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[ERROR] No.33362623 [DELETED]  [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

>Intimidate check
>20
>"He died from fright"

>> No.33362659

>>33362623
"I roll to perform CPR"

>> No.33362671

>>33362623
This thread seems familiar..

>> No.33362716

>Perception check
>20
>You now have X-ray vision

>> No.33362763

>Roll to discern intentions
>20
>You read his mind

...oh, wait, discern intentions is basically a "read mind" spell in any given system anyway

>> No.33362829

>Lockpick Check
>20
>"You opened a portal to the Astral Plane."

>> No.33362847

>>33362716
This once happened in my gamma world game.

>> No.33362865

>>33362623

I hate critically success/failures.

There is not a 1/20 chance to succeed or fail at ANYTHING you do.

>> No.33362915

>>33362865
I agree. Whenever I DM Pathfinder I make it clear that Nat 20s and 1s only matter on attacks, which is exactly what it says in the books.

>> No.33363037

>nat 1 awareness check

>> No.33363075

>>33363037
That would be if the guy was just lying on the ground, without mud. That's a nat 20 hide check.

>> No.33363103

>>33362915
>>33362865

Well how-dee-do Mr. Nofun McIneveryfuckingthreadlikethis

Guess what? Nobody cares about how boring your games are.
We're here for the sake of some heavily absurdist humor, so go fuck yourself with a rake please

>> No.33363135

nat 1 thieving check

>> No.33363137

>deadly chasm we can't cross
>"I know what to do!"
>roll to high jump
>over and over for several minutes
>natural 20
>don't come back down
>gain a permanent fly speed
>crits on skills make sense

>> No.33363151

>>33362763

However, you are clearly talking about D&D because you are using a d20.

A DC100 Sense Motive check does, in fact, allow you to read the target's mind. Trufax

>> No.33363191

If your DM doesn't narrate natural 20's as crazy over-the-top shit, your DM isn't doing his job.

>> No.33363229

>Firing arrows in a narrow space
>Behind entire party
>Nat 1

>> No.33363268

>>33363137
Critting on skill rolls for the point of humor is one thing, but if you're a DM and you allow your players to pull shit like this someone needs to take over quick.

>> No.33363301

>>33362865
>There is not a 1/20 chance to succeed or fail at ANYTHING you do.

In a game, there should be. Otherwise there's no element of gambling and excitement. If you know what's going to happen, you shouldn't even bother.

>> No.33363304

>>33363137

>letting people make a skill check more than once

you got deeper problems than crits.

>> No.33363307

I don't count fumbles when we're not in combat, a failure is a failure.

If they nat 20, then I make the result absurd and always more beneficial than what they would have with a normal success.

>> No.33363334

>>33363268

Sounds like you love boredom and lack of fun.

>> No.33363347

>> No.33363364

>>33363304

This. Rule of thumb in all RPGs is, you are never allowed to retry a skill check unless your skill value changed. If you can't leap that wall on your first try, you can't leap it on your 15th try either.

>> No.33363373

>>33363301
But anon, mechanics should be game physics.

>> No.33363415

>Nat 1 grapple

>> No.33363427

>>33363229

>your broad-head arrow lodges between the wizards c7 and t1 vertebra
>as he falls to the ground spasming he casts 1d4+1 random spells at random targets

>> No.33363471 [DELETED] 

nat 20 defacate

>> No.33363481

>>33363427
this gives me an idea for a game where the PCs play as assassins hunting down adventurers, with hilarious consequences

>> No.33363499

>Roll to kick door down
>Nat 20
>Destroy eastern wing of the royal castle

>> No.33363527 [DELETED] 

>>33363471

Who the fuck shits that much?

>> No.33363539 [DELETED] 

>>33363527

Fucking druids.

>> No.33363591

>>33362623
Nat 1 Parry

>> No.33363792

>"i want to knock his ass out with my club"
>20
>"your hammer caves his head in, the walls splattered with his head-intestines and bits of his skull. from a non-professional CSI enthusiast, you just killed that nigga."

>> No.33363887

>>33363364
If my skills are that perfectly consistent why do I have to roll for them in the first place?
I can never leap over that wall no matter how many attempts I make, but I can leap over this other identical wall if I roll well for that one?

>> No.33363953

1 is for a stroke of incredibly bad luck. Like you try to hide in the shadows, only for a drunk to throw open the door, and the light from the tavern across the street is like a spotlight on you.

20 is exceptional luck or skill. I.e. the lockpick hits the right tumblers the first time, picking it almost the second you put the pick it.

They can be silly, but not reality bending IMO (unless you are using magic or god powers).

I like the "explosive 20s" house rule though. (keep rolling if you get a 20/1 until you don't get a 20/1 to decide HOW amazing the crit is.)

>> No.33363986

>>33363427
>turning all casters into pic related

Yes.

>> No.33364060

>>33363986

Surely if the mind is addled, a spell doesn't work.

I thought a caster could say a spell/incantation and nothing happens, but it only works if they concentrate/mean it.

Then again, that means a beheaded wizard could cast a spell the moment they are beheaded, even if they can't sound the words.

>> No.33364149

I've always wanted to do a sort of chaos realm doing this. Like a god of chance or trick or WHATEVER grabs the players and hurls them into his realm where a normal 1 is now a 5 and a normal 20 is now a 15. Anything below a 5 or above a 15 has hilarious consequences.

Probably would have to add some sort of respawn mechanic to it as well, considering you'd give the enemies this status as well

>> No.33364267

>>33364149

> Player rolls d20s
> You roll equal number of d20s and a d4.
> on the d4 Equal number = Add your roll to theirs. Odd number - subtract your roll from theirs.

I'd have it for a "fluctuating luck" curse or something. An adventure in "Loki's Funland" might get real old and annoying real fast.

>> No.33364341

>>33363191
>roll to see how well I dance
>20
i cant remember how it went but it went into excruciating detail.

>> No.33364828

>>33362829
That can't end well. I guess the houserule in your games is that a natural 20 causes you to succeed in such a way that something horrible is going to happen.

>> No.33365454

>>33363792
>file name
mah nigga

>> No.33365503

>>33363427
The natural weakness of all spellcasters.
>"Ah shit I'm hurt. Aww shit I'm falling to the ground now. Welp nothing to do about but cast every spell know at random targets until something fixes this situation or I kill everyone"
>"Gods damn it Algar, what the fuck are you doing!"
>"You knew the risks of taking me along Boltak. You knew the risk of partying with a WIZARD."

>> No.33365731

Nat 1 Seduce.

>> No.33365752

>Friend playing as Minotaur Barbarian
>Figures he's to good to climb castle walls.
>"I try to break through it with bullrush."
>Natural fucking twenty.
>Entirety of castle walls fall down.
>MFW I'm still on top of it.
>MFW I died in the fall.

>> No.33365759

>>33365731
And another Nat 1 Seduce.

>> No.33365848

Nat 1 Sense Motive.

>> No.33365918

Nat 20 Sleight of Hand.

>> No.33366006

>>33365918
Nat 1 Sleight of Hand.

>> No.33366052

Nat 1 Intimidate.

>> No.33366070

>>33365752
Another story.
>Combat encounter, party vs a bunch of goblins.
>Mage about to cast cloud of daggers.
>Rolls Natural one.
>DM decides that the mage misspronounced his spell. Casting cloud of faggots instead.
>MFW the goblins all choke on arcane dicks in a pink cloud of smoke.

>> No.33366113

>I try to hide from the guards in the shadows
>20
>"You hide so well that you lose track of yourself. You can no longer tell where or even who you are."
>I roll to search in order to find myself?
>20
>"You discover the very essence of your being and the meaning of life. You have achieved Nirvana."

>> No.33366140

Nat 20 Disguise

>> No.33366150

Nat 1 on casting Wish.

>> No.33366176

>>33363347
You forgot the Nat 20 Seduction

>> No.33366191

>Nat 20 will check vs. fear
>Played by a good Drama major

>> No.33366214 [DELETED] 

>>33363539
CLEAN LIVIN'

>> No.33366223

>>33362915
Also saves

>> No.33366282

Nat 1 Tumble

>> No.33366360

>Nat 20 intimidate

>> No.33366430

Nat 20 Performance

>> No.33366511

>>33365752
>>33366070
Last one for now.
>Party is steering small smuggler vessel into bay, past several imperial navy ships.
>Fog everywhere, nice for concealment but also makes it harder to locate the navy ships.
>Rogue is homosexual.
>"I try to use my gaydar to locate sailors."
>DM laughs, says to roll for it.
> Natural twenty.
> We manage to sneak between two navy ships due to rogue sensing seamen.

>> No.33366543

Nat 1 Heal Check

>> No.33366545

>Natural 1 disguise

>> No.33366569

>>33366545
the one on the left must have rolled at least a 2

>> No.33366591

>>33366070
Not sure what the roll was for but one could count that as a critical success as well.

>> No.33366592

This is how I YOLO

>> No.33366634

>>33365918
My brain hurts.

>> No.33366638

Nat 20 Conceal Weapon

>> No.33366651

>>33366634
It's shorter afterwards, bro.

>> No.33366662

>>33366591
Yeah well, we were short on time.
Had to wrap it up somehow.

>> No.33366676

Rolled 81

>>33366006
That poor dead kid.

>> No.33366714

>>33366545
>Railgun drag queens

Welp, my day is shot.

>> No.33366738

>>33363887
>If my skills are that perfectly consistent why do I have to roll for them in the first place?
what is taking ten?

>> No.33366751 [SPOILER] 

>Natural 20 bluff check

>> No.33366790

>>33366634
Put a handkerchief on it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7AihnLbw1E

>> No.33366826

>>33366511
And they said it would never come up in a positive way. Genius.

>> No.33366937

Nat 20 Disguise

>> No.33366982

>>33366511
>> We manage to sneak between two navy ships due to rogue sensing seamen.
It's even funnier when you read it out loud.

>> No.33366996

>>33364060
That's kind of like a death curse. Using the last bit of lifeforce to fuck over who killed you.

>> No.33367048

>>33363103
The joke is funny once or twice. It very quickly becomes boring if it keeps going.

>> No.33367151

>> No.33367264

This is how I critical success on acrobatics

>> No.33367349

>>33366191

2edgy4me

>> No.33367636

>>33367151

>> No.33367666

>>33367151
Yep, he looks like a 'wizard' to me.

>> No.33367829

Natural 20 Cooking

>> No.33367856

Nat 1 Diplomacy

>> No.33367887

Nat 1 Sail

>> No.33367921

Nat 1 Intimidate

>> No.33367932

>>33362623
>"Trying to stun, not kill, knockout at worst"
>Nat 1
>"The butt of your gun goes through the back of his head and neck, spraying bone and gore across the wall in front as his now lifeless body crumples to the floor."

>> No.33367982

>nat 1 cooking

>> No.33368000

>>33367932
Hi. I'm >>33363792

Wanna be despairbuddies?

>> No.33368018

>>33366191
OH WOW THIS GIRL IS SO COOL

>> No.33368038

>>33367921
To be fair those mushrooms hurt like hell.

>> No.33368103

>>33367921
>attackofopportunity.gif

20 Hide

>> No.33368124

>magilla rolls to intimidate
>nat 1

>> No.33368173

>>33368000

>> No.33368176

>>33363792
>head-intestines

That... that's not how intestines work. At all.

>> No.33368181

>>33366511
I'll add one of my own;
>party investigating corrupt politician
>I sneak into his manor to rifle through his files
>spend 3 hours searching for incriminating evidence
>Suddenly feel sword at my back and a voice
>"Move and I'll kill you"
>I briefly think of the implications of being caught by the guards
>OOC: I spin, using my spare action to draw my knife and slash at where I think his throat is.
>GM: Lol okay roll
>16 to draw, 20 to attack
>He goes down without a sound
>I get a look at his face
>It's the politician

GMs face when I accidentally kill an incredibly plot important character in 1 move
MFW he locks my character up for the rest of the game til I'm executed next session.

>> No.33368235

>>33362623
>Initiative check.
>Nat 20.
>All enemies are now under the effects of the slow spell.

>> No.33368315

>>33367856
Who needs diplomacy when you're an overpowered miko who can be literally invincible just because she feels like it?

>> No.33368326

>>33368181
Brilliant

>> No.33368356

>>33368176
Intestines are all twisty and shit and made of meat. Brains are all twisty and shit and are made of meat. I don't see the problem.

>> No.33368403

>>33368315
Well, there's a Youkai that can reality bend just as hard, if not harder, and one who's specific power is to invert things, so you probably would need it to some degree.

>> No.33368455

>>33368356
not him but I hate when people do that shit, reminds me of this kind of stuff

>> No.33368468

>>33365918
Economics.jpg

>> No.33368470

>>33368124
I think you mean poorbastard#1 rolls nat20 on intimidate

>> No.33368474

>Want to throw halfling at enemy
>Nat 20 for throw
>Nat 1 for aim
>Flying halfling decapitates wizard and splatters against wall

>> No.33368477

>>33368403
Good thing tea gives a +20 circumstance bonus to diplomacy rolls.

>> No.33368497

I do nat 1 auto fail and nat 20 auto succeed, but it only gets humorous if they beat it/get beat by a mile. If they only had to roll a 3 or higher or something and they get a nat 20, I figure it's only fair that they get to have a little fun for getting a lucky roll.

>> No.33368586

>>33368455
I bet you'll hate this then, won't you?

>> No.33368883

>>33368586
>If I give birth, the baby will grow up and loose its virginity before you do~
Hey! I've read that one! It was pretty good

>> No.33368933

>>33368586
>M...My dick's getting hard by itself!
jesus christ how horrifying

>> No.33368945

>>33368933
Well in the context of that particular one, the dick in question had been cut off.
So. It was a bit noteworthy.

>> No.33368955

>>33368586
>tfw remember reading like half of these
>tfw crops I've posted

>> No.33368962

>>33368955
I thank you for your contributions to the cause.

>> No.33368992

>>33363373
mechanics should be whatever is required to make the game fun and enjoyable for everyone.
If that's real-world physics, cool. If it's magic or wacky-zany hijinks, that's cool too.
What nobody on /tg/ seems to understand is that different people enjoy different things. And what is enjoyable for you and your game, would be hated by another group.

>> No.33369016

>>33368586
>Let she who does not like dick cast the first stone!
I think I'll need some sauce on this.

>> No.33369017

>>33368992
dirty nofun apologist, STOP TRIGGERING ME

>> No.33369020

>>33368962
Thank you, I try my hardest. I feel like my life has a meaning. Posting cheesy hentai quote crops on an anonymous image board.

>> No.33369107

>>33368586
>>33368586
>>33368586

>Hand-Holding

Disgusting deviants!

>> No.33369503

>>33363427
... so wait, you get chain reaction wizards?

>> No.33369649

>>33368455
that is fairly annoying

>> No.33369651

>>33369503
>chain lightning doesn't actually cast lightning
>it summons and throws pixie wizards who only know lightning spells and fling them around wildly on impact

>> No.33369726

>>33369651
this is why my wizard is being chases by pixie assassins

>> No.33369784

>group sneaks into the home of the suspected assistant to the BBEG
>get discovered by BBEG's assistant's assistant
>group leader attempts to intimidate with threats of physical violence; gets resisted hard
>instead of cowering in fear, the target starts flamboyantly fawning over the group and eventually passes out from over-excitement
>our resident idiot player asks if we just turned that dude gay; the other players just stare at him
>DM explains that the target NPC found the attempted intimidation arousing rather than scary due to how the threat was worded+the degree it was resisted, gives everyone the chance to look at his NPC notes, the NPC was legit gay in the first place
>we ask why that was part of the notes and he shrugged and said "Why not? It's usually irrelevant fluff but I decided to play off of it this time to mix things up a little."
>the idiot player still asks whether or not the party made someone gay that night, threatens to play the Magical Realm card
>DM tells the dude to chill out
>rest of the session drags on because idiot player won't shut the fuck up about Magical Realm
>DM has finally had enough and slams his hands on the table, stares the dude in the eye and gives nearly the same threat of physical violence
>idiot player shuts up for a moment
>DM pats him on the shoulder and says, "No homo"
>idiot player storms off

>> No.33369957

>>33369784
What was the threat?

>> No.33370029

>Nat 1
>you shot yourself with an arrow

And in the torso, too!

>> No.33370074

>>33369957
The character's threat was , "We will beat the shit out of you and lock your gagged body in a closet."
The DM's threat was, "I will beat the shit out of you if you don't shut the fuck up and get over it."

Not verbatim but close enough.

>> No.33370097

>>33370029
>character swiftly moves their arms into position to fire
>in a stunning moment of stupidity, they're holding the bow and arrow in the wrong hands, respectively, effectively holding the whole mess backwards
>fires without thinking

>> No.33370151

>>33368586
What's that one with the Saiga catgirl?

I'm intrigued...

>> No.33370199

>>33370151
http://g.e-hentai.org/g/525102/5d693eeb5b/

>> No.33370386

Nat 1 Use Magic Device

>> No.33370411

>>33368235
Thiiis wooorld mooves sooo slooowlyy.

>> No.33370439

>>33363347
>lipstick on a creature with no lips

I fucking hate when they do this

>> No.33370456

>>33370439
how else would you know its a female?
(pro tip, every single male on camera is wearing lipstick, otherwise their lips would look unnaturally pale in the strong floodlights used for filming)

>> No.33370462

>>33370439
I know right? Like, what does it stick to?

>> No.33370482

>>33370439
Well since lipstick is meant to emphasize the lips on a woman to remind a man about her labia, you should be asking yourself instead why a creature with no labia (presumably) would want lipstick at all.

>> No.33370496

>>33370482
Great theory.

>> No.33370500

>>33370439
that dragoness clearly has lips
if she didn't she would look like this
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/9c/Gulu_women_-_cut_lips.jpg

>> No.33370521

>>33370482
>Dragons don't have labia
oh, but they do anon, they do
don't make me post the pictures

>> No.33370529

>>33368586

Alright, what the hell is that pizza one from?

I've been curious every time it's posted, and I've never gotten an answer, nor can I find it myself.

>> No.33370536

>>33370482
Did you just make joints out of your psychology and sociology textbooks or what?

>> No.33370571

>>33370529
Im more curious about the threatened necrophilia right at the bottom. Any ideas?

>> No.33370580

>>33370521
Technically, they have Cloacas, but those are just lizard vaginas anyway.
Funny thing: That means you can fuck a male dragon without resorting to oral or anal.
However, your dicks will touch, so it's still gay.

>> No.33370586

>>33370500
>https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/9c/Gulu_women_-_cut_lips.jpg
HOLY GLOB.

Is that, like a punishment? Or is that some wacky wayside tribe's mandatory policy?

>> No.33370591

>>33370529

I'm curious too, but mostly because I already know most of the others.

.... Which, thinking on it, is actually kind of depressing.

>> No.33370637

>>33370591
you could feel better by identifying necrophilia for me

>> No.33370641

>>33370586
After neck stretching and ear hole widening, I can believe this.

>> No.33370659

>>33370580
>Technically, they have Cloacas, but those are just lizard vaginas anyway.
no, they fucking don't. because dragons aren't lizards
dragons don't actually exist, if they did exist they wouldn't be lizards either

>> No.33370681

>>33370637
"Kill you and fuck the body" is a meme at this point.
Good luck.

>> No.33370712

>>33370637

The kill you and fuck the body one? I'm pretty sure that's Photoshopped.

I vaguely remember another picture with different words on the pad being something different, and being told that was the original version.

>> No.33370718

>>33370681
Im aware its likely futile, thats why I was trying to get somebody else to do it for me

>> No.33370746

>>33370586
Their lips have been cutoff by the "Lord's Resistance Army" rebels in uganda to make an example out of them.
The LRA is a cult with an army in uganda congo and other neighboring african countries trying to seize control of the local governments and institute their "religion" which is just a plain old cult.
In addition to lip cutting they also operate a child sex slave ring and conscript child soldiers

So naturally the UN condemns israel 10 times a year but never gets around to saying or doing anything about them.
Nor would you ever hear about them in the news media of america or europe

>> No.33370760

nat 20 grapple

>> No.33370827

>>33370659
Well, they aren't amphibians, and I'm pretty sure they aren't birds, so what would they be?

>> No.33370828

>>33370746
Why would they condemn Israel, Uganda's in the heart of Africa, Israel is in the middle east. It'd be like blaming the guy down the street for fucking your pumkins.

>> No.33370829

>>33370746
I actually think I HAVE heard about them, but it was some years ago. I would have assumed that some sort of "killteam" purged them by now.

I'm generally pretty cynical, so the only thing I hate more than being right is being wrong.

>> No.33370838

>>33370760
What a weak excuse to post that.

>> No.33370862

>>33370838
It is, technically, on topic, even if it's shit.

>> No.33370866

>>33370199
Anthropomorphic assault rifles? Wat?

>> No.33370868

>>33370746
Because Israel is a big-boy country that we can hold to higher standards. They should have a sense of shame.

Ugandan Rebels don't have a sense of shame and don't care what the UN thinks of them.

You point about them not being newsworthy being bullshit is valid, though

>> No.33370873

>>33370521

do it faggot, you wont.

>> No.33370902

>>33370521

do it faggot, you wont.

Waiting intensifies

>> No.33370905

>>33370866
What, you never watched Uptotte?

>> No.33370937

>>33370827
They're vertebrates with six limbs, which I think disqualifies them from every current biological class, though I could be wrong.

>> No.33370960

Ok, I know they're the big boy country, but this is a map.
Again, how the hell is it their fault.

>> No.33370974

>>33370937
you are not wrong. you are absolutely right
the fact that they have 6 limbs is more bizzare and unlikely then them breathing fire

>> No.33370992

>>33370937
That somewhat depends on the breed of dragon, and what you consider a dragon.
Wyverns have the wings along the arms like some weirdass bird.
Eastern dragons don't even have wings, they're just some weird fucking sky snakes.

>> No.33371004

>>33369020
Be proud, anon. This one's just for you.
Although admittedly about half the ones added here are from the same comic. Extend Party was a goldmine.

>> No.33371018

>>33366191
She sounds pretty afraid.

>> No.33371024

>>33371004
jesus christ.

>> No.33371026

>try to throw a rock at the enemy
>Nat 1
>the rock stops immediately
>just keeps hanging in the air in front of you
>a portal opens, guy in toga jumps out
>looks at the rock, then at you, then back at the rock
>grumbles something, grabs the rock and returns to the portal
>all this is over in six seconds

>> No.33371054

>>33370828
They aren't condemning israel for the LRA's actions. They are pretending the LRA and other such things doesn't exist and focusing entirely on israel. They are pretty damn obsessed with it

>> No.33371067

>>33368173
Reported for lewds in a blue board, AT LEAST spoiler that shit, come on, it's not hard.

>> No.33371076

>>33371026
pls, anon
>You trip while throwing the rock, you bash your head on the hard floor and break your own neck

>> No.33371079

>>33371067
Is this better?

>> No.33371101

>>33371076
>>33371026

>Try to throw rock at the enemy
>Nat 2
>The rock stops immediately
>Shoots off to the west, shredding everything in its path as it goes until it eventually rockets up into the atmosphere and beyond
>Hangs in space until the next time the planet comes around, when it pastes some poor bastard's castle

>> No.33371127

>>33371101

Nat 1, rather

>> No.33371145

>try to throw rock at enemy
>Nat 14
>the rock hits the enemy

>> No.33371158

>>33371145
>>33371101
what happens on a nat19?

>> No.33371190

>>33371158
>try to throw rock at enemy
>Nat 19
>the rock hits the enemy

>> No.33371198

>>33371158
It hits them pretty well.

>> No.33371210

>>33371158
If it's a really, REALLY sharp rock, you can cause critical damage which results in hilarious d100-table roll which the party will remember forever.

>> No.33371231

>Try to throw rock at enemy
>Natural 4
> Mid throw, a huge orc jumps out of no where and slaps it out of the air
>REJECTED!

>> No.33371234

>>33371210
>Nat 100
>Nat 100
>The enemy is now diamonds.

>> No.33371237

>>33371210
>hilarious d100-table roll
oh look, i just remembered wild magic in baldurs gate.

you basically have to save scum as many wild surges are literal instant death, and many more are guaranteed death

>> No.33371264

>>33371237
>summon angels or whatever
>area of effect
>CHOO CHOO HERE COMES THE RAPE TRAIN

>> No.33371280

>>33371231
>Orc wags finger and retreats back into the bushes

>> No.33371310

>>33368181
I was attempting to clear a way once when guards surrounded me, just hit one so they'll back the fuck up and I can escape
rolled a twenty and I stuck my sword right through the guard's neck
she ended up being the beloved rookie and daughter of the guard captain

>> No.33371315

>>33366006
Nat 20 bluff, this was clearly an assassination attempt

>> No.33371340

>>33371280
>THE CROWD IS CHANTING MVP! MVP! MVP!

>> No.33371367

>>33371237
Wasn't that bad.

I once tried casting fireball and got a squirrel.
And an other time I cast magic missile and my character permanently turned orange.

But otherwise wild magic was fine so long as you didn't try to WILD SURGE magic your character had no legitimate way of normally casting.

>> No.33371542

Oh man some shit my Dm pulled on me.
>make a perception check to see what time of dawn it is and where the sun is
>Nat 1
>You think that the sun has exploded and are now panicking
Or better yet
>Elf chick casts charm on me
>nat 1
>You now want to marry her
Last nat 1
>Go to bash a dragon's skull in because archer shot holes in its wings
>nat 1
>you swing and miss, the Warhammer impacts on your knee and shatters it.
>I now can only move a max of 20 feet.

>> No.33371575

>>33371542
>Elf chick casts charm on me
>nat 1
>You now want to marry her
Wouldn't that be a nat 20?

>> No.33371595

>>33371575
I got a nat 1 on my resistance check.

>> No.33371596

>>33371575
I think he meant nat 1 to resist.

>> No.33371611

>>33371542
this reminds me of ogir civilization thread

>> No.33371697

>>33371542
ask your dm to stop or talk to him about it. these are all retarded

>> No.33371751

>>33368586
>To a scientist in love... ...there is no such thing as ethics.

That sounds like a great line for an antagonist.

>> No.33371779

>>33370637
It's 500 Septims for a second offence in Cyrodiil.

>> No.33371790

>>33371697
Nah, it's a pretty good time and he lets me get away with some shit, like owning a daemonhammer in a fucking Pathfinder campaign, that I can summon edolons with.

>> No.33371795

>>33371751
Or a hero trying to bring a loved one back.

Then again, same thing in some campaigns, eh?
... or Pokemon X/Y.

>> No.33371925 [DELETED] 

>sorcerer rolls for I-don't-remember-what aimed at the ogre's eyes
>20
>ogre becomes dizzy

>monk rolls for low kick aimed at ogre's ankles
>20
>the ogre's ankle makes a nasty crack and the ogre goes off-balance

>barbarian rolls for toppling the ogre over
>18
>the barbarian makes a bull rush at the supporting leg

>I, the fighter, roll for overhead swing aimed at the ogre's neck
>1
>almost chip my toes off

>> No.33371976

>>33371054
Well, Israel is bombarding people with artillery and assassinating people with helicopter strikes while aggressively settling outside their border like nobody's business.
That little turd of a nation is causing nonstop commotion since its founding and you wonder why a body that represents as many friends as enemies of Israel to act like a member state breaking all kinds of international law all the time can be just accepted?

Sure, rebels are a source of commotion as well, but the Westphalian system does not allow for states unaffected to do much about them when they are inside another sovereign state. The UN can't do squat about them unless they are invited in.

>> No.33372031

>me and two other friends enter this cave
>rouge fails his spot check
>we being retards just blindly walk through
>everyone but me fails the tumble roll and falls into a giant spiderweb
>i trip on the web but save myself by rolling
>give myself away by my squeaky shoes
>two ettercaps come to fuck my shit up
>they wrap webs around the torso of the other party members
>the party members both roll highest for initiative
>first guy rolls to break out
>nat 20
>"the web explodes killing the closest ettercap"
>sides are gone
>dm turns to other party member laughing and says
>"you can't beat that"
>party member never breaks eye contact with dm as he gets a nat 20
>he chokes out the ettercap
loving this campaign so far

>> No.33372050

>>33372031
>"you can't beat that"

Nat 20 with a higher bonus.

>> No.33372095

>>33371976
>Well, Israel is bombarding people with artillery
Israel never just "bombs people with artilary"
Rockets are fired across the border at israeli towns, and israel stops that by shelling the source of the rockets.

>assassinating people with helicopter strikes
killing enemy soldiers, or in this case terrorists, is not assassination.

>while aggressively settling outside their border like nobody's business.
1. it was in their border
2. people buildings homes isn't "settling outside their border".
3. israel's military actually rounded up all jews and forcibly removed them from "palastinian territories".
Normally this would be a crime against humanity, but it was done at the behast of the UN so its hailed as a great step towards peace and justice.

>> No.33372098

>>33371542
Yeah, my DM also did critical 20s and 1s like it.

>Make perception check to see into a dark cavern
>Nat 1
>There was a dragon, but you were staring at your feet, you don't go this round.

>Roll acrobatics to climb dragon
>Nat 20
>You get on top of the dragon's head

>Roll grapple on the dragon
>Nat 20
>You manage to pin down the dragon with your burly dwarven arms.

Sometimes it was pretty cool though:

>Fighting karken
>Decide hitting it with a lance and doing damage is boring in PF
>Decide to cast hydrophobia on Kraken
>DM nat 1s a resist
>Kraken is afraid of the water now and wants to get on land.

>> No.33372157

>>33372050
he did too, he had +2 to escape artist
needless to say it was fucking hilarious
later on i threw him off a mountain after he rolled a 1 on his grapple check

>> No.33372177

>>33372095
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-28279562

>However, the UN has estimated that 77% of the people killed in Gaza have been civilians.

JIDF please.

>> No.33372213

>>33372177
>BBEG comes into town
>Ends a lot of poverty
>makes life better
>All I want is your support
>And for your kids to come to my schools
>(So that they learn what I want them to learn)
>When war comes around
>Sorry guys, not enough room
>Gotta put my armory, barracks, and tanks into the schools, hospitals, and homes
>It's due to space
>Not so that people can't hurt you guys and my stuff at the same time
That's a basic run down of it.

>> No.33372238

>>33372095
Killing specii people for political reasons is by definition assassination.
And bombardment is bombardment, no matter the reason.

>> No.33372270

>>33372177
>Hamas, the terrorist organization AND the democratically elected government of gaza starts a war on israel by shooting rockets at civilian targets.
>Rockets emplacements placed as close as possible to civilian centers to use them as human shields
>A grand total of 88 civilians die in gaza in the process
>Total population is 1,816,379
>Death toll is a stagger 0.0048%
>Compared to every other war ever where civilian casualties are typically 20% of the population

>> No.33372280

>>33372238
>specii
this word is not in the dictionary
>killing for political reasons is assassination
except when you are killing enemy combatants, then its just war
>And bombardment is bombardment, no matter the reason.
defending against people who are trying to kill civilians is a great reason

>> No.33372311

Ok so who's ready to get back to talking about shit DMS and that sweet dragon pussy

>> No.33372468

>>33372311
I, for one, am a huge furfag and would love to talk about dragon vagina.
How many dragon vaginas would it take to end the war between Israel and Gaza?

>> No.33372485

>>33372280
>defending civilians
>by bombing the shit out of other civilians

I fail to see the appeal. Retaliation defends nobody. It just provokes more pathetic resistance (those missiles hardly ever hit anything, the Israeli artillery does).

>> No.33372509

>>33372468
It all depends on the use of dragon vagina

>> No.33372511

>>33372468
What those need is a scratcher to scrape the sand from their collective vaginas.

>> No.33372537

>>33372485

They should settle it with a game of basketball.

>> No.33372561

>>33372468
I don't think it's about the vagina alone, it's more about the thing it's attached too.
How many dudes can a dragon fuck before succumbing to wounds?

>> No.33372599

>>33372485
no you mongoloid, by bombing only the rockets shelling civilians.
it just so happens that civilians are also being caught in it because precision weapons are not perfectly precise and the people actually TRYING to shell civilians (hamas) are actively using civilians as human shields (a war crime)

>> No.33372609

>>33372468
the "conflict" is that israel constantly has to defend itself it from assaults on its civilian population.
note how egypt-israel hostilities completely ended once egypt learned its lesson and stopped attacking israel.

>> No.33372684

>>33372485
Israel didn't "retaliate" against civilian killing with civilian killings, if it did the death toll would be 100%. (blow up water infrastructure, its a desert!)
It retaliated against civilian killing by attacking the military targets who are doing the civilian killing. And it does so with more care then any other country in human history (see actual percentage of population killed compared to every other war in history).

>> No.33372696

>>33369016
i think it was one about a crossdressing maid who had to avoid being found out
don't remember title but that might be enough to go on
there's a thread for it in the back-annals (heh) of desuchan's trap board

>> No.33372706

>>33372609
So we offer them dragon vaginas to Gaza if they agree to stop attacking Israel.
I'll get Bad Dragon on the phone.

>"SIR! We need 200,000 dragon vaginas as soon as humanly possible!"
>"Is FA having another convention?"
>"No sir, we're offering them to Gaza in the hopes they stop attacking Israeli civilians."
>"Eh, better than the dumb shit you've been trying so far."

>> No.33372715

Come to /tg/ for the first time in months and this is the first thing I see. You fucking guys.

>> No.33372716

Took you long enough to derail the thread, /tg/.

>> No.33372719

>20 on bluff
>you convince yourself you were the captain of the guard all along
>roll a new character

for the record I don't think this actually happened to anyone ever and I want to punch my DM every time he brings it up when we ask why he has a habit of punishing us for rolling nat 20s

>> No.33372723

>>33372609
So... you're implying that Israel doesn't occupy land that previously belonged to Palestinians for several centuries and is building settlements outside its internationally recognised borders?

Because as far as aggression goes, that's pretty high up on the scale.

>> No.33372730

>>33370500
>https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/9c/Gulu_women_-_cut_lips.jpg

JESUS CHRIST HOW HORRIFYING

>> No.33372731

I'm pretty sure we talked about the donkey seducing the dragon in shrek in an on-topic way.
Thus, dragon vaginas are perfectly on-topic.

>> No.33372734

>>33372715
>>33372716

Screencap mind.

>> No.33372744

>>33372706
So we giving them the whole dragon, or like a fake dragon slit? Cause
>Thanks for the dragon, now, WHO WANTS TO JOUST THE DRONES?

>> No.33372778

>>33372744
If Bad Dragon sold whole dragons, I would be a poor yet happy man.

>> No.33372792

>>33372778
Why'd you be poor? You'd have a dragon, you could do whatever/who ever the fuck you wanted. But then everyone else would have a dragon...

>> No.33372883

>>33372792
I would be hiding on an island off the coast of somewhere living out my days with my dragon while playing cutesy korean mmos with my satellite internet extorted from the nearest village.

>> No.33372911

>>33370500
>https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/9c/Gulu_women_-_cut_lips.jpg
goddamn it Africa

>> No.33372912

>>33372723
>So... you're implying that Israel doesn't occupy land that previously belonged to Palestinians for several centuries and is building settlements outside its internationally recognised borders?
the shit is strong with you

>1948 UK leaves the area (which they previous conquered from ottomans). Local population is 1/3rd jew 2/3rd arab. UN splits land 1/4th for jews, 3/4th arab. Arabs get all the settled lands where both live. jews get swamps where noone lives.
this so called "conquered land" was of mixed population.
>next day - all 5 surrounding nations declare a jihad against israel, stating they will kill every jew there. warning local arabs to flee lest they get killed too in the fighting.
>Isreal wins at staggering death toll. All arabs that stayed in local area got full israel citizenship with equal rights, their descendants are now 1/4th of israel's population and hold 1/4th of the israeli senate
>Arabs who escaped to other countries mostly got absorbed, except for two nearby countries who instead put them in concentration camps in the locations of the west bank and gaza strip (that one was by egypt)
>Egypt names those arabs palastinian after the british name of the region. Brutally suppresses them
>Generation later Egypt invades israel, loses gaza strip, suez canal, sini peninsula (oil wells)
>Egypt agrees to peace in return for all territories, especially oil wells, refuses the return of gaza, insisting israel keep it
>Gaza invaded by foreign islamist terrorist groups who take over using violence and fear and begin indoctrinating the locals.
>Constant terrorist attacks from gaza
>Israel, unilaterally withdraws
>Israeli army forcibly rounds up and relocates all jews from "arab territories" at demand of UN (even though they have lived there for generations too)
>Israel bans jews from building homes in so called "conquered territories"
Do you see USA banning americans from building homes in texas since its "mexican territory"?

>> No.33372913

>>33372883
But then there's no fucking point to it if you're not using you majestic steed to terrorize that village!

>> No.33372918

>>33370974
I've gone over this in my head (more than I would like to admit) But I can't think of how the skeleton would be structured in a traditional six limbed dragon to allow for a ball socket type joint for the wings without getting in the way of the shoulderblades of the front limbs( impeding movement of front limbs) any solutions?

>> No.33372945

>>33372918
what if there are two ball socket joints that share a shoulder blade? this means the dragon cannot move his arms without moving his wings, and vice versa. so while flying the front arms are flapping up and down comically?

>> No.33373013

>>33366360

Here's the story of how I got a crit success on intimidate without rolling.

>My character is basically pic related
>Plan on infiltrating military base, provoke a small attack so we can get uniforms and IDs.
>Kill all but 2 of them, have one tied to a chair.
>"We're gonna be infiltrating your base, so what we need is passwords, security codes, names of your superior officers, patrol schedules, and... do you know morse code?"
>"What?"
>"Morse code. do you know it."
>"Yeah, why?"
>"It'll make it a lot easier to beg for death after what we'll do to you if we don't get what we need."
>Table goes silent.
>He tells us what we need to know.

>> No.33373018

>>33372945
> all dragons permanently loiding out.

Not sure if this is a good or bad thing

>> No.33373055

>>33373018
>to open (a locked door) by sliding a thin piece of celluloid or plastic between the door edge and doorframe to force open a spring lock.
...
So all dragons are lockpickers?

>> No.33373080

>>33367636
Can someone explain me what's going on in this image?

>> No.33373097

>>33373080
They were shooting the gun and it exploded which someone made a gif of.
Then someone else reversed the gif so it looks like the gun springs into their hands and assembles itself.

>> No.33373105

>>33373080

It's in reverse. The weapon actually exploded in his hands while he was firing.

>> No.33373114

>>33373080
A guy was trying to impress a dragon by showing off his gun magic

>> No.33373117

>rolling toremember a detail from your past
>peggy sue up in this bitch

>> No.33373123

>>33373097
>>33373105
Oh, I see. The movement was just too jiggety for an in-reverse .gif, so I thought something else was going on.

>> No.33373134

>>33373055
Friends and I frequently referred to acting really physically retarded as 'loiding out' (as in mongoloid)

>> No.33373158

>>33373134
Damn it man, I wanted to see some spy dragons.

>> No.33373177

>>33373158

>> No.33373317

>>33373177
I'm going to need to see some scales first, Mr... Medic was it?

>> No.33373526

>>33370586
>>33370746

I have a friend who does some mission work in Uganda on a semi-regular basis.

He says that he has seen lots of women in the women's shelters there who have had lips, ears and noses cut off all at once. It is a double blow to them, because after the anguish of having them cut off their disfigurement it also makes them social outcasts and makes it very difficult for the young women to find a husband to have a future with.

>> No.33373563

>>33373526
Burn it all. Just torch the whole damn continent and start over.

>> No.33373713

>>33366150
>Not using Grail-kun for Nat 1 on Wish
For Shame

>> No.33373981

>>33362623
>This thread again
No one fucking does this. No one. Out of all the GM's I've played under, not one has been retarded about this.

Who the fuck are you people playing with?

>> No.33374090

>>33372719
You should never be punished for a nat 20. A nat 20 means you completed the task perfectly not that you over-did it.

>> No.33374157

>>33374090
Unless... of course, the intended action was utterly retarded, like, "I roll to disfigure the corpse of the queen, so when the king finds it he'll get mad at us and send his whole army, so we can loot them"

>> No.33375218

>>33362623
>look mom, i posted it again!

>> No.33375258

>Roll Sleight of Hand to pickpocket
>Nat 1
>"You accidentally slip your hand into his back and pull out his spine."

>> No.33375305

>say "there is no dark lord about to destroy the world" to no one in particular
>roll to bluff
>say it again and again until natural 20
>it becomes true
>the world is saved
Rules are the physics of the game world. If one in twenty actions of any kind had bizarre reality-warping results, people would know about that.

>> No.33375329

>>33362623
>intimidate check
>roll 20
>with bonuses and ranks the intimidate is over 80

>> No.33375350

>>33366006
What's happening here? Why did he fall over? (maybe it was a good thing he did)

>> No.33375691

>>33375329
>You have evoked a magnitude of fear within your target comparable to exposure to an Outer God.

>> No.33375703

>>33372912
>the shit is strong with you

Oh the irony.

>> No.33375788

>>33375350
Looks like he got hit in the nuts real hard.

>> No.33375842

>>33362623
>Intimidation check
>20+9
>"As they surrender they are all killed by a strange black smoke."

>> No.33376241

>>33370746
Does Kony have nukes now? I think the UN might care slightly more about people with nukes

>> No.33376271

>>33368176
How do you explain his head being full of shit then?

>> No.33376451

>>33375691
That guy looks like he's from Innsmouth.

>> No.33377232

>>33376241
> Kony

Nigga what are you doing?

>> No.33377340

>>33372095
> Rockets are fired at israeli settlements.
> not mentioning that said rockets are stopped by Iron Dome system literally (up til now) 100% of the time
> not mentioning said settlements are identified by the UN as illegal and in breach of Palestine's right to have land as a country

JIDF pls go

>> No.33377420

>>33362623
I never allow that shit for a very specific reason.

Take 20.

>> No.33377481

>>33363792
Ironically, that can (and has) happened in game.

Roll non-lethal damage in Pathfinder. If you deal something like double their HP+Con score, you can kill with non-lethal. If you crit with an attack, you deal more damage.

So if you roll high enough for damage after rolling a cirt on a non-lethal attack, it is perfectly possible, and even likely (if you are a martial speced for high damage) to kill.

>> No.33377488

>>33363304
I'd say that the first time he fails on a jump check to leap a chasm, he's got deeper problems.

>> No.33377493

>>33377340
>9 hours without a post on the subject
>bring up the issue again with hurr hurr durr durr pls go
fuck you and die in a fire bitch

>> No.33377516

>>33370482
[Citation needed.]

>> No.33377574

>>33377516
Pretty large volume of information on the subject, bro. Lips are a strong breeding cue. Pale-skinned people have red lips, but darker-skinned people can't display the red color as easily, so their lips are bigger to keep attention focused on them.

Not any of those other anons btw.

>> No.33377584

>>33370746
>Nor would you ever hear about them in the news media of america or europe
We heard about them a whole lot in 2012. Or, rather, you heard a whole bunch of people yelling about how "KONY 2012" was a hoax, or a scam, or Kony wasn't a thread anymore, or how it was something that white people had no business being concerned about.

>> No.33377600

>>33369784
>DM pats him on the shoulder and says, "No homo"

>> No.33377617

>>33377584
kony 2012 was not exactly a hoax, nor a scam, but it was extremely stupid.
The crux of it was that they raised funds to give to give weapons to kony's 2 major enemies. both of which have been guilty of exactly the same crimes as him.

>> No.33378779

>>33371079
This shit is meant to be WORK SAFE.
Fuck you guys.
All reported.

>> No.33378858

>>33371280
chuckled/10

>> No.33378954

>>33370199
Someone needs to show this to /k/ stat

>> No.33380239

> a superhero system where you get new powers based on natural 20s and what skill you were attempting to usd

>> No.33380633

>party meets at an inn

>> No.33382303

>>33365759
where is this from?

>> No.33382571

>>33373981
Guys who play DnD as a Beer and Pretzels game, like Monopoly or Ygdrassil.

Basically the rare breed of fratboy who thought his nerdy brother's baby was cool.

>> No.33382773

>>33362623

>Diplomacy
>Natural 1

>> No.33382975

>>33373981
I've been in a game where the GM did stupid shit on nat 1's and 20's

>> No.33383014

>>33377481
Just double their HP. Deal their max HP in non-lethal and they're knocked out no matter what and you start dealing lethal damage

>> No.33385017

>Nat 1 throwing javelin
>headshot yourself

>> No.33387298

>>33363301
>In a game, there should be. Otherwise there's no element of gambling and excitement. If you know what's going to happen, you shouldn't even bother.
>Make a reflex save
>roll a 20
>you dodge reality and are now stranded on the astral plane
>If you think this is stupid you're boring.

>> No.33388017

>>33365503

>this is the coolest thing.

>> No.33388125

>>33366634
Really? You can see it grow when the gif loops.

>> No.33388378

>>33362623
I would be overjoyed if this happened regardless of context

>> No.33389066

>>33370746
>The LRA is a cult with an army in uganda congo and other neighboring african countries trying to seize control of the local governments and institute their "religion" which is just a plain old cult.
>In addition to lip cutting they also operate a child sex slave ring and conscript child soldiers
>So naturally the UN condemns israel 10 times a year but never gets around to saying or doing anything about them.

Except for the implementation of the African Union-led Regional Cooperation Initiative against the LRA, including the expansion of current disarmament, demobilization, repatriation, resettlement and reintegration activities to cover all LRA-affected areas, plus the promotion of a coordinated humanitarian and child protection response in all LRA-affected areas and lending support to LRA-affected governments in the fields of peacebuilding, human rights, rule of law and development, so as to enable them to establish state authority throughout their territory.

But go on, tell us how the UN is picking on Israel.

>> No.33389157

>>33362623

>> No.33390263

>>33389066
>Throughout its history, the LRA has been known for its atrocities – including the abduction and forced recruitment of children, rape, amputations and murder. This was the LRA’s modus operandi in Uganda from the 1980s until it was forced out by the national army in 2004, and when it later spread its terror to the neighbouring Democratic Republic of the Congo and South Sudan as well as to the Central African Republic.
>In late 2011, the UN Security Council requested UNOCA, in coordination with the UN Office to the African Union, to work with UN entities and the African Union to develop a regional strategy on the LRA.
it only took
According to the UN, it only it 30 years to decide to even look into the whole LRA thing.
Source, the UN itself:
http://www.un.org/wcm/content/site/undpa/main/enewsletter/news0612_lra

>> No.33390330

>>33390263
to be fair, the LRA is basically doing the same thing as the UN itself
just google for "UN sex scandal" and you would see countless examples of UN "peacekeeping" operations devolve into child rape camps

>> No.33391047

>>33390330
What's the point of diplomatic immunity if you can't rape sexy lolis?

>> No.33392312

>>33374090
It's valid for any action to have unintended consequences. The problem is when the intended scope of the action is ignored. A nat 20 should almost never diminish the player's control over their character.

>> No.33392505

>DMing a fairly serious game
>Find an abandoned church
>Ranger shoots arrow from afar to check if somethings inside
>Nat 20
>Absolutely murders a blade of grass
>Necromancer is looking for things to resurrect
>Attempts to resurrect blade of grass out of boredom
>Nat 20
>Grass comes to life as incredibly racist hispanic NPC
>They send him to murder two ancient wyrm black dragons
>I roll to see how he does rather than act out combat with myself away from players
>Nat 20
>.....nah thats bullshit lemme roll D100
>Nat 100
>.....nah thats bullshit lemme roll that again
>Nat 100
>.....the undead blade of grass returns with two ancient wyrm heads on a silver platter
>Becomes stable NPC character
>Dies in combat a month later and the whole party holds memorial services for him

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