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23027303 No.23027303 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

Our love had always been taboo, and has caused a lot of trouble for me personally. My mom to this day still thinks I'm a necrophiliac because she doesn't understand the difference between dead and undead, and my dad has never trusted my girlfriend. Still, it was manageable up until recently.

It all started three days ago when her and I visited for dinner, seeing as she can't go out during the day. We all had some awkward conversation in the living room once we got there, and then father pulled me aside to tell me, "Son, I know you like this girl, but she's nothing but a rotten bloodsucker. If so much as breaths on your neck, you stab her in the heart, you hear?" I told him that everything was fine and advised him to be more open-minded and progressive. He nodded, but his grumbling as we returned to living room told me that he wasn't going to make an effort at it. Pretty soon, we are having dinner and no one is talking. My parents and I were having meatloaf while my girlfriend helped herself to a fair amount of wine seeing as there was no proper form of sustenance for her there (once again, my parents are not thoughtful in this scenario.)

Anyway, dinner goes by pretty fast and we get out of there quick as possible. I have to drive home because my girlfriend is very drunk by this point. Perhaps if she had more blood of her own it wouldn't be so easy for her to get smashed. Once we get home, I have to help her into our apartment and to our bed; afterward we fell asleep pretty fast.

>> No.23027346


>> No.23027354

Later in the night I was suddenly awoken by a sharp pain in my neck. My eyes bugged open and there was my girlfriend hunched over me, drinking my blood from my neck. The entirety of my body was cold and immobile, making me a helpless victim to her thirst. Through the pain and blood-loss it was difficult to focus, but when her jaws released me I had enough energy in me to say, "We are talking about this in the morning." Then I passed out.

We did discuss it, and got into a pretty big fight. I accused her of drinking to much; she told me that I was provoking her by not wearing my evening turtleneck. Then we got into how much I hate the turtleneck, which was really ugly. Our screaming fit lasted for an hour until I told her I needed to be alone and think for awhile. So, I went to my parents house and explained everything to them. My dad couldn't shut up about being right and my mother just kept on crying.

Now I'm here, three days later, and I'm starting to grow fangs. I feel like my trust and personal boundaries have been violated, and I'm becoming really sensitive to sunlight as well. I was waiting to turn when we were ready to settle down, but now things are going way too fast. To make matters worse my father has recently purchased a crossbow and is making stakes in his workshop. I don't know if he's planning on slaying me, my girlfriend, or the both of us.

Is there a way to cure vampirism? Or should I try to accept this change in my life and forgive my girlfriend? What should I do?

>> No.23027355


>> No.23027368

so... you turned into a vampire... what is your problem again?
I think you just can't handle the awesomeness of this situation

>> No.23027369

Drag her coffin into the sunlight, then open it up, and hug her until you both burn up.

It's the only reasonable cure.

>> No.23027378

Open a blog.

>> No.23027383
File: 48 KB, 333x286, 1357740467869.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

You dun goof'd OP, you dad warned you and you didn't listen.

Anyway, you asked for this, and you said you wanted to turn anyway, what's the problem? If you find that being a vampire isn't as cool as it sounds (hurrrr) then accept the crossbolt like a man or watch one last sunrise with your family.

>> No.23027387

>she told me that I was provoking her by not wearing my evening turtleneck
Classic victim blaming. If you had been wearing the turtleneck, or a choker, or anything on your neck, her line would have been how accenting your throat drew attention to it.

Drop the girlfriend, OP. Don't cave in to the necroarchy.

>> No.23027407

Look at it this way. For the moment, you're probably not going to be able to undo it. You *can* cure Vampirism, but it takes some real powerful clerical magic to do it. So you're going to have to pay an obscene amount of money, or join a church and try to earn it.

What's happened has happened, so you might as well try and forgive your girlfriend and adjust. If nothing else you're still going to need someone to help you make the transition and settle into your new life. It might as well be her.

>> No.23027415

Not as awkward as being turned by werewolf girlfriend.

>> No.23027430

>I accused her of drinking to much
>drinking too much
>too much
so it would be totally okay with you if she just drink a little?

>> No.23027435


Dude you have to kill your girlfriend that will break the curse of vampirism.

>> No.23027450

OP, you should really try writing to Dear Abby here on /tg/. His insights are really thoughtful.

>> No.23027453


He said he wnted to turn eventually. I don't think any church will release him from his curse (which is pretty hard) only because he wants to wait some months/years to to it again.

>> No.23027461

I'd imagine he would be, it's how most relationships where one partner is a Vampire work.

>> No.23027465

no not the girlfriend but the master vampire with a a... unicorn horn. Yes, unicorn horn. I happen to know a guy who sells genuine unicorn horns

>> No.23027469
File: 31 KB, 440x230, xerxes.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>she told me that I was provoking her by not wearing my evening turtleneck.

You are a slut and you deserve it. I hope she sucks you dry and leaves your dry hull to be violated by her loyal minions.

>> No.23027474


The dad sounds awesome, can we hear more about him? Can someone write more about him?

Just more on the dad plz, much better than OP.

>> No.23027480

Take some time to think about this. I mean, it's not like you don't have the time, right? With that in mind, it's perfectly reasonable to conclude that this is really a good thing, and even if your girlfriend might have betrayed your trust, at least something good has come out of it. How your relationship works out is up to you, but you shouldn't feel down about having been made immortal.

I put it to you that time heals any and all wounds, and now you have all the time in the world for your wounds to heal. You could feel down about the turn your relationship's taken, but not about your craving for the blood of the living. Still, you should probably be wary of your dad until he's had time to calm down, at least.

>> No.23027492


Husk. He's a person, not a boat.

>> No.23027505

Whoa, let's not make this about vampire rape. I just want to work this out between her and I and not get the authorities involved. I still love her very much, even though I am a little upset. This is just a rough patch that we need to get through by slaying.

This was my father's suggestion as well. By accident I informed him that she was turned by the organizer of her book club, and he's out on the hunt tonight. I feel really guilty about this because this is going to take away one of her favorite social activities. This could cure us both, though, so it could be benifical in the long term.

>> No.23027508

You sure?

>> No.23027541

>This could cure us both, though

Or it could get you both killed. And it assumes she even wants to be turned back and is willing to help you.

You still love her, and you mentioned that you were planning on turning anyway. It's not the end of the world.

>> No.23027560

Disgusting necrophiliac, you deserve your fate for consorting with vermin. Where are you? I might be able to solve your problem, permanently.

>> No.23027576
File: 217 KB, 192x108, Alucard Approves.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Well if your GF looks like Seras then suck it up and deal with it. Girls that good looking are hard to find, pry why she got turned in the first place. Her sire didn't want such beauty to be ravaged by time.

Aye, but the question is, do you want to be cured? I'm pretty sure the transformation doesn't complete until you actually drink blood. Until then, you're a kind of Half-Vampire. Or I don't know. How does vampirism work where you are anyway?

>> No.23027589

Hey at least your gf isn't a rakshasa. I mean yeah she's human looking most of the time, but waking up with fur in your mouth is just awful

Anyway, just run away with her, you two can start over somewhere new and honestly you'll probably thank her after the first 100 years pass

>> No.23027592


Go fuck yourself, vitalist pig. The undead rights bill was passed for a reason.

>> No.23027603 [DELETED] 

My dad went on the hunt and now it's brought along a bunch of problems in it's wake. Apparently the book club was meeting today, and he barged in while they were having some cheese and wine. As he puts it, "Every one of them was screamin', but I managed to get that blood-sucking master vamp right in the heart." He then told me he was disappointed when she did not turn to dust, but was able to make up for it by cutting off her head and bringing it home with him as a trophy. Now he is just looking at it where it sits above the fireplace and laughs to himself occasionally. Absolutely tasteless.

The slightest comfort he gave to me was when he told me that my girlfriend was unharmed, and had fled the scene before he could 'consider offin' her.' Knowing this I attempted to call her but I kept getting forwarded to her voice-mail. I think she knows what I had told my father. She's claimed to have a mental lock on thoughts, but I doubt that because I'm pretty sure she would have called and apologized by now if she knew how I've been feeling for the past few days. Maybe she's just intimately clueless.

Meanwhile, I don't see any signs of my fangs receding. It's possible that the vampire my father killed wasn't even the master, making this all for nothing. At this point I don't really care if my girlfriend leaves me anymore, I just want to wash my hands of this whole situation. Perhaps if I went out and bought those cool sunglasses I mentioned earlier I'd feel better.

>> No.23027608


Have you non of you read the works of Archmage Elroar Kartus? He explains that it should be possible to cure vampirism through arcane means by severing the body's connection to the negative plane and replace it another without destroying the subject.

>> No.23027614

>I just want to work this out between her and I and not get the authorities involved.
Not getting the authorities involved just teacher her, and "people" like her, that they can get away with this.

If you don't, you are aiding in the turning of hundreds of other humans, and other mortals, all over the world.

Don't be That Guy. Say No.

>> No.23027619

What kind of pussy lets his DAD go fight the master fucking vampire? Vamp up and kick some unholy ass yourself, or enjoy your dad's funeral---or maybe him coming back with prominent canines to pull your spine out of your asshole.


>> No.23027625


>The dad is just insane

This is the funniest shit I have read all week

>> No.23027636

My dad went on the hunt and now it's brought along a bunch of problems in it's wake. Apparently the book club was meeting today, and he barged in while they were having some cheese and wine. As he puts it, "Every one of them was screamin', but I managed to get that blood-sucking master vamp right in the heart." He then told me he was disappointed when she did not turn to dust, but was able to make up for it by cutting off her head and bringing it home with him as a trophy. Now he is just looking at it where it sits above the fireplace and laughs to himself occasionally. Absolutely tasteless.

The slightest comfort he gave to me was when he told me that my girlfriend was unharmed, and had fled the scene before he could 'consider offin' her.' Knowing this I attempted to call her but I kept getting forwarded to her voice-mail. I think she knows what I had told my father. She's claimed to have a mental lock on thoughts, but I doubt that because I'm pretty sure she would have called and apologized by now if she knew how I've been feeling for the past few days. Maybe she's just intimately clueless.

Meanwhile, I don't see any signs of my fangs receding. It's possible that the vampire my father killed wasn't even the master, making this all for nothing. At this point I don't really care if my girlfriend leaves me anymore, I just want to wash my hands of this whole situation. Perhaps if I went out and bought some cool sunglasses and a leather trench coat, I'd feel better...

>> No.23027672

(Sorry about screwing post order, OP. my bad?)

>> No.23027677
File: 1.22 MB, 1162x850, 1359397680930.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]


Your father is a brave warrior, it's a shame his son is such a disappointment.

How can I contact him, I want to join him in his sacred mission.

>> No.23027679

How cute. He thinks legalized slave-labor is/are people! How about you go suck on a baculum, you goddamn worm-fucker?

>> No.23027689


No no, you are thinking were-wolfs man, if you kill the sire or pack leader the rest is cure.

>> No.23027717

Welcome to the nineties, Here's your complimentary Pearl Jam concert T-shirt, we're going out to the movies later, and the group hasn't decided on the Big Lebowski, or Forest Gump. Also I have to put some minutes on my flip phone.

>> No.23027741
File: 33 KB, 1000x563, Father+Alexander+Anderson+let+me+love+you+hellsing+_905ac9e8a3b1f297495619b3fa66b1e2.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Back off, ye runt. This man sounds like the perfect recruit for the Iscariot Organization.

>> No.23027742
File: 92 KB, 496x609, 1356910939290.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

If ya love her, and yet don't care if she leaves you, then ya don't really love her. Work this shit out. She's pry not returning your calls because she's scared daddy got your cell phone and is going for a trace so he can "finish the job" as it were.

You'll have to locate her physically. Where would she run to if a slayer was on her ass? Go there and make sure daddy doesn't follow. Use your head for once.

People can be easily traced through their smartphone. Gotta have a GPS scrambler on ya to prevent that. Very inconvenient.

>> No.23027744

Oi, chums. I finally figured out a method of cutting off my soul without killing myself. I had to run through hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of cheap Russian mob sex slaves, but it was worth it.

As best I can tell, the process leaves the person completely alive and incapable of dying. An important caveat is that wounds still take the normal amount of time to heal, but as a bonus, everything will heal over a long enough period of time - or so it appears. The regeneration is extremely gradual, but ongoing. I'm still running tests - apparently when brain damage is healed, it doesn't restore the lost memories, which is good to know - on my surviving test subjects.

So, who's interested in immortality? If you buy in now that it's in closed beta, it will really help speed along my research to full release. Here, let me get the link to my kickstarter...

>> No.23027758

>Mouthful of fur.
Buddy, it's like you've never dated a proper Rakasha. The tiger thing is played, they just do it to keep up appearances--or Kali forbid because it's the "hipster" thing to do.

That being said, my wife can turn her arms into snakes and can blow shit up with her third eye. But the snake part is the worst. She doesn't do it often, but there's nothing quite as shocking as when you look down during an intimate moment and see a cobra sucking you off.

Wish I had problems as simple as "Oh no, I'm gonna be immortal and can't go out in the sun", it'd be less morally reprehensible for me to just outlive my partners at the firm than to do the whole ritual sacrifice thing my bitu keeps suggesting.

>> No.23027773

Well at least you aren't married to a wood elf.

>> No.23027791

>Is there a way to cure vampirism? Or should I try to accept this change in my life and forgive my girlfriend? What should I do?

There's only one way I've heard of to cure vampirism.

You need to give her the stake, right in the heart

>> No.23027795

Uhhh. Can I contribute, but not collect my reward until full release?

>> No.23027815
File: 100 KB, 480x480, 1348397485007.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>Not being a lich
>Not being romantically involved with another lich

You have dun goof'd, good sir. Good day to you!

>> No.23027822

Ugly mix of little fuckups you've done there - giving her wine in the first place, her drinking more than protocol demands, you sleeping next to _drunk_ vampire with no protection whatsoever obviously - that all merged into this.. scenario.
But what's done is done. The question you have to ask yourself now is whether she's the type of girl you can imagine a future with. Not based on this recent even but based on her attitude personality.
When there is something worth saving in that relationship, such accidents can be forgiven. When there is not it's excuse for final breakup as good as any.

One more thing to note - most vampire-vampire (and even good portion of vampire-human) relationships are open to some degree. The reason being obvious - sustenance. You can't get all you need just from your partner and while there are "alternative" solutions (be it synthetic or animal) those are rather unhealthy in the long run, so it's better to.. do it the natural way. Some people might see it as... promiscuity but doesn't have to be anything sexual about it.

By the way: Your parents sound like some very uptight people. Vampire or not I'd consider getting some more distance from them.

>> No.23027827


What if you were a paladin who specialized in fighting vampires, and you did it by staking vampire's hearts with your holy paladin cock?

>> No.23027840

If you're dealing with the fucking Russian mob than why the fuck aren't you trying to learn the Rasputin method? Fucker learned it from Koschei himself. Sure you have to sodomize sheep and get shot a couple of times; but it's cheaper than goddamn--whatever the hell you're doing.

This guy seems a little too woe-is-me to have anything more than a holy paladin toothpick.

>> No.23027842

How do you... you know...get it on? Polymorph self just isnt the same thing... kind of like wearing a condom.

>> No.23027853

Well OP it could have been worse. She could have been a werewolf instead. At least as a vampire she can still work the graveyard shifts.

My brother dated a werewolf for a while. I mean she seemed like a really nice girl but whenever tha time of the month rolled around she turned into a psycho bitch

3 years later and now he's one as well and he can't hold a fucking job because of it.

You gotta think of the positives and don't let your dad get you down. He's from a different time than us. Back when he was a kid Vampires and Zombies weren't even allowed in the same cafeteria, let alone dating.

>> No.23027857

Sounds awful. Haven't had her do the snake arm thing yet, though she decorates the house with a lot of snake motifs. Maybe she's trying to get me used to the idea?

> it'd be less morally reprehensible for me to just outlive my partners at the firm than to do the whole ritual sacrifice thing my bitu keeps suggesting.

That is what happens though, gradually her suggestions will seem less and less unreasonable until bam! you find yourself with a mouthful of partly cooked human flesh and she's smiling like it's the most beautiful sight in the world.

>> No.23027865

At least they're capable of feeling love. You have not known fear until you've unwittingly dated a terminator.

>> No.23027876
File: 177 KB, 746x600, Kiritsugu.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

People like you need to die. Good thing I'm pretty damned good at making that happen. Be seeing ya soon.

>> No.23027880
File: 227 KB, 500x349, sayaka_and_kyoko_chibi.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

this nigga knows what he's talking about

>> No.23027896

We do not see a reason to join giblets, if you know what I mean. Although, I assume we could polymorph.

>> No.23027897

Unless they both join for the purpose of being cured.

>> No.23027902

Absolutely! Not a problem at all.

Mine is actually derived from the Rasputin method of standard Koschei lichdom. Thanks for pointing that out. This method, though, uses a tungsten needle in a carbon lattice egg shot out into space for a metaphorical 'island at the end of the world.' We're still experimenting with materials and launch methods, though, which is why it's still in closed beta.


Oh, wait, you're serious. Let me laugh harder.


>> No.23027921

Nah, we're doing the vegan thing. It was a huge argument, apparently her trying to get me to lobby for Monsanto was perfectly acceptable but me wanting to pick up some fastfood on the way home from getting the groceries was not.

I don't get rakshasas man. You think she'd be into the consumption of flesh but apparently that reminds her too much of her uncle. And that's why I'm never allowed to go to Sri Lanka either.

Not that I mind. It just gets a little bothersome to spend two extra bucks for almond milk and fake-eggs. And it also means I have to go to the hippie-dippy wood elf market. And they're always telling me my aura is tainted.

>> No.23027947


Megukas are something between deathknights and liches.

>> No.23027962

The shit we put up with right? Sometimes I wonder why, but you know despite the stuff I'm griping about she's totally wonderful

Though OP's situation makes me wonder how we'll handle her living a lot longer than me.

>> No.23027969

Let me make this perfectly clear.
She TURNED you, that shit is INTENTIONAL
Most likely the turtleneck thing was an excuse, she wanted to be with you for all time.
If you hadn't discussed this sort of thing yet then she's crazy, if you did and thought about marriage, then she still fucked up, but isn't crazy, probably

>> No.23027973

So the improvement is the regeneration, right? I mean, in the Rasputin model of lichdom, they're almost impossible to kill, but hit them with enough stuff and they still die. It sounds like your model allows for eventual regeneration of lost body parts and nervous/brain damage?

>> No.23027982

That happened to me.
I'm happy with my situation

>> No.23028019
File: 24 KB, 400x300, 1351134948693.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

You sure about that? An advanced A.I might be capable of love, it's just hard for them to express it. Stick it out man, she didn't kill ya so she might have had feelings for you.

I'm the guy that hired the magus killer. I wouldn't be laughing, he really is damned good. Gives absolutely zero fucks too. Public sniping, demolition, poisons, whatever it takes to complete the mission. If you say you can't die, this guy will really speed along your research. Hope you enjoy being your own guinea pig.

>> No.23028052

>can't hold a job
If you want to keep it legal - sports are where big money is. You're getting incredible physical boost even when in "casual" form, just work on it and you will be winning races like no one's business. Obvioously no night games, but that shouldn't be an issue in most sports. And you have to be a bit careful with scheduling once you start traveling around the world (full moon while you're on plane is bound to ruin your reputation even if you can cover it up as a wild party). Team games are a bit of a problem too unless the whole team is of your kin (but then if it is, your perfromance gets complete bonkers).

As for the other side of law - pretty much anything goes.You're one-man army, bullets won't stop you, you get free disguise once in aa while... that goes for anything from bruiser to mob boss.

And let's not forget you there are always some open positions in porn.

>> No.23028059

ITT: Delusional kin-fags. Some of us still are old enough to remember when "kinfolk" meant "humankind".

>> No.23028071

Yup! We haven't tried full incineration yet, so we may still all end up going the way of Koschei eventually, but of the surviving test subjects one has already grown most of her finger back, another has shown lots of growth from her amputated arm, and the one whose head we crushed just started breathing again yesterday. It will be a few decades before we're completely clear on what the limitations of the method are, considering how long some of these healing processes take, but it's looking really promising.

I do enjoy being my own guinea pig, actually. I have most of my toes back on my left foot now and my phylactery just passed Mars's orbital two weeks ago. Anyway, we've had problems with wackjob fundamentalists before, but the Russian Mob is really quite happy to deal with security as long as we keep paying them.

>> No.23028073

Fun Fact:Underground "Dog Fights" are a thing with wolves
It's like our Boxing or MMA.
Good money if you're good at it
TECHNICALLY illegal, but people are trying to get it legalized

>> No.23028101

Get with the times, ya ol' geezer!

>> No.23028141
File: 230 KB, 519x925, Fuerza_Natural_by_reiq.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]


OP, count yourself lucky. For the past month, I've been nailing the hottest girl ever; Today, I found out it was myself, from the future, in a Guise of the Thespian.

I asked him why, and he said:

> "Well, I thought we should get laid EVENTUALLY."

>> No.23028143
File: 135 KB, 574x400, Hell_Yeah_Homu_Kyouko.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

with extra icing of adorable

>> No.23028165

Wow, just wow. Even I'm not that pathetic.

>> No.23028189




>> No.23028208

you you or both of you?

>> No.23028214
File: 195 KB, 836x1448, super mumi.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Why aren't you watching the superior magical girl show?

>> No.23028217

I'm no wackjob. Your research is simply reprehensible on the moral level. Also, do remember that if you get totally gibbed (and you will, this guy doesn't fuck around) you'll regenerate from your phylactery. So you'll be in the dead cold of space for the rest of eternity. A fitting end for one with the blood of thousands on his hands.

Now that, is just sad. You're not really getting laid, you're just masturbating so technically you're still a virgin and still never got laid!

>> No.23028220

So, I ran in to the weirdest situation the other day.
My boss is one of the most straight laced, formal, by the book cunts on the planet. This lady has fired people for showing small amounts of skin.
The other day was a company party for someone retiring, Her husband is a damn Incubus.
I got no idea how to react to this

>> No.23028243


I was like:


And he was like:

> "Yeah, I thought that'd help."

He left me the Guise so I could go back in time in about twenty years. He also told me to wear something sexy.

I think I've hit rock bottom, but I'm strangely aroused.

>> No.23028246

because subjective taste

>> No.23028252

Wow. Your boss keeps her private life private?

>> No.23028265


He's on the wagon. When he falls off, he'll fall hard.

Prepare your anus.

>> No.23028266

Oh, yeah. Sure. We regenerate from the phylactery. That totally wasn't something that we just put in fantasy novels to give slayers hope. That's totally how liches actually work.

It's not. This is Koschei-model lichdom, not D&D. With this research, I'll be saving more lives than I've ever taken. Everyone is terminally ill with the disease of mortality. I'm just the greatest doctor who's ever lived. You're the man who wants to kill all life on earth by destroying the knowledge that could save it.

>> No.23028277

It's most the shock an incredibly prude woman is married to a Demon of Sex.

>> No.23028347
File: 149 KB, 1023x914, Moe mengele.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

People tend to invert in the bedroom. That shy, unassuming guy with glasses in the corner? Yeah, he's a dom. Same with your boss. She acts all conservative and shit, but behind closed doors she needs a man who can satisfy her boundless lust. That's kind of an incubi's whole shtick so it's no wonder they're married. Really, not surprising once you know a thing or two about human nature.

Because you want to experience the joy of being cummed inside. You want to be "the little girl" as it were. Not surprising. Still, don't literally screw yourself. Unless that's your fetish.

And whose to say that mortality is not a gift instead of a curse? Living forever would suck after a few millennia and there's no hope of ever learning the answer to the question "what happens when you die", "Is there a God", and so on.

End doesn't justify the means, and your little speech reminds me of someone...

>> No.23028354
File: 866 KB, 700x1878, Sion_Eltnam_Atlasia.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>Is there a way to cure vampirism?
Okay OP here's what you need to do. You see this girl here is called Sion Eltname Atlasia. She is from a long and very old line of magi. She has been searching for a way to cure vampirism for some reason for a good while. Her current location is unknown, but she might have been sighted in Japan according to reports.

Be careful as I've heard rumours that she is capable of replicating an anti-existence cannon or something like that and she may or may not be fraternizing with a zombie-ghost and a massivel powerful but innocent looking vampire.

Good luck on your adventure.

>> No.23028378
File: 92 KB, 1280x720, Homu in tights.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Nothing subjective about this

>> No.23028403
File: 177 KB, 1024x663, 3847238947.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Being as we're sharing I'll share my current predicament with you. Though please keep it to yourselves I don't want this getting out of hand.

I've fallen in love with my succubus. I know, I know. I couldn't help it. Everything started out rocky considering she was bound to my will and all, but in the end I don't even need to summon her anymore, she just likes my company.

Granted she's thousands of years old and can take any shape, but still, she loves me and I love her. I just can't help but feel a little drained from the relationship, like she's taking a piece of me with her everytime we're together.

My folks don't know yet. How could I tell them? Should I tell them?

My head as been really itchy lately too, so has the small of my back, what's that about?

>> No.23028421


> Still, don't literally screw yourself. Unless that's your fetish.


...I'm going to. Apparently.

Now I'm scared, because what happens if I don't? I'll cause a time paradox!

>> No.23028427


>My head as been really itchy lately too, so has the small of my back, what's that about?

Sheeyit, boy, you got the germ.

You have demon AIDS.

>> No.23028435

Mengele was a sadist and a torturer. His research was entirely secondary to the suffering it caused. My experiments weren't ethical, but they weren't nearly so brutal as that.

And yes, the ends do justify the means. In the same way that murdering evil men is justified, sacrificing the few for the good of the many is so too justified. And if people choose not to accept? If they are so suicidal to choose death over life? I won't stop them. But for anyone sane enough to choose life, anyone who can respect the sacrifices that were made to find this cure, the choice is obvious.

You're just evil, wanting people to die instead of live. Hating the man trying to cure his test subjects of the terminal condition of morality just because he didn't get informed consent from them and a few succumbed to their disease in the process. You should be ashamed.

>> No.23028450

What?!! That's a real thing! I can I die from it? Of fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.

>> No.23028453

Paradoxes, at least true ones, are a myth
The Multiverse ensures any possibility of existence will happen
Which means there are an infinite number of worlds where you didn't go back, to fuck yourself after your future self fucked you
Nothing bad will happen if you don't do it. It's up to you

>> No.23028454


Hey, in all fairness: I'm not the other guy, and I already want you to be dead.

>> No.23028460

He's lying to you. She's drinking your soul, one sip at a time. It's turning you into an incubus. Those itches are from the horns and the wings coming in. Don't worry, once you're fully transformed, you'll be great together.

>> No.23028471

It's because you're turning into an Incubus. It's kind of what happens if they don't just drain your soul outright. So you have two choices, break it off now while you're still human or keep going, turn into an incubus, and spend the rest of your days fucking 24/7.

>> No.23028474

This man speaks the truth.
She wants you for all of time as hers,so she's turning you, bit by bit.
Discuss it with her

>> No.23028478


No, it's turning him into a SUCCUBUS, you moron. That's how they reproduce.

He's right about demon AIDS. If it kills you, you end up in hell, but your soul gets reshaped into a succubus. Sort of like the chestbursters in alien.

>> No.23028482

What the hell is an Incubus? is that the dude version? I don't want to be a crazed sex fiend! What will my mother think :L Help.

>> No.23028488

And I'll treat you regardless when you decide you don't want to suffer from your illness, your mortality, anymore. Humanity is sick, and I will see them cured. I would say over my dead body, but that's not true, because I'm already healthy.

Don't worry. Give it a few decades - or a few centuries, if you aren't already taken by your disease by then.

>> No.23028499
File: 23 KB, 393x359, 1359951305208.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

MFW curses everywhere

>> No.23028523

Yes, it's the dude version, but you'll be no more crazed and a sex fiend than she is. You'll have a dramatically increased libido, sure, and powers relating to mind control, seduction, and giving people fantastically perfect sex. You'll get a big dick, a perfectly fit body, and a face like a fashion model. And wings, horns, a tail, and probably some kind of change in skin colour.

But you won't be crazed, or anything. Or you won't necessarily be, anyway, assuming you have some modicum of self control.

>> No.23028531

Incubus is a male Succubus, she wants you tied to her, and fucking her for all eternity.
But you can stop any time you want, your libido will be through the roof, but you can resist if you feel like it.

>> No.23028539

>What will my mother think :L
Hopefully she'll enjoy shopping for clothes with her new daughter, and not mind too much that you're a lesbian if you do stick to liking girls.

>> No.23028544

Yes, it is the dude version. Yes, about the only thing you'll be able to think about will be sex. So you either need to break it off now, or get a condom that's got so many holy wards even the cleric forgot what half of them do. Of course, that might hurt her so really, break it off or resolve thyself to your fate.

Pretty sure you're the sick one. Don't worry, that guy I hired will cure you of your lichdom and all your other ills... Permanently.

>> No.23028546
File: 565 KB, 1367x629, 005_Alp.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Nah, succubi turn men into incubi. And women into succubi.

Basic demonology.

>> No.23028549

No, you become a succubus if they take your soul in one big gulp. When they sip it, you slowly transform into an incubus. When they take it all, you either get reforged into a succubus in hell or are are used to fuel hell's furnaces.

>> No.23028580

It'll be hilarious when you grow up and get tired of immortality.

>> No.23028586

>Don't worry, that guy I hired will cure you of your lichdom and all your other ills... Permanently.
Not if I'm right about my current model of lichdom. And if I'm wrong, if I'm still sick with a lesser version of mortality... Well, I've already put my research on a time-delayed release in the event of my demise for future necromancers to use in the same way I used Rasputin's. There will be a cure someday if my model isn't a complete one - but I'm reasonably certain that it is.

>> No.23028609

Sort of dating succubus myself. Open relationship. Weirdest story how we came together.

>> No.23028618


You two are both stupid.

- Sincerely,
everyone else.

>> No.23028636

I want a copy, may not be a necromancer but sounds worth reading

>> No.23028697

But of course. No point in destroying this monster's research. Mengele's research did have some interesting discoveries, like how much blood a person can lose before they die and such. How he got that information was monstrous, but there's no reason to throw it all way because of its tainted origins. Was still an evil fuck though.

>> No.23028703

Your denial is sad. There is no afterlife. When you die, you stop existing. There is nothing in life so terrible that it is worth ceasing to exist, but you've told yourself that there is - that boredom, of all things, could be terrible enough to be worth ceasing to exist over. You've convinced yourself of this because you can't accept how truly horrible of a thing death is. You've convinced yourself of this because you don't want to be afraid of your disease.

I'll still be here when - if - you ever grow up and realize how much you don't want to die.

You may not be a necromancer yet, but on a long enough timeline, you can be anything. Anyway, once it goes into open release, I'll be releasing all of my research to the public. The only way I'll be releasing it before then is if something happens to me like getting killed (whoops!) or taking catastrophic enough damage that it takes me years to regain consciousness or I lose all of my memories and the timed release goes through.

As a side note, remember, catastrophic brain damage will still remove your memories. Your brain will recover, but you will be an amnesiac, so unless you keep a telepathic backup of your memories, you will only necessarily be keeping your base personality as determined by your soul's nature. So, if you're going for immortality, make sure to make a backup unless you want to someday start over with a new identity and new memories - for example, if the boredom gets bad enough.

>> No.23028723

Thanks for your advice everyone it was really hard but I broke it off with her. She wasn't even mad, she just kind of new it was coming.

I've got these to lumps on my head now, hurts like hell, plus my spines kinda fucked up. I'm pretty sure I'm changing into an Incubus.

Mum and Dad freaked out, the doctor told me I was too far along in the process to turn back.

On the up side I met a girl, her name's Kate, she's really nice, just another mortal. I've been able to hide my changes so far with my mum's makeup and baggy clothes.

Should I tell her? I'm not sure how long I have, but I think this is real love.

>> No.23028752

no offence bro, but your gf sounds like a bitch, At least my vamp gf said she wouldn't turn me without my permission

>> No.23028776

You should absolutely tell her. Otherwise, anything you do with her can be considered soul-rape.

You see, if you involve yourself with her, you will do exactly the same as what your succubus girlfriend did to you.

So, keep that in mind.

The only things you can safely involve yourself with are things that have damaged/altered souls - other demons, these lich fellows that have been populating the thread, and so on. Normal humans will be altered - or even killed - by enjoying your big new incubus dick.

>> No.23028780

Well shit. You're fucked, in more ways than one. Maybe see if the Succubus will take ya back. Otherwise, just play straight with the girl and tell her. Also, since you're still in the process of turning there might be a cure. Better look into that.

>> No.23028792

>girlfriend says we need to talk
>tells me 'she' is actually biological symbiote controlling this woman's body against her will
Needless to say, when she talked about us being 'together', we weren't exactly on the same page. On the one hand the whole brain-control thing does ring a few alarm bells, but she did say she wants to be in a voluntary relationship this time. I told her I needed some time to think about it and locked myself in the car. Be honest here; if 0 is Not Fucked and 10 is Fucked, how fucked am I?

>> No.23028801

>I'll still be here when - if - you ever grow up
Typical angry childish response.

>> No.23028817

7. She's probably lying, and might be wrong even if she isn't.

>> No.23028821
File: 89 KB, 300x354, we must dissent.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

It's shit like this that makes one lose faith in humanity. We fucking warned you, back in the 60s, "do not let these so-called 'creatures of the night' meddle in human affairs". We fucking told you it was dangerous to let these fuckers near our workplaces, near our churches, near our schools, near our homes. The spike in crime during the 80s was directly correlated to the inclusion of these subhuman monsters into our suburbia, crimes seldom seen in the past (from 'unlawful de-sanguination' to 'forceful organic-biological adaptation', not even freaking typified mind you) became commonplace in our society. Our children have to wear goddamn lifesavers because some psycho rusalka bitch moved into our neighborhood. And we can't tell them to fuck off to their stinky swamps or go in some old-fashioned mob with pitchforks and torches because it's "politically incorrect" and makes you look like a bigot. Well if fearing the Dark and what lurks behind the veil of rationality makes you a bigot, then I'm the most backwards, obstinate conservative bastard of all of humanity.

Worse even, the added 'choices' in sexuality (and the need to brainwash our kids, from an early age, to accept and celebrate those deviant, perverse immoral acts-thank God my kids were home-schooled-) heighten the sexual mores of our society due to widespread media bombardment and specialty stores that validate those depraved fetishists. Know this; there's a Hell and there's a avenging, angry God who waits just behind the corner. and even God needs his angels

>> No.23028828

And "It'll be hilarious when you grow up and get tired of immortality." isn't?

>> No.23028838

I would say go with it, back have a back up plan, install a huge music system in your home.

>> No.23028859

This. Without informed consent, a succubus/incubus being involved with a mortal is legally soul-rape. Which is also what she did to you when she made you an incubus.

>> No.23028865

8, pretty damn fucked. If you say no she might lose it and infest you anyway. Then you'll be "together".

So, does she mean you and her sharing your body or that you keep going as you are now with her riding the poor girl you've been fucking?

>> No.23028926

>Unemployed but good at gardening
>end up accepting a job at this estate on the edge of town
>really nice place, manages to combine elements of Eastern Europe with modern functionality
>never actually see the woman who hired me but i always get paid so i think nothing of it.
>one night i end up running late and it gets dark before i can finish the job
>as i'm about to leave, somebody opens the front door
>there in front of me is the most beautiful woman i've ever seen
>Ivory skin, pale white hair down to her shoulders and these sparkling blue eyes.
>"It's nice to finally meet face to face" she says and flashes a smile where i notice two fangs
>turns out i was hired to look after a vampires garden
>keep doing the job for another 3 years, spending the night there every so often to chat with her or whatever else
>Eventually we start dating
>a few weeks ago, we're watching a movie and she's cuddled up to me
>as i'm watching the movie, she starts whispering
>next thing i know she starts kissing me on the neck
>apparently she thinks i'm the one for her

don't get me wrong, i love her, but how do i make a relationship with a Vampire work?
I've had a few girlfriends before but they were snooty bitches and one was an elf, but the Vampire? she's everything to me and i want to make this work.
Anyone else had something similar?

>> No.23028940
File: 80 KB, 1280x720, Yuno_Yandere_Face.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>how fucked am I?
Lovingly. Over and over again.

>> No.23028945

Guys you told me I would be an Incubus! I'm a god damn sucubus now! Which I should have really seen coming to be honest, there's something about the supernatural that fucks up horny guys these days.

So I'm on my third date with Kate and we're making out in the back of my car. She's loving it and I can feel her soul sinking into my body, then BAM! I'm a woman with a slender body, black silky hair, and long ass legs.

Kate's bisexual and by her subconscious command I became a succubus to suit her needs. We had sex, well sort of, it was pretty weird considering we were both the same gender. Lets just say a lot of hands were involved.

She didn't even freak out afterwoulds. She's a goddamn witch. She was hiding it from my the whole time.

Should I be angry? I mean I kept my secret too. Does this count as soul-rape? Do witches even have souls? What should I do?

>> No.23028962
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>> No.23028990

I'm a vampire and I think you should consider the long time ramifications of what you're doing. Vampires truly love you whilst you're with the, but unless you can make the "change" your relationship is going to come to a slow end when your an old man.

>> No.23028994
File: 111 KB, 716x1011, 1294846202793.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

If you actually loved her then you wouldn't mind. That's how pure deep love works.

>> No.23029019
File: 495 KB, 1156x1260, QMan_WB_TALOWB_1324_Dr_Mirabilis.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

There's a cure alright, to his ills and the ills of many populating this thread. It's called 'Final Death' and I just happen to know a VERY good specialist on this field.

>> No.23029036
File: 2.11 MB, 2180x3000, sinnerssouls_01.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>I've fallen in love with my succubus
>She's actually a witch
>Also she turned me into a succubus even though witches don't do that

>> No.23029070

The first one, but I don't think she's just going to let her old host go if I agree. I'm thinking about contacting the authorities, but I'm a bit worried in case I get charged with rape when this is over.

>> No.23029074

>fell in love with succubus
>break up with Succubus
>meet new girl
>she's a witch

>> No.23029080

>Victoria Seras as my girlfriend
Yes Please

>> No.23029083

We've had talks on it, but she's never forceful on the matter and she said she'll give me time to think it over though.
I wouldn't mind joining her either, My parents got offed by some Gobos over rent money last year and i was an only child.
If being a vampire is what it takes to spend eternity withthe woman i love, i'm all for it.

>> No.23029113
File: 6 KB, 148x127, soon.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>good at gardening

>> No.23029133

Nobody is going to fall for it, especially only after 10 minutes. Go away troll.

>> No.23029134

what about her family?
Last thing you want is to marry a vamp and have their family hate your guts

>> No.23029139
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>> No.23029145

Don't worry bro/sis, keep at it and someday you will be able to control your polymorph. Lust also kind of decreases in the long term; you still feel horny all the time but can go longer without feeding.

I once grew a penis during cuddling with a male human, the look of shock and panic on his face was totally worth it. Can't go back to Amsterdam though.

>> No.23029194
File: 373 KB, 1263x2003, druids.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Okay lets get this over with

>> No.23029220
File: 324 KB, 1280x1024, Angel2.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Have you ever been with an Angel good sir? I have. She's not the most beautiful one out there but her personality is great. Sweet, kind, gentle, laid back, and one of the few that enjoys the black comedy I constantly spout out.

And those wings, dear god those wings are something else! So soft and smooth, but a bit fluffy as well. Hard to describe, but they feel amazing as she wraps them around me every time I get a hug. I'm seriously considering marrying this girl. I wonder if she'd accept.

Also, God stopped being vengeful after he had a kid. Really mellowed him out. Ever read the New Testament? Jesus was a bro, not an ass.

>> No.23029238

OP, relax. My sister dated a vampire back when it suddenly became cool (fucking Twilight). He was a scumbag, but that's another story. She got the fangs and all, but it's a side-effect from the feeding. Back in the old days, folks used to be tricked into sticking with the vamp, the whole process was completed and presto, new vampire. That or they were run out of town and no-body trusted them, back before the paranormal rights bills were enacted. Don't sweat it. Just don't let her drink any more and whatever the fuck you do, don't drink hers! The signs will go away in a week or two. You might have the urges and about three days before they fade, mother of FUCK you do not want to go out in sunlight, but you'll be fine.

On a tangential note, your dad's a fucking psychopath and I'd advise CALLING THE FUCKING COPS. Normal people do NOT go on a killing spree and keep the SEVERED GODDAMN HEAD over the mantelpiece!

You're going to have to get used to it. Wow though, you're further along than I thought! Got a slight interest in succubi and incubi myself (TOTALLY ACADEMIC, SHUT UP) and I'm afraid this is just part of it. The terms 'succubus' and 'incubus' are just used to determine what gender you're more comfortable with. Give it a few decades and you'll learn to control your shifting as you want. Until then, you're pretty much at the whim of whoever you're with. On a side note, you're not 'soul-less' in the metaphorical sense, only the literal (and even then, it's up for debate if it's actually GONE, or just changed, but I digress)... Think about it; you're not lacking empathy and the like, are you? I'd find the girl who changed you, man... If nothing else, I think she deserves a chance to explain.

>> No.23029255

Her dad's a cool guy, dude's from Hungary and he's got some amazing stories. He's actually fine with me and his daughter dating since he walked in on us kissing during movie night once. He pretty much laughed it off and left the room. Her mother's back in Hungary but she's coming over here in a few weeks apparently.

i'm good, but i'm not THAT good

>> No.23029268
File: 177 KB, 1152x864, Ophanim_by_cinemamind.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

That's not an angel. Don't marry it.

>> No.23029300

You're being tricked by some birdfolk into believing you're dating an angel. Those birdfolk (no seriously its in their biology) are really stupid and she's probably just using it as an excuse to be close to you because she actually does love you.

So its not an angel, but she probably only have your best interests in mind.

>> No.23029318

My angel boyfriend sometimes assumed eldritch horror form. A couple of ghouls tried to mug us when we were coming home late one night and that scared them off.

He says it's taxing, though, so most of the time he hangs around in his normal form.

>> No.23029349

Silly human, angels don't exist.

>> No.23029354

>Implying an Angel wouldn't take on a more humanoid form for day to day dealings with mortals, so as not to drive them mad by simply seeing them

>> No.23029356

>He says it's taxing, though, so most of the time he hangs around in his normal form.
Then he's not a real angel, he's some kind of illusionist. The 'edritch horror' form as you called it IS their real form. If they look different, it's because they're exerting enormous effort upon their Name to look differently. The actual taxing thing is looking anything even approaching 'human.'

Your boyfriend is a liar. I'm not sure what else he is.

>> No.23029375

Fun Fact:If you spent a lot of time suppressing something that is taxing to suppress, it can take a massive effort to stop suppressing it

>> No.23029381

i'm not the OP, mine hasn't turned me yet

>> No.23029403

Isn't this a version of the "if you keep pretending to be something you're not, that's what you'll end up like" thing?

>> No.23029412

You should just stop anon, religious people are nuts and won't stop believing in angels and other crap that don't exist. They'd rather lie to themselves than face the truth.

>> No.23029422


>> No.23029423

Angels are real, though, they're just fucking horrifying to behold.

>> No.23029430
File: 276 KB, 900x900, 1359344387426.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

At least you all have an opinion in matters like this the witch who cursed me also made it impossable to love anyone other than her and while she is cute and i enjoy being with her i just feel forced in the matter ideas?

>> No.23029434

Personally, if that's her true form I don't care. Her personality is essentially perfect, my kind of woman through and through. I could love her even if she was an eldritch horror.

That might explain why she seems so tired most of the time. She keeps telling me it's nothing but I've always suspected there was more to it. I guess I'll just have to confront her on it. Won't be anything new for me if she has a "true" form. I did date a shoggoth once, but she wasn't marriage material like this girl is so I broke it off.

>> No.23029450

That's only the First Sphere of the celestial hierarchy. The lower spheres are frequently humans-with-wings even in their proper form.

>> No.23029455

well if her parents are you with it, i say let her turn you. It sounds like you'd be better off with her and her family.

>> No.23029457

That's brainwashing, illegal, get help

>> No.23029483

Of course they're not real. If they were and showed themselves then they would be proof of god. And as their bible says...

"I refuse to prove my own existence. Proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing" - God in the Bible


>> No.23029487

That's just what the demons want you to think.

No, he explained the form thing, the eldritch form is him reshaping the pure goodness that makes him up so that it's exposed, not relaxed and internal.

He creates holy water for the local temple weekly and had trouble entering a museum we visited because it was build over an ancient unholy site, so pretty sure he's an angel.

>> No.23029488
File: 41 KB, 435x571, wizardwhohasmorempthanhp.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

That she's hexing you it's proof that she cares. That or she wants a demon servant to slaughter her foes, but elementals are so much cheaper.

>> No.23029493

>says it's taxing
>really says this to protect you from the fact it's his true form
>probably had to be trained out of saying "BE NOT AFRAID" when they came up with just using human form

>> No.23029499

Listen, you were asking for it, the way you were dressed. Now you've been given a great gift, so you should go thank her and apologize.

>> No.23029514

How shes always watching except when im on this magic box please help me!

>> No.23029517

>I don't have to explain myself to you weaklings
What a jerk.

>> No.23029518

Aaaaaand /pol/fags show up.
Listen, I'll do this out of threadwise and in
Out:This is Fantasy, "The Bible" is just one god of many, if it exists at all. More than him get angels
IN:The hell are you talking about? People summon Angels from the planar realms all the damn time

>> No.23029535

Make the relationship unbearable for her. Demand sex, all the time. Accidentally knock over her spell components. You're forced into loving her, but you're not forced into being nice.

>> No.23029560

Celestials are not angels. And any known Celestials don't look like the abrahamic angels.

I'm sorry you have been lied to by your community and your mind corrupted by their indoctrination. But that God doesn't exist.

>> No.23029573

>they're just fucking horrifying to behold
I don't think so :3

Funny, he said he was less humanoid when he had lower celestial rank.

I wish, he's pretty vanilla and it would spice things up if he could stick to his eldritch form a bit more often.

He still says "Be not afraid", though.

>> No.23029577

Ok ill go and try this ill be back if not send help though the magic box

>> No.23029593

You're assuming that it's necessary to be "just" bones to be a lich. Jesus, you osteists. Listen, the "just bones" stage happens years, if not decades, after the original undeath ritual, assuming you haven't gone the Egyptian route and preserved major portions of your anatomy. Tanning your own skin is the way to go, man. Softens all those hammers paladins seem to like using.

>3 years later and now he's one as well and he can't hold a fucking job because of it.
You haven't suggested being a security guard? That should do it, get the night shift. Turn up a couple of hours beforehand, make the change, prowl the building for the rest of the night. I guarantee that that store won't have any burglaries ever after that.

If you're doing it right, you shouldn't need the regeneration. Go for the ritualised version. Sure, you need bucketloads of bonemeal, that's not easy to find anywhere other than garden centres and you need to do the purification yourself, but once you have the pentacle laid out, the black rooster split in two and the pig's head on the silver spike you're gravy. I'll let you in on a secret, though. The spike doesn't have to be pure silver. Electroplated copper works just as well.
After all that, you just start with the preservation of body parts. It works I treat, I can tell you. It's best to wait a couple of days between each bit, and you should start with your skin. Then you just find a good (and sympathetic) cobbler and you're good.

Assuming that she's telling the truth about thr symbiote thing, about 7. You have no idea whether that body has only one symbiote, and if it doesn't, then it's wham, bam, your brain is jam. If she IS lying, then she's probably either completely insane (and you're probably royally fucked, making it about 9.5) or she's a shapeshifter (and I can't give any advice on those).

>> No.23029619

>arguments against god
>must be /pol/
Come on /tg/, I thought you were better than ad hominem.

Angels are a kind of celestial, actually.

>> No.23029637

The /pol/ trolls are out in force this week. They've been assholes for a couple of months now.

>> No.23029657

>I thought you were better than ad hominem.
Hahahaha oh come on. /tg/ is one of the worst boards when it comes to this. Anything people don't like is something not from this board.

>> No.23029708

That's actually how I met her. I didn't do the summoning, some evil cultists did (protip: Sacrifice enough orphans/virgins and apparently you can brute force any spell ya want). They wanted to make her body into spell components after they sacrificed her to the dark gods. These cultists were pretty strong but I somehow managed to kick their asses and freed her.

Thought she'd need a drink after all the horrors she likely saw so we hit up a bar and got to talking. It just went from there really.

>> No.23029721

So guys, I met my father today.

Turns out he's a demon.

What do?

>> No.23029727

Fuck you that back fired like no tomorow
What makes you think that?!

>> No.23029754

Ask him for a succubus as a present.

>> No.23029778

Have him teach you how to use your demonic powers, duh.

>> No.23029780
File: 123 KB, 333x366, I don't think so.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

It's you who chooses who you ultimately are. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

>> No.23029818
File: 25 KB, 250x375, lucifer.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

He's a demon.RUN!

>> No.23029821

Maybe we would if the other boards weren't, by and large, such massive assholes. /pol/ is the worst of it.

I swear, people used to argue for the existence OF a god, or gods, with as much blind conviction as people now do AGAINST them! I swear, some people just like to be contrary.

>> No.23029847

>says guy "corrupted" by divine pancakes

>> No.23029850

He literally creates holy water. I think I'm safe.

>> No.23029860

Well if she is with Mr. Wealth and Taste himself then she's got quite the catch I say.

>> No.23029889

It was a Douglas Adams excerpt, you blithering morons.. In addition, the argument behind said quote is intentionally nonsensical. Come on, /tg/. Step it up. This is poor form even for a 'modern fantasy roleplayan wat do' thread.

>> No.23029903

>girl makes a love potion and makes a guy fall in love with her, everyone "dawwww"s and congratulate her on her alchemy skills
>guy makes a love potion and makes a girl fall in love with him, everyone screams rape, he gets arrested and thrown in the dungeon, girl gets clerical help
why are these double standards still tolerated ffs

>> No.23029919

It sounds like he wants to do that anyways. Said something about "joining the family business." He wouldn't tell me what that is.

>> No.23029953

Gods have always existed silly. But when a religion comes out of nowhere in the middle of existence after the creation of many other similar gods earlier in creation. With only a few high level casters in history who says that its the ONLY religion and that everyone is an evil demon worshipping heretic you should get kinda suspect.

Add in the fact that the religion never has had any evidence of divine spells related to it, that the religion copies other, earlier, more sensible religions and that its a rather new religion compared to many others who are older (see: Mithra) and has about the same story.

I mean, you should really start to question your belief after all of this when there are so many other religions that has an active role in the world and divine spells and celestials.

They're not even allowed to depict their god thus denying the religion actual worship! Its insane.

>> No.23029980

I've recently started dating an elf.

But the thing is, he still hasn't introduced me to his parents. I'm afraid they might be some traditionalist bigots, expecting him to settle down with some nice elvish boy from a "pure" lineage, and not with a subelven human girl. I keep asking him about them, but he says he's not ashamed of me and wants me to meet them but now just isn't the right time. Do you think I'm overreacting?

>> No.23030005

They're dead and he doesn't have enough money to pay their religious institution for the ritual to talk to them.

>> No.23030026 [SPOILER] 
File: 867 KB, 1134x1444, zeitgeist_bullshit.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Please do some proper research before spouting that Mithra Zeitgeist nonsense. Educate yourself on the subject. And please, for the love of god, stop derailing this thread with that retarded religion related shit. Let's just go back to topic. Please? Guys? And gals? Please? Pretty please? Can we just drop this now?

>> No.23030043

Radical feminist elves control the media, that's why. They hate males and human males especially.

>> No.23030047

>no fun allowed
go back to /b/

>> No.23030048

Yes, for you it might have been a wonderful time, some years even, but for him it's really like a blink, a flirt, a summertime love. Don't get your hopes up, elves just experience life in a different way. also, check your human privilege, we had to be on the run for centuries before you guys let go of the torches.

>> No.23030051

Ok, I think I need some help. I started taking these online wizardry classes, and now I have all sorts of glowing blue marks appearing all over my skin and the spells I try seem to be a lot stronger than they are supposed to be. For example, I tried a cantrip to recharge my laptop and well...... Let's just say the power company is suing me for knocking out all of the transformers in an eight mile radius. Should I be worried?

>> No.23030076

Oh, boy, here comes /pol/ with their tinfoil hat conspiracies and their delusions about "Illithid Internet Defense Force" and the like. Just give it a rest already, no one cares.

>> No.23030120
File: 132 KB, 400x523, illithid.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

gee, i wonder who's behind this post

>> No.23030134

How about no, tinfoil hat provides ample protection from illithids.

>> No.23030171

Tell me about it, I'm sick of being told I have "human privilege" and that we need quotas and special state spending on "minority races", half of which only exist thanks to some human wizard's curiosity.

It's humans I'm always hearing it from too, so I don't know why they're so interested in creating legal, institutional biases against us.

>> No.23030173

zarusfags pls go

>> No.23030228
File: 25 KB, 366x380, oh shit heretic.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>online wizardry classes
How can you expect to learn the intricate, subtle motions needed to bend reality over and make her your bitch through plain text and 360-nowandl33t youtube videos? There's a reason why we live near academies, you know.

Not all is lost, though. Look for "spells" without gestural components. More like hexes, curses, rituals really. Keep in mind that you have both to vocalize and focus your will at the same time for extended periods. Which is why we do this shit in groups. Alone, you would be lucky if you can summon a drizzle.

>> No.23030244

Me and my Angel gf go around helping those poor sods all the time. People give us funny looks, calling us homewreckers and such. But really, we're saving men from what amounts to mind control! How anyone can view that as OK one way but not the other infuriates us both and we've resolved to stop it.

Besides, we're pretty strong when we fight together, the Yandere's we usually end up fighting don't stand a chance. She's so beautiful when she flies...

No, that's not it. Follow the money, Big Pharma and the Cleric's Guild. If they made Love Potions illegal that'd be a fuckton of lost revenue for them. But really, it comes down to the public themselves.

The man and woman on the street has this double standard already internalized. Hell, the guys think it'd be pretty hot... Until they get dosed and find out their "lover" is a total bitch, ugly as sin, or both, but unable to leave the relationship because of the potion's effects.

That's when we step in. We do it all for free too. But they keep insisting that we take some reward so it's been a good source of supplemental income despite our original intentions.

>> No.23030290

Everybody says there is this RACE problem. Everybody says this RACE problem will be solved when the third world pours into EVERY human country and ONLY into human countries.

The Empire and Northern Alliance are just as crowded as Greenwood or Silverdale, but nobody says Greenwood or Silverdale will solve this RACE problem by bringing in millions of third worlders and quote assimilating unquote with them.

Everybody says the final solution to this RACE problem is for EVERY human country and ONLY human countries to “assimilate,” i.e., intermarry, with all those non-humans.

What if I said there was this RACE problem and this RACE problem would be solved only if hundreds of millions of non-orcs were brought into EVERY orc country and ONLY into orc countries?

How long would it take anyone to realize I’m not talking about a RACE problem. I am talking about the final solution to the ORC problem?

And how long would it take any sane orc man to notice this and what kind of psycho orc man wouldn’t object to this?

But if I tell that obvious truth about the ongoing program of genocide against my race, the human race, wizards and respectable clerics agree that I am a paladinwhowantstokillsixmillionillhids.

They say they are anti-racist. What they are is anti-human.

Anti-racist is a code word for anti-human.

>> No.23030303


Perhaps they are merely interested in paying recompense for the injustices they have long comitted?

>> No.23030348

>learning magic from the internet
jesus fucking christ. what has the world come to? back when i was still mortal there were tomes. all you needed to cast was in one book, that acted as a conduit while you still (totally) sucked.

>> No.23030411

Hey now, humans are moving around too. People are moving into the elven forests, establishing homes in the astral realms, going literally into "downtown" to enjoy a pint at the Dwarven pubs and so on. And ya know what? They're cool with it. They may not trust us entirely or anything, but they don't drive us out with torches and pitchforks. Besides, everyone is making love instead of war now. I say that's an improvement overall.

>> No.23030482

I would also add that the disappearance of "pure" blooded anything isn't something to mourn if it was the result of billions of individual decisions made freely. If humanity fucks itself into technical "extinction" then it was the path we chose. We were not forced, we allowed it to occur and we would still exist in a sense.

What you describe is not a genocide. You're just a racist that scared of the other races sapping and impurifying your precious bodily fluids!

>> No.23030516
File: 51 KB, 360x532, iH5fdUIprqKfr.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]


Damn man, the way you describe it... I'm really happy for you, really am. Keep fighting the good fight. The foundation of the world are its good people.

I'm still serving my apprenticeship in the wizard U myself, but if you drop by the Broken Staff, and I'm not completely broke, I'll buy both of you a round.

>> No.23030518
File: 44 KB, 383x480, The_jewish_money_lender(Charpentier).jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>thief degree
>500k starting
you jelly wizardfags
enjoy your worthless oversaturated degree lel

>> No.23030519

>implying humans are you ones with blood that is in any way not "dirty"

>> No.23030533
File: 234 KB, 700x774, druideatingcheeseburger.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>Somebody who doesn't know of the Scrypedia and their ample compendium of homebrewed spells

And before you say "Babby 0-level entry-tier cantrips"(which, admittedly, there's some of it there since >open project) I'd like to introduce you to the SEP -The Standford Encyclopedia of Phantasmagoria- which contains thousands of arcane theses and painstakingly detailed instructions to most spells, ranging from the Aberrant Aardvark Summon to the Zip Zop Zoppity Zap. Get on with the times, man.
Humanfront plz go

>> No.23030547

The IIDF is strong in this one. Please go back to le scrolledit.

>> No.23030550

>I'm still serving my apprenticeship in the wizard U
Why not just skip that and become a witch? Wasting your time looking around in books is boring when you could have your dreams come true any time you want to.

>> No.23030577

Duly noted. I don't live near there but if things take us there I'll be sure to take you up on that offer. Always good to have a drink with like minded individuals.

>> No.23030581


Oh, I've considered that, I have. But Wizards have better unions and harbor less political resentment with the holy See. No offence, I respect every Path... well most of them anyway... but this really was not for me.

>> No.23030584

So I'm a warlock and I met this guy at college. I was going there for demonology/devilology double major. He was there for accounting. We hit it off, as friends. We were hanging out with group of friends, and having a small party. I was showing off my cheap party tricks, he was there hammering back drinks. While in middle of summoning he walks up and lays a big kiss with tongue.

I pushed him off and left the party. Well he's been texting and calling me leaving voice messages saying he's sorry. I'm not a homosexual, and frankly this wasn't my first homosexual experience. I don't him I don't swing that way, and broke off the friendship.

He commited suicide not too long after. Yet I don't feel remorse or sadness. I didn't even attend to his funeral and he left me some stuff which I donated or threw away. Does this make me evil?

I never intentionally lead the guy on, and this keeps happening. Minus the suicide part, most the time. Is there a reason for this?

>> No.23030608

Are you sure you're not an amnesiac succubus that got polymorphed into a dude? Cuz that'd explain a lot.

>> No.23030666

I was in a somewhat similar situation. Except I'm gay and always had women hit on me.

Turns out that back when I first answered the called of the wild and started my training as a druid, this one chick I rejected was a witch and cursed me to have pretty much all the women fall in love with me. It wasn't that bad because I spent most of my time in the woods, but man, were those visits to the local village awful. And let's not even talk about the sex life. It's pretty hard to keep a boyfriend when his mother, grandmother and and all four sisters constantly hit on you, you know? But one of the guys I was trying to hit it off was a cleric (don't ask) and he figured it out and removed the curse and I haven't had problems since.

>> No.23030719

Then they can do so out of their own pocket, and not ask that I and other innocent humans join them.

>> No.23030878

i understand and respect the interwebs as a method of communicating knowledge and refining theorycraft in all disciplines, but i take issue here with the haste of the newer generations to discard utility materials in favor of "look at me, im a big fancy wizurd *accidentally subjugate self as ghoul drudge*"

>> No.23030923

Let me tell you kids. Don't trust the elves!
You may say gee mister lich why should you a racist. I'l tell you why I served in the 3de and 5th rub-ears wars. Now I wast a hot shot /k/ombatmage no i was a lowly divination operative.
But man the thing I saw once we broke their rune code. Sickening, revolting, unworthy of being called huminoid and cursed in the eyes of all ggod an most neutral gods.
And now they'r supposed to be our friends? Mordheims greater force finger that!
If it was a sencere friendship with mutual extance I could live with it. But no they bar us from their lands.We'r uncultured slobs, can't speak the languages properly, we stink and so on. But they are allowed to settle in our lands, many of which we had to fight them for in the 2ed ear-rub war (also know as the bow shot claim war)!

And to add insult to injury they are lobbying to have people like me treated as war criminals. They want to see anybody that aided in the production and deployment of the anti-magic bombs erased. Never mind that our research has given us far cheaper power and enchantments saving millions every year.
And the while we have to accept that they let their convicted war criminals live in luxury and opulence as hero's of the people. And I can tell you nobody that used baby's as magic missile practice is a hero.

So I say FAR treatment or NO treatment!

>> No.23031028

you realize thats typically what happens when warlocks advance in studies.

one of the things they don't typically tell you is that warlocks tend to gain a supernatural charm around them, that also tends to make them extremely lucky as well.

i know this because sorcerors have the same damn problems and i've been a sorceror for decades now.

>> No.23031109

and this ladies and gentlemen is why you attend wizard school

>> No.23031130

I could use some help. <.<

I recently adopted a dwarf from a shelter. I was going to get a puppy, it was my sweet 300th birthday (Yes, I'm an elf, and if you have a problem with that, go back to humanfront, zarusfags.) so my parents finally accept that I'm old enough to take care of a pet on my own. But when we got to the shelter I saw the dwarf and was told he was here for years and if no one adopted him by the end of the month they would have put him to sleep.

My parents were a bit hesitant, but I promised I'd clean up after him so they reluctantly agreed to let me keep him. He's taken an instant liking to me (Which is apparently pretty rare because most dwarfs are hostile to elves? Guess I'm special XD), but he keeps digging up holes all over our backyard and brings back lumps of some shiny yellow rock (is that the term? or is it metal? sorry, not really familiar with that sort of stuff -.-) and leaves it scattered all over my bad. He feels pretty proud of that so I don't really want to break his heart by scolding him for it, but I have no use for that and it keeps piling up... T.T

Also, it's pretty hard to get dwarf food in my city, as this beer stuff is pretty expensive, what alternative would you suggest, if there is any?

>> No.23031146

I meant my bed, not my bad, lol :)

>> No.23031169

Rolled 4, 2, 7, 4, 3, 10, 10, 8, 2, 8 = 58

this is why its nice to be a lichbourn (aside from not actually being undead (but thats not all butterflys and sunshine itself, since still not mortal)) i can turn off my Aura of +5 to You Want My Dick in You

>> No.23031237

>Meet nice lass
>Begin to hand out with her
>Fast forward some time
>I get to her place
>Smells like shit there
>She's a lich
>I'm now a lich

Could've gone worse, should could be one of those other freaky undeads.

>> No.23031250

>lol :)
kill yourself faggot

>> No.23031300

How does that even work?

>> No.23031318

The one's I've met are usually quite personable. Elitist yes, but certainly not racist towards humies like me. They're always hitting on my Angel though, but she always turns them down, politely mentioning that she's taken and if they don't take the hint and start fondling her wings or pinching her soft, round behind she walks over to me and I hand them their ass on a platter.

The really racist ones usually stop being so racist once you beat them in a fair fight. They're glass cannons and as a magic user that focused mainly on martial arts I prove to them that it don't matter how much magic you can fling at me if you're getting punched in the face! And with Impact Gloves, one shot to the head and they're out cold

A quick short range teleport and a solid hit later they realize that raw power is nothing before ingenuity and the fatal underestimating of what a "mere human" is capable of.

Racism really starts in the home. Parents told them we're weak, smelly, uncultured slobs. I kick their ass (so much for us being weak) and prove that I can talk culture, philosophy, and other matters of the mind with the best of em' (so much for us being uncultured). They never quit being elitist, but they do quit looking down on humans after that.

>> No.23031324

Go fuck yourself treenigger

>> No.23031336

around vampires never relax

>> No.23031342

A dwarf is no pet elven harlot. They are sentient humanoids like me and regrettably you.
an it is a shame on all the elven nations that you persist in such abhorrent practices as sentient pet keeping also know as slavery.
The dwarf is only expressing its natural urge to seek, hoard and work precious metals.
As for food, dwarfs trive on a diet of raw or lightly cooked meat, whole grains, mountain goat milk, mushrooms and is their beard has started to grow beer. Giving a dwarf beer before his fist beard hair can cause him to bald an even never grow a beard.

So If you are going to keep a sentient as pet at least try to take proper care of it until it is rescued and you are hopefully brought to trail.

>> No.23031357

Tell me about it, at least you didn't have your dick turn purple and drop off from Mummy Rot.

>> No.23031361

elves and orcs, dwarfkind's pox

>> No.23031374

I'll be more than happy to take those yellow rocks off your hands. Where do you live?

>> No.23031380

Your region must have been introduced to necromancy within the last 500 years or so. no self respecting lich either [A] allows the mindless into their living quarters or [B] allows themselves to decay. you should have at least two compendiums of achemy to keep your body a nice, pale gray, clammy, rot-less vessel.

>> No.23031394
File: 1.85 MB, 300x195, watch out badass coming through.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]


>> No.23031396

Also make sure your dwarf is house trained, pee stains they leave are really hard to get off carpeting.

>> No.23031404

Shouldn't you be throwing paint at some poor old ladies just because they wear dwafbeard coats, you PETD weirdo?

>> No.23031427

>dwarf beard coats
>my sides

>> No.23031429

The one guy who gets it.

>> No.23031434
File: 32 KB, 214x257, ALL HAIL THE BURNING HATE.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>> No.23031438

in countries where the peasants no longer flip their shit at the mere thought of undead, necromancy can develop to a point where lichdom is essentially that youre just not alive, as opposed to undead, if you get what i mean.

and as i mentioned in >>23031380, alchemy is a huge fleshsaver (do-ho-ho, so bad)

>> No.23031460

I've seen those around. Never got their appeal, so rough and wiry, I'll stick to wool or synthetic materials. Fur coats are sadly above my pay grade.

>> No.23031477
File: 47 KB, 515x344, wizard's worksho.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Have you seen the cost of regular wands? or a hefty "rustic" tome? It's kinda like with fountain pens; that stuff sure is nice but the decentralization and democratization of the learning process means more people who can't afford these prices. And if you do get them, there's this sort of peer-pressure with the populace that makes you out to either a daddy girl or a tryhard hipster.

You can either get a leather bound, blank tome (to which you have to copy the spells to, sometimes from dusty old books which you have to handle with great care lest you destroy school property), or you an buy a Digital Tablet to which you an load spellNet 2, can fit an entire library on it(sure, an arcane sanctuary on a pocket dimension where you can rest is much better, but the rent is just outta this world) and on top can play Pokemans on it too.

We do have shifted towards more flashy practices, and I feel that has to do with people having to prove a everyday applicability of their degree due to the neo-capitalist world we grew on -the whole idea of studying to become a successful technician-, as well as an over saturation of the local market. No one really wants to go to the Far Lands and get eaten by an off-world horror with no forewarning and absolute destitute pay you know?

I'm sure it's great on your Ivory Towers, researching advanced theses, getting a cadre of eager, expendable disciples. But getting there is hard, man. There's meritocracy and favoritism in absurd levels. And you wizards hold on to your positions like your life depended on it. Sometimes, I swear the only way to get a tenure is to wait for some of you old geezers to die. And with Necromancy and Lichdom that's no sure thing either!

>> No.23031515

Guys.. I uh.. I have a problem.. I'm Bavarian. and I've found myself in the Bavarian state police's border patrol.. Anddd.. we found a castle with lots of occult shit.. and now I feel like some weird demonic angel woman is watching me, I see her out of the corner of my eye, etc.

>> No.23031521

Huh, so everyone's a lich nowadays then?

>> No.23031524

I like you young man if you or you lovely winged damsel are every in or near the High seat for anti-magic research do come visit. Just ask for grumpy bones. But please do make sure to inform whether your female compatriot is dependent on magic, accidents do happen and we once lost a dejin colleague due to that advanced Hasanian camel theory never was the same after that.

>> No.23031533
File: 36 KB, 1140x614, modern fantasy.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>> No.23031543

Shouldn't you be overengineering something to the point a dwarf would have to stand back and go 'Dude, what the fuck.'

>> No.23031545

They're just shitposters. Anyone who say they're a "lich" should just be ignored.

>> No.23031562

I guarantee that one day, some race will come for yours, just because they think they can. Because you're seen as exotic, or cute, or any other reason. Thousands of your people will be enslaved, just to meet their sick whims. In fact, I hear rumours that a certain Orc philosopher and scholar is pushing for such a thing.

Put simply, you start with one race, and then it spirals out from there.

Anyway, on to more happier things. I've finally got together the courage to propose to my dragon girlfriend, and I'm in the process of trying to get a ring. Only problem is that she's kinda got a fancy hoard, and I don't want to end up buying one that ultimately looks like one of the many she already has. Any of you elegen/tg/entlemen have any tips on buying rings for dragons? Or should I go for something a little more unexpected?

>> No.23031586

if you intend to keep a dwarf, you should make sure your home is thoroughly kobold-proofed.

>> No.23031597

What's with the hate you mortals have for corporeal undead?

I'm lucky that as an elven banshee I escape most of it by being incorporeal.

>> No.23031607

>tfw fiance reveals she was a silver dragon this whole time

This is not going to be easy to explain to my parents.

>> No.23031611

Guys, I might have a problem here. Some background info on me:

>be 19, dropped out of college
>joined the Army
>be operating in unnamed third world nation

So we're out on patrol on night, we run across the local pack of werewolves. Their wolf species is Arabian. Well, during a fire fight between us and the enemy portions of the pack, I killed the leader. Now I have them all following me around and doing what I suggest, even if it's something stupid like, 'find me some chocolate milk'.

Army's pissed at me, parents are pissed at me, local tribal leader is pissed at me, and I don't speak the local language very well. Any advice, elegan/tg/entlemen?

>> No.23031621
File: 37 KB, 1140x614, modern fantasy.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Thanks I forgot to add undead

>> No.23031634

You think that's bad? Turns out my boyfriend is German..(I'm a high elf)...Awkward..

>> No.23031642

While it's probably not ethical, have you considered finding out if the Army could make use of your "pack"?

>> No.23031651
File: 38 KB, 497x501, 1312913396001.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>Be normal dinky-ass human
>Live in a neighbourhood full of paranormals
>Have a fetish for this shit

One of these days I won't be able to stand this shit anymore. I shall become the new Descartes.

>> No.23031655
File: 182 KB, 750x574, hellsing_rape_demotivational_by_a7xzahm95-d34uaed.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Just let me put this here...

>> No.23031661

Learn the local language, embrace your new position, may as well make use of it.

>> No.23031680

Being a lich is lame, overused fa/tg/uy power wank fantasy, that's about it. It's barely above good succubus on the creativity scale, and even then it's scraping bottom of the barrel.

>> No.23031684

>immortal undead wizard
>different from lich
I don't know who you are, but I'm guessing you aren't benefiting from get +2 Int, if you get my drift.

>> No.23031699

go ask the /k/ombetmages or /an/imalshapers

>> No.23031703

Where does neutral succubus rank?

>> No.23031723

Ugh, thanks, I guess >.<

Just one thing... what is "meat"?

I talked to my dads and I finally convinced them to turn a corner in our glade into his very own quarry. ^_^ Can't wait it to show it to him, he's going to be so happy.

Oh, and one more thing. He has this "axe" thing he always carries around, and it seems kinda dangerous. I tried to take it away from him but he wouldn't let it go so I kinda just gave up. Should I be worried about that? Are there any chances he might hurt one of our brother trees? I was told some horror stories about "axes" being used to murder trees, but that's just a bedtime story to scare kids, right? My little Ingvar wouldn't do something monstrous like that, right? -.-

>> No.23031730

Probably not ethical. I asked; according to the local religion, were animals aren't to be tolerated. Hence the three-way firefight everybody got caught in.

The bad guys were hunting the pack, we were hunting the bad guys, and the pack was hunting us. On the plus side, though, now we're not losing guys every other night.

Tried. I can't wrap my brain around it. They've got someone that speaks English though, so I've got them trying to learn how to animal husbandry so they don't bother the local goatherders.

>> No.23031746


>not knowing what meat is

Knife-ear faget.

>> No.23031750

You have problems with reading comprehension, right? 'cause in that chart 'immortal', 'undead', and 'wizard' are all separate entries, you know?

>> No.23031754

Guys, I met this nice girl online, but when we met IRL, I found out she was a skeleton.

I really like her, but I hate how some people try to break her bones and stuff, namely paladins and knights.

What should I do to protect her?

>> No.23031755

fuck off already shitposter

>> No.23031775
File: 65 KB, 1140x841, modern fantasy.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Ok you made me realize there are people on /tg/ so stupid they need to be told these things.

>> No.23031795

It might be a good idea to get local treants to move, just for Ingvar's safety. Perhaps you should build a pen on your back yard where he can dig freely?

>> No.23031800


How does the sex work?

>> No.23031830
File: 34 KB, 380x349, varg1.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>Live in bumfuck nowhere with my unspecified paranormal waifu

Well, now what?

>> No.23031837

'I'm into roleplaying women in erotic situations despite being unattractive male' is solid B-.

>> No.23031848


I lay on my back and she jerks me off with either her hand or feet, but not after covering them in KY jelly.

Then she gets on top and begins grinding her pelvis against my cock and I then I get up and blow my load all over her skull.

Of course lately she's been try to talk me into hiring some hooker to fuck me since she thinks her body ain't enough.

>> No.23031849

She doesn't seem to be, at least not totally. Sometimes when we fight a yandere they land a shackling spell on her and that takes her out of the fight for a bit, but any attempts to banish or use anti-magic on her just cause her a lot of pain but no apparent injury. She says it's because she's been here on this plane for so long that its essentially become her "home away from home" and thus can't be truly banished. It's weird, but she's still here and that's all I need to know.

And before you ask, no, no experiments on her apparent resistance to banishing and anti-magic. It's hard not to brutally drop a bitch when I hear her tortured screams. We try not to kill anyone, but when the one you love is in pain well, it gets hard to hold back.

Have the English speaking one teach the others English. Problem solved.

Trees are the ancient enemy of the Dwarves. That axe is for his own safety. Who knows when they'll try to attack him!

>> No.23031851

[response] that what you are sentient meatbag
[query] have you tried teaching it to shout Baruk! Baruk Khazad! Kazad Dammaz!?
[statement] it should solve you problem of locating fresh meat.

>> No.23031861

OP, you done got raped by a vampire.

>> No.23031889
File: 69 KB, 320x1136, 1494.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

1. take refuge in local church
2. ???
3. profit!

>> No.23031907

"was not shitposting", not "were not shitposting"

>> No.23031911


Negative. They don't have the experience with this kind of stuff you guys do.

I considered deliberately losing one of the leadership challenges that have been leveled at me, but when I saw my platoon buddies watching, I couldn't NOT win. So now I'm solidly entrenched as pack leader.

Thanks. Will do. Anything else, like what I should do to ease religious tensions with the non-were locals?

>> No.23031934

Pretty sure, unless my mom, grandparents, dad, step-father, Aunts, and cousins are all in on it. I'm first Warlock in a few generations so I'm not a succubus.

That's nice. You with the cleric now?

I guess. Honestly I don't see the lucky part, I tall a bit over weight and speak with a lisp. I'm also shy and yet I tend to attract homosexuals, zombies, non-humanoid and other marginzed people. I do t call that luck when all I want is the chubby baker's daughter type.


>> No.23031964

Great, so like being an unattractive male doesn't suck enough already, now I'm not allowed to even pretend to be anything better.

Little sexist how you think it's fine for women to do that though, but I guess I should just get used to double standards.

>> No.23031978

don't wary we don't research divine magic, we prefer the purity of the arcane and the trill of removing it from the equation too look at how this world works without it.
I totally understand your potential reaction and we can also meet in town. If somethings goes wrong that can effect us in town being on the astral plane most likely won't help anyway.

>> No.23032008


>> No.23032011

Succubus is always relationship

Can be okay, falls extremely easily into bad posting (but almost never shitposting).

>> No.23032062

So, I figured I'd ask you guys for help.

See, I'm just chilling out the other day when someone knocks on the door. Now I start worrying when all the mirrors start showing a landscape of black mist and multiangled temples and shit like that.

I figure, hey what the fuck, and answer the door anyway. Fucking Old One standing there wearing some poor sucker as a meat suit.

Says that he's my great great great great x10 grandfather and he returned to this plane after some archaeologist broke some seal in some forgotten mountain temple or some shit.

Now he's sitting on my couch trying to catch up on the news. He keeps going on about "spreading his seed" at the all girls school I teach at. I think he's lost most of his power because it's been like a zillion years since he was on Earth.

Anyone got some advice? I think his being back has awakened my lineage- my hair is kind of tentacle-y, and my memos at work keep getting written in some horrible text that explodes interns' heads.

>> No.23032075

>Lich passes through town
>All my ancestors buried here are now nagging at us for how we do things and how things were better.

Fuck liches, man.

>> No.23032108

Well you've gotten used to your double chin so what did you expect, praise and acceptance?

>> No.23032109

Stay where you are. Agents have already been dispatched to your location. Any attempt to leave your current location will be interpreted as an attempt to initiate a K-Class "End of the World" scenario, and will be dealt with accordingly.

>> No.23032113
File: 182 KB, 800x541, 1327592749174.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

..What do high elves have against Germans?

>> No.23032119

>almost always into shitposting

>> No.23032130
File: 115 KB, 664x720, 1359761000934.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Not really sure about that one. Religious tension is pretty hard to get rid of. Just make sure your pack doesn't start eating their livestock and they should tolerate your presence.

He's weak, off him now before he regains his power and turns all the girls into shoggoths through horrible tentacle rape! If you don't I will I will not allow a potential Old One Incursion like what happened a few centuries ago. That nearly fucked everyone over.

>> No.23032131


Are you talking about demons or blacks right now? I got confused somewhere around the point you started talking about the 60s.

>> No.23032137

being a soulless, emotionless abomination sounds fu- oh wait atuism. Carry on then.

>> No.23032176

Liches are such assholes. All the worst teachers at my school of necromancy are liches. Most necromancers are bros, but liches are just stuck-up cunts. I swear, they don't even see us as real people.

And let's not even bring up their constant speeches about the "good old days".

>Back in my days, we didn't even have iron weaponry, let alone your iPads. We armed our skeleton armies with bronze! And we liked it!

Blah blah blah, walked uphill both ways in the snow just to perform a ritual, we get it. I swear, one of these days I'm just going to snap and break into the phylactery room.

>> No.23032187

Germans laugh at high elves for biologically not being able to make scat porn.
High elves claim to be the best at everything.

>> No.23032213

sure is fucking True Blood in here....

>> No.23032222

Actually it's scientifically proven that vampires are just really light sensitive boats.

it's the lack of blood leaves for minor air pockets which makes vampires great surfboards and short distant sailing boats.

>> No.23032232

Your school has a phylactery room? Like, marked and shit?

Christ, how stupid are these teachers of yours? At least tell me it's a dummy door that actually opens onto the Plane of Elemental Fire or something.

>> No.23032234
File: 30 KB, 815x600, fucking gnomestop.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>> No.23032239

There's plenty of posts in this thread that are about various far right views being converted for the purposes of this thread, e.g. >>23030290

>> No.23032240

Glad to see someone is on top of their game. The agents are equipped to deal with the situation right? And they do have a "Kill-On-Sight" standing order correct?

>> No.23032261


Yeah, we've been... 'importing' livestock from the neighboring not so friendly nation. They're pretty pissed about it, claiming we're 'illegally entering and raiding', but what're they gonna do, call us out on it? Thanks for your help. I've set up an appointment with the local religious chief. He SEEMS to be pretty chill, I'm hoping he doesn't fly off the handle at me.

>> No.23032279

Yeah, I've never met a lich that wasn't harping on and on about how superior and mighty they were. Just give it a rest for once, you know?
They're just a bunch of pricks with delusions of elitism.

>> No.23032283

Uhm... I've never met a German into scat, nor has one ever brought it up against me.
It's something to do with the holocaust, I don't know. I would ask my older sister, but she's never come back from poland.

>> No.23032303

>Well you've gotten used to
But I haven't anon, why'd you think I want to roleplay a pretty girl?

>> No.23032319

Hey, that's what you get when you go to community college. It's all the fault of my dumb brother. My parents saved up a fair amount of money to pay so I could go to a nice school, but then my dumb brother had to run off with a fae and her family found out and we had to waste all that money on sacrifices just to save his sorry behind.

>> No.23032327

>far right
I'll never get used to political labels having been so misused to have become useless.

>> No.23032358

I am not at liberty to discuss specifics of the disposition or orders of agency personnel. Suffice it to say that unless an announcement to the contrary is issued, the situation is under control.

>> No.23032426

'holocaust' is just an euphemism for German scat porn mania.

>> No.23032456

Curses and taints, fears and worries.

Remember friends, The Lady forgives. There is no soul so stained that it cannot be washed clean with devotion and hard work.

Visit your local chapterhouse today!
>if door locked, ring bell
>please don't try breaking in.

>> No.23032504

Good. I got nothing against intelligent shoggoths, hell I used to date one, but the intelligent ones are rare and getting turned into one against your will is pretty much the worst thing that could happen to a girl.

>> No.23032529

So get this: I was just chillin' at home listening to some tunes, when all of a sudden a bunch of meathead commandos burst in and start spraying bullets and spells everywhere. They even had a golem or a robot or something trashing up the place! And then these fuckers just shoot me in the head, no questions or warning or anything! So now I'm dead and my place is fucking trashed, and my doc tells me he won't have resurrection services available until the next Saturday. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this country?

Also, my next door neighbor seems to have some kind of eldritch abomination visiting him. If he's going to cause property value drop with his cultist shenanigans, I swear to god I'm going to break his ass.

>> No.23032619

Alright a couple of questions for you lot
>1. Do cat girls have mind control powers and if so how to neutralize them
>2.What constitutes self defense and non-lethal
>3.Is there such a thing as too much rock salt.
You can ignore the last one but the first two will be extremely handy

>> No.23032664

That's very helpful! -.-
Oh, didn't know that... guess I'll talk to Lyllilliyli and Tiylliylil about it. Hopefully they'll understand. >.>
Excuse me? O.o

Oh, and one more question! I knitted Ingvar a traditional elven leaf dress, but he doesn't seem to enthusiastic about it. And the clothes I got him with are kinda stinky and smell. Will it hurt his natural immunities if I try to bathe him and replace his clothes, or something? I heard some pets have issues like that. My human pen friend is a witch and her cat freaked out when she tried to bathe him. Are dwarves afraid of water?

>> No.23032676

1. It's not a trait of the species, unless you're especially sensitive to certain pheromones.

2. Depends on the level of threat that you're dealing with.

3. Not really.

>> No.23032679

Neuter your cat girl like a responsible owner, it'll solve the problems you're having too.

>> No.23032689

Sorry man, when it comes to "Old One" class eldritch abominations you can't afford to fuck around. They gotta go. If ya can't beat em', ya seal em' as hard as you can and hope that when that seal gets broken said meathead commandos are there to finish it off in its weakened state.

I mean honestly, he was going to either turn all your students into shoggoths or force them to bear unspeakable horrors as he raped them over and over again! I'm with the agency on this one, they made the right call.

>1. Do cat girls have mind control powers and if so how to neutralize them
Not really. If they know magic then they have access to the same charms and whatnot any magic user has. Concentration and a warding amulet do a good job of negating that.

>2.What constitutes self defense and non-lethal
That one ought to be self explanatory

>3.Is there such a thing as too much rock salt?
No, there is not. Get more, useful spell component and great for making warding circles.

>> No.23032726

Meat's what animals and such are made of. it also grows in some plants in Bavaria.. along with cheese and beer steins.. Fucking bavarian mages.

But anyway. I have a bit of a problem.. a frenchman is coming after me over my great great great grandfather's debt and he's nothing but a skeleton. what should I do? Smash his bones to powder? I can do that. I'm a ork

>> No.23032734

So they're just being white knights. Oh thank god. And the level of threat ranges from insults to idiots with sticks
The shotgun load not the ward though it is useful. He forced me to add that question. I'm trying to get him to use rubber rounds but he keeps going back to it.

>> No.23032740

Dwarves are allergic to water, that's why they only drink alcohol.

They also prefer to fashion their own clothing, usually made from cat skins are pieces of metal stuck together with saliva.

>> No.23032924

Goddammit I'm going to sue someone for this, I'm going to go straight Rodneylf King on their asses. It's police brutality, that's what's it plain and simple.

>> No.23032950

>White Knights
>Shotgun loads.
I have a bad feeling about this scoob

>> No.23032996
File: 216 KB, 1024x768, DG Lifestyle.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Good luck suing what doesn't officially exist.

>> No.23033012

Yo, any other half-fiends in here?

My dad is REALLY high up the infernal chain, and he seriously wants me to, you know, kinda follow in his footsteps and get into politics. How the fuck do I tell him that I've been pretty much building up towards studying medicine for the last few years of my education? It's never really come up before when we've talked - he generally just used to drop little lines about me being owed a seat of power as his son and shit. But now that I've already sent all my applications away, he's suddenly getting all explicit about how he expects me to be Prime Minister or something.

>> No.23033018

It's not that bad. My cousin just choked out a Catperson and now we're being hassled by the local dateless fucks. I feel betrayed really we dateless fucks should stick together.

>> No.23033028

Tell him.

>> No.23033035

Get Ingvar access to grounds rich in iron ore and coal and he will see to his own clothing needs.
And yes dwarves are allergic to water and greenery. The smell is natural, normally working in or near the forges coats the dwarves in a fine layer of coal dust that blocks the smell.

>> No.23033048

Yeah uh.. I think you mean someone else. I'm the schoolmarm with the fucking Old God of Too Many Apostrophes or something sitting on my couch. You might mean my neighbor, it sounded like a fucking John Woo film in there a little while ago.

I looked outside, but I think my condo has become unchartable. The pizza guy showed up, got within 10 feet of the door and then started foaming at the mouth before staggering back to the car. Great, I'm gonna lose my fucking condo because grandad has made it have 180 degree right angles and shit.

I'm trying to cover my tentacle hair with a scarf. Scarves are in this year, right?

Sorry man. You're down the hall, right? I'd come pick up your corpse or try to mop your brains up or something, but I'm afraid if I leave Grandad will run off and go Urotsukidoji on the school. I'd just like to point out that I am in no way liable for Grandad nor for any non-existent Operator Kill Teams.

>> No.23033055

Jerry Springer will make them listen to me!

>> No.23033171

How is that not bad.

>> No.23033263


>> No.23033337

Yeah, I know I've gotta tell him eventually.

I just want to do it in the way that will guarantee minimum splash damage. What if he just pulls all support? I can stroll my way into scholarships with ease, but what if he stops paying for my mum's medicine? That stuff is rare and expensive.

>> No.23033371

Kill him, take the money and pay for it yourself or threaten to do horrible things to him if he tries it. You can still be a doctor with a degree from Africa after all.

>> No.23033378

If he wants to cut his losses, he can come over for pizza when he comes back to life. Grandad says that my condo can now be accessed only by stepping through an inverted mirror while holding the Black Prism of Carnash.
I'm gonna see if I can get him to just make it so we don't get kill squads coming in here.

Also, I'm gonna tell the staff at school that I got hexed by a witch, and that's why I've got tenta-locks. I think my eyes are kinda octopus-y right now. Skin kinda clammy and pale.

Grandad says that if I help him set up shrines around town then he won't spread his seed at school. There goes my day off...

>> No.23033408

Hah! Good luck. It's an open secret that Jerry's a demon. Not sure what kind, but it's clear enough he feeds on rage and ignorance. Not the kind to take up charity cases, you know?

>> No.23033438

>Spread his seed at school
>Not having weaponry capable of getting rid of such creatures

>> No.23033464

I'm not going to kill my dad. He's my dad. And I'm nowhere near that powerful yet. I'd need to wade through four hundred legions to get to him, and then I'd have to pull the goddamn Crown of Morning from his head.

Some of my older, 'pureblood demon' brothers have tried that shit, and it did not work out well for them. Astaroth is still stuck in some shitty dead-end netherealm position today, and he tried it on over ten thousand years ago.

>> No.23033480

And she's your mum. If he tries that cheat like a motherfucker. You're half human right? Start thinking like one if it comes to that.

>> No.23033483
File: 81 KB, 801x600, Ryoko Tanbo.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

I see. Well then, I simply cannot allow this to stand. Where DG failed, I and my posse will not.

I'm pretty resistant to non-euclidean geometry and so is my Angel and my doctor, pic related. She probably has that prisim somewhere in her library, big into keeping the Old Ones at bay ya see. Doctor money plus her pay from slaying shenanigans are used to purchase artifacts of eldritch origin. And I have friends with an expansive firearms collection and a Terminator unit that owes me a favor.

I'm sorry, but for the sake of the world, your grandfather has to die. We can't risk an Old One Incursion. See ya soon.

>> No.23033530


>> No.23033560

>tfw dating this human cutie for a year and we finally go to sleep together (yeah im such a slut going that fast, shut up, it's the fourth age, get on with the times)
>tfw all this time he thought i was a girl and freaks out when i get naked
>tfw breaks up with me
"high elves have it so easy", they say ;_;

>> No.23033600

>Crown of Morning
>Astaroth failing

Yeahh.. you're fucked mate. I'd recommend trying to explain to him that being Daddy's little executive is nothing but cheap ass nepotism and that you wanna make it on your own merit first. You're immortal, right? You've got plenty of time for law school or polysci or whatever.

You might wanna hurry. My toes are kinda tentacle-y now. I honestly don't think you can take out Grandad, but please try not to shoot me when you come. I'll be drinking in the bathroom, please wipe your feet when you come in.

>> No.23033659
File: 54 KB, 300x224, TomeofEternalDarkness.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

We're already on the way. We're taking this bad boy with us. She says it's from the only Old One class entity that can even be considered remotely "good". Spells from it take a bit to cast but god DAMN do they fuck up Eldritch Horrors! I can manage 7 point, and she claims to have an artifact that'll enable her to fire off a nine point circle spell. Says at that level you can fuck pretty much anything over. If grandaddy doesn't die, he's at least getting put back in his cage.

>> No.23033704

So my mom is a bit crazy. She got me this cat-girl for Xmas. She wants grandkids even if they are monstergirls. The cat girl is really cute and all, but I'm not attracted to her.

I told my mom that I'm not going to shag a catgirl just because she wants grandbabies. Now she's been hooking me up with all sorts of blind dates.

I told her about the deceased friend now she thinks I'm a closet homosexual. She even try hook me up with several guys, before I told her I'm not gay and have a girlfriend.

I don't have a girlfriend, but should I pass off my Succubus slave as one? I enslaved her recently, used that catgirl that I got for Xmas as a sacerfice to bind the demon. It was for a project, we were suppose to destroy them afterwords. However I kept mine and use her to get bit extra cash.

My mom is a Sorceress and a nut job. What should I do?

>> No.23033713

Yeah, I'm pretty much immortal.

That sounds viable. He might even find that endearing, maybe.

I guess this is the sort of thing I want to do in person. Looks like I've got some fatass travel plans to make.

>> No.23033727

>sacrificing your pets
man, I'm not even a catgirl lover, but that's pretty fucked up

>> No.23033731

Banish her to a different plane. Kids these days the only ones with spine are the Xenophobes.

>> No.23033748

Why didn't you like the catgirl? I mean, they look pretty human, couldn't you have put a blindfold on or something?

>> No.23033856

It's probably something like debt collection.

>> No.23033933

Them mortals never want to live up to their end of the bargain. It's right there in the contract, the demons get "Your Immortal Soul". law requires it be in big, bold print. It's not hidden, and they sign it anyway. We give them what they want, but they never want to pay up when the time comes. I tell ya, being in the Faustian business ain't easy.

>> No.23033936

good news i foud out that the bathroom is like a time hole dilation virtex or something. have like 20 tentacles insteaeg of legs now also reawLZIED that tentacle means ypu can hpold like 10 drinks at onces. time wimey voretdx mezns that i got drunk for like 3 houser andq like 5 minutes had poassed out here.

watchig event hirozobn with grandsad. he t3bnninks its a comedy

brinfg me back something to drink geekboy

>> No.23034182
File: 643 KB, 1226x1128, EternalDarknessMagicCircle.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]


A good movie, a pitty you'll be in the crossfire. Everyone's weapons are 7 point Mantorok enchanted and we're shielded. Also, I convinced my lovely angel that I'm fine with her going all out, meaning entering eldritch abomination mode herself. Told I used to date a Shoggoth and that I'd love her no matter what she "really" looked like. She accepted my proposal too, might not come back from this, gotta tell her how I feel. Now I can die happy if I do so, but I think I we got this.

So lets see, 1 T-X, 4 Militia members, 1 Angel, 1 Doctor who knows her fucking shit and loaded with artifacts, and me as the Bruce Lee motherfucker, all with the best armor and weapons on the market. Time to say goodnight grandpa. Hope you like a 9 rune Sealing spell powered by the warden of the ancients!

>> No.23034246

Gimme like 30 minutes, I have to drive home. I'll see if I can run through that with you. Prepare to roll for SOOO much sanity loss. I'm just glad I got to write a cute monster girl story into.

>> No.23034337

Pfff, using the power of either Mantorok of Xel'lotath one can restore sanity. So I'm not worried. The Doctor really thought ahead on this one and my posse is badass. And I have broken 9 rune spell to fire off once we're in range. She said that it's never failed and if this thing is in a weakened state there's no chance in hell it won't work.

>> No.23034745

I'll be honest with you, I've never RPed anything before, and I don't think I can do this justice. I posted because I don't want to leave you hanging, but I also don't know how to deal with a heavily armed murder squad beyond Blast Sanity and call it a day.

I had fun though. I'm over here writing a black comedy, and I've got one guy coming in with the fucking SCP Foundation, and I've got you with some sort of Lovecraftian A-Team.

Fucking love it.

>> No.23035075
File: 75 KB, 475x1000, Fei.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

I know, didn't expect to get a story out of this anyway. I can imagine how it'd go in my head though.

>4 millitia members were DG "friendlies" who've been through a tetrascape and what amounts to a necromorph infestation, they swear by magitek stasis modules, Force Guns, and Contact Beams.
>Angel was from the higher circles, hardcore broad she is. Was pretty but not the usual drop dead gorgeous because it took a great deal of her power to look human. Like Arcuied not going berserk.
>Doctor was pretty much Dr. Tanbo. Was destined to hold the tome because Mantorok plots like that. We're doing what he would have sent his guardians to do. He has a soft spot for humanity remember, he doesn't want the world to descend into the madness of eternal darkness an Old One could plunge us into
>T-X helped because I saved it from termination at risk to myself. Logic dictates it return the favor somehow to ensure others are encouraged to do likewise. Preferred melee over ranged. Doesn't go crazy in the normal sense, it's an AI. If something doesn't compute, she just doesn't compute it.
>I used reinforcement magecraft and other relatively simple spells and a few of the Doctor's artifacts to gain access Fei's moveset along with a mastery of short range teleportation and Jeet Kune Do.

Yes, this is incredibly overpowered and loaded with cheese. But to stand a chance against an Old One, ya gotta be like that.

>> No.23036319

I got a good slave out of it and got B+, Succubi are commonly summoned.

Why would I do that to my own mother?

The catgirl was cute, and I did use it in a sexual manner before killing it. Honestly there was no passion, it just felt like slightly better masturbation. I did cut her heart out pretty fast, so she felt minimum pain.

Practiced on some zombie friends using a tennis ball. The trick is to cut below the ribcage, reach in and yank. If you do it right it still beats for a few.

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