/tg/ - Traditional Games

>Detect Evil

Open a singularity in the general vicinity of his crotch.

>>30232826

Kneel down in reverence before the Lord of Mankind.

Also my GF:s ass is now a holy relic, which is a nice bonus.

>>30232826
Wait and see if my GF is about to become a Primarch's mother. Naturally I'd petition to get custody because I'd be a better father figure.

>>30233005
>implying it won't be Angron

Good luck, nerd.

>/tg/
>having a girlfriend

Pick one.

>>30233024
>tfw no cavalier gf

>>30233024
>>/tg/
>>having a girlfriend
>Pick one.
I fall into this category. So, wait til the dream shifts to something else, idk.

Bro fist him.

Roll initiative

>>30233034
2d and your hands don't count

>>30233016
If it is Angron, then I simply won't apply for custody. I win either way.

>>30232826
>immanent threesome with a master of biomancy
Could this day get any better!

Mourn my late girlfriend, since a smack from a 580lb guy with that sword is pretty much a OHK for a 5'2" skinny lass.

>implying it wouldn't be your honour and duty to serve the Emperor in any way you can
Her arse is yours, your highness. Enjoy.

Laugh at his cosplay from a shitty setting for an over-priced army men game.

>>30233117
>laughing at a ten foot man deranged enough to build a giant costume

Are you insane, m8?

>>30233128
He's most likely a skinny nerd on stilts, all the better to push him over.

Plud I sometimes have a deathwish.

>>30233117

>>30233136

>Plud I sometimes have a deathwish.

Bleeding edge.

Call up my bud Horus

>>30232983
>tfw you will never tap the Most Holy Booty now
>Ecclesiarchy has taken it out of your GF and put it on display on a shrine world
>such is life in the 41st millenium

>Emperor of Mankind emasculating me and stealing my woman

He's testing you you fools. You have to defend what is yours else he will give up on you and leave you to chaos.

Joke on him, my girlfriend is a chaos cultist, he just became an heretic.

That guy is also a cockless, now asexual, virginmutant, so I wouldn't care that much about it.

He also only hangs around with guys and kills sexy slaaneshi sluts he sees, so he's also a obvious homosexual and not a threat to my sexual fulfillment.

>>30233256
Pretty sure the Emperor's dick was so tremendous and virile that he spontaneously created the Primarchs by jerking off via superparthenogenesis, nigga

>girlfriend is dead because golden elephant crushed her on the side of the bar
h-happy valentine's day

>>30232826
Rebel.

He'll just run off to his throne like a bitch

>>30232826
Trick's on you, anon - I don't have a gf!

You're in the golden throne room with your Emperor when a girl smacks his ass. What do you do?

>>30233214
This.

The Emps is a fucking lord of biomancy who could spontaneously create his own harem of tall busty super-waifus at a whim. He doesn't need some random faggot's pleb gf.

>>30233360
/thread

>>30233310

god emperor of mankind slaps your right hand on the ass, what do you do?

>>30233016
Still better than Emps. At least there is a chance of him not being angry for being taken from his last stand.

>>30233477
Ask him to purge whatever chaos has given my right hand an ass.

Why didn't he smack my ass? I'm cute... Fucking GF stealing my ass-smack.

>10'7", 580 lbs
I thought the Emprah was suppose to be buff.

According to these stats he sounds like a skinny punk, no wonder he got his ass beat.

>>30232826

I do as my GF suggests and invite him for a threesome.

>pic related is my GF

>>30234888
>Big E will never smack your ass

>>30235724
big E givin the big D

>>30233163
But my girlfriend IS Horus.

So if the emprah was really born 8 millenia BC, was he a 10 feet tall caveman ?

>>30235854
Nah. He was actually a 5'something little brown dude of a prehistoric race who is totally unspectacular looking.

He's also a psyker who can shoot supernova mind bullets, so making a 10ft tall superhuman appearance is trivial for him.

>>30235877
>appearance
BAH!

With all the pre-Horus Heresy technology at his disposal, it was nothing for the Emperor to turn himself into a 10 ft tall superhuman.

>>30233325
BURN THE HERETIC

>bf works at a restaurant and is working today

i cant wait to tell him who smack my ass today

>>30235877
He was just hiding his powerlevel.

>>30232826
Call an ambulance, an ass-smack from Emps would shatter anyone's pelvis.

>>30235877
>emperor
>brown
The only brown people in 40k are Salamanders.

>>30233325
Inform his brides.

>>30235877
Actually he's a collection of ancient brown manlets, that fused together as super captain planet to put chaos' daemons at bay.

>>30233190
I think it's sad that this looks better than the real Goblins.

I slap Malcador's ass. That'll show him.

>>30233189

Or Tryzan comes for it

>>30233005
> because I'd be a better father figure.

>>30233256
The dude has thousands of kids, brah.

Scrape my shattered girlfriend off the wall?

>>30233223
what makes you think the emperor didnt destroyed her ass when she smacked her?

I bow before the emperor of mankind and only hope my girlfriends ass is transferred to a world so that a great shrine that will encompass said planet be built and shrine world is birthed for my girlfriends holiest of asses.

Ave Imperator, May the god-king rule mankind forever.

Sobbing, I scrape her splattered remains off the bar and floor and wall and ceiling.

Patrons laugh.

God-Emperor laughs.

I get really angry and go to punch him in his stupid glowing face but spaghetti falls out of my pockets.

Everyone laughs harder.

I run out with some of my girlfriend's arm and torso, spaghetti trailing behind.

>>30243508
It's hard to top Emps for shitty parenting.

>>30232826
Call 911 and try to collect all the pieces of my GF's ass that has been eviscerated and thrown across the restaurant.

Assuming she wasn't vaporized, I'm not entirely sure what I COULD do. I mean, he's a physical god. What are you going to do, break your hand at him? I suppose I'd sort of passive-aggressively imply he's a dick, if I could without weeping at his beauty and falling on my face in awe.

If the Emperor wants to fuck your girlfriend, there isn't terribly much you can DO about it.

>>30232960
So you ask your girlfriend to suck his dick?

>>30248746
Well, to be fair, if God wants to fuck your girlfriend, isn't that kind of an honor?

>>30232826
Why would I be afraid of some punkass who doesn't even have a warhammer?

>>30248992
Because he's a wizard on the level of a Slann?

Slap his ass, its only fair.

He'd probably be into it.

>see this thread in the catalog
>expect to see a long list of identical posts of people declaring what an honor that would be
>possibly one or two pictures of commissars but hopefully none
>instead, only like 4 guys said that

I am legit ashamed

>>30232826
Call arbitres to fight this delusional demon of Slaanesh

>>30232826
Look at him and since he slapping my GF ass would kill her, he's now my GF.
THAT IS THE RULE OF NATURE.
YOU KILL IT STOLE IT'S POWERS.

>>30251832
>YOU KILL IT STOLE IT'S POWERS.
Was your girlfriend's power to satisfy you sexually?

If so, then he stole nothing. He had that power all along.

>>30232826
Make an fuss about it so police is forced to intervene, and get the hell out of there before police tries to arrest him.
Then I would just wait for military and possibly nukes to end his life as situation would escalate.

>>30251847
Negative.
My girlfriend power is to not exist, in any reality or fantasy or explotation of time, for it is >tfwnogf.

>>30251861
He has that power too.

>>30251872
daily reminder of >tfwnogf.

>>30251860
>implying the cops wouldn't just leave and completely forget the incident

>>30251832
>THAT IS THE RULE OF NATURE.

RULES OF NATURE!

>>30251847
>pubescent/post-pubescent girl
>"Loli"

U sum kinda poof, m8?

>>30232826

I scream:
>Blessed be the emprah, and the shapelly buttocks of my gf he just blessed

>>30233084
Even if its Angron I think that non forcing rage induced implants in his brain and forcing him to be gladiator might somewhat change the way he grows up.

>>30232826
Not to terribly worried. My GF would probably just muster up highschool band director-levels of rage and bitchslap him into the next millennium.

Slap his arse right back. I bet he has a nice pair of firm buttocks.ripe for a-smacking.

"SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE"
he either kills me or Khorne's favor will shine on me, either way I honor the gods.

>>30252004
>And then the Emperor gaveth a hearty laugh as the wench broke her pitiful little knuckles on his mighty armor.

>>30252241
You underestimate the power of pissed band director. If you've even made on mad, you'd know that even living gods and drill instructors shutter at the thought.

>>30252260
They cover a window with a shutter?

Joke's on him, I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! HAH!


Oh.

>>30252279
Yes, to try to stop the music stand from flying through it.

It doesn't work.

>>30252450
Well, now you don't have a hand, either.

>>30232826
Dad!?

>>30252525
The real reason behind the Horus Heresy? Emps slapped the asses of every traitor Primarch's gf.

Holy shit. If even the emperor hits on my gf that must mean that somehow I have ended up with a demigodess of beauty!

>>30252562
I wonder what a primarch's gf would be like.
And how Angron could have one.

>>30232826
Get a new gf because he probably just turned her to jelly

>>30252623
Yeah, past tense, because she's gone now.

If you're a grill, does that mean he slaps your bf's ass?

>>30252735
It means he slaps your ass, clearly.

>>30252735
I need to know this for.....reasons.

>>30252744
Now we're talking. Though that'll probably lead to a life of martyrdom.

>>30252753
Well, if your pelvis is still intact after the slap, then sure.

>>30252771
Or a very short life of martyrdom as you bleed out on the floor

>>30252670
She'd probably be a serious grump.

>>30252735
>>30252747
If you're a grill, he puts his hands in your skirt

>>30252792
Yeah, but the guy has anger management issues. I think her being a grump would end in her being a grumpy smear.

>>30232826
>580 lbs
Huh, for some reason I always the armor was pure adamantium, steel and the heaviest elements present at construction

>>30252842
Just assume he left out a zero.

>>30252803
Clearly, she was the only one able to calm him down, but then the Emperor slapped her ass and reenacted an NTR doujin in front of him and he turned to Khorne.

>>30253114
I can dig it. Khorne replaced his gf with a murder gf and gave him loads of murder stuff to murder things with

>>30253374
>mfw Khornate daemon princes totally get those

Now that the Emperor has stolen your gf and thoroughly emasculated you, the Ruinous Powers see an opportunity.
To weaponize your new-found hatred of the Emperor and enlist you as an ally in the Materium, they each offer to replace your gf with one of their own creation, as well as giving you the gifts and powers associated with their respective portfolios depending on the allegiance you choose.
Beware the enmity of the gods you slight, Anons!

Which Chaos gf do you choose?

>>30253839
To take on the Imperium and the other gods' factions, I'll need some seriously devious planning and preptime.

I choose Tzeentch gril.

>>30253839

I still pine for the dating sim that could be but never was.

>>30253839
Tough choice.

>>30253839
Khorn & Khornette, no contest

>>30253839
There is only one answer.

>>30253839

>Tzeentch
>Has tail feathers

Shame she isn't a proper bird, beak and all.

>>30254013

My malicious nigga.

>>30253839

>tfw no Chaos Undivided gf

Daemonette. Who doesn't want a girlfriend with both a dick and a vagina?

>>30253839
Obvious answer

>>30254106

>Chaos Undecided can't even decide between a dick and a vagina

Typical.

>>30253839
Khornette, but only if we spill the blood of our enemies and not each other. Otherwise, Nurglette.

>>30254187
>even contemplating homiciding your gf

Pretty scummy, Anon. Maybe you should pick Tzeentch.

>>30254165

>Not wanting both

Variety is the spice of life.

Id awaken the closest tombworld or spray some tyranid psychic jizz on him.

>>30232826
Soon as I deal with his prettyboy entourage...

>>30254207

>Pink woman with a dick
>Variety

>>30254295

>Pink woman with a dick AND a vagina
>Can be any type of dick/vagina
>You'll never blow a load in the same hole twice

>>30254310

>Tzeentch
>Can change into a bird

I win.

>>30254334

>Fucking a bird

Furfag, please go

>>30254342
>bird
>fur

>>30232826
>10'7", 580 lbs
I can't read stupid land measurements, where's the metric.

HA! I have a CC permit, so fuck him!

*BLAM* Dead Emperah.

>>30232826
Watch him disintegrate to the ground because he is dead.

>>30253839
Wow, Khornette is kind of a qt3.14, though I'd probably go for Tzeenchette because I'm not angry enough for Khornette and the tzeench one would probably make for the best conversation out of the lot of them.

>>30254591

Google is your friend

>>30255469
I agree. Tzeentchette is best, followed by Khornette

>>30254591
>Britain
>stupid land

i'll rek u, sware on me mum

>>30232826
Threesome.

>>30248907
Ask Joseph.

>>30256574
I thought Britain was metric. In fact, I'm pretty sure only America and... some shitty island nation (That isn't Britain) still use Imperial.

>>30253839
Nurglette is the finest one there bodywise, but knowing Nugle she's probably smothering and controlling and wants you entirely dependent on her "love" for everything.

>>30256726
Yeah, but who invented it, nerd? Britbongs, that's who

>>30256574
USA, Liberia and Burma are the only nations that have yet to adopt Metric.

>>30256726
Britfag here, we still use Imperial for distances, height, weight and some drinks, like milk or beer, but IIRC everything else is metric.

That "shitty island nation" is probably Australia.

>>30257185
Nope. Australia is metric, too.

>>30232826
Just thinking about this now but wearing a long cape and wielding a firesword seem impractical.

LOL at GenzEmperor and watch as my girlfriend hands him his ass back to him.

>>30254492
>implying avian isn't a type of furry fetish

Accept your fate anon.

>>30257185
>That "shitty island nation" is probably Australia.
Oh dear god...
Australia adopted metric before Britain did you idiot.

>>30257857

Okay, but I'm not buying a fursuit or making an FA account.

>>30257239
I'm wondering exactly how this guy managed to start dating She-Ra.

I'm guessing this ends in the birth of a sensei and the lack of a gf.

Rip him open, make a leather coat from his skin, and wear his pretty hair as a belt.

A human wizard in a tin can is still a human.

>>30258745

Thanks you, Anon.

I was looking for a laugh.

>>30258810

>Thank

Fucking hell.

>>30258745
>people still like that retarded DeviantArt garbage furry shit

>>30258854

Silly people, am I right?

How can they like that shit when there's hardly any pictures of those things wearing frilly summer dresses? Eh?

>>30258960

Their native dress looks like this, apparently.

>>30258960

This isn't frilly but its' all I could find. I'm sorry.

>>30254155
>>30253839
Could anon please link the source or dump the rest?

Burst into treats.

>>30259118
You know, from the thumbnail that looked like a Kevlar vest.

>>30259118
Why does their native dress have an airplane seatbelt in the collar?

>>30232826
>10'7, 580 lbs
Seems a bit light doesn't it?

>>30261175
He's actually pretty thin under the armor

>>30261175
If it's not counting the armor, then not really. The BMI is overweight, which means he's at least muscular.

[x] Genuflect.

Well, her ass and by extension her person is now a holy relic. So, one way or another I'm out a girlfriend.

pretty sure the guy is normal height or even less since he was born 4,000 BC

also >>30233092