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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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[ERROR] No.23434951 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]


>> No.23434982

Damn it Chuck, I thought we agreed you weren't going to wear that anymore.

No, it doesn't make you look like a badass servant of the dark gods.

You have a face on your junk.

This is why we never get invited on Black Crusades.

>> No.23435013



>> No.23435031

I know right? It's like this every goddamn time. At least Carl isn't running around trying to be a khornate champion today. Killing your teamates doesn't make you Khornate. It makes you a team killing fucktard.

>> No.23435058

Man fuck Carl.

"Ooh, but Kharn does it."

Yeah, well you know what Carl, when you are a giant murder-powered avatar of Khorne's fury who can bisect a Leman Russ with a single swing, then you can get away with being a teamkilling fuckup.

>> No.23435114

Did you hear he got Paul last time? I mean, yeah he was going around calling himself "Xantarius, the Soul Tainted" like an idiot but he did make a good grox-hide soup. Now all we have is that creepy fat guy claiming to be the plague lord cooking up jumbo.

>> No.23435138

I bisected a Sentinel's leg.
After 10 swings.

Doesn't that count?

>> No.23435175

Fuck you Carl. That thing got hit several plasma shots. I watched you beat it with your broken pipe-sword thing. It's not an artifact of the dark gods. It's some lead piping that's been sharpened at one end.

>> No.23435176

Shut up Carl, if you're going to teamkill, go kill someone no-one will miss, like Jim the Molester.

I'm sick of telling that asshole that there's more to Slaanesh than raping things, but will he listen, no. Heretics like him give the rest of us a bad name.

>> No.23435185

You can't tell me what to do. Now hold still while I jerk off on your new flak armour.

>> No.23435211

Fuck you! Khorne blessed that pipe. Bill told me so!

Fuck you guys, Tim told me he was a licensed doctor and I should get a prostate exam, from him.
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
I'll keep him alive just to plague you.

>> No.23435222

See what you did? You mentioned his name and now he's going to violate all the new stuff from our last raid. I swear to the dark gods, if you gum up my autogun again I'm going to beat you with it until it works.

>> No.23435228

Guys look! Look at me! I told you guys! Guys! I'm finally an Obliterator!

>> No.23435252

Who let Martin out of his cage?

>> No.23435260

Bill has Nurgle's Rot, half his brain melted out his ears, why do you still listen to Bill?

Oh great, I thought you'd gone and died on the last raid, but here you are, like a bad case of slaaneshi crabs. This day can't get any worse.

>> No.23435278

Jim here.


>> No.23435296

No-one's going to feel sorry for you Jim, especially not while you're grinding up against my leg. I swear, if you leave a stain on my armour again.

>> No.23435325

Jim would use fucking emotes wouldn't he? Just when I thought Slaaneshi faggots couldn't get more intolerable.

Except you George.
You're okay for a Slaaneshi faggot.

>> No.23435338

Heh, Tim cracks me up. Fucking Tzeentchian pranksters man.

Remember that time he nailed an Inquisitorial Rosette to Greg's forehead while he was sleeping, then sent him to relay a message to another warband. Classic.

Shame about what happened to Greg.

>> No.23435342

Damn it guys, stop fighting! How else can we bring death to the false emperor?
And Carl, teamkilling makes you a moron, nothing else. Atleast i can foresee what's about to happen, but the rest of us aren't so fortunate. That's so immature of you.

>> No.23435346

So guys, am I really supposed to remove the skulls and offer them to Khorne after the battle? I don't think He likes it. Seems to me like picking up leftovers after the feast.

>> No.23435350


Hey fuck you man, you cannot imprison a mighty Obliterator!

And who are you even to talk, you keep trying to convince everyone that your shitty poodle is actually a Flesh Hound of Khorne, even though you just dunked it in red paint and gave it a spiky collar!

>> No.23435370

Nah bro, you don't want to offer Khorne skulls. You've got it all wrong. Khorne likes dicks, build a big mound of dicks in Khorne's name, he'll love it.

>> No.23435397

Martin that's not Obliterator armour, you're wearing eight suits of guard flak.

Let's just wait until he trips over and roll him back into the cage.

>> No.23435399

Don't talk shit about Fluffy the destroyer.

>> No.23435404

Tim, you fucking piece of shit, you're making Khorne mad. Go full Slaanesh if you want, but don't drag the rest of us down, man.

>> No.23435412

To be fair, it is a chaos poodle. It's mutated an extra fluffy tail and everything.

>> No.23435440


Nuh-uh! I ain't going back into that cage! That shitty-ass poodle keeps humping my leg.


>> No.23435464

Don't ruin this for me, Reggie is such a dumbass he might actually do it. Then we can watch Khorne spawn his ass.

>> No.23435513

Dumbass? Well, fuck you too, Tim. At least I can do proper arson. Or did you forget about the time Jim had to help you when you tried burning down the schola?

>> No.23435516

What are you twits doing! Stop with the infighting! You'll ruin everything before Lord Abbadon gets here! Then we'll be uninvited from his next party!

>> No.23435526

Hey, that actually sounds like fun! Let me get my warp-beer and help you plot a little, just to make sure Tzeentch doesn't spawn me too.

>> No.23435554

I remember that, Jim lit his dick on fire and tried to arson-rape the schola.

Did I mention recently that I hate Jim.

>> No.23435566


I am a mighty Obliterator! He will surely accept me into the Black legion! Unlike Carl and his sharpened lead pipe.

>> No.23435571

Well forgive me, mister ┬┤┬┤BLOODSKULLSWAR┬┤┬┤, but we are trying to have a little fun here. If we don't have fun, we are no better than the imperials.
Also i need a distraction from my mutations, a beak just grew into my neck and it's whispering insanity in my ear, and frankly it's kinda pissing me off.

>> No.23435577

Oh no, I'm not falling for that one again. Last time I you told us Lord Abbadon was coming, I got out my best cloak made from the flayed hides of my enemies, polished up my chainaxe and tortured several small animals for good luck, and it was just Stumpy Joe the armless renegade in an Abbadon mask.

>> No.23435605

Just put a rubber band around it, can't whisper shit if it's tied shut.

>> No.23435654

Do we even want to come. I mean sure we get to meet lots of interesting people, but getting shot at by Cadians and blindsided by baneblades for a month before Abbadon goes "oh well, we'll get them next time" and buggers off back to the warp isn't really my idea of fun.

>> No.23435676


Hey, don't talk shit about Abaddon! He is the hero Chaos deserves, just... Not the one it needs right now! Yeah!

>> No.23435702

My syphallitic Nurglite grandmother is a better hero of Chaos than Abaddon.

>> No.23435712

Isn't your grandmother a daemon prince now though?

So that isn't really saying much.

>> No.23435716

What's going on in the threa-

Ah fuck.

>> No.23435742

Dibs! I'll go get my eight-pointed dildo.

>> No.23435773

Well that's arkward, how did you get here? No let me guess: Your psyker fucked up again, right?

>> No.23435794

Loyalist or Heretic, your psykers will fuck you over.

>> No.23435854


Trooper Anderson... I think we need some support here.

>> No.23435863

Have you ever considered converting to chaos. We have a far higher acceptance of incompetence, as you can clearly see from Carl over there.

>> No.23435903


>> No.23435904

Aww yea, I remember when she came over ad gave all of us cookies.

Granted, I shat Nurglings for a month, but those were damn fine cookies.

>> No.23435925

Bloody Imperial Guard, can't even take a day off without them blundering in.

Who wants to do the dark ritual this time?

>> No.23435947


Not really my thing....

by the way, as you were talking I had a voxman order an artillery strike.

>> No.23435952


>> No.23435953

I grew an extra anus after my third one.

You're right though, totally worth it.

>> No.23435975

Do you often call artillery strikes on your own position?

...and people call us crazy.

>> No.23435990

Dave what happened to your mouth, did you mutate again?

How are you not spawn yet, you crazy fucker.

>> No.23435999


Atleast we guardsmen are given helmets...

unlike that guy running around with eight things of Flak Armour. He's a special one.

>> No.23436022

I have a helmet, I'm just not wearing it right now, because Jim masturbated in it again.

Also, pretty sure your helmet isn't going to save you from the artillery strike.

>> No.23436033


Gods dammit Dave, I told ya drinkin' summa dat Daemonette titmilk is gon' turn ya into a spawn no time, butcha ain't listened, 'cause you a stubborn sonuvabitch. Now look at yaself!

>> No.23436036

Rhgarblorl rotlgoekti magrbblws...



>> No.23436037

Its probably for the greater good

>> No.23436045


ah...Well... Im just stick this bayonet into now then.

Have fun being eaten by warp Deamons.

>> No.23436048

Hah, classic Dave.

Every time I think about leaving this shitty warband and going solo Dave says something awesome and I just can't bear to leave.

>> No.23436054

It's not ordinary cum! Slaneesh has granted your helmet another layer of armor.

>> No.23436056



>> No.23436059

Well sure Martin is a total fuckup.

But you know, he IS wearing eight suits of guard flak, so, you know, he's got a pretty good kill count for someone who's functionally retarded.

>> No.23436066

I heard that, ya corpse-lovin' cockmongler! And this ain't eight flak vests, I'm a mighty Obliterator! Can't you see my twisted flesh and my mighty weapons?

>> No.23436069

>Have fun being eaten by warp Daemons.

I always do.

>> No.23436083



>TFW I loved Dawn of War's dialogue.

>TFW I can't play DoW2 yet.

Is the second one better than the first? (No dirty Eldar rapefaggotry?)

>> No.23436086

What's with all the Guardsmen around here suddenly... and a Tau of all things.

Did the lines get pushed back while we were screwing about. Fuck, I hate when that happens.

>> No.23436098

Fear not! I will obliterate them all!

>> No.23436099


You have an Autogun and a goddamn laspistol. Give me a break o mighty cockwhistler.


Creepy...shouldnt you be dying on the end of my bayonet.

>> No.23436100

>Is the second one better than the first?

Not if you like RTS

>> No.23436108


Blragl, dulede, blragl

>> No.23436109


I don't like it since it took out base-building.

>> No.23436118

Jim's used to being penetrated.

>> No.23436124


Fuck that Tau guy. sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively.

>> No.23436138


Just shuddap and die.

>> No.23436140

Someone go slap Chuck, get him to stop crying about us making fun of his face-codpiece and get in here to do some warp shit or something. Guardsmen coming out of the woodwork suddenly.

>> No.23436152

Dave, you're spewing acid again, you just melted off my arm you asshole.

Ah who am I kidding, I can't stay mad at you.

>> No.23436162


>> No.23436171

I'm a lover, not a dyer.

>> No.23436173

The talking one ?

>> No.23436175


I'd rather he keep his extra layers of armor. The last time one of his Princes and I got drunk he... Nevermind. Also, I didn't know about pussy farts until one of those things grew on my back.

And I'm going to kill Jim when I catch him. All these tentacles are at least good for that.

>> No.23436181


Chill dude, last time Dave melted my dick off, I grew a tentacle in its place in a day.

...Sure, Jim keeps pestering me about wanting to try it, but it's hella fun.

>> No.23436191

Yeah, it's cool, plenty more talking arms out there, but only one Dave.

>> No.23436197

Arglbl, girrileeeeee....

>> No.23436198

Baby I'll let you catch me if you ask real nice.

>> No.23436213


... Fuck that noise, I'll just give the Prince your number.

And who the fuck called in the arty? My hangover is bad enough already.

>> No.23436218

Im outta here, just you guys talking is giving me a headache.

And it keeps talking to me.

>> No.23436230

It's just some guardsmen, nothing to worry about.

Pretty sure most of the artillery strike just shelled their own lines anyway.

You sure you don't want to join, no Commissars in chaos warbands.

>> No.23436232

Guardsmen, take a knee. We've got bad news from the vox. Our Catachan Rene-for cements have been overwhelmed by Tzneech cultists, who were apparently waiting in ambush. Their corpses have taken the field against us as chaos spa... Uh, well you know. We're gonna need to dig in and hope the emperor is watching us this day.

>> No.23436233


>> No.23436250


Dude, wait until you get a proper hangover from one of the brewery parties. Now THAT is some deep shit you hear.


Ah, ok cool. I thought we were fighting again. I'm not quite sure which part of me does what this time, the party got a bit out of hand last night.

>> No.23436257


I heard one of your guys was a team killing fucktard.

We have are own team killing fucktards. Atleast they dont mutate me.

Ah there we go, Have fun with these Kriegers boys. they dont talk much.

>> No.23436270

how handy is a crotch tentacle anyway?

>> No.23436277

At least you passed out before Nurgle Frank started table dancing naked.

I mean sure I've looked into the very soul of the warp and my sanity has been blasted to ribbons upon the tides of the empyrean, but fucking hell that was traumatizing.

>> No.23436284


The Emperor Always watches. Might as well stay, the headache keeps telling me anyway.

>> No.23436292

You can hold an extra autopistol with your dick, it's worth it just to see the looks on your enemies' faces.

>> No.23436294



>> No.23436311


...No I didn't, someone just stole my spine. One of my eyes was ON the fucking table. I tell you, the depths of hell...


Hey, it's been a while since the last BSDM party.


It's great for scratching your ass.

>> No.23436321

The Imperials have a girl psyker, why don't we have a girl psyker. I'm sick of Chuck and his stupid crotch-face robe.

>> No.23436351

Pull up a rock and take a seat, friend. We're not so bad. You want anything?

We've got all kinds of drugs, also since Bruno earned Slaanesh's favour last week he's been lactating some fantastic amesac.

>> No.23436353

Anyone else smell that...


>> No.23436358

Woah! Hey there foxy psyker momma. You wanna tell me what the problem is? Maybe you and I could go round back of this tent and I could show you my "Plasma Pistol". Be careful though! It "gets hot", HOO HAH!

>> No.23436372

Nice try, Tim.

>> No.23436421

Chuck: Noisy psyker with awful sense in fashion
Carl: Wannabe Khornate Champion with sharpened lead pipe. May have a mutated poodle.
Jim: The Molester. Only interested in the rapey bit of Slaanesh. Uses emoticons, the twat.
Martin: Thinks he's an obliterator. Is really wearing 8 flak vests and wielding an autogun and a laspistol.
Bill: Has Nurgle's Rot. Kinda dumb.
Tim: Tzeentchian Prankster. Sane.
Reggie: Dumb Khornate and arsonist.
Radghast the Bloodfest: Khornate. Likes Abaddon's parties.
Khezul Daemonsoul: Tzeentchian guy, mutating
Dave: Not-quite-Spawn likable dude
Swipe: Very unlucky. Should stop drinking with Daemon Princes.
Adam: Lost Imperial Guardsman.

>> No.23436452


Blame Tony, he killed ours to make a "Psychic Boob Hat" now no new ones want to join us.

>> No.23436457

All in all, one of the more functional warbands on the planet.

Now that's a sad thing to admit.

>> No.23436460


Actually its Adam: Supporting Guardsmen

and Trooper Anderson, Lost and Mouth Guardsmen.

>> No.23436470

You gotta admit though, its a great looking hat

>> No.23436471



even though Jim likes his mouth.

>> No.23436474

Well just keep him away from my Slaanesh blessed amesac-tits.

Tony is as bad as Carl, I swear to the dark gods.

>> No.23436497


No it's not. It's got quirky nipples.


I'm not sure Anderson is quite that keen on the attention though.

>> No.23436502

By the thousand mouths of Tzeentch, i leave for a little errand, and now you're fondling with imperials?
Gods damn me, they didn't even have aspirin in the Eye of Terror! My new teeth on my shoulder is starting to itch.
Damn you guys.

>> No.23436505

So are you sticking around or what?

I think we've got some extra spikes and dirty rags round here if you want to join.

>> No.23436517


No thank you, Chaos cock is not on my list of things to put in my mouth.

>> No.23436519

Chill, Khezul, pretty sure they're going crazy, so we'll have some new members soon.

New members with actual training, which is more than I can say for half this warband.

>> No.23436531


Well it is if you're into cow-tits, I swear to Tzeentch I haven't a clue how she was able to walk upright with those damn things.

>> No.23436534

Ooh, hey, a new mouth! You have no idea how hard it is to speak through an evershifting mess of tentarblglesgolltriiiiiii...

Glarb. AURBLFISBDLIF! Gibbblblblbll....

>> No.23436539


I was gonna let the Kriegers get ya, but mouthing off in my trench is better.

Even though my Headache is telling me to rip you all in half.

>> No.23436546


...Yet. Wait till you see what they offer for drinks outside the proper parties.


...Actually, I think that's mine. Someone palyed a little trick on you I think. How'd it end up there?

>> No.23436548

They were probably fake, lightweight tits.

I hear psykers can do that with biomancy.

>> No.23436554

Told you bro. Told you 'bout the Daemonette titmilk

>> No.23436558

Heh, classic Dave.

>> No.23436568

Okay, if you do feel like ripping someone in half, might I suggest Carl or Jim.

>> No.23436572


Affri GLULDIL oajgsssl!

>> No.23436581

Dear God. If only we had a chapter of Astartes that were bred specifically with dealing with Chaos. That'd be useful. Hopefully they would be kind to us humble guardsmen and not destroy us because we became aware of their existence. Huh. That was an oddly specific thing to come out of my mouth.
Catchable: secure Hyetchi
That is now the name of the planet this is happening on.

>> No.23436585

I better hope they are better than those last idiots we had. The Slaaneshi guy could barely move without moaning and shivering, the Undivided fellas just circlejerked about chaos and the psyker that was supposed to accompany me teleported himself into the belly of an ogryn!
>>23436546 W-wait, your teeth? Let's see... Well, they do seem yours, but they're fused in my flesh, and they seem to blacken.
Well, Tzeentch favours me!...I-i guess.

>> No.23436594

Makes sense, after all, Tony's been carrying them into battle atop his head ever since. Then again Tony did take that one guy's spine, maybe he made a super-human "double-spine" to support it all.

>> No.23436595


No thanks, I'll stick to the water that tastes like piss.


Probably Jim... most definitely Jim.


did...Did you just insult me, or ask me to dinner?

>> No.23436602

Damn this vox and it's horribly outdated auto correct!

>> No.23436617


Hey, fuck you Halfman. I've got enough arms and things to grab a lot of things at once and use them too!


..Where did you exactly go? Because I know exactly where those teeth came from.

>> No.23436636

Blargl HONKhonk

>> No.23436653

Someone care to translate?

So, did the Vox mention anything about NON-TEAMKILLING support yet?

>> No.23436662

Well, i got a headache listening to you, so i just took the next daemon-bus to the Eye of Terror, and went to the Supermarket of the Dark Gods. They didn't have any aspirin, so i ended up just buying one slave-hot-dig. So where did them teeth pop from, eh?

>> No.23436667


I could translate that, but you'd start to rethink about the cocks you mentioned.

>> No.23436683


Bike horn? Maybe he's slowly turning into a clown... By the Warp, that is even more terrifying.

>> No.23436687

Well, I'm lost...

You chaps haven't seen a hivefleet anywhere, have you? It's just I've been mentally pulling this craftworld for a while, and y'know... yeaaah

>> No.23436701

Things aren't looking good, Anderson. What seems to be the head count of those still loyal?

>> No.23436703

Hello Boys. Heard my buddy Jim needed some back up.

>> No.23436704


Which head did you listen to?

I lost the hole those came from, but I got this powersaw-screamingorifice-tentacle-thingy in return. Neat eh?

>> No.23436711

SLUUSS! Blrgityurglebur, raaaduldldlaaah.

>> No.23436730


...I know you, don't I.

Yeah, I do.


>> No.23436734

18 Kriegers, One Basilisk, a Handful of Catchans and twelve of use Cadians.

Great. Just fucking Great.

>> No.23436735



>> No.23436736


Jim get your gods damn Slaaneshi whores out of here, this is the warband's command room, not your personal brothel.

>> No.23436759



>> No.23436769

Oh hey, ain't you the one whose titmilk Dave tried? heh, Dave, that silly goose.

>> No.23436773

Eh, neat.
If you like it, i'm not a huge fan of mutations.
The beak in my neck started screaming, i'm having a dizzy feeling as my third eye just opened in the forehead, teeth in my shoulder, seven fingers and bony claws on left hand, and i can feel a tail starting to grow.
And it hurts like a Slaaneshi bachelor party, may i add. I'd sell my soul for aspirin if i wouldn't already have.

>> No.23436780


Fine, I'll go! Damn, you ask for a little help around here...

>> No.23436789


Hey, why don't you take >>23436735 with you? He's been babbling for days about some Hive Fleet, I'm sure he could show you to where it is.. far, far away from here.

>> No.23436797

Well there's good news and bad news.
Good news, you've been promoted to Sgt. After something devoured your CO. Bad news is the nearest Astartes reinforcements can be expected to arrive in about 25 Terran years. Until then, all we'll be getting are incoming PDF volunteers from the surrounding systems.
captcha: Vingov tried
Sorry about Sgt. Vingov, bro.

>> No.23436806 [DELETED] 

Arlha! Bliffurghl'kta! Urillsgufirhblblae...

>> No.23436810


Your crotch skull is embarrassing, Chuck, it's even worse than Tony's boob hat. I mean you didn't even take it that extra mile and line it up so your dick hangs out of the mouth.

>> No.23436817


>That unclosed parenthesis

Fuck you

Just.... fuck you

>> No.23436834


Well fuck. Vingov gone, ASStartes far enough away that my piss tasting canteen will erode, I've got barely any men left, and im pretty sure my head is about to implode.

What else is next.

>> No.23436840


...It is hanging from the mouth. Between the eight and ninth molars.

>> No.23436854


Not the last time I checked. But excuse me for avoiding Chuck and his crotch skull.

>> No.23436888


Im going to start throwing grenades at you now.

>> No.23436909

Irrr owgrillooooo...


>> No.23436914


>> No.23436924

Wait.... What's in this pool over here. Actually, how long has this pool been here? The fuck?
Oh my god, Sgt! Something is surfacing here! Out of the god damned pool!

>> No.23436935


Hey, the resident midget showed up! How's it hanging man?

>> No.23436940

Arlha! Urillsgufirhblblae! Bliffurghl'kta...

>> No.23436947

Thank the maker! Some genius saw fit to leave hidden reinforcements in case of emergency!

>> No.23436951

Alrighty Boys, Everyone jump on the Basilisk, we are getting the fuck outta here.
Segmentum Command can lick my nuts.


You know what... Here s my number. Call me later.

>> No.23436974


Whose job was it to clean the pool!?

How did you not see this?

>> No.23436976

Curse it! All right, time to see what good you lot are at!
Attack this thing! My sorcery shall aid you!
Fuck, i could use some aspirin still...

>> No.23436982



>> No.23436995

NO WAIT! I'm an Obliterator! I can blow it up! I can blow it ALL up! HAHAHA!

>> No.23436996




>> No.23436998

was that Dave? hahaha i warned Jim about handing that stuff out. but he earned it, had Jim tied down for days. good clean fun for all really.

Sgt. now are you? always liked a man in uniform.

>> No.23437003


...I know the driver. Hell hath no fure like that of a woman's scorn...


>> No.23437007


My headache told it me it would be alright.

Just vox me later... dont let anyone else see.

>> No.23437024

Someone needs to make this into a saturday morning cartoon.

>> No.23437028




>> No.23437032

oh stop, your making me blush.
oops, tags

>> No.23437034



>> No.23437045

Oh great, now I'm getting Black Crusade flashbacks.

Going to go find that daemonette and snort powdered chaos off her dick or something.

>> No.23437057

Dont worry, i got this

>> No.23437077

Speaking of our glorious warmaster, where is he?
He needs to organize defense gainst that thing!

>> No.23437083

It's not my fault he keeps accepting Tzeentchian gifts on top of the Slaaneshi ones...

...You have to admit he's got a couple bitchin' pairs of tits though...


It's one of those lesser blessings of the Goddess of Pleasure, like being able to touch your heel to the back of your head.

>> No.23437092

This is incredible. Are any of you people from the old 40k roleplaying threads from years ago, or did this just spontaenously pop up among a new generation of posters?

>> No.23437094

you heard the man, chop chop.

>> No.23437102

Praise the dark gods!

>> No.23437111


>I was in some of those


I'm not sure if I'm to be amused or horrified here.

>> No.23437114


>> No.23437119

Well sir, the shields and movement controls are fully functioning, and the weapons are fully stocked with all the ammo we'll ever need, but there's a "Techpriest Carl" that is in charge of the Titan that I can't seem to find. He should be able to help us coordinate the sudden influx of manpower.

>> No.23437123

dont worry, anders i havnt forgotten you. saving you for later. just get some rest

new generation, been dying to do a 40k rpg. Just barely started RPGs, pathfinder, but have been lurking for years. remember reading the old stuff.

>> No.23437128

I blame Jim

>> No.23437133


My headache tells me to tell you to be amused.

I think.

>> No.23437135

one of my hans is no lonher wing jimn dont rape trhe titanf wont go weell remmember barbara?

>> No.23437138


You see, this is why I don't worship Slaanesh, it's all about having seven dicks and mountainous tits. Where's the love for DFC?

>> No.23437143

>Techpriest Carl

We have a Carl over here, maybe he's the one you're looking for.

>> No.23437144

This is all good and well for bringing forth the will of the Lord of Pain, etc. etc., but CAN'T WE STOP THE TITAN?!
Ow, i just grew a talon in my leg.
Great, now i'll have to take painkillers, and they distrupt my beauty sleep.

>> No.23437159




>> No.23437160


>I'm brand new to this, but have been in some of the Wizard's Guild Meetings

>> No.23437169


You know, I started listening to my headaches after I lost my commisars cloak and cap. Life's been a lot more fun ever since.


They aren't mutually exclusive.

>> No.23437175

>I'm new to this.

>> No.23437184

Oh you did not just offer to let that teamkilling fucktard Carl inside a Titan.

Am I going to have to tentacle-choke a bitch.

>> No.23437189

I've been in one or two, but mostly new to it.

>> No.23437195


It hurts to think...Im going to take this Aspirin I got in my kit here....

>> No.23437197

Handf ikus bnbkiws teeythg.

>> No.23437207


Maybe in the old days, but these new Slaaneshi are all about big and numerous, and rape of course. I mean, when was the last time any of you saw Loli Daemonette? Exactly.

>> No.23437211


>> No.23437219

I've been shooting this titan with my mighty Obliterator armaments this whole time, boss, but it ain't doing anything!

>> No.23437229

Dave sweetie, shhh. Jim, dont listen to him. you must rape the titan. Think of all the new sensations to be experienced. To aid you in your task i bequeath upon you a daemon weapon, the Assblaster of Slaanesh. Allow me to demonstrate. Dave, you may kneel.

>> No.23437230

People like Jim ruined Slaanesh for everyone.

I just want to enjoy excess damn it, it's not all about fucking 24/7.

>> No.23437238

Dude, you remember what happened last time Carl got in vehicle?

Fucker crashed it straight into the nearest lamppost. With any luck, he might manage to kill himself with a Titan.

>> No.23437245


Sweet Emperor, dont do that, that means Jim will be able to catch me.

Here fucking take them, I didnt even want them in the first place.

>> No.23437247


A mod tried to stop these threads, once, long ago. He is gone, but the threads have been born again. There's something inspiring about that.

>> No.23437255


Do that, it's been too long since the last one.


Just keep at it, man. Somethings bound to happen.

Also, what's this fucking lighting rod growing out of my shin. It keeps getting hotter all the time.

>> No.23437264

About time. As for you, Martin, have some enchancement to your stupid cannons. Here.
I'll go to sleep now.
Have fun with that Titan!

>> No.23437273

Got me some Assblastin' to do!

Im coming for you

>> No.23437288


Here, Take these grenades and shove them up your ass. And then pull the pins.

>> No.23437297


My bad, man. I was working on teleporting long metal objects directly into the rectum of enemies, I guess I miscalculated.

>> No.23437298

Hey, any of you fellas up for killing yerselves! I'll pay you!

>> No.23437299


This will be worth watching.

>> No.23437310



>> No.23437311

dibs on nades. Jim, you may retrieve them. as a reward you may have anderson

>> No.23437314

Sir, you're last transmission was too garbled for me to understand. Have found Carl, and he seems to be..... Well of questionable sanity sir. He claims the dead guardsmen in the control room were "there when he got here", and he seems to be chasing a lone individual in the distance.

>> No.23437317




>> No.23437318

*Disregard the nametag*

>> No.23437328


God dammit Malal, we all know you left the warp to follow those stupid Squats outside of the Galaxy, now stay out.

>> No.23437330

Dont go


>> No.23437335



Ah Emperor....Were boned arent we.

>> No.23437340


No prob, it's got lots to tell me. Like, how to tear out your spine with a gaze.

Oh, so that's how... Ok, yeah, I gotta try that one out too... Yeah, so, ummm, how do I...

>> No.23437346

Damn, it's been a while since I last saw someone try that trick.

Shame that Barry screwed it up, guy was a riot.

Shit, I think I may have preferred you when you thought you were an Obliterator.

>> No.23437347


You ladz wuddent 'appen to be in da rong fakshun, wud ya?

>> No.23437357


Why don't you go try that on Tony, he stole your other spin anyway.

>> No.23437365



Oh emperor this headache its getting worse.

>> No.23437367

B-but, that ain't me! I'm shooting the titan here with my mighty Obliterator armaments, man! I mean seriously, I'm surely not the only Martin in this galaxy?

>> No.23437368

I'll create a portal, it leads away to a place i can sleep PEACEFULLY.
I'll be back in 10 hours. Have fun, morons.
And Martin, you are not an obliterator. Just an idiot.

>> No.23437387


My skin's always been a little greener than the others, heck I just always assumed it was part of Slaanesh's gift, alongside my massive lower jaw and hunched stature.

>> No.23437389


>> No.23437397

Oh. OH. ....... oh.
Broadcasting on an encrypted channel, Sir I will be leaving ASAP. I will twist every knob and pull every lever on my way out.

>> No.23437402


It wasn't my spine exactly even though it was long and hard.

Well, I got lots to spare.

Fucking parties...

>> No.23437405


Adam...Grab the men...Ill handle this one personally.

>> No.23437412

Fuck that asshole... and not in the good way...
I came here because there were miserable people, and miserable people make cultist for the Daughters of Peace.


No probs, I'll have CuttleDaemonette take a crack at it.
She's pretty good at squeezing herself into tight spaces.

Well I'm not big on rape myself, but WHAT IS WRONG WITH MOUNTAINS OF BREAST FLESH?!?!

I mean, they're both pillows AND they dispense delicious milk!
Why do you think I don't leave the warp without at least a couple pairs?!

>> No.23437422


Excellent. Tell the me I walk with the Emperor now. If I make it out alive, Ill see you at rally point Theta Bravo Romeo.

>> No.23437448

Slaanesh? Bloimey Mikeyboy, dint you eva wonda 'ow you lernd mekkin' at all?

>> No.23437467


>> No.23437474


Because not everyone finds your giant tits attractive! Is it hard to believe that some of us might actually like small boobs? Like I said before, if all of you new Slaaneshi guys weren't obsessed with making your sexual organs as grotesque as possible I'd be on board. Well that and if we could go back to have Poetry Wednesdays.

>> No.23437484

Look at him go.

What would we do without guys like that to meatshield for us.

I shudder to think.

>> No.23437506

Aw shit man, I don't know. Some of Tzeentch's guys managed to rope me into some kind of party last night, my head's killing me and I'm trying to find to why I keep hearing everything twice. I ain't a fucking clue what's going on, to be honest.

>> No.23437511

Yes sir. We've found an abandoned Leman Russ and will use it to extract to a better position. Also, uh, that Titan I amateurishly attempted to sabotage? It looks like It's still chasing whoever that poor dope was that "Carl" took off after.
As a side note, some unknown entity has been monitoring our transmissions, and is attempting to de code our encrypted channel. More information to come later if this entity shows itself.

>> No.23437517


Well.. I guess that maybe I never did. but now that yoo'f benn e'splainnin' it ta me, it do make mor sense don'nit?

>> No.23437520

Podtryhblbl iusrlll fvguurggh

>> No.23437543

Aye, you'z a mekboy, Moikey, anna fumpin' good 'un wiv sum praktice, Oi'll bet!

>> No.23437560

Guardsman, report. What is going on down here and why haven't you fixed the problem yet?

>> No.23437569


Huh-what? I'm sorry, Dave I can't understand you now that you're all.. uh.. spawny. Maybe see if The Great Deceiver could work on giving you a functional mouth?

>> No.23437570



>> No.23437581

You will live on in our hearts and minds sir.
Okay, who has dibs on his position?

>> No.23437587 [DELETED] 

Poetryu iesr fgviujmn!

>> No.23437594


>> No.23437606


Nonono, don't tell him that.

Or, on second thought, do it.

>> No.23437616

Roight, ladz, we'z gettin' outta here! It's roight silly.

>> No.23437618

>Look bos' I can talk in green 'ere
Shaddup and keep chopping grot.

>> No.23437625

i believe that was me. Meet my number two. at least until Jim makes it back.

>> No.23437634

Look no one is forcibly growing YOUR tits right now, are they?
I like having giant breast, ok, that weight on my chest makes me feel good...

...Wait, abandon Leman Russ?

>> No.23437639

Commissar! We have attempted to subdue the heretics sir, but with no officers above the Sgt. coordinating the efforts sir, our hatred of the heretic has given way to our fear, sir!
My friend, I am sorry to talk down about you, but if you make it back, I'll blame everything on Carl. Stupid, stupid Carl.

>> No.23437642

Poetry Wednesdays? Nnnno. Fuck no. Last time we had that, that crazy artsy fucker Reginald read his four-dimensional poem he said was inspired by some vision... Fuck that poem. I had to scrape my eyeballs up from the floor after he finished

>> No.23437649


Oim wiff yoo, Boss!

>> No.23437664


When was the last time you saw Loli Daemonette? When was the last time you saw ANY Loli Daemonette? That's exactly the problem.

>> No.23437675


I'll have commendations for you either way Adam.

>> No.23437678

Did soooommmebody order a new mutaaaation? Hmmm? Here! Mouths for all!

>> No.23437692

...What are you doing inside of me?

>> No.23437700

Got to admit that 'infra-black' stuff he made us see was pretty cool, though.

>> No.23437701

Oi, screw ya, ya fillistine! Took me bloody ages to roight dat all up! Come on ladz, we'z off!

>> No.23437709


Oi, fuck you! Not fucking again! What's the fucking thing with me and-

Hey, nice lips. Not bad at all. Autofellatio just got a bit funnier. On the other hand, literally, I can now smell my ass.

>> No.23437726 [DELETED] 

I pressed it boz'

>you git.

>> No.23437729

Apparently The deamonette and Jim both retreated. I am now no longer afraid for my butt.

>> No.23437732


Do you mind if I test it on you, my lord?

>> No.23437738


What's wrong with indulging in excess outside of physical pleasure? Half of the fun of Slaanesh is piecing together your psyche after some jackass tells you about this one time at band camp.

>> No.23437764

Hi. I've got a lovely new mouth to try out. It's all circular and covered in teeth.

>> No.23437767

..... By the throne I must be going insane. Who else heard that?

>> No.23437781


Nevermind Im now afraid again.

So...Dave... Will you now tell me what the hell you were saying before?

>> No.23437792 [DELETED] 

>Boss does et mattur wat 'umies we chop?

>> No.23437796

That is my name, now, tell me. On that rather odd woman over there, is that a crab claw I see?
Are you merely harbouring mutants or have you been so FUCKING INCOMPETENT as to allow a deamonic inccursion to remain COMPLETELY MOTHER FUCKING UNTOUCHED BY THE EMPERORS DIVINE WRATH?!

>> No.23437813

You ever think that maybe, MAYBE all the loli-daemonettes wanted to stop being pedophile bait?

Seriously, there are flat chested Daemonettes out there, but there aren't as many willing to put up with child fuckers as there use to so they no longer manifest funsized.

>> No.23437827


Well you see Sir... Shit happened, We lost a lot of guys, lost most of our Artillery and a Baneblade....Then we lost a titan...

I've killed a few sir...but im only one man.

>> No.23437857


So now you're all going to tell us what kind of excess is "right" excess and "wrong" excess? Slaaneshi be damned, he/she/it has gone and let his/her/its cult go to shit!

>> No.23437870


Sure I'll tell you. Just let me have a bite of your arm first.

>> No.23437897

I am Daemonically Possessed Leman Russ Pattern Main Battle Tank CND-820, and you will explain where we are driving to.

>> No.23437899


Sorry, but Im not a fan of biting...Now, if by biting you meant eating this meltabomb.

>> No.23437914

Nah, Tim made me do that on a dare once. I'm cool, trust me. Still don't know how I burnt half of Swipe's face off.

>> No.23437930


I do. Luckily, I could spare a few.

"Sure, it'll light on fire! Bet ya four souls it will!"

...Well, I won that one at least.

>> No.23437932


Tell me what you have been saying or Ill...Ill...Ill...


>> No.23437937

Sgt.! You're alive!
Commissar, this man has single handedly kept us from being overrun from the heretics sir. If not for him, we'd have been even worse off.

>> No.23437962


Adam...by chance are you in a tank?

>> No.23437966

What crab claw?
I don't have any crab claws...

...And I love the Emperor... (if he was a woman that is...)

Dude, have you ever dated a Pedophile?
Not that their aren't Daemonettes into that sort of thing, it's just that most of them are in relationships right now, and the rest of us aren't willing to pick up that kind of slack...

...Though personally I find the eroticizing of prepubescents disgusting, let it at least ripen a bit first!

>> No.23437979

The who now? Are they the guys Honsou kept going on about when we met him?

>> No.23437980

Sirs, I'm going to have to do some reconnaissance, and that means I'll be radio silent. If you're all here when I get back, I'll inform you about what I found. If not, well, I'll always have my las pistol.

>> No.23437999


Yeah, just them. They are a bit rough, but they mellow real nice when you get through their skin. Party animals, they are.

>> No.23438001

Sweet, free loot!

>> No.23438010

Emperor Speed Adam.

Iron Hands? Salamanders? White Scars?

Nothing eh?

Well....just keep looking over there for a second, I gotta...I gotta go for a bit.

>> No.23438031

Oh, I remember the White Scars! There the ones on motorcycles who alternate between laughing wildly and saying "Totally radical!", yeah?

>> No.23438059


>> No.23438140

you think that's bad? imagine how much of a migraine i get from receiving orders from Tzeentch himself. and don't get me started on how big it gets when he uses me as a vox. yes i know, i'm so lucky that every friday, i get hear my god, go in the webway and meet an eldar god, a necron god and a guy who is taking orders from the false emperor where the 4 play some convoluted game. the thing is, watching the game makes my head feel like its going to explode. and according to tzeentch, my head SHOULD explode into necrons, marines, pink horrors, and confetti, and he's only stopping it so that he doesn't become unable to participate in the middle of session

>> No.23438223

>slow typer is slow

>> No.23438241


As one I believe that would exclude the both of us from dating each other, I figured that much was obvious. You go back to your cow-tits, and I'll stay with Tzeentch, he doesn't care who or what I put my dick into, and I get a monthly "Just as planned" quota to keep my mind sharp!

>> No.23438262

Er, well...

Yeah, that does sound worse than the fuzzy purple stuff I was given to drink. How the fuck do you guys manage to survive drinking that shit on a regular basis, anyway?

>> No.23438270


Woah, when did we meet Djimon Honsou, I love that guy!

>> No.23438274

I actually know a Jim who is a grade A creep

>> No.23438290


Of course you do! Jim is right there, do you think this is some kind of game?

>> No.23438314

You were working on yoARGLLBDKLFLGaahh that was unpleasant. Your thesis, you were working on your thesis. He popped by, gave ol' Radghast a new spine, accidentally removed a lot of Swipe's skin, blathered about 'those cursed Ultramarines!' and then left.

>> No.23438388


Agh! Dammit! That stupid thing got rejected, and I missed out on meeting Djimon Honsou? This ruined my day, first those loyalist dogs showed up, then cow-tits over there, and now I have new wounds opened about my "Loli-Centrism Theory" being rejected for lack of compelling evidence? Fuck this, I'm going to bed.

>> No.23438418

I'm sorry dude. I'd give you a hug to make you feel better, but fuckhuge claws. Sorry.

>> No.23438459

you think we actually drink that stuff?

>> No.23438552


Thanks, bro, that really means a lot. I'm just going to go paint, I think.

>> No.23438583

I refuse to believe in Jim, That might make him go away. Chuck once said that those green hooligans can pull those tricks off.

>> No.23438634


Chuck's said a lot of shit, they haven't been able to do that for almost a while now. I mean, remember Mike, he was a damn Mekboy and we never saw his stuff work.

>> No.23438656

Well, that's what the guys were saying, and that Clarissa chick was downing it like water...

>> No.23438691

I don't know man.. I can always hope.. Maybe if you think it too it might work!

>> No.23438713

Hello? are there any loyalists left?

>> No.23438752

Any cultists left?

>> No.23438779


Yo. Seems like everyone else has disappeared. Exactly as Lord Malal planned! AHAHAHAHA!

>> No.23438791

Hello, you filthy loyalist.

>> No.23438808


Oh, shit.. Dave.. uhm, disregard that whole Malal thing.

>> No.23438823

..... Did we get okayed for exterminatus or something? Where did the bloody war go!?

>> No.23438835

Nah, it's cool dude. As long as it's not that Necoho guy, I'm okay. Just don't stab me.

>> No.23438850

Oh emperor protect. Back off! I have my Primer with me! Don't make me look up the proper procedure for this situation!

>> No.23438889

The Primer! Aw, warp, that's the reason I became a cultist in the first place!

>> No.23438904

Ya, oim wif dis squishy. Wer's da foitan at?

>> No.23438957

Man, you're the only one really being aggressive here.

Well, aside from JIm, but he's probably raping a corpse by now. And Carl, who's probably stomping all over your men with his new Titan. Oh, and Martin, who I figure has already fallen over and struggling to get back up again.

So yeah, you only need to worry about Carl.

>> No.23438977

Really? I've heard all kinds of reasons for people becoming heretics, but that's probably one of the most dispassionate stories yet.
Oh thank the Emperor! Incoming Ultramarines! Very strange syntax though.

>> No.23439016


Speaking of, you ever spent a day with one of those Zuvassin nutcases? I swear, it's like everything you do is too much fun for them and they have to fuck everything up. What is Zuvassin even the god of anyway? Assholery?


Oh look, Mike is back with his new friends, hey, fuck you, Mike!

>> No.23439043

Huh. Well seeing as there's no one else here, and I'm sort of tired from all this sneaking about, what say we take a ceasefire until someone's superior tells them to kill the other one?
This talking Leman Russ I've been in is driving me nuts.

>> No.23439053

Proper procedure dictates that I go to any length to prevent or reduce the loss of life.
Please do not inflame hostilities while you are still within my chassis.

>> No.23439060

Fucking shit up. Once, I was just having fun, building a sandcastle out of bloodsand, and this guy just runs over, bodyslams it, wrecking it, screams "Praise to Zuvassin!", ran off and broke his femur in a ridiculously over the top manner. Swear I heard laughing afterwards.

>someone suptg this?

>> No.23439104

I'm cool with that. Lemme dig out some of the rotgut, one of the few times those damn Slaneeshi bastards prove useful, lemme tell ya.

>> No.23439105

There it goes again. Not even sure what sort of crazy Mechanicus creation this could be.

>> No.23439110


Sounds alright to me, Malal's already going to be pissed off enough that I haven't stabbed Dave here, what's one Imperial added to that?

>> No.23439148


>If I knew how, I would

>> No.23439188

You guys seem pretty cool for heretics. What made you stop ave-ing the imperium and join up with the scary demon things?

>> No.23439197

Wot? Furst you go's callin on da noisbox aboot foitin, and now yer goin on about NOT foitin?

Omm. I dun' 'now any new mek's called Mike. Nope. Nun.

>> No.23439226

I was created by the Warpsmiths of the Factory Daemon world, Formicida VIII, for the purposes of neutralizing conflict and preserving life.

>> No.23439241

Page 1560, Paragraph 17 of the Primer. Read it and see.

>> No.23439245

Well that was until those Astartes reinforcements turned out to be cardboard cutouts. A very embarrassing mistake to make, I might add.

>> No.23439276

You don't say? So does your weaponry still work or do you "shoot blanks", if you catch my drift?

>> No.23439277

Indeed, if you'll excuse me...

...Firing Main Cannon.

>> No.23439281

Now dot just inn' roit. Wastin' all dat dakka savin' lives? Sounds to me loike you need a roit' good lootin'.

>> No.23439309


Pedophilia, actually. Yep, that's pretty much the first reason I took a look into Slaanesh. I gave him/her/it a call, and he/she/it gave me a little tour in which my conscious mind was shattered and I was bound into servitude. It was around the time that all of the lolis started to disappear in favor of the new generation of "rape everything with our massive spiky dicks", that I stepped back and really took a look at what I'd been doing. I mended by psyche, bid my friends farewell and shipped off to Tzeentch, soon after I found my way to Malal, but that's one helluva crazy story.

>> No.23439317

OI! Now we're goin'! WAAAGH!

>> No.23439330

My unit were 'privileged' enough to be rearguard of an evacuation. Damn pilots got spooked before half of us were even aboard and got abandoned. Laid low, helped out the guerillas, before I ended up meeting a nice gal on this side of the entire Chaos/Imperium divide. One thing lead to another, and well...

She was Khornate, so she died pretty damn quickly, but it was damn fine whilst it lasted.

>> No.23439396


>> No.23439421


What the- Ow!
Don't make me go full Spawn on you!

>> No.23439424

Huh. I only goths 100 page version. New edition you know. Most of the old stuff was deemed classified. You see it anywhere in ere?
*whistles* that's damn impressive, actually.
>>23439309 I see...
>>23439330 wellI can understand being sore about that, but really? Chaos? Hey, it's your soul. Who you give it to is your business till a commissar tells me otherwise.

>> No.23439466

>I take 10.35 second to re-orient my hull towards the onrushing green skins.
>My sponson mounted Heavy Bolters begin sweeping fire inwards from 300 and 60 degrees respectively, herding the attackers towards my front.
>A blast from my Lascannon lances through the center of their formation, forcing a few on the edges into the deadly fence erected by my substained Bolter fire.
>My Battle Cannon is finally reloaded, and one last shot should mop up the remaining Orks.

...Target Neutralized.

>> No.23439467

'Oi was tryn' to 'it dat snikerin' 'ardcase. Don' wave yer limbs aroun' if ye don' want em choppd

>> No.23439485

Oi', where'd da boys go?

>> No.23439495

Cripes! The green heretic is goin crazy!
Time to light you up!
*pew* *pew*

>> No.23439509


Yeah, Dave here has his whole emotional journey into the thrall of Chaos, I just wanted to put my penis inside of children for eternity, kind of funny if you think about it.


Efficient, these mechanicum guys never fail to impress.

>> No.23439516

...I may have the engine of a farm tractor, but even I think that is slow...

>> No.23439522

S'not like I had much choice, really.

Stay faithful, die and probably have my soul caught and munched on by a daemon, or convert, screw a hot chick with a thing for knives and get eaten by daemons when I eventually die?

To be honest, it was more the knives than anything else which tempted me. Can't say I actually hold being abandoned against the Imperium that much

And what prompted you to sign up for the Guard, eh? A girl you wanted to impress or get away from, glory, easy way off planet and away from some loansharks?

>> No.23439545


Nah, it was this thing about the Emperor, and octopodes, and my home planet, and...by Tzeentch, it makes my blarrglbleeeriii

>> No.23439559

... No response.

>> No.23439576

Well to be fair, it does depend on how that daemon plans on digesting you.
My particular branch of Daemonette distills your soul with pure ecstasy, until you are nothing more then pure liquid Bliss.

>> No.23439603


Hold on, that was Jack the whole time?

Oh, gods, where have my eyes gone!?

Help? Dave? I think Tzeentch has found me.

>> No.23439620


Oh "goody", I'd recognize that voice and the smell of sweaty cow-tits anywhere. How've you been?

>> No.23439628

It's alright, I got you dude. I got you. May hvae left a wound on your arm, sorry.

>> No.23439637

Been looking for my Tank, you haven't seen a Daemonically Possessed Leman Russ anywhere, have you?

>> No.23439641

>>23439522 see the world, actually. I was raised on Fenris actually, and my family were some of the very necessary farmers on the planet. But too much tribal fighting, and no order on the planet aside from the feuding clans and the occasional warlord makes for a hard life for a farmer's son. So I journeyed to the mountain of the gods, and there found a Rouge Trader who happened to be selling ale from the Eye of Terror. He took me on, I traveled around with him and became more aware of the larger galaxy around me, and joined up for service because it just felt... Right.
>>23439509 That might not be MY word for it, but I'm sure it's someone's.
Come again?

>> No.23439642

Dis krumpy 'humie powah fist can't krak da lid on dis wagon. Dis needs kunnin, an' paint.

OI! All' you fello' kaos' boys. 'elp me break dis ting.

>> No.23439654


What, did you modify the cannon to fire giant dicks? -sigh- I'm just being grumpy, it's around here somewhere, if I am not mistaken.

>> No.23439660

Oh sweet Terra, what is THAT. I am equally aroused and terrified at the same time.

>> No.23439670


Thanks. I sure hope this is all Tzeentch did to me.


Oh come on, it's hilarious.

>> No.23439696

We should probably just go with "you do what you love" and move the topic on from there.

>> No.23439699

...He's sitting in it...

>> No.23439701

Yeah, some of you guy's can be pretty cool (still yet to meet a Bloodletter who's even remotely sane, though), but when all I'd grown up hearing was Imperial propaganda, can hardly blame me for deciding to take the option which postponed the soulmunching, can ya?

Shit man, how badly did that Tzeentchian drink screw me over if you mistook me for Dave? At least it's not as bad as that Nurglite vodka...

I swear to whichever Dark God cares to listen, next time a Tzeentch cultist offers me a drink, I'm just going to say no.

Better reason than most, I can say for sure. Back when I joined up, one kid had joined up 'cos the recruiter had convinced him that the rations tasted good. Then again, kid had grown up on the streets, so he probably liked the idea of actually being fed.

>> No.23439727


Now I remember why I was so eager to turn on the Imperium, Khorne's got more of a sense of humor than all of them combined, gods.


I think it may be more lent to the fact that I now lack eyes of any description.

>> No.23439746

*Eye twitch*

>> No.23439754

*seals hatch*
Protect me, sentient Tank of forceful pacifism!

>> No.23439765

I hope so. Still, best check myself out in a mirror properly - Tzeentch only knows what He's done to me.

>> No.23439785

Prooooblem, 'nette?

>> No.23439790

*An appreciation of a Daemonette garbed in Leman Russ Tank blitz appears next to the Vox Operator.*
Certainly, what is the nature of your dilemma?

>> No.23439802


Are you gesturing towards me. I cannot see as I now lack eyes with which to see and therefor confirm your gestures but I can sense hostility. If so: Calm your mountain-tits, it's not like speaking his name will make him just appear out of nowhere... I said "IT'S NOT LIKE SPEAKING HIS NAME WILL MAKE HIM JUST APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE"! -mumble-stupid khorne, always late-mumble-

>> No.23439809

I've seen my share of hive wordless. Lots of them end up in the penal legions too. Poor bastards. I wonder where the Sgt. was from.
Well it's just that when you've had fellow guardsmen that look up to you like an older brother, you find the subject of relations with a child rather distasteful.

>> No.23439815

Go back to Fantasy Old man!
We don't need your meddling around here!

>> No.23439824

Uh.... Um.... I seem to be too terrified to articulate my concern at this time. Is there a more... loyalist form you could take?

>> No.23439830


Well I'm not talking about with boys, I'm a pedophile not homosexual.


God dammit! I call for Khorne and get Zuvassin?

>> No.23439832

Here... let me help you with your Eye Trouble...

>> No.23439850

...But this is my true image...

>> No.23439859


No! Unhand me, you sow!

>> No.23439861

*walks out of bush carrying an empty flamer*

-pdammned Adam pick up the fucking vox, Ive been at it for an hour now..fucking empty flamer fucking cultist, orks cardboard headache chaos fuck.

>> No.23439879

Huh. I'd always been told that you slaneeshists had no limits to your debauchery.

>> No.23439889


>> No.23439904

Oh. OH.

...Well, that explains why I didn't see Clarissa on my way out, I suppose.

Say, don't suppose any of you guys have ever had to deal with a second face sticking out of your back, have you?

Damn, some of those penal legions could be scary. Makes me wonder at times how the Imperium can use some of those sickos and still try to say that Chaos is worse. This one fucker, called himself 'Rat', well... let's just say I've met more squeamish Slaneeshi rapists.

>> No.23439922

Well... I suppose I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. I seem to be in danger from a demon for being within you. You ARE the embodiment of this tank, are you not? I'm... Unsure of my situation to say the least. This was not how I thought my first contact with Chaos would go.

>> No.23439935

Oh fuck....Adam, Who is this chucklefuck?

>> No.23439950


See, that's a recent development, before it was all about excess no matter the form, you'd indulge in everything to the greatest extent you could without dying, it was great. Now it's just about: Find orifice, stick giant penis into orifice.




Uh, guys? I'll be back in a bit. I'm just going to take a shower to wash this "slaaneshi filth" from my body.

>It's been fun guys, but I've got to head on out for now, thanks for the awesome thread, it made class that much more bearable, laters!

>> No.23439962

I doubt you are in any danger, NiceDaemonette is not one for violence.

>> No.23439969

One who fucks with you for the sake of it! Nyanyanyanyanya!

>> No.23439972



>> No.23439975

Sarge! Well, we're it apparently. I thought I was the last loyalist on the planet sir. And this tank has been helping me survive sir. Sadly none of the other men seem to have survived with me. And Fucklaw seems to have buggered off after someone else.

>> No.23439991

Oh but you look so adorable!!!
And now you have a delicious flat chest all to yourself!

>> No.23439995

Hey, nice to see you in one piece! Draw up a chair, we seem to be having a brief ceasefire at the moment. Plenty of rotgut, if your willing to try and stomach any.

>> No.23440003


Thank Emperor Adam... Fuklaw would have blammedme for sure...

You reek of chaos and old sneakers.... ADAM bring me more fuel for Sally here, Heretics gonna burn today.

>> No.23440006

>"wash" this "slaaneshi filth" from my body

I'm going to go masturbate, do I have to spell it out for you, woman?!

>> No.23440012

Well that is a relief. Would you mind explaining to the sarge why it's unwise for us to resume fighting while you're here, by the way? It'll sound better coming from you.
What the hell? What is this anywhere did it come from?

>> No.23440015

I already sabotaged your flamethrowers! AND your underwear!

>> No.23440027


A ceasefire? Here? What?

Adam... You are now Trooper First Class. And part of my Command Retinue... You and I will gather all the food and ammo we need and hide in that tank of yours.

>> No.23440039

I'd hold off on the hostilities for now sir. At least until the tank here can explain the situation to you.

>> No.23440047


What? I? FUCK!

Im gonna kill you with my bare fucking hands after I put on my extra pair motherfucker.

>> No.23440062


Oh hell...A talking tank...what Colour is it? Red and Blue?

>> No.23440068

Well, none of us really felt like fighting, your man here was outnumbered... figured it was the best all round.

>> No.23440084


Uh, CD-812, or whatever that demon called you, sorry, I'm bad with designations. Can you help us acquire rations and supplies?

>> No.23440089

I think this makes you all heretics.

>> No.23440102

...You sure you know what you're doing, I did switch the plumbing out after all...

>> No.23440111


We better not get any fucking reconditioning for this

>> No.23440129


I might not have looked it when I was a man.. and older, but I know my way around a vagina, don't worry your disgusting, cow-shaped head.

>> No.23440142

Score one for the forces of Chaos?

So long as command doesn't find out, you're good. And well, it's command - you know damn well how incompetent they can be, so stop fretting and have a drink.

>> No.23440144

Well the tank WAS talking a few minutes ago,sir. The Daemon over there was asking about it. Let me open the hatch for you sir.
*hatch is opened*

>> No.23440153


*Daemonette apperetion floats into Anderson's view.*

I am Cadia Fortress Camo pattered sir.

I'm sure my Mistress can help with that.

>> No.23440159

*Grumble* ...I feel like foit'n but 'rryone is too weedy to get inna skull krakkin mood...*mumble*

>> No.23440181

Yes, Logistics are the Daughter's of Peace's specialty.

>> No.23440187

High five!

>> No.23440192


Im going to drink from my piss canteen thanks.

Adam, This tank worries me and hey what the hell... FRAKKING HELL ADAM A DAEMONETTE, HIDE YOUR EYES AND JUNK.

>> No.23440193

I can vouch for this one sir. His soul may be given up to chaos and irredeemable, but he makes for good conversation and company. We just need to be careful that they don't trick us into forfeiting our own souls.

>> No.23440227


Uh... I'm back. It's the weirdest thing but, I went into the shower and my delicious loli body was just out there on display but, for some reason, I didn't feel like furiously masturbating.

You horrible, cretinous she-devil what have you done to me?!... and my libido?!

>> No.23440242

And that's why I'm going with Tzeentch.

>> No.23440250

I asked it if it had a form less blasphemous than that, sir, but aside from it's actual tank hull, it did not.
Um... I'm going to need Sgt. anderson's approval before I can talk to you further miss. Apologies. War and odd bedfellows aside, I still honor the chain of command.

>> No.23440272

Technically, I'm a Daemonically Possessed Leman Russ, this apparition is only used to facilitate better communication...

...Mortals are... intimidated by my armaments and large armored chassis...

>> No.23440274

Well, we never started the ceasefire with you, but most of the Khornate guys seem to have already headed out as well...

Drink? Not sure what kind of effect this stuff will have on you, but we can always look around for summat stronger if need be.

>piss canteen
Oh man, is that still standard equipment? I remember swapping out the CO's piss with some oil we swiped from the cogboys back when I was still a Guardsman. Commissar attached blew a fucking fuse, but never figured who was responsible.

Man, I should check up on old Greers'... Last I heard, guy got caught up in a Khornate warband and was convinced he was still operating as part of the Commissariat and that the warband was his latest attachment.

>> No.23440310

Beats me, you've probably not developed one yet.
You are a little girl now after all...

>> No.23440326

Oh! Okay then. That clears up about 1/6 of the misconceptions I likely have about you then.

>> No.23440331


Emperor what have I gotten myself into...Got more room in there then..uhh.. Lady?


Ex-guardsmen huh.... As soon as the ceasefire is over, Ill ask you if you want to have a confession before I kill you...you know for you being nice and all.

Adam... You got any non possesed food in there....and Aspirin, my headache is telling me to have sex with the loli thing, and I dont like it.

>> No.23440336


Well give it back, what's the point of giving me a little girl's body if it hasn't reached puberty yet?

>> No.23440341

Can't believe you guys are leaving me hanging on this high-five...

>> No.23440354

The Sarge seems to be... stunned right now. Could you by chance help me get him into your tank for safe keeping? I'd be especially tickled if you wouldn't mind leaving his body unravaged.

>> No.23440360


Well I would give you one if I were tall enough to reach your hand. I'm a little girl now in case you missed that.

>> No.23440386

Oh good he's back! Dis regard my request. And yes sir, here's my own cache of Aspirin and water.

>> No.23440394

Certainly, I've got five open crew positions still!

>> No.23440418

Meh, you'll grow into it eventually...

>> No.23440423

I'll make sure to try and remember as many of my sins as possible then!

I never know which one your limbs I'm supposed to high-fiving, 'specially not when I'm still half-drunk. Makes me feel damn awkward, accidentally hitting the wrong one.

>> No.23440426

Oi! I just stabbed me CO and buggered off to this dust ball, who wants to take in a man with a gun? I won't stick ya in the back like my CO...

>> No.23440448


I believe this calls for Patricia and Company's Wacky Adventures.



>> No.23440456

>And with that I am gone for good. I'll check in when I am back, if the thread is still going I'll post again, if not, it's been fun, thanks guys!

>> No.23440469

I call transmissions! Do you have any instructions for showing proper devotion to your machine spirit? Hm. Actually is it heretical of me to show you proper devotion if you are demonic? We do need you to live so we may carry out the Emperor's work, after all.

>> No.23440478

COULD grow tits by then?

>> No.23440507

Good luck daemon!
I hope you meet whatever end you deserve.

>> No.23440533

Um, I'm not sure where the boss is, but pretty sure we'd take you on- it's not as though we aren't used to teamkilling fucktards by now. There's the Imperial's here as well, and so long as you were a Commissar hat when you did it, they'll probably be fine with you stabbing them as well.

Have fun breaking your new body in!

>> No.23440540

Well one of the reasons I was placed into this hull was to reduce general maintenance requirements to a minimum...

...B-but maybe I could requisition some comms for you to play with... *Blush.*

>> No.23440543

What Regiment are you from Traitor? I want to let them know that I executed you for murder.
th-thanks *climbs In*
Good. Write them down if you want.
Good Man, remind me to give you a better ranking once We own this planet again...who knows, maybe Ill be Govenor-Militant and you can be my High General.

Provided we get out of this of course.

>> No.23440576

She's not a Daemonette... at least not yet anyways...

>> No.23440631

Requisition? As in contact Dark Mechanicus? That sounds potentially dangerous for me, as titilating an offer as it is. I'll just keep the Vox I was given when we were dropped off here till we can figure out how to get some long range comms on you.

>> No.23440633

...So you want to be Governess of this planet, eh?

>> No.23440645


Heh...she wants you to play with her knobs and Dials Adam.

I suggest you do it, only to keep the machine placated.

>> No.23440649

I'm not from the guard, I came from a mercenary company. Me and my CO had a disagreement over a woman, and he had a plasma pistol I had my eye on anyways.

>> No.23440666

Our GearGirls are so bad...
...They may be giant Cyborg Ant-people, but they're an alright bunch...
...Just don't hang around them long enough for them to offer "upgrades"...

>> No.23440673


Nope, Im a male. Governor. Man.

Double Heretical. I hate Mercenaries.

>> No.23440695

Thank you, Sir!
I really wouldn't know. Haven't seen a Daemon till today honestly. We can be blammed just for knowing the dark Gods' names, actually.

>> No.23440700

Oh, will you two stop beating about the bush and heresy already? The tension's killing me here!

>> No.23440720

Hey I'm already letting you hang out in MY tank buddy!
What's a swap of genitalia in exchange for a planetary government?

>> No.23440744

(Nice trips, Daemon)
Right. I might need to loot a new uniform soon. This one probably reeks of fear.
Very well, sir. I'll see if the tank wants to bond some.

>> No.23440756


My headache is weakly telling me to do it. But im afraid if I get swapped, Adams here will be the only Imperial here.

No offense Merc, but you aint Guard Material.

>> No.23440763

You really shouldn't be talking Mr "I can't believe I'm not a Spawn"...

>> No.23440782

Well I hate you too! Eat plasma!
*hurls krack grenades with both hands and runs like hell*

I hear Chaos has some nice benefits... Some extra arms for lobbing grenades wouldn't hurt.

>> No.23440796

Well, hey. Let's at least sleep on this situation first, sir. I'm not saying let's become heretics or anything, but this IS a very overwhelming situation to take in all at once.

>> No.23440812

Who says you wouldn't still be a Loyalist?

I've got a sister in the Administratum who could fudge a bit of paperwork, doubt anyone would even care to check though...

>> No.23440815

*shuts the hatch*

>> No.23440832


*watches as the grenade bounces, hits the tak and rolls away*

Mercs dont have proper weapons. Thats why they buy cheap.


Good Idea, im just afraid things will rape us while we sleep. Even worse, they can make us rape....each other.

>> No.23440849

Eh, I'm kinda with Dave here. Seriously, they seem like smart fellows, and I'll be even more damned if this warband doesn't need some. Besides, they'll likely get killed the moment someone realizes that they actually treatied with us.

Oh yeah, you can get extra arms. And extra eyes, to help you aim better too! Though I'll have to ask you to stop throwing stuff at the Imperials for a little while...

>> No.23440851

*Tentacles up the Krak 'nades and lobs them back at Harrison before they go off.*

...I DON'T rape... Why does everyone keep assuming that?

>> No.23440861



>> No.23440894

Hey now, even we're sick of Jim and his molesting. Seriously, why the fuck he's still alive I'll never know.

>> No.23440911

Maybe it would be best to only trust the tank.
I feel like there should be a nicer name for her than her designation number. What do you think? How about Grace?

>> No.23440931

Think about it, a ragtag group of Guardwomen heroically triumph over a Chaos Warband that decimated a backwater world, leaving them the only suitable candidates for a new Planetary Government?

Dude, fuck Jim... and not in the good way...

>> No.23440949

cause he's lucky or something...throne knows.

Hmmm Grace.... Sounds.... Peaceful. If she likes that atleast.

>> No.23440973

What do you think 820? Can the sarge and I call you Grace?

>> No.23440975

Well you can just call her Cindy-Eight-Twenty...

((Sorry I haven't swiched over to her, but a Daemonette Bolo is a bit harder to write diolog for then my Daemonette alterego...))

>> No.23441006



I dont think Adam wants to be either but eh if it floats his boat.


Cindy Eight Twenty. Well call her Battle Cannon will have Grace down the side.

>> No.23441008

Mistress is right, "Cindy" is closer to my alphanumeric designation...

...B-but you can call me Grace if you want...

>> No.23441042

Sounds nice for them, but eh - might draw the wrong kind of attraction. Life would be easier for them in a warband. They get most of the benefits of power, and few of he usual drawbacks!

>> No.23441068

>>23441008 Well I'm partial to Grace. You are, after all what saved me and helped me to find the Sarge again. That makes you my saving grace, as cheesy as it might sound.
The Sir is right, I've grown rather fond of my body after these years with it.
Captcha: stay ssiexY

>> No.23441072


If Adam and I get fucked over by the Segmentum, well join your warband...We wont forsake the Emperor, but we will partake in your festivities.

>> No.23441097

Oh grow a pair of ovaries you wuss...
You are the most competent person I've met today, so you are my Cult's best choice to install if we don't want this planet becoming a war torn hellhole in another decade or two, but a Daemonette's favor isn't free.
...I need something to prove your loyalty to me, to ensure you're not going to back out as soon as we've placed you into power.

>> No.23441129

That is something I can agree with.
*if we get the chance, we'll tip off some inquisition and take off with our asses titly covered*

>> No.23441142

Well yeah, if it's just the two of them...
What do you say Jackie, want to give the Noble life a spin for a while?

>> No.23441151


And that would be?

If Segmentum gets word, Ill be dead before you could spit Vindicare Assassin.

>> No.23441186


Ill even let you turn me into a woman Thrones sake.
You are a genius Adam.

>> No.23441195

Some of the guys might give some trouble for still sticking with the Emperor if you do join us, so I suggest you keep it on the down low if you do.

Of course you would, seeing as how you're getting so cosy with the tank.

No thanks, it's the soldier's life for me. Can't say the idea of all those high society balls and the like are the right kind of environment. Never mind trying ta get used to an Imperial lifestyle again...

>> No.23441200

If you were General... then maybe I could be your personal transport...

>> No.23441302

Hey now, I may be getting along with the Here-tank (hehe) but I'm no Ironpriest here. I'm strictly on friendly terms with the non-organic member of this team. Besides, how on earth would that sort of thing happen? I'd be afraid of my bits getting ripped off wherever I stuck 'em.

>> No.23441323

((Forgot to respond to this one))
That WOULD be something. How on earth would we pass you off as a regular tank during your inspections though?

>> No.23441338

Get word of what?
A loyalist Sergeant who lead her troops to victory and is the only one left to hand the planet over to?
Look, I've got no intrest in seeing this place fall to Failbandon and I'm not asking for a Chaos World, but having an in on a Loyalist world has it's advantages for a Cult like mine.

>> No.23441355

How? I'll leave that one to the cogboys and Slaneeshi cultists. They'll have an answer for ya, I'm sure.

>> No.23441369

Uh, I can hear everything you are saying...

How long did it take you to realise I wasn't a Standard Template Model?

>> No.23441468

Excellent point on both topics. Mind you, techpriests would be better trained in spotting your idiosyncrasies from a regular Leman Russ than I, a humble guardsman was.
We'll jump off that bridge when we get to it.

>> No.23441492

Hey, uh, tank lady-Cindy, is it? Do you mind if I take responsibility for those Ork kills? It's just that I had a look at my kill counter, and those Orks will boost me up enough to get a minor ascension. You'll have a Daemon middle-classite owing you a favour...

>> No.23441503


So... What do you want other then my gender reassigned

>> No.23441639

Sarge. I think it might want to be one of the governing officials.

>> No.23441678

It's my Tank buddy, so no kill mooching...
Still, with the amount of mutations you've been able to handle, you've probably got a strong enough will to become a Nice Daemonette like myself...

That's the beautiful thing, NOTHING!
Sure, I might be there to offer you some help every now and again, but it's a big galaxy and there are plenty of poor, unfortunate souls simply waiting for the gentle embrace of the Daughters of Peace.
We Nice Daemonettes aren't like those Tzeenchian assholes, we literally cannot betray those close to us...

...Mom... kind of didn't want a repeat of the Amnaich fiasco...

>> No.23441779


Emperor Willing, If this pact sends me to hell...then so be it.

Adam, your choice, I can either kill you and spare you the Heresy, or we can do this together.

>> No.23441821

As a "Tzeentchian asshole" I find that offensive! And you're also a liar! You're just jealous that Horrors have all the fun and that you'll never get to breathe fire.

>> No.23441851

Okay then. Those sound like agreeable terms. You're not going to have us set up sex dungeons in every settlement or anything are you? You seem more the hospital type anyway.

>> No.23441883

I'll follow you to the end of my Emperor forsaken days, sir.

>> No.23441894

Anywhere can be a Heaven, you just have to work for it...

What do you say Adam?
Cindy seems to have grown quite fond of you...

...Do you want to be a Daemon or not?

>> No.23441927

...Well I wouldn't call them Dungeons...

...I kid I kid!

So we all set?

>> No.23441962


Were set then, Do what you need to do Daemon.

>> No.23441996

Please, call me Nice.
Since I'm not doing this as an ironic punishment, anything in particular you want in your new looks?

>> No.23442001

Very well. I'll deal, daemon. Cripes. Always thought It'd be Nurgle that'd get me if any of them.
I get to keep Cindy, as you call her, as my personal transport yeah?

>> No.23442017

Ooh, this gonna be good!

Anyone want some Jaffa cakes? I have an anus that excretes them. Don't get it confused with the fire-breathing mouth that looks like an anus though.

>> No.23442058


Atleast make me look fierce yet beautiful...Like the ancient snow catcix of Terra.

>> No.23442081

A neural link, so that I can meet Gra-Cindy's machine spirit without her having to risk anyone seeing her Daemon form.
And I'd like to be as physically unchanged as possible. I have to sell the whole "not in deal with a Slaneeshi Daemon" angle to my soon to be subordinates.

>> No.23442113

...I was talking to Dave the walking ball of arms over there...

...But yes, you can keep Cindy.

Alright, anything else?
Hip, waist, bust, or height measurements?

>> No.23442132


>> No.23442143

Alright, one R63 with a side of soul bonding!

>> No.23442159


*hands pict over*

Like her.

>> No.23442231

Blame contamination of the water supplies. It'll totally work, trust me. Somebody else'll get blamed for it, and you can ascend to your new position atop a mountain of corpses.

Also, dibs all your schools. Especially the bullied nerds.

>> No.23442298

Holy shit this is not the best feeling I have ever had! Tell me this is over quickly! plleasesayitwillendsoon!

>> No.23442329

Wow. That was bad for a moment there.

>> No.23442411

Vostroyan, nice...
Ok you to, come here!


Meh, they'll have to prove that Sergent Anderson and Trooper "Eve" here were men in the first place, which is why it pays to have a sister whose an Office Daemonette.

...Speaking of sisters, my offer still stands for you to become one of mine.
I can't ascend you here, since we'll need a dozen or so weak willed Pleasure cultist, but the Daughters of Peace are more then willing to add another to their fold.

>> No.23442426

Never gets any worse, man. Blessings of the chaos gods are pretty sweet.

>> No.23442427

I don't recall making a deal with YOU. We'll consider offering you our community colleges and you'll like it.

>> No.23442445


Sweet Emperor... My voice...Its...Throne, I've got, and I've *grabs crotch* Sweet good god Emperor...Adam, Are you still with me Trooper?

>> No.23442481

Wait, what now?
*drops trou*
God damn it!
Well.... That sure did just happen.

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