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/tg/ - Traditional Games


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[ERROR] No.30565717 [DELETED]  [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

Kharn - when he isn't busy taking off your arm - is a pretty great guy, despite his nickname. Hell, he even helped me find my arm afterwards, and we had an arm fight with another limb he found that looked like mine. He won, of course, but we had fun and got some skulls for Khorne, and that's what matters.

Anyway, there is one guy Kharn absolutely will always try to kill, and that's Erebus of the Word Bearers. I don't know what the grudge is between the two, but if Kharn hears Erebus is on the same planet as him, he will go beserk. Even more berserk than usual, I mean. So there I was in the Eye of Terror, waiting for somebody to get a Black Crusade or a raiding party together, when I see Kharn waving me over.

"What can I do for you, blood-brother?" I say. Kharn laughs when I call him this, I don't know why. He slaps me on the back and I have to pick myself off the ground, then we chest-bump. Finally, Kharn speaks.

"Erebus is nearby. I can smell him." Now, Kharn does have an inside voice, when he needs one. Needless to say, he hardly ever needs one. We smile and bro-fist, because honestly Erebus is a prick and I hate him too. "Follow me," he whispers, so only people within twenty meters can hear.

So we sneak around by murdering anyone who sees us and looks scared, which means anyone who sees us generally. We come across a group of Chaos Cultists, and Kharn must've smelled Erebus again because he starts yelling.

"EREBUS! COME OUT AND FACE ME, COWARD!" he says, slicing off three dudes' heads in one swipe. I'm screaming 'Blood for the Blood God!' but you can't hear me over Kharn's bellowing.

>> No.30565774

I don't know if you've ever been around Kharn when he's skull harvesting, but the dude is LOUD. It's inspirational, really. I've seen Noise Marines ask him to bring it down a notch, shortly before getting their guitar-guns smashed over their head as Kharn rages on, oblivious to their requests.

We massacre the cultists, as you do, until there's one left. Kharn quits yelling and I do too, since it's kind of awkward being the only guy yelling, you know? Anyway, this last cultist is crying his damned head off, uttering blasphemous prayers to dread entities whose True Names shall not be known by mortal kin until the Breaking of the Circle, as is typical for a cultist, and Kharn walks calmly up to him, as quiet as can be. He bends down, until he's right in front of the guys face. Now the cultist's back is against a wall, his tears and snot are splashing on Kharn's faceplate as he blubbers, but eventually the cultists stops crying out of sheer terror. Kharn nods to him, thanking him for his silence.

"Be very very quiet." says Kharn. "We're hunting Erebus."

I can't help it. I snorted, and tried to laugh quietly. Then Kharn gives off a low staccato growl which is the closest to a laugh he can manage these days. Hell, even the cultist joins in after a minute.

Then Kharn takes the cultist and knocks me senseless with him, pulping his skull and spraying blood everywhere. I lost track of him after that. Good times.

>> No.30566004

Does anyone have that Chenkov 'send in the next wave' story? I think it was against 'nids. I laugh every time I see it

>> No.30566045

Commisar Doge, please shoot this heritic. His unfunny might be catching.

>> No.30566121

> Comedy

>> No.30566296

>>30566045

>> No.30566421

>>30566045

>> No.30567420

>>30566296
Hilarious. Never saw this one before.

>> No.30568026

>BROTHER APOTHECARY.
"Yes, brother Dreadnaught?
>DO YOU KNOW WHY THE ADEPTUS SORORITAS AND THE SALAMANDERS DO NOT OFTEN ASSOCIATE WITH ONE ANOTHER?
"I am afraid I do not possess that knowledge, honored elder."
>IT IS BECAUSE THEY CANNOT AGREE WHO IS MORE FLAMING.
"...Brother Dreadnaught, were you implying that the faithful Sisters of Battle and the sons of Vulcan are homosexuals?"
>YES, APOTHECARY.
"I greatly enjoyed your jest, entombed one."
>YOU ARE WELCOME. NOW COME, THERE ARE XENOS TO PURGE.

>> No.30568850

>> No.30569082

>> No.30573840

No jokes for the joke god? No laughs for the laugh throne?
For shame, /tg/, for shame.

>> No.30574103

>>30573840
but, anon, the entire setting is already a massive joke

>> No.30577744

"Excuse me, Brother Marius, would you mind answering a few questions for the planetary news agency?"
>NONE AT ALL CITIZEN. ASK AWAY.
"Do you believe that Abaddon the Despoiler is the biggest threat the Imperium faces at the moment?"
>NO, CITIZEN. HE DOES NOT WORRY THE BROTHERS OF THE ADEPTUS ASTARTES.
"Why, Brother Marius? Does he not lead the largest band of heretics in the galaxy?"
>YES, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN THE MAN? HE'S QUITE 'ARMLESS.
GUFFAW

>> No.30577962

Wow
many hereteks
prepare to die
muh empra
9/10 would deliver unto you tha empra's fury

>> No.30578082

>> No.30578283

>>30578082
i knew what i was getting into, i knew where it was going... but i still read it.

>> No.30578402

>>30565717

>That Image
Would cuddle then be shot.

>> No.30578503

>>30569082
Wait, is that meant to be Typhus from the Death Guard? I don't think I'm ever going to get the idea of senile old Typhus out of my head now.

>> No.30578628

>>30578503
Or just a Typhus that has no idea what the fuck is with the naming process.

>> No.30578648

>>30568026
10/10 shamelessly laughed
Pic related, techpriests discussing the adepta sororitas.

>> No.30578726

>>30578082
>was there a sudden discount on Lictor Snacks and my Seneschal did not properly inform me so that I might corner the market and make a profit?
Every fucking time, /tg/

>> No.30581304

There was this one time where one of my Sturmtruppen (German because KRIEG), was killed by a Grot.

Mainly because his Plasma Gun 'sploded in his face.

>> No.30582027

>>30566421
Is there an adeptus astartes version?

>> No.30584165

>>30581304
That reminds me of a risk/odds assessment I did for my friend using a severly-wounded Kharn. It made more sense for him not to fire his plasma pistol if his only target was grots (3 pts/each) b/c of the outside risk of him wounding himself with an overheat. He fired anyway and died.

>> No.30587927

>> No.30589313

>>30582027
Chaos astartes. I haven't seen a loyalist one.

>> No.30589403

>>30589313
There's also this.

>> No.30589414

>>30589403
And this one too.

>> No.30589506

In the puffed out darkness of the far future there is only... weed.

>Toke Marines
>Sistaz'o'ganja
>Orkz - Smokah boyz
>Stonecrons
>Sau'ber empire
Chaos druglords
>Khorne the Cokelord
>Slanesh the prince of Ecstasy
>Tzeentch the Acid one
>Nurgle the Meth-head

>> No.30589582

>>30589506
If anything, Nurgle should be about weed. He is just a big, fat lazy slob who sits around all day brewing up new strains.

>> No.30589659

Considering Meth makes one rot - we found it rather close to the concept of Nurgle.

>> No.30589709

>>30589659
So does Heroin. It also makes one lazy and lethargic.

>> No.30589896

>>30589709
what about Krokodil?

>>
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