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22439445 No.22439445 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

ITT: The moment you nope'd
>Party finds want ad for adventurers deep in a nearby forest
>Forest is known for ungodly sounding moaning heard echoing through the trees
>almost ready to nope
>Make it to the center of the woodlands and encounter a female naked Halfling druid who claims to be the one who posted the job notice and calls herself "the spirit of the forest"
>About to nope
>Casually ask why this place is known for the trees monaing
"Well, there are these plants that are shaped like cocks and-"

>> No.22439478
File: 141 KB, 851x405, grab the thesaurus.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Pic related.

>> No.22439545

>Go to ruined city in the middle of a desert
>Okay, more like teleported but whatever
>Go inside, meet an old man and see his shop of magical items
>Browse the shop while warrior friend looks for a new sword
>Finds a sword made of bone and "buys" it
>Sword immediately splinters and embeds itself into the warrior's arm
>Nope'd the fuck out

Or I would have if we weren't supposed to buy something before being teleported back to the maze we were in. Decided to play it safe and "buy" a vial of water.

>> No.22439820

>New guy at the table
>Experienced with 3.5, no need to do anything for him
>Rolls up a half-orc...
"Oh good, we needed a tank"
"ooookay, maybe he likes to challenge himself"
>Low intelligence, low wisdom, low charisma
>Apparently was the village foole who dabbled in magic
>First dungeon dive, finds a chest with a vial of potion
Player - "I'ma drink it"
Anon - "What? Why? Don't you wanna identify it?"
>Half-orc sorcerer stares at the vial for a few seconds
Player - "I identify it as, blue-swirly potion. I'ma drink it."

>> No.22439895
File: 13 KB, 480x323, i_see.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]


>> No.22440432

I don't know what you're nope-ing about. That guy sounds awesome.

>> No.22440448



>> No.22440459

>Party leaves town at the start of a new session, goes out to find adventurer things to do.
>White mist surrounds the party. Ooooh, Ravenloft?
>Come out in a sunny plain. There's a village ahead.
>Village is full of short midgets who come up and act all cheerful and start trying to pick our pockets.
>"Bob, are those...kender?"
>"They're RAVENLOFT Kender!"


>> No.22440488

The best kind of wizard.

>> No.22440707


I thought they all got turned into vampires

>> No.22440734
File: 263 KB, 960x720, dongtree.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>"Well, there are these plants that are shaped like cocks and-"


>> No.22440847

Why would you nope? That sounds like an epic symbiotic weapon right there.

>> No.22440857

Sounds like fun

>> No.22440986

You just seem to be a stubborn stacy and this guy sounds interesting.

>> No.22441017

I'd play with him.

>> No.22441050
File: 8 KB, 250x250, 1352990883954.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Welp, that is enough internet for me for one day.

>> No.22441067

/tg/ can be awfully contrarian when it wants to be. That guy sounded like a dork and I hope you left his character in a ditch.

>> No.22441151


>> No.22441192

Those look like they're covered in spines and would be terribly painful.
Poor druid girl.

>> No.22441228
File: 39 KB, 97x126, 1318226811146.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>Figure out DM is gay
>His house smells like piss and dried cum
Almost nope'd
>The dice he provides smell like feces
Almost nope'd
>Game goes nicely for about 2 hours
>Suddenly penis snakes, penis snakes everywhere
Almost nope'd
>Massive amounts of character rape, it's like CoC up in there.
About to nope, my (gay) friend didn't wanna leave
>My male paladin is somehow changed into a female mage.
He did this on purpose to lower my char's STR
>Character is raped, character is pregnant
Nope'd out, I phsically dragged my friend from his chair and pulled him out of the house.

>> No.22441262

Maybe she's a masochist.

>> No.22441276

The DM's game room also smelled like cat, but I bet there was no cat.

>> No.22441300

I would have left at penis snakes

>> No.22441312

Fucking loled at dice smelled like feces

>> No.22441313


>> No.22441317

god i used to know a guy like this DM. his room always smelt like anus and cum. ALWAYS.

do they not notice? oh well, this is why i always use my own dice

>> No.22441324

Aren't you that guy with 12 BOYZ?!

>> No.22441330


>> No.22441339

13 Boyz

>> No.22441343

Stories make me glad that other people's dice hate me. Put me in the habit of always using my own.

>> No.22441363

You have a neckbeard This Guy at the table who's roleplay is hilarious. How dare you nope.

>> No.22441384

Why would he smell the dice though?

>> No.22441401

I have a few other stories about that DM because one of my close friends decided he "liked" the guys "Form" of roleplay. Pretty sure it just turned him on.

>> No.22441407

sometimes you only have to look at the DM or his room/apartment to realise that the dice have probably been in his anus

>> No.22441410

It was my fingers that smlled afterwards, I got curious and check the dice otu after that.

>> No.22441420

Thats just too fucking hilarious.

>> No.22441423

Jesus, my spelling is terrible.
Sorry guys.

>> No.22441451

I understand your reaction to everything but the beginning.

Why, in general, would you care that the DM is gay?

>> No.22441470
File: 42 KB, 1496x1016, ohgod.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Maybe its a new form of rolling dice?

>> No.22441515

Not the guy you are asking, but DICE IN ANUS. More common in gays I think.

>> No.22441527

Yeah. I understood everything but the first two lines.

I'd be more than a little weirded out if someone handed me his ass-dice too.

>> No.22441538

Im so glad I only play 40k.

>> No.22441547

Ive had a few similar experiences with gay DM's in general. I knwo they don't represent the majority but my area just seems to attract freaks.
Later incidents with this guy showed me,
>Mold on everything in his bathroom
>Months old food sitting out in the kitchen
>A literal bucket he cums in that he keeps on his bookshelf.
>Mold on his walls
> Holes in his walls
He makes pretty good money where he works, I don't know why he lives like he does.
The dude is like skeletal thin and greasy too.

>> No.22441558

I need one of these trees, NOW. For reasons.

>> No.22441578


>> No.22441580

>discussing with a player pre-game how one could adapt any race to be playable with proper adjustments
>start getting on the topic of level 30 caterpillars
>he decided he wants to be a level 20 potted plant

>> No.22441586

Why in EARTH will you do such a thing?

>> No.22441588

Put them in your yard just to fuck with people
I want to see that on the news
I can see it on fox news right now

>> No.22441594

What if they stole your spacemen and put them in their butt?

>> No.22441602

>level 20 potted plant
That sounds glorious

>> No.22441611

What.... I don't even....

>> No.22441618

I would cry. Becuase I spent days painting them with love and care. Then I would flip out, and shove the scenery up his ass. Then I would go catatonic and then die.

>> No.22441645

Anal sex is practiced by a minority of gays.

>> No.22441649

Am I the only one who thinks this guy is being LOL SO RANDUM XD?


I don't know, maybe it's just me. I've had far too many TPK's because of player stupidity.

>fighting orcs in 3.5, kill da boss
>turns out he has a basilisk(!) for a pet(!)
>it's chained to a wall and there's a curtain separating us so no worries about its gaze attack just yet
>wat do?
>I know! It's chained to the wall so let's just toss something over its face and curb stomp it.
Tardo the Amazing Fuckup then gets that glint in his eye like he's about to do something he thinks is clever. It never is.

"How about we just use this curtain? Hurr."
>tears down the curtain
>the one that was keeping us all from having to make saves
>half the party is now statues

No, that wasn't funny. No, he didn't even offer to help pay to have us turned back into meat; we had to use cash from our personal funds (one player even had to hawk a magic item, I think).

>> No.22441658

>You are now thinking about a IG player inserting fistfuls of dice into his ass and then releasing them onto the table for his roll.
>The dice are covered in feces and hairs and knock over a few of your minis.
>They all are high rolls.

>> No.22441676

I let him do it, but not the level 20 part. I actually wrote up a race called the Dendric for him to use. Will elaborate if requested.

>> No.22441679

This is a joke. I have never gone out with a gay guy who wasn't down to take part in anal sex in some respect (as bottom or top). And now that I've transitioned I find it's quite common among lesbians, too.

>> No.22441683

Why I can see that as being on interpretation of these events, the fact that the Orc Wizard was a supposed D&D veteran, and the general way the story is written, makes me think he was just playing a lovable oaf, not a That Guy. I doubt he would pull this kind of crap if it was likely to cause a TPK.

>> No.22441685

>I would cry. Becuase I spent days painting them with love and care. Then I would flip out, and shove the scenery up his ass. Then I would go catatonic and then die.

>> No.22441693

Oh sweet jesus, why? WHY?
That being said, i'm an IG player and this sounds hilarious.....

>> No.22441699

elaborate, this is sounding interesting.

>> No.22441710

>>The dice he provides smell like feces
>Almost nope'd

Suppose he shoved those up his ass?

>> No.22441713

What's to elaborate? Fags of all genders are more open to anal love than straighty straights.

>> No.22441737

I guess he literaly does, cum buckets WAAAAA
*sunglasses on*

>> No.22441750

But lesbians? I mean, woman don't have prostate to make it feel good.

>> No.22441759

It's close enough to the Vag to stimulate it.

>> No.22441774


I want to play a potted plant now.

>> No.22441779

Thread derailed

>> No.22441788

Lesbians have really sensually diverse sex play. I'm sure it doesn't feel for them quite like it does for us prostate-havers, but some of them like it.

>> No.22441793

But does it stimulate it enough to be better than actual vaginal penetration? Otherwise, why would lesbians do it?

>> No.22441804

>implying my wife doesn't crave anal sex constantly

>> No.22441810

Variety is the spice of life.

I don't want to have my favorite food for every meal, do you?

>> No.22441827

I rarely penetrate my lesbian partners, analingus or rubbing with the fingers is more common. Sometimes when we get really nasty they'll want to be double penetrated, even. Like I said. Diversity.

>> No.22441833
File: 83 KB, 500x500, Planty_the_Potted_Plant.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>This is how I epic level Potted Plant

>> No.22441853

I think I laughed a little too hard at this post. It might be the George Carlin stand-up in the background, idk.

>> No.22441859

>>22441699 Assuming you mean to quote the plant thing.
It was the dream of an outcast sect of druids to animate plants without the use of magic, or at least the kind of magic you and I are familiar with. Those druids were a constant menace to the nearby fief to the point where when the angry mob inevitably showed up, they found no druids. Since then, an increasingly growing area has been prone to sightings of moving plants. They are incredibly wary of animals, but the very few that have co-operated with scholars seem to be incredibly intelligent, particularly with languages (although they only communicate with us via magic writing). "All animal language sounds the same" one said. The question of their "plant language" is very much into question, in their words they cannot describe it in our very pitiful vocabulary. All we know is that it's nonverbal, it's nonwritten, and according to them it's none of that hivemind nonsense.

>> No.22441864

No, and I get what you're saying, but this is different.

With food, you get different tastes. Mexican is different from Continental, which is different from Italian, which is different from Chinese, ect...

But the anon's statement was that it stimulated the vagina itself, but I think it'd just be easier to go straight for the pussy.

Hmm, I see.
Also, are they still lesbians if they have sex with, I'm assuming, a dude? They're at the most bi, I think.

>> No.22441868

>The secret organization you are investigating is made up of high level wizards and you are level 4
>They strip your female party members naked and throw them unconcious into a tavern before leaving

Still have no clue where the DM was going with this.

>> No.22441890

But on one hand, one tastes like ass, another tastes like vagina, completely different tastes.

>> No.22441898

Trans woman. Some of the women I've dated has IDed as lesbians, but most are bi or pan.

>> No.22441915
File: 65 KB, 720x540, 106.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Ohh, learning is fun.

>> No.22441926

My wife seems to enjoy it.

Think of it as having two peneses (penii?) but one feels better than the other. You would still want to use the other one occasionally.

>> No.22441928

>Playing changeling
>Make a muslim draconic fairest taken from the Indian courts before the arrival of the British.
>DM wants us to RP our durance as solo sessions.
>One guys wizened gets to do menial chores and act as a servant in what was apparently a really fun romp, based on his characters backstory.
>Excited for my session.
>I lose a duel to a stranger who challenged me at court when she all but slices off my head. (Screw historical accuracy)
>Suddenly 72 of this stranger awaits for me in a wondrous hall of silk and pillows.
>Storytellers goes into graphic detailed descriptions of sex and physical transformation.

I almost noped out of the game.

>> No.22441938

With two dicks I could still use both at the same time.

>> No.22441951


And that is why my wife has two vibrators, one for whichever hole I am not in at the time.

>> No.22441988

Obviously meant ST:
I am too tired.

Not that anyone cares, thread is too derailed.

>> No.22442030

Nothing grotesque or anything, just....stupid story bullshit.

Like the DM telling us he was running a Forgotten Realms game (disregarding that half of the players don't know their ass from Forgotten Realms), which just turned out to be his shitty "All But The Name" Skyrim.

>> No.22442035


>> No.22442055

>question is in question
please disregard me
Those precious few Dendric contacts are often found in universities, where they excel at language arts. There are jokes about politician's speeches being written by their ferns. While they're rarely identified, occasionally after an increased number of sightings the town will become a forest overnight, its occupants nowhere to be found.
Our informants tell us most Dendrics are quite fanatic about their servitude to an enormous tree, which we haven't really been able to discern if it's metaphorical or not. This dedication makes them very anti-animal, denouncing them as takers of life. While not magical in nature, it's a very common persuit among them due to their lack of physical prowess. Our dendric sorcerer almost acts like an item sometimes, our rogue sprinting through the dungeon holding it aloft as it sprays magic at everything. It's high charisma has also gotten us into some interesting problem-solves.

>> No.22442059

Sounds like a mystery.

of the druids

>> No.22442063

he seemed not to be LOL SO RANDUM as playing the interesting character of a wannabe, idiot wizard. he was playing the character quite well from your account.

>> No.22442083
File: 38 KB, 300x425, My brian is full of moors.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>new GM
Alarmbells 2 and 17 are sounding. Status: Still interested
>Friend has played with her a few times before, says she's alright.
>know her indirectly, seems alright.
>Alarm Bell 17 has fallen silent. Status: Green.
>PCs are all convicts (some of them unjustly,) given horrific godawful certain death quest.
>Alarm Bell 8 is sounding on and off. Disregarding.
>Alright, can work with this.
>The player's bosses are all GM's prior characters from different games, several of them transplanted into this homebrew fantasy setting.
Alarm Bells 3, 4, 8-13, and 19 are sounding! Alert, alert!
>Boss NPCs are all unstatted and effectively invincible.
Cap'n, we got red across th' board, she cannae tak' much mar!
>Boss NPCs are all on our side, of course, and allegedly want to help the PCs who are unjustly imprisoned, but for some reason, never do.
>Poke us along on very clear and non-negotiable rails.
We're critical, cap'n! All hands! Abandon game!

>> No.22442102

I hope they're color-coded or something so they dont get switched up.

>> No.22442127

one of our feats involved sneaking into a guildmaster's office and swapping out his potted plant with ours. It was so charismatic its very presence was enough to express its points and convince the guy to our side. The debate looked like an old guy pacing the room and occasionally nervously glancing at his plant.

>> No.22442212
File: 13 KB, 257x164, dear.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

For some reason I imagine something like this going on.

>> No.22442497

No stats?

>> No.22442538

Use something that sterilizes well, like silicone, and this isn't a problem.

>> No.22442565

>ITT: The moment you nope'd
> Anal sex chat
/tg/. How do you even

>> No.22442602

our RPG isn't very numberish. Use your imagination.

>> No.22442617


If you're using proper sterilization techniques yes. But silicone, like most other fleshlikes, can also develop microtearing long before such tears are visible.

>> No.22442622

You must be new here if you don't understand how powerful the derail force is.

>> No.22442831

Welp, now you must deliver.

>> No.22446342


>> No.22450494

You have a point. I guess I'm just being oversensitive.

Hmm, not sure if this is a That Guy story, or just a tale of an idiot but here goes.

We were playing in Forgotten Realms and Derp is playing a Harper (basically meddlers and general foils to the various BBEG's). We'd just sacked and conquered the city of Hillsfar, liberating it from its human supremacist ruler, and we were looking to restore the economy.

Rumor has it there's drow in them there woods over yonder, so we figure that they'd be eager to have someone willing to trade with them rather than stab them in the face. We just have to find them.

We head to some town or other inside the forest. Elves will probably know the general location of the drow, so we'll pose as mercenaries.

Derp, the Harper, is playing an elf so we let him speak for us when we go talk to the elven bigwig. Why we thought this could end in anything other than disaster is beyond me.

The conversation goes something like this.

Derp: Ohai we heard you gaise have problems with drow. :D

Elf: Yes, the monsters have been attacking our settlements more and more often of late. They strike without warning or mercy, butchering our kind and then retreating like the cowards they are.

>> No.22450501


Derp: Oh noes. Well we're actually looking for them.

The elf looks a little hopeful. Surely we are sellswords looking to rid the world of the foul darkness that plagues his kin.

Elf: Ah, wonderful. Why exactly are you looking for them?

It's a jest, of course. Why else would we be looking for drow.

Derp: We wanna reade with em! :D

The elf deadpans.

Elf: Get out. No, not out of the room, get out of this town. Now.

>> No.22450688

>And that is why my wife has two vibrators, one for whichever hole I am not in at the time.

I love this post.

>> No.22450825

Are you in America?
Because if so i'm getting on a plane now,
Beers are on me.

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