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[ERROR] No.24026096 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

Useless magical items in DnD?
I saw a thread full of them the other day and I was silly and didn't save any of the ideas, so anyone wanna give me your best useless magic items?

>> No.24026248

>>24026096
Portal of Covering
>it's a motherfucking wooden door.

Jism's Everwarm Blanket
>crusty to the touch, but always keeps you warm

Boots of Squeaking
>+5 to move silently, but they always squeak rather loudly when you walk

Bracelet of Friendship
>Arcane Marked with Elvish script that reads "you bought this for yourself"

Helmet of the Blind Knight
>+5 adamantine greathelm. has no eyeslits. DC40 spellcraft or dispel magic reveals it's a glamered adamantine bucket.

>> No.24026285

>>24026248
Yes thank you! You are awesome!

>> No.24026468

>>24026285
YOU'RE WELCOME. HAVE SOME MORE.

Rigley's Raucous Ring
>a brass ring that bursts into 5 minutes of laughter whenever someone says the word that has been engraved into the inner band

Spoon of Devouring
>by the time you get it to your mouth, it's already eaten your food

The Tapioca Hat
>a jaunty, belled jester's hat. when worn, all things taste like tapioca pudding

Sword of Reciprocation
>when it lands a hit on an opponent, this +1 mithral longsword fills the bearer with the unbearable urge to be given a swift spanking.

Operator's Bow
>this +4 composite shortbow emits the sound of rapid gunfire when an arrow is loosed.

>> No.24026503

>>24026468
Oh my god you are awesome!

>> No.24026556

>>24026503
Not sure if I should be impressed or embarrassed about being praised for making shitty magic items.

>> No.24026576

>>24026556
I'm trying to make a campaign for my buddies and these things are gonna be everywhere.

>> No.24026634

Stormstaff's Dirk. A butter knife that never tears your bread. It has a few charges which can be used to conjure butter for those desperate situations when none is available and the bread is particularly dry.

Ring of Rhyming. The wearer is cursed/blessed to speak only in rhyming couplets.

Hammer's Breeches of Feather Fall. Yup, they're parachute pants. They work only when they're in style.

Barkeep's Big Key. It's a skeleton key with the magical property of being unable to open any lock at all.

>> No.24026875

A true adventurer can use any item, no matter how useless it seems.

>> No.24026884

Ball of Return
>Compels all canines under your command to bring the item to you once it leaves your grasp

Ring of Sure Grip
>Once attached to your finger it is incredibly difficult to remove. May or may not just be a size too small.

Time Watch
>Allows user to travel forward in time at the rate of 1 second per second. Has the added ability of being able to locate your position in the time stream, but only if it is periodically wound.

>> No.24026891

>>24026576
RIGHT THEN. That actually sounds pretty awesome.

>>24026634 I want that breadknife


Potion of Babel
>a potion that when drunk, causes the imbiber to speak in tongues and lose all ability to understand language for five minutes.

Band of Strength
>a torc that, when worn, makes the wearer feel really fucking strong. like, pick up a building strong. it's just a very pretty torc.

Elven Wig
>a wig that when worn, causes the wearer to speak with an odd, lispy accent. Any elf who hears this will be extremely offended and find it horribly racist and become immediately hostile.

Dwarven Brotherhood Amulet
>an amulet featuring a hammer striking an anvil. don't wear it unless you're into anal gangbangs.

Drows Laprov
>An ornate, ebony sword that when used to hit something, makes the sound "snicker-snack." That's it.

>> No.24026952

>>24026634
>>24026884
>>24026891
Thank you Mentlegen

>> No.24027003

Cards of Loose Shuffling
>These playing cards are incredibly smooth and easy to riff, but tend to scatter all over a room in a completely non-random and predictable pattern when handled in increments larger than ten.

Cup of Runneth Over
>Any amount of liquid poured into this cup spills over the brim, leaving you with exactly 54% less liquid inside.

>> No.24027023

>>24026891
Elven Wig sounds like something out of FATAL.

>> No.24027039

>>24027023
>Elven Wig
>not Dwarven Brotherhood Amulet

I tried to make both of them kind of fetishy

>> No.24027072

The Publican's Mugs
>A set of pewter mugs which cause any beer poured within to be extremely frothy and be mostly head. Other liquids are unaffected.

Li Qing's Firestick
>A stick that, when lit, catches fire along its entire length. Can be tied to other sticks to make a torch.

Ring of Neuroparalysis
>Causes the wearer to lose all sense of touch on their hands, and be incapable of moving them until the ring is removed.

>> No.24027141

Truly Invisible Ink
>You're not even sure if there's any ink in this bottle of invisible ink. No spell or technique will make this ink show itself.

Glasses of Darksight
>You can see the dark with these glasses. No, they don't show you anything within the darkness, just the dark itself.

>> No.24027155

The Head of Vecna

>> No.24027175

>>24027155
It's the head of a local whore named Vecna.
When you stick your dick in its mouth, it sucks it vigorously. And damn is it good.

>> No.24027180

Anyone remember the 'Ring of Overconfidence'?
>"When the player places the ring on their finger, they are filled with a sense of invulnerability and great strength"

>> No.24027190

These are reminding me of a certain ring I read about once.

>> No.24027223

>>24027175

>> No.24027262

Magical Ring of Ring Bearing

Allows the bearer to wear one additional Magical Ring.

>> No.24027321

>>24026891
>Dwarven Brotherhood Amulet
>>an amulet featuring a hammer striking an anvil. don't wear it unless you're into anal gangbangs.
My sides...

>> No.24027322

Bearskin Coat
>Makes the wearer smell and walk like a bear.

>> No.24027341

>> No.24027361

>>24026891
>Drows Laprov

Bravo, good sir. Bravo.
It should also provide a bonus to galumphing, though.

>> No.24027368

>>24027262
Too bad a manic-depressive mage with third-degree burns in black armor is very much obsessed with it and has geasa'd nine blackrobed rangers to get it for him.

>> No.24027388

>>24027321
>>24027361

>> No.24027409

>>24027341

>> No.24027470

>> No.24027488

>>24027470

>> No.24027514 [SPOILER] 

>>24027488

>> No.24027540

>>24027470
>>24027409

I like the incense of wisdom personally.


Farmer Joe's Pitchfork

>This pitchfork is the sole legacy of Farmer Joe. The only person in all of history to take an epic level of the Commoner Class. It grants anyone who use it for farmwork for an entire day 21 levels of Commoner. Permanently.

Daern's Instant Privy
>On command it unfolds to ... a small 5' x 5' 'outhouse'. Inside is a water closet, bidet, bath and shower, with hot and cold running water. It is made of adamantine, though, and although only eight feet high, the privy door is lockable and has a small crescent shaped hole in it to peer out through. Despite it's silliness, it is actually quite useful.

Chilling Sphere
This small glass sphere could easily be mistaken for a toy marble. It continually radiates a small, chilly aura. Prolonged contact or proximity is not generally harmful, though it is uncomfortable. These simple magical items are popular for keeping beverages cold.

>> No.24027553

>>24026884
>Ball of Return
When in USSR do as soviet does. Attach explosives to dogs. Throw ball past enemy. Detonate.

>> No.24027568 [SPOILER] 

>>24027514

>> No.24027579

>>24027553
W-why can't we just attach explosives to the ball?

>> No.24027588

>>24027568

>> No.24027593

Spiny Coppers
>These appear to be ordinary coins of various denominations. When the command word is spoken, the coins sprout a multitude of blades and spikes, often injuring the holder and destroying containers. The coins can function as caltrops when activated.

Buoyant Shoes
>These magical shoes float in water, a pair able to support the average adventurer. Being sized and shaped as typical shoes, they are very difficult to balance on properly while traversing water.

Nonportable Hole
>This items is a hole in the ground. It radiates magic. Successfully disbelieving in it will allow you to walk over it as if it did not exist.

>> No.24027625

>>24027579
Because then we can't use the ball again!

>> No.24027644

>>24027625
But the ball returns, always!

>> No.24027649

Amulet of Rain Detection
>This amulet allows it’s wearer to detect when it’s raining, not before, only during. It only works outdoors.

Ring of Ant Control
>Allows the wearer to control a single normal ant.

Scroll of Burning
>As soon as it’s opened and someone begins reading it, it bursts into flames, very briefly, and then disappears (just like flash paper).

Teapot of Tea Time
>A teapot that will, every day at 4 o’clock, whistle loudly and make piping hot tea… regardless of where it is (backpack, for instance). There is no way to prevent this. It’s good tea though.

Tiny Everburning Candle
A tiny candle that can never be extinguished. Can never be stowed away as its flame could light up a standard backpack. Also great for birthday cakes when playing tricks.

>> No.24027687

>>24027649
>Ant Control
When I was a kid, I actually believed I had that power (a la Eliza Thornberry). I felt really stupid later on.

Good times...

>> No.24027690

Can we do funny cursed items too?

Hat of deception
>Deludes the wearer into thinking it is a hat of disguise. Upon use the wearer thinks they are magically disguised. In reality there are small fire works going off around them that when finished will form the wearers true name and giant arrows pointing at them.

>> No.24027707

>>24027588

Lizard of Guilt- Useless familiar or best familiar?

>> No.24027733

>>24027593
those are fucking useful! I think you misunderstand the reason for this thread.

>> No.24027743

>>24026468
>A merchant selling swords and bows comes to help equip an army as it prepares for war
>The next day, the men go to fight, their bows emitting loud noises and deafening them, their swordsmen furiously spanking eachother
>The enemy army marches straight through and captures the land

>> No.24027790

>>24027690
Stone of weightlessness
>Bearer floats above the ground and floats in any direction they are pushed, they have no other way of moving

>> No.24027828

>>24027790
Full plate of acrobatics
>Wearer is compelled to cartwheel in order to move anywhere.

>> No.24027855

>> No.24027858

>>24027790
The perfect infiltration...

>> No.24027889

>>24027707

>> No.24027915

>>24027540
The instant privy is so incredibly broken it's not even funny. Seriously I could give that thing to my group and in a week they'd have invented space travel.

Peter's Puzzle Box
>A well crafted wooden puzzle made for a child. Can only be solved if you are named peter.

Flare Scroll
> A scroll with a single spell written on it. Reading the spell sets the scroll on fire. The fire is magical, and will harm nothing but the scroll.

Fish Spear (from an older topic)
-Whenever this spear is stabbed into an object a fish will be skewed on the end when pulled out. The spear does no physical damage, and the place the fish comes from is unknown. The fish is tasty, but does not make one full upon consuming it.

Pole Arm
>A polearm made out of interlinked human forearms. It is just as durable as one would expect.

Fish Head Ring
>A ring in the shape of a fish's head. The user may transform into a fish at will, but only on dry land. The ring falls off when the user transformed, and the person who transformed into a fish must have someone else turn them back into a human

>> No.24027935

>>24027889

I can't believe it's been that long since we saw those guys.

>> No.24027947

>>24026468
>>when it lands a hit on an opponent, this +1 mithral longsword fills the bearer with the unbearable urge to be given a swift spanking.

This sword has many uses, though not for my usual roleplaying.

>> No.24027960

>>24027935
They'll be back
They have to come back

>> No.24028005

>>24027855
I want that moth wallet.

>> No.24028009

Axe of Spite
The finest two-handed axe ever created by Dwarven hands. It kills any beast it touches in a single blow.

It can only be used by Elvish Druids.

>> No.24028054

>>24027828
Parchment of secrets
>Shouts the bearers deepest and darkest secrets so that they are audible for 60 feet, destroying this paper will not cause it to stop mid sentence. When it runs out of secrets it begins insulting the bearer.

>> No.24028144

Bridle of Welshmanship
>While worn by a horse, it will be able to speak a nearly indecipherable dialect of English.

A Red Mitten
>A tight woolen mitten that is very uncomfortable. Whichever hand the mitten is worn on will become your dominant hand as long as it is worn.

National Geographic
>An indestructible copy of National Geographic magazine from August of 1982.

>> No.24028201 [SPOILER] 

>>24028144
>An indestructible copy of National Geographic magazine from August of 1982.
I see what you did there.

>> No.24028234

>>24028144
>An indestructible copy of National Geographic magazine from August of 1982.
Sweet. Permanent records of Papua, New Guinea!

>> No.24028431

>>24028201

Mind explainign?

>> No.24028444

>>24028431
What is Google?

>> No.24028477

>>24027540
>spend 1 day
>get 21 free levels
>get 7 free feats from this
>break the ever living shit out of wizards everywhere by giving them free feats and more HD, as well as more BAB
now you fucked up, now you fucked up, now you done fucked up.

>> No.24028486

>>24027540
I don't think you understand what a Useless Item is.

The Head of Vecna is useless. These are not.

>> No.24028503

>>24028444
Not him, but still not getting it either.

>> No.24028566

>>24028503
That's the joke. There's nothing to get.

>> No.24028596

>>24028477
forgot to mention, since you didn't specify that aince you said the 21 levels for free thing isn't a 1 time thing, you could theoretically go and just literally farm free 21 levels every single day that you use it.
it would literally eventually make you so damn powerful that within 1 year of using it you are doing muscle wizard shit, MUCH faster then classic muscle wizard style.

Tl:Dr: use this for a year=much more powerful muscle wizard then equivalent of the normal means.

>> No.24028623

>>24028566
Coaxed into a snafu, was I?

>> No.24028918

>>24028623
His eyes...are so close together.

>> No.24028989

Not exactly useless, but on a freeform RP my character worked in a shop of "weird" magical items. Here's one of them that was actually inspired when I watched the Disneyworld trash band in real life.
Bardic Full Plate
Bards, Minstrels, and adventuring Musicians everywhere, do you lament your lack of protection from the Black Beast of Aaaaaaaugh, or find yourself forced to sit out on your next legendary epic while it unfolds around you? Well get back into the saga and earn your own place in it in this Bardic Full Plate suit! This suit is specially designed with different metals and rune enchantments to operate as a one-man-orchestra! Bang on your stomach for a bass drum beat, lift the visor up and down for some rifts, sheath and unsheath the sword (INCLUDED!) to get a nice ring, or simply open up the phantasmal, hard aether projectors, and bring out anything you need to compose even in the heat of battle!
Best of all, it's flexible enough for dancers, virtually indestructible*, breaths like Egyptian cotton, all non-plate pieces are machine washable, plates can be cleaned with a simple dose with a hose and you'll be good as new.
*You are not indestructible, only the suit.

>> No.24029298

>>24028623
The guy in the background is hilarious.

>> No.24029317

>>24029298
dang it, forgot to change the name field. disregard that.

>> No.24029396

>>24027141
>Glasses of Darksight
The glasses are.

>> No.24029533

>>24027690
The Womb Dagger.

>> No.24030978

Pouch of Pastry
>A small nearly weightless pouch. Once every 24 hours a pastry appears in the pouch. The pastry is of low quality, as one would find at a cheap hotel breakfast bar.

>>
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