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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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[ERROR] No.27337642 [DELETED]  [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

I remember when you were born.
You were nearly identical to 4,834,652,783 other babies born the same day as you.
I remember your name.
You share it with 2,839,275,364,872 other people across the Imperium. A very unique name.
I remember you fighting for me, just like the other 28,795,342,675 guardsmen.
I remember your light wavering.
I watched you delve into the cults, following the example of 5,073,435,234 other dabbling Chaos Worshipers. I was worried.
I watched your light grow dim, as I see 2,243,548 times a day. I felt panic.
I watched you turn against your brothers as I have seen more times than even I can count. I felt grief.
I watched you curse my name as 3,234,417,574 others do. I felt sadness.
I watched your light leave my realm, and enter those of the Chaos Gods. I felt abandonment.
I remember you, I remember all my children.
I wait patiently for you to come home as I have for the past 10,000 years.
Please come home.
I miss you. I miss you and the other 1,037,249,874,384 lost children.
I miss you all.
>tfw when your children will never return to you

>> No.27337668

It's a little too late to start pretending to be a good father don't you think?

>> No.27337700

Emps love his sons. He just was an absolute retard in how to actually interact with them. Probably dropping his spaghetti in casual conversation.

>> No.27337707

After 10,000 years of watching your children fight themselves, curse you, and worship the things you wished to protect them from while you can do nothing but watch, would you not feel the same?

>> No.27337728

You'd think he'd have at least picked up a "How to be a good father for idiots" somewhere along the way.

>> No.27337738



>> No.27337754

The AdMech hoards "How to X For Dummies" as holy scripture.

>> No.27337784

Fuck you, dad.

>> No.27337837

I am sorry my Liege. You just have terrible communication skills, so it seems like you don't care.

I'm going over to doomriders house. His mom bought a whole packet of coke yesterday

>> No.27337846

I need not you're condescending tears.

>> No.27337855

Hey, hey bro, hey. Aw man bro how much did I drink last nigh- Oh Shit! Is that dad over there? Aw fuck we are in so much trouble man!

>> No.27337875

He sat there as they began to take off, his body ignoring the G-forces that were being exerted upon it, and looked back on all his hard years of service to the Guard.
He smiled, remembering the day Bob had started a food fight in their mess hall. Arry had been so angry.
Arry. He remembered how Arry had tried to help Gav read. It had never gone anywhere, but Gav loved him for trying to teach him.
His face softened when he remembered Tarla. He remembered that moment just before the skinny demons had attacked, when they had shared his canteen and hadn't said anything.
He'd done good things for the Emperor, but bad things had happened to him. He never made the connection most would; he never saw the Emperor abandoning him, or questioned the Emperor's love for him.
As Gav Smith sat there on his cot and watched the blueness of the sky fade into the darkness of space, he smiled.
Wherever he went, whatever he did, he served the Emperor. And that was good.

>> No.27337900

>The pyramid split down the centre, the pict-feed dissolving into static as a golden brilliance roared through the cracks like the birth of galaxies. A shockwave thumped through the moon’s crust, tossing aside mighty Space Marines like spent cartridges from a magazine. A kilometre away, even the Chimera jumped like water in a hot pan. With a curse, Drax held it steady.

>The pict-feed was clearing up, capturing a ring of devastation around the opening pyramid. There was a being inside it, bound in chains of stellar matter as though caged within the heart of a star.

>Except it wasn’t.

>Drax watched as the earth fell away, a vast canyon that tracked, to the precise degree, the pyramid’s rotation and the eyeline of that shackled entity. Where its gaze fell, Rhinos and Predators were flipped into the air and torn open, infantry consumed by withering waves of fire. Drax couldn’t believe what he saw, but he couldn’t look away. As he watched, a string of meteors materialised out of the sky, hanging like beads on a necklace before they spontaneously ignited, hyperaccelerated, and hammered through the Space Marine advance in huge explosions of ice and fire.

>No, Drax thought, as the pyramid continued to turn, that arc of devastation coming inexorably towards him, like an asteroid destined to cross the orbit of a sun. This being had brought the star into the cage with it.

>‘Try it!’ Drax roared at the screen. It heard him, he knew. He could feel it, just as he had felt its first stirrings from within his cell. ‘Come on. Come get some.’

>> No.27337928


Don't worry bro I got this.

Don't mind Sanguinius. He...fell into a doorknob.

>> No.27337941

What is your excuse, heretic

>> No.27337943

>It turned full face.

>And then Drax really did feel it, the full epochal malevolence of the c’tan.

>The ignition spluttered. The lights flickered and failed and Drax found that he couldn’t move, not even to put his fingers to the ignition keys. He was a child, left in his crib of cold leather and plasteel by a cruel star-god. It saw him, but his eyes couldn’t begin to fathom it and he saw only darkness. Drax might have wept then, but it didn’t matter. The transcendent shard of the c’tan took the time to study him. Not because Drax was special. He was not. It took the time because it could, because time ran to its command. The instant stretched, to an infinity if the c’tan had so willed, but time enough for Drax to comprehend.

>The universe didn’t love him. The Emperor would never know his name. Only this entity, this god of ancient stars, would remember. And in the second that followed, the Chimera flipped onto its back, its belly splitting open. Air, heat and Drax himself were ripped through the hull and out onto the surface of the moon. He floated, falling so slowly. The world was black and silent. It was cold. And the c’tan looked away.

Your Emperor is dead and nobody else remembers the fallen other than the thirsting gods whose laughter echo through out the galaxy.

>> No.27337977

It's not my fault, I wanted psyker powers

>> No.27337981

This ship doesn't have doorknobs...

>> No.27338028

You are my father.
Not in the way you are to the trillions of humans you say you remember, you were my gene-sire. Alone of my siblings, you were even the man who raised me from childhood.
You are my father.
You watch all your children?
You feel sadness as they curse you?
You feel loneliness as they consort with Chaos?
You panic when they abandon you?
You see all of this, and you remember, for each and every human to ever live?

Were you watching then?
Were you watching when I tossed in my bed, wondering why you abandoned me to the Crusade?
Were you watching when I was wounded, and lay at death's door?
Were you watching when found no conclusion to why you were doing the things you were doing, but that you had run out my usefulness and wanted me gone?

Did you feel those things then?
Did you know the pain I knew, did you see the things I saw?
Did you miss me, father?

If you did
If you saw, if you knew, if you felt
Then why
Why, father
Why did you let me die?

>> No.27338039 [DELETED] 

>help, somebody help! help!
>easy lad, what is it?
>it's smith, they got him!
>who's got him?
>the orks!

>> No.27338062


It broke. And we had to throw it away. It was the Eldar. Fucking fancypants spacefags.

>> No.27338090

Give me a hug, oh mighty one.

>> No.27338097

>help, somebody help! help!
>easy lad, what is it?
>it's smith, they got him!
>who's got him?
>the orks!

>> No.27338125

>it's perfect sergeant! I couldn't have planned this better myself! this planet is as good as mine!

>> No.27338142

I hope this teaches you both an important lesson about the dangers of excessive alcohol consumption!
Honestly, the two of you are almost as bad as Russ. He and Magnus went out for a night on the town the other day and next thing you know half of Prospero's on fire!
I mean, how does that even happen?
And don't even get me started on the twins! Little bastards engraved the words Kick Me on every suit of battle plate in the Ultramarines armoury!

Some days I think Dorn and I are the only ones in the family who take anything seriously.

>> No.27338163

>we've got to save him, he'd do the same for any of us!

>> No.27338189

>private is right, we've got to do something!

>> No.27338202

>inb4 the Lion going "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND MEEEE"

>> No.27338208

I completely agree Robourte, I think the two of us are the only ones who take our little family seriously.

Also Horus, if I see you bang another Bride of the Emperor in my room, Im going to bitch-slap you so hard you'll enter Warp-Space.

>> No.27338212

I left you to the Crusade because I thought you could handle it.
I let you toss and turn, confident you would realize the truth, that I did miss you. I always missed you, but
i had to finish the Webway project for the good of all mankind! When you were wounded I scoured the galaxy for someone who could heal you. No one, not a single one could have healed you.
I despaired, blinded by grief, and when I heard you had miraculously lived, I was overjoyed. I knew not the daemonic source of your healing. When I realized the truth, it was far too late to save you. I had to kill you.
And now, I will wait until the end of time itself for you to come back, even though I know you are gone forever.

>> No.27338226

>gav and bob

>> No.27338245


Would you all keep it down? I'm trying to get my beauty sleep.

>> No.27338255

>and so we shall!
>i told you these savages couldn't be trusted!
>smith tried to befriend them, and look what they've done to him!
>but now i say it's time to rescue our courageous comrade
>at daybreak, we attack!

>> No.27338257

>TFW the secret project the Emperor was REALLY working on was Horus's suprise birthday gift

>> No.27338267

>you're condescending tears
that's enough drugs for today

>> No.27338293

Bite me Fulgrim, you already sleep more then the damn cat, how much do you possibly need?

>> No.27338311


you understood me, for all intensive porpoises.

>> No.27338323

>what can you expect from filthy little xenos
>here's what you get when species are diverged!
>their skin's a nauseous green
>with their filthy genes
>their xenos as I said and worse!

>> No.27338362

Yeah, you tell 'em dad! Lazy oafs don't know how much work it takes to be this fabulous!

>> No.27338399

Bitch you couldn't even handle being this fabulous. I sleep enough that dad's empire doesn't crumple because of seeing my beautiful face too often.

>> No.27338418

>Smith's face when

>> No.27338420

>barely even living!
>drive them from our system!

>> No.27338435

So what you're saying is that emps was forced to make artificial children because he couldn't get laid for over 50 millennia?

>> No.27338437

dear Mr. Emperor

for candlemas I would like:

a new Spectris pattern boltpistol thats better than Inquisitor Thrakkus's one

a can of polish for my sevroskull, Edgarius

and please let me get to press the Exterminatus button before Inquisitor Thrakkus gets to, amen

>> No.27338444

He didn't have time for babby McPrimarch's first crusade boo-boo they were warriors, designed to fight gods and deamons, plus as he was a powerful psyker, he could just read the minds of people and other regular humans, the primarchs were designed to be immune to this as it would be a major liability against say tzeentch, he could not read their minds, he could not see what they truly felt, unlike regular humans/astartes/aliens etc. so he could not see, for example, when Fulgrim decided to get than alien/deamon possessed sextoy or when Magnus was about to accidentally the webway

>> No.27338446

>they're different from us!
>now is the dawn of war!

>> No.27338475

Is that a female space marine with a Sister of battle disemboweled on the side?

>> No.27338496

>Emps was a bit of a neckbeard autist
>created sons
>didn't know how to love

>> No.27338497


I thought Emprah did have children, but if they were male they couldn't reproduce.

>> No.27338502

Yeah, beautiful enough for the Pretty Marines.

Speaking of which, has anyone heard from those bastards?

>> No.27338506


>> No.27338525

Do you know what it would have taken? Do you know what would have stopped my fears? If, at Ullanor, you would have told me. I asked. I pleaded. "Why, father? Why are you leaving when things are not yet done?" One sentence, just as simple as "I am going to finish a project on Earth to make warp travel safe", and this never would have happened.

But that was too large a bother for you. I was too large a bother. You had no time, urgent matters pressed.

And father, do not take me for such a fool. You had no intention of aiding me in my struggle. Magnus made the journey through the Warp to my side; you did not. You stayed on your precious Throne, far too busy to spare a moment for your "most beloved son".

You are many things, father. Strong, inspiring, greatly psychic. Great leader, great tactician. Countless other names apply to you, father, but one that does not is Father.

>> No.27338555

>dis is wot we feared
>the humies are a deamon!
>they dont even know how to waaagh!

>> No.27338570

>tfw no primarch who turned to chaos at least felt guilty of turning to chaos
>tfw no one feels remorse, nor guilt when turning to chaos.
>tfw they don't regret it.
Somehow this thread gave me slight feels, just slight.

>> No.27338588

Oh please, the only thing that'd crumble from seeing your face is a mirror.

>> No.27338606

>beneath dat humie hide
>there's blood and guts inside!

>> No.27338609

Hah! Brother if you spent half as much time crusading as you did caring for your appearance we would have purged this galaxy of xenos by now!

>> No.27338630


>> No.27338641

>oi wondah if dey even loot!

>> No.27338668

My mirrors are custom-made to withstand my fabulosity.

>> No.27338680


>> No.27338687

I like this explanation personally.

>> No.27338714

Your BLAM is no match for my perfection.

>> No.27338739

>dey're different dan us
>dat means dey can't be trusted!

>> No.27338742

Hey Fulgrim, heres a question if thats true: Is your pussy as good-looking as your face then?

>> No.27338765

>we must krump da krumps of WAAAAAGH!

>> No.27338797


>> No.27338832


You fucking bet it is.

>> No.27338833

>let's go get 'em men!

>> No.27338852 [DELETED] 

Let me see, brother.

>> No.27338869


>> No.27338870

You remember them all?
Every human?
Every man, every woman, on every world?
Even them?
Even the ones you condemned for the sin of loving you?
Even the ones you murdered because their leaders rejected your rule?
Even the ones whose shadows you etched into the planet's crust, whose bones and blood and flesh you atomized and dispersed into the soil... because bringing them into the light would have taken too much time?

You cry at the abandonment of one human, but you commit genocide because the alternative is INCONVENIENT?

I do not doubt that you feel sadness at their loss.
I do not doubt that you miss them.
I simply know that when a man turns to the Primordial Truth, the loss you feel is that of a workman who has misplaced one of his tools, not a father who has been abandoned by his son.

>> No.27338880

You tell me.

>> No.27338883

Let me see, brother.

>> No.27338890

>now it's up to you men!

>> No.27338896

Fuck off Lorgar. no one likes you. not your brothers, not your father and not even your Gods.

>> No.27338914


>> No.27338934


>> No.27338940

This implies a space marine was in love with an Ork female

>> No.27338955

>ork female
>ork male

>> No.27338965

we need a WH40k version of Pocahontas

>> No.27338968


>> No.27338981

Did anyone ever stop and realize that most human beings are descended from a Daemon Prince?

>> No.27338991

His biological children are variously powerful but never that important. Keep in mind big E's power comes from his gestault soul, not his genome. His kids are the kids of an Anatolian, grandchildren of a sheep herder. A little bit of his psychic power gets imprinted on them just thanks to his cum being a little bit supercharged from the latent psychic power, but that's about it.

>> No.27338997


>> No.27339014


It will be considered.

>> No.27339038


>> No.27339052

God damnit Lorgar, quit your bitching and come out of the corner, your timeout ended 10,000 years ago.

>> No.27339145

So if I suck off the emperor I get to become a Psyker? Is that how the Sigilite did it?

>> No.27339156

Can't suck off a corpse

>> No.27339180

says you

>> No.27339183


If you try sucking on the Emprah, it'll probably fall off.

And by 'it', I mean 'his entire pelvis'.

>> No.27339207

Well he'd never finish.

You'd be stuck for all eternity, forever attached to his manhood. Because it is a task that cannot be finished, and blueballing the emperor is heresy.

>> No.27339225

Come on, Horus, I expect this faggot shit from Lorgar (I mean come on, it's LORGAR), but seriously dude, what the fuck? Why you gotta get all pissy 'cause dad fucked off back to Terra? Shit, he even put your fat ass in charge, I'd think you'd be happy. I mean, come on man, he even gave you the keys to the V-Bombs.

You on your period or something? You get handed the reins of the whole damn Crusade and get told to hoon it around the galaxy, and you mope and cry like your name's Lorgar? Change your fucking tampon and let's go kill something.

>> No.27339229

Are you implying sucking off the emperors shriveled phallus isn't heresy enough?

This is approaching penta heresy levels

>> No.27339241

The Horus Heresy novels do mention that Emps had boosted Malcador's inherent power...

>> No.27339257

Im actually amazed at myself Angron, but for once Im actually agreeing with you completelty.

Apparently the Master of Pussy has transformed into one.

>> No.27339259

but if sucking off the emperor is heresy and blueballing the emperor is heresy, what do you do?

>> No.27339262

I wonder what they do on the Emperor's birthday.

A song perhaps?


>> No.27339293

How is pleasuring the Emperor heretical? If anything, it's counter-heretical. You bring joy to him, but since it's only a blowjob, it's not excessive amounts of joy, just kind of nice, so it's not heretical.

>> No.27339304

>Happy happy birthday, from all of us to You, we feed you used up psykers, make ammo from your poo!

>> No.27339317

…dammit /tg/ this boner wasn't supposed to happen.

>> No.27339335

Hey, now.

Khorne does not care from where the blood flows, right?

>> No.27339348


>> No.27339424

>As your final test, Recruit, you must extract the geneseed of our chapter

>> No.27339437

Guys, sucking the Emprah's cock isn't heresy. Go nuts. Go for his. You'll be fiiine.

>> No.27339458

If no one will get in trouble, why don't you do it?

>> No.27339464

The entire reason behind sucking his cock instead of full on boning is because it'll bring moderate pleasure instead of excessive pleasure. We're WAY ahead of you, Slaanesh.

>> No.27339482

You got him on the ropes now.

Let's see how he gets out of this one

>> No.27339492


>> No.27339500


Not yet.

>> No.27339534

He's not my type. Besides, if all you fine strapping men are looking to, why should you let someone like me take that away from you?

Isn't it heretical to only moderately devote yourself to the service of the Emperor? It seems hypocritical to me.

That's the problem, sweetie.

>> No.27339541


>> No.27339562

We're moderately devoting ourselves fully to the Emperor.

>> No.27339591

GODDAMMIT SLAANESH I- wait. I'm not your type?! What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

>> No.27339601

Yes, that's what we're trying to change here.

>> No.27339610

No, no. You're halfheartedly devoting yourself to the immensely pleasurable service of your grand Emperor. You're so uptight. Relax and let loose a little, guys. Jeez.

Oh honey, I just like your sons better.

>> No.27339612

/tg/ is filled with thinly veiled Slaaneshi cultists.

/r/ing the Inqusition

>> No.27339627

We may want to put dicks in our mouths, but that doesn't mean we're gay or slaaneshi, anon.

>> No.27339641

Motherfucker, I am ten times as sexy as any of my sons! I am the sexiest damn thing in this universe!

>> No.27339648

Yeah, what are you saying Slaanesh? You saying you wouldn't want to suck this big old meat log!? This is grade A dick right here. I'd suck it right now if I could...no offense, Emperor.

>> No.27339651

>We may want to put dicks in our mouths, but that doesn't mean we're gay
Post of the month

>> No.27339657

We're fully devoting ourselves to the emperor in a moderate and orderly fashion.

>> No.27339694 [DELETED] 


>> No.27339705

Well let them share in the love then big guy.

You could, you know. Just sneak off next time you change shifts. He's not going to tell anyone. *Wink*

And that's totally cool. But just think about it. Isn't this just the next logical step in your devotion?

>> No.27339727

You called?

>> No.27339735

QUICK! Snort the Emperor's remains and let's get the fuck out of here!

>> No.27339743

>having dicks

>> No.27339761

Hell no! I only use this dick to focus the Astronomican. If anyone's lips ever touched it, the Astronomican would go dark and millions of worlds would lose contact with the Imperium!

>> No.27339765

How would one go about sucking the emperors dick anyway? You'd have to be highly ranked enough to be allowed to enter his chamber, then somehow get the needed alone-time...

>> No.27339779


>dat paint job

>> No.27339784

Lookin' here at all this heresy, all I see, yeah, is a bunch of chumps who need a good SMITIN', yeah. But ya know what, loyal servants? A good smitin' is exactly what ANYBODY NEEDS, yeah, 'specially them chumps Horus and Fulgrim, yeah. And that's exactly what's gonna happen...AT LEMAN RUSSLEMANIA 40,200, yeah!

Right after I kick ol' Lion's ass, anyway, yeah, because I KNOW an' I still REMEMBER what you did ta ELIZABETH!

>> No.27339797


I'll just leave this here then so you can "focus" your Astronomican.

>> No.27339799

Hey! Only that faggot Fulgrim claimed to be so! The rest of us dont care!

>> No.27339809

Did I ever tell you guys what Dad told me when I drank him under the table back on Fenris?

It was funny as shit. We're sitting at the table, blitzed out of our minds, and I bring up that if he's my dad, then my mom must be his wife. Well, dad started laughing his ass off, and then smacks the table with his hand and says that if she's his wife, he's going to do her. I finish my mjod, and after nailing one of the huscarls in the face with the tankard I tell him my mom lives nearby. The drunk fucker tells me to bring her over.

Now, this is too funny of a chance to pass up, so I tell one of the guys to go get my mom. A couple minutes later he brings in this massive fucking wolf, and I tell him to go at it. Dad's stunned, he doesn't know what the fuck is going on, then he starts grinning slowly as he remembers I was raised by wolves. and then just as I think he's about to make some stupid joke he fucking whips out his dick stares the wolf dead in the eyes, and yells "Get to it baby, ain't gonna suck itself!"

Now, this is not my actual mom. This is just some random wolf from the stables. In fact, I think it's a male. Hairy fucker charges at him and I shit you not, bites him right on the cock. Dad freaks the hell out, falls backwards out of his chair, and the wolf yelps and takes off running out the door. Dad's on the floor with his dick still out with this crazy expression of O-face and agony, and there's blood and semen mixing around his dick. His mouth is gaping open, so I lean over, look him in the eye, and start pouring mjod down his throat. He sputters for a second, gets up, grabs the tankard, downs it, still with his dick out mind you, and then falls back over, smacks his head on the chair, and is out like a light.

I pinned a note around his crotch telling him I won the drinking contest and left him there.

>> No.27339819

You're going nowhere, except to a "rehabilitation centre".

Excuse me, guardsman?

>> No.27339845

Leman, I seem to remember YOU being the one that got his dick bit by a wolf. I'm not even sure you were drunk either...
Do you just sit in your palace drawing porn of me all day?

>> No.27339853


>> No.27339858

WHOA, who in the barmy FUCK is this pretender right here? AND WHY THE FUCK DO YA LOOK LIKE ME? Or ARE ya me? Some crazy phenomenon of the Warp, some strange apparition of Macho Madness, yeah, sent here from 'cross time and space to DOUBLE THE MADNESS AT MACHO MADNESS 40,200? Well, Second Russ, and yeah, I'm lookin' at you--ARE YOU READY TO SNAP INTO SOME SLIM JIMS?

>> No.27339866

Hey, it seems there was a thing with a guardsman named smith and an ork named krumpahontas. Might want to look into that

>> No.27339887


>> No.27339889


I also hung out with a boy from the Ordo Malleus.

>> No.27339896

Come on you two, lets just stop with this foolish argument. You both got drunk under the table by Decarius and everyone knows it.

>> No.27339916

>Still worshiping an evil dictator who sends you and your comrades to their death for his own vain goals of conquest and domination
Gee Imperium, how pleb can you be...

>> No.27339944

Evil? Vain? Brother, how dare you speak of our glorious God-Emperor! How can this glorious face and beard scream evil?

>> No.27339963

Dad, you were so fucked up I'm amazed you even remember accepting the drinking contest. I don't know what kind of crazy memory shit you've got thanks to your psychic mumbo jumbo, but fucked up is fucked up.

>> No.27340005

*Rides off into a flaming portal*

>> No.27340012

I don't get why so many Radical Inquisitors like you so much? When did serving all mankind become less satisfying than drugged up sex?
Bullshit on both accounts! I drank more than you Russ, and I even did it without having a piss bag strapped to my leg. Unlike SOME Primarchs I could mention.

>> No.27340018 [DELETED] 

What's going on in this thread?

>> No.27340021

...Who? Now, granted, I'm not going to rule out the possibility that I did lose a drink-off and just can't remember it, but seriously, I've never heard that name before.

Anyway, haven't seen you in a while, Handlebar. Dad still got you doing his interior decorating?

>> No.27340024

Th-this... This is DOUBLE HERESY


>> No.27340045

Eh? I know that Slaaneshi types aren't too picky with their sex partners, but that's just weird.

>> No.27340047

What's going on in this thread?

>> No.27340056


>> No.27340063

Holy shit, something happened with the FTL drive and where the fuck am I, who the fuck are you people, and why the fuck do you all seem so familiar?

>> No.27340092

Is that you?

>> No.27340118

>I drank more than you Russ
Yeah, and when Fulgrim and Ferrus are alone, Fulgrim's the one who's on top.

Come on, man, it's even in the freaking biography. You couldn't keep up with me in the feast and I drank you under the table, then the next morning you decked me in the face after I asked you if you were going to call her now or wait a few days. Granted, the scribes edited it down to "the Emperor defeated Russ, felling him with a blow from his power glove", but we both know what went down.

>> No.27340129

Looks like someone's gonna get castrated

>> No.27340131

You're saying you've never had sex with a 17 pound rock of crack?

>> No.27340143

You dont remember? High Pimp Maximus Decarius came here with Dad, and you challenged him to a drinking contest after he told you about how he drunk Bjorn and Tankred under the table.
He handed your ass to you on a silver platter.

>> No.27340152

Uh...no. Name sounds familiar. Sort of reminds me of the number eleven.

>> No.27340158

FTL drive? Mind if I take a look at your ship?

>> No.27340159

>Writefaggotry both serious and gloriously stupid
>Constant porn even when the thread has seemingly nothing to do with it
You've gone back in time to 2008, apparently.

>> No.27340164


>> No.27340175

Whoops, my bad. Wrong name.

Oh, sup bro. Howd the Warp treat you?

>> No.27340204

Uh. Sure. Just don't scratch the paint job.

Nice 'stache, VII. VII, right? I can't remember much since that little incident back in 30k. Warp's been pretty nice so far. I'm guessing it's because the Chaos gods have decided to divert their attention from the Warp to messing around in here.

>> No.27340206

Considering that the Emperor is a schizophrenic mess of multiple souls, its no surprise he forgot.

>> No.27340208

...Seriously, bitch? You're back? Do you *realize* what it took to get everyone to believe you were dead? You had a straight shot out of the galaxy, I even gave you some co-ordinates the Rune Priests were able to find for a galaxy close by that had life, and you came BACK?!

I CAN finish what I started. I don't *want* to, but I can.

>> No.27340258

Dude, I don't even know how I got here. One moment, I'm en route to my next warzone in the Andromeda Galaxy, the next, I pop out of Warp travel in front of you guys. My memory's a bit scrambled from all the weirdness that dropped me here.

>> No.27340259

ROGAL? Is that you? Where the HELL have you been, you southpawed son of a bitch?

>> No.27340348

Okay, Sam, listen. You need to get out of here. Andromeda wasn't a warzone, it was a hideout. A place far enough away that Dad wouldn't find you. If you've forgotten what happened, let me give you something to jog your memory: after I was debriefed on the "neutralization", Dad got everyone together and made us all swore oaths never to speak of you ever again. He even sealed it with his psychic mumbo jumbo.

Every mention of you in every corner of the Imperium is gone. To SAY YOUR NAME is grounds for execution at any level below Primarch. Dad didn't just want you dead, he wanted you ERASED, and he sent me to do it because he can be a sick fucker sometimes.

Get out of here, sweetheart. I don't want to lose you again.

>> No.27340370

PETURABO! Im good you bastard, howve you been!

>> No.27340377

So let me get this straight. I WASN'T supposed to conquer and colonize Andromeda in Dad's name? Well, fuck, am I embarrassed.

>> No.27340419

Shitty. Surrounded by tools who couldn't put a toolbox together if they tried.

It...it hasn't been the same without you, bro.

>> No.27340572

which god is best waifu.
I bet it's khone.

>> No.27340673

Ah Jeez Bro... Im sorry for the arguments and shit, I was being more stubborn then an Angry Marine.

What do you say, Buddy?

>> No.27340687

One day I will get the Emperor's opinion on gryphons. One day.

>> No.27340710

Nah now that i think about it.
the hivemind yep.
MFW fucked a hormgaunt

>> No.27340767

Naw, it wasn't just your fault, I had my hand in it too. I...

Look...it ain't like I'm trying to be friends or something, I just. I want it back the way things used to be.

The best siege engine's not worth diddly without a wall, you know?

>> No.27340778

Sam... if you don't remember Dad sending me to off you, and you don't remember us figuring out how to get you out of the galaxy...

What do you remember? You know of... us?

>> No.27340819

we rp now?

>> No.27340825

I certainly don't remember being named Sam. Wasn't she XI? I think my tube was a II. I DO remember a few scattered bits from way back when. Our test tubes, the Morse code chatting we all did tapping on the tube walls, the event that scattered us across the stars, my first meetings with dad, and the send-off to Andromeda with my First Company in tow.

So, uh, Rob's taken care of my dudes, right?

>> No.27340877

>I think my tube was a II
...Oh. Shit, I'm getting this via astropath, and I thought I might actually get to... well I thought you were her for a second.

But hey Sig, nice to talk to you again, man. The warp storm around that feudal world finally let up, or did you just make the jump through?

>> No.27340880

Agreed, its not fun without a wall if you dont have anyone to test it against.

>> No.27340886


Can't walls just be flown over?

>> No.27340919

Me, of course.

>> No.27340937

Do you really think I didnt account for that? Have you seen my fortifications! They can withstand Orbital Bombardments easily, They can handle a few measley aircraft.

>> No.27340939

Warp storm let up a little bit way back when. I think the First Company managed to sneak me off quietly enough, although I'm still waiting for the storm to ease up again so I can come back and properly conquer that Emprah-forsaken rock. I WAS about to spend the intervening time exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life and civilizations, and going boldly where no man has gone before, but again, Warp shenanigans.

>> No.27340944

Spice Marines? I can hear it now, "If you wanna be my Primarch."

>> No.27340959

Anyway, yeah, I fed Dad the same line I fed him about Sam. "The battle was too fierce to describe, and when it was over the body was too heavily damaged to recover any traces of. Many marines were killed, but many more surrendered or defected, showing their loyalties lie with humanity instead of their primarch."

Rowboat's got them spread out throughout a few of his cohorts.

>> No.27340960

You're not dead? I need to have a nice, long talk with Leman.

>> No.27340975


>> No.27340985

Well it's your choice, I mean, I didn't place an order for fifty million tonnes of anti-air ordinance with the Mechanicus ten thousand years ago for nothing.

...you know I still don't think I've gone through that whole shipment?

>> No.27340996

OH SHIT, DUDE, RU--Oh, wait, Dad can't actually get up to kick our asses anymore.

>> No.27341035

I can still explode your head, sonny. But first, I need to know why Leman let you live.

>> No.27341060


>> No.27341070

It happens, man. Listen, it really is good to hear from you, but when I got your message I thought you were Sam, and I really... Well I just...

I know it's stupid to say this after so long, but it's not a good time. I'll talk to you man, I really will.

Somebody get me a fucking drink

>> No.27341084

The ones that let you make a mediocre pizza with ketchup?

>> No.27341102


>> No.27341120

Wait, you and h--Oh. Oh Imperial Truth, that is just...Y'know what, frak it. Do what you gotta do, brah. Pub of Terror next week, then?

Ketchup? Oh HELL no, you did not just call my marinara sauce "ketchup".

>> No.27341157

You knew what Samus meant to me, and you told me to kill her. And yeah, I know why you picked me. To be honest, I probably WOULD have started a feud with whoever else you might have picked. But that was still seriously over the line.

I got her out of your hair forever. From your perspective here, she may as well be dead. You get a galaxy with no Samus, I get to know that somewhere, somehow, she's still alive. If that's not good enough, then fucking deal with it.

As far as Sig, he explained his side of the story and it makes a lot of sense. I don't agree with what he did, but I'm not killing my brother over it. Again, he's harmless now, plopped him down on some backwater that's pretty much impossible to get in or out of. You were going to put HORUS in jail, so I don't want to hear about Sig's exile being such a big deal.

>> No.27341162

Mr. Emperor, what do you do when you get those...urges?

>> No.27341171

I seem to have taken way too many knocks on the head here, but...did we ever have a mom or was it just dad the whole time?

>> No.27341197


>> No.27341214

Imperial education does not tell me things. Are they wrestling?

>> No.27341215

Just Dad. If you listen to Lorgar, the Ruinous Powers served as our "mother" in the sense that it was in them that we were moulded from Father's seed into our eventual forms.

Of course, that requires you to accept something that came out of Lorgar's mouth, so take it for what it is.

>> No.27341228


>> No.27341243


I can't believe you two are enemies.

>> No.27341246

Says the man working on a *cough* Schmebway Schmortal *cough*. By the way, how's Macha?

>> No.27341254

Wait, so the fact that she was his sister doesn't actually matter?


>> No.27341264

Xenos that were hell of a lot better of parent than you ever were. You're just jealous.

>> No.27341285

Heh, I love it when Cali dresses up as the Mon-Keigh Emperor.

You know what, this is a mon-keigh site, maybe you can tell me: how do I convince my girlfriend to actually acknowledge that she's my girlfriend? First dates are nice, but I want to be able to share stuff with her without her always pretending we just met.

>> No.27341287

Yes, little human. They're wrestling in the most delightful of ways. But one may only wrestle with the truly powerful. If you want to emulate the teachings of the Emprah, you should try to wrestle an Adeptas Sororita.

>> No.27341290

Macha is fine.
Also, Macha here?>>27341197
Turns out it was Slaanesh.
Tricky bastard.

>> No.27341295

My parents were taken away for being heretics...it's lonely on the farm.

>> No.27341310

Ok, but first I need to ask, are you the voice in my head whenever I think weird thoughts? Wrestling thoughts?

>> No.27341329

Hey Slaanesh? Wanna have an amazing experience while also doing me a favor?

>> No.27341332

Of course I can relay the message to her, but I may need some payment. I don't suppose you might have any pretty gems?

>> No.27341333

>"It-It's not like I want blood to flow from your s-skull, b-baka!"

Then I crack her outer shell of rage and fury and make love to her in abject horror.

>> No.27341336

Depends. Are your wrestling thoughts incomprehensible babble about "destrucity", "the warrioooooor", "Slim Jims", and "Hulkamania"?

>> No.27341364

You had me at "amazing experience", but now I'm not so sure...

Of course I am! I'm a humble messenger of your holy God.

>> No.27341369

...what's a "hulkamania?" Is that like a space hulk? I hear those are scary.

My wrestling dreams are the ones with the naked people. Do naked people wrestle? Do the Adeptas Sororita want wrestling?

>> No.27341381

Are we seriously doing this?

A: You're getting pissy about using xenos tech when your big master project that was important enough to warrant leaving the Crusade for was Eldar webway shit. You're fine with using Xenos tech, you just don't want US using it.

B: I was raised by Xenos too you know. Fenrisian Wolves. Unless you've got some weird hatred for feathers as opposed to fur, it sounds like you're just biased against xenos parents that can tell you to your face how shit of a dad you are.

C: You're basically a damn idiot. I love her, I love her more than anything I can even describe, you knew this, and you ordered me to straight up murder her. It's shit like this, dad. This is why half your children abandoned you. Fuck, I only stayed loyal because I knew Horus and his chaos shit would have fucked Mankind a new asshole.

>> No.27341394

Great! Come to Terra and kill my body. You get to know what it's like to kill a god!

>> No.27341403


They absolutely do, dear devotee. More than anything in this darling materium. I bet you could have a wonderful time wrestling a Seraphim Sister.

>> No.27341405

I don't know WHAT the hell it means. All I know is that it has some connection to Pre-Unification Merica.

>> No.27341427

Kill your body?





No. I am going nowhere near that. None of that. Your ass can keep rotting on the throne, I want none of what you turn into when you die you old bastard.

>> No.27341438


>> No.27341458

Ok, I'm gonna go wrestling now! For the Emperor!

>> No.27341465


Here, have this oil.

>> No.27341474

I won't die, I'm a Perpetual. Look, how about this: Free me from this Throne, and I'll get you a cruiser of Fenrisian Ale.

>> No.27341484

If I do that, do I get my Legion back?

>> No.27341501

>You're fine with using Xenos tech, you just don't want US using it.

To be fair to him, as a rule I wouldn't trust half you monkeys with anything more complicated than a wrench.

Angron got ahold of a drill once and look what fucking happened.

>> No.27341503 [SPOILER] 


he has a model

>> No.27341509



>> No.27341523

You got the procedure wrong then. If you had done it right you'd have been fine.

>> No.27341524

He wrote the script for Gurren Lagann?

>> No.27341530

Does this look like a farmhouse to anyone?

>> No.27341533

>Angron got ahold of a drill once and look what fucking happened.
Why you must bring that up?

I still have the nightmares

>> No.27341556

Hmm, half a Legion.
Dammit, now I have to go heal a poor bastard who's feeding a few planets.

>> No.27341557

Wah?! Farm house? It looks like fire...I should check my crops.

>> No.27341568

Fuck it, I'll bargain with Rob for the rest of 'em later. Judging by my ship's readings, it's 106 days to Terra, I've got a full tank of gas, half my complement of mortal crew, it's Tuesday, it's dark, and I'm wearing Terminator Armor. Hit it.

>> No.27341570

Want some company ;)

>> No.27341589

Emperor I don't understand why don't understand why are they so mad? I couldn't even find the wrestling hole to put my wrestle stick in. Was it in the back of the knee?

>> No.27341590


>> No.27341595

>TFW you're lonely after cutting off your boyfriend's head

>> No.27341624


>> No.27341625


You tried the back of the knee? Fool! It's between their shoulderblades!

>> No.27341629

I dont think enemies is the right term...
Friendly Rivals is a better way to describe our relationship.

>> No.27341633

>female space marine
Yeah, yeah you could say that.

>> No.27341641

Shut up, faggot. I still have the video, you know. Showed to to Ezekiel when were were chilling out after his last Black Failcade.

If you've ever wondered what an astartes in Terminator armor laughing hysterically while throwing up looks like, I'll tell you: funny as shit.

>> No.27341645

I'm just saying!

>> No.27341654

Ya see, when a Man and a Woman love each other VERY much, it feeds an evil and sadistic warp entity named "Slaanesh". Slaanesh likes messing with people who want to "wrestle". Long story short, don't try and "wrestle" any more people. No matter what Slaanesh says.
Stop messing with the poor boy dammit!

>> No.27341662

Oh...hi...I...you have four arms...that's two more than I have.

What? Of course! How could I be so stupid?

...my farm is getting really hot...I'm scared.

>> No.27341676

Oh, hey Squat-Beard. Hows life on your Hog?

>> No.27341694

...I think I understand...no more wrestling with people.

Guess I gotta practice on the animals like that man with the spikes and the pale skin keeps trying to make me do.

>> No.27341701

Believe me. She'll be really thankful when you take off her armour.

Their spawn might be a psyker. Wouldn't want to miss your 12:09 snack, would you?

>> No.27341705

I've got lots more than what you have, want to find out what they are?

Oh that, I've got it on ice if I ever feel the need. Iron hands maybe, but not anything else

>> No.27341715

Besides, I'd never have made daemonhood without this guy, I can't hate him THAT much. Anymore.

...look, go without YOUR flip-side-of-the-coin rival for whatever-odd thousand years and see if you don't long for the good old days a little.

>> No.27341723

Stab that guy
I hate you both SO DAMN MUCH.

>> No.27341760

All is good, brother. After I left my Legion, I met Vulcan in the Eye and we have been making war on the traitors. I try to teach him to ride, but he does not like it. I think he is scared.

Corvus comes around once in a while, and we run into Leman during attacks sometimes. He was just here, actually, but ran off after he get some vox message. Don't know what he doing, but I think I hear crying.

>> No.27341765

>Fighting Orks
>Fighting Tyranids
>Fighting Cultists
>Fighting Eldar
>Fighting Tau
>A retarded farmer gets more protection by the god emperor than me

>> No.27341778

That farmer is currently the only farmer on an Agricultural World that is providing the only food source for about 3 subsectors.

>> No.27341783

>Khan and Vulcan having wacky adventures together in the EoT
I smell a sitcom!

>> No.27341797

I know how you feel. At least you weren't promised a go at his divine rod.

>> No.27341818

Macho man Russ for emprah 42,016!

Who are you?
I didn't vote for you.

>> No.27341819

>Jaghati teaching Vulcan how to ride

Oh boy! This is like one of Lucius's fanfics!

>> No.27341829

Woah, woah, woah. I'm being pimped by the Ecclesiarchy?

>> No.27341836

>The fate of 3 subsectors lies in the hands of a retarded farmer

>> No.27341864

Fine, I'll make you a Living Saint. Fucking hell, y'all weren't nearly as needy back during the Crusade.

>> No.27341870

Not by a bitch ass Tau. I'll choke him with one mitt while eating a sandwich with the other.

>> No.27341881

Why else would we join? If it was just killing xenos and heretics I'd have joined the Guard.

>> No.27341889

Stab him? Oh um...ok. I think I'll try next time he visits. He comes when I'm farming this stuff called corn, and I said "boy I sure do like corn" and he said "if you like corn so much why don't you follow me into this big portal over here?" And I didn't follow him because I'm told not to talk to strangers.


D-d-d-do you like w-wrestling?

>> No.27341891

I find it kind of funny how the supposid ForgeMaster is so afraid of something he built many of.

Okay, whos dipshit idea was that?

Thats because you couldnt hear shit during the Crusade Dad, your hearing went to Hell from all the screams of the dying.

>> No.27341903

Did you know I once conquered a world where No means Yes? I didn't know you spoke their language

>> No.27341930

And they promised all of the Sisters this? Well shit, now I'll have to spend a year or two just paying off those debts when I get off this Throne.
Apparently, the Administratum considers only 1 person catering to a whole planet full of food to be the most efficient method.

>> No.27341935



Damn. Why doesn't EVERY follower of Slaanesh EVER become a doomrider. It would be like listening to ACDC at 350 decibels while on shrooms, while on lsd, while drunk, while smoking a cuban cigar full of weed , while riding one of those dildo-tuned japanese porn bike but with a 1 billion ch warp engine and dildo made of real TENTACLE DICKS OF DOOM, while being the fucking Captain falcon, while fucking your waifu drawed by radiohead or niku ringo up the ass after she shat on the bloody corpses of both space yiffs, space smurfs and that faggot mary sue grey knight from the warp.

>> No.27341942

Hah, no stamina.

>> No.27341974

...there's more than one language? Wow...The Emperor's Will.

>> No.27341980


Wait- is there anything we can do to get you off the throne faster?

>> No.27342005

Oh he is good mechanic, Me and Corvus would be dead long ago if he were not fixing our machines, but put him on bike and he is like Angron doing maths.

It not help that I tell him ride beside me and then go 200kph. I not am good teacher.

>> No.27342049

Jag, that's when you're going slow. And I'm not afraid of bikes at all, they're just inefficient ways to get around the battlefield. Too few armaments, and I don't see how you went without any sort of armor beyond your plate for so long.

Speaking of, how are the mounting brackets for that miniature void-shield-projector holding up? That was way more of an ork-rig than I'm used to doing.

>> No.27342063

Ok, here's what we'll offer

>Emperor gets off the thrown quicker with a dick twice his size, and sleeps with every Sister.

>We get the sisters to work for Slaanesh.


>> No.27342078

Zip ties on front end coming loose, but otherwise good. I still say shield not needed on bike, though.

>> No.27342116

Disconnect the Golden Throne for a few hours and let my body regenerate. Then we can set about paying the Ecclesiarchy's debts. How many Sisters are there again? A million?

>> No.27342136

About a trillion or two.

>> No.27342167

Oh. Wow. That will take a lot longer than a couple years.
AdMech, fire up my cloning labs! We'll make this go a thousand times faster!

>> No.27342176


I'll...I'll bring turnips.

>> No.27342240

...I'll think about it.

>> No.27342296



>> No.27342429

But the emperror is considered a messiah by the AdMech. Or, more precisely, the Omnissiah. Surely they would let him borrow one of those.

>> No.27342501



>> No.27342617

You are the best anon.

>> No.27342646

OK! Now we just need someone to sing it, and we'll be complete.

>> No.27342679

I read it in this voice:

I don't know why, I quit WoW before this expansion came out.

>> No.27342719

OP here. How did this go from a feels thread, to a dick sucking thread, to a musical thread, to an RP thread?

>> No.27342725

> Syllables not matching up with the original for shit.

How are you supposed to even sing that?

>> No.27342743

Welcome to /tg/.

>> No.27342758

Were you the one with the blow dryer or the one with Battletoads?

>> No.27342790


What? They match up just fine. With very little stretching you could easily sing that.

>> No.27342798

>tfw I'll never get to die for The Emperor since I'll die long before WH40k comes to pass

>> No.27344492

Magnus did, so did Fulgrim, but only after he became a painting.

>> No.27345054

And my children fear even to spell my name.

>> No.27345091

Magnus didn't feel guilty in the slightest. He went to chaos of his own volition because he felt he knew best.

>> No.27345291

that's surprisingly grimdark

>> No.27345433

what are the little models out in front? the ones to the left of the grots

>> No.27346517

Aaaand that should be the last of the restraints. Just let one more nutrient cycle through and you should be all set. I asked Constantin Valdor to fetch your golf clubs, too.

>> No.27346536

A mass of land does not make an empire. An empire has culture, is refined, it has arts, beauty. By dedicating ourselves merely to warfare we are as single minded as the Orks, by only manipulating other species for our own gains we are as bad as the Eldar. Humanity must become a flawless species, intelligent, refined, and willing to learn from the mistakes of other species, while using their advances for ourselves. That is why we take well crafted enemy weapons after a battle, merely because they are xenos weapons doesn't mean that they cannot be admired and studied to improve our own weapons.

>> No.27347611

Wow, that's like triple heresy, with some tech heresy on top.

>> No.27348274


2nd Edition Gretchin (1 piece minis that came with the starter)

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