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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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[ERROR] No.33387384 [DELETED]  [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

/tg/ humor thread, because I'm sick as fuck and need to focus on something else for a while.

I will post what I have, but it's not much. Any and all /tg/ humor welcome, doesn't have to be a screencapped story time or anything specific.

>> No.33387401


>> No.33387425


>> No.33387486


>> No.33387999

This one is only a few days old. Capped it myself.

>> No.33389328

Totally not a samefag.

>> No.33389340

Whoops, meant to quote >>33387999

>> No.33389588

I remember when /tg/ was fun and not just quest threads

>> No.33389601

Wow what a fascinating and insightful comment!

>> No.33389617

Thank you equally fascinating and insightful comment

>> No.33389758


Read the comment section of this one.


>> No.33389942


It's still full of fun because I learned how to use a fucking filter.

>> No.33390017

Not straight up traditional games, but I did get it from /tg/

>> No.33390036

I made it into a screencap! I wasn't the funny one, but fuck it, I made it into a screencap!

>> No.33390112

This is how I Wizard, /tg/.


>> No.33390462

B^Uckley tier.

>> No.33391145

This one is pretty recent

>> No.33391482

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>> No.33391598

>> No.33391623

>> No.33391654

>> No.33391678

>> No.33391695

>> No.33391723

>> No.33391746

So did we ever find out what exact was in the milkshake?

>> No.33391748

>> No.33391772


>> No.33391794


>> No.33391799

I laughed.

>> No.33391818


>> No.33391838


>> No.33391857

aannnnddd I'm spent for now, good luck op.

>> No.33391967

>> No.33391970

>> No.33392155

From the description it sounds a little like Haribo sugar free gummy bears

>> No.33393716

An oldie.

>> No.33394532

Here's a good one.

>> No.33395177

>>and somewhere, his spirit is wrestling a spectral croc, we miss you steve you were one of a kind

>> No.33395371


>> No.33395930

You should have capped the first comment

"Malcador pls leave"

>> No.33395948

>> No.33395963

I'm sick too anon. The struggle is real

>> No.33395979

>> No.33396425

>> No.33396442

>> No.33396494

>> No.33396499

here's the original thread. best answer i could find was 1 part milk, 1 part chocolate ice cream, 1 part cosmic brownie, probably 1 part of some whey protein powder, 6 parts of Satan's asshole, and like three mystery ingredients.

>> No.33396505

>> No.33396573

>> No.33396607

>> No.33396647


Two sick bastards?

What kind of disease is being spread on /tg/?

Which one of you fucking wizards digitized a real virus?

>> No.33396653

Make that 3, I'm on day 5 of the worst flu I've ever had, at least I'm not totally bedridden anymore.

>> No.33396654

Make that three, I have a cold, it's almost gone though.

>> No.33396671

>Sickness Hivemind

>> No.33396679

Oh god.


It's real! It's really, really, real.

/tg/ is giving people cancer.

>> No.33396694

Papa Nurgle touches us all anon, welcome his embrace.

>> No.33396702



No, this is the start of the zombie apocalypse.

Soon, the fat shut-in, basement dwelling, cheeto magnets will spew forth and start to devour the living.

Except the women, even as zombies /tg/ is too beta for that. Just a whole bunch of hover biting.

It isn't just this board either, all the rest have been infected.

Except for /pol/ because they were smart enough to buy those filters from Alex Jones to combat the disease.

>> No.33396795

>Hover biting
Sides, oh sides, where art thou, sides?

>> No.33396797

>> No.33397077

Anybody happen to have that one copy pasta about how fey catboys are the best character ever because they can use perform (violin) in every situation?

>> No.33397098

>someone on /tg/ made a screencap of me

What's this warm feeling I have inside?

>> No.33397194

I currently have horrible, ass blasting diarrhea brought on by shitty WalMart cupcakes I had at a party.

>> No.33397432

Reminds me of the Shadowtalk in the 3d edition Cyberware sourcebook, where there's a troll who has both a suprathyroid gland and level 3 symbiotes. He's mentioned as eating an entire stuffer shack for breakfast, except for "those yellow soy-cake thingies", whereupon another user comments he once spent two hours on the toilet in the middle of a run because of those.

Then again, maybe that's only funny to me.

>> No.33397449

Er we go

>> No.33397584

I'm sick as fuck too

>> No.33398010

Natural 1 cooking roll?

>> No.33398092

I'm pretty sure he did it on purpose actually.

>> No.33398196

4, I've had a chest infection for weeks now.

>> No.33398285

Okay, looks like there are six of us then.

>> No.33398342

It's happening! The epidemic has begun! Prepare your reserves and shelters! The end is ending!

>> No.33398460

Well that's just about half the population of /tg/.

>> No.33398543

Great, now I'm listening to Mastodon because of you. Again.

>> No.33398579


>> No.33398887

Wait. Does this mean I could hold pure 'Murica in my hand?

>> No.33399037

Well, my girlfriend's been ill since I started painting my warhams. Does that count?

>> No.33399064

To my knowledge, there is no astronomical object called "America". There is one called "Europa" though, and it's even in our solar system. Make of that what you want.

>> No.33399098

Pic related.

>> No.33399171

If you don't think America is the most astronomical object in our universe you can just fuck off the edge of my dick

>> No.33399174 [DELETED] 

>"Europa" though, and it's even in our solar system

Europa is a moon of Jupiter. You are kind of an idiot.

>> No.33399338

Are you implying that Jupiter isn't in our solar system?

>> No.33399404

No no no, I mean... If I hold some dirt from earth, its earth. If I hold some from the moon, its Luna or something.
But Luna and Terra are basically the same shit. We collided and stuff.

So...its just nomenclature that's important. So if I'm in Spain or something, I'm standing on Spain and can dig through Spain to find more Spain under it.


>> No.33399471

That's why vampires need to carry soil from their homelands in their coffins, right? Same deal?

>> No.33399754

>> No.33399782


>> No.33399807

I cry evertiem ;_;

>> No.33400118

But I remember that thread, has it really been 4 years?

>> No.33400247

Zog me, it has

>> No.33400758

b-but grimgors a mary sue

>> No.33401180

>Playing Dark Heresy
>My character (a rogue trader's son, got caught by the big I when he tried to sell some xenos artefacts, dabbles in sorcery on the side) has found a ring containing a digital weapon on a forge world overrun by chaos
>His knowledge of xenos tech tells him the weapon inside the ring is some sort of grenade, not the specific type however
>Being the thieving, lying little grot that he is, he neglects to mention the ring to his Inquisitor
>Fast forward to the next planet: The acolytes are trapped in a base in the middle of nowhere, their transport got blown up
>Something is hunting them, picking the squad of arbites that got sent along with them apart one by one
>Eventually turns out it's a Lictor
>Lictor proceeds to impale my character with his flesh hooks, I'm now dangling from the wall of one of the bunkers, Lictor standing above me on said wall
>"Time to bring out the big guns" - take the ring, arm it, and throw it up the wall. Takes a fate reroll, but it eventually lands right in front of the Lictor
>Other party member decides to try to pull me down (none of the others knew I had the ring, and all of them failed their awareness check to spot me throw it up)
>Lictor fails his strength check with a 100, comes crashing down on both of us, the ring falls after him
>Lictor has time to dismember me gruesomely, then the ring goes off
>It's not, as I had originally thought, some sort of explosive device like a krak grenade - no, this thing is a motherfucking GRAVITON IMPLOSION BOMB
>First, gravity increases to the point where everybody except our cleric just passes out
>Then, everyone is drawn toward the ring
>Finally, the damn thing sends out a shockwave strong enough to send the Lictor over a nearby cliff and dump about a ton of rubble and earthwork on his head (so at least we got rid of that problem)
>Unfortunately, it also lets all of us crash into various walls, leading to 2 burnt fate points in the process

>> No.33401371

I've had something wrong with me for the past week, I get really bad cramps in my guts, usually after I've eaten (I've hardly eaten as a result), and the past two days there's been blood in my shit.

>> No.33401412

Bright red blood or darker, brown stuff?

>> No.33401434

You should maybe see a doctor, or failing that, webmd.

>> No.33401439

Interesting. But is it humor?

>> No.33401454

Bright red, but it doesn't feel like when I've torn something in the past, and the majority of the blood comes out with the last of the shit.

>> No.33401492

>Not smiting the cruel abuser of one of his most loyal followers


>> No.33401564

And you haven't seen a doctor yet?

>> No.33401607

No. It was only a month ago that I saw him last (turns out I have scoliosis, BTW).

>> No.33401773

Not entirely certain, I know I laughed my ass off when I found out what the ring actually did, even if it meant burning a fate point.

>> No.33401777

>It was only a month ago that I saw him last

It doesn't matter how long it was since your last visit, what matters is if a doctor has gotten a good look at these symptoms. Shitting blood can be something trivial and passing, but it could also be something terminally nasty. And for all the nasty stuff, the sooner treatment begins, the better your chances are, and the less misery there'll be on the way.

>> No.33401791

Besides, I'm planning to go and see him anyway if the blood continues for another day.

>> No.33401873

That sounds like a lower gastrointestinal ulceration. Would explain the cramps after eating, since the food irritates the ulcerated bowels, leading to cramps, and if the bleeding was higher up, the blood would be partially digested, turning it brown.
I strongly suggest you go see a doctor ASAP and get it checked out.

>> No.33401931

Right. I'll see if I can make an appointment this week. Just out of curiosity, what are the most common treatments for that.

>> No.33402070

Depends on what exactly is causing the bleeding. Sometimes it'll heal by itself if you don't provoke it, but most of the times you have to do something about it. You can cauterize smaller ulcerations while you're doing a colonoscopy, for larger ones you'll have to do an actual operation.

Keep in mind all of that only applies when it actually is an ulceration, it might be something completely harmless like hemorrhoids.
Like I said, get it checked out, internet diagnosis kinda tends to overdramatize symptoms.

>> No.33402135

Good End

>> No.33402150

If it were hemorrhoids (which I've suspected for some time), then what's causing the cramps?

>> No.33402298

Might be something unrelated, maybe a mild case of food poisoning.

>> No.33402318

For two weeks?

>> No.33402322


seriously though, who the fuck is kirk?

>> No.33402445

I am convinced the dice god's love idiots.

>Buddy is playing a half-orc barbarian named Fug o' da Hills. The honest to god name the official D&D Character generator gave him.

>His strength is 20
>His intelligence and wisdom are both 6
>Fuck it, her roleplays the shit out of it
>Fug needs groceries
>Wanders into an arena in search of food mistaking a 'Tournament in progress' sign for a sign for a diner
>Strolls into the middle of a fight between 2 level 10 fighters
>Thinks they are fighting over food
>He wants that (non-existent) food
>Beats bother fighters to death while bare handed while they are heavily armored
>I (DM) legit roll nothing but 1's and 2's on my rolls for attacks to hit Fug
>Fug rolls natural 20's.
>Using a crit chart
>He kills the fighters
>He kills the resulting guards trying to remove him from the arena
>He kills the warrior son of the king
>The BBEG in hiding shows up to stop Fug from ruining his god damned plan to usurp the throne
>I roll a nat 1 (also using a fail chart) and the BBEG basically impales himself
>Everyone basically leaves the arena in fear of this fucking guy
>All Fug want's to know is
>Why me no can find cake?

Never have I had a game where fumbles and crits were basically all that was thrown over the course of about 20 minutes. Fug was forcibly retired after a single session, but to me and my friends there that day, he will always be considered a legend.

>> No.33402503

Granted, that's rather unlikely. I could ask you further questions, but I really think this should be done in person, not by a random stranger over the internet

>> No.33402519


The gut's reaction to the hemmorhoid is pain. Your bowel is recoiling from the open wound on reflex causing cramping.

>> No.33402645

I can fix that, but you might feel a slight burning sensation

>> No.33402850

I was in a Scifi game where this was the case and decided fuck it, I'm making a melee guy. It worked out really well.

>> No.33402871

or he's got bowel cancer...bloody stools are not a case where you leave it and hope it gets better.

>> No.33402874

>187 KB
I remember this thread, this guy got shat on for being completely wrong according to most people in the thread.

>> No.33402888


No, but I have this.

>> No.33402951

I hope not.

>> No.33403111


>> No.33403142

While I agree that you shouldn't wait it out, I think cancer's rather unlikely. Abdominal pains and bleeding are not the first symptoms of bowel cancer, you'd have noticed something before (unexplainable weight loss or fevers, change in frequency/consistency of stool etc)

>> No.33403177

THIS is how I wizard.

>> No.33403185

>long time ago
>dicking around as NPC as my char had been killed
>when the GM asked me if i wanted to wreck some people.
>they hand me some kickass skeletal armor
>equip that shit
>give me an 8 foot club
>i am told to go kill all the elves, however once they exit the city limit to leave them alone, i was promised this wouldnt take very long
>sent out
>stomp into the village
>damn this mask makes it hard to see
>notice elves
commence butchering...
>start beating the shit out of some elves
>GM walking behind me telling people who hit me that i am invinsible and their weapon just broke smashing it on me (lel)
>Take out dozens of elves
>mfw it eventually takes those elven fuckers 9 hours to figure out the plot-related shit to get rid of me.

goddamn i hate elves.

>> No.33403613

>[Yes, please do]
Ok, I laughed.

>> No.33403752

capped for future humor threads

>> No.33404340


>> No.33404783

So this just happened last night in my D&D group.

>my group consists of a cleric, rogue barbarian, my fighter and our dwarf druid.
>starting off clearing orcs in a cave that have been attacking the nearby town for the first quest
>we complete a majority of the cave we're in, eventually reaching some jail cells
>just bed rolls and buckets in each
>druid ask DM what's in the buckets
"you know what's in the bucket"
>Druid grabs every single bucket
>every bucket
>he has 20 pounds of shit
>entire group looks at him in disgust
>everyone is staying away from him because of the putrid oder.

>eventually reach the final room
>rogue opens the door, sees an orc whipping a female kolbold.
>looks like this orc is up to no good
>orc hasn't noticed our group yet. to busy getting off to the kolbold
>rogue about to 360 no scope blaze it 420 1v1 mi rust this guy
>dwarf gets a look in his eye.
>rogue secretly in love with druid so she knows what's about to happen.
>druid pulls a bucket full of shit out of his bag
>everyone steps aside, mostly out of the smell
>DM gets an annoyed look in his eyes
"roll for it"
>he throws all the buckets at the orc.
>natural fucking 20
>a fucking shit bucket sniper
>5lb of shit
>orc is covered head to toe in waste from all the buckets. kolbold avoids getting hit.
>rest of the group comes in and rocks his shit, no pun inteaded
>Orc was in shock never had a chance to do anything
>all the loot is contaminated, reeking of shit
>everyone agrees the loot goes to the dwarf.

>> No.33404933

>everyone agrees the loot goes to the dwarf.
Made me laugh

>> No.33404963

>not aw yeah nigga takanya

>> No.33405033

>> No.33405180

>> No.33405232


>Implying we aren't always ready.

>> No.33405814

>the end is ending
That's good, right?

>> No.33405949

>> No.33405978

>> No.33406521

>> No.33406767

Oh god /tg/ you all made my day.

I was laughing out loud, still am.

thanks, all of you

>> No.33407065

Is the falcon included? Because if so I'm in.

>> No.33407078


No, that's a proud falcon-kin

>> No.33407095

Okay but do I get one for free if I go on tumblr and become a Mongol?

>> No.33407194 [DELETED] 


>> No.33407195

Neat. What's the story here?

>> No.33407457

Y'know, you could just say that firearms have outlawed. It'd be believable, considering how many countries have done it already.

>> No.33407477


Pretty sure it was just a bastard psion player being hilarious.

>> No.33407552

>> No.33407709

This one is very good.

>> No.33407748

>> No.33407771

What the fuck is a goobar

>> No.33407788

>dat Darkseid pic
I haven't laughed this hard in a week.

I've actually established to my Black Crusade party that Abaddon is a hard motherfucker; now I think I'll have him pull a Darkseid on them.

>> No.33407801


>> No.33407804


>> No.33407893

Oh, thanks. Google yielded nothing and I'm not proficient enough to catch on all the ork mispronaunciations sometimes.

>> No.33407914



Slang for your dangly bits.

>> No.33407936

well now I am confused

>> No.33407995

So, in our last session of D&D 3.5 in the Dragonlance setting, where I am a Golem with free will, we arrived in the city of Tarsis, which one of our players former characters converted into worshiping the God of Death. The entire city was pants devote to him. Every statue in the city was either of the God of Death, or some undead.
Now, the city is exteamally Lawful Evil. So there are whores all over the place.
We get to the Red Dragon Inn and book some rooms. The owner of the place asks our party mage if he wants to fuck hes just like 'fine.'
so my Golem, Sir Gabriel is kinda confused on what the hell they are doing. So he goes out and ends up at the town Brothal, where he orders up a girl who teaches him ALL about how to make the sex.
After words, he orders up two more girls, a human and an elf and spends the entire night practicing his new skills on them.

>> No.33408112

I should note that Gabriel doesn't have any of those parts, so he uses his hands.

>> No.33408138

I just found this, should be worth a couple giggles.

>> No.33408143

This thread is happening on /tg/ as we speak.

>> No.33408219

>screencaps himself
>didn't even bother to hide this

>> No.33408241

literally crying. thanks anon. too fucking funny.

the absolute classic. will never get old.

you have GOT to be shitting me.

>> No.33408343

He wasn't the one who made the situation funny, quit bitchin'

>> No.33408534

I'm watching now.

>> No.33408638

>homebrew system, basicly a post-apo fantasy anime
>imagine WoD mage after the apocalypse, basicly, but the part was still mere mortals "with potential" back then
>Enter Florance
>I just made a throw-off joke that "If I want to roleplay below avarage Charisma, I should call him Florance. Nobody will take him seriously that way" and it stuck
>He is jack of all trades, the stats were based on SPECIAL and he had most stats around 5, lowest was his Endurance on 3, got that leveled into "everything is 5 or more" with leveling
>The only exception being Luck, 10/10, also quite high Perception

>one of these days, we had a dragon on our ass
>barely adolescent, basicly a dragon junior high kid, but still a motherfucking dragon
>not in the flesh, of course, he has polymorphed himself into a humanoid shape, but we still witnessed that fucker get up and pull out bullets from his chest. From a gun that the GM described as pretty much as powerful as WH40k bolter
>He had the courtesy to state his name and intentions - he was Whateverthefuckincreadiblylongname, he was contracted to kill us, knows everything about us
>So the instant course of action is to stagger him so we can run the fuck away
>Florance lifts his rifle, shoots square in the forehead
>Crit, max damage on the dice
>Dude falls to the ground, quite shocked
>"What the fuck was that for?"
>"Your name is dumb"

And that is the tale of how we escaped from a dragon because he couldn't stop laughing from the irony.

>> No.33408863

>> No.33409015

"I'm gonna kick your ass!"
His heart explodes from your threat

>> No.33409041

>> No.33409263

Mongoloid is an outdated clinical term... the fuck are these guys on about?

>> No.33409271

>Someone on /tg/ made a screencap of me.
I never did get that recipe. :(

>> No.33409352

its a similar kind of term to caucasoid or negroid for referencing races. None of them are really used any more

>> No.33409363

Except on /pol/

>> No.33409422

Is Moot ever going to realize that it's not a containment board, it's a spawning pit?

>> No.33409455

at this point getting rid of /pol/ would just dump them on a relatively good board. I suppose mods could get stricter for a while after /pol/ goes but no-one really wants that

>> No.33409511

When life gives you retards, start running a circus.

No point in closing down on them now. Just enjoy the show.

>> No.33409521

>not "more like D&D-cups"
Come on, you could at least be funny.

>> No.33409522

If the inhabitants of other boards (/b/ excluded) don't just hide/report until they go away then we're all so contaminated that the entire site needs Exterminatus. Hell, it might already be too late for /co/, how many more boards are we going to watch die before this ends?

>> No.33409594

you act as if /pol/ is some new thing that never existed before
not only have there always been racists on 4chan, but /new/ existed before /pol/ as well
and it was pretty much the exact same thing
complaining about tumblr or reddit is one thing, but complaining about a demographic that has existed on 4chan for a long-ass time is another
besides, they're a hell of a lot less annoying than SJW's

>> No.33409651

Eh, about even on the annoyance front, really.

>> No.33409733


Count Bearington.

>> No.33409764

We never did hear from that anon again...

>> No.33409770

you haven't been to many feminist treads, have you?

>> No.33409793

Much like ghostfucker, he may be dead in RL but he will live forever in our sagas.

>> No.33409797

I try to avoid most "controversial" threads on here...or anywhere, really. I had my ability to care about social issues killed by social media.

>> No.33409814


>> No.33409818



>> No.33409843

it doesn't really matter anyway, they're all faggots

>> No.33409870

I don't think I have the screencap, but there was a fa/tg/uy a couple years ago who told the story about the ghost who haunted him when he was a child, got advice from here (and maybe /x/? can't remember) on how to appease ghosts, and the last post he ever made was that he nearly got hypothermia just getting her to sleep next to him but he was going to try to go all the way.

>> No.33409879

This became a plot device a while ago in a thing I'm doing.

>> No.33409891

only an elegan/tg/entleman would attempt such a feat.

>> No.33409903

I was part of those whom convinced him to give her the Descartes. I have felt a most severe guilt ever since.

>> No.33409950

What's there to be guilty about? If there's any death guaranteed to leave you hanging around as a ghost, it's death from ghost-fucking. They're together forever now.

>> No.33409974

This is the only cap I have. There's another longer one around with pictures drawfags whipped up of the ghost chick, but I can't find it in my /tg/ folder.

>> No.33410003

What if, in dying via ghost-fucking, he died with his wants fulfilled and passed on, leaving the ghost behind? Ghost-lady would be alone.

>> No.33410049

I don't suppose anon's name was Daikichi? Because this is reminding me a lot of Itoshi no Kana.

If that was true it seems really likely that having sex with the guy caused her to move on as well.

>> No.33410108

You are assuming this entity, which so greedily sapped his heat, is or was benevolent in the first place, despite its causing his death, or that any relation with it would be mutualistic. In your minds, in boinking this entity, surely, they must have bonded and found happiness! But if it would kill him readily, by accident or intention, then what benevolence can it have?

It cannot be a higher spiritual thing, with its manifestation in descent and this aura of energetic greed. He, for all that is known, could be lashed to this thing, fueling it, forever, unable to be free of it or its ministrations. And no, this fueling would likely not be so carnal as you think. I condemned a man by my hubris to a never-ending hell, for some sentiment of comedy, of ribbing and egging-on.

All for a ghost blowjob.

>> No.33410238

>> No.33410264

>> No.33410288

>> No.33410318

I find the DROOD face that death has funnier

>> No.33410323

>> No.33410339

I can't believe I missed that.

>> No.33410378

It was in a filename thread as "the dm is giving you a hint", figured that face was shopped in, what's the face from?

captcha: description miiinEd

>> No.33410393

>I condemned a man by my hubris to a never-ending hell, for some sentiment of comedy, of ribbing and egging-on.
I believe you've summed up all of human existence in that sentence.

>> No.33410420


An actual company released a real game with this as the box art. I am not making this up.

>> No.33410421

captcha: getting rsangel
aaaaaw yeeeeah.

>> No.33410595

wait does this make steve irwin the james bond of beastiality?

>> No.33410600

>> No.33410624

>> No.33410632


>> No.33410662


>Sea loch

A loch is a lake.

>> No.33410663


>> No.33410761


>> No.33410793


>> No.33410841

That anon is a goddamn artist.

>> No.33410861

In-thread, they were pointing out that Kerrigan, of Star Craft fame, didn't have to make Raynor think dirty thoughts about her. She just liked it when he did.

>> No.33410937

This is beautiful.

>> No.33410950


The areas right below the nipples

>> No.33410982

I am also sick. I have an incurable case of lolicon.

>> No.33411071

/co/ made that one, not /tg/.

>> No.33411076


>> No.33411190


As a big fan of lovecraft this kind of shit always gets me to laugh.

>> No.33411210

Oh god the laughs are so real. This is truly the best board.

>> No.33411332 [SPOILER] 

Heh. Here's a sorta visual for the non imaginative folks.

>> No.33411357

Did he do it?

>> No.33411417

What game is this?

>> No.33411464

I believe it's Vindictus, though I might be wrong.

>> No.33411475

Presumably, did you somehow skip the part where he's been missing and presumed dead for more than a year?

>> No.33411677

I was playing D&D for the first time. I rolled up a social character, a Dragonborn something or other Sorcerer named Kribnefka. One of the players had seriously pissed off the DM, so he wanted to kill him. Being a bit of a shitlord, he sicced a red dragon on us on the first level of a dungeon. Now, this DM just reads the juicy parts of the description, so he describes it as winged, four legs, a long tail, and horns. This is important. Five rounds into the combat, the dragon has substantial WIS damage from a combination of the rogue's poisons and the cleric's debuffs. This is also important.

I'm a Dragonborn Sorcerer with single hit points, and I step forward when I realize we're not going to win this. I speak to the dragon.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

The DM plays along. The dragon sticks its head in front of my face. "What is it?"

"What is such a pretty unicorn doing in this dungeon?"


"Well, you have four legs."


"And horns."


"And a tail."


"So you're obviously a unicorn!"

>dragon shits out its Sense Motive
>do passably on the bluff

"Uh... wait, I have wings. And fire breath."

"Then surely you are the chosen one! The unicorn destined to lead the unicorns from under the heel of... Elven tyranny! I am the prophecy-bringer, here to tell you of your magnificent destiny! You must go to the elven forest of... uh... Hurgendale and raze it to the ground. Then, you must find a herd of unicorns and join them. Your destiny will come to you there."

>Bluff: total of 37 thanks to party buffs.
>Dragon rolls a total of 24

The dragon took off through the roof, apparently deciding there was no time to lose.

Throughout the campaign, Krib just kept making up prophecies to get us out of trouble. Rogue caught stealing woman's panties? Needed to befoul a dark ritual we dare not speak of. Half-Orc pisses in public fountain? A sign of the return of the statue of The First King.

>> No.33411681

>hover biting.

It's not like I wanted my sides or anything

>> No.33411711

>my brain when

>> No.33411750

The odd thing was all the prophecies had a way of fulfilling themselves. The dragon descends on the elven villages, shouting how it will free the unicorns, so elves start cracking down on unicorns. We have the panties so we toss them into a Planar Binding circle to mess up the ritual. The prophecy about the statue of the First King led to a surge in archeological expeditions that did, in fact, uncover a statue of him.

There was also the one about telling an orc bandit chieftan that she was "last descendant of the ancient orcish dynasties." These didn't exist, but she went around bashing other orcs until she had a dynasty going.

>> No.33411782


>> No.33412091

I'm pretty sure that's just an extremely professional suicide note.

>> No.33412124

It's still funny that it happened

>> No.33412318


>> No.33412336

>Having a good session with my players
>The players are staying at a hotel to rest
>One of the players is a Raiden-type cyborg
>We get on the topic of the character's sexuality, semi-jokingly
>get off the topic for a while, progress as normal
>time for characters to recuperate for sleep
>'She has a tongue, right?'

>> No.33412347

10/10 would DM for this guy

>> No.33412415


>> No.33412496


It's f2p, from nexon, runs on source engine.

It's honestly shit and you shouldn't play it.

>> No.33412501

That's good DMing

>> No.33412531

I just installed it.

>> No.33412536

Here, have the other side of the scale of screencap width.

>> No.33412540

Number seven here, but just a cold.

>> No.33412557


A loch can be a lake or a sea inlet.

>> No.33412563

Then uninstall it unless you don't' care about the space on your harddrive like me.

>> No.33412732

>Illusions and constructs
Touché, you magnificent bastard.

>> No.33412831

>> No.33412957

This is how I wizard.

>> No.33413108

It's what he's gonna hook you in.

>> No.33413131

>Now, the city is exteamally Lawful Evil. So there are whores all over the place.
How the fuck does this follow?

>> No.33413168

>Now, the city is exteamally Lawful Evil. So there are whores all over the place.

Whores are not lawful.

>> No.33413279

I don't think I follow.

>> No.33413826

They are the most lawful. Whores take an act born of animal instinct and evolution and attach terms, limits, and security to it.

>> No.33413883

Also Syphilis.

The party Paladin assures my Bard that Syphilis is the most loyal of all ailments. So in a way, I am more loyal than our Paladin.

>> No.33413928

Apparently my mind has altered the alignment chart. Loyal-Chaotic, Good-evil.

Welcome to 6th edition.

>> No.33413979

I'm a big HPL fan and this is killing me.

>niggers niggers niggers

>> No.33413980


Well, there are whores who work for lawyers.

>> No.33414076

wasn't lovecraft's cat named nigger man

>> No.33414229

He had a cat as a little kid named 'Nigger', because it was the fashion back in the day. He named the narrator's cat in Rats in the Walls 'Nigger Man' after it. It's kind of shit it's in there, because Rats is a great story marred by this one pretty bad element. It doesn't bother me, but for someone going Lovecraft...yeesh.

>> No.33414270

When his cat died was it because someone rolled quads?

>> No.33414273

I lost all my screencaps when my laptop crashed. Does anyone have the three pictures about the Sperg, the Valkyrie, and the Pastamancer?

>> No.33414278


>> No.33414378

Due a large series or minor accidents, that cat had -789 san and its head promptly caved in when it found out the world outside the front door was the same as the back.

>> No.33414391

I've got a storytime from a recent game, if anyone wants to read it. We used a van to crash all the DM's plans for how we should do a stealth mission.

Also, OP. Thanks for making an annoying and overall shitty day better. I needed this.

>> No.33414552

Yeah, the cat being named "nigger man" really ruined the mood of that story sometimes

>> No.33414670

This is how I wizard.

>> No.33414717

Yeah, you see black animals named Nigger all the time. The Dambusters had a dog named Nigger in it.

>> No.33414847


>> No.33415051

Anon you better post the results later

>> No.33415206

That I shall, anon. That I shall.

>> No.33415437

Playing a homebrew based on Tactics Ogre, where my character is a Lizardman archer named Dirogath (pic related). We are a very aloof and rules-light group, so we usually get away with stuff if its funny enough. We had arrived at a fort to search for information on the macguffin, and the first thing i did was turn to the nearest guard and try to sell him something. The exchange went as follows:

"psssst, hey, buddy"

"What the-?"

".. do you feel happy with your assigned equipment?"

"Wouldnt you desire more... girth?"

"I... I'm sorry?"

"Dont you think things could be so much better if you just had a longer one?"
* Dirogath produces a greatsword

"Finest steel lad, 100 goth and its yours

"Well I... Uh..."

"Sometimes my wife makes comments..."

"We have all been there"

"100? hmm... I think I can spare that..."

The gaurd looks around to make sure no officers are lookign and fishes out 100 gold for the persuasive lizard.

"You are a fine connosieur sir, here you go!"
* Dirogath sealthily makes the transaction
* Dirogath moves towards the group, 100 goth richer

".... Wait did I just buy a sword?"

>> No.33415469


>> No.33415930


>> No.33415974

>> No.33416091


>> No.33416248


>Just appreciate porn, regardless of what form it takes

>> No.33417148


>He, for all that is known, could be lashed to this thing, fueling it, forever, unable to be free of it or its minstrations

Women, amirite?

>> No.33417237

I would like to read it.

>> No.33417278

>House of Leaves.jpg

>> No.33417447


my nigga

>> No.33417467

> playing as halfling rogue/afflicted kender
> series of unfortunate events ends with party in sealed jars with beholder stealing memories for "experiments"
> DM rolls and I get hit by beam
"I bluff and make up shit In my memories"
*roll 19* awesome, plus my 22, that makes 41.
> beholder stares at me after stealing false memory of me fighting an ancient dragon in utter confusion but DM manages to roll and catch on that something isn't quite right
> beholder focuses everything on breaking my memories and gets bluffed every time
> hits me with everything he's got and only just beats my roll
"next time, don't try to hide things from me"
> I stare at the beholder and smile wildly and innocently
"I wasn't hiding anything, I was just thinking of other things"
> beholder stares at me in disbelief and just gives up on stealing my memories

More things like this happen all the time, generally to the awe of the rest of the party and the DM.

>> No.33417651

>> 7

>> No.33417780

This seems like as good a thread as any to share this story:

>Party goes to an alchemist's shop to have him examine a sample of poison
>The alchemist tries to sell them a caterpillar in the final stages of "Golden Antler" (cordyceps) infection; he explains that the fungal growths are a potent aphrodisiac
>A band of thugs shows up, demanding protection money
>Wizard: "I'll fire a magic missile at that table of spell components to distract them!"
>Cue chain reaction of spilled potions and combusting spell components
>One thug is caught in the roiling magical vapors, mutates into huge abomination
>Ranger throws Oil of Fiery Burning at the abomination, sets shop on fire
>The Ranger grabs his animal companion and bolts for the rear exit
>The Wizard grabs the alchemist and does the same
>The Fighter GRABS THE FUCKING APHRODISIAC CATERPILLAR and makes it out of the building just seconds before it collapses in flames.

A few encounters later, the party has finally found the BBEG's lair under the city and is planning their assault.
>Wizard: "I turn the Ranger invisible so he can get into position to sneak attack!"
>Druid: "I shapeshift into a silverback gorilla!"
>Fighter: "I eat the aphrodisiac caterpillar!"
>DM: "The... The whole thing?"
>Fighter: "Yup!"

The final battle consisted primarily of the Fighter alternately hacking his way through the BBEG's mooks and bludgeoning them with his supernaturally engorged erection. webm VERY related.

>> No.33417938

...the hell did I just watch?

>> No.33417972

An excerpt from the music video for "turn down for what". It's better with sound.

>> No.33418001

This is a dubstep music video right?
It has to be, c'mon.

>> No.33418034

Trap actually.

>> No.33418230

Slaaneshi incursion into our reality.

>> No.33418279

Lil Jon actually

>> No.33418442

A reason to never turn it down.

>> No.33418462

This is how I wizard.

>> No.33418819

Holy shit. I cannot stop laughing.

>> No.33419255

Dat sneaky descartes

>> No.33419579

>enjoying trying to jump high enough to stick your wand up my mum as she's flying around


>> No.33419705

He had all creatures in his heart... That could've been worded better...

>> No.33419764

Two different people with the same name, look in at the two portraits.

That said, Paradox recently allowed lunatic characters to plot against themselves.

>> No.33419784 [DELETED] 

I feel like it's only Americans who get really butthurt about Niggerman and Lovecraft's identitarianism driven racism. Mostly because white, hill-billy enclaves still exist where racism is as 1800's as ever and they truly believe blacks are the slave-race.

I'm from the UK, I'm not racist and I didn't really bat an eyelid when those themes came up because really, who can still say "nigger" with a straight face and truly mean it in Western Yurop today? Aside from the mental loner social outcasts that are scorned by everyone around them

>> No.33419800

Agatha Christie's "10 Little Niggers" is actually, properly offensive rather than simply naming a shitty dog or a cat niggerman

>> No.33419808

Adventure is waiting, after you bend.
But not if you're straight.

Deep, OP, Deep.

>> No.33420304

>Hellboy Crown
>Mignola influenced artwork
I love you in a way that transcends sexuality and distances, anon.

>> No.33420525

Pretty much. And what do we do with Heretics little jimmy?
That's right, the same as people who listen to dubstep. We purge them.

>> No.33420529

Do you mean "and then there were no(more niggers)ne"

>> No.33421270


>> No.33421317

this just sent me into negative hp laughing holy fuck

>> No.33421349

Here, I think this is the complete cap.

>> No.33421457

300 lb is incredibly light for a stone throne. Anybody have that pic of the stone with an inscribed story about the guy who threw it with one hand?

>> No.33421495

That's funny, I was just reminiscing about how /tg/ used to not be full of whiners who complain about things rather than making their own fun.

>> No.33421512

>hover biting
Goddammit I almost dropped my phone

>> No.33421593

I love it.

>> No.33421668


>> No.33422025

>> No.33422069

he read /tg/ humor threads and is trying too hard to make his own epic greentext story

>> No.33422124

>> No.33423348

>> No.33423422

>CAPTCHA: Scipio Gembilly
What do you think, /tg/? Could this be a space marine?

>> No.33423457

Will be dumping btw

>> No.33423471


>> No.33423486


>> No.33423510

Not sure if /tg/, but I found it here.

>> No.33423521


>> No.33423543

This is all I have.

>> No.33423792

>not saying it was an actual literal snake

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