760

We don't want to give our presence away quite yet. So Angus extinguishes the pilot light and settles for dousing the mummies with fuel. Mummies burn good, it's all the wrapping and general dryness. Then we light a torch and toss it into the room before ducking out of sight. There is a very impressive whoomph noise and we can feel the heat even here. We decide to give it five minutes to see what happens then investigate. Angus reports he does not have a great deal of fuel left.

>> No.38636782

I shall dub thee punanon. That was pretty good.

>> No.38636876

We can't tell if the red glow is what was there before or fire. We investigate carefully. There are a lot of burning mummies or remains of on the ground. In the centre of the room sits a black and red shiny looking device, about the size of a bowling ball. If it's going to be anything it's going to be that. Now we have no explosives, we can't retreat and fetch some (Who knows who might come looking) we could just shoot it, or give it a whack with Excalibur... Blunt force trauma via hammer or maybe just wizard something at it.

>> No.38636918

From what you've told us about your DM, I'm surprised you didn't end up suffocating if you hid in the tunnel that leads down to this room.

>> No.38637030

As the flames die down, we begin to see what happened to the natives, the thing still glows, and we wonder if someone might have touched it, it seems quite alluring if you don't know what it can do. The wizard summons a nice big lead block, in the shape of a hemisphere, then a second. The ball lets itself be scooped up into the container. Feeling a bit more confident. We approach it. Angus welds our crude radiation shield closed.

Experimentally, the Navvie, with all of our guns trained on him, picks the thing up.

>"hello it's very dark in here..."


>> No.38637141

Is it diplomacy time again?

>> No.38637179

The Navvie promptly drops the thing as though he has been stung. The Chief Bear seems quite impressed. "So this is it, an alien device sealed down here by Horus himself, locked away with the bodies of a thousand of his most devote followers to serve as a warning to other and stand guard over it.

>> No.38637226

Well at this particular time we are more inclined to chuck it into mount doom.

>> No.38637284

And there anons is where tonights story time must end. This anon has an early start tomorrow and a long day.

>> No.38637398


You weren't kidding when you said this was a long part of the story.

>> No.38637408

Actually before I nod off anons, are you all happy with this format of me trying to do a bit a day and you all bumpan or would there be another way you'd prefer? Also favourite britnongsteros moment so far?

>> No.38637468

It's got at least another thread in it before we leave the east. I can try and speed it up somehow but I try not to cut stuff out.

>> No.38637638

I think the current method is fine.Let's people just scrolling through the threads see it.
Favorite moment is probably the navvie going full British and kicking Cthulu's ass.

>> No.38637736

Yeah, I'd rather you not cut stuff out.

Favorite moment so far is probably "WE'RE GONNA FUCK YOU UP FROGGY" and the aftermath, or the horror/survival vibe of the North Pole.

>> No.38637796

I'm actually liking a littlw bit a day with bumps inbetween. It accommodates my young, hip, on-the-go lifestyle.

As for favorite moment, I'd probably go for Cruella's "I wanted to be the princess" moment with the aliens. Not really sure why. Probably because she's made out to be pretty fearousing character and witchy girls being cute does weird things to my heart.

>> No.38640407

Page 10, we need to stop meeting like this.

>> No.38642459

Doing this >>38622650 again.

>> No.38644524


>> No.38645610


>> No.38647072


>> No.38647801

anons it is likely to be tonight before I can post again if at all today. I'll make a new one if this falls off the board. As always bumps are appreciated

>> No.38647927


>> No.38649821

I'll bump it.

>> No.38652294

As will I

>> No.38653522

you have my bump

>> No.38655326

Should I assume tomorrow?

>> No.38657703

bump for our glorious penguin overlord

>> No.38660167
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>> No.38662362

Up it goes.

>> No.38665974

And again.

>> No.38668135

A bump a bump my kingdom for a bump

>> No.38669867


>> No.38670642

Please continue to post art (you and all other anons) this is a most excellent picture.

Also. I'm back baby. Thank you as always to anon for the bumpings.

>> No.38670703

I shall continue in the present manner. I'm typing this out as I pass over inchgarvie which anon may recall.

This is the reason she rapidly became group favourite and so quickly went from "these are really funny looking dice" to murder hobo. Trust me, Cruella and her PC are the same person.

>Britbongsteros and the bowling ball of doom

>> No.38670881
File: 74 KB, 1680x708, maxresdefault.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

The wizard is meant to know about this shit so he gets shoved forward. I can't believe we are about ten threads in and we haven't discussed this. The wizard is a tcheuter (Google it) and sounds like pic related. If you imagine everything that follows in this guys voice anon will get the full impact. I will post it in Aberdonian and a translation can be provided if requested

>> No.38670920

While the song is about Angus, the accent is wizard.

Evil Scotsman With Lyrics: https://youtu.be/xLf615sCfDE

>> No.38670978

Have you listened to the link yet? You're gonna want to.

>Aye baw fit do ye want?

What? I am antrygos the annihilator!

>och ats good but whit are ye aboot?

I am here to stop the unbelievers, they are here to increase their numbers and...

>de ye mean the wans whae winted to shag this lass?

(He points to Cruella. Note that bowling ball has no eyes, is also encased in lead)

>> No.38670996

Right, I think I understood that. And I only had to read it two times (three to be somewhat sure)...

>> No.38671059

The breeding unit? (The DM makes a very odd noise, it later emerges this is because someone kicked his shin under the table)

>onywae whit are you doing here and hoo dae wae kill ye?

What? You cannot kill me! I...

We hear running feet, we are presented with a conundrum. The caliphate will take this thing off us, and we don't want that. The bears will tell them about it....

The purple penguin would not be happy of we killed them, so we talk.

Alright, do you agree this thing is dangerous?
Do you also agree that it is better contained than released?
Do you agree that it is better in our hands than theirs?

We take the ball and chief bear being a bear of honur gives a salute and nod

>> No.38671072

Easier if you read it out loud but I'll translate if it helps?

>> No.38671107

Nah, I enjoy a bit of hard-understood dialect now and then.

>> No.38671119

I will continue to post in "doric spik en" anon

>> No.38672281


>> No.38672486

Reads perfectly fine to me.

>> No.38673958


>> No.38675107

We leg it. Avoiding the caliphate troops by hiding amongst the sarcophagii.We return to Orrance and tell him what we found. He is understandably pleased about the result but when we show him Antrygos (the bowling ball) he is amazed by the thing. Especially when it talks.

We wonder what the hell are we going to do with it. As we discuss Antrygos interrupts every so often with "UNHAND ME" or "RELEASE ME PUNY EARTHLING SO I CAN FEAST ON YOU"

We can't immediately destroy him and he might be useful to the Privy Council. We settle on taking him to the dreadnowt and sealing him in a safe so we can do something with him when we have time.

>> No.38676011

Talking bowling ball... I wonder if it'll get shot out of a canon.

>> No.38678178

Too good to die. Bump.

>> No.38678621

I'm glad I'm not the only one keeping the thread up.

>> No.38681314

Time to get off page 10

>> No.38684269

Bumping it again.

>> No.38685460

Not quite 10 yet but I feel like giving a bump before I head to bed.

>> No.38686104

I want OP to stop bumping his own thread, and stop with the shitposting. Please, at least have some decency.

>> No.38686441

Poor widdle twoll. Is someone liking what you don't like?

Also, thanks for the bumps, from the readers.

>> No.38688757


>> No.38689025

I know the feeling.

>> No.38692879

Bump in the morning

>> No.38694819

We continue to wait.

>> No.38695247 [DELETED] 
File: 48 KB, 625x351, e2fd4e32809b4dfade96ebd83e648f124402fb53cd97f4de203b9fa8c012119c.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Afternoon Anons. Storytime returns.

Pic related. I'm actually starting to like you.

>> No.38695277
File: 1.94 MB, 500x281, large.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Hello Anons, storytime resumes. Thank you all for your bumps.


Pic related. I'm starting to actually like this guy.

>> No.38695375

I realize I actually got a bit ahead of myself here, by the time we left, the French had actually also legged it, at some point having released the Caliphate troops, most likely how we ended up with the area being swarmed in the first place.

So with Antrygos safely stored away (which took some time in game but not much happened aside from explaining to Captain DM exactly what the chatty bowling ball of death was about) Cap'n DM was not exactly pleased to have him aboard, but there was little else to be done - we could hardly chuck him in the sea - that'd just be not environmentally friendly and mutant alien tuna didn't sound good.

>> No.38695457

Yeah, mutant fish happen just about every time someone throws a doom artifact overboard.

Though it makes me wonder if Britbongsteros has developed scuba diving yet.

>> No.38695564

What comes next is a return to Orrance, who seems better disposed to us than previously. He agrees that he will take us into Araby on the condition that we help him further.

As we know, the Caliphate has enslaved the old Gods but would rather they were dead. Ismail's group would rather they were alive and free. If we manage to steal the process of extracting the stuff, Britain doesn't really mind what happens to the Caliphate or the area if we already have oil, however, having a sympathetic regime that is less inclined to provide oil to other powers seems like a good idea.

That regime we decide is more likely to be Ismail's and Orrances.

What the further task is, is to release Horus.

>> No.38695584
File: 3.02 MB, 2125x3200, Scaphandre_Carmagnolle_MnM_Paris.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

It's more likely going to be a this (Pic related)

>> No.38697951


>> No.38698225

For fighting the monsters at the bottom of the sea or taming a new giant nautilus.

>> No.38699937

Lets have a bump

>> No.38702123

I wonder how the sphinx's battle played out.

>> No.38703683


>> No.38705480

What was Horus even doing before getting captured and forced to tell time?

>> No.38706861
File: 466 KB, 600x686, coltellturolense.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Bumping with my second best butter knife!

>> No.38708860


>> No.38711468
File: 453 KB, 727x696, Ice_Penguin_Monster1.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]


>> No.38714004

The toe will probably end up in a souvenir stand becoming something like a monkey's paw, except it just summons a massive dong god to fuck up someone's day.

>> No.38716111

Bumping just to see if it'll still be here when I wake up.

>> No.38717123

Lets give it another bump, then

>> No.38719487

And one more, for luck

>> No.38719998

Hello anons. I am mostly here. As always your bumps are appreciated. Even that one weird guy.

This episode of Britbongsteros should resume about 18:00 GMT.

>> No.38720974


>> No.38722292

Bump, wiht hopeful storytiem in an hour

>> No.38724404
File: 46 KB, 640x480, incapable of trigger discipline.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>> No.38726022
File: 17 KB, 180x196, penguin.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]


>> No.38728782

Page 10 again.

>> No.38729003


>> No.38731627

I'm starting to feel silly.

>> No.38732401

i'm sillying to start feely

>> No.38734754

You said it.

Do you think they'll go to the moon by the time this is over?

>> No.38734876

i dunno, would be cool tho, with the aliens and all

>> No.38735127

I'm just thinking of The Adventures of Baron Munchausen.

>> No.38738086

I'll give it one more bump tonight.

>> No.38740471


>> No.38742118


>> No.38742857


>> No.38745167

There's probably more alien stuff in South America and China if there was some buried under the pyramids.

>> No.38747466
File: 109 KB, 450x765, A penguin with a hat by madhatter-penguin.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

'Please, sir,' said the bump, 'I want some more.'

>> No.38750512
File: 75 KB, 560x700, Penguin of Arabia by ursulav.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Hut, hut, hut!

>> No.38752396

These are silly times.

>> No.38754219
File: 243 KB, 700x900, One dollar Penguin by orudorumagi11.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

I pay for the next bump,guys!

>> No.38755491

Well I'm only thirty one hours late. Not bad for me.

Each and every bump is appreciated. Thank you anons. I will try to keep posting until I pass out.

>A brief note on the Egyptian gods.

>What were they all doing before hand? Well as we know in Britbongsteros magic is a peculiar quantity and the aliens did something to nullify it. This stopped being a thing about 1497.

How do we know it was 1497?
Because suddenly dragons, orcs, and cthulu.

This also meant Horus and co suddenly materialize again with hardly any worshipers (God food) and very little idea of what is going on.

Think of it like this, if you have ever been blackout drunk, you're still you, you just don't record memories of the time when you were drunk. You just stumble around and drunk dial your ex.
The old gods are all into the second bottle of tequila.

>where's Jesus then?

Jesus was (apparently) a person.

>Ok where's God?
Well actually this came up in a discussion the party had. I forget when but it was the Wizard who brought it up. Being a monotheistic sky God, who wasn't very big on appearing in person, he hasn't really shown up and is too busy fighting the other similar gods somewhere else. So no God. This doesn't stop the church existing however, as you all already know.

I'm sure holes can be poked in the theology but that's what we went with.

>> No.38755625

>what do we know about Horus?

Well he is chained up on the banks of the Nile and currently serving as a clock.

>What will freeing him do?
He can escape into the desert and give hope to Ismails folk, he can also lead an army to overthrow the caliphate. In 1497 he didn't have many worshippers, now he has more, not many, but enough, enough he is starting to sober up...He is probably the best chance they have, especially if he can free other gods.

Of course we might be CIA'ing the situation (which for one this is what always happens when you touch middle eastern politics...) But if required, a European power could still put down enough ordinance to splat him, and fuck it, if we get our own oil (via the process) then we don't really give a shit anyway. Also you never know, being owed a favour by a god might be nice. Especially if there really are aliens coming...

>> No.38755703

God favors usually are far more helpful than political favors.

The reasoning is sound enough.

>> No.38755768

Anyway, that also covers off a good deal of in character discussion.

We decide the best thing to do, is go with Orrance to have a look at Horus and see what exactly the situation is.

We wait for morning and head out.

The trip is uneventful. (Angus and that camel are getting really friendly though). Horus is bounded by chains made of what looks like cold iron, he couldn't break them no matter how strong he was. He is on his back, the caliphate have apparently tried everything they can think of to kill him judging by the way the earth around him is stained a deep dark black of old blood. He is not in a good way. We arrive about 07:58 and so are in good time to see the crew of slaves beating something which is stoking a fire and the red hot bars being drawn out. What they are beating is Babi, it seems like he has lost a lot of faith (worshippers) and is a good bit smaller (still 30ft tall) and is not enjoying his existence. Poor bastard looks miserable.

>> No.38755836

You could even say he looks a little flaccid. Anyway we are there as Horus screams the hour (well just screams really but it's at about 08:00:05).

We decide getting too close (particularly with Excalibur) is a bad idea. So retreat back to the Souk to meet Ismail and plot (also we just quite like Ismail and wanted to see him again).

>> No.38755907

I think I'd end up freeing him just because I'd get really annoyed with some giant thing screaming every hour, on the hour.

>> No.38756030

This is what we thought too. It seemed like a handy thing to have.

Ismail is pleased to see us, and even more pleased that we didn't turn out to be dicks. He is thrilled with our goal, but beyond providing local knowledge, he isn't sure what he can do to help.

We go round the group for suggestions:
>Bard - we need to break the chains. Could we use explosives?

>Angus - the thermic lance probably won't work. Also explosives might...if it was directed it just might...We know from previous experience that enough dakka can kill a god, so we will have to be careful.

>Wizard - chains are cold iron that I didn't create, fuck all I can do. The dreadnowt (our pet battleship) might have some spare.

>Cruella - so we are going to blow up a god but only slightly? I wonder if Babi could help? Can we free him too? He looked so sad...

>Rest of group - so you will happily murder anything that is human, but if it's fluffy then we should be nice to it?

>Cruella - he might be useful, also yes.

>wasn't he going to kill us all?

> oh shush. For once I want to be nice, and I got him into this...

Ok so now we are freeing both.

>> No.38756164

I most likely would too, but if I forgot to say about it was in the hours of daylight, and he does make it hard to sleep in (keeping everybody productive).

This also means it's pretty much just him and Babi at night Ismail informs us. There are guards but not many, and they are easily bribed or distracted. His faction haven't had any means to break the chains and don't want to draw unnecessary attention to themselves without definitely knowing they could free Horus.

Ismail tells us Babi is bound by smaller chains, and because he was missing a toe when he was captured, has been quite extensively mutilated (The reasoning being, if he was missing a bit, then surely they could ensure he misses some more bits) The toe hasn't grown back, and even if he is slowly healing from his other wounds, pain is still pain.

>> No.38756261

We travel to the dreadnowt (not exactly far) and pleasingly it seems all is normal aboard (at least no one has turned into anything they shouldn't have...) We acquire (after Angus, Wizard and I have a chat) a couple of shells from the main battery. They are armour piercing and fucking heavy. They should do the job.

>How are we going to set them off?
Asks the Navvie as he picks them up easily.

That is a very good question. The wizard seems to thing however he can direct something like a coin or hammer with enough force to set off the smaller ignition charges and those will do the rest.

>> No.38756431

Did people just suddenly start having orc, elf, taur, and other fantasy babies, or did they turn into them all of a sudden?

>> No.38758733

What kind of messed up gods do the Martians have I wonder.

>> No.38760736


>> No.38760841

Was about to bump the thread myself before going to bed.

I guess Aldous passed out like he said he would.

>> No.38761838

eh, happens ill hang around, give the occasinal bump

>> No.38762328

A bit of this and a bit of gradual mutation. You suddenly had all those wonderful mythological critters pop back into existence one morning. Really it's a bit of a surprise humanity survived and thrived.

>> No.38762342

You don't want to know but you'll probably find out.

Yes he did but I've some time right now as (the person I'm meant to be meeting is late).

>> No.38762516

We return at night and have another look. The Caliphate really don't seem to post many guards, but we can see about two dozen by the light of their torches. That doesn't seem like many given that someone must've mentioned the raid on the pyramids the other night. It is possible the bears didn't talk about it (they seemed to get our point) but some of the infantry must've... Also yknow sphinx and djinn playfighting...

We use the cover of darkness to sneak closer, the area Horus is in is essentially a wasteground with slum type buildings at either side and the Nile a short distance from his feet.

We go for the Nile side. There are even less guards here....

>DM this wouldn't be a trap would it?

>Why on earth would you think that?

>Well maybe because you're pure evil as dms go....

>Of course it isn't a trap...

It's a trap.

>> No.38762568

The first thing we notice is Babi sniffing the air. He looks right at us.


Cruella makes a shushing motion, he waves backwards at us. He might be an ape but the gesture of "no! Run!" Is pretty clear.

Of course it's also enough to spring the trap as anyone watching him knows that something has been spotted.

A tiny djinn rises into the sky like a flare. Making the whole area glow like daylight as the Nile behind us loses its stillness.

>> No.38762688


The Nile crocodile (Crocodylus niloticus) is an African crocodile and the second largest extant reptile in the world, after the saltwater crocodile.
On average the Nile crocodile is between 4.1 metres (13 ft) to 5 metres (16 ft), weighing around 410 kg (900 lb).[2] However, specimens measuring 6.1 metres (20 ft) in length and weighing 907 kg (2,000 lb) have been recorded.[3] They have thick scaly skin that is heavily armored.

>Now add Britbongsteros.

They're bigger than the wiki implies. Much. The eyes glow red indicating something magical going on (Tiny djinn implanted in brain).

And then if you recall Sobek was one of the enslaved Gods.

>Shit! Run!

Except of course
"Smaller specimens can gallop, and even larger crocodiles are capable of surprising bursts of speed"

There is no plan. The Navvie hefts the shells and runs like a rugby player with them in the direction of Horus. The wizard as the other part of the demo team rincewinds after him.

With about ten seconds before engagement, the rest of us prepare to stand our ground.

This is the first time we have ever faced anything truly heavily armoured. I've got solid slugs, cruella has Excalibur, the purple penguin has disapproving looks, and Angus has a thermic lance, we should be fine...

In the stark light of the flare/djinn in the heart of an ancient civilization, the city wakes to a new sound.
Sabaton - Panzer Battalion + Lyrics: https://youtu.be/ayjVxUC2qDE (on the bagpipes of course)

>> No.38762712

The Navvie (unbeknownst to us) makes a detour. Stopping at Babi. Babi is manaceld hand and foot with decent sized chains (nowhere near the foot across links used on Horus). The Navvie gestures for Babi to lay his wrist chains on the anvil used to fashion the iron bars (which after use on Horus get recycled into bayonets).


The wizard conjures a spike of the hardest alloy he knows off and the Navvie brings that hammer down.


He does it again on the second set of chains.


>> No.38762765

And that anons is where I will pause as I'm going to have to do some work. Hopefully back later.

>> No.38763139

bump then

>> No.38763617

Just a thought. But why not have a try at making a character for Britbongsteros? Don't worry about stats but it might be fun and it'll give anons stuff to chat about while I'm not around.

The character creation rules we were given were

1. Be British.
2. Don't be a furry.
3. No wapanese (see the Godzilla rule)
4. Justify it.
5. Aim for tough but no godlike powers or the DM will also drop Godzilla on you.
6. Be interesting.
7. DM will tell you if you're retarded and can and will make you re-draft. Or Godzilla.
8. D&D or similar archetypes are a base line. Try to follow rule 6.

I'm also starting to realise Godzilla is the most powerful thing in the setting. I am totally ok with this.

>> No.38763857
File: 618 KB, 500x329, Headcannon Babi.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Oh, Babi got angry, Babi got mad
Give 'em the biggest 'Ook!' they ever heard
Such a brave ape, such a cute ape
Babi, show Cruella that you really miss your toe

>> No.38764727

Awfully considerate of him, all things considered.

>> No.38765227

On the one hand yes, on the other I suppose we (Cruella) did give him the choice of slavery or death when she could have just stabbed him in the face.

>> No.38765295

If everyone is hearing the bagpipes, won't everyone know who did this attack?

>> No.38765794

as always, bump for the queen and the fascist requiem

>> No.38766233

and a regular bump from me

>> No.38766558

Testing testing. Anyone else getting 404s today?

>> No.38766576

Ok I will try and answer again as my test post worked.

I really want to give you answer but I'm afraid at the time it never occurred to the party.

>> No.38766604

They're essentially adventurers. Since when has anyone of that ilk cared for discretion?

>> No.38766662

Essentially this.

>> No.38766677

is the cher creation for your game or just something for us to kill time (as in do need npcs or are you felling bad for leaving us with nothing to do)

>> No.38766699

Haha the latter actually. While the lots of bumps are actually extremely flattering I feel rather bad when my non /tg/ life leaves you all hanging.

Also I thought it might be fun.

>> No.38766723

wow double trips+dubs, well if you are here, post more britbongsters, i need moar

>> No.38766734

Dear god. The number of the beast. I'd better continue storytiming in a minute then.

>> No.38766819

Meanwhile we prepare to meet the crocs. Angus quite rightly suspects fire is not going to do much but the lance definitely will. I try firing on the closest, it seems to slow it down but not a great deal else. Cruella prepares to leap.

They get closer. Angus fencing with one with the lance, carving bits off but it does not seem to feel pain. I get some critical hits as one roars (a couple dozen solid slugs down its gullet kills it very dead) Cruella gets on top of one and sticks Excalibur through its brain. It doesn't seem to really notice and keeps trying to eat me.

Its about now that Babi sweeps into them. Picking up one croc and using it as a bludgeon on the others. (Drawfag where art thou?)

>> No.38766943

Further up the body of Horus, Navvie and wizard come under fire. Horus grunts as everything that misses them hits him. They are pinned down somewhere near his hand. About twenty feet from the chains across his chest.The wizard has some small influence over bullets and the Navvie makes a run for it. Slamming the shells in between the links of the chains and taking cover in Horus's armpit (there are no atheists in foxholes as the saying goes). The wizard redirects the suppressing fire and well the Dreadnowt has some really big guns, because when the smoke clears a very big chunk of horus is missing and the chains are broken.

>> No.38767282

ech bump because im the last one lurking it seems

>> No.38767299

I'm here too

>> No.38767311

well that make two of us, Aldous god dam it, start story time when you have time for story time!

>> No.38767366

Three, actually.

I've been doing what I can to keep the thread afloat.

I'm imaging some other visiting or local bard getting run out of Cairo the following day.

>> No.38767791

Honestly I take an hour for dinner...(I'm kidding)

Well according to the little counter there are at least thirty odd of you so I'll keep going for all your sakes. (I'd continue if it was just the three of you too)

>> No.38767887

Horus with his arms now free and a hole in his side you could paralell park a in sits up. He rips the chain around his neck from the ground and the chains around his legs follow suit.

The bard by now has switched songs Iron Maiden - Fear of the Dark: https://youtu.be/Nba3Tr_GLZU and as alarms go off across the city. Horus rising against the moon. Looking bigger, weirder and frankly more pissed off than anything we have seen yet.

>Thank you mortals

He stoops and picks up babi by the scruff of the neck and sets off in the direction of Anubis. Babi carries the last remaining croc with him having subdued (concussed) his new friend.


>> No.38767931

Well now I know why the captcha wouldn't work...

As an aside, Cruella's PC has just asked "what is 4chan and why do I know this song?"

>The old gods return.
Well say what you like about us, but as we watch Horus's broad back retreat into the moonlight. The Purple Penguin sensibly reminds us that "holy fuck, leg it"

>> No.38767983

Hopefully none of your group disapprove of you sharing campaign stories.

>> No.38768011

Oh I don't think that will be an issue, I think it'll be a nice surprise to have it all typed up.

Be nice to check how well I remember everything.

>> No.38768138

We make for the Souk where Orrance and Ismail seem quite pleased with us. Orrance has a map of the country spread out and Ismail is assisting. The place is a tumult of activity. We decide to settle in and try to get some sleep. See what the morning brings as no one seems in the mood to take us out into the desert yet.

Every so often we can hear bangs and what sound like explosions in the city. It sounds like in the traditional of PCs we fucked shit up good.

>> No.38768321

We awake on a new day, and look out into the city as breakfast is being prepared. Quite a lot of it is on fire or wrecked.


It also seems like the Caliphate is in total disarray. Ismail is happy with Orrance in charge so our fat happy merchant friend will guide us out into the deserts of Araby. We have a couple hours to make ready and are assisted with supplies and camels (Angus gets his favourite again).

We are lead through the backstreets and circled round what sounds like full on magical civil war.

We are starting to realise, that our actions last night killed an awful lot of people indirectly.

We should and do feel bad about this.

We set off into the desert eventually. Making camp beneath the stars, watching the moon rise, it is incredibly peaceful, relaxing almost. For the first few days anyway.

>> No.38768521

giving my last bump for today,i really need some sleep.

>> No.38768546

all right i got one or two bumps in me but i need to go back to writing propaganda

>> No.38768834

>As an aside, Cruella's PC has just asked "what is 4chan and why do I know this song?"

Laughin' quite a bit at this but not sure why.

>> No.38769884

Well, I'm out of things that need my attention for right now, I'll go update the 1d4chan page.

>> No.38770570

are you there m8? Are you alive?

>> No.38770646

I kinda want to know what propaganda this is. I always secretly hoped Kim Jong Un was on /tg/ (seriously though I'm curious!)

Thank you basedwiki-non

>> No.38770688

She's merrily reading the wiki just now.

>> No.38770786

Im a social activist (anarcho-communism to be exact) I know its a utopia but in my country the anarchist are the only ones doing shit instead of wining. I was writing a anty-war pamphlet for a small manifestation we are going to have soon.

>> No.38770937

I'm going to assume you meant tcheuchter here.

>> No.38771045
File: 11 KB, 480x360, 0.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

And as implied by the preceding posts. I'm back.

Have some mood music: it's a bit different to the usual metal but seemed fitting https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldeWzNtgtsk [Arabic Music - The Desert Lounge Vol IV]

Ok point one. Fuck me is it hot. We knew it was the desert but my god, it is getting hot in the day and beyond cold at night. Ismail seems to know where he's going, and we trot along after him. Days one and two are uneventful. Day 3 we come to an oasis, refilling canteens and camels, all feels pretty good. Day 4 we start to pass from rocky desert into dunes, mile, after mile, after mile of dunes.

It's hot, it's a dry heat, each day the sun makes this slow ascent, seemingly higher in the sky than the last, lips become chapped, even in our thaubs (we kept the disguises) we roast. Ismail is starting to look unhappy on day 5. Consulting the map, checking the sky.

We haven't seen anything fly over since Day 3.

Day 6 is uneventful, but hotter and hotter.

Day 7 - Ismail are we nearly there yet?

>Tomorrow I promise effendi

Day 8 - where the fuck are we ismail? The camels are starting to complain, getting grumpier. Angus is sunburnt to fuck.

Day 9 - Ismail, are we lost? No effendi it can't be far now...

Day 10 - Ismail's camel drops dead.

>DM just for ONCE can we go somewhere and not... hang on....Camels take six or seven MONTHS to dehydrate

>> No.38771076

wait is this a crazy hassan set up?

>> No.38771165

You're going to appear somewhere, or do you mean manifesto?

(also, anti- and whining)

>> No.38771168

Thank you anon.

Yes. Scottish phonetic is hard even if you're scottish.


[sadly no but I now want to read all of that which I will have to do after Britbongsteros]

>> No.38771226

appear somewhere, sorry spellcheck seems to fuck me over from time to time and my english is very rusty

>> No.38771251
File: 38 KB, 299x448, ieNgb.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>Come to think of it, we're all a bit more dehydrated than we should be, and the rest of the camels are looking peaky.

Ismail gamely walks along with us, insisting he ok, and no he doesn't want to share a camel with someone, he is burning his feet on the sand. He drops too. He sure seems to have lost a lot of weight when the Navvie picks him up.

We are starting to suspect something is wrong here.

We were already on alert for Djinn and mirages or zombie french foreign legion, but we didn't expect the DM to make a play like this.

[Pic not related]

>> No.38771352
File: 71 KB, 491x480, 20436_204546764955_204527919955_813280_128142_n.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>My English is very rusty
>Reading Britbongsteros

I am so so so so sorry to whatever country you come from kind anon.

>By the purple penguin it is fucking hot.

We decide to make camp in a wadi and study Ismails map. We may not have any idea where the fuck we are, but we might as well try and work it out. We don't want to end like this. Lost in the desert, dehydrated husks with no one to tell our stories.

With night first comes blessed cool, we drink water, the water skins aren't doing very well, neither is based Ismail.

We estimate we have a couple days at best. We are lost as fuck.

>Has anyone got any bright ideas?

>> No.38771442
File: 45 KB, 800x620, 3831.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

We try to make condensers, it doesn't work very well. We know in the morning we should head east. The DM starts to make us roll every so often. What for he won't say. No one seems to fail, but as we traipse on, losing my camel, then Cruella's, then the Navvie's, each seeming mysteriously drained dry we...

The wizard drops.

We can just carry Ismail, and we can just about carry the wizard too. One more, and that's it.

The DM has chucked us in at the deep end (Quicksand?) with this one.

We agree to try to head east. Our progress slower and slower with each dead camel. Finally we are left with Angus's camel with the weakest members of the party on her back.

>Why are the camels dying?

We don't know...we are fucked....

>A spot, a spot on the horizon...it's...is that green?

>> No.38771460

not a problem, and by rusty i mean my spelling is going on the fritz and im pronouncing thing in a strange way/with a thick accent, i can still read normally and i mainly read books in English. Plus i don't get offended easel so i don't mind making fun of my country (which you have not done so far) some humor is good for all of us. Please continue this glorious read

>> No.38771556

We get closer, and closer, it has to be a mirage,

Feet rise and fall, each step slower than the last, chapped lips would bleed, but we are too dehydrated. The sun is getting higher, hotter. We walk, a slow steady, lung burning mantra of

"Fuck it's hot" right step

"Fuck you DM" left step

"Fuck it's hot" right step

"Fuck you DM" left step

the green dot isn't going away...it is getting bigger...

We can see palm trees. Holy fuck it is an oasis.

What's that funny flappy thing?

> A caliphate flag

We decide to finish the waterskins, each and every last one, every drop, pouring some into Ismail and Wizard in the hope they'll be able to help.

The last one isn't full of water. It's full of sand and a note.

>Camels poisoned. Ali.

>> No.38771762

>I fucking hate this kid.

We wait in the scorching oven of the desert for nightfall, assessing the caliphate presence. We are literally yards from salvation, between us are two platoons of Caliphate soliders.

Ordinarily, for us, at this level, no fucking trouble.

Dehydrated and half dead? More than a deadly challenge.


>Surrender? The Purple Penguin spits upon you for your cowardice.

>CHARGE! Might work...

>Make as much noise and violence as possible when they're sleeping and see what happens?

We watch them bed down for the night. Dry lips chafing at that cool clear water. The Camel huffs, sniffing water on the air. Angus fluffs his roll to control her. She gets away from us and barrels into the camp.

We decide that this is our best hope of a distraction.

>Flamethrowers are amazing at crowd control

>As are gatling shotguns

Bard does his best as well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wnn47V09Q2M [Slayer Raining Blood] (Hilariously apt DM, thanks)

The Caliphate troops break and run. In the burning camp, as palm trees go up like torches, as the wounded scream and burn, silhouetted in the darkness is one camel drinking her fill very happily.
We do the same.

In the confusion it appears some of the calihpate troops were either too dead to use them, or too busy running, and their camels legged it, they start to wander back over the next 24 hours.

Everyone starting to feel better, we don't know what Ali used on the camels but we have a feeling he used the same stuff on a couple of the waterskins, but the symptoms are starting to leave us now. We rest up a bit, keeping careful watch on the dunes for Caliphate reprisals.

We also find in the camp maps which seem to imply we are at worst, a day or two from where we need to be.

>> No.38771952

well goodnight, im going to sleep, have one last bump and ill read you next time

>> No.38771965

And I've updated it up to the point that was posted in the thread when I said I'd update it.

It's about dinner time here now anyway.

>> No.38771991

We head onwards after resting up, we start seeing signs of Arab habitation, it appears what we met was a Caliphate forward patrol, one which was deep in enemy territory as it were. The dunes start to give way to scrub, we aren't far from the coast as far as we can tell now. Then we mount a dune, and there, in all it's blue watery gorgeousness, is the sea.

We prepare for the next part of our adventure, onward to the oil, and to steal the process of extracting it.

But there is where this anon shall pause things. I'll pick up tomorrow or later tonight if I can.

>> No.38772714

That music adds quite a lot to the mental image of you lot traipsing about over the dunes.


>> No.38773768

I might as well use as much thread as we have left.


After getting lost (very lost) and our nearly dying of dehydration, we are on the gulf of Aqaba, we travel up the coast and round, down to Medina (it takes about five more days doing this but we don't die) We meet more and more Arabs, they are friendly, especially when Ismail tells them about what we have been up to. They seem pretty bro-tier all round. Each night we stay with a different camp, hanging out and generally making friends. Medina has some foreign influence, especially British but we head out from there and on to somewhere between Hafir al batin and Buradyh.

We start to see Djinn again and things are very deserty.

>> No.38773914

The oil fields at last. We meet camel trains carrying barrels full of the stuff to the coast, we are so close. After all this weirdness, things have taken on an almost unreal quality.

We see a geyser of black gold spurt into the sky. Whatever they are doing it clearly works. We crest a dune and see just how it works.

There are human shapes chained up on the desert floor. A man casts an incantation of some sort over the body of one bound and gagged victim and blood flows from him, a lot of it, all of it. Draining into the sand.

Seconds later from beneath the corpse, oil bubbles, then flows, then gushes.

>aaaaaaaw fuck.

>> No.38773980

Welp, guess all bridges in this region are about to go up in flames.

>> No.38774088

Dickass GM strikes again

>> No.38774101

>Ismail...dude...did you know about this?

>Of course I did. We only use people who volunteer.

>what do you mean volunteer?

>Well they are mostly slaves really, their owners volunteer them and...

>The purple penguin is starting to froth at the mouth

>Ok who is that priest guy?

>that would be one of the cult, they don't follow the old gods. They are very good at doing this magic though are they not effendi?

>> No.38774264

Well while we love DM as a person...

You so do not want him running a small country, or anything else for that matter.

Ok. Huddle up.

1. We need that process.
2. Fuck this cult.
3. if we (ok wizard) can learn whatever the fuck it is, maybe we can reverse engineer it and make it less murdery.

>> No.38774476

Ismail, we would like to meet one of the priests please.

Ismail is extremely happy to arrange this. He suggests we take a goat.

The priests reside in an old fortress nearby. Ismail merrily gives exposition on who they are.

>The priests of (I can't post the Arabic characters in text but it's pronounced Daem, which delightfully, is Arabic for blood) (yay!) They were kicked out of the caliphate for being too extreme and generally weird, practicing magic that was forbidden and entirely unholy. They were welcomed by the Arabs who are actually just nice guys, and they took them in as down on their luck folks without realising what these guys were about.

Then the oil happened and the Cult of Daem got to be very wealthy, they don't care about influence or power, just the occasional blood sacrifice or virgin here and there.

There are about sixty of them, and every so often they tap wells like this.

>> No.38774777

It seems like chopping the cult out is not a bad idea. We are sorely tempted to just go full on murder hobo, but we also need to learn from them.

So we need to make friends, then kill all of them.

Step 1 acquire goat.

This is done easily enough.

Step 2. Wait a minute does anyone speak Arabic?

Ismail, and possibly the penguin.

Ok....do we trust ismail to translate?

We think so. He seems nice enough.

Step 3. Acquire favour within the cult.

This third step is likely to require the wizard doing something we really do not like. But with the fleet back home damaged, and landcruisers needing fuel, britbongsteros needs this stuff.

>> No.38775255

And here anons is where I say goodnight again. I'll see you all tomorrow I hope

>> No.38777536

We've still got enough bumps left in this thread to make it, I think.

>> No.38782334

I bump before bed is the best odds I can give this thread of living through the night.

>> No.38783850

i am also bumpin

>> No.38785466

Gonna give this a quick nudge for tonight so I don't have to post everything again

>> No.38785481

bumpie bumpie

>> No.38786022

have my bump

>> No.38786834
File: 456 KB, 1349x1376, Bedouines in Israel, the salt of the Erez.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Have a camel-related bhump.

>> No.38787581


>> No.38788313

Have some more mood music seeing as anon liked it.
Chillout Arabian Lost In The Desert: https://youtu.be/-oYCaaZYG-k

We have our objectives. As we are discussing, we see that the cultist and those with him are going to pass pretty close to us. We get our first look at what we are up against up close. Black robes are a given, trimmed with red, a belt made of finger bones, and a staff with a skull on top. We can't see his face for mask, another skull. We can see eyes, blue like the desert sky stare out at us. So obviously foreigners in his land. He stops.

He says something (for the rest of this just assume Ismail is translating)

"For her, I would give much gold, enough for forty others."
We close in around Cruella again to prevent another murder.

"I mean the camel, not that skinny thing"

>Cruella: why do people keep doing that?
>Party: we'll explain later just don't stab anyone right now please...

Angus steps forward to defend his camel.

"She is worth a hundred others, there is none like her" (he really liked that camel)

"Ha. I will give you two."

"Two what?"

"Of your hearts desire eunuch. Then I would pluck that heart out and feast on it"

He walks away laughing.

>What the fuck was that about DM? Is he just crazy or crazy and evil?

Ismail answers: that was Al'Fella. Please effendi we were very lucky to have survived that...


He is the leader of the cult of Daem. The best and worst of them.

>> No.38788403

we have a feeling he is not the best at ethics and the worst at blood sacrifice.

we ask ismail "How are we going to get to learn any of this stuff if he doesn't like us?"

Ismail laughs now, that big fat belly laugh that seemed really jolly and lovely in Cairo and is actually creep as fuck now. "Didnt like you? He loved you!"


"Are you dead? No? Then he liked you. He made a joke then he really liked you. You are still not dead for the punchline? He must love you!"

We are in a really weird place and awfully far from home.

>> No.38788725

Then again, we are often in a really weird place far from home.

I'll be back soonish/laterish

>> No.38788770

i did not get that joke ._.

>> No.38788819

I didn't get the eating heart joke either.

I don't think we were supposed to, that, or we're just uncultured.

>> No.38788901

Lingering while making dinner. No we didn't either. He found it hilarious though. Maybe you have to hear it in Arabic (the DM does not speak Arabic)

>> No.38791627

Page 10 bump.

>> No.38792319

yes, bump

>> No.38794183


Oh wait its me.

Storytiming commencing again until I fall asleep.

>> No.38794250


Storytime > Coursework

>> No.38794344

We acquire a goat quite easily. Ismail seems quite happy to take us to the mountaintop residence of the cult (typical evil looking fortress).

Now anon may be wondering, generally we try to be at least neutral good or whatever the brokenness of the D&D chart thinks we are. This is balanced against

>The DM is a dick

So the obviously evil chaps have something we really want, and the question for us, is how far are we willing to go for this before we murder them.

It's actually quite an interesting dilemma for the party.

The wizard as the only really magical one gets shoved to the fore for a lot of what follows.

Go study. Britbongsteros will still be here tomorrow. The Purple Penguin demands it.

>> No.38794521

Doing both, the work is pretty dull but vaguely important.

Your story is great for breaks

>> No.38794601

The DM has a little mechanic he uses for this, he dips into his bag (bad sign), he asks nicely if he could have a bowl please. Also another beer. He has something in his hand.

Meanwhile. The wizard is nudged forward, we are standing before the gates to the place, the wizard has the goat next to him.

Ismail says "speak after me"

Bear in mind that the wizard has the thickest Scottish accent and he is trying to parrot a language he hadn't even heard last month.

I'll do it in doric

Ok wizard tell them you come to learn.

>Aye ahm hir tae oonderstan yer magik.

Heads start to pop out over the battlements.

"Tell them you want to get answers to your questions"

>ahm winting ye tae answir mae thae question thrae

And that you bring them this offering

"Ah bright ye ah goat"

Now slit its throat.


Do it.

>DM:wizard PC close your eyes and hold out hand please.

>DM do you do it?

>Wizard PC "aye I mean yes"

>DM squeezes tomato ketchup onto wizards hand.

>> No.38794677

The surprised wizard pc (and everyone else) finds this more than amusing, and the doors to the place swing open. We are in.

The creak closed behind us in proper horror movie fashion.

>> No.38794754

Fun times.

Also probably good practice for what I suspect your party it going to be doing before leaving the house of the goat cultists.

>> No.38795017

We we are in. What next?

Ismail whispers that there are likely to be trials, if we want to learn then they will put us to the test. They are unlikely to be much fun.

Who greets us? Our good friend Al.

(again whenever someone speaks ismail is interpreting)

>Al: you come seeking wisdom?

We wish to learn how to take oil from the ground yes

>Very well. There will be trials. I suggest you take some time to compose yourselves. Why not enjoy refreshments while we prepare.

He claps his hands and a group of slave Leias bring in some tea. We sip, reclining on cushions. As we finish our drinks, Ismail kindly pours more, there is a note under the pot.

Ismail reads aloud
>The first trial has begun
the doors slam shut and bolts turn.
>The tea was poisoned.
>The antidote is somewhere in this room. >There is enough for half of you.

>> No.38795145

Your DM is fond of poison isn't he?

>> No.38795221

Those who are best at searching (Angus and Cruella) start doing so. The rest of us do our best to assist while working out how we can make half the dose work for everyone. We don't have any kind of magic healing person, the bard isn't bad at medicine but he isn't exactly going to help.

>The DM places his alarm clock on the table.5 minutes.

We search, frantically, after a little while, Angus finds a glowing blue bottle and swigs from it, about the same time, Cruella finds a purple one and being a bit brighter, doesnt.

>Is this it? Are these one dose each? Two? We don't know...

>> No.38795423

If I recall he had read a history of poisons around the time this campaign was devised.

We are starting to get a bit panicky. Three minutes left. Then two, then one. We haven't found any more. No one seems to be any worse off.

Still only enough for half.... We all drank the tea, and Angus is fine, maybe...

We are starting to look at each other in a new light. We are very fond of these characters...

>Wizard: well Ismail is fucked...
>Cruella: Who ever wants to take this off me can try...
>Aldous: Drink mine, I have lived long enough.
>Navvie: I agree you have...gimme!

>Bard: Guys! Guys! We can't end like this we...(OOC now) would the DM kill half us us so arbitrarily? Would he kill us in such a stupid way?

>actually I did bring some new character sheets (dm ruffles papers)

15 seconds

>Bard: (IC) refuse to drink it, these are cultists obsessed with blood. They want to see if we turn on each other...Don't.

>The alarm clock rings.

>DM: well I need a slash, I will be back in a minute. Who wants a beer?

>> No.38795496

The DM takes an ostentatiously long time, and returns, pops his beer and continues

Al returns
>Ha! Well done, normally they fight like tooth and nail. It is so much fun to watch. You have survived the first trial!

>Note that the session ended for the night there, DM fearing reprisals.

>> No.38797196


>> No.38797217

Bumping for any anons that want to read

>> No.38799701

We only have 2 bumps left. From time of last bump to the bottom of /tg/ is currently about two hours.

And I've been wondering what you've meant by how the internet knows about this.

>> No.38801198

I'll check the archive of this thread tomorrow to add the link and to see if there's anything else I need to update the 1d4chan page with.

Right now it's up to date, though the setting and characters sections still need work (I've been putting it off).

>> No.38803445

i am bumping

>> No.38804037

i am again, bumpin

>> No.38804605

There are no more bumps.

>> No.38804671

then what is this right here? BUMP!

>> No.38804924

Well I can still post so it seems so I shall try and keep going if I get the chance later. If no one has seen me by midnight GMT we will let this thread die and I'll be back at the weekend I hope.

>> No.38805237

OK, but the thread might be gone before then seeing as we are past bump limit and currently on page 9.

>> No.38806443

Yeah, the thread is already dying. Better Aldous posts a new thread when he gets going (and add a link here, if this is still alive by then)

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