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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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[ERROR] No.24004034 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

>Be sitting on the porch enjoying the sun

>Stop and notice a bunch of little folks with sharped sticks and pebles marching by

>Ask them what they are doing and they explain they are going to war with some gremlins

>Don't really take it seriously and suggest they take some better weapons giving them access to my utility drawer

>Next week watch as they march back by my backyard covered in blood and carrying gremlin heads on yarn

What have I done?

>> No.24004092

Congratulations. You've now become the primary arms supplier for the Little Folk against their enemies.
Now the question is, will you also open your drawers to others who come asking?

>> No.24004173


Well...I guess, a part of me is worried about the backlash if I cut them off....I mean, they were cute, they weren't suppose to be genocidal maniacs!

>> No.24004174

Well now you start charging the bastards.

>> No.24004202

>Scared of those midgets
My god.

>> No.24004230


Considering they carried off the heads as trophies it does give one pause for concern

>> No.24004244

Everyone does that. My grandmother does that. My little cousin does that.

>> No.24004278

yes, the first one is always free.

>> No.24004284


And I suppose you do too?

>> No.24004289

Follow them back to their home to determine the scale of their raiding parties.

Observe a battle or two.

Find out if it's a problem, or just part of the local ecology.

>> No.24004302

Yes. Who doesn't take the head of their enemies as trophys?

>> No.24004309

What the hell man, you should know by now never to help out the fae. They always come back for me and they get fucking aggressive if you say no.

>> No.24004349


That's what I'm worried about, the last thing I need is for the little bastards to cut me open, crawl inside and start stabbing the shit out of me.

But then again as long as I don't get stupid shit like flowers as payment....

>> No.24004352

>See a cat that's caught something in neighbors yard
>Run out and scare it off
>Regal crow thanks me and flies off
>Hear tapping at the window that night
>Contingent of royal guards and emissary
>As thanks for saving King Blackdown, I am to receive the utmost honor of wedding the bird Princess

Last time I help out someone in need.

>> No.24004358

>What the hell man, you should know by now never to help out the fae.

Even the cute little half-fae catboy who comes begging at the door every week?

>> No.24004363

>Little folk with human-sized knives, running around killing gremlins with them

I'm sorry, this is entirely too adorable to take seriously.

>> No.24004373

That's why you build precautions.

>> No.24004381

How does one cook a harpy leg? And before you ask yes I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for that question.

>> No.24004388

You could also try to work out some manner of payment in services. There are a lot of things that would be much better performed by a group of tiny people rather than a big one. Cleaning in small crevices and hard-to-reach places, taking out pests (generally not a problem indoors these days, but if you garden at all it might be helpful), that sort of thing.

>> No.24004391


Only if I can go frolicking with him. And spending time in his magic forest turns me into one of his kind.

>> No.24004396

So wait, are we talking like bird-bird Princess, or one of those sexy monstergirl types?

>> No.24004404

>Not marrying the bird princess
>Not becoming the next King of Birds, ruler of all things feathered
>Not conquering territory in the name of the birds

Shit man, do you even adventure

>> No.24004415

>What have I done?
Saved their lives, probably. Who knows what could've happened if they'd gone to war under-geared?

>> No.24004420


>Cat catches the king
>Royal entourage tapping at window

I mean, either way it's probably hawkward.

>> No.24004423


Sorry but I'm not at all thrilled about having my neighbors calling the cops on me

>> No.24004434

Yeah, I bet people have said the same about Watership Down before too...

>> No.24004464

>spending time in his magic forest
is that what the kids call it these days?

>> No.24004466


You have to imagine though that consumating the marriage will be just a tad awkward.

>> No.24004509


Obviously, they wouldn't have them get married unless it would work out. Bird Princess is clearly a harpy.

>> No.24004510

Well, it will be with that attitude.

>> No.24004557

Naw man, in these kinds of things they can shapeshift and stuff so it's all good.

>> No.24004575

Er, how high up does it go. Because if you don't got the buttock attached, it's a not very tasty piece of meat. Either way, you want to go with a slow roast regardless. Remove anything below the knee by breaking it at the joint...
Oh, don't forget to pluck it. Anyways, preheat the oven to 250, and liberally apply your preferred seasoning and butter. After that, you want to wrap it in tin foil and roast it slowly for 14-16 hours. Remove it and baste every 3-4 hours. After that is done, increase the temp to 375-400 (depending upon how dry you want the meat), and roast it for another 1.5-2 hours.
Let it rest for ~45 minutes before carving.

>> No.24004581

im sure the birdfolk have it all planned out. Just go with the flow.

>> No.24004583


Depends. How well does ya want it?

>> No.24004612

Around the knee.
He wants it rare so he can better send a message.

>> No.24004619


>> No.24004645

>Be wizard
>Live in nice if relatively human neighborhood with nephew whose my apprentice.
>There exists this fanclub at my nephews school that worships non-human females. This is important.
>Some months ago some non-humans move in. The fan clubs tries to move in on the daughter
>Nephew responds to all this in his usual way mocking everyone involved.
>The club sees this as a insult to the girls honor and try to curse him. He responds by cursing them and the girl
>Her father gets involved turns on the club and nephew.
>Several small scale fights ensue. More and more out of towners both Non-human worshipers and monsters arrive both turning on each other and nephew.
>Zarus followers arrive after being turned away they set up shop and escalate things into gun fights.
>Paladins arrive make more of a mess of things
>The cities a war ground nephews marching around with his M60 and singing 1 2 3 4 I love the marine corp.
>MFW I have no idea what the fuck is happening

>> No.24004646

But that's just the chicken-bone part of the leg. There's nothing to EAT there.

>> No.24004660


Well then eat it infront of their cave then. If your so concerned about catching something I'm sure a friendly Paladin will help out...Unless the nature of the incident would give the paladin cause for smiting.

>> No.24004671

I've seen him eat bones. He'll eat it. He just wants me to make it tasty. which is stupid since I can't cook for shit.
Whose cave?

>> No.24004704


The only thing I got from that was that you're a terrible wizard

>> No.24004718

First I thought that thigh belt seemed rather restrictive. Then I realized it's a fairy so it probably flies/floats everywhere so it probably never actually uses it's legs.

>> No.24004723

Doesn't everyone do this? My family has a trophy wall in the longhouse. . .

>> No.24004729

Of course I am I'm a goddamn Navigational wizard for gods sake.

>> No.24004755


>mfw imagining pixies running around with salad forks and table knives

my god...

>> No.24004796

>Move into new house
>Checking out all the rooms
>Find a spider-lady in the attic that the real-estate agent clearly chose not to mention
>Well fuck, I guess if she just stays up there...
>Some weeks later now, start to find strands of web about the house, particularly in my bedroom
>Some of my pants have gone missing

She must be coming down when I'm asleep. Whelp, anyone know any good macro-exterminators I can call?

>> No.24004810

just offer her the D

>> No.24004818

>Get a shotgun

>> No.24004827


>savages. Savages everywhere

>> No.24004830

>Not allowing her the D

Are you Arachnophobic?

Seriously, just have a chat with her, keep some lemon juice handy if she gets uppity

>> No.24004851

Spiders eat their mates.

>> No.24004855

>not only taking the skulls of worthy adversaries
Do you even honor the god of war?

>> No.24004857

As long as she's not a black widow, make sweet love to the spider and invite her to live downstairs with you.

>> No.24004862

>hfw she's been stealing your internet and sees this post

She's gonna steal a lot more than your pants tonight

>> No.24004872

Most of them don't.

>> No.24004878

I thought that was praying mantises.

>> No.24004881

Depends on species actually. any distinguishing features?

>> No.24004911


Lies and slander I tell you!

>> No.24004948


Except that clearly breaches the tenant/tenant contract.

Not only that, but according to state laws then we are a couple under the same roof, which brings a mess of paperwork and implications.

>> No.24004971

Even if she's a black widow, most species don't do that. The only known species of black widow that does that is Latrodectus mactans which lives in the southern hemisphere

>> No.24004986


Kid, I think your problem is that you're sweating the small stuff...

Unless you're one of them human only types

>> No.24004995

So what exactly do Drow view as extreme measures? This is important.

>> No.24005002

In what context?

>> No.24005019

>Save up to buy a dog
>Get a brand new puppy, everything is wonderful
>About a month of owning it, full moon
>Crying baby human in it's place

Fuckers sold me a were-human dog!

>> No.24005049

>wake up in the middle of the night due to godawful cacophony
>look out window
>on Harleys
>fuck no, orc bikers

Someone just shoot me now.

>> No.24005062

So apparently my house was buil on some old-ass temple to some injun god.

now there's a fox-thing living in my basement that refuses to leave and keeps breaking my models (including the 3ft' bismark model), how the fuck do i get it to leave?

(note, I said "it" not she as it seems to lack sex organs except for when it tries to troll me)

>> No.24005074

Declaration of love being rejected due to years of bullying and a general distaste for their culture.

>> No.24005091

>it seems to lack sex organs except for when it tries to troll me
Not even asking how you found that out.

>> No.24005105

>1 2 3 4 I love the Marine Corp.
Why do they always sing this while carrying a M60? Is it a human thing?

>> No.24005107

Wait, you're renting? Then the landlord already breached the contract and occupancy rules by not revealing that the house had a goddamn spider lady living in their already.

Make the spider your waifu and threaten to report the landlord to the authorities if he doesn't lower your rent.

>> No.24005117

Never eat or drink anything ever again, for it will be poisoned. Never go near a shadow for it will have assassins. If you see a spider in your house, leave. It is the spider's house now.

>> No.24005125


Short version: You're fucked, literally and metaphorically.

Long version: if her family has any sort of noble lineage, expect a subtle siege to occur wherein your house winds up with a bizarre number of spiders of various sizes keeping you from leaving. when you're weakened by starvation, she'll kidnap you and take full advantage of Stockholm Syndrome.

If she's low-born, she'll try to skip straight to kidnapping.

either way, at the end of it, if your absence has gone unnoticed you can expect to return to society with a new wife.

If it has gone noticed, enjoy the underdark

>> No.24005126

He isn't going to take that well. Anything other then wiping out the family that will get them off his back?

>> No.24005151

Was there ever a follow up about the guy who had a couple of harpies make a nest in the big oak in his backyard?

>> No.24005161

Theres nothing he can do to stop this?

>> No.24005168

Dude, it'll be like the swan maiden thing, she'll be a bird some of the time but turn into a sexy woman for bed times

>> No.24005176

>Not even asking how you found that out.
Managed to get a grip on the slippery bastard/bitch(derogatory term for asexual creatures?) and checked before tossing it out.


Set some limits on the relationship? get him/her to move in with you? They're usually willing to parlay but if they don't get what they want, best consult local paladins chapter

Heard a drake woke up under the town. case is still making its way through the courts

>> No.24005190

He doesn't want the relationship to happen. Paladins wouldn't be wise though.

>> No.24005199

>tfw no qt3.14 elf gf

>> No.24005205

We had a gang ride through a couple years ago, the local stock boy is an ogre. Sweet boy but dumb as, well an ogre. He chased after them on his cousins 50cc Honda. Funniest damn thing I ever did see.

>> No.24005224

Contact the police then? Though they cant really do anything until she actually makes a move

>> No.24005235

Has anyone gotten any news from Japan since the isolation policy was revoked? The few diplomats we've gotten in Cali are insane.

>> No.24005247

>Not knowing that Drows always control the police
Kill them. All of them.

>> No.24005258

yeah, deathbhuddism cults taking over does that to a country.

on the upside, a new pacific war might be cool to watch from bonglandia.

>> No.24005267


Just look on the bright side, not many people can say someone loves them "that" much

>> No.24005293

I was talking about the fact that little girls seem to be of higher standings then adults but thats also a good point. Also it's a bit creepy that the girls think they're sexually attractive.

>> No.24005314

I've pointed out your post to him and he wants me to tell you several unkind things that are racially and sexually insensitive and inappropriate.
We want to avoid that if possible.

>> No.24005329

>a new pacific war might be cool to watch from bonglandia.

not really, given BVR combat fucking everywhere these days. Dragons wouldn't do shit.

Fun fact they dont want you to know: japan is home to the ONLY matriarchal dwarf hold.

those girls are actually dwarves

>> No.24005331


>> No.24005345

>Have 1 year old son
>So proud of him
>Go into the playpin one day and see a shadow looming over him
>Pic related

I'm scared.....

>> No.24005373




>> No.24005377

Still creepy. Also how the fuck does that Magical Girl magic work?

>> No.24005391

Shoot her you idiot.

>> No.24005399

Dwarven Runes, but the japanese version.

Place is gonna implode in a decade now that they've basically re-done feudalism. Specially with the fucking ninja clans popping up everywhere (Germany?! Fucking REALLY?!)

>> No.24005402


With Contracts

>> No.24005406

Really simple, just raise it like a good pet, and teach it basic human society rules and tricks while it's human. Either way you've got a very loyal and reasonably intelligent pet. Though pending on the genders involved between you and it you might have to see about getting it fixed or providing some sort of stress relief for it once it ages a bit.

>> No.24005432

>That fucking thing
Motherfucker came around asking people if they wanted to be little girls. Half the campus is empty now and I'm stuck in this bell tower with a goddamn rifle.

>> No.24005468

Those guys are pathetic.

>> No.24005486

....why are you stuck in a bell tower?

ANYWAYS: someone appears to have left a book bound in human flesh in my mailbox. the next day, theres something with too many fucking mouths in the crawlspace. what do?

only in large numbers.

And the girls are some of the best lays ever.

>> No.24005489

>Doing community work at the park
>Getting trash out of the lake, walking through a shallow area thick with plants
>Slip and fall, squish a big slimy mess
>Angry frog king approaches, weeping frog queen nearby
>On pain of death, demands equal retribution, for as many eggs as I destroyed

Uh... what do? If I was a guy they'd have killed me outright, so I guess I'm lucky in that respect. But uh...

>> No.24005507

get some of your egg cells surgically removed. give to king.

>> No.24005516

Nothing to do but go along wit it, on pain of death. Enjoy it.

>> No.24005520

They started getting depressed because even with new bodies most of them still had severe emotional problems and boom they became goddamn monsters. I've warded the tower to be unnoticeable to them and now I'm waiting for them to kill each other off.

>> No.24005536

On their own they suck too. They got their shit kicked in the duels. They're just sad.

>> No.24005539

Jesus christ where are you? Military and national guard are supposed to handle that shit

>> No.24005541


>> No.24005564

An Island off of Japans coast. It's weirdo magnet the place but it has pretty lax magical laws so eh.

>> No.24005565

>They got their shit kicked in the duels
well that's why.

Regular street-fight? they're pretty damn good. Doing military work? US Army is their number one employer.

fighting ritual duels with rules? they'll get their shit kicked in or disqualified

>> No.24005574

You from fantasy tale "the king of gnomes", now go and behead the troll king mothafucka.

Sorry about your friend BTW.

>> No.24005580

>Party are all fairies.
>They must fight such horrors as centipedes, rats and birds.
>Slay these mighty monsters and return to their village triumphant, feeding the entire village and being praised as heroes of all fairy kind.
Would play.

>> No.24005608

so anyone else worried about North Korea getting their hands on a locate city nuke?

>> No.24005613

For the last time those guys are not ninjas. Stop calling them ninjas it only encourages their stupidity.

>> No.24005615


>> No.24005633

I'm talking no holds barred duels. Two fucks beating the shit out of each other didn't roll off the tongue right. They can't seem to grasp the concept of fighting like a bastard.

>> No.24005640


Oh excellent, you receieved our invitation....

>> No.24005641

I'm not really scared since it'll just blow up on them again like the last scroll. Hard to use it if everyone who could use it moved the fuck out or was publicly executed.

>> No.24005644

It's not that bad

>> No.24005665

>They keep getting called ninjas
>They decide to dress up as them for shits and giggles

>> No.24005669

Try explaining to your dwarf neighbor how your son accidentally casted a Charm on their daughter and now she swoons when ever she see's him! It's impossible! little fucking rock huggers are ignorant as shit when it comes to magic...

>> No.24005672

North Korea couldn't even locate their own ass.

>> No.24005681

So just remove it and shut up and not tell him .

>> No.24005702

Man, I'm so glad I'm 30 and became a kick-ass wizard. And I didn't have to lose my soul like those magic girls!

>> No.24005716

So guys, I was walking along one morning when I saw a pixie in the middle of being eaten by a frog. Not wanting this see this at all I help her out and now she won't stop trying to follow me. Somehow her whole pixie circle moved in to my attic, and now I'm home to one of the few indoor "fairy rings" on earth. It's not too bad but she keeps asking me if I ever wanted to see things from her level. I'm trying to study for my Pharmacy/Alchemy major in college and I'm not sure if she's serious or not. Happening at the same time is the local Faefolk researcher knocking on my door to try to document their society or something. Dunno if I trust him. What should I do?

>> No.24005725

>Also it's a bit creepy that the girls think they're sexually attractive.
They aren't? I could sure get my hands on some of those.

>> No.24005731


Take up her invitation. Worst that happens they give you some good drugs.

>> No.24005735

I don't know how those damn charms work I'm just a laborer! My kid is practicing magic in school but he doesn't know how to remove it yet!

>> No.24005740

Let her shrink you. Then, pic related.

>> No.24005746

So get someone who knows what they're doing to do it.

>> No.24005760


>> No.24005764


You say sumtin bout my sister bitch?

>> No.24005767


>practicing magic
>not being a virgin and getting it handed to you


>> No.24005784

They don't mind Eldritch magic. Sue me

>> No.24005785

Mostly all the wizards are out trying to fight off a mass gathering of palitards. but I'll go and try to get it done thanks.

>> No.24005803

First off, don't tell that fucker anything. I had some fucking "researchers" document this pack of feral gnolls on my old farm, and, well... Let's say I'm stuck with a small downtown apartment funded solely through insurance money now.

As for the fairies... I dunno kid, don't you like fairies?

>> No.24005845

I'm just nervous I'll commit some sort of faux pas or something. I remember this one guy I talked to was invited to eat with some small sea elves. He was served seafood but didn't like it. All of a sudden his food tried to attack him and the elves got mad; though the guy is kinda a huge dick.

I'm a bit worried that if they wanted to give me drugs I would not be able to refuse; the institution requires us to be as straight edge as possible and I swear the security troll has some dog in him; he's smarter than expected and can smell like a bloodhound.

Don't get me wrong, I'm interested, but I'm scared of what she'll do to me. Also she keeps taking my pens. Hard to work without those.

>> No.24005849

Cancer mage here. Boredom and hero season has struck again and i need ways to keep them off my property. Traps, spells the like.

>> No.24005878


You can't sweat the small stuff.

Me? I eat mermaid everyday and it's keeping me very young-looking. I couldn't be happier.

>> No.24005899

Assuming you have studied to the levels where your cancerous growth grew and finally fell of you and is now your little bro just tell him to keep the fuckers off the property.

>> No.24005919

Where's the fun in that? I woke up drunk with this girl tied up with a ransom note I'm sure as hell going to have some fun before returning her. I already have the spring traps, push traps, bloody insides curses and the like. I need some out of the box ideas

>> No.24005945

Good to know. He's kinda living out of his van, and I kinda hear little whispers at night; he parks in the parking lot of a nearby apartment complex. I kinda want to do something about this, but he's friends with the local palitards and the local palitards think I'm a wizard ever since I made them a cure light wounds potion.

Update on the pixies:
She keeps my pens in a sort of little storage room that she made from the bits of junk I leave lying around; the pixies seem to love how I'm a pack-rat, though I wish that they'd stop getting into my school supplies. Some of them got sick from the blue mold I had for potions lab, and they keep taking my molecule kit. It's a cardboard city they got up here; kinda fun to look at them do their shit. It was really cold outside a few weeks ago, so they like how I let them stay up here in the attic.

>> No.24005956

Do you mean food made and/or favored by mermaids or actual mermaid flesh? If the latter, aren't you supposed to drink their blood if only to NOT exhaust your source of extra life energy?

>> No.24005972

I think that's kinda a bit different than having pixies making a city in your attic man.

>> No.24005977


define "flavored"

>> No.24006010

Erm... You know... Stuff that the merpeople like... Nevermind, I think I figured out which you meant.

>> No.24006022

I do enjoy hiding needles in my lawn with active "blue guts" colonies in them. Keeps the lesser willed Hero's away.

>> No.24006028

I think this calls for diplomatic negotiations while they're grateful for your help. Sign a treaty with them so that, in exchange for limited supply, the little folk will ensure that you, your property, and your companions come to no harm. At the very least they'll take care of your pest problem, and with a little luck you'll get an awesome magical garrison.

>imagine helping an army of little folk in their campaign to sweep the dangerous vermin from your town once and for all

>> No.24006043

This is the i need fun things. Do they jump?

>> No.24006050

You talking to me or the OP?

>> No.24006085

Well I mean syringes with the blue guts bacteria inside the syringe it's quite enjoyable to watch the Hero's heave up blue vomit when taking steps through my lawn it kills the grass but what do I care I'm a fucking cancer Mage.

>> No.24006099

No I mean do the heroes jump? Vomiting is nice though.

>> No.24006138

I've got a problem and I desperately need some advice. I saw this homeless dude on my way home from work and I gave him 20$ for his troubles. He handed me a sword and shield and told me they were magic. I keep them in my closet most of the time seeing as how I don't have much use for them. Now all of a sudden it seems like these Drow chicks are constantly following me around. I see them literally everywhere I go. What the hell is going on? Am I about to be murdered/robbed because of this sword some bum gave me?

Help before I panic and start stabbing bitches.

>> No.24006141

Quite common actually I add barbs to the syringe point adds that extra laugh in my book.

>> No.24006162

Any identifying marks on the sword or shield?

>> No.24006172

Are you sure the two events are related and maybe the sword and shield attracts drow bitches to the owner.

>> No.24006173

Try to confront one of the drow in the most public location possible.
You'll still get stabbed, but you'll get help faster and might find out why they're stalking you.

>> No.24006184

Homeless dude must be a wizard down on his luck. When you gave him 20 bucks he saw something in the future for you. Try to keep the sword and shield on hand, or at least the shield.

>> No.24006197

So, apparently certain cosmic forces are vying for control of my soul... something about my grandparents or some shit like that. I dunno. Anyway, I keep getting angelic and demonic "messengers" coming through my apartment basically giving me the "spiel" for their respective sides. At the same time, I keep getting visitors from a "third party" that I don't know very much about. Something along the lines of the "Gray Eternity".

Point is, I'm getting tired of drawing so much attention from my neighbors, I'm tired of having to feed all these "guests", and they're sending increasingly high-ranking representatives, so there's a very real concern that they might touch off an incident.

Which do I choose? I mean, all three can make some compelling arguments ranging from the very base to the typical sort of lofty discussions of "morality", "truth", and "justice".

>> No.24006227

I have to start doing that. Also Cactus golems. Tacky or funny?

>> No.24006234

The shield has a symbol in the center that's 8 arrows around a circle. I thought the bum was just painting shit on it for fun. I mean, what else is there to do while homeless?

>> No.24006253

My suggestion

>> No.24006257

Funny as hell charm those cactus golems to want to hug anything within the radius and win automatically.

>> No.24006282

What should I have them scream as they run around chasing the heroes? Love you long time? Gimme a a hug? Have them say nothing but smile insanely?

>> No.24006284

>8 arrows around a circle
Do you happen to have a picture? because that could be anything from a militant Bhuddist sect to a Dark Mark.

if it is a dark mark, you'll be drowining in Drow Pussy. you may even get to dom a bit

>> No.24006298

Wow, old sinfest was really different from what he's currently putting out.

>> No.24006307

SinFest, hells yea, little Buddha and the dragon are the bomb

>> No.24006308

Old fest was not feminist (best) fest

>> No.24006329

I would make it a mixed batch. Some speaking some just smiling from needle to needle. I know how annoying raising golems can be so get verity when you can.

>> No.24006346

do you really wanna start this shit?

>> No.24006362

This is it. Am I in deep?

>> No.24006383

yeah you're gonna get fucked.

on the upside, some bitchin parties.

>> No.24006391

Good good. I'm also thinking of doing themed courses, Japanese, Chinese that sort of thing. Mostly just hallucination brought about by drugs but still.

>> No.24006392


aw yiss

>> No.24006409

No. I'm sorry I almost did.

>> No.24006442


>> No.24006452

Any chance you do mail order traps? I'm trying to get this guy to stop knocking on my door. He's trying to get in to study some pixies living there. I'd like the traps to be preferably nasty, but survivable. I'd make golems but I don't have jack shit right now; living with parents and all that.

>> No.24006455

LSD covered cactus golems with a charm on them to make them hug near by Hero's you're truly a genius enjoy your laughs.

>> No.24006475

I'm a cancer mage son. My shit would kill you. Even the non-lethal stuff is pretty much unavoidable and unuseable unless you're one of us.
This going to be good.

>> No.24006491

My roommate's a rouge so i don't worry about trap parts.

God, the things he can do with a ball of twine, three railroad spikes and some leather.

>> No.24006492

Guys, I may have a problem. I need some advice.

A few weeks ago, I noticed that there were some objects floating around my head. Last week I somehow reheated my tea after it had been cool for hours. Today I shot a blast of colors out of my hands accidentally.

Am I a Sorcerer?

>> No.24006511

Rolled 9

rolling for new fetish . . .

>> No.24006515

Tentacle monsters?

>> No.24006517

(am seriously considering adding this to my game) "crazy cancer Mage that you need to get an item from but you must break into his house a persuade him house is surrounded by cactus golem"

>> No.24006532

Never again. That samurai girl still sends me letters. I write back out of boredom but it gets creepy sometimes.

>> No.24006533

that, or you got that new STD that's been hopping around the meta-planes

>> No.24006538

You killed it.

>> No.24006539

Is your father or mother a wild Mage?

>> No.24006580

... I like that idea. I like that a lot. But how do you keep them interested?

>> No.24006621

Your soul. Why else do you think they're there?

>> No.24006655 [SPOILER] 

So i got back home, and there's a cat on my stoop. I got soft spot for small furry things and gave it saucer of milk and some tuna i needed to use anyway.

Well, long story short the cat moved in and has been using up the hot water, and net' bandwidth and i cant seem to keep any milk in the place. She leaves her underwear all over the place, and constantly wakes me up in the morning when she crawls out of bed. On the flip side there's not a mouse within three blocks, she is actually pretty good cook and doesn't seem to like wearing shirts.

My question is this, where would a good place to propose be?

>> No.24006669

The same stoop the two of you met.

>> No.24006674


I haven't had sex with any outsiders, ever. Not biased against them, I just live in a high human population area.

My parents are blue collar office workers. I don't know anyone in my family with any sort of magic, but I've never met or heard about my dad's side of the family.

News flash: I just broke my fishbowl with a small meteor shower while attempting to feed my goldfish.

>> No.24006689

So it seems this demon girl who I think is rather cute seems to have put a claim on me. I was out on a date when suddenly a rip in between earth and hell opens up. She walks up out of it and grabs my date slap her across the face tells her "He's Mine! You touch him, I rip your soul out. You kiss him I'll drag you still living down into hell."

I normaly would try to stop this but while she is beautiful as anything (Her mother's a succubus, her Dad is a Balor) she scares me. I mean she's cute and all, and I think she's working up the courage to ask me out but...help me and all, I'm a Paladin for craps sake! I mean I can't exactly smite her for this, can I? I mean she hasn't hurt anyone yet just scared away anyone who has ever tried to date me.

>> No.24006759

Ehem, does anyone know how a kinda-sorta, it's complicated, elemental would go about dealing with crystalline deposits forming under one's skin? It's unbelievably annoying, and painful, to remove them manually. Oh, and while we're on the subject, what is the appropriate response to a spider woman?

>> No.24006768

Ask your father if wild mages come from his side of the family. A wild Mage could of unknowingly passed magic to you when you were conceived.

>> No.24006783

As a practicing Thaumaturge i think it is one of two things:
You have inherent magical powers, which, since they are manifesting at such a late age would indicate either you have some magical creature in far back in your family line or a recent exposure to a high-magic area/item.

Secondly, an outside source; has a person at your school recently revealed their affections for you?

>> No.24006789

Well, yeah, but eventually even an idiot would ragequit once it becomes obvious I'm playing them.

>> No.24006792

I would suggest magic but since you ooze magic as an elemental I don't know we wouldn't want any foolish wizard killing you.

>> No.24006802


>> No.24006806

Doesn't Vaseline make a balm for that?

>> No.24006828

Can't help you on the crystal thing...
But the spider woman? If she's in your home and not causing problems charge her Rent. IF she is causing problems remind her that you are the home owner not her, and if you see any hints of an angry mob you will spray her spider half in so much raid the home will be cockroach free long after Armageddon.

>> No.24006843

The reason that I don't know anything about that side of the family is that they refuse to talk about it. If I asked, he would ignore me.

Is 18 really a late age for this stuff? And no, nobody has done anything like that.

What does having inherent magic mean? Do I need a license or something? I'm just an english student.

>> No.24006859

Iunno, I'm not a Negotiation Wizard. Ask one.

>> No.24006869

Well has your dad been known to act strangely. As if he was covering things up that seemed to randomly happen?

>> No.24006878

Don't know, don't know if it would help. Does it affect the skin itself or does sink beneath it?

>> No.24006884

but you need to watch out for those spoderwomen, if they like you they can get really, really, territorial. I
There was one that had crush on me in collage; i had a loooong junior year. But we eventually became friends and even see each other on holiday.

>> No.24006914

it's a simple salve, and drys quickly,
One thing about it is a black oily mess sometimes oozes out, so i would suggest using it at the end your day and showering before bed.

>> No.24006931

Will definitely be looking into this.

>> No.24006937

Sorry man, I don't have Spider lady trouble. I'm the Paladin with the cute/shy half balor half Succubus problem.

>> No.24006961

It's kind of a legal null zone here, we both have equal rights to the property and she's not the kind you're thinking. You know how you have some sort of spider and woman combo? She's more of a giant female spider that happens to be intelligent.

>> No.24006968

Not that I've ever noticed.

>> No.24006971

That's not so much a problem and an opportunity. Well, so long as you can keep you wits around you. remember, demons that switch sides can be some of the most powerful allies.

>> No.24006994

So i have a problem mostly heroes and righteous dumbasses keep on showing trying to kill me. I mean I know that my fathers is the grand daddy of all bbeg's everywhere but that doesn't mean I am one for fucks sake(can't say the same for my siblings). I mean sure I was the only thing he didn't treat like shit but that doesn't mean I am his successor despite this no ones believes me. Apparently I am natural at this and its "in the blood" I am getting tired of the bodies I have to clean up I swear the things exist just to attract even more of their fellows. Shit is getting outrageous nor does it help my twin sisters is one of those evil is in my blood but I do not let it control me hero types last I heard she is taking out family one by one. Everyone loves her for it for some reason here is a free tip she is bat shit insane the truth is she is only do it to take out competition yet no ones seems to notice this. For some reason she hasn't come after me yet but I think that's for saving best for last(not looking forward to that bullshit excuse of confrontation). Anyway thought to see my old man as he is apparently suffering in hell for all eternity. Found him playing blackjack with a bunch of demon kings and hookers hookers god damn everywhere. Apparently once he arrived he slapped peoples shit around down here and set up a pimping castle and harem full of hot bitches to enjoy retirement with(so much for justice and divine punishment). Also I showed up on blackjack night apparently demon kings love their gambling figures. Anyway he said how I was his successor(swear there was a tear in his eye when I told him about all the dead heroes) and said I needed to make up my own harem also that I should visit my mother she's lonely. Never in a million god damn years I mean have you ever SEEN a fallen angel. I swear those fuckers can teach demons and devils lessons in pure fucking evil. Anyway how can I deal with psycho hero sister and other self righteous idiots?

>> No.24007005

>Succubuses arrive in the area
>Go around charming flocks of men
>Try that shit on some random loser technomancer
>He knocks her out
>Now half the town wants him dead, the other half are racist pricks who think he's one of them and the victim in question wants to privately talk to him
This is stupid so goddamn stupid.

>> No.24007009

Then check for items you have aquired recently for magical properties. If not that I don't know what to tell ya champ I've been blessed with my cancer Mage magic.

>> No.24007010

I suggest you get an immediate blood test and ansenseing. It that doesn't figure it out, than look for someone who wanted to hex you.

>> No.24007037

Give him to the Succubus. He'll thank you later.

>> No.24007043

Or blow up my computer and shoot me.

>> No.24007049

I'd recomend you get a lawyer...
Otherwise a good responce to a Spider woman is "I'm acracnophobic, not racist. I respect you as another living being but I have a none rational, very powerful fear of anything that looks like a spider. So please do not think I hate you, or dislike you, I just have a psychological condition that I must ask you to understand."

>> No.24007058

ah, that's different. either hire a warrior type to clear her out, or make a deal; most spiders are nocturnal, so tell her to keep her activities to the night and out of the house proper and in exchange you won't do anything about the nice ground cover you obviously have and will avoid the squishing of any wayward offspring.

>> No.24007080

Alright... Just don't want her flipping out or whatever it is spiders do when they're sad. I think she took it personally when I offhandedly mentioned that I'm grateful she hasn't reproduced down there...

>> No.24007085

>be drunken boxing master
>chilling at bar
>drinking go figure
>some crazy drow bitch out of no where
>tried to drink the annoyance away
>keeps running her mouth about me disrespecting her
>I punch her in the jaw
>find out next day it was my drow girl friends crazy mother
>feel uneasy about spiders pouring out of the next beer bottle I open

What do?

>> No.24007088

Heres a tip anon since I too have had run ins with hot demon chicks.

1 If she is part of a nobility expect big wedding(yes it will happen) with duels, fucking, and kissing ass everywhere.

2 If she is part of a clan if anything goes wrong expect demonic army to show up and reveal to you the true meaning of hell on earth.

3 Sounds like she is a daddy's girl so expect him to show and give you a very simple choice.

4 Prepare to fall or compromise if your lucky you can make her good just expect her family to be pissed.

5 You smite you fall love is considered pure no matter the source transation no smiting. So don't smite her for that particular reason reason *wink*.

>> No.24007133

Yeah...you think her Dad is going to be happy about that? I'm pretty sure he's one of those demon princes >>24006994 's dad is playing poker with.

Speaking of which...her parents just showed up on my door step and they look pissed. Gotta go.

>> No.24007150

good luck man

>> No.24007155


drink wine, like any other self respecting drunken master

>> No.24007157

I think you're vastly underestimating your capacity to know directions. You could find your way out of anything, sir! Find a solution, find the path out of the storm, for everyone's sake and for your nephew's sake.

>> No.24007167

...You aren't hiring are you?

Hi there, ghoul necromancer here. I used to intern for your dad when I was a wee necro-trainee. Times were hard after he kicked it, so I'm really glad to see that you've decided to get into the business.

I've got a resume and a number of references if you want them. Some of the highlights include a stint with the Black Riders, and some freelance work with Cg'Thu'Ma, God of Whispered Shadows.

Now, I know you're saying, "But Ghoul, I don't wanna be an overlord." Every overlord says that. Give me a call when you finally buy that first castle.

>> No.24007183

Wine comes it bottles friend! I may just switch over to lugging around a barrel keg.

>> No.24007186

Welp tell me whens the wedding need an excuse to go to hell.

>> No.24007205

WOAH DUDE, hold up, go over to /job/ if you want to start posting resumes.

>> No.24007213

She's actually pretty clean about it, most of the time. Doesn't leave carcasses everywhere, brushes her hairs frequently, polishes her fangs until they're scarily shiny.

>> No.24007226

what, you get banned or something?
I mean the security's tight, but as long as you interplaner passport is up to date you should be fine.

>> No.24007233

>Fathers some asshole evil overlord
>No fucks given I went through all the proper precautions to stop him from leaving it to me
>Snakefucker still finds a way to do it
>Now in charge of my own little empire
>Already captured some heroes
>One of them is my neighbor.
>Fed some cock and bull origin story about how I ended up here
>Vows to keep trying until I renounce my ways
Give it to me straight. This is just going to get stupider and stupider from here on out isn't it?

>> No.24007245

They just invite her in, offer warm cup of tea and explain things, you're both sentient and reasoning beings, no reason you can't work things out.

>> No.24007267

Sorry for the long delay. I just fried my computer with some sparks and am now borrowing my roommate's phone. I'll go in for ansensing tomorrow. I may have to come back here for advice depending on what it says. I really hope this is just a hex, not some inherent thing.

>> No.24007285

but...but I already when through like six of them already...fucking heroes man I swear. As is I am already down to my fortress of solitude its so bad. As for hiring you wouldn't believe what shows up at my gates even here in the middle of goddamn no where. Seriously how the hell do you guys find this place anyway? So far I can know who shows up by flipping a coin heads another hero tails fresh recruits or harem addition. Luckily I haven't been crusaded yet armies have been keeping good guy forces busy. Problem is those fucking heroes. As for payment you get minion insurance and free housing while wages it based on merit.

>> No.24007286

Look into Mouseguard.

It's not fairies, but the general gist remains the same.

>> No.24007290

As a overlord starting be twentieth year as such, yea, its does.

P.S. don't try and call you foe's significant other to arrange some type of truce either, the heroic types always assume it's a kidnapping and come in smashing the robots you spent so much time and resources on so they'd make the perfect espressos and then blame the resulting (very) messy fight on you.

>> No.24007295

Irony! We met when I was doing some indoors renovation of my basement. I was breaking concrete, because what I found was riddled with bubbles, when I chanced on her "lair"

>> No.24007296

The solution to this is pretty much the same as if you had a roommate of almost any race or creed that you needed to discuss things with.

Make some tea or coffee, sit down at a table with them, politely but clearly lay out any concerns you have and what you want, discuss amicably, don't get mad, and try to come to a solution that works with the both of you.

>> No.24007298

Well, good luck to you

>> No.24007308

Wedding invitation is a free entry no questions asked not to mention it makes you nearly anonymous.

>> No.24007309


>> No.24007344

>walking home from pub one night

>drunk as fuck

>see giant ass German Shepherd sitting in the middle of the footpath at the entrance to the cul-de-sac

>stop and stare at the thing

>it stares back at me

>cue 10min of staring

>finally, bow my head and remain bowed

>dog walks over, sniffs my hair, and walks back

>lift head, our eyes meet and it nods it's head

>stand up and continue on past to home

>see this dog every night I go for runs, bow as I leave and enter cul-de-sac

>bring down food as an offering one night

>over the course of a month keep offering it food

>it follows me home after an early morning run one day

>he's now been my trusted friend for 5 months now, spending every night at the entrance guarding the entrance.

And that /tg/ is the story of how I earned the trust of an awakened Dire Dog and gained an animal companion


>> No.24007346

You know, one hears about how you can never get good advice on /tg/, they're just a bunch of jerks and trolls. well, i look at threads like this and have my faith in the inerrant helpfulness those on /tg/ have.

good work guys

>> No.24007355

Yeah, I gotcha. Still calling that lawyer, for... reasons. I mean her no slight but she genuinely scares me just by being alive.

>> No.24007363

You've escalated the quality and need for arms in their small, contained war. You are now an arms supplier to a victorious army, an army jumped up on blood-lust and the thrill of the win.

Now an arms race begins. Now the Gremlins come looking for stronger weapons. Now the Gremlins come looking for you.

>> No.24007367

Dude, I'd look closer, I think you acquired a gargoyle. It's a common misconception that they all have wings.

>> No.24007371

Well, I've got a succubus and a mid-ranked member of the Hebdomad in my living room, so although asking a mage about it IS a good idea, I'm looking for some more immediate advice.

>> No.24007374

Turns out that:
1. She's a low grade noble. Her father isn't a demon prince so much as an Archduke.
3. Yeah it was one of two choices. Turns out dad is against it but doesn't want to break his little girls heart, and Mom has been getting advice on being the Mother-in-law from litteraly hell (She's happy for her). That's why they are angry. Turns out my Mother is the paladin that smote him so hard he slide back a few rungs on the demon nobility scale.
4. Dad showed up with the black gaurd recruitment packet and tried to give me the sales pitch. told him I'd have to think about it, and weigh my options.
5. That's what I was afraid of.

I'll send the invites. Apparently Dad comprised on a courtship period, so the date was set at 1 lunar year from tonight.

>> No.24007378


No one has given me advice on how to deal with heroes or crazy sister.

>> No.24007382

Fuck the truces. They're idiots. They fell for the simplest traps were unable to outsmart the guards I put through one week of Genre Savvy classes and and actually fell for the coin toss trick.

>> No.24007432

You hush. It's a hard time being a ghoul and I need job security.

I thought you were just getting started with the overlord thing, so that was a misunderstanding. I'm looking for an up and coming overlord to help build the product with. I'll keep looking. There's too much baggage that comes with established overlords. You guys usually already have second-in-commands who don't like saucy ghouls moving in on their turf, and your minions are really, really expendable.

Also, your fortress is totally on Google Maps. You can't hide from those Google seers, man.

>> No.24007433

Dude, take her offer. Your college career path sounds dreadfully boring and a trip through the eyes of a small fae creature generally ends up better off for both parties. It's the larger fae you have to look out for. Just make sure the pixies will be able to reverse/undo the effects, or know how.

Some adventure man. Never hurts.

>> No.24007445

Start charging rent. She is a tenant, after all, and I doubt that you'll be able to evict her.

>> No.24007468


It's actually to help with the flying, since having wide open legs while spinning around during fly can be dangerous!

You can try and get a polymorph into a Kender. Not even a Drow will pursue you if you take that kind of step... But then again, no one will pursue you if you're a kender. Except for lynch mobs.

And also the only dwarf hold without many beards.

Oh hey, so I'm not the only one whose seen it around? My fae friend kept bugging me to make a contract with them using some sort of legalese semantics... I'll tell you, Fae Lawyers and Contracts make for a hell of a ride!

Or tell him that some elves did some elvish jiggery pookery on her. They don't like Elvish jiggery-pookery.

Don't let any researchers in. Upset pixies are no fun.

Hire a certified Necromancer, and have him take your soul out. If you emancipate your soul, then cosmic forces can't do shit.

Matters on your order actually. If you are part of a really conservative order, you could smite them simply for being around.

>> No.24007489


I-is that a bad thing? It's got fur and everything like a dog....

>> No.24007512

Congrats man. I've been married to a Dryad for six happy years, and I am a Warlock with Blackguard tendencies (long story involving a oath not to use magic for a year and night)

Many people said it wouldn't work, her easygoing and general goodness and my, vigor in dealing with opponents. But we leave the job at the office and have two delightful children and would not change anything.

>> No.24007547

Gargoyle is a rather broad term for animated guardian beasts that don't quite fit as golems for one reason or another. While they often look demonic or winged they don't have to be. Some type of stone is typical but there are rare exceptions.

Some Chinese people might get mad at me for this, but fuck them, Foo Dog Guardian Statues are a variety of Gargoyle, technically, and they're some of the best guardians you'll ever find.

>> No.24007566

>Low grade.

Pick one. You realize that there's only one step up from an archduke and that's a king (or perhaps prince, depending on the system). Shit, in most places a Duke is the highest rank outside the royal family.

That's no low grade noble you got there.

>> No.24007571

It was my nanna's birthday and I just wanted teh day off . . . but nooooo, they had to come in all screaming for 'justice'. It was their fault the door blew off and knocked out Dr. Marvel's girlfriend just as i was pouring the tea, and THEY let my laser-eye dog drones loose, NOT me. And the giant squid wasn't even mine.

>> No.24007596

Naw dude, they are vary loyal, so long as you don't do any extreme remodeling of the outside of the house.

>> No.24007604

yea, third tier in hell is still pretty big.

>> No.24007612

wait till you encounter a redeemed 'villain' or *shudder* the bastards who come from a long line evil. But most importantly there is the sheer number of them all it doesn't matter how many you take out if there is always more willing to take you down.

Those fucking bastards I was wondering why they kept finding me. As for just starting yes and no. What happened was one day people found out about my family. Bastards made me drop out of college lost my home, lose my fiance, and got fired from my job. Plus they kept coming I tried telling them... I eventually snapped have you ever seen what Hell Fire Pillar combined with Magi Bane bomb does? Its not pretty that accident really put me out there. Its not everyday you see a city and even its college vanish. From there I was starving, hurt, heroes wouldn't let up. Eventually I found myself at an old garrison castle from when father was still alive. There the monsters living there took me and tended to my wounds they saved my life...they died protecting me fucking heroes showed up and slaughtered them all children the old all of them. I snapped for the second time I unleashed Planar Gate Duel Complex...I haven't looked back since. Those bastards are not heroes. Yet here I am trying and failing to protect those who believe in me. They just keep on coming thought...for some reason those 'monsters' believe in me. I do what I can if not for me then at least for them that is why I fight.

>> No.24007625

>Go shopping at an old mall that's apparently being closed down according to some rumors.
>Didn't know it existed in the first despite being right by my work place.
>Walk inside, find a bunch of people in elaborate costumes that look extremely real.
> Contemplate the possibility that they're shooting the next Face Off here.
>Walk into metal work shop that turns out to be an actual old timey blacksmith shop.
>See short old man with giant beard in corner working at the forge.

>> No.24007635

>Hire a certified Necromancer, and have him take your soul out. If you emancipate your soul, then cosmic forces can't do shit.

Are you looking for a necromancer? I can provide references.

>> No.24007636


Also, when a gargoyle of any stripe picks (or is assigned variety dependant) a place to guard, that's basically what they do. And they do a damn good job. Consider yourself lucky.

>> No.24007638

You whine a lot for a dark lord.

>> No.24007669

Thanks man, that's very informative. Seriously, it doesn't seem to be malicious in nature, and he seems complete bro-tier, so long as you pay due respect.

>Foo Dog Guardian
Holy...shit....you may be onto something man. The thing is huge, at least 1.5-2x the size of a normal German shepherd (I bred them for a time), extremely smart and loyal and seems to have an attachment to this particular cul-de-sac, won't go running with me outside of it. Also, it has some serious pride, and if it's not given suffice respect then it gets visibly agitated.

Any idea on what it might be? So I can better understand him

>> No.24007671

I never wanted to be one but they didn't give me choice. After tonight I should have an established hell gate. Let see those fucks deal with hell on earth. As I just 'forgot' to put in place taint absorbents.

>> No.24007676

Hey, its a tough job!
i mean look at this poor guy >>24007571 we can't even get a break for family occasions!

>> No.24007684


>> No.24007688

Wait really? From the way he was talking it sounded more like 3 or 4 steps down from princedom. Guess it's all a matter of perspective.

>> No.24007708

Sort-of elemental here, if the one who posted this is still here I recommend caution. Always be wary when dealing with the fae. SURE, an adorable little HALF-fae catboy comes by every week, sure he seems like a nice enough kid, go ahead and let him have some food and drink so long as it isn't poisonous or alcoholic, why not let him bring his little buddies by, surely someone so inoffensive can only be friends with NICE people! ...Next thing you know you find yourself being HARVESTED for raw materials.

>> No.24007712

Okay what you found there is a Troll Mall, the more evolved form of a Troll Market, sometimes called a Faerie Market. That's why you didn't find it before, it was hidden.

You also might have some magical ability if you found it.

>> No.24007716

Yeah nothing quite so evil as opening an gate with out using taint blockers. Payback is a bitch mother fuckers.

It can variate a bit either way its till really high up. Anyway anyone want a bet how long it takes him to fall? I put a vial of veteran angel tears and pillow stuffed full of fallen angel feathers on a week.

>> No.24007719

>Be Kobold
>Be bachelorette
>get tired of courting within species
what other races can get past the ritual obstacle course?

>> No.24007739

You really want to give those heroes something to cry about... Go look on the internet for whatever cartoon is stupidly popular at the moment, and then head over to the Protean Heart (You can find the planar address in Gylivios' Unabridged Guide to Useful Planes, page 67338) and toss some related paraphernalia into the void. then wait about an hour, and set up a gate between there and the earth for a few minutes. Soon you'll have the dream of every fan of the show coming true, and a nightmare for everyone else.

>> No.24007741 [DELETED] 

Sounds like a standard Gateway Guardian, Liondog type. You lucked out, those times don't have a good/evil preference, they are loyal to a house or sometimes, like the one we have, an apartment complex.
They like some basic attention, a scratch and run arround the block and the occasional landshark steak. (they were originally bread from earthdogs that hunt landshark)

>> No.24007746

My god you're a little girl.

>> No.24007750

OI. THE HELL IS THIS? I'm in here trying to find overlords who need a ghoul necromancer, and here comes this asshole. Quit trying to snipe overlords out from under me, jerkoff.

... On second thought, take necro-trips there. You deserve each other. I was looking for a bro-verlord, and you're a little bit too... whiny.

Halfings are pretty agile. Maybe some of the medium sized fae, where there wouldn't be a size issue.

>> No.24007755

I hear gnomes are good with that sort of thing.

>> No.24007763

It's possible that he was being "humble" (trying not to let you on to his real power). Or he may have been referring to others of his rank that are closer in blood to the throne.

Be fucking careful of what Devils tell you, dude. He may even have been referring being 3rd or 4th in the line of succession.

Also, everyone knows that Angels and them can fall, but some Demons can be redeemed as well. If this girl's in love with you, redeeming her would probably score you serious points with your order.

>> No.24007764

Sounds like a standard Gateway Guardian, Liondog type. You lucked out, those kinds don't have a good/evil preference, they are loyal to a house or sometimes, like the one we have, an apartment complex.
They like some basic attention, a scratch and run arround the block and the occasional landshark steak. (they were originally bread from earthdogs that hunt landshark)

>> No.24007787

hey! there's enough death to go around! And I'm not a ghoul, just a poor necromancer who's saving for lichdom like everyone else, so don't whine to me!

>> No.24007789

Does it look anything like the picture I'm attaching? Or similar to it and with a kind of liony mane?

Because if so you're a lucky fucker and managed to get a Guardian Dog, as in the kind that very well might have some amount of divine blood running in its veins and is badass incarnate. They scare off anything hostile and if they aren't scared by it they'll probably beat it in a fight anyways. I've heard of them biting through steel and when cars hit them it's the car that breaks.

>> No.24007799

>This little bitch is a overlord
The new generation.

>> No.24007802

goblins, gnomes, halfings, small lizardfolk breeds and assorted outsiders.

Nope I just got stuck on babysitting duty for a demon king's little princess. In exchange he got me some non-shielded hell linked portal stones, an army, and granted free passage for other demon forces who wish for a free ticket out of hell. Doubt I will survive long after tonight but hey at least I am gonna go down with bang and a place in the history books after this.

>> No.24007810

>implying you were never that young

>> No.24007832

Cool, thanks man. I'm new to all this stuff, I come from Midguard so we don't see much of this over there.

Also, thanks for the insight, quick question, would my local butcher carry Landshark or is that something I have to go to a specialist shop to find?

>> No.24007839

Just called my mother...
...no he's 4th ranked Archduke. He was the first. Turns out that was his way of complimenting my family tree.

Wish me luck on the redeeming.

>> No.24007842

No I was never like that. Hell I have this one hero I putting through the same shit he's going through and the bastard has responded by giving me the finger and going around shooting shit up. This ones just a little bitch
NEWSFLASH DUMMY. Everyone and their mothers tried that shit before and it's always collapsed

>> No.24007853

thanks, seriously I'll be the first to say, most Kobolds are assholes

>> No.24007875

We got a race of small sized Naga runnin 'round, nice folk-call themselves the Garieen, though they don't like the local orc tribe for some reason.

My Hobgoblin tribe partnered up with them against a adventurer incursion three summers ago, been close with 'em ever since.

>> No.24007876

Well aren't you precious. A hell gate. More prepared and competent evil guys have tried that before, it didn't work then, it won't work now. You'll cause a goodly public disturbance, might kill a number of folks, but it's hardly an evil master plan.

And you put the details up on the internet, great job.

>> No.24007888

Kind of man, but more of a snout on it, like a German shepherd, same stockiness.

My word, if that's the case that's awesome! I've noticed this part of town is pretty dingy, kobolds and sprites living in the area, except this street. Maybe that's the case. I'm going to have to do some serious research into this

>> No.24007910

Thought of that decided to link celestian counter measure to prevent collapse. Took me forever to figure out until my mother visited and showed me how.

Do you really think that's the only thing I am doing? Thanks to my mother visiting and having visited my old man I got some plans already in motion. No more sitting on my ass being a whiny bitch just waiting for a hero to finally succeed and take me out.

>> No.24007915

My outsider houseguests have found the whiskey.

I think I might be in some serious trouble here.

>> No.24007917

Ours does, but we live near a worldtree so, you know lot's of mage types. If the don't have it there's a website that'll teleport it to you for a modest fee.

>> No.24007934

So you're a mortal. Alright, I'll cut you some slack. It's different when you've got a timer hanging over your head. Pull this shit when you're a lich and we're gonna have some stern words though. See if your local Black Library has a copy of Gorshak's Grimoire, it has a few suggestions to get you started on lichdom.

Oh snap, I just thought of it... how about some of the smaller breeds of spiderkin? Like how that other guy had a spider lady in his attic. I'm sure there's a small spiderman who can make it through an obstacle course without breaking a sweat.

>> No.24007941

Yeah that is a slow clap award at best.
He posted the plan on the Internet, in a thread where a Paladin has been reading and posting.

Maybe this would be a good first date show her what I do for a living?

>> No.24007942

So basically the most well known and studied method for countering collapse? Jesus Christ kid you're no Tech and even he decided that trying that stupidity was basically just laying down in front of a crowd of spears.

>> No.24007951


Have you considered getting an enlarge person spell with permanency? That'll open your doors to a whole new spectrum of potential suitors...

Or do the inverse and find a nice biggie, and then put a permanent reduce person spell on them.

He could also look into joining a new order. There are some strange orders popping up that are more about goodness than holy wrath around here in Seattle. Pretty liberal bunch and they absolutely infuriate the more traditional orders, but they generally play on a 'Judge First, Talk Later, and then consider smiting' kind of modus operandi.

>> No.24007961

Spiderfolk ehh... Kinky....

>> No.24007974

also good, I am taking notes, just need to not get them lost amongst the security blueprints

>> No.24007977

Need advice. There's a ghost loli living in my house and she keeps sitting in my lap when I'm on my computer. My uncle is a wizard experienced in dealing with incorporeals so I asked him WHY and he suggested I cast Protection from Evil on my house. Well, the evil spirit that lives in my basement heard and it's pissed, but I can't go out to get spell components until tomorrow. How fucked am I?

>> No.24007988

s'all good man. I didn't mean to jack in your shit. Its just, you know, I used up all the bodies locally, and when i tried to move on some damn do-gooders vaporized all my skeletons. They got fined though as necromancy is not illegal around here and had to replenish my obsidian stocks, but I got nothing to animate and it's driving me crazy.

So, again, sorry. Stay dead and have fun man.

>> No.24007991


What's it like having a rouge as a roommate?

Mine is a rogue, and he's a lot less fun to deal with than I imagine a disembodied color would be.

>> No.24007994

Whatever it is you're a lucky man.

Honestly if we're not there in person we can only give some helpful advice and the most likely candidates, there's way to much variation and overlap between things to be positive. Even if I saw it myself it'd still take a pile of research to be sure what it is.

Maybe, depends on where you live, but probably not at the normal butcher. You'll need a specialist or to hit up the local ethnic section of town.

>> No.24008003

Oh, that's what it's supposed to be? Faerie Market. Cool. That explains the distinct feeling it had. Sort of like those malls where the kiosks selling random shit are a thousand times more interesting than the brand name stores. And I don't think I have magic. I just don't pay attention to where I'm going and kind of wound up there. Sort of like that other time where I somehow ended up in a parade with those funny people in costumes one warm summer night when I visited Japan Great people. Though they seem confused about what I was doing there. Anyways, I digress.
>Talk to short beard man.
>Man looks shocked to see me there.
>Kind of have to calm him down.
>Start talking to cool old dude.
>He brings out something that looks like tea but won't tell me what it is other than it's his special brew.
>Drink some with him and immediately start to cough and hack.
>Obviously, it's very strong tea.
>Start talking about more personal things like my family and old war stories my grandpa were in.
>Talk about how I regret not knowing the man since I was about 3 when died and my only memories are literally sitting on his lap.
>Old dude laughs and cries a little telling me about how he hasn't seen his grandchild for years.
>We talk the day away and soon I have to leave even if I don't want to.
>We exchange farewells and thank yous right before he hands an old rag wrapped around something.
>He tells me it was for his grandchild and insists I take it despite my embarrassment.
>Finally leave the mall and am walking back to my house when I funny feeling.

>> No.24008024

Nah bro, it's all cool.
Outsider's physiology has fuckall to do with regular biochemistry. You'll want to keep them away from stuff like salt and quartz. Crystallized substances can really fuck them up.

>> No.24008048

Offer the ghost loli a tea party if she helps defend you from the evil spirit.

Alternatively get some salt and make an unbroken circle of it around where you are and don't leave it.

>> No.24008051

So, I have come from the underdark to socialise with the "inferiors' or "future food slaves" as they call you down there, I need tips on getting people to not freak out at my sight.

>> No.24008066

Yep, it's a newer-more efficient nine-hells these days. I'm liking it, we're getting twice the sinners these days at about 2/3 the effort we used to put in.

though it does mean that there's a lot of succubus/corrupter type demons with empty workloads.

>> No.24008085

Is the the Japanese creepy type, or a general ghastly apparition?

>> No.24008087

Don't know how helpful the ghost loli will be protecting me, I'm pretty sure she's afraid of the dark.

>> No.24008089

They're drinking from the crystal glasses.

>> No.24008091

Honestly, it's pretty bizarre.
Like, things just randomly change colour. Nothing more of a pain then getting dressed and realizing your whole outfit is mismatched.

>> No.24008095


I'm assuming you're an Illithid. Probably the best way to get around without freaking people out is to stay in the down town areas of large cities. They tend to be more diverse and so people are less afraid of what they see.

Also, try and keep your mind to yourself. A lot of people get chills when people start poking their thoughts.

If nothing works, you can always consider renting a Necklace of Alterself.

>> No.24008099

Ghost loli is like a regular little girl only incorporeal. The other thing or things haven't shown themselves but they've done shit like turn the spiders in the basement toward the single purpose of trying to keep intruders out.

>> No.24008110

No such luck. Most of the more Liberal orders took off after Walker took office. Word from my order is if you can redeem her great if not, just stay true to your heart.
I see. Well after all this time it was rather nice he was reunited with his grandson.

>> No.24008113

Watch out for paladins. Also, moisturize, moisturize, moisturize: a lot of you underdark types forget and dry out after a couple of weeks top-side.

>> No.24008120

Man my mother is a bitch probably payback for not visiting her but still. The other plans will pull through many of taken the bait...Well shit looks like my sister took the bait shit thought she was gonna kill the others first, great just great.

You can try pally I burned through those a lot stronger then you no offense but your guys with your whole order membership and honor deal really makes it quite easy to kill you. Problem arise with your smiting though that shit hurts. No offense but you guys really need to learn how it actually feels like. When you do less villains will stop sprouting everywhere I swear.

>> No.24008130

... you just happened to find and end up in fucking Hyakki Yagyo, a fucking Night Parade of 100 Demons, didn't die, and are saying that you don't think you have magic? You really don't appreciate the magnitude of what you managed to do.

If you were a bit stupider I'd just assume that you were channeling the Fool somehow given how you just end up places like that.

>> No.24008131

A roommate is a roommate, ghost or not-ghost. Talk it out. The spiders part makes me think you have a gate to the Underdark down there, not a ghost. You'll want to move if that's it, because that's a whole bunch of shit you don't want.

I know that feel, nec-bro-mancer. I do people a service, cleaning up corpses stinking up the joint, and then suddenly it's paladin time. Fuckers.

Here's a tip for when you're a lich: Anyone who ever fucks with you, you now have free time to get back at them. That asshole who smote your skellies won't expect you to show up in 30 years with an army.

>> No.24008143

Well, tats good then. What you have there is a classic house-ghost. Just be nice to her.
But watch out for signs of her getting over-attached, she will have trouble adjusting if you move out and/or die if she becomes over-dependent and possibly slide into full-on ghastly haunter.

>> No.24008145

Dude, don't forget;
The dark is made of spiders.

>> No.24008150

good good, I already have a moisture ring on me, technically it's for long term raids, and hunts but yeah, I'm hitting downtown LA, I hear that few will be missed if they disappear from there, this is an extended trip.

>> No.24008162

Paladin guy here...evil ghost I'll handle if you keep ghost Loli calm. It's kind of a "To whom it may concern" than a got your name on it deal.

>> No.24008188

There's a couple of aboleths got woke up from their "slumber" by the fracking that started last year in my area. They are now going about, very politely and decisively buying up all the land in my valley, and they are going about it more efficiently than the oil companies, somehow.

Anyways, they bought the property off of my landlord, and just sent over a couple of goon-y looking fish guys to talk to me about either moving out, or getting adjusted for their "renovations" they want to do to the whole valley. I was half asleep at the time, (seriously who shows up at 5 AM to discuss this stuff), and I told them I don't have the money to move.

That was a week ago now, and now I've grown webbing between my fingers and I think I'm starting to grow a tail. I don't have any place to go, and I don't have the money to find a new place, you guys got any advice?

>> No.24008199

Oh yea, I got's me a list. But I was actually thinking of just doing a family line curse, you know, the ones his son's son son etc. etc. etc. will have to work off.
You know, go old school.

>> No.24008206

So, like a regular little girl then? Don't spoil her or she'll turn out a rotten bitch?

Fuck the underdark, time to call a pyromancer to cleanse it with fire.

Great, you cast Protection from Evil and I'll keep the ghost loli calm. She seems to like Carnival Phantasm.

>> No.24008219

Guys, a female Centaur girl on campus keeps asking if I want "rides to college" I accepted and... it was a back ride to college.

What does this mean? Is this some kind of joke or what?

>> No.24008227

L.A.'s good for that. And you'd be surprised how far a simple trench coat and floppy-hat will get you.

>> No.24008228

Illithid here, yeah, fire is the best way to deal with it, srsly

>> No.24008238


I've heard a rumor that a Succubus actually decided to visit one of those kindness oriented orders after being without work for a couple weeks and ended up joining it.

Plenty of similiar rumors abound, are the hells really losing demons even with the mortals practically lining up for hell now days?

Find whatever object is her Anchor in the house, put it in your car, and then sleep in your car (park it outside your house).

You clearly haven't seen Seattle then. Every week it seems like orders are going solo. Maybe it's a regional thing?

The Order of the Gentle Heart just started up a few weeks back, it's made up of almost entirely 'monsterous' humanoids, though they've been trying to get that term classified as hate speech.

If that happens, you can always adopt. Plenty of necromancers to attach her to something easier to carry around than a house (though you need to look into the laws of your district, many places have banned 'relocation' of ghosts after the ectoplasm smuggling scandal that rocked Alabama.

>> No.24008241

Nah. I just reminded him of his grandchild. I almost got the feeling he was crying because his grandchild was dead. And I don't I share his genetics as I have two feet on the guy.
>Anyways I turn around to see small green men with clubs. Probably one of the losing teams of Face Off looking for someone to blow a little steam on.
>Spend 3 minutes getting wailed on with the clubs.
>Very realistic.
> Finally push the guys off me enough to get away and catch my breath.
>Take out clothe with object inside.
>Did I mention that the unknown object was probably metal and vaguely sword shaped?
>Yeah. It's definitely like a sword only somehow spiral in shape.
>Stab green guy in the eye, momentarily contemplating my act of murder but get distracted by all the screaming.
>So loud.
>Rest of the guys run off.

>> No.24008242

...Okay then, I'm sure energy drain feels a lot better.

>> No.24008249

Everyone likes Carnival Phantasm, it's pretty much a constant of the universe.

Could be, it could just be a girl who wanted to help you out, or one who was trying to flirt and got embarrassed partway when you said yes.

Look, if you like the girl ask if she'd like to go out for some coffee and say you'd like to go on a date, it's that simple.

>> No.24008260

Sorry, I have ADD probably. I do weird stuff sometimes.

>> No.24008265

sound's like my kind of wardrobe, checking crime reports and wanted people, grabbing a police scanner too, mind you LA is mostly just going to be a bed and larder, I will try to meet some of the worthwhile inferiors.

>> No.24008274

>So, like a regular little girl then? Don't spoil her or she'll turn out a rotten bitch?

Exactly. She was probably human once and is just lonely. You'd be surprised how many massive, messy and expensive ghost hunts (lookin at you paladins) can be avoided if you just extend some basic kindness.
If her head spins around and goo flies everywhere, THEN you call team smite.

>> No.24008288


His mommy had to show him how.

I mean, shit, me and my friends are like right outside his room right now, but we seriously might let the stupid thing leak a little before we shut it just out of pity


>> No.24008296

Well, I'd stay away from Denver, it's all Wild Zone out here and i think you want to avoid the Faefolk. Earth spirits can be really territorial.

>> No.24008318

It was a compliment of sorts, most people would die terribly if they did what you did. The Fool is one of the most important parts of the tarot and represents some extremely powerful primal forces.

You're the sort of person who can dodge bullets by just happening to bend down to pick up a quarter.

>> No.24008327

Dude, riding on a centaur is some serious business.
I'm not saying it's a marriage proposal or anything, but she's clearly down for the D

>> No.24008328

Alright I can be there in a few. Actually the Loli ghost probably won't be effected by protection from evil, as she doesn't seem evil yet. Though the turn undead I plan to do before hand to weaken or drive off that evil spirit might scare her.

>> No.24008340


Stupid-ass gate was disabled, dismantled, parts are on ebay if anyone more competent wants em

>mfw I'm not even a paladin

>> No.24008353

>I've heard a rumor that a Succubus actually decided to visit one of those kindness oriented orders after being without work for a couple weeks and ended up joining it.
>Plenty of similiar rumors abound, are the hells really losing demons even with the mortals practically lining up for hell now days?

Its true, with the heaven/hell wars cooling off there's a lot of Celestials and Daemons looking for better work. And it's a spirit-folk market out there. An incubus calling himself Vost opened club called Heaven & Hell, hes got angel's, daeva's, succubi, heck, even a couple of Oni working there.

>> No.24008356

was already on our blacklist for raiding, how anyone lives there is beyond us

>> No.24008359

How would I go about finding what's anchoring her to my house? She doesn't seem to know, the place is filled with antique magic items my grandparents keep bringing back, and divination magic is spotty round these parts. The wizards need to do something about that.

>> No.24008397

You know how it is being a fae and all, got plenty of time on my hands so hobbies galore. Well my newest hobby is sponsoring a wizard cabals forbidden knowledge. Turns out that they love making things 'interesting' as much as I do, the latest gift seemed to had used the knowledge of refined capturing outsiders to turn some lesser god into a battery, THIS IS GREAT! I was thinking about 'convincing' them to plug this random transformation artifact I 'stumbled upon' into their new battery, should I make it effect the whole world to a lesser extent or a continent to a greater effect?

>> No.24008400

Well, It's nice. But I can see how folk adapted for a sunless environment would see it as hell on earth. (no offense)

If you stay in LA I got a cousin who runs a waystop/tavern and has no issues with tentacles as well as a large sub-basement. I can pop you his contact info if you want.

>> No.24008419

For that you need a diviner. Or, ansense every item individually.

>> No.24008421

It will be something associated with child hood. A doll, a picture, a painting, a child's book. Something that once belonged to her.

>> No.24008448

I don't believe in Tarot or magic at all really. I think there's a rational explanation for everything that happens. Though sometimes I'm just not smart enough to really think of one. In those cases I just ignore it.
>Anyways. Look at dead green guy.
>Decide to take anything of value on him since I'd rather take the bus home and funnily enough I came to the mall without my wallet.
>Find a small pouch full of coins on him. About 13 coins all gold and shiny.
>A bit disappointed all he had was stage props on him.
>Take club too before noticing I can't see too well due to all the blood from my head getting in my eye.
>Decide to avoid getting clubbed in the future.
>Start walking again.

>> No.24008469

Not necessarily. I once helped clear out the Onryƍ of a young girl; the anchor was a damn shaving kit, like one with a straight razor and tallow based shaving cream.

Seems she used it to shave her invalid father everyday until he was killed.

>> No.24008475

Wrong place and guy moron. Guy wasn't kidding when he said he had back up plans. Guy was planted several viral cancer bombs, a few vortex nexi, and even chained a bunch of gates to an amazing array of realms(seriously how the HELL did he network this many without there being an collapses or fails and shit). Luckily he forgot about the feedback collapse count amplified by Gendrens law wouldn't have been a problem normally but he just had so much set up. Still had to go through all his damn countermeasures though bastard managed to even have Feed crystal installed. Thankfully heroes kept him busy before chucking him in a portal. Fools thought he had only one gate. Now to just unload all this amazing shit. Thought the guy was a moron nope just a noob if he survives for long though its not gonna be pretty his old man was on to something.

>> No.24008492

That's the problem. I live in an apartment above my grandparents' garage and my grandparents have filled the house with magic items they picked up from estate sales and the salvation army and shit. Porcelain dolls, stuff animals, childrens books, childrens toys, and that's just the stuff associated with children. Whatever else is down there probably rode in on an antique gun or some shit.

>> No.24008508

Still, seriously, overlords/masterminds these days think they invented the triple-inverse paper-tiger gambit.

>> No.24008524

So yeah, I don't know if it was the booze or the crystal in the glasses, but I now have an increasingly drunk pair of diametrically-opposed outsiders in my living room who at present seem to be loudly arguing over the ultimate fate of my soul.

Why is it that Mondays are the worst?

>> No.24008539

Hey, i think we're autosaging, we got a technomancer who can bump us back up top?

>> No.24008551


>> No.24008571

I just hope he doesn't ever truly awaken any time soon. As its gonna take time to find a group capable of killing this guy. Hopefully the profits of this venture should fund finding a group of exceptional individuals and not the common run of the mill crap. Guy is easily capable of taking them out I just hope I wont have to declare a Crusade shit always really hits a fan when its get that bad.

>> No.24008580

Well, going by what HT said in >>24008353, they don't have much else to do

>> No.24008589


Well... There are a couple spells that can be used to temporarily banish ghosts back into their anchors for a short time, and usually in a very visible fashion... But those spells also tend to be very traumatic for the ghosts so I don't think they'd be very helpful... Maybe if you could find a good Arcanist they could whip you up a really weak version of that kind of spell? I know there've been some necromancers on recently so they might be able to help you.

Craziness. With all this moral asymmetry, I'm starting to worry that the inevitable might start getting agitated.

>> No.24008603

I tried, but they got wards against it.

>> No.24008619

Naw man, best we could do is bind her to a new foci. Or change her into a bodak, but I don't think you want that.

>> No.24008626

Well that is one Evil spirit that won't be doing much. Anyway, your protection from evil is up, and when Loli Ghost decides it's safe for her to come back down from the attic she'll go back to spending time with you. Give her about 15 minutes after I leave.

>> No.24008630

So, I got my first target, an awakened Doberman leading a nasty gang network

>> No.24008674

You talkin 'bout Drak the Dog?! Shit man, that's some serious stuff.

>> No.24008701

what he's just a dog, granted the whole, skinning a live cat as initiation thing IS messed up.

>> No.24008746

Yea, but he was controlling all the races and kennels along the Pacific Coast Highway. Had a paw in designer pet foods too.

>> No.24008771

New thread BTW >>24008710

>> No.24008792

So... giving them both the dick isn't as bad an idea as I thought it might be?

Because that sounds like it has the potential to be the best thing ever.

>> No.24008798

I feel confident about this, although this is higher profil than I was lead to believe, but if he goes missing, an entire mob network gets destabilized, at the very least the rival Gith gangs will have more distractions.

>> No.24008815

Have you ever considered non-standard animation? It's good practice, and you'll find no end to the number of dead things you can use. For example, I recently animated an old dead peach tree in my yard. Its roots are pulling microscopic fragments of onyx and gold from the ground, and collecting it in the dry fruit husks that are growing on it, replacing normal seeds.

>> No.24008824

Sure man, get while the getting is good.The demon will be easy, but between the two of you you can get goody-two shoes in bed (can you say interplanar threesome)

>> No.24008888


>wrong place and guy

Mistakes aren't really what we do down here in the Deep Sewers, sonny.

The world ending because of some angsty child's grudge is not to our benefit, so we saw to it that the plot was ended.

We gathered heroes, we equipped them, we tested them. We even assisted you, anon. You would not have survived tampering with the feed crystal of that gate if we had not dispelled the Seal of Vercingetorix for you as you worked.

>> No.24008901


In the morn we shall return to the sewers, leaving only our quads behind.

>> No.24008905

Please tell me someone archived all this

>> No.24008999

oh yea.

>> No.24009076



>> No.24010361

Son of a bitch he had one of those seals installed after all shit. Fuck now I am gonna have really make sure this kid doesn't live long enough to completely awaken or mature for that matter god help us if he pulls off both.

>> No.24011006

Drink more water, this will help realign your elemental imbalance

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