/tg/ - Traditional Games

>>38194227
The first time in Britbongsteros. Start here. You can follow this thread and read rest at your leisure.

>>38194244
>the party
Throughout our adventures there were always at least five of us, and usually six. These are:

>Angus
An orc from Dundee. Originally a greengrocer but also horrendously proficient with the flamethrower he carries. The flamethrower doubles as a thermic lance.

>the bard.
A human, wears a kilt, plays the bagpipes. Occasionally has great ideas. The DM uses his own taste in music for what the bard actually plays (so usually classic rock or country & western)

>Cruella
Essentially a Dark Eldar wych wearing more clothes. She is vicious and stealthy. Armed with two daggers and a sword that she talks to. Played by my then (and now again) GF. The latter fact occasionally becomes relevant which is why I mention it.

>The wizard
Not actually magic but can command metal (iron) and summon various sharp or pointy things. Including chainsaws.

>The Navvie (also called Burt)
A very large human with a hammer. He hits things with it. Has recently started to glow like a Union Jack when stuff happens. We still don't know why at this stage. Recently thought to be dead. Actually not. Has no idea why he isn't dead.

>Aldous.
Me. A dwarven knight. Wears full plate. Carries twin revolvers and a gatling shotgun. Smokes a pipe.

>>38194304
In our adventures we have:
Defeated the necromancers of Scotland
Helped the Queen remain in power
Sunk the German battleship the Brunmiggi
Assainated above queen
fought and annhilated French clownleechspidersnake things in the catacombs of Paris and in London
We have brought peace to the Beastmen of Wales and rescued the current king.
We destroyed a gate in Ireland through which Elder things were coming through.
Been to the North Pole, met some Martians. Killed them.
Watched a man cure a sheep related STD by setting his crotch on fire and dunking it in a cask of beer.

Now the next stage is to acquire beer. Back shortly.

I'll have to catch up with this later.

>>38194368
>Watched a man cure a sheep related STD by setting his crotch on fire and dunking it in a cask of beer.
The cure *worked*?!
Colour me surprised.

>>38195059
well if you went through all that, it'd be a bit unfair if it didn't work...

Also I'm back.

>>38195132
I can understand doing that, but we were on page six and bumping with 'bump' is boring.

>>38195132
>1,001 Britbongsteros Nights

We wake up the next morning in various states of undress and very, very hungover as we leave, the Bard asks

>Hey John Borrison, who was coming for the sword today anyway?

>Some chick called Joan Dark

>Do you mean D'arc?

>Yeah close enough.

>Mind if we stay for a bit?

>>38195167
In that case, my thanks anon.

>>38195216
So we decide to settle in and wait. Our new-tree-friend seems cool with the idea. We expect that one of three things may happen.

1. John Borrison will double cross us.
2. Joan will get pissed off, and John Borrison will double cross us.
3. Joan will understand that the deal is off, leave, then John Borrison will double cross us,

(the Purple Penguin is very trusting)

>>38195341
So naturally, we wait, she's meant to arrive at noon, and in comes one plate mail clad chick (subtle of course) and half a dozen adventurer looking types.

Joan removes her helmet.

What happens next may seem surprising to many Americans, but if you're British, this is actually very common.

Joan is a faerie, and therefore a posh person.

Cruella is a faerie and also a posh person.

>They went to school together.

There are various extremely silly sounding girly noises, a very odd looking handshake, and much cheek kissing.

The Navvie mutters to me under his breath "If only they had bigger butts this would be amazing..."

The Wizard is of the opinion that this is "The Old Fay Network" and therefore bad, but also curious as to what is going on.

The girls are asking after the health of various ponies, servants, and are about to start swapping recipes when John Borrison does the tree version of coughing (shakes his leaves).

>Ladies?

>>38195561
They ignore him.

Joan asks about Paris and the clownleechspidersnake things, yes that was us,

The boys are eyeing the French Adventurers, and they us, there's a general air of "Shouldn't we really be fighting now?"

Things don't seem to be going that way, John Borrison doesn't seem to mind. Instead we decide to go for lunch.

We leave with the girls walking out arm in arm followed by two single files of gentlemen watching each other very closely.

I just want to add here that the French Bard was wearing a stripey jumper, a beret and was carrying an accordion.

>>38195863
We go to a tavern. The DM is greatly enjoying describing what is essentially everyone's double.

We are a bit weirded out.

Cruella is quite happily nattering to other Cruella when she asks "So what about the sword?" and things get a bit frostier. A lot frostier.

>>38196017
>Cruella: It's my sword, and that's it.

>Joan: Couldn't you just lend it to us?

>What do you want it for?

>I shouldn't really tell you but we were going to...

The short, angry looking Frenchwoman wearing full plate and carrying what looks a lot like a rotary flail nudges Joan and grunts.

The largest of the party, an enormous guy with a big beard and an axe shifts, a smaller kobold type thing stops making ice cubes with device on its back and looks a lot more threatening. A slice of bread levitates while a nun has her cigarette lit by Angus (Angus you will fuck anything you beautiful bastard).

>>38196338
Cruella and Joan seem oblivious to all this, however the rest of the party naturally distrusts what is our true enemy (the French of course).

Cruella is happily breaching the official secrets act when we decide enough is enough, ("And the Aliens wanted me to be a Queen! I've always wanted kids..."

>Time to go...

So we begin to extricate her, the French let us go, for now...

Angus waves goodbye to the Nun, and Cruella looks distinctly annoyed to have the reunion cut short.

>>38195561
>The Navvie mutters to me under his breath "If only they had bigger butts this would be amazing..."

Based Navvie

>>38195863
>the French Bard was wearing a stripey jumper, a beret and was carrying an accordion.
My sides!

>>38196552
We head off, it's time to visit the Privy Council. First up is a meeting with Sir Patrick (Cyborg) Moore.

>Who is...

Seriously you're gonna want to Google this.

Sir Patrick (Xbawkshueg terminator) Moore has been analyzing Mars, he has worked tirelessly to build a new telescope, and from the Royal Observatory at Grenwich has become aware of not only canals on Mars, but other alien looking constructions, cities? He is keeping the area under observation.

Meanwhile Sir Hobart's new inventions have reached production, not only is Britbongsteros frantically building battleships, but we are also building Landcruisers, lots of them. We have a feeling the Germans might be up to something similar...

Finally, we meet with Richard III, Blackadder, and co.

Those Arabians from earlier (like two threads ago) have been asked that a trade delegation go to Arabia with them, this is so that we might see the properties off this magical oil stuff that they're producing. We are being sent instead. The Arabians have drilling technology that we want, and we are going to steal it. It is believed by the Wizards of Aberdeen that massive untapped reserves of this stuff lie off the coast of Scotland, enough that we could fuel a million ships and landcruisers and not even make a dent (and also not have supply lines that go across half the world and either around France or around all of Africa).

>>38196994
We also are informed that a party of French adventurers have recently visited London and were followed (shit) and were last seen leaving on a boat bound for Araby (shit shit shit).

We are reminded that in Arabia, the place is full of genies, djinn, sand, camels, and also Orrance of Arabia, a Brit who went native and is a fervent activist for Arabia to be left to its own devices without western powers attempting to exploit them.

>>38197026
The local political climate in Araby is like dancing on a volcano, each sultanate has started grabbing land, and foreign "advisers" are everywhere, as each foreign power supports a different Sultan in the hope that if war breaks out, their one will end up on top.

>>38196994
As a "trade mission" we are classed as one of those very same foreign advisers. Meaning we are packed aboard our very own battleship.

>Why are you using a battleship?
>show of force, it's history.

The HMS Dreadnowt is the pride of the shipyards of Liverpool, the finest in Dwarven Engineering and she is the equal of the Brunmigi at the least.

The voyage of the Dreadnowt takes us through the straights of Gibraltar, with a brief stop off in Gib, and onward to the Levant.

Now it's one of those times where I say "Do you want to hear about the stop off in Gibraltar?"

And you all go "OF COURSE WE FUCKING DO, GET ON WITH IT"

>>38196646
>>38196672
Comments like these help keep Britbongsteros alive. Do feel free to be chatty anons.

>>38196994
>Seriously you're gonna want to Google this
I did, how accomplished can one man be? I'm hoping after he 'died' he was put back together as a cyborg for the betterment of England, or he suffered some horrible wounds in the war and had the parts replaced with cybernetics.

I think this is an amazing series of storytimes that anyone can enjoy, but I also see how being British helps one to enjoy them on a deeper level as well.

>>38197323
>And you all go "OF COURSE WE FUCKING DO, GET ON WITH IT"
Yeah, that.
It'll be a sad day when Britbongsteros has no more tales to be told.

>>38197517
That's why I keep saying "If I refer to something by name that isn't a PC, I'm probably referencing something"

>>38197537
Gibraltar. The Rock. (It was called the Rock before anyone else was).

It's a British trade port, at the gates of the med, a haven of intrigue and enigma, a place where deals are made, illicit cargoes shipped, a veritable thieves kingdom and all with the sanction of the crown. The marines who police the place don't mind anything as long as you don't touch a British subject or insult the crown.

Regrettably, our reputation proceeds us, as did an albatross.

>>38197609
Two in fact.

The first one no one ever really saw, the second was enthusiastically shot down by the local Governor - S.T. Coleridge. When his chef was preparing it for dinner, he found in a little canister on its leg, "LANDCRUISER PLANS PART 2 of 2"

>>38197654
>Dat intrigue

I hope you guys realise what an exceptional DM you had. I've not come across his like before IRL.

>>38197654
>S.T. Coleridge
Now I gotta look this guy up.

>>38197654
So on the reasoning that someone, somewhere in Gib is enthusiastically waiting for part 2 of their plans, that German/French/Belgian/Russian/Spanish/Foreign bastard is out there with half the plans to our tanks.

Obviously, we want them back.

So obviously, that the bard fires into https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXOhw1ELZK8 [Sabaton, Back in Control] (Does anyone actually listen to these?) as we start to ponder.

>>38197839
>Does anyone actually listen to these?
Almost always, but I wouldn't skip Sabaton for all the rice in China.

>>38197839
We establish what we know as we sit in the very comfortable officers mess on the Dreadnowt [Should I explain the britishisms or just let the Foreignons google them?]

We know that the Albatross flew from somewhere in the UK, and was going to wherever its mate was (that's how they work in Britbongsteros ok?) and it would take the most direct route, it was approaching Gib overland, and flew almost to the middle of the place. It seems likely that whoever was waiting for it, would position the things mate somewhere high up, and exposed, allowing for the Albatross to spot the thing.

Hmm...high up...exposed....Gibraltar....

>>38197839
>(Does anyone actually listen to these?)
To the most, but Sabaton isn't neccesary. But hey, taste differs.

>>38197937
some brief explanations would be appreciated by us poor colonials and commonwealthers, we can always look up stuff we want to know more about ourselves.

>>38197861
Good, I was thinking of just adding things I remember being played in the background in addition to what the Bard actually played during these planning sessions

>>38197955
Alright, HMS Dreadnought = first true modern battleship, Dreadnowt, nowt = a turn of phrase from Yorkshire that means "nothing"

Does that sort of thing help?

>>38197950
What happened to you man? You used to be cool. It's like I don't even know you any more.

>>38197982
Yep, thanks.
Though as an Australian I'd already come across nowt, thanks to the ABC.

>>38197985
Well, if prefering Saxon and Maiden to Sabaton is wrong, then I don't want to be right! If you want to give me shit for that, I don't even want to know you anymore!

>>38198022
Saxon?
Maiden?
Nah, we're still cool.

>>38197937
So, this can only mean one thing. Somewhere on the rock (as in the great big mountain thing up there in the pic I posted) is an albatross and most likely our spy.

We set off and start to nose around.

>>38198073
It's quite a climb, but searching around demonstrates several things, 1. that this is quite a popular spot for albatross communication, 2. There are a fuck of a lot of shifty looking characters up here. Grabbing them at random probably isn't going to work either.

Have some music https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAbzlj3nf4E [The Who, the Seeker]

>>38198209
We do some more thinking,

The parties suggestions go along the lines of:

Bard:
>I play the German National Anthem and we see who salutes. Then we murder them.

Navvie
>Pub?

Angus
>We could try and offer money? Or failing that just burn everyone

Wizard
>Well thinking about it, the carrier case on the albatross should have a unique insignia, but they won't have been dumb enough to keep the other with a matching pair, so that idea is useless,

Aldous
>We could always say we found the 2nd bit, and offer it up, see who comes to try and get it.

Cruella
>Why aren't we stabbing everyone?

>>38198301
>Bard:
>>I play the German National Anthem and we see who salutes. Then we murder them.

Truly a master tactician.


Aldous
>We could always say we found the 2nd bit, and offer it up, see who comes to try and get it.

I'm guessing you go with this one.

>>38198056
I'm glad, then. Wasn't in the mood to preach the word right now.

>>38198301
the bard's idea is not too stupid, knowing krauts they would do just that. Years of obaying orders leave some strange habits

>>38198333
I really want to say we went with the bards one, but yes we went with mine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ez_Bj4NZkH8

We let it be known to some double agents that we have found the plans and that we will be at the drinking establishment known as "The Maltese Falcon"

>>38198371
So the Navvie got his pub after all.

Uh...any PAWG's this time? Or no booty while you're on the clock?

>>38198402
we're PCs, of course we went to the pub. Bear in mind that most sessions in Britbongsteros ended when Cruella's player fell asleep on the table or Angus's was sick.

>>38198448
>Cruella's player fell asleep on the table or Angus's was sick
It the pub or IRL?

>>38198371
What didn't occur to us, was that just about every foreign power with a hand in Gib, was going to want those plans. So what shows up, is basically every foreign agent and backstabber on the peninsula.

>Damn what are we going to do with them all?

>Aren't they all enemies of the crown anyway?

>>38198500
So what? You murdered 'em all and looted their dead bodies?

>>38198539
Any good drops?

>>38198500
wait cause i dont really remember history well, is this the time when slavland (poland) was a european power-house or after that when we bacame a shit hole beaing repedetly pwnd by every one around?

>>38198539
Yes actually. Man we are kinda obvious aren't we?

Thing is, the plans weren't there. Or at least not that we could find. We needed a clue. We'd probably just annhilated the lot of our clues however.

>The Purple Penguin is running out of options, we don't want to go back empty handed and say "well we probably got the bastard"

>>38198720
So, with our limited options, we are grateful (cheers DM) when as we apologise to the barkeep and start hauling bodies out of the place, that a group of "Mysterious trenchcoated figures" run off into the night.

Cruella is up onto the roof tops, the Navvies lumbers after them, and we all do our best to keep pace.

>>38198806
As a player how do you feel when the DM throws you such an obvious line? Does it bother you that he's making it up on the spot or can you suspend disbelief and just go with it? I always feel really self conscious when I'm making shit up because the PCs derailed what I had planned.

>>38198933
Well we had just murderhobo'd everything, and a great deal of Britbongsteros was pure improv

>>38198806
Need more beer. Back shortly.

>>38199081
Back.

So the rooftop chase occurs, as does the street level one,

I'm not even going to tell you what this is, every anon must click it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OO-ZGP68-3w (or if this gets capped, manually type it into Google)

We pursue them, down lanes, alleys, twisting, turning, we aren't ready to take shots at them, but we are sorely tempted, there's three of them, we can take them if we catch them, we can...

Cruella is quite useful at times, as you may have noticed, but even she rolls a one occasionally, she attempts to leap in front of them, she instead flies into the roof of a shed and is out for the count for time being.

The Navvie has that weird lumber that teen horror movies do, if you look at him, not fast, but if you look away, he's suddenly teleported) He knocks them over and as we catch up, we start to restrain and attempt to interrogate them.

>>38199298
I missed that show first time around, glad you reminded me of it, I now know what my Saturday is going to consist of.

>>38199544
you're welcome anon

>>38199298
We establish that these (spies) sold the first part to the Germans, the Germans who are leaving on a boat, tonight.

>>38199967
so we book it down to the harbour, there is boat already pulling out.

>How do we stop this tug sized boat?

>>38199993
We for once follow one of the bards ideas, we grab a speedboat and ram the fucker.

Violence occurs, a lot, someone swallows what looks a lot like an albatross message case.

"HAHAH YOU WILL NEVER GET IT!"

Cruella resolves the issue with a knife and a little bit of cruelty (she guts him) we have the plans.

>>38200037
apologies anon I'm on my 8th beer and we still haven't even made it to Arabia.

>>38200357
What beer you drinking?

>>38200357
Just like any true dwarf storyteller!

>>38200424
kek'd

>>38200357
I really want to go buy a slab and spend the rest of the day drinking, but its 10 am and raining

>>38200420
>>38200424
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TX9h558Tz1E

>>38200540
Bro you might be an alcoholic...or a dwarf.

>>38200663
>8 beers = alcoholic
>confirmed for never having been to Scotland.

>>38200684
>a slab = 8 beers

You havin' a giggle m8?

>>38200723
Wasn't quoting you Aus-anon, I know I've another 15 stellas left before I get into the drinks cabinet.

Glad you can take time out of your busy drinking schedule to share these adventures with us, Sir Dwarf. Can I ask, what are the ages of the people participating in this game? It seems to be a strange mix of hilariously inappropriate humor with an awareness of history and one's own culture hat seems to be lacking in the young, these days.

>>38199298
This fucking show mang, I'm up to the third episode, how did I not know this was a thing?

>>38200922
When this adventure was played:

Cruella:24,
Aldous:25,
Angus:23,
Bard:28 (Phd in something something chemistry)
Navvie: 32 (Dm's lecturer in particle physics, I shit you not)
Wizard: 26 (LLM)
Angus: 48 (the janitor)
DM: 32 (Lecturer in International relations)

>>38200981
DM was doing IR orignally, then decided he wanted to be a physicist as well. DM is a magic autist)

>>38200981
Cool, figured as much, I guessed the ages were around mid twenties, much younger than that and I'd have a hard time believing it.

>>38201040
>Magic autist

Well that explains everything.

>>38201066
if it helps amongst the party there are a couple degrees in history, two in law, one Jdip (I think that's what the Americans call it) two in English Lit, and various others.

Though it was kind of accepted that Angus was the smartest person there (have you seen scrubs? that).

>>38201197
if anyone gives a shit I can post my CV (suitably anonymized) but lets not /biz/ this

can I assist with any further questions or shall I go on to Araby?

yes, do the thing

Onward to the land of wish granting demon-y things and magical black goo.

>>38201252
ok anons, can we keep this alive until tomrrow?

>>38202528
Yeah, alright.

>>38201197
Some days, the most important thing before you roll into bed is to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say the world's a bit less shit because of you.

Bumping.

I can see Britbongsteros expanding the empire to other planets at the pace its going in the story.

>>38207052
https://www.wetanz.com/onward-to-venus/
more steampunk than magitek but seems relevant somehow

>>38208150
There was also some short story about how aliens all figured out space travel before getting past the black powder stage and then Earth took all their tech and pretty much took over space.

I could see Britbongsteros carving out a pretty good chunk of space for a space empire if the aline tech would stop exploding.

Right then, someone will need to bump this in, at most, about three hours from now if the thread is to have any chance of still being up come the more awake hours.

>>38202528
Aldous, I hope that you're fine and have time today to tell your tale. If not, could you maybe tell us a rough schedule, so that we have an estimate as to when to expect storytime?

>>38210638
Regulation bump.

Image for the navvie.

>>38210968
Good morning /tg/ tale telling will resume this afternoon at a time that is known as "once I've repaired the fence"

>>38212562
Good working then.

Britbump

>>38152802
Did nobody think to ask the Iromancer to fold the vehicle up into a convent small cube to take with you?

>>38213919
Having in mind what we know about his abilities, I think it's safe to assume that he can only command iron/metals, but not the physics involved.
Now, I don't know how the vehicle looked exactly, but between the fact that it is armed, has either tracks or huge tires, is quite big itself and maybe armorered it is quite heavy.
So, even assuming it would work (which is not even sure, as the construction would include plastics, glass, fuel, probably leather, and probably something I forgot, all of which the wizard cannot control) the 'small cube to take with you' would still weigh a lot. If I'D have to take a guess, probably around 3 to 4 tons.
Also, even assuming it would work out and you could carry it, you don't even know if you'd have more space down there, ie if you could use it there. And if that's not case, you would have wasted the wizards energy, as it was previously mentioned, that it tires him out to use his abilites. Furthermore, you would risk not having a way back, depending on how much power the wizard would have to use down there.

The advent of plastic would be an interesting day in this world.

I believe a bump is in order. Would be handy if Aldous could continue soon, though. I would hate to bump a useless thread.

>>38215525
I'm here anon, still fucking about in the garden and around the house. Storytime will occur. Fear not.

bump while we wait.

>>38194227
>>38194227

>Looking for character art...
>Still searching for character art...
>Looking really hard for cha-
>Britbongsteros

My DM can wait!!!

>>38200981
You have Angus listed twice.

Totally off-topic:
As a roving gentleman-familiar-with-the-legal-system; how's the world of digital forensics looking at the moment? On the one hand, there the NAO report on "hey, most of those private forensics providers we outsourced to after closing the FSS are really a bit dodgy" might have everyone looking askance at hiring anyone new, and on the other there's businesses getting into a tizz about GCHQ potentially rummaging through things and wanting to know if so. Looking to move out of corporate IT, and the few cases of "we found this HDD lying around, where and who did it come from" that came my way have been a lot of fun.

>>38217562
It's a popular name.

>>38217562
Not to mention, at different ages.

(Also, bump)

is OP still doing gardening or wut?

>>38219676
That or banging his girlfriend, possibly in the garden

>>38220208
OP is a Londoner, and it is currently dark, cold and windy here.

Bump

>>38220319
(man, people have the weirdest fetishes...)

bump

Did OP ever say what was up with Canada?

>>38215653
I am beginning to fear that this statement is not wholly coinciding with the truth.

>>38225119
He probably means in a general sense, seeing as this post/bump is midnight bongtime.

Or he'll do a late-night posting session

>>38225314
Well it's 12:25 here so you were close.

>>38220319
No it's cold out there.

>>38219085
I realise now that that I didn't mention Angus was played by two different people (the Angus of the North Pole game was played by the younger one who borrowed the character with consent of the actual player).

>>38217895
Are you asking me this? If so, it's not really my area, I can find out, but I'll be doing it via Google.

It sounds like you want to be an expert witness or work for the police? Regulatory fraud is a very common area for IT people to focus in, it does however mean many many many many documents to be read/decrypted/examined. Not really dealt with it myself but it's boring as fuck from what I hear.

>>38214344
You are a good and smart person.

>>38225999
When I posted it was within a minute of midnight.
I was merely saying that a storytime *right now* would be unlikely

>>38226080
>Regulatory fraud is a very common area for IT people to focus in, it does however mean many many many many documents to be read/decrypted/examined. Not really dealt with it myself but it's boring as fuck from what I hear.
>Regulatory fraud
That's exactly what I'm looking for, thanks!

Bumping.

Also, how is Florida in this setting? Does it suffer from a gigantic monster storm making devastating landfall at least once a year?

>>38229417
Aztecs prospered, fended off Spaniards and are steadily encroaching on the southern states of North America with the aid of godling half breeds and blood magic fuelled by human sacrifice.

Or Cubans. Whatever.

>>38230992
Wait, are the Cubans replacing the Aztecs, or are the Cubans replacing the godling half breeds with blood magic fueled by human sacrifice?

... I'm good with either. Cuban food is pretty good.

>>38231088
Either Aztecs are blood magicking their way up north OR the place is flooded by Cubans, just like real life.

>>38230992
Anyone got any ideas about Egypt? these mythological alt lands are fun.
I'm thinking necropolises ruled by immortal mummified kings and queens where the upper class are preserved, undead nobility and the peasants are regular humans. The only way to move up a class is to undergo mummification rituals and transcend into undeath, but this is a rare and limited event reserved for exceptional artists, craftsmen or people with skills worth retaining.
Cat worshipping cults abound and the nobility's elite guard are Sobek worshipping crocodile men.

>>38231334
I can imagine these mummy kings sitting at a table in suits and ties negotiating trade embargoes with European nations, but they refuse to speak modern languages, instead using their own thousands of years old tongue which must be translated

>>38231525
What does Egypt even have to trade? Sand?

>>38232150
As one of the oldest surviving cultures I'd guess Egyptian magic is among the strongest of all magic and therefore a valuable commodity.

>>38229417
>a gigantic monster storm
Cuban weather mages always trying to invade...something something Castro...communism...

>>38232203
Doubtful, since there was the magic nullifying thing.

As soon as that went offline, the mummies probably started to come back to life all over the place.

>>38232763
>magic nullifying thing
I missed that, what was it all about?

>>38232857
North Pole, Martians put a thing there that turned off all the magic some thousands of years ago, got kicked back online a few hundred years ago.

They were waiting until the population reached 7 billion in a coupe more hundred years before going in and taking the women.

>>38233233
Oh shit, I never realised that was all connected. Cool.
>Dat lore, mang

Fuck my group and fuck Pathfinder. This is where it's at.

>>38233338
Yeah, it was mentioned near the beginning and then it became the focus for a bit.
Current arc is all about getting resources to fight the new enemies coming I think.

Man, I really hope this whole thing ends up with a 1d4chan page.

Screencaps are nice, but this is just so much more.

Might as well try to make the bumps interesting
CHINA
Immortal hopping vampire kings clash with storm controlling opium smoking god-emperors using armies of animated terracotta soldiers, panda people and kung-fu clans.

>>38225999
So, Aldous, you drunken fucker, how's it looking? There a way to still hope for storytime, or can we bury that?

>>38235198
And the Mongols?

>>38236108
Just be patient anon, let the anticipation stew.

>>38236233
I want to say centaurs, but that's already been done.

I will tell you the great wall is made up of massive stone golems controlled by Chinese geomancers chanting and concentrating constantly to keep out the mongol menace.

>>38236233
>implying anything could make Mongols any more metal than they already were

>>38236687
Well, actual metal wouldn't hurt.

>>38236818
Metal makes mongol soft.
Require too much maintenance.
Require mongol stop for oil.
Stopped mongol become settled mongol.
Settled mongol soft.
Mongol must ride the steppe.
Thirst.
Hunger.
Exposure.
These make mongol STRONG.

TL;DR: Mongols are too metal for metal. Well, apart from the easy to maintain bits, like blades. Armour requires too much care to continue functioning. These are people that let their clothes rot off because washing them would offend their water god.

>>38237940
I actually meant music of the metal genre. You know Iron Maiden. Well, for mongols probably more something like Kvelertak.

ime bump your thread

bump

>>38237956
Shit, I thought 'actual metal' meant stuff that was ironic. Y'know, irony. Made of iron.

Stupid words. My bad.

>>38238610
No big deal. My post wasn't exactly clear, that's for sure.

>>38238664
No worries, now I just need to find time in my busy schedule of doing nothing to look up "Kvelertak."

>>38238761
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7sIqyoRFiU

>>38238773
Damn it, don't feed my laziness.

... I mean, thank you.

I guess another bump is in order. Here's hoping for Aldous return.

>>38199298
Ah, Darkplace... I haven't seen that show in years.

>>38239347
I watched one episode and then left, a couple days ago.

Does it get better?

>>38240645

Like a lot of cult British sitcoms, it requires a rather specific sense of humour.

Bumpan.
Is Aldous even alive and well?

>>38241783
The penguin lives.

The penguin lives in all of us.

>>38240978

There's also the problem of it being "intentionally bad", which means if you don't like it and someone else does, they just think you're an idiot pleb skubber.

>>38241841
The penguin living in me doesn't help much, if he only knows the stories I already read.

Hopeful Bump

>>38240978
>>38241864
Yeah, it's definitely one of THOSE shows...

I'll bump it.

>>38231334
Egypt actually tangentially comes up in where we're going.

>>38236108
I'm alive. I do have a life off /tg/ with a schedule that's quite busy, and as anon may recall, this all grew from one tiny acorn of a post way back in the mists of time. So I have to do these after my other responsibilities are sorted.

>>38238773
Thank you for this, this is wonderful.

>>38239347
Like a lot of things with Britbongsteros, Darkplace was something of an inspiration.

>>38240645
what do you mean BETTER? Darkplace is incredible.

>>38241841
You, I like you.

>>38241913
Has everyone managed to find all the other stories I've written, I think I remembered to save them.

>>38246759
oh and, as I always try to remember, and sometimes forget to do so, thank you anons for keeping this bumped. You're what allows Britbongsteros to be a thing on /tg/

>>38246778
Nah, that would be the storyteller.

>>38246759
You've made then very easy to find in the archives.

https://archive.moe/tg/search/subject/Britbongsteros/

>>38198485
missed you.

IRL.

Now that I've refreshed my memory as to where we'd gotten. Things wrapped up in Gib fairly quickly after this, both parts of the plans now in the safe keeping of Governor S. T. Coleridge (who is very pleased to have shot the albatross, and has had a little pendant made of it's foot to celebrate his act of violence which was so beneficial to the crown. He wears said pendant about his neck).

We re-board the Dreadnowt and set sale. Excited to be heading to Araby. I should really explain what Araby takes in geographically: (Pic related, please feel free to imagine the indiana jones aeroplane red line thing at this point), where we are going is Port Said which I realise isn't marked on the map but if you're particularly geographically inept, it's near Alexandria)

>>38247262
>That map
So... Spain isn't a thing here? Interresting...

>>38247262
The voyage through the rest of the med is mostly uneventful, Cruella takes up sunbathing, gets sunburnt, Angus spends a lot of happy times down in the engine room with the mostly Scottish engineers, Navvie and I take up fishing (an extreme sport in Britbongsteros) and the bard learns some new songs.

At this point, we have dinner around the captains table most evenings, and we don't usually act out the discussions, but we thought it'd be fun to have dinner in character, with DM as captain.

What I mean is we had a dinner party and got hammered, with everyone pretending to be their characters. [again if anyone cares, pate and melba toast to start, thai green curry (mine) and alcohol for dessert,)

>Why should I care?

The discussions in character were a lot of fun, I can't remember much, but some time after the main course was finished, Cruella asks "Captain DM, we are going to the Caliphate, I know from my geography at school that the women there have to wear Bhurkhas. I'm not wearing one of those."

>GTFO /pol/


>>38247324

Spain wasn't a thing at the height of caliphate (history) but in Britbongsteros it is still a thing.

>>38247365
Now normally an issue like this, we wouldn't give a shit about. However, (and although this pre-dates those "Excuse me Comissar" threads, which by the way are cancer, it was an interesting enough issue that we looked to the DM).

>Captain DM: Well Lady Cruella, I am given to understand that you are the [the following word was so weighted it should have fallen through the hull and sunk the ship] "companion" of Sir Aldous, as a "taken" woman, even of a different culture and maintaining different sensibilities to those of the land you are visiting, I would suggest it is wise to take up those sensibilities when you are there, you do not, for example, wish to be stoned. This holds true for all of you and I would suggest that when in the lands of the Caliphate, you observe their rules, at least in public. It is just good sense. No drinking for example, the Caliphate also has a very low opinion of [weighted again] those "peau verde" [green skin], meaning our comrade from Dundee (he means Angus) would be wise to take the guise of a slave."

>Angus finds this hilarious. Cruella still looks extremely unimpressed.

>Cruella: "You mean I'm going to have to wear a sack? tch, no woman of my station would be seen dead in such a thing."

>Captain DM: "My lady [tips captains hat], when you visited the North Pole, did you not dress warmly? The environment here is different, but equally as dangerous."

>She mulls this over, and nods.

>Cruella: "Congratulations Angus, you just got promoted to my eunuch. You can carry my stuff."

>>38247262
"Set sale" oh dear god, kill me. I have got to start typing these out in a word doc.

>>38247556
I wonder if this will cause this arc to end with less death or even MORE death now.

>>38247262
>Kingdom of Dongola

>>38247603
If it does end up on 1d4chan we'll have to do a spell/grammar check so at least one rendition of it won't have anything that makes you go "doh!" in hindsight.

>>38247556
>>38247556
Cruella seems satisfied with this explanation and sets about considering options for her outfit. This includes at some point the statement "it's not a Burhka, I'm a ninja"

As discussed we head to Port Said, as we enter the port, we are amazed at the number of other foreign ships, British, German, French, a Spanish one, even some Russian, and what we learnt learnt was a Chinese vessel. The courts of Araby are being subjected to an assault of the most diplomatic kind, but the guns of the battleships make it very clear that there is force behind it.

The Arabs, aided by Orrance's council, wish to set themselves up as oil producers, their oil is fantastically efficacious, and if each of the European powers had to come to them for it, they would grow very wealthy very quickly, however even with their Djinn and Roks, the Arabs could never prevent a real attempt at annexing the country, their only really hope is to dance on the edge of a knife, playing each power off against the other as no European power would risk their supplies of oil, or allow another competitor to get unrestricted access to the stuff.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhhDbaah9DQ [Saxon, Crusader] <- what the bard, master of tact that he is, piped us into harbour with.

>>38247640
Like Angola, but closer to the equator.
And with more dongs.

>>38247829
We discussed what our best options our, the Privy Council advised us that meeting Orrance first would be an idea as he is still notionally a servant of the crown, however we were warned that he has gone native.

>Who is Orrance?
I appreciate I can't just tell you to google it, "Lawrence of Arabia" then go read some books. The Seven Pillars of Wisdom (which he wrote I might add) are worth the effort. At the least watch the film. Go on, we'll wait.

>>38247829
>"it's not a Burhka, I'm a ninja"
Oh no, Godzilla!

>>38247919
This never came up, but as of now, I decree that the Kingdom of Dongola is pic related, except, well y'know, with dongs.

>>38247948
We actually let her off with this one, but I am very impressed with your recollection of all things Britbongsteros.

(you actually did get a genuine laugh out of me).

>>38247934
Orrance is currently in Cairo, (the Caliphate has two main civic centers, Baghdad and Cairo) and so we travel from Port Said to Cairo on horseback, I should add two things at this point.

IRL Cruella is very horsey, this made her very happy, she was also the only member of the party who had ANY skills that involved controlling or riding an animal, meaning she could (riding side saddle and wearing a Burkha) ride rings around us as we slowly dotted along after her.

It was also the first time we really came to understand where we were, as the great pyramids hove into view shining brilliantly in the sun, a Sphinx lazing in the shade of a dune, great Anubis had been enslaved by the Caliphate and was digging graves, one hundred at a time (he was about 75 feet tall so we could see him from a fair distance). Horus was chained on the banks of the nile, forced to call the hour by expedient of hot iron bars being applied to his feet.

>how are gods enslaved?

Remember we actually slaughtered a good number of gods ourselves, Britbongsteros is a place where you can find gods, and they are very powerful, so are the guns on a battleship. It might take an army of Saracen Cavalry to tie down one god, but if you're smart enough and don't mind losing a whole lot of troops, you can do it.

>>38248244
>Horus was chained on the banks of the nile, forced to call the hour by expedient of hot iron bars being applied to his feet.
I guess that shows the sheer powerful decadence of the Caliphate.
>We've captured another god! How shall we put them to work, bound to our will?
>Well, ummm...
>Eh....
>Have them... erm... tell the time, I guess?
>...
>Abdul, you're a moron. All in favour
>Aye!

>>38248244
I suppose it would get rather irksome after a while with all these gods just roaming around freely smiting whatever they want.

For every bro god, there's at least 100 dick gods.

>>38248244
They've got the god of funerals producing graves in bulk. Is that as ominous as it sounds? Or is it just more conspicuous consumption?

>>38248244
Anon you're going to want to click this first https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8i1mI-P9Z3s

Orrance is visitng British officers at the Shepheard hotel. We'll find him there. Cairo is amazing, in the skies, Djinn and other creatures waft above us, there are literal ivory towers, but take your eyes off the poor, the downtrodden and filthy in the streets and you'll find something missing from your pockets. A couple of the ships officers act as guides for us, they themselves having business at the Shepheard.

As we come closer to the Shepheard, we start to see more foreign faces in the crowd, hear languages from all across Europe, as Horus marks 11:00 am, we arrive at the Shepherd, our horses safely tied up, and left under the supervision of the hotel staff, a very large turbaned man remarks to me, "She is a fine one, how many camels is she worth?"

>>38248666
The entire party moves to grab Cruella, the fat man seeing what we are doing tucks his fingers into his belt and laughs uproariously, "you barbarians are fantastic, I meant the horse. This one here, she would do just fine for my niece"

>Cruella looks a tiny bit offended.

"You must also be very rich to afford a horse for your eunuch! Ah I had one of these years ago! They get rowdy but they warm your belly just the same in the night!"

>Angus is...not entirely sure about this.

"I am Ismail, I trade in dates. Perhaps you will join me once you have conducted your business here? I will be in the local souk"

He shakes the Navvie by the hand.

"You watch that short one. They are shifty little devils are they not?"

>>38248757
>Jolly Arab trader
Based DM.

>>38248757
Ismail vanishes into the crowd. The Navvy opens his great paw. There is a small token in his palm, a token with the symbol of what the wizard identifies as Sekhmet on it.

>>38248383
You. I like you. This is now also canon.

>>38248478
You're quite correct, additionally, the old gods are superflous now that the Caliphate has risen, the gods of Pharonic Egypt still lived, but with not very much to do.


>>38248519
Well a city like Cairo produces a lot of bodies, but they have him dig them, and then re-fill them earth, then dig another hundred, look at the empty graves, and then re-fill them.

(i.e. he isn't burying anyone)

>>38248802
We couldn't go to Cairo and not have one...

>>38248808
So with this interesting little development put on ice for the moment, (By the way, identify the film from the pic without using Google and win a prize), we head into the Shepheard, now first things first, I know not all anons will have stayed at a hotel like this, but a *good* hotel somewhere like this will have a lot of different things on offer, including a barber, a tailor, and a concierge who knows all the best prostitutes (Source: experience) we are going to need clothes more suited to the climate, if (as we suspect) is likely, we'll be going into the desert.

We decide to meet Orrance first and see what the lay of the land is.

Orrance is easy to find, he's the only one in the hotel bar wearing native dress.

>>38249255
He's in the middle of arguing with two (other) british officers.

>>38249294
totally unrelated, but have some music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=req-oDf2ZRc

Anyway, Orrance is deep in animated conversation, "Why not let the the Arabs be, why must we even consider this? The army and navy are overstretched as is, a friendly caliphate will be enough and with the trade this will generate, it will be beneficial for both nations. We might even gain a real ally in the region, something we have never had, and we certainly need those."

"I say we simply annex and be done with it. The Germans can worry about it afterwards and the French can complain and then buy it from us if we let them!"

The other officer agrees with his friend. Orrance stands up and leaves in disgust. Running straight into us.

"We..."

"I know exactly why you're here and what you want. The Arabs have only one thing, and the Privy Council won't have sent you for any other reason. I'll have no truck with you."

and he barges straight past us.

We put in an order for some more deserty clothing (shorts, caps, etc) and decide to head to the Souk.

>>38249255
Casablanca?

>>38249523
Now, it's worth mentioning here, mostly because I didn't explain it very well earlier, what we have is the Caliphate (look at the map again) who nominally rule over the entire region, and then out in the desert, there are the actual Arabs, i.e. Orrance's bros, the Caliphate view the oil as theirs, the arabs actually live where the oil is, and are the ones who have developed the method to get the stuff out of the ground.

The UK is considering annexing the arab regions (i.e. Saudi). Orrance is doing his level best to stop this.

Remember just because we're somewhere sandy, the people there aren't all the same.

>>38249546
Keep trying anon.

Alright, so you're not actually after the oil, just the method used to get it out of the ground.

I can see something like a civil war brewing in this region already.

>>38249659
I have also just developed a massive crush on this actress.


Anyway.

>>38249615
We ask for directions to the Souk, and in the end are given one of the hotels employees to guide us (he looks to be about 12, his name is Ali). He leads us there, and asks us quite frankly, "Why do you want to go there Effendi? I know much nicer places"

We decide there's not much to be risked in telling him we want to meet Ismail. He has no idea who Ismail is. We describe him.

We half expect the kid to go pale, he doesn't still not the foggiest. We decide against showing him the token.

>What is a Souk?

It's a this thing. Basically it's a market where people also congregate and usually drink coffee. Pic related.

>>38249898
We ask Ali to take us where the coffee house is, it's a dark place, lots of hookahs and private booths, if you've never been to the middle east, think the Star Wars Cantina and you're not far off.

There's no sign of Ismail, we ask Ali if there is another one of these places nearby? No.

We show the guy behind the counter the token. He does go deathly pale. He ushers through some curtains into the backroom.

>>38249659
Unless its from the original The Mummy movie, I got nothing.

>>38249963
In the backroom, there's Ismail, looking as fat and cheerful as he did a little while ago, there's also half a dozen familiar faces, one stripey jumper, one accordion and one beret.

It's our French doubles.

Again.

Cruella is very happy about this, the rest of us are not.

Ismail ushers us in, lights the hookah, and starts to explain "I understand you all know each other! I have a favour I must ask of you all, I appreciate this meeting is surprise for some of you, but you (meaning us) I beg that you do me the courtesy of hearing me out. You will have seen the old gods in their debased condition as you came into the city, the old gods are not without followers, and it crushes us to see them used so. Sekhmet is still free, and we wish to keep her that way, in the hope that one day, the old gods will rise again. It is in the interests of both your countries that the caliphate cannot the goddess of war to use (that's Sekhmet) as it would make them far, far stronger."

>>38250251
Joan pitches in at this point. "This is why we wanted the sword (Excalibur) the caliphate cannot kill the old gods, they do not have the means, the sword is one of the few things that can outright kill them.Were the old gods slain, the caliphate would be weaker (there are a lot of egyptian gods and goddesses kicking about and the majority more usefully employed than the above mentioned, for example Sobek is used to regulate the tides and floods of the Nile (this is a big deal) and Sopdet to ensure good harvests every year, also FYI the Egyptians had a deity of lettuce and cocks - really).

Ismail is however horrified by this, "You want to kill them? No! Please! The old gods mean much to those of us left, they are symbols, without them, the caliphate is an absolute!"

>>38250063
>Ice cold in Alex

>>38250443
We are not entirely sure what to do with this information. On the one hand, weakening the caliphate is probably a good thing, on the other, the followers of the old gods include the Arabs and they are very likely to be a source of revolt in the future, which may weaken or indeed overthrow the Caliphate.

(By the way this adventure took place around about the height of the Arab Spring, yup, we were considering...
>Regime change in the middle east).

>>38250533
Joan can see our confusion and indeed reticence.

>We are not asking you to make this choice now, but if the Caliphate learn of the sword and your bond to it, they will claim it for themselves, just...keep the thing safe and think about our offer.

Ismail is still horrified.

>You may provide my brothers and I with arms but...this...this is too much. OUT, get out! You would insult the memory of my entire people and everything around which our hope still gathers, it is disgusting. OUT.

The French leave, likely not wanting to cause a diplomatic incident (and there are an awful lot of people in this market likely to be friendly to Ismail, we don't follow them.

>>38249898
>Basically it's a market where people also congregate and usually drink coffee.
Or other beverages, depending on region (way out west in Morocco, it's very nice mint tea).

>>38250613
Ismail beseeches us,

> I heard you were hear and why, we cannot allow the Caliphate to become more powerful certainly, but I thought perhaps you could help us, even ensure Sekhmet remains free, the Arabs I know would thank you for it.

>>38250668
We need to think about this, we tell Ismail this, and leave. perhaps it would be an idea to speak to try to speak to Orrance again.

Now anons that's nearly bed time here in Britbongsteros, I'll hang around a little while but here seems the best place to pause things.

>>38250695
Alright.

I like how the politics never go away in your campaign.

>>38249876
Well we want oil, but as above, the wizards of Aberdeen (I chuckle every time I type that) think there's a fuckton of it in the North Sea, and if we got the method of extracting it, we could easily produce our own and not be reliant on supply lines that go across Europe.

>>38250774
We do occasionally kill stuff as well.

>>38250695
Right anons, bedtime for me. Don't worry about bumping this thread, it seems wise to start a new one next time I'm free rather than keep bumping it, the adventure in Araby was a huge one so it's likely to be a two or three part thread anyway.

>>38250533
>Regime change in the middle east
So whatever decision you make, its going to happen anyway?

>>38251298
Any idea about when "next time" will be? Sometime during the week? Next weekend? In a month?

>>38251460
Within the week, as you will note from my appearances, these tend to be sporadic and depend a lot on what the rest of my work is like. If you haven't seen anything by next weekend, it's safe to assume next weekend at some point.

>>38251505
Looking forward to it. Gonna give this a bump anyway and maybe more of /tg/ will see it