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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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[ERROR] No.21814423 [DELETED]  [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

Do any of you have any experience with dating Mermaids?

This friendly one has been popping up on the beach near my house recently. She says she's not into singing songs and drowning people and that she's not going to eat me, but I'm kind of suspicious.

She seems like a nice girl though.

>> No.21814483

Step #1: Confirm that it's a "she."

Have you done that?

>> No.21814500

Oh, why not? They're pretty flighty to begin with, so worst case scenario? An awkward date and she promptly loses interest in you.

Just remember to politely decline if she offers to grant you the ability to breathe water and show you her place. They have a habit of forgetting.

>> No.21814508


Yeah , i do have some. Ask me questions.
Hope you have a lake nearby your place, though.

>> No.21814594

Be careful my friend this seems fishy, she might just be messing with you for the halibut. Buoys and gills were meant to be but, bouys and mermaids are dolphinitely an odd combination and you should be suspicious now that she's taking an interest in you. This is a seariously something weird. I'm not squidding, she might krill you.

But don't let me make you trench my friend! I've been herring goods things about mermaid-human relations recently (however rare they may be). This might be a good impor-tuna-ity You should trout your heart in this matter. If you're searious about this, you need to man(atee) up and go to her. If you believe in yourself, you'll have a whale of a time and your time with her will be brill-liant.

Let minnow how it turns out!

>> No.21814601


Step #2: Confirm she is a Mermaid and not a Melusine.

Sure, the coffee is good, but not worth the obsessive clinginess.

>> No.21814611



>> No.21814654


I know, right? That dude's just floundering around

>> No.21814663

Oh god

I'm sorry

That was stupid of me


>> No.21814684

I see we have a bugler fan in the audience tonight

I've seen you post a few times before. I think you're just great.


>> No.21815058

I'm actually married to a Mermaid. She helps me fish by travelling alongside the boat and spotting stuff for me.

I met her after she cut all my fishing nets as a prank, but she didn't expect me to jump in after her. A few minutes later I carried her out of the ocean, sat her on a rock, and gave her a very long, boring lecture about the economy and about how fishermen make a living. Then she tried to bite my ankles.

After another fight that ended up with us both rolling into a ditch in the sand, She noticed my muscles and got all embarassed and started throwing sand at me. I threw sand back at her and some of it went up her nose. She had to snort it out, and I gave her my handkerchief. At that point I noticed how pretty she was. So I took off my shirt and she couldn't help but stare at my body.

Finally she started talking and told that I was taking too many fish from the sea and didn't know which fish were the best. I calmly talked about fishing practices with her for a few hours and eventually we made a deal: She'd help me find more ecologically viable sources of fish in exchange for me letting her have a warm bath in my house. Apparently Mermaids covet hot water.

>> No.21815094


So I carried her inside, tail flopping everywhere, and put her in the tub, explained the water taps, and left her alone. Then a few minutes later she called out in a panicked manner and I came running back in to find her naked and reaching for the soap which had fallen under the tub. So then she looked up and I saw her huge breasts and she understandably got all upset. I said to her that she shouldn't feel bad, and that if it's any consolation I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She smiled at me then, a really wide, happy smile that you only see when somebody wants to show you how they really feel. So then she asked if I wanted to join her, and one thing led to another.

Having sex with a Mermaid is actually very similar with humans. You just have to remember that her tail isn't able to split like human legs, so you need to be gentle when moving it. Luckily it can bend backwards really easily, so finding the vaginal opening between her hips isn't too difficult.

The next morning she was clinging to me all night and I asked her if she wanted to stay with me. She agreed, and we managed to convince a priest to marry us a few weeks later.

Sure, everything in the house and the bed is damp and smells like saltwater and stuff, but she's adorable and I love her.

>> No.21815263

I've noticed an odd trend with monstergirls/abhumans/subhumans etc whatever you want to call them. They fall for and invariably crave to be with the first man to bed them, regardless of context, and usually regardless of how they're treated by said man.

Is it the animal/monster part of them trying to form a stable bond with a mate figure, or the human part trying to latch onto someone that might understand them? Something else?

>> No.21815840

Single dumbest post ever made on 4chan.

I'm a Lamia, and I assure you, this stereotype is complete bullshit. We're just as well adjusted as any of you (which is to say, it's a craps shoot).

Maybe it's just the ones that species mix. I don't understand the appeal of having sex with someone who's got two extra limbs flapping around everywhere. What do you even do with those legs?

>> No.21815885

Just for the sake of science, are you a virgin?

>> No.21815915

For the sake of science, no, I am not.

Me and my Lamia boyfriend love each other very much.

>> No.21815965

>What do you even do with those legs?
climb ladders

>> No.21816001


They're OK, they're not so good at lying so she's most likely on the level.


I came


My hypothesis is two-fold, first we all know that monster-GUYS (i.e. monsters) aren't very pleasant to be around, therefore it's no surprise that monstergirls would want to be with humans. Second the dearth of monsters due to their proclivity for seeking out human women and for getting killed by humans leaves monstergirls without many options of their own races.

>> No.21816015

blame the current demon lord

>> No.21816027


>> No.21816056

Just, again, for science, go try a human male out and get back to me, I'm compiling notes.

>> No.21816084

Seems to me that the gods are dicks and the demon lord is mostly on our side. Just need some way for the children of a monster girl/human pairing to be human if male, instead of always monster girl.

>> No.21816090

Kick things, of course. You should try it... Oh, wait.

>> No.21818968

>Lamia x Lamia sex
But to be racist, but... Yuck!

>> No.21819190

Invest in a Ring of Waterbreathing.
Even if you break up with her, should you ever date another Aquatic species you'll be ready.

>> No.21819218

Not to be homophobic, but naga you gay

>> No.21819443


>> No.21819465

Make sure you wash your hands after touching her. Salmonella's a bitch.

>> No.21822053

Can't we just keep some human females as well as monstergirls?

>> No.21823221

Make sure you don't encounter the Mermaid Problem with her. If you do, expect a lot of blowjobs.

Now, I'm more one for terrestrial creatures myself, but you should try talking to her, and luring her in with fish.
It worked with my catgirl waifu.

>> No.21823249 [DELETED] 

If you like smelling like fish, go ahead.
My buddy in Pensacola dated a Mermaid; couldn't get the damn smell off of him.

>> No.21823286

If she introduces herself by saying she's not going to drown you, you should probably be worried.

Like, if someone walked up and said, "Hi, I'm totally not going to stab you to death and rape your corpse" what would you think their intentions really are?

You gonna get drowned, nigga.

>> No.21823300 [DELETED] 

Good God, those are so bad I actually giggled.
Who am I more ashamed of?

>> No.21823324 [DELETED] 

This. This entirely. OP, you best watch yourself. Or bring a big boat. Or go with friends.
Do all three.

>> No.21823328

>I'm a Lamia
Tail or GTFO

>> No.21823338


mfw subhuman scum dirty up /tg/

Soon snake will be removed from the premises.

>> No.21823348

I always thought the idea of a mermaid living in a decently sized aquarium that trots around on two lanky Steampunk-esque legs was kind of amusing and adorable, but maybe that's just me.

>> No.21823357 [DELETED] 


>> No.21823371

The Species Equality Act was passed five years ago, man. You might as well accept it and join reality with the rest of us. Doesn't matter if you're human, mermaid, lamia, arachne, whatever. We're all the damn same on the inside.

>> No.21823372

You're so lewd, /tg/.

But okay, here you go. But don't think I'll post anything more than that.

>> No.21823377

>you should try talking to her, and luring her in with fish.
It works for lesbians, at least.

>> No.21823387 [DELETED] 

Gonna need a time stamp.
Looks shooped too, I can tell because of some of the pixels etc.

>> No.21823389

Ewww, gross. Underage b&.

>> No.21823401 [DELETED] 

Yeah, but what about the lizardpeople huh?

>> No.21823448

They are covered under it to, though they themselves are kinda xenophobic still.

>> No.21823468

Actually, we're really not. Like, not at all the same. The only thing we share is that we're all sentient and that's really the only thing that matters.

>> No.21823473 [DELETED] 

> though they themselves are kinda xenophobic still.
Check your human privelege.
If you were treated like them for so long, you would understand.

>> No.21823475

Hey, my best friend is a Lizardman

>> No.21823491

What, you mean if my people were conquered by humans from Spain hundreds and hundreds of years ago I'd blanket-hate all humans, regardless of their race and nationality?

>> No.21823497 [DELETED] 

> read thread
> no centaurs
The fuck, guys.
They're better than lizard people.

>> No.21823505

Yeah but you see them so rarely around where I live. They're either all in the western US or Eastern Europe.

>> No.21823512

You know, I've always thought that mermaid steaks would taste delicious. If they suddenly popped into existence, I think I'd be that one jackass waddling my fat ass down to the docks with a shotgun and a fist full of M80s to go maidenfishing.

Then I'd go too far and end up getting into a tense standoff with the Coast Guard and they'd tear me apart like fresh bread.

>> No.21823537

not human, but still. Most of the other races seemed to of gotten over their hatred of humans, but then again, I think a lot of other races aren't as keen to sticking to the old ways like lizardfolk are.

>> No.21823540

Youre reminding me of that picture of a bunch of mutilated mermaids crying for help and making me sad again, so fuck you.

>> No.21823547 [DELETED] 

I thought Britain had a pretty good centaur population?
That aside;
> Mfw Montana
State sucks, but centaur's galore. I love it up here. And it's not Wyoming!

>> No.21823553


No, you'd be glad you received superior human culture.

Remember that you're only alive because we let you exist, subspecies.

>> No.21823563

I think you might've missed some sarcasm there, bro.

>> No.21823568 [DELETED] 

I screencapped this because it made me spit cheerios everywhere.

>> No.21823573

I don't know, they might. Never been to the UK.

>> No.21823582

Lamias give the best hugs, bro.

>> No.21823585

Hey, thanks, man. Never had that happen before.

>> No.21823603

That pic is a good example of this weird ongoing theme I've seen in monstergirl pics.

Basically, the guy in the pic looks pretty displeased to be, say, going balls deep in a harpy, but he's obviously there of his own free will and can leave at any time.

You cant unsee it now.

>> No.21823604

...I'm dating a mummy

>> No.21823620

Must need to use a lot of lube for sex, I mean aren't they supposed to be dry as sand paper down there?

>> No.21823623 [DELETED] 

> That dust
Word to the wise: It's not a good idea to use compressed air to clean you're urethra.

>> No.21823625

Have you even read this? He can't get free

>> No.21823631 [DELETED] 

> you're
Forgive me, it's been a long night.
It's just one typo after another.

>> No.21823634

I feel /tg/ and perhaps 4chan in general has desensitized me. My first though on seeing this image was "...why did they make her ears pink? It would have matched more if they were fleshcolored like the rest of her face"

>> No.21823642

To match the scale-cheeks thing she has going on and to keep the “animal-ears” motif, since monstergirls are sometimes called kemomimi in Japan.

>> No.21823643

Her ears are scaled. Because that's how lamia physique works. Apparently

>> No.21823666 [DELETED] 

I guess they've never seen a lamia before. Where the hell do they live?

>> No.21823674

What if you're dating a flesh golem?
I'd make some lame pun like Scaledinavia, but that would be stupid. And yet I did it

>> No.21823676

It's honestly not that bad. Once she left the desert all the dust/sand problems left with time. As for dryness it's not so much sandpaper as old leather, but at the same time it's not old cracking leather, just kinda tough. Who doesn't use lube anyway?

She keeps claiming she was once a princess and orders me around, but last night I noticed one of her bracelets was scratched, showing it to be gold plated. I think she was just a servant burred with the queen but I'll keep her secret. Besides she seems so happy

>> No.21823692


we do, there's a place in the peak district that is almost a centaur only town, the problem is we get a lot of illegal goblins emigrating from the middle east, it's a fucking pain in the ass, nobody likes them and every single one is a fucking klepto, don't go to east London it's a fucking gobbo nest

>> No.21823698

Where's the flesh golem love at?

I can't be the only one who finds blue skin and getting to sew pieces back on when she gets flustered adorable.

The electric bill IS admittedly a little high though.

>> No.21823700

>Rubbing your penis against old leather.

>> No.21823701

Or for that matter, the boogeyman herself?

>> No.21823705 [DELETED] 

> old leather
IMO, that sounds really unpleasant. Maybe I should try it myself some time...

>> No.21823709

Beat me to the punch, boyo :c

>> No.21823717

Do you gnaw on her jerky tits?

>> No.21823718 [DELETED] 

Fucking goblins.
We have them across the pond too.
Little fuckers stole my novelty garden gnomes. Next one I see on my lawn gets a buckshot through the face.

>> No.21823719

>Blue skin
That's just prejudice

>> No.21823726


seriously? lamias are pretty common everywhere i mean, they prefer warmer climate but even in britland I've seen a good few lamia

>> No.21823738

I don't see it that way, it's no more prejudiced than if I were dating a dark-skinned hispanic and said I loved their brown skin

>> No.21823752

Do I ever

>> No.21823755

That was not the word I was supposed to use. Flesh golems come in more colors than 1

>> No.21823759


see that's why I like america, you see them like the pests they are and can actually DO something about them. Here in britfaggia they're protected under the sapiant humanoid act.

one of the fuckers tried to hit on my selki girlfriend, tried to strip her off in the middle of the bar, I intervened and four more appeared, almost got knifed for it. my girlfriend is scared to go out now! it's a real fucking problem

>> No.21823781

Well of course, but mine happens to be blue and I find it to be one of her more endearing physical characteristics, so I figured I'd bring it up among peers who may understand. I didn't mean to imply that all flesh golems were blue.

>> No.21823787 [DELETED] 

I never said the law liked it.
But, they're really isn't much they can do if its in self defense. Which it will be. Self defense of my yard flamingos.

>> No.21823790

Seriousley its not even attached to a human part. You've made my mind sexualize snake tails /tg/, I don't even know what to feel about this.

>> No.21823794

Whoa bro, back the fuck up, you live in one of THOSE countries?

>> No.21823798


>> No.21823808

Oi, it's an expression, calm your tits

>> No.21823812


>> No.21823820


>> No.21823836

Rolled 18

I like it

>> No.21823842

The best part is you can mix and match their parts. Nothing quite like looking a girl straight in the eye while ravaging her ass and seeing her expression

>> No.21823849

If you want that, just get a Dullahan. They're proud and snobby though, but that's why I love them

>> No.21823897

Yeah, but then the asshole doesnt come with a tongue built in.

>> No.21823905

Pretty sure every Dullahan has a tongue

>> No.21823928

At least you don't have to deal with the turf wars that are happening up here around Pittsburgh. The Dwarves claiming half of the hills here, and then a bunch of hobgoblins claiming half too, the same half. It's kinda died down in the past 15 years, but still, certain areas down town are dangerous.

>> No.21823934

Where do you get your parts? I live in the South West US and you wouldn't believe how difficult it is to legally acquire body parts over here, and then there's the problem of it being in good shape and fitting proportion. Everyone always wants all of their loved ones' body parts and everyone always seems to forget the extra "body part" check box when signing up as an organ donor.

>> No.21823955

Not inside the ass. Nothing quite like an asstongue pulling you in deeper. And dem stitches.

>> No.21823966

Jeez, are tongues easy to come by where you live? It seems that everyone where I live wants to keep their tongue when they die for some reason.

>> No.21823980

I ...
I ...
I must confess for I have sinned.
I am dating a human.

>> No.21823988

I dunno, man. You're basically screwing a horse. The front end may be different, but it's still the arse end of a horse.

I prefer a girl I can look in the eye as we get it on.
And dem scales...
Dragons like fish too, it turns out.

>> No.21823989

I heard someone made a tongue golem. I shit you not, a golem made entirely out of tongues

>> No.21823991

Nothing wrong with a good human

>> No.21823999

Damn, where was this? That sounds absurdly expensive. Unless of course it was done somewhere with a disturbingly low value on human life.

>> No.21824006

Fucking hummies, get outta here

>> No.21824028

have you ever heard of The Tick? There's a character in it that's called Tongue Tongue. Sometimes it sucks having taste buds all over your body. He got trapped in a public bathroom once..

>> No.21824037


I dated a half dragon before my Selki girlfriend, she was amazing but things didn't work out, we still keep in contact and I just can't stop thinking about her, got a text from her the other day saying the same thing about me, I'm really not sure what to do, I love my Selkie girl but I can't stop thinking about the dragon girl

>> No.21824045

Bad ones have more charm, though...

>> No.21824052


Dragons like hoarding. All you need to know.

>> No.21824053

The horse part is not a deterrent for me, though now I do get aroused looking at the tail-end of normal horses. Which is disconcerting.

>> No.21824054

Reported, called the cops, alerted moot. Take that shit to humchan

>> No.21824085

At that point it's probably in your best interest to go for the 'taur before things get wierd.

>> No.21824103 [SPOILER] 

It's over

>> No.21824124

This man has good taste.
Clockwork girls are so easy to wind up.
Needs less pants, more bandages.

>> No.21824142

Ew, fuck no. Cartoon shit doesn't do it for me. Real or nothing.

I'm dating one right now, there have been some awkward moments but for the most part things are going great.

>> No.21824197


you think she's just playing me for bragging rights? how would I be able to tell, we were really good friends and I think she's being sincere...

>> No.21824207

>>21824052 , pretty much.

She's probably got a few more guys on the go, or kept in her basement, supplied with videogames and food, just so she can have her pick when she feels like indulging her desires.

Dragons are capricious buggers when they feel like it.
Not like doggirls. Nothing like a waifu who's always happy to see you, and always eager to indulge you...

>> No.21824232

Had to sweep away the 'bitch' jokes, though.

Tread lightly. She might try to kidnap you.

>> No.21824239


Dragons don't brag about their hoards. They pile that shit up and sleep on(with) it all day.

>> No.21824262

Oh my cod, could you be more obnoxious?

>> No.21824291

I'd like a nice human boyfriend, but I keep finding arachnophobes. At least, I keep finding boys that go out with me once or twice and then 'admit' they're arachnophobic.

I think they're just trying to let me down gently. That's not the best way to do it! I know there's nothing for it but to put a fresh coat of polish on my carapace and try again, I won't become one of those lonely types that always complains and won't leave their web, but it's really depressing.

>> No.21824314


while I'm hardly adverse to either results I'm just worried about the Selki, she really likes me and we have a..... good relationship

>> No.21824331

A ...good relationship?

You know she's eventually gonna vanish for years on end, right?

>> No.21824340

You are an embarrassment to our race! Those things are barely better than chimps! Disgraceful. No wonder society is going to hell.

>> No.21824342

I've actually been looking for a nice arachne to go out with, but there aren't many in my area. What few there are I don't have the gall to talk too.
Don't lose hope; there might be someone like me out there who will finally get the stones to say something.

>> No.21824346

See if your dragon is bi-hoard-ious

>> No.21824428



Nah, that doesn't work.

>> No.21824507


See? This is how the subhuman monsters think. You let them into your homes and extend your hospitality, but secretly they dream themselves our masters.

The Species Equality Act was a fraud because it assumes good will on both sides, but these things have been attacking and eating humans since before my great grandfather's great-grandfather first put on his plate armor.

>> No.21824528

Yea, and we were hunting and skinning them for about as long. There's bad blood on both sides, but everyone's moving past the old prejudices.

>> No.21824532

> tfw you go out in public with your Fae wife and people stare
> tfw waitresses keep mistaking her for a kid since she always wants to look young

Guys, how can I tell my wife to look a lil bit more older without pissing her off?

She keeps turning herself into a 10 year old girl or 16 year old whenever we keep going out.

>> No.21824562

>telling a fae something without pissing her off
Good luck with that one

>> No.21824567

"Subhuman"? How long has your pathetic race even BEEN sentient, monkey?

>> No.21824571

I cannot for the life of me find that. Sauce pls.

>> No.21824573

Why should you and your wife be inconvenienced because of other peoples' ignorance? So long as you are fine with her looking that young, damn what the public thinks.

>> No.21824591

What's wrong with that?
She can eat on the kids meal for cheap. And some nights, kids eat free!

>> No.21824599

This thread has become awfully pedophilic all of a sudden

>> No.21824613

Thing is, sometimes some people keep trying to call the cops saying I'm a fucking pedo.

I admit, we've done this a shit ton of times.

>> No.21824676

I see how it could be problematic, but I bet you could save a shit ton of cash. Just say you're her father or brother or something.

>> No.21824685

I can see how that would get to be annoying. I admit I don't know much about fae, but I can't see why she wouldn't at least consider this for you, you're married after all.

>> No.21824689

Hmmm, I guess we could do that.

Anyhow, gotta go, she wants to go to Build a Bear now and she'll get angry if I don't hurry.

>> No.21824698


>> No.21824710

> Build a Bear
Well, I guess she could look the part but I still find that a tad strange.

>> No.21824818

I saw a guy who was apparently on a date with a gobbo girl yesterday.

She cleaned up WAY nicer than I expected gobbos to be able to.

>> No.21824830

Bit of a shock when you find out they're not actually green, isn't it?

>> No.21824858

What's holding you back? I mean, not with me, obviously, but why are you scared? We like it when people come to us!

>> No.21824875

A friend of mine once dated a lamia. He's in the hospital now getting a bone replacement since his turned to powder, but he insists that given the chance he'd totally do it again.

>> No.21824969

I'm too nervous, plain and simple. Same reason I'd never ask a human out either. I'm fine if someone comes to me, but I will erupt into a volcano of spaghetti if I try to engage in conversation.

>> No.21824977

But she's still a gobbo at her core.
No thanks.

>> No.21825038


>low fertility rates with humans
>no STDs in common

I'd be friends with benefits, but she'd never get into my house.

>> No.21825068

>interbreeding with merfags
>not realizing you slowly killing the white race
we /pol/ now

>> No.21825080


>> No.21825106

>Still getting rumprustled over race

>> No.21825110


>> No.21825138

>not getting rumprustles over race
enjoy your slowly dying white race and your newly emerging welfare queen "humermaid privilege" liberal majority.
My realm is slowly burning around me...

>> No.21825169

I met an arachne who knew how to shapeshift into a full-spider form.

Pic related, filename related, shit haunts me to this day.

>> No.21825180

So how 'bout them demons? I think they're hot
>rum prustles

>> No.21825181

Shitcock, my image disappeared.

>> No.21825197

But that's not the League of Legends champion that literally transforms into a spider. Black Arachne was always one

>> No.21825209

Some of the hardest working people I know are nonhuman. Funnily enough, most of the people scrounging off the Government are lazy humans who sit around blaming nonhumans for all their problems.

I'm dating an Incubus, so yea. They still have to deal with a lot of prejudice, but it's completely unfounded.

>> No.21825230

>Funnily enough, most of the people scrounging off the Government are lazy humans who sit around blaming nonhumans for all their problems
It's like I'm really on 4chan no, you can't date grafics

>> No.21825250

stop ruining my fun faggot
broodmother's new model/skin really does scare me though

Speaking of arachne, do they like to restrain mates as much as those pervs up in Japan claim?

>> No.21825284

You have no idea~
The mantis girls are the really dangerous ones though

>> No.21825299

Her new set of teeth are fucking stupid.

>> No.21825302

>Some of the hardest working people I know are nonhuman.
>rich upper middle class human who's never spent one minuet around an orc or kobald detected
Those creatures are degenerate savages and you know it.

> Funnily enough, most of the people scrounging off the Government are lazy humans who sit around blaming nonhumans for all their problems.
Its hard to be prosperous when our liberal scum king keeps enacting policies which take wealth away from hard working humans just to give it to degenerate nonhumans.
It sickens me that you havent seen the truth. The elves are spreading this "multiculturalism" bullshit to weaken the human race how can you not see this?

Race traitor. you're playing right into the elves hands!

>> No.21825313


>> No.21825314


>> No.21825329

>That lamia/naga/medusa snakething
I kinda want to bone it. More holes, more fun

>> No.21825372

I'd compare it to a small truck, but I'm not sure if my experience is entirely typical.

>> No.21825406

Guys, I'm a human, and in my class there's a cute kobold girl I like.
What do?

>> No.21825425

Post pics, we'll let you know shit taste.

>> No.21825428

Be (ko)bold and talk to her.

>> No.21825429


Rape her
It's Kobold for "hello"

>> No.21825434

I meant to put -if you have- there. I should proof read my posts more.

>> No.21825439

It's obvious
You give her the pick

>> No.21825464

Holy Throne on Terra...

This thread is full of heresy.

>> No.21825469


Long enough to nearly wipe out your kind from the world, scum.

>> No.21825551

I'm sorry, I was so shocked by all the heresy, I forgot to add my picture.

Enjoy the Exterminatus, y'all.

>Captcha: sanguinary Iprille

...Emperordammit. Who let the Blood Angels in here?

>> No.21825603


>implying we care about your religion

You're worse than the fucking Zindran.

>> No.21825638

> Not wanting delicious xeno/monster girls
You imperials will never have any fun.

>> No.21825650

Need help guys, this gnoll chick I've been going out with lately wants us to get married real quick and I'm not ready for this.

I want to tell her that I want to take things slow but every time she gets angry, she beats the shit out of me.

The fuck do I do?

>> No.21825658


Call the cops, ditch her.

>> No.21825659

Jesus fucking Christ /tg/.

>> No.21825683


>captcha: four-footed


>> No.21825705

Her older sister is a model, I have a picture of her. Close enough?


>> No.21825728

What pun? You don't breed with other species, keep the dwarven beardline pure

>> No.21825731

Eh, not my cup of tea but if it floats your boat, go for it.
Doesn't look like they're the friendliest race, though. Be careful not to mince your words.

>> No.21825742

Come on, you know you wanna try it just once...

>> No.21825769

No, see, she models for an armor company.
She's nice, I met her once.

>> No.21825773

Here's my story.


>> No.21825914

Also, I know a little draconic.
Rape isn't how you say hello, it's how you declare war on their father.

>> No.21826002

Dude, that's a Dragonborn. Get your races right before you introduce yourself, they're touchy about that

>> No.21826027

>Rape isn't how you say hello, it's how you declare war on their father.

I think that applies to every species.

>> No.21826039

Unless you rape the father of course

>> No.21826041

Okay.... I.... I have a little bit of a... well, something I need to ask /tg/.

I'm a girl living on the outskirts of one of the big port cities. I run a waterfront apothecary - I'm just starting to get a good, solid customer base. Well... anyways, there's one customer... she's a cecaelia, who comes round the beach every now and again.

And... uh... well, I never knew this about myself before, but I think I must have a fetish for tentacles or bondage or something. Plus, she's really nice.... we've started talking, but as time goes on I just get more and more flustered

But I mean, I don't know anything about Cecaelia. I heard they can stretch to eat a human girl whole. I heard they are all witches. I heard they'll strangle you for your money. I'm sure most of that is lies, but I don't know.

Plus, then there's my customers. If I did somehow suck it up and talk to her... what would they think? The nice apothecary lady is a lesbian - AND she's dating a monstergirl? I know its selfish... but I'm really, really hoping to expand my business to the nobility of the port.

Seeing that there's lots of discussion here with people who have had cross-racial relationships.... what the hell do I do? I don't even know what opinions other races have on homosexuality. I feel like I have not one but two massive things to overcome here.

What do you think? Should I just drop the whole idea?

>> No.21826044

She's adopted. Her parents are a dragon and human, the sister is biological.

>> No.21826082

>Not Human

You, 'ma'am, are a heretic.

>> No.21826096

I think she's just squiding around.

>> No.21826103

Your puns are terrible.

But they're not heresy, so you get a pass.

>> No.21826130


Those are lies, you don't need to worry about that stuff. If you're an Apothecary then you're already going to be considered weird so I don't see it hurting your business, in fact it could do the opposite when you get those idiots who think that monstergirls are more "in tune with nature" or some such bullshit.

As for homosexuality humans are one of the more conservative races in that regard (which is amusing when you consider that we fuck everything that moves as a rule). She almost certainly won't be offended, though she may not feel the same way.

tl;dr, give it a shot.

>> No.21826164

I met this girl a while back while experimenting with a Gate spell. At first it was great, shes gorgeous, we share many key interests and shes one of the few people I've met that can keep up with me intellectually. Lately though I've been noticing she seems to have some serious control issues and its hurting our relationship.

A friend of mine said I should just cast dominate monster on her but I'd rather not resort to that if there's any other options. Help me out /tg/ I don't know what to do.

>> No.21826191


Either she has emotional issues in which case she'd need therapy (and you should be running). Or it's simply the way she thinks, which means you need to either deal with it or bail.

>> No.21826193

I say go for it.
Cecaelia are pretty strange, she'll probably be game.

>> No.21826235

You are incorrect Inquisitor. Nothing is a stain on the Emperor's good humor more than bad puns. For allowing such Heresy to slide, you have allowed yourself to be infected with Heresy.

Prepare to meet the Emperor.

As for you...>>21826096

>> No.21826278

>"Come here, fishy fishy fishy."
I lost it

>> No.21826344

you know you want to try it, it's absolutely de-fish-ous.
Just one bite and your hooked.
mermaids, the crack of the sea

>> No.21826378

>Thinking bad puns are heresy.

Do you even Ave Imperator?

>> No.21826527

>Accusing the Inquisitor of Heresy
The hell is wrong with you, Commissar?

>> No.21826559

A half-celestial moved in next door. I helped her with the last few boxes and I'm planning on asking her over for dinner. What do you guys think I should make/get?

>> No.21826619

angel food cake. Or devil's food cake. Celestials can't pick up on puns for shit, it'll be great

>> No.21826637

Indeed - Angel Food Cake as a dessert, and Angel Hair Pasta as a main course.

>> No.21826868


Okay everyone, I just went out to catch her as she came in to trade some rare aquatic ingredients with me.

And I totally bungled trying to express my feelings to her and got nothing across.

But now she's coming over to dinner tonight to talk business.

Dear Gods, what do I do? Cecaelia... they eat fish, right? Would she be okay with cooked fish or does it all need to be raw? Are they allergic to anything that humans commonly eat?

And I still don't know how the hell I am going to tell her how I feel. The reason I'm so attracted to her is that she's so... confident, and self-assured. But that also makes her sort of intimidating.

Oh Gods, and I don't even know a thing about their culture. I am going to end up offending her, or poisoning her with something she is allergic to and I will never see her again.

WAT DO /tg/ ?

>> No.21826896


I went and looked up images by that description and I think i found the one your talking about.

I share your feels.

>> No.21826899

Rolled 19

Shellfish are the main food source of octopi, so I'd assume it would be the same for your crush

>> No.21826908


Raw is best, some of them like cooked fish as well but raw is the standard. I understand they like sushi since they can't get it under the water.

>> No.21826962

Mermaids? Mermaids.

>> No.21826977

Would you be so kind to show them? I am curious.
In spoiler if necessary.

>> No.21827010

The ones by S Zenith Lee? He draws all sorts of gruesome and sad shit, but I'd be lying if I said he wasn't fantastic at it.

>> No.21827045

Oh god, you summoned as marilith? Those relationships never end well.
She's chaotic by nature, so a steady relationship probably chafing at her. Your best bet? Either a change alignment ritual, which you should only do with her consent, or pursue an "open relationship"
really open
like "orgy level" open

>> No.21827082

Okay, alright, Shellfish I can get. I don't really like them particularly myself but there's a seller just at the pier.

Sushi - yes, I can do Sushi. I can make sushi. I have lots of the rice.

Alright, does anyone else have anything else? Like, is there something that will super offend Cecaelias? Like with kobolds if you rape their fathers, or with dwarves if you be an elf or elf-like, or with driders if you give them the morning paper rolled up?

>> No.21827140

Rolled 3

Nothing that I know of, but I would advise to watch where you step with them around, as you don't want to slip on a tentacle

>> No.21827141

Or with dragons/jews if you spend the gold/gold in your hoard/bank account instead of hoarding/saving up for swag/financial responsibility?

>> No.21827149

Do not under any circumstances say that you think dolphins are smarter than octopi

>> No.21827226

Yeah, plus all Dolphin-taurs are rapists. Just avoid mentioning them altogether

>> No.21827249

Freaking power companies trying to charge flesh golems and their partners for life giving electricity.

I suggest going to your local mad science warehouse and buying some power saving augments.

>> No.21827292


Stay away from discussions about fishing rights and fishing in general if possible. If she brings it up just nod and say I agree a lot.

>> No.21827312


I know S Zenith Lee's stuff but never seen anything with mermaids in it.

>> No.21827330


Okay, I'll take this all into consideration. I'm going to run out to get all the stuff together. Hopefully this won't be a total massive disaster.

>> No.21827380

It's not so bad, to be honest. We both work at the same clinic and she's allowed to siphon some of the electricity from there while she's on break. The administrator is married to a flesh golem himself, so he's very accommodating to us.

>> No.21827387


Good luck and may the goddess of love smile upon you.


Mind taking some pics if things go really well?

>> No.21827416

I mean, we could live somewhere without any reliable electricity flow and have to hunt down storms and attach a lightning rod to her

>> No.21827419

I'll be rooting for you.
Do it for me.

>> No.21827565

I'm not sure if you intended that joke or were just referencing your picture, but I lol'd.

>> No.21827760

There was one clutching a different one that was cut in half. The bisected one was gripping her friend with all the strength she had left while her intact friend was trying her damnedest to make her mutilated friends last moments of life more comfortable. The worst part is I know that it was made expressly for people to fap to.

>> No.21827900


I try not to think that people actually wank to that Sort of thing. I find it helps to try and look at it more as a piece of art with some greater depth to it

>> No.21827976


I really need to see that!
I wonder if it really sparkles such a strong emotion in me as well.

>> No.21828039


dammit s zenith lee

(someone else can post it if they want)

>> No.21828085

This is actually pretty arousing.

>> No.21828135

Strangely I just found it myself.
Damn, that's really heavy stuff.

>> No.21828160

You are a heretic and a monster.

>> No.21828193


>> No.21828231


Hes a very strange artist, theres alot of his stuff thats like the mermaid pic but he also has a lot of stuff like this

>> No.21828379

Your arousal pleases Slaanesh

>> No.21828419

Everything pleases that horny fuck

>> No.21828427

Including excessive abstinence. A god that gets off on abstinence. Man, chaos is weird

>> No.21828430

Can this thread maybe go back to pure waifus and not guro maybe?

>> No.21828536


which just makes it scarier when you see one of his nice scenes of like, sweet lesbians or something.
you never know if the next picture is going to one of them cutting the other up in really graphic ways or something

>> No.21829075


>> No.21829179


seconding this.

>> No.21829268


Okay... I'm... back.

I... uh... Well, from the start. The Cecaelia came over and from the first, I was at a total disadvantage. I sort of assume that aquatic tauric things would all be awkward out of the water - but she was even more graceful than I could ever be, just, like, gliding around everywhere on those violet tentacles of hers...

And I mean, I guess I should point out, that I am basically just sort of basic frumpy Apothecary material, and she is... well... perfect. Like, smooth skin, gorgeous face, long dark hair and amazing set of... well... yeah, that kind of perfect. And she was wearing this really beautiful flowing sun-dress.

But uh, yeah. Sushi was a good idea. She loves rice but rarely gets to have it apparently. So, anyways, we are mainly talking business - she's offering to trade me such and such and I'm going along while trying to figure out how to say what I want in conversation.

>> No.21829363

And anyways, I basically go full retard. Because I'm telling her how I need to import some dates, but I start choking on some seaweed then and cough. So of course she doesn't hear anything I say and asks what I had said.

So then I just blurt out that I was asking her on a date. I have no idea where that came from. So of course I start apologizing and back pedaling as fast as I can.

And then she replies, pretty much "A date? Of course - you're rather cute for a human - absolutely no offense intended. I'll swing around tomorrow and we'll visit the Pier Market."

And then I say something along the lines of "yeah, sure." And then she's having to go and I'm stumbling over polite goodbyes.

So yeah, I really don't know. Does she actually like me? Or was she just being polite and trying to not hurt my feelings?

And yeah, I agreed to a date at the Pier Market, and I hate crowds.

And worst of all I don't even have anything nice to wear out.

>> No.21829402


Realistically if she was just trying to be polite she probably would have let you down as they aren't really fond of spending lots of time out of the water. She's at least considering you. Getting that far means you're probably good for now, just try to relax.

>> No.21829478


Cecaelia do actually have a lot of trouble out of water, basically sweetheart she's putting on a show for you and putting in a ton of extra effort.

She's definitely interested in you, otherwise she wouldn't have shown up in the first place.

Just put on something acceptable and try to have a good time. Don't shy away.

>> No.21829545

As someone who has been in your position, let me just say that you should probably do some stretches tonight, because you are about to be in an entirely different position. Caels don't voice their emotions much, but that's because those tentacles of theirs do it for them. Those things have a mind of their own. As in literally she may not have full control over them if or should I say when she gets...excited.

And don't worry about something nice. I made that mistake and let me tell you, overeager sucker-covered tentacles and fine garments don't mix.

>> No.21829601

Adding to these points;
How well can you swim?

>> No.21829611


W-wait? You mean, on the first date, she's going to try to....

Uh... I'm starting to wonder if I'm not particularly up to this. I mean... uh... what you're suggesting sounds.... intriguing. It's more I'm not sure I can, you know, be good enough or stuff.

>> No.21829627

Too late now babe, you gonna get loved tenderly.

>> No.21829628


Depends on how comfortable everyone is. If you make it clear that you like but aren't up for that yet on the date then she's unlikely to rush you.

>> No.21829636

Bah, just try not to break (physically or mentally) and you'll be fine. You really should try stretching like that other guy suggested. Include your orifices as well. You know, JUST to be sure.

>> No.21829646

And hold your breath. Thats important too.
When your bound by eight hungry tentacles, all that matters is how well you can scream for her. She might like a little thrashing, too, but don't make it look like you are trying to get away or aren't enjoying yourself, because she might get self-conscious and think shes hurting you.
Besides, you havent lived until you have felt the urgent kisses of dozens upon dozens of hungry suckers grasping greedily at your tits. She left marks that lasted for days on the damn things.

>> No.21829650

I live by the ocean. I'm a pretty good swimmer.
Yeah, but I mean... I don't really know how Cecaelia approach this.
Not sure if serious, or if I should make a "why are so you lewd /tg/" comment.

>> No.21829669

Oh, I was quite serious. I've had my own experience with tentacles, though mine wasn't quite as enjoyable. Friggin' Krakkens.

>> No.21829688


She's not going to drag you into bed and rape you (contrary to what /tg/ might be telling you), Cecaelia have no inclination towards rape. If you don't bring sex up she may not even broach the subject, if she does just let her know that you're interested but not ready yet, 95% chance she'll be totally cool with that.

Keep in mind though that if she brings it up you best start GETTING ready, because if you keep turning her down multiple times she may bail.

>> No.21829691

Watch her rear-most tentecles while you're talking, maybe flirt a little. They often lose track of just what their limbs are doing unless they're actualy looking at them, so it's a good read of their mood. If they look thrashy or twitchy, then she's probably in to you. If she's REALLY into you, one or two might find their way up your leg without her even realizing.

>> No.21829774

I keep it open at all times, to makes sure I never miss an update

>> No.21829794

Guys, I'm friends with a Minotaur but his older sister keeps hitting on me. I'm interested but if I tell him I know he'll get pissed and might maul me to death.

Not to mention it'll be weird for both of us.

Any suggestions on what to do?

>> No.21829852

Minotaurs're gonna do what they do man. They don't hold grudges as well as you might think, just play it cautiously, and let her make the first couple of moves.

>> No.21829872

Bros before sows, brah.

>> No.21829879

Just lead her on until she rapes you. If you survive, then you can say it wasn't your idea, and he might just respect you a little more for living though it at all.

>> No.21829906

Am I the only one worried she's either going to be pissed that she doesn't get to build an ACTUAL bear?
Or that she's going to build a bear anyway?

>> No.21829909


Unfortunately it depends heavily on what he thinks of you, not just whether or not you're friends, but whether or not he thinks you embody the virtues of the Minotaur, honor, duty that sort of crap.

If he thinks you're 'Taury enough he'll probably be fine with it, if not he might tell you to fuck off. The biggest problem is that even if he's fine with it and says yes your friendship will never be the same. I stay away from family of friends myself.

>> No.21829918

Okay, basically replace "Minotaur" with just "guy". You can keep that bit about mauling, though.

Now, are you prepared to break the bro code?

Really, really prepared?

Think about this carefully. I'm not saying you should go for it, or that you shouldn't. Just think about it carefully.

>> No.21829922

>I don't really know how Cecaelia approach this.
She isnt going to drag you down to her rape grotto and violate you mercilessly, now, I was just saying that Cecaelia are calculating ambush hunters, waiting for the oppurtune moment to strike. Chances are she is just as flustered by you as you are by her and was waiting for the right moment to “strike”, as it were. I might even go as far as to say that she knew exactly why you invited her to dinner tonight and was playing it off as a misunderstanding so that she could approach you on her terms. And to bring this all to a head, she is probably more than willing to tenderly tentacle rape your brains out if you tell her you want to.

>> No.21830005

We've been bros for 6 years and we always pay our debts and sticked with each other no matter what, but this... This is different.

Thing is, I don't know if this will be serious or anything so I"m still on the fence. My gut says yes but my brain says no.

>> No.21830006


I... I never thought of it like that. I mean, I'm not an expert, but I know enough to know that the "Cecaelia are all rapists" thing is a load of bull.

I guess, /tg/, I'll report on how it went tomorrow, assuming I don't horrendously mess up.

>> No.21830035

/tg/ confirmed for #1 best source of monster-girl dating advice on the internet.

>> No.21830048

Dude do NOT go anywhere near her unless you want to end up hitched to a minotauress for the rest of your life. Minotaur clans are uber-conservative (well at least the civilized ones that don't just want rip your head off and wear it as a hat) and I bet she has several brothers and uncles that will give you a choice between marriage or disembowelment if they find out you were messing around with her.

Not really worth it imo she may be cute now but mino's age horribly she'll be a fat cow in a few years.

>> No.21830092

I love my scaly love but I just moved in with her and it was kind of surprising. First thing with living with a lamia is there furniture is HUGE. either long or wide or both, you really dont expect how long a human size snake is until you meet them and their furniture needs to accomidate. You would think a big couch would be great for cuddling (lamia cuddles are the best!) but she prefers to stretch out over the whole thing leaving me somewhere in the middle with 50 pounds of snake body on my lap. Of course one of our biggest furnishings is our refrigerator completely filled with meat since shes a complete carnivore she cant even digest anything leafy without some major stomach problems. She also eats 3 times as much as me making our food bill something I don't like to look at.
I don't regret moving in with her but a word to the wise to anyone else dating a lamia, be ready for what your getting yourself into

>> No.21830116

another thing to consider is the heating, the place is like a sauna half the time which also makes our electric bill not something fun to look at.

>> No.21830186

THey give really, really good blowjobs

>> No.21830227

Well, what can I tell you, then?

This isn't a Minotaur thing, not really. It's a people thing. A sentient beings thing, a friends thing. All I know is that in the end, you're the one who's got to make the decision.

>> No.21830241

I don't know about where you are at, but I live in one of those new Ectothermic housing complexes for the cold blooded. They are really neat, with heating that runs through the floors instead of vents, to heat pretty much the whole place to around 78 Degrees Fahrenheit all year round.

>> No.21830266


Well, why not talk to her? Say that you don't want to ruin any familiar or friend relationships and that you aren't sure of your feelings, so you'd like to remain as just friends.

>> No.21830413


Where exactly do you live?

I'm a girl whose been in a great relationship with a lovely dryad lady for the past three years. (A Carnivorous plant dryad, if you must know.)

The problem is, we met and started our relationship at the local College of Sorcery. I've always wanted to move back to where I'm from after I graduated - I have a sickly mom and some really younger brothers and sisters I want to be with. The problem is, I'm from really far north. I want to live near my family but I know my girlfriend is going to be miserable anywhere not fairly tropical - it could even be damaging to her health. I offered to have my mother moved down here, but she's pretty stubborn about it - and I don't think moving her is a good idea.

>> No.21830439


>> No.21830443

>leaving me somewhere in the middle with 50 pounds of snake body on my lap
You say that like its a bad thing. Theres nothing quite like using a section of your girl's tail like an ultraheavy comforter only to wake up and find that she has decided to wrap you up in her coils from head to toe and then the two of you watch TV, her head resting on yours while you nestle into her bulk.

>> No.21830447

Not really that far North, actually live in the US, up in North Eastern area. But these complexes are being built a bit up here to help some of the local populations, and truthfully they are really a pain to actually get one. I'm just lucky cause my roommate's a lizard girl, and we've been friends since highschool.

>> No.21830450

okay so monster girl dating advice thread?
So there is this lamia that has just been hired on as holiday work at my job. At first she was kind of intimidating with her tail but that quickly grew to a sort of exotic interest at her mystery. Recently I striked up a conversation with her and we really hit it off, having a lot of the same interests. I've kind of grown to really like her and obviously she felt the same and asked me if I wanted to get coffee with her after work. So if this goes well what should I do? Are lamia all that different from normal women? What about gifts and dates, what should I do where should I go? I know I'm really getting ahead of myself here but if this works I don't want to mess it up...

>> No.21830464

at first its not bad, but have you ever had a big dog sit on your lap for an extended period of time, for a while its nice having the companionship and warmth but then your legs start to go numb and it starts to get uncomfortable

>> No.21830479


Hmm... yeah. Do you maybe have any advice on rigging up an Ectothermic system in a single house? Do you think it would too hard to find an electrician who could manage that?

>> No.21830488

So, a bit of a problem with my boyfriend: I learend his cum is poisonous. We were going to have sex soon, and this is putting me off. He doesn't know that I know this. Any help?

>> No.21830496

I grew up with mastiffs sitting on my lap and it never bothered me and ever since I moved into the city I haven't been able to even own a dog, but a lamia makes a wonderful substitute.

>> No.21830497

As a Lizardman sociologist and criminal profiler I can easily explain this.

The monstergirls that latch onto the first man they find are either considered ugly in their society, or they've committed a terrible affront to their people.

Actually, could you mind telling me your location?

Me and some Salamanderfolk mercenaries have been tracking a Mermaid Disciple of the Ocean Demon of Death and Hatred of Music, for murdering roughly 400 newborn Merfolk... we don't know the exact numbers, her lair is pretty stacked with mutilated corpses.

>> No.21830524

poisonous or venomous?
poison is something that will only mess with you when ingested, venom will all around fuck with you. Sex should be fine, maybe not blowjobs

also don't quote me on that, I could be completely wrong

>> No.21830535


They're pretty similar except that they'll instinctively leech off your body heat so expect LOTS of cuddling that will start early (with a Lamia cuddling does NOT necessarily equal foreplay). Also Lamia frequently eat whole food, so be prepared to have her down a complete rat in one gulp.

Other than that and obvious physical concerns (no shoes as gifts) it's pretty similar to a human.

>> No.21830551

Not sure. But it mentioned it had addictive qualites and gave symptoms similar to bad cases of influenza.

>> No.21830565

>So, a bit of a problem with my boyfriend: I learend his cum is poisonous. We were going to have sex soon, and this is putting me off. He doesn't know that I know this. Any help?

Well, it's customary among all races with poisonous or venomous bodyfluids to tell this to non-poisonous or non-venomous races.

You've probably already been slightly poisoned by kissing him.

Which leads me to conclude that either he's a psychopath with a thing for secretly poisoning his partners. Or he's a mind-controlled thrall in a plot to kill you.

>> No.21830572

I cannot believe this thread.

I can't believe that there are so many monster-girl sluts having sex with HUMANS - male AND female, from the sound of it!

I am a proud Harpy. I have only ever dated Harpies. All these "cross-species" dating are just a bunch of faggoty kids trying to be cool.

But there's nothing worse than dating humans. That's like screwing a serial killer who slaughtered your family. Utterly disgusting.

You really think that some sort of peace treaty means that humans suddenly start liking monster-girls?

The best we can hope for is mutual avoidance.

I don't know whether to be angry at or pity all the girls mentioned in this thread, really.

>> No.21830595


Fucking Harpy supremacists. Always get in the nice threads. I'll have you know that Harpies are a great source of relief. Quite soft, but tight.

>> No.21830596

okay... good to know. Another thing that just came to mind was her tail's pattern, it had that red, white and black color pattern, I heard on normal snakes that means they are venomous... do lamia have venom?

>> No.21830606


Or he's from a, shall we say, less...thoughtful...race.

I've seen plenty of monsters who literally didn't realize they were poisonous/toxic/venomous/disease-carrying. Usually they aren't too bright when that happens.

>> No.21830621

Chill out, we all know you just wish you were a dragon.

>> No.21830626

I think he's similar to an incubus in some cases.

>> No.21830630

I think she might have some sort if eating disorder beacause nagas are cold blooded and need much less food per pound than humans. Even if she weighed 300lbs she should still be eating less than you.

Either that or she's pregnant

>> No.21830632

grandma get off the internet

>> No.21830639

Would you describe it as red-on-yellow or red-on-black? Red on yellow is the same coloration as a coral snake, which are extremely venomous, but red-on-black would be the same coloration as a milk snake, which is fairly harmless.

Actually, is her tail even banded? I suppose it might have spots.

>> No.21830644


Rarely. The ones that do also usually don't have a method for delivering it either. If she has retractable fangs then be worried, otherwise you're good as long as you don't go digging around inside her head.

>> No.21830661

You must be poor as fuck to be eating vermin.

>> No.21830667

Hey, Kobold here, stuff you buddy!

>> No.21830677

Your grandma too?

>> No.21830684

Just banged my first spider. She was great in bed, but made me wear a condom 'cause she didn't want to impregnated by some "Foul beast". Cunt.

>> No.21830689

I...what, oh god.. she has been complaining about sore breasts and her eating patterns have been more abnormal than usual... how the hell is this even going to work?! I've never asked her or even talked about it....is it a live birth or an egg

>> No.21830691


>> No.21830693


It's an example dipshit. Also I knew a Lamia who ate imported rats that cost something like $50 a unit. I have no idea what was special about them but she would be literally quivering when she got the package. It was creepy as fuck. Her husband (also Lamia) seemed creeped out too.

>> No.21830695

Brendan, GET THE FUCK OFF 4CHAN you slimy shit!

You're supposed to count my gold, you lazy fuck?

You want me to come down to the computer lair and slap your shit silly?

>> No.21830704

Did she spin it herself?

>> No.21830718

I think it may be egg.

Yeah. You got that too?

>> No.21830722

>an egg
oh ho ho boy your going to be in for a surprise...or surprises i should say

>> No.21830727

It's more of a whole house design than just finding an electrician to do it. The stuff up here is geo-thermal, plus they put heating filaments into the floors and walls, to get it all working right. Hell, my apartment alone has a bunch of heated pools (for me), in half the rooms, and the rest of the rooms have heated floors in them.

>> No.21830733

>You got that too?
Yep. Its actually a form of foreplay, you know...

>> No.21830740

Okay, another girl here....

So, a new girl just transferred into my school. She's a Slime-girl and she's from somewhere in the Deep South - Louisiana I think. She looks kinda cute, but the other girls are giving her a horrible time - partially because she's a monster-girl, partially because she's from the south. They've started spreading around the nickname "Gelatinous Rube" for her. They think its pretty fucking funny.

So I've tried befriending her, but she's really, super shy. I've managed to start to get to know her, but she's really not picking up on the signals I'm sending that I like her. The problem is, she is from the South - and from what I've gotten out of her, she has really conservative parents.

I don't know anything about Slime Girls. I'm really at a loss. How can I help her gain confidence? How can I get her to pick up on the pretty obvious messages I'm sending that I like her?

>> No.21830748





>> No.21830760


You can't. She probably IS picking up on them but won't or can't act on them.

>> No.21830783

As long as I'm here, do you think you could give me some advice? I'm what's referred to as a changeling; a fairy taken to a human civilization to be raised human. (Felt the need to differentiate it from before the treaty when the process involved stealing a human baby. Still get some flak for that from people who remember it.)

Aside from the usual prejudice, I've been doing pretty well; made it into a decent college, good grades, etc. But I've been noticing more and more recently that I'm sort of a shut-in; I spend most of my time inside playing games. I feel I understand humans decently, but I still have difficulty with it sometimes, and I've always had trouble parsing what I want to say in a way they understand.

In short, what should I do to get out of the house more often? I'm not interested in a boyfriend, but I always feel I'm missing something cooped up in here, and you all seem fairly good at getting fresh air. Could you give any advice?

>> No.21830798

What in Tiamats name did you just say about me, you little smoothskin? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Koboldavian Korps, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on The Lolth Highpriesthood, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in Orc warfare and I’m the top ranger in the entire Koboldavian armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Plane, mark my words. You think you can get away with saying that to me over the Internet? Think again, Smoothskin. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of wizards across the Realms and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, Smoothskin. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re dragonmeat, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare claws. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Koboldavian Korps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the plane you little knave. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your smoothskin tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will rain fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re dead, kiddo.

>> No.21830803

Yes, Lamias will always lay eggs, no matter where the spermatozoa was received from. The babies will likely be full lamia. Baby lamia emerge from their eggs much smaller than human children, but they start getting up and around a lot quicker too.

There is a slight chance that you'll get some "lamia-kin" in the clutch. These basically look just like humans - except that they come out of an egg, are usually smaller, and sometimes show a few snake-like traits in maturation. Lamia-kin can be more fragile than their sibling and require care like a human baby born a bit premature - they used to not have a good survival rate, but with modern medicine they will almost always lead a healthy life.

My own lamia-kin son is in his second year at school and is giving me nothing but pride.

>> No.21830805

>she has really conservative parents.
Shes lying to you, bro, Slimes reproduce by fission. She probably just doesnt want you to know that she is being raised by a single mother. Also, her mom might actually be a 15x15 featureless cube, so theres that to be self-conscious over, too.

>> No.21830811


MMOs and tabletop RPGs. You can start with doing virtual tabletop games and then progress to in-person meetups once your'e comfortable.

>> No.21830818

yeah no yellow, so i guess I'm in the clear, good. Okay so i guess the biggest question I have on my mind is how does sex work? I mean where is it? and what positions work?

>> No.21830819

Get into guns and go to the range. Take up fishing. Hell, start a garden. Just resist the urge to grow some kind of tentacular rapetree like my neighbor. I'm pretty sure its just because he's a fucking weirdo, but I don't really have much experience with changelings.

>> No.21830822

Ogress fucker here, I gotta tell you, thank god I know how to cook but sometimes I wonder if she just loves me for my cooking skills and not me.

I mean, sometimes she'll show it by stuffing me into her pants or tits but sometimes I just wonder if it's all for nothing.

Most times I try going out some place special with her or talk about getting hitched, she doesn't want to talk about it or flat out ignores me.

We've been like this for 4 years and I think it's about time I leave her.

>> No.21830826

>wants to party hard
>doesn't know how









>> No.21830828

Forgot pic, this is me you smoothskin runt

>> No.21830833


So is there really nothing I can do? I've heard that Slimes are a lot different mentally than other monster girls. I admit I'm a pretty straightforwards girl myself. I just really want to help her out.

>> No.21830844 [SPOILER] 

Thrust yourself out.

Find a club. Not a flashy nightclub, or one of those stripper places, but a humble, somewhat known one. Sit at the bar. Talk with humans you meet. Get to know them.

Just watch your drink. Make sure nothing is put into that you don't want, and wear this if you are paranoid. It helps.

>> No.21830846

oh FUCK no. Is that Steve? I swear to god if you don't get rid of the rape tree I'm burning your fucking house down and salting the earth. I don't know who raised you, but that shit does not fucking fly here

>> No.21830848

how many is in a clutch? and why wouldn't she tell me? is it a lamia thing? or is it possible that she doesn't even know

>> No.21830851


There's a slit in the front where the skin meets the scales. Usually you're looking at missionary but if she's limber she might have you come from behind with her tail draped over your shoulder and her face on the floor.

Also, snake-tongue blowjobs. Only had a couple in college but godDAMN.

>> No.21830858


Oh... I see. That... that actually explains a lot of why she won't talk more about that at all.

Uh.... do 15x15 featureless cubes have issues about homosexuality, or is that sort of a moot point for fissionary creatures?

>> No.21830864

If you think THATS good try snake tongue rimjobs.

>> No.21830868


Nope. You can keep trying but don't push too hard or you'll just scare her more.

>> No.21830871



>> No.21830874

Fuck other tounges, those are the best. Rough makes it so much sweeter.

>> No.21830875

She might not even know, her thought process is a little different than a human female, not as much instinctive knowledge since it doesn't affect her body as much. That, coupled with it being her first means not knowing is a definite possiblity. I'd talk to her about it, you can get a test for a lamia at most wal-marts now. And, of course, let her know that you'll take responsibility

>> No.21830879


Pass. I won't kiss any mouth that's been on my ass.

>> No.21830886

Steve you motherfucker get rid of it. I've got a cold iron mace with your name on it you little shit, and we both know the cops don't come out here.

>> No.21830892

Don't worry about possitions, she will always coil up onto you. let me warn you to wear a condom, the coil wont let you move anymore than you 'need to' as my fiance puts it. We have had a few close calls ourself

>> No.21830895


She might not even know. For lamia the signs don't show as early or as obviously as in humans.

She could also suspect, but be dragging her... er... tail in telling you. I know a few lamia who are worried their lovers aren't going to be okay with like eight kids at once, or with them being lamia or lamia-kin. Often they will have the eggs but give them to family to raise.

>> No.21830898

Communication bro

>> No.21830902

I don't know, they just need to wash themselves after. Take a few showers.

Besides, do you wipe your ass? How clean is it?

>> No.21830909


Not sure I follow you.

>> No.21830910

It's a very moot point.
If her "mom" is a gelatinous cube then she'll barely be sentient.
As for homosexuality... they don't technically have genders, so I'm sure you're in the clear

>> No.21830911

Well, the whole 8 kids thing is misleading. There will be around that many eggs, but typically there's not more than 2 or 3 fertilized. Humans aren't as fertile as male lamia

>> No.21830920


I don't LICK my ass.

>> No.21830930

I already do a lot of online roleplaying, and I've always kind of wanted to learn how to shoot things... I guess all I really need to do is just get up and actually do the things I've been considering. I'm a bit nervous that something will go wrong, but I've never really tried to get out on my own before, so I suppose it's worth a shot. Thank you.

Unlike a lot of fairies seem to, I've never had a green thumb. No rape trees for me.

>> No.21830932

Tell her to use some mouthwash afterwords? Tell her you're not ok with rimjobs? Jesus, its like babby's first partner up in here

>> No.21830935

Also make you drink a lot of water and is well rested.
They have stamina...

>> No.21830936





>> No.21830937

Most slimes just desire social and physical contact period, so youre probably good. Also remember that her mom will be a whole like her in a lot of ways seeing as she is a near-clone of her mom. Just be friendly and polite and she might even deign to take a more humanoid form around. Assuming her mom is even old enough to reach the Cube phase of her life. And slimes learn best with multiple repetition, so just keep trying. Maybe be a little more forceful to get her to understand, but dont actually try to force anything on her. In fact, instead of asking about her family, just let her talk about herself for a while. Her interests, her hobbies, nothing about family or social status. Slimes need to feel comfortable where they are before theyll start branching out their social circle.

>> No.21830943

Ah, yeah, good point. A lot of human males do get freaked out when suddenly 'eggs everywhere;

>> No.21830947

Get a cheap .22, look up gun safety rules online and follow them religiously. You'll make friends.

>> No.21830959

Oh my fucking god, we live in a duplex you shit, get her outside! Fuck, after I dispell all of your dumb asses I'm kicking yours

>> No.21830961


Yeah... I guess I did come off as a little bit forceful. I never really considered the differences involved.

I'm going to talk to her tomorrow about it.

Thanks /tg/. You are really amazingly helpful with this sort of stuff.

>> No.21830966

Two big tips:

1. Always, always, always assume a gun is loaded.

2. Never point a gun at anything htat is NOT your target. Not even as a joke. They are meant to kill, only point them at things you want to kill

>> No.21830975


If you're worried try going out of your normal region first and don't go to local places until you're more comfortable.


I'm not certain what you think that discussion was about. Someone else suggested snake-tongue rimjobs, I passed. I don't have (or really want) a Lamia girlfriend so I'm not dealing with a Lamia who wants to give me rimjobs, I'm just saying I'm not into them in general.

>> No.21830977


Dudes, for the love of fuck, don't be mentioning Pit Lords in, you know, A PUBLIC IMAGE BOARD. You guys are going to have the Infernal Disposal Squad on your place so hard.

>> No.21830981

Someone rang?

>> No.21830982

also: keep finger off trigger unless ready to shoot. When they call to clear the range, unload your firearm, put the safety on, keep the chamber open. Make sure to bring hearing and eye protection, and have fun!

>> No.21830992





>> No.21830999

He's just my neighbor, I'm not involved with this, and I'm dispelling their fucking transmutation-trip as we speak. Not about to have a drugged up changeling-turned-pitlord burn my house down because they forgot their ass was on fire and decided to sit down next door in my fucking duplex

>> No.21831005

So I'm a guy... started dating a catgirl... and everything is really nice and all...

Except for my furniture. My poor upholstery. My couch is getting shredded. Sometimes even I'm getting cut.

We just had a big argument about it and I mentioned "declawing" and she didn't talk to be for a couple of days. Things are better but I can tell there is still tension on both sides.

How do I fix this?

>> No.21831011

Go fuck yourself Steve, I'm sick of your shit. My ancestors were the greatest ironsmiths this world has ever seen. Prepare your fucking anus you retarded little shit

>> No.21831018


Oh shit, it's the fuzz!

>> No.21831019

Guys, I need a little advising with a, well...okay, I know I've already got myself in a situation here, but I'm throwing caution to the wind and trying to move a relationship with a Drider forward a little more. She's nice enough, and I do have a great time hanging out with her, but I feel like I want to do more than that for the girl.

She's always been a pretty severe loner. Hell, the only reason we even ran into each other is because of my pest control job. Some asshole in the neighborhood gave me her address under the premise of living there and said they had a "big, black, scary nuisance" in the area. I almost fucked up and brought in my pesticide tank when I knocked on the door. Talk about a burning cross with a noose wind chime, y'know? She told me herself she probably would have driven her fangs through my trachea on the spot if I had done that.

Well, lucky for me she was reasonable enough on first encounter. I was smart enough to catch on that this was a mean-spirited bit of proxy hazing from the second I saw her, so I managed to apologize and explain myself. Spent the time allotted for the pest control chatting to kill time. found out she likes PC gaming, and it all started from there.

Now, I'm pretty sure she's fairly docile, but uh, I honestly have no idea about customs or her mindset on the issue or anything like that. Is she gonna bite my head off if I manage to get anywhere with her? She's at least partially humanoid, so I'd hope not. I just need confirmation

>> No.21831020

>I mentioned "declawing"
That would be like her suggesting you cut off your balls.

>> No.21831025

Too late. Already on the way.

You know, most bosses would be pissed that their employees are surfing the web on company time. But that's one of the perks of working for the IDS.

Gods, I love my job.

>> No.21831026

Cite cultural ignorance, apologize profusely, get her something nice. In the future, just suggest that she file her claws a bit to avoid damaging you and your furniture

>> No.21831029


You talked about declawing...a catgirl...

You done goofed. It's best to get out now because things are NOT going to get better without bricks of catnip and a TON of scritches and even that may not be enough.

>> No.21831030

Damn, I thought the IDS being on 4chan was just a myth.

Bet's on how long before Anonymous starts hacking their servers?

>> No.21831034

Malprave, your deception ends here. Now.

Internet ghosts have already been downloaded onto your system through your illegal Bangbros account.

You can't run, you can't hide. You're going away for a long time.


The special one. In Death-Mirror World.

>> No.21831035


I refer you to: >>21831025

Again, I love my job.

>> No.21831044

I've reported him to you people multiple times and you've done nothing. He goes on a drug-fueled rampage with his asshole friends and somehow I'm being threatened with arrest? Yeah, lets see how well that one holds up in court.

>> No.21831047

I'll make sure to remember all that; finals are coming up and I'm going to need a lot of practice on my Derivitation to do decently, but I'll start around winter break. Thanks again for all the advice!

>> No.21831049

...Has Steve been impersonating me again? Godsdammit.

>> No.21831050


They are quite carnivorous and are perfectly fine with eating human flesh. But if she lasted more than a month on the surface then she's not going to randomly eat you. Be ready to bail if you piss her off though.

>> No.21831053

First: Do you still work as an exterminator? That might offend her a bit, even after you decide to get married. Try to hide your equipment from your kids until its time.

>> No.21831058

Not for much longer you won't. I've already called the artificer's guildmaster and he's giving me access to the guild's lawyers. See you in court asshole.

>> No.21831059

This may sound racist, but try getting her a scratching post. Not a big one that would go in the house, mind you, as that IS considered racist, but just something she can pull out her pocket and run her claws through when shes bored. Hell, invite her to come pick it out with you so she knows that you dont want to change her, you just want your furniture intact.

>> No.21831063

Oh, don't worry, you'll probably be fine.

But really. A RAPETREE? Crystal Dragon Jesus, that's just...

>> No.21831072


Hey, as a guy dating a mantis girl, you'll be happy to know that the "insect-girls bit off dudes heads after sex!" is totally bullshit. Real mantises only usually do that under stressful circumstances - like in a lab. In the wild it's not common. And among monster-girls its entirely unheard of, outside of a few over-publicized cases involving celebrities. (And really, Justin Bieber getting decapitated by that crazy mantis-girl he picked up is HARDLY a loss to civilization)

But yeah, that's really just a terrible stereotype. But, on the other hand, archnes and mantis-girls can be "metaphorical" man eaters. They are often dominant in relationships and don't like feeling like they are not in control.

>> No.21831075



>> No.21831082

>Is she gonna bite my head off if I manage to get anywhere with her?
Do you generally go around throwing your excrement on people that annoy you?


>> No.21831087

She might take a “drink” or two from time to time, but they dont typically like to eat things raw. And no, no black widow death-after-sex stuff, though she might get even “thirstier” if you knock her up.

>> No.21831098


Hey man, FUCK YOU FUCKERS. You are just there to fucking promote racism against the daemonics. I knew a guy in a HAPPY relationship with a succubus until you guys fucking deported her man. Fucking narcs.

>> No.21831099

Oh, well in that case I probably won't have to file the lawsuit paperwork. And seriously, you have no idea what kind of hell it is living next door to this guy. As a practicing artificer, this was the only place that would let me work from home, despite having all the necessary precautions and permits. I never got caught by the rapetree, but a small golem I was working on wandered too close to it.

>> No.21831108

Good thing I've got work to do and sent the iron golem, isn't it steve?

>> No.21831112

Wow, what another fucking idiot regarding this.

IDS don't deport non-criminal Daemonics you twit. Yeah, there's registration and shit, but wouldn't you want, you know, a fucking succubus in your neighbourhood to be registered?

>> No.21831116

It probably won't help much, but...

>> No.21831118

I'm sorry to hear that. We'll be sure to add it to the list of damages.

Finally, a citizen who is fucking informed. Thank you!

>> No.21831126

I just met this nice kelpie girl, about 22. Sweet, delicate, frail thing. We've hit it off real well, both socially in bed (Who knew kelpies had a thing for ring gags?). Problem: I've talked to her parents a few time, and tehy are a bit, well, O' Riely fan's if you know what I mean. As a merman, I think that i would be the perfect fit for her, but they are still holding out to see if there is one male kelpie in the area she should get with.

Should my girl and I just leave for the ocean, or try to get her parents give in and get us married?

>> No.21831133

I'm in a relationship with a dire drider, and she always bites my head off during sex.

But then again, I'm a regenerator. Fell into a cooking vat of health potion, imploded into myself, disappeared into the Positive Energy plane, and got spat out in my original form.

I occasionally wake up with additional body parts if she doesn't eat my head from time to time.

We also have to be careful cuddling too long. If I cuddle with her for like a Lord of the Rings marathon, she'll have to get back in the bathroom to shave her legs.

>> No.21831149

To be honest, I would have preferred if the legislation requiring them to identify themselves as succubi/incubi had gone through instead of the registration stuff. I mean, the venomous demihumans don't have to register themselves? But we can typically identify them at a glance and know what to look out for.

>> No.21831152


How old are you both? If you're just past majority then let it ride for a couple years to see if they come around. If you're older then fuck 'em.

>> No.21831164

I'm 25, her parents are in there late 60's. IF I leave with her, though, I know they'll get the cops. They're THOSE kelpies...

>> No.21831166

Oh, no, I quit that job, as it was only a summer job at the time. My boss had warned me not to bring the tank when I knocked on the door, and I guess I got to find out why. I work as manager at an IT department in town living comfortably.

Yeah, she's a bit more passive than the couple of relatives I've met, but I still have to play the "Yes, yes, you are 'letting' me sit on the couch next to you" type of game. It's fun tripping her up when she tries to play semantics. A flustered Drider is even more adorable than I thought it would be.

Sorry, god damn. Being a regular old scrawny human being makes this really nerve-wracking. I've already had my ignorant relatives yelling me down for hours on end for even associating with her. Even if I'm opposing them, some of the stuff gets stuck in my head regardless of if I really think it's based in reality.

Well, apparently she's already got one or two cases of race-mixing in her bloodline, so she's really self-conscious about her drider features. She keeps herself completely debristled and everything at all times. Apparently some of the more "pure" sides of her family from the swamps and what-have-you like to give her immediate family a lot of shit. Probably why she left for civilization in the first place.

>> No.21831172


Dude, there's a big difference between "venom" and "HELL MAGIKS". Plus, most succubi in casual situations you can easily identify - wings, tail, horns, etc. If she's going through the effort to disguise herself as human, I don't think she gives a fuck about identifying herself.

>> No.21831196







>> No.21831199

This is generally true, yes. The More You Know!

Also, guy with the Rapetree Neighbor? The clean-up squad we deployed is kind of being...held up. By, like, 3 minutes.

Just FYIing you.

>> No.21831207

Yo /tg/ niggas

Big problem here.

Saw this hot as fuck cow-girl. Like, booty like you wouldn't believe. I'd ride her in a rodeo, if you know what I mean.

Problem is, right now, I work at a McDonalds. As in, McDonalds who make beef burgers. And I need the money.

Will this shit fly?

>> No.21831210

Thanks for the heads-up, jackass. Clean-up crew is being notified.

>> No.21831211

>A flustered Drider is even more adorable than I thought it would be.
Try embarrassing her while she is trying to dominate you in bed. It might earn you a bite from her, but fuck is it worth it to see her blush like that.

>> No.21831222

Venom will kill you just as painfully as infernal magic, and infernal magic has to be intentionally used. I'm sure you heard that awful story about the echidna that poisoned her husband when she got an infection in her venom glands, then sneezed and it shot everywhere. Contrary to popular belief, a succubus has to WANT to kill you.

>> No.21831223


Probably not. But they tend to be REALLY mellow when they aren't horny, so she may not care.

>> No.21831229



>> No.21831233

>Will this shit fly?
Do you get pissed off every time you see primates at the zoo? Sure, Driders get all huffy about exterminators and the the like, but they have that whole prideful reputation they have to uphold.

>> No.21831240

That's right, keep it coming. Keep telling me everything they need to know.

>> No.21831248

Don't worry, dispelled it. It is now a very confused changeling girl complaining about a spiked drink. Steve also ran off, he'll be leaving a blood trail a fair ways.

>> No.21831251

>Implying nearly all succubi DON'T want to kill you.

And don't give me that bleeding heart liberal bullshit "baww dey are peoples tooo".

Fucking Daemonics are all thieves - and most of them are illegal immigrants too.

>> No.21831267

I dunno - I mean, it's kind a like, your analogy has to involve... a dead primate ground up and put on a burger.

>> No.21831275

Actually, only 67%. Of course, that is technically "most". But I've got a coworker or two who are Daemonics, and they're actually great!

You know. When they aren't fucking in the janitor's closet after binding and gagging him and forcing him to watch.

>> No.21831277

I bet this guy was just dumped by an incubus. Damn shit. Get over it. You don't see me complaining about lizards every chance I get?

>> No.21831279

Again. Would you care?

>> No.21831294

Many people eat monkeys. I hear dragons consider it a delicacy. Maybe she wont partake, but she likely wont care.

>> No.21831300


I know what your answer is going to be, but the reason they steal is that they can't get jobs due to the extreme prejudice against them. Basically all they can reliably find employment as is strippers and believe it or not the Succubi that want to give up the Blood War and integrate in mortal society aren't all massive sluts desperate to show off their bodies. They also get kicked out of their apartments regularly and frequently end up addicted to drugs.

I had a Succubus girlfriend a while back, she was awesome but her history was a veritable encyclopedia of woe.

>> No.21831302

Agent Malprave, are you seriously putting trust in the word of a changeling?

I suggest you start behaving professionally, you're not dealing with a devil here that must follow an internal code...

This changeling you're tracking isn't just a party changeling, he's also a plaything of Xom.

So even if he's correct about the trap, something else can happe- OH MY GOD, THERE'S PURPLE SMOKE EVERYWHERE AND BUTTERFLIES... AAHHH, IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE TOUCHED ME... OH GO

>> No.21831328

Aren't cows herbivores?

>> No.21831331

I bet you think celestials are all nice people too. They're quite nice until you disagree with them on literally ANYTHING. I had one threaten to smite me, a 100% human, because I picked a penny up off the ground. "HALT EVILDOER, I HAVE TAKEN THE RESPONSIBILITY OF GUARDING THIS COIN, THIS SYMBOL OF LIVELYHOOD, UNTIL SUCH A DAY AS ITS OWNER RETURNS!" I was sweeping the fucking floor. I had to go to the hospital because even though smite evil didn't work on me, the fucking warhammer it was using sure did. Fortunately one of the demonics working in the hospital was willing to amputate an arm from the plane of flesh, otherwise I'd be learning how to use an artificer's prosthetic right now.

>> No.21831340

And that's why I work Net Observation, Wilkins. I know not to put my dick in...Well, whatever you put your dick in recently.

That and drink spiked coffee. Seriously, did you not get that memo this morning?

>> No.21831352

So a demonic doctor saved your arm... but then you hate them...

>> No.21831353

You have a shit boring life, no money?

Come fight for the Devilwatch Private Military Corporation. Fight in the Blood War, under the command of The Nameless One, conquer infinite stretches of land, see things no one has ever seen before, get fat loot and above all, any succubus you enslave automatically gets a Green Card.

Devilwatch PMC's, bringing the best the US has to offer to the Bloodwar.

>> No.21831362

Oh my fucking god, I told you people I've got this. Just go follow the guy's blood trail. I'm a licensed artificer, I can dispell this crap. Just let me get the paperwork filled out so he can't claim destruction of magical property.

>> No.21831373

No, I don't hate them. I'm saying that they get a bad rap. And celestials are fucking assholes. The only ones that come here are the ones that are exiled from their home plane

>> No.21831374

Well, technically Changelings aren't our jurisdiction. But we'll send that case report over to the Fae Monitoring Department.

>> No.21831377

Dude, stop advertising here. Does the even work anymore?

>> No.21831383

Haha, guys, uh, drider guy here; whod've thunk driders like to browse /tg/? I just got an incredibly warm and sweet phone call from her brother, and he said he'll be at my place in twenty minutes to, and I quote, "give you a personal rundown of do's and don'ts. Mostly don'ts". The fucker's already tried to break my arms before when he showed up unannounced at her house, and I have a really strong intuition that we're not going to be talking all that much.

I called her up and told her the situation, and she said I should do what I have to. Told me her family won't step into the matter, and he's putting himself in the situation. She's not going to say it outright, but apparently I've got permission to, well...use extreme force.

I still have an eight-liter industrial pesticide sprayer from my exterminator job. If trying to talk him down doesn't defuse the situation, what do I load this thing with to put him down as quickly as possible? My family is known for dabbling in alchemy and trap-making, so I've got more than the average person's array of chemicals at my disposal.

Gods, I really do not want to resort to violence over this, but I'm not someone who takes this kind of shit lying down.

>> No.21831391

Ever heard of mad cow disease?
Not saying cowgirls are as dumb as cows, just mentioning...

>> No.21831392

You can hold him for 72 hours while they process paperwork, and as a government sponsored agency dealing with paranormal immigrants, you have the authority to detain him. Especially since he's an active threat to society, and has attacked a total of 3 people in the last hour

>> No.21831393

To all IDS personel, please evacuate the building. Xom is amused by our building, and explosions, fires, toxic clouds, dragons, demons, zombies, banishments to the abyss, dimensional gates to labyriths, teleportation traps, animated hostile copy machines and various other strange things have been observed.

This is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill.

>> No.21831409

And monkeys eat bugs and leaves. Your point?

>> No.21831414

I am amused.

Government agents. Fun fun fun.

>> No.21831425

Where's your nearest recruitment office?
How long are the deployments?

>> No.21831427

You come near my house and you'll meet my iron golem doorman. I have had it up to here with your minions shit, your shit, the rapetree's shit, and any other shit I might have forgotten.

>> No.21831434

Well, this is my cue to go home early.

>> No.21831440

Lock all doors, screenshot the threat, call the police. Try to get her or another family over to the house ASAP. Only take the can out if he actually manages to start trying to kill you.

>> No.21831442


So we had dinner. It went well I think. She seemed very distant the whole time but she seemed pleased by everything. Her voice is gorgeous too. I made a casserole for the entree and I went with the angel food cake suggestion for dessert, she actually laughed when I brought it out.

Here's hoping this is going to work.

>> No.21831451

You idiot, you don't talk to Xom like that.

He's the fucking God of Chaos man...

>> No.21831466

Which one? He's not one I recognize...

Dumb shit. I'm not a "Monkey" I'm a "bird". Harpy, proud one for 19 years.

>> No.21831473

I. Don't. Fucking. Care. I will shove a cold iron baseball bat up his ass if he doesn't fuck off back to lala land. If that doesn't work, I'll bring out the big guns. It is entirely possible to craft weapons that can harm divine beings, and failing that I've got enough components to grant a wish.

>> No.21831484

>harpy on cowgirl lesbian lovins
I came

>> No.21831492

lol, you're not even old enough to drink

>> No.21831493

I am amused.

You think you can kill me.

>> No.21831501

If you want to get technical no, I just have to wish you can't affect me in a divine capacity.

>> No.21831505

What? I've never dated a fuckin' cowgirl...

I can in Europe, dear boy.

>> No.21831507

Got another phone call from him just now. Called me a pasty-skinned meat tube and told me he's gonna enjoy making my bone marrow into porridge. I can take the threats with grace, but then he told me that it figures a "spineless submissive faggot like you would go after a drider" and I'm about sick of his shit. I'm dialing the police when I see him, then I'm going out there to meet him. Called her back and told her to get a hold of someone from her family to get their ass over to my place.

I've already strapped on the can and filled it with a mixture of hydroflouric acid and a tarring agent, made to work like synthetic acidic webbing. It's not enough to disintegrate flesh, but he's gonna learn a hard lesson about shit-talking humans.

>> No.21831514

In that case, I'll just play fast.

Look outside. I hope you enjoy the weather in the Abyss.

I roar with laughter.

>> No.21831517

I'm so glad I don't live that far from the office. And technically, I can work from home anyway, since my only job is to monitor you fucktards. So, to recap.

>Do job I love.
>Stay at home.
>Be near girlfriend.

Fuck yeah.

>> No.21831518

So how's it feel not being able to use any kind of magic, bird brains?

>> No.21831519


You know, someone should make an indie game where YOU play a God inside a dungeon, giving adventurers either a good time or a bad time... that'd be awesome.

>> No.21831531

Jokes on you, the artificer's guild has a time share there.

>> No.21831535

This will make you feel like an absolute pussy and might very well be the least manly thing you will ever do, but call your girl and ask for her help. Arachnoids are usually VERY territorial and will beat the shit out of her own brother if need be. On top of that, letting her feel like the hero will probably make her entire week at the very least. Archnoids love to feel on top and in control and playing the protector lets her do just that.

>> No.21831541

Dont care, I started imagining harpies on cowgirls and nothing else matters.

>> No.21831551


Well, that...or you could get a shotgun. Seriously. Shotguns are great! I mean, there's a ton of non-lethal options. Like rock salt. Oh Gods, rock salt. Best anti-undead home defense money can buy....

Not sure how it works on driders, though.

>> No.21831564

don't even fucking joke about that, man
that's how my brother re-died

>> No.21831569

It will fracture his exoskeleton, causing horrific injuries. They're tougher than us, but when they break, they break hard.

>> No.21831575

Just got a call from her as you posted that, said she'd be here in ten minutes. Problem is, I can see her brother two houses down. Looks like I'm gonna have to protect myself until then.

In the meantime, I'm going to make that stupid overly-decorated exoskeleton of his look like a shitty art exhibit until he molts again.

>> No.21831579

...Can I join you?

Why would you want an undead brother?

>> No.21831582


>> No.21831584

Good luck finding them.

I got my own section... the other half of infinity. It's a split deal.

Hope you stacked up on spam, because it's a long walk.

And that's without thinking about all the pitlords down there.

>> No.21831587

Necromancer here. Fairly common to put reanimation in wills these days. His brother probably had something like that written up and met a premature end

>> No.21831591

Hey, look. I'm sorry about your brother, okay? But I'd really rather not have some brain-hungry unintelligent corpse trying to break down my door.

Revenants are cool, though. Liches too. My family's doctor is a lich. His hands are chilly.

On the one hand, I'm not supposed to say that'd be fucking cool, but it'd be kinda fucking cool. Also, my girlfriend agrees.

>> No.21831599

Well, I'm sure there's plenty of ingredients between here and there, and its not like time passes here. That wish is going to happen eventually, and I'm not the only one with that idea anymore.

>> No.21831616

I worked security with a revenant. Scary as hell when his killer showed up at the club though. Like, holy shit. Took over a year to clean up the mess.

>> No.21831618


Why are you people speaking in accent over a text-based medium.

That doesn't

I don't even know what.

>> No.21831620

...You have a license, right?

Sorry, I have to ask.

>> No.21831622

Doesn't that hurt the brain? Make him less... like he was living?

>> No.21831639

Currently suspended, so I'm not practicing until the investigation is over. One of my clients died on the way to getting his will changed to remove the reanimation clause, and I wasn't informed. So he's suing. I should be in the clear since there was no way I could have known, and I did technically have the legal go-ahead.

>> No.21831643

Hey guys, need some advice. I hooked up with this chick at a club, had some snake features, nothing too major. She was really hot and the sex was amazing, and the next morning she said she'd like to see me again.
The problem is, she's not Lamia-kin like I initially assumed. She's a Yuan-ti Pureblood
Should I be worried?

>> No.21831654

Ah, bummer. I know a few guys in the legal department of the Necromancy Regulation Office. I'll see what I can do.

Oooooonly if she offers you Kool-Aid. Don't drink it, man.

>> No.21831668

Binds the soul to the body, basically animates it as a puppet with the soul pulling the strings. State of the brain doesn't really affect anything. Re-animation is different than resurrection. Resurrection can only be done if the body is in a state that can support life, which means brain injuries are right out. However, its rather handy for fixing decapitations since the brain is the only critical part that can't really be repaired. Also, resurrection doesn't require a clause in the patient's will to carry out since they won't be a walking corpse afterwords. Re-animation just puts them in control of a puppet made of meat.

>> No.21831671


>> No.21831681

Depends on your alignment.

If you want a Yuanti to really get the hots for you, slit the throat of a virgin in a badtub and have sex with the Yuanti right there in the blood.

>> No.21831685

Whoa... aren't those chicks, like, all snake? How did you not notice?

>> No.21831704

No kool-aid, got it. Oh god, I'm meeting her tomorrow. I don't think she knows that I know that she's a Yuan-Ti. I only figured it out because the next morning I put all the pieces together

>> No.21831728

No, pure bloods are humanoid with snake features, often forked tongues, small patches of scale, snake eyes, etc. Yuan-Ti Abominations are more often that not massive snake people.
Anathemas... let's not talk about them. You don't want to meet Anathemas
This is not helping my anxiety issues man.

>> No.21831742

Bad idea. You beat HIM up, youre the bad guy and she doesnt get to be the big goddamn hero. Your best bet is to stall.

>> No.21831751

Hey.... /tg/.... I have a bit of a problem.

I'm a man, homosexual and comfortable with it. These last few months I started dating a Lamia - he's an amazing guy, funny, sweet, good-looking.

But the thing is, his parents are immigrants from Pakistan - and pretty seriously Islamic from what I can tell. He hadn't come out of the closet yet, but he did recently, and they went absolutely batshit ballistic.

Now he's talking about ending our relationship. I can tell he doesn't want to, and that he's seriously depressed.

I'm not very well versed on other HUMAN cultures, let alone the lamia one here. I don't even know how to approach this.

>> No.21831757

My girlfriend disagrees. She says that punching him ni the face is the best solution. Of course, she says that about everything.

Let's just say there's a REASON I'm not allowed to bring her to family reunions anymore.

>> No.21831766

Drider guy here. Xom, what the hell. I got out there and managed to suplex a drider. Xom, whatever you did, it gave me the strength to suplex a drider.

I'm not one to side with lords of Chaos, and I really appreciate this one (singular, non-repeating, past tense) case of meddling in my affairs, but next time, could you please send a memo or something? I'd have told you to make sure my skeletal structure could support lifting a half-ton arachnid off the ground. Now, let's just say, my left leg has a new join above the knee. I'm in a lot of pain you twit.

>> No.21831797

You just suplexed a...

Please. Please sweet Crystal Dragon Jesus, let somebody have been filiming that.

>> No.21831799

Dude, relax, most professionally done re-animations are temporary fixes. In most cases, you start looking for an artificer to make your soul a new vessel. I've seen some damn fine work from them, the soul actually inhabits it to an extent, so you have full sensory range. Including touch. The biggest thing you have to deal with is physical therapy to get used to the new body, and a slight sense of disassociation.

>> No.21831803

From what I've seen, that they're Islam is the most important thing. People who persecute a certain type of person are generally willing to band together for it, regardless of other factors that would normally cause conflict.

If he's going to drop you because of pressure from his parents, he cares more for social norms than he does for your company. You'd be better off without him.

>> No.21831807

I'm sure Xom was. Anyone want to help me get out of the fucking abyss?

>> No.21831815

What layer?

>> No.21831817

I'll get some guys from the Planar-Border Patrol on the horn. Any, uh...Any idea where you are? Insofar as there's shit to use as landmarks?

>> No.21831832

Wherever Xom sent me.
There's pit lords everywhere.

All I know is that Xom said it was the half of the infinite abyss that the artificer's guild doesn't have property in.

>> No.21831835

On a positive note, may I add, she is very much enjoying taking care of my multiple shattered bones. I prove dominance, and she gets to "take care of the big, strong man". Apparently she has decided that being my caretaker makes her in a superior position to a man that suplexed a drider. I'm not complaining. I can practically see her ego ballooning. I've turned into a shining, golden status symbol for her.

Also, in case anyone was wondering how I knew it was Xom, my grandfather was a chaos cult apothecary.

Xom, I hate to inform you, but cult affiliation isn't inherited like that. I'm a guy that does IT at a business complex. Please don't assume this one favor gives you permission to use my body as a gateway into the mortal realm, because I'm not having that shit.

>> No.21831837

Fuck... fucking gangs. Incubus and omnibus all over me. So many... oh god, jizz still on me. Need to hide. Some city.

I think I hear them now...

>> No.21831838

Well shit.

>> No.21831839

>in the abyss

Did you sleep through your entire abyss geography class?

Fucking government agents...

>> No.21831857


God, the internet control in China is getting even worse.

>> No.21831859

Dude, my girlfriend is the same way.

As a matter of fact, no, I didn't. I was absent. You see, I kind of caught the clap from your sister.

>> No.21831866

Well, some of the more popular layers have landmarks. It's pretty hard to miss the fucking Citadel of Orcus, you know

>> No.21831876

>implying I give a shit about cult affiliation

I do what I do man, don't question it.

Or I'll transmutate your broken bones in giant flesheating maggots.

>> No.21831885

If it helps, there's rapetrees a couple miles below me. I've got a few gadgets on me, enough that I can take care of myself. Can't anyone scry me? Or use any of my personal effects to summon me? If not, I guess I'm questing for godhood.

>> No.21831894


>> No.21831907

I'd bring up that poker match you lost with my grandfather, but I suppose you'll pull some statute of limitation on that deal. Fine, you're a chaos god, you like doing things without reason because it amuses you.

Can I ask you to upload the video of my suplex somewhere, though? I know you were there. Small bushes don't have twenty-foot omni-directional shadows in midday sunlight.

>> No.21831910







>> No.21831920

I'll transmute my foot up your ass as soon as I get out of this abyss. Artificers have to get rid of chaos and random variables all the fucking time, you're just one that got uppity.

>> No.21831923

Dear God... oh, help, they're here! They're here!

>> No.21831924

Kindly get the fuck out.

No, seriously. My girlfriend is reading this over my shoulder, and she's got that "where the Hells did I put that baseball bat" look in her eye.

>> No.21831942

This is going to sound crazy, but rape them first. its your only hope

>> No.21831947





This post has been censored by most beneficent government of the People's Republic of China. Please, most gracious Western consumers, do not pay any heed to this post. Long live the Draconic Council!

>> No.21831950

I'm going to hire a succubus plus "extension services" and fornicate for forty hours straight on the front steps of that place you call a church. I'll fuck her so hard that I'll use her body to drill a pit into the ground in front of the place.

>> No.21831961

a pit shaped like two crossed dicks

>> No.21831962

Can't... too many... knife... anything!

Got it. Kansas city. Where are you?

>> No.21831971

Guys, I've got a problem. I think my room mate is the grim reaper

>> No.21831984

Keep any and all garbage backs and burlap sacks out of reach of yourself and him.

>> No.21831990

Hey, so I'm a gay guy (literally, actually, my name is Guy, lol) and I've met this great Cyclops. I want to ask him out but I barely know anything about them aside that they immigrate from Greece. Does that make him Orthodox? Are Cyclopses really cannibals? Do they really have sensitive smells - I hear stories about Cyclopses accidently inhaling spices and going catatonic. I heard Cyclopses like sheep - should I invite him for a lamb dinner?

>> No.21832000


Has he asked you to get in the fucking bag? Or have you seen him ask other people to get in the fucking bag?

>> No.21832002

Traditionally they have been shepherds. If he moved here, he might not be orthodox. Yes, in the past they have eaten humans, which isn't technically cannibalism for them. They have EXTREMELY sensitive noses. Lamb is something that would go over well. Make sure he's into dudes though, if not, he might freak out.

>> No.21832008

Dude I though you were an artificer? Don't you have enough caster levels erm I mean wizarding experience to use plane shift or something?

Ah whatever I'll try to scry you and I do mean try divination isn't exactly my strong suit.

>> No.21832025


Cool, thanks for the solid advice. Heh, I'm pretty sure he is, but maybe cross racial signals are different and all.

>> No.21832031

Its a her. and she uses a lot of garbage bags....like a box a week. Or she did, until she got a canvas one saying "its re-useable." She's pretty cute, but something about her just isn't sexually exciting. Like, I know she's beautiful but I don't feel any urge to think dirty thoughts about her. I've tried. She is also extremely punctual, and last week there was a car wreck in the background of a traffic report, and she was there with a fucking bag. The accident was miles away. 5 minutes later, she walks out of her room smelling like gasoline.

>> No.21832035


>> No.21832049

Yeah, she's a Repaer.

Don't ever look in the bag.

>> No.21832051

Well, I carefully considered your question, and here's your answer:
Snake-girls give great blow jobs

>> No.21832053

Look, uh, don't panic, but I think you've got a grim reaper on your hands, yes indeed. This is actually a remarkably easy thing to handle. Just don't be dead, and talk to her about it. She'd be dumb if she thought you weren't ever going to notice, so don't expect too much surprise from her.

>> No.21832059

I can only do the mechanical kind of magic, I'd need a bronze rod, a selection of gears, something to engrave with, 6cc of human blood, and trapped ball lightning to planeshift.

>> No.21832067


>> No.21832074

Ummm, I asked her what's in the bag. She showed me. There are no words for it. It is beyond comprehension, but the memory of it won't go away, and is etched with perfect clarity into my mind. She laughed and made me a drink. I do not know what to feel

>> No.21832083

Yeah, so is there any way to get a dragon girl to stop sleeping on top of me?
Or at least to let me out of the house?

>> No.21832084

Adopt a moderately cynical attitude, and get wasted with a reaper. You've got an exciting life ahead of you.

>> No.21832091

Its simple really. Get on top.

>> No.21832094

I never played poker with your granddad.

Your granddad lost to himself. I cloned him. You see.

Your granddad is actually his clone.

You see, they played for life.

>> No.21832095

You idiot.

Okay. Just don't ever go into the bag while you're still alive.

>> No.21832103

Nope. Enjoy being part of the hoard

>> No.21832106


>> No.21832114

Get that dragon-girl a treasure. Dragon-girls love treasure. And then she will sleep on top of it and not you. Just tell her you are going to go get treasure.

>> No.21832118

I'm going to get wasted and stare off into space. while she tries to attract my attention. If she can distract me from this memory, I'll pay her all the attention I have.

>> No.21832124


>> No.21832128

Oh. So that's why the left side of his face turned into molten gelatin a couple years ago. Figures.

How's the abyss been, anyways? I still have night terrors from when you drug my unconscious mind into the lower layers of the abyss. Really, I didn't need to see that. I have episodes where I can see people's auras and stuff, now. If some of their aura gets in my mouth, I can taste it. It tastes like cherry-flavored cough medicine.

>> No.21832136

Has this ever happened before? Or is it just one of those taboo things that everyone knows better than to do but no one has actually done and so no one knows what actually happens and what not? I think I have seen everything. Literally.

>> No.21832146

I tried. It...didnt work out so well.
Welp. At least she claims I'm the only person worth hoarding.
I tried that one, too. Now she makes me wear the necklace I got her so that the two things she cherishes the most are always in the same place. She will only wear it herself when she isnt planning on going anywhere.

>> No.21832151


Dude, just don't ask about the fucking bag. When it's your time, you will go into the fucking bag. Until then, stay out of the fucking bag. It's not that hard.

>> No.21832155


>> No.21832156

Try 2: Electric Boogaloo: TRY HARDER
Seriously, its a dominance thing.

>> No.21832158

Excuse me, but as one of those monsterfuckers, I'm going to have to ask that you keep these views to yourself. Seriously. We understand that you think it's wrong. I, on the other hand, happen to enjoy living with my girlfriend. And everything that entails.

Like sleeping together.

Yes. It's happened before. You remember back about 20 years ago, with that thing in Paris? Someone went into the bag.

>> No.21832161

No, you need more treasure than that. You need to get her a pile of treasure. Like, a pile of gold coins to sleep on.

>> No.21832163

But she showed me her bag when I asked about it.

>> No.21832164

Good news is that she obviously appreciates you.
Bad news is that the possessive HAH attitude won't go away.

>> No.21832184



>> No.21832191

Don't listen to this guy, chances are she'll just get you to sleep on the coins so that she can sleep on both of you.
Best thin would be to give her a really swanky bed, that way you'll at least be comfortable.

>> No.21832194

I.....think that means she's into you.

>> No.21832197

I don't even live in the Abyss. That's really the turf of the Abyss gods. And they're nasty.

As for the aura deals... you noticed how you don't see every aura?

That's because you can only see the auras of people that are evil incarnate.

So yeah, people like your girlfriend. She's pretty evil.

She also sticks buttplugs and dildos up your ass in the weekend, after she drugs you with some benzodiazepine in your warm chocolate milk.

But be happy, you're her first boyfriend who has survived a month...

>> No.21832203

She kinda overpowers me by a lot.
She already has a bunch of those and it would be really painful to sleep on them if she didnt enchant them. That said, its hard to add to her collection when it is physically impossible for me to leave her house most days.
I'm gonna be honest, the doting is nice. Im fine with her possessiveness and understand thats part of who she is and all that jazz, I just need her to tone it down a bit.

>> No.21832209

Speculation has it that all memories and events associated with every dead sentient being ever collected by the reapers is harnessed and concentrated within that bag. That's why, no matter what she tells you, you do not get in the bag as a living being.

>> No.21832212

Just ignore him man. He's like Ordo Exterminatus, he'll leave eventually

>> No.21832218

Out of curiosity - how many people in relationships with monsters do you figure are in homosexual relationships?

In this thread I saw three lesbians and two gays so far. Does wanting to date monsters imply a greater confidence in going outside of social norms?

>> No.21832225

GET STRONK: STRONK HARDER. Challenge her to a contest that you'd be on even footing. Do something to make her acknowledge you as an equal.

>> No.21832227

No, he needs to go. Because my girlfriend is looking for her baseball bat. The one I had to hide.

Seriously. There's a reason she's banned from my family's get-togethers, people!

>> No.21832233

Well, that explains why my banker almost smoked me out of his office. Hey, is there any way I can, like, harness or concentrate the stuff? Apothecary or not, someone in my family would pay top dollar for a vial of pure evil.

>> No.21832240

For asking such a stupid obvious question, you're going off to the Abyss.

Hope Steve likes his dinner alive and kicking.

>> No.21832248


You do realize that hurricanes are in fact created due to meteorological phenomenon? And that Terrorists usually have their own agendas?

>> No.21832260

I can tell you its pretty much useless to an artificer. only magical components we tend to deal with are blood, oils, and stuff that can be used as a mechanical component. Evil's too self-destructive to be put in a device that's supposed to be around for a while.

>> No.21832264


>> No.21832267

Ask your little sister.

Seriously. She sucked so much dark god dick, her brain is filled with occult arcane secrets.

You know, your family is fucked up and unusual.

And I've seen a lot of fucked up shit, as the God of Chaos.

I'm very amused. Here, a divine gift. 10 litres of vanilla ice will appear above your head when you read this message.

>> No.21832279

ice ice baby

>> No.21832285

When you read this a portion of your infinite holdings shall be converted into a domain of pure order. Sincerely, everyone.

>> No.21832291

Try reading a book.

>> No.21832300


>> No.21832313

Cool. No, literally. That was fucking cold. Could you at least have put it in a container? Also, I knew my little sister was a huge slut, but dark gods? Hot damn.

Well, I've got lead-lined vials to prepare for pure concentrated evil. I think a few local politicians could use some of the stuff.

>> No.21832320


>> No.21832324

What is your girlfriend? I'm not sure if that got mentioned.
No matter what, tell her that destroying your computer won't solve it.

The situation sounds rather cute, admittedly.
If you understand why dragons hoard, try taking to her about getting out of the house more. You need fresh air too. Start with something simple, like buying groceries.
Being together while doing that will help ease into it.

>> No.21832325

You know what buddy, you're wasting your time here, you're obviously destined for a far greater challenge.
you should preach the good word to /b/

>> No.21832329

Ok, but does asking to see their bag have any meaning to them? She's acting how regular women act when you flirt with them, but the weird vibe from her is still going on. What do I do?

>> No.21832340


>> No.21832345

Hey, guys? I'm.. in a bit of a predicament. Like, I'm interacting with a...something. It's like... Well, I'm not really sure how to explain it. These last few months have been very weird and I'm not sure how to go from here. It feels like I have a chance to do something, but at the same time I feel like this is crazy.

Maybe I just need a drink.

>> No.21832348

Well, you're deep in the shit now, so might as well ask whatever metaphysical questions you've got while you two are boozing up. Just don't get in the bag. The fact that you haven't gone insane from seeing the inside of that bag probably intrigues and excites her on a level we don't understand.

>> No.21832351

>Westboro Baptist Church

Sweet mother of God, it all makes sense now.

>> No.21832355

I might have a few things I can try, seeing how the vidya is one of the few ways I can pass the time these days. And I have to be honest, but I really kinda like most of the stuff she does, like the way she loves it when I sit in her lap or the way she holds on to me almost protectively whenever we go anywhere and I don't want to lose that. Hell, Ive even sort of grown to like the waking up with her on top of me, even if I do sometimes have trouble breathing or my legs go numb. I just need her to tone down the possessiveness a tad. Like enough to where she can trust me going outside on my own without worrying that someone else will “steal me away”. She actually told me that one once.
Admittedly, it was fun and adorable as hell the first week when I thought she was just playing around and wanted to treat me special for a week, but then the joke never ended...
The worst part is I dont know if I would have tried to nip it in the bud knowing what I now know, because that week was wonderful.

>> No.21832363

Oh, right. Well, let's just say that she's of the Selachimorphic persuasion. And she's not going to smash my laptop. She's going to find our fundamentalist friend there and beat him unconscious or worse.

Have you ever seen a pissed-off shark-girl before? I have, and it isn't pretty.

>> No.21832369

Ok. It did change me though. I think I'm a little shell-shocked. Down the rabbit hole I go, I suppose. I don't think this is alcohol we're getting fucked up on though. It's pitch black and smells like old books. There are no words for the taste

>> No.21832375

Have you perhaps gotten into a relationship with an eldritch abomination? You may have already been lost to madness. Not even Xom wants anything to do with your ass at this point, more than likely.

>> No.21832380


Uh, dude? By any chance have you drunk any of her milk? I hear that hoarding female dragons will eventually start to force-feed their partners if they're submissive enough. The milk is actually mutagenic and transforms them into half-dragons or dragonkin, depending on what breed she is.

Just a heads-up.

>> No.21832384

Uh, have you inquired as to the origin of said liquid? that seems important.

>> No.21832386

No, wait, don't let her go to Kansas. Why would you want anyone to go to Kansas?

>> No.21832393

Go ahead and tell us man. I'm going on a date with a Yuan-ti in an hour and I'm wondering if I'll have to sacrifice a virgin to get her to like me.

>> No.21832394

Ok, ask yourself this. You willing to commit here? If so, beat her at something. Then tell her you'll never leave her. Trust me, that'll mean more to her than anything. She'll trust you completely, but you'd best start making marriage plans. This is a sign from her that she's wanting to step things up

>> No.21832398

By "weird vibe" do you mean that thing where you don't view her sexually?

That's actually normal and will persist for some time.
She might be pretty, but she's still a psychopomp. Your brain might not be able to comprehend exactly, but your gut and your dick both know.

>> No.21832404

I have no holdings.

Everything is equally mine and not mine. Suprise motherfucker, Doakes is alive bitch.

Xom is very amused. This will be a good night!

10 litres of icecream on the top of the heads of everyone living in Manhattan.

>> No.21832406


Well, I think it is. But it's not a romantic relationship.


how do I put this?

Something- that is older than the hills themselves- has started calling me "daddy".

I'm pretty sure my sanity hasn't been affected, this is just very weird.

Kind of a long story.

>> No.21832418

She said its just a good drink for the mind. It tastes how curiosity smells.

>> No.21832431

Like faintly wafting vaporized ozone? Like when a laser printer runs for a long time? Man, I love that smell.

>> No.21832440

Fuck if I know.

The good news is, she's calmed down now. All I had to do was promise that we'll be having sushi tonight.

Seriously, for anyone considering a relationship like this? It helps when you both enjoy the same foods. Mmm...Seafood...

>> No.21832441

so some ancient creature thinks it's your kid?
go on

>> No.21832442

Yeah, that. She's nice enough, good sense of humor as well. She says I'm good at comprehending the incomprehensible.

>> No.21832443


I'm not even supposed to do this shit. I'm the God of Chaos. I'm not supposed to take care of the fate of this world, but stay the fuck away from the hills, or I'll turn you in a HP regenerator, send you to the Abyss where you can be the eternal foodsource of Steve down there.

>> No.21832444

You need to man the fuck up or she WILL get bored with you and dump your ass. Yes dragon girls like to be dominant but nothing gets their juices flowing like being forced to submit

>> No.21832459

So everything is and isn't yours at the same time? Oh, I've got an idea. I wonder what would happen if I set up a bunch of schrodinger's cat type experiments. I bet you'd hate that shit.

>> No.21832460

You do know that was just an exploitative game and not at all based in reality, right? I mean, shes not even pregnant.
I mean, Ive told her similar stuff before, but she just sort off brushes it off. Maybe have to earn my freedom and then reject it before she will take me seriously?
As for marriage...yeesh, thats a big next step. But you know, I think I could handle marriage if its with her. Or, whatever accounts for draconic marriage. Maybe Im already in a draconic marriage, I dont know.
B-But I'm not a man...

>> No.21832471

And she knows that's a big step, which is why she's giving you this kind of time. If you want to take that step, you'll have to PROVE that you won't leave her.

>> No.21832480

I have no idea what that stuff is.
You should be able to trust it, though. It's likely something to keep you calm while your mind figures itself out after what you've been through.

>> No.21832492

Yeah, maybe. I do feel calmer. I can make sense of what I saw if I just sort of accept it without trying to makes sense of it. Oh hey, she got pizza and rented a movie. That was nice of her.

>> No.21832504

Hey, um... I've been living in New York for only a little bit now, but I already have a crush on a succubus. We've been dating a bit and went out for dinner, but then suddenly everyone in the restaurant had, like 10 litres of ice cream appear out of no where and dump on their heads. Everyone started getting really pissed and blaming her for daemonic magic. Uh, needless to say, she got pissed... some people got scorch marks. The cops let her off with a warning. But anyways - is anger management usually an issue with Daemonics? Am I in any danger? And... I mean, I'm fairly sure she didn't do it, but is dropping 10 litres of ice cream on peoples heads within a massive radius part of Daemonic magic.

>> No.21832510

Here, let's try to help you formulate an idea to dominating her at something. Take, like, a character sheet, okay? Look at all the stats on the sheet. Strength, dexterity, and et cetera. Now, I want you to pick the one you think she'd be lowest in, and then give us a reason why. If we take advantage of her shortcomings it will make this more feasible.

Actually, is she physically sensitive? Ticklish? I know this sounds extremely immature, but just forcing her to ask you to yield might be good enough to prove some form of dominance.

>> No.21832513

That was Xom. He does that sometimes. As for the anger management, its probably pent up frustration from a lifetime of being accused of being responsible for every little inconvenience that befalls the people around her

>> No.21832515

You date now.

Try not to goof up too bad, you might be feeling a little emotionally detached and/or a bit slow on the uptake for a while.

>> No.21832521

>Maybe I'm already in a draconic marriage
No, you're a favoured possession.
>Maybe have to earn my freedom and then reject it before she will take me seriously?
Sounds good. I probablby wouldn't phrase it as rejecting your freedom, though. Rather using your freedom to stay with her.

>> No.21832522

Ok. I guess. I suppose I'll just have to go with it then.

>> No.21832525


Okay, so at the start of this year I moved into a really nice house near the mountains in the countryside. The area is very old, not old-fashioned old, geologically old. But the house was nice, there weren't any dangerous animals or monsters in the area, and it was close by to a small town where my brother's family lived so I could visit his family. I'm an astronomer, by the way.

So I moved in, and things were great. You could see the ocean, the winds were lovely, the sky clear, and the house warm and cozy. It was a lovely place.

Then the light showed up. It was a greenish orb that sort of drifted about on the edge of my perception. A few times I saw it directly but it didn't do much more than observe me. I was a bit freaked, but figured it was a sprite or phantasm or something and didn't worry about it.

Then one day I was sitting on the porch when the light appeared, and it stared at my cup of tea like it was the strangest thing ever. Then it looked at me and started talking telepathically.

"I am Xexenethoth of Lumruqi, spawn of Lothukurr" it said. I was bemused, but talked back. Basically, the orb was a psychic probe that belonged to a massive ever-morphing bloblike eldritch creature that lived in a cavern underneath the mountain in a black lake. Xexa, as I called him, had been there since the planet first formed and had recently awoken from a million years of sleep. He was basically very curious about the world, and started asking me mundane questions about tea, bicycles, sheep, colours, and so forth.

This was actually rather easy to deal with. It's just what happened a month later that things went rather strange.

Should I continue?

>> No.21832527


>is anger management usually an issue with Daemonics?


>Am I in any danger?

As long as you don't do anything specifically to piss her off no. The nice thing about Succubi is that they aren't as prone to irrationality as human women, they have to have an ACTUAL reason to be pissed at you.

>> No.21832528

Get a blanket, wrap up on the couch, and quietly cuddle with an avatar of death. enjoy the movie.

>> No.21832541

Hey, I'm a girl, started dating a really hot celestial. I was sort of nervous at first - I mean, she's a girl too, so I assumed she would be all religious conservative about it. But in fact, she was the opposite - she's really liberal. Problem is she's like, radically liberally - she can't go a few moments without going on about "justice" and "rights". I mean, I really admire her.... but I wish I could get her, to you know... not ignore me for this.

And tonight... well, I don't know if you've seen it on the news yet, but the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas just exploded into a massive vortex to a dimension of unceasing madness. There were no survivors. And I mean... she had a LOT of conflict with them... and I'm sort of worried that maybe she did it... I've been sort of scared that she'd do something radical like this. How DO you talk to a celestial about matters of justice?

>> No.21832544

Ok. That sounds like a good thing to do.

>> No.21832552

Hey, I work for the IDS!

Long answer? Yes. Daemonics tend to have a few emotional issues. The fact that about 67% of them are here illegally doesn't help. Buuuuut you're probably fine. As


pointed out, she's not likely to be pissed at you unless it's your fault.

Also, she has her visa, right?

>> No.21832557

This is taking my mind off of potential virgin sacrificing. please, do go on

>> No.21832559


Full Celestial? You don't. You don't want any part of it unless they've fallen, and even then you usually don't.

>> No.21832561

.... Xom?

And yeah, I really do sympathize with her on that. I mean, she gets tons of "illegal immigrant" jokes all the time. She used to just brush it off but she's handling it worse and worse as time goes by.

>> No.21832562

You don't, they're highly irrational and completely convinced that they're 100% right. Is she an exile? If so, steer clear. Like, get the fuck out of there. If she's not an exile, you can debate with her, but don't expect it to make progress quickly

>> No.21832564

Not really, when you can materialise anything from nothing, that pretty much means that you're drugged or drunk all the time.

I have absolutely no memory.

So to be honest, if you give me a Schrodinger cat problem, that would annoy my Advisor, and his crew.

Given my particular way of going about life, I have basically 666,666,666 Pandemonium lords that document my every move.

>> No.21832569

The God of Chaos. He does things to amuse himself. Spend more time alone with her, or amongst people less likely to make immigrant jokes.

>> No.21832570

Yeah scrying didn't work worth shit all I saw was this

Does that look anything like where you are?

>> No.21832571

To be fair, I don't think the Westboro Baptist Church exploding was her.

>> No.21832580

How can you be certain? I mean, she got to the point where the church was sending threats to her - and she was sending threats back.

>> No.21832582

In my experience, celestials have a particular virtue or view that they uphold above all else.
My advice would be to simply ask. I'm sure she'd love to give you her opinion. In detail. About everything.

And don't worry about the church, we have reasonable proof that it wasn't her.

>> No.21832588

Give the celestial a logical conundrum about the human concept of justice. I hear getting a celestial to admit that they cannot answer a question about justice gets you in the running for demigod status.

>> No.21832593

Schrodinger's cat is an interesting thing though, even dedicated chaotes can't comprehend it. I've done some research, and they banned the experiment because you have absolutely no control over it. So, of course I've taken this time to perform the experiment. I didn't use a cat though.

>> No.21832599

No, no it's alright
it was a stupidity implosion, it was bound to happen eventually.
One single celestial couldn't and wouldn't do that.
It was more than likely and eldritch horror of some description

>> No.21832604

Sort of, if I tilt my head and squint just right. The whole place is like a kaleidoscope.

>> No.21832613

I'm kinda insulted that she has that little trust in me, but I guess I understand.
This is probably going to sound completely retarded, but that made me think that I might be able to get her to submit using a back massage. She loves my back massages and I know this spot right where her wings meet her shoulders that if you hit it just right, she practically shuts down. She usually just gently demands them, but I think if I can take the lead in that one aspect of our relationship, maybe she wont be so possessive.
>No, you're a favoured possession.
Well that's a depressing but probably accurate way to put it...
>Rather using your freedom to stay with her.
I do like that, though. I might have to steal that line and use it on her.

>> No.21832617


Yeah. I'm pretty sure she must be a Celestial of "freedom" or "civil rights" or frikkin "Liberalism", I dunno.

And as for the church, just checked CNN, they're saying there was an unprotected aloud reading of forbidden texts. No idea who would be stupid enough to have to read a book out loud. But yeah, its a lot off my chest that that wasn't her.

>> No.21832623

You see? This is why the adjusted celestials don't come down here any more. Don't do this shit.

Err, I'm not sure I want to know, but, what *did* you use?

>> No.21832625

Have you seen those people? They probably didn't read it. They probably ATE it.

>> No.21832626

We have reason to believe that a member of the Westboro Baptist church read aloud a passage of the Necronomicon. Feel free to tell your celestial buddy that little tidbit.

>> No.21832628


The first thing I noticed was that Xexa often followed me about even when I was doing things that I had already explained to him. I asked why he was followiing me about, and he didn't answer. I thought little of it at the time.

Then one week my brother called by. He said that he was going to bring his wife and their son and daughter up to my place for a picnic. I said sure, but then remembered that Xexa would probably be about.

So the next day I told Xexa "hey, some of my friends are coming about, they might be a bit frightened of you, could you try not to scare them or anything?"

That didn't go over too well. Xexa got loud inside my head and demanded that I explain the concept of fear to him and why he should listen to my orders when I wasn't his senior, etc. I managed to convince him by explaining that the family's daughter, Sara, was a very shy, delicate little girl who was young and fragile, and that "children have a special place in the world". He seemed to consider this and left.

So anyway, when my brother's family showed up, they had a wonderful time picnicing on the mountain. The kids ran about and played with each other, the parents cuddled them and gave them sandwiches to eat, and everyone was happy. Then I noticed Xexa hovering in the bushes out of sight, watching intently. I thought about going over there, but they didn't notice him and it seemed okay. Eventually he left.

For the next few weeks, I didn't see Xexa at all. I began to wonder if he'd gone back to sleep and felt a bit lonely for it.

Well, then he came back...

>> No.21832632

Its part of how her brain works, its an ingrained instinct. Its actually part of the courting process, by doing this she's acknowledging you as a potential lifelong companion. Unfortunately, its either you get hitched or break it off at this point though. You've got plenty of time to decide, which is a plus. Dragons are patient creatures

>> No.21832641

and? AND?

>> No.21832645

Something that according to my calculations has a 50/50 chance of being able to kill a god depending on certain circumstances that are now beyond observation.

>> No.21832652

I'm assuming it came back as the little girl.

>> No.21832653

Ummmm.........I'm going to go get in a bunker now. I want nothing to do with how this goes

>> No.21832659

You figured out how to kill gods with a proverbial coinflip? Let's hope no celestials are monitoring this thread.

>> No.21832660

My sides. Someone explain to me why this thread is only scored '1' in the archives.

>> No.21832663

I bet it comes back as a little girl, speaking with the voice of an eldritch abomination


>> No.21832666

the fuck are they gonna do about it?

>> No.21832669

Complain. Loudly. The might tattle on him, too.

>> No.21832673

Well, I think this is only going to work on Xom, going off of what he said about how he works.

>> No.21832678


You did WHAT!? I will not STAND FOR THIS! You cannot simply slaughter divine beings like a callous RUFFIAN! You fiendish devil! I'll have your head before the day is over and melt it in vats of acid!

Pray the higher Celestials have mercy on your soul, for I will not.

>> No.21832680

Ah crap, did you talk to Tenebrous? You talked to Tenebrous. Goddammit, this is why we can't have nice things.

>> No.21832684

Lost artificer here. I fucking love you, yes homo.

>> No.21832689

...Excuse me, but do you have your visa?

>> No.21832699

If I can slaughter divine beings, why are you trying to start shit?

>> No.21832701

Listen Hepherm...Hep...Heiffer...cow? Would you pipe down? Your whining is giving me a headache, I need to focus on my work collecting concentrated evil.

>> No.21832705


WOAH WOAH WOAH IDS Man. This is CLEARLY the purview of the Department of Celestial Relations

>> No.21832708

Start in the 7-11's bathroom on main street. If that's not concentrated evil, I don't know what is.

>> No.21832714


Why wouldn't I? I follow and comply with the codes of your civilization and know my rights within it perfectly. It'd be preposterous to assume otherwise, I'm not some feeble-minded demonic scum.

What you should be doing INSTEAD of badgering me is accosting and arresting that FOOL who would upset the deific balance!

>> No.21832718

I must say, this relationship sounds adorable and seems to have a lot of potential.

Here's something you may want to try.
Try being possessive of her. Do this along with asserting more dominance/freedom. This will show her that you're serious about the relationship, and will hopefully get you some trust points.
Be careful though. Like I said, this will tell her that you are serious, and will end up moving the relationship forward.

>> No.21832721

Eat it, bitch. I'm sick of cleaning ice cream out of everything I own.

>> No.21832724

Hey, I was here, you weren't. All yours, Agent Douglas.

Oh. Thanks! I'm afraid he's out of my jurisdiction. I handle immigration.

>> No.21832732


I will most certainly not, this is DISGRACEFUL BEHAVIOR!


Because your mortal trifling cannot obstruct true justice, scum.

>> No.21832735

I didn't talk to tenebrous. I used science

>> No.21832736

Okay, right, so. I admit I'm not the most observant of people in the history of ever, but, uh...

Some sort of bat girl thing has moved into my attic.

You know, one of those folks with the too-long bangs and the bat wing arms? I don't actually know how long she's been there. I just went up there because I was on a nostalgia kick and wanted to know if I still had my old blanket lying around, and there she was, hanging around.

I reacted kind of...well, I was surprised, you know? Someone had moved into my house without me knowing about it and pushed all my stuff around to make room for their own little hideaway. I was really, really surprised. I had a reaction. There was some yelling involved. From both sides, even, which is why I'm kind of off-kilter right now. I don't really yell much. I don't like yelling. It's really out of character for me.

The point is: I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but I would really like her gone. I'm not sure why she's here in the first place. She said my attic looked cozy. I guess that's fine, but it's not supposed to be cozy for her sake, you know?

>> No.21832737

Look, look, Mr. Hephermael. I understand what you're saying. But you have to leave the accosting and arresting to the mortal world - that's what the terms of the Celestial-Earthy Treaty state, remember?

Also, remember that "demonic scum" does constitute hate speech

>> No.21832747

Please take it easy on agent Malprave.

He just lost all his colleagues due to divine action.

>> No.21832748

True justice would see the eldritch horror lord of chaos answering for his countless crimes. And you probably know that, which is why you're sitting around bitching instead of doing something.

>> No.21832750


That is your own fault. I had no part in it and misattributing your frustrations onto me only makes you seem foolish and flawed.

>> No.21832751

All of them in this office.


>> No.21832762

I didn't start anything with you, you started bitching after I announced that I'd set a plan into action to take out Xom.

>> No.21832765


No, TRUE justice would be duly processed through the court system, courtesy of the Immortal and Metaphysical Legal Council

>> No.21832766

I think a certain kind of grace is required to concentrate the essence of evil in a small vial to such a level that the vial is constantly vibrating. I think it's approaching some level of critical mass right now.

>> No.21832775


I was watering the garden in the afternoon when I first saw it cresting the hill. At first I thought it was a lost child, and put down my hose and jogged over.

As I got closer, I realized the sundress and long blonde hair were identical to my brother's daughter, Sara. Wondering if something had happened to her parents or if she had come to see me on her own, I called out, but she only turned to watch my approach.

Finally, I got to her... and realized.

It wasn't Sara. It had her proportions and her rough shape, but that's where the similarities ended. The skin was pale grey, with weird lines that looked almost like indents, and what I had taken to be a sundress was actually a hollowed-out fungus-like tube that it was wearing. It had no fingernails or toenails and the blonde hair was actually white cilia that waved gently despite the lack of wind. The face featured a pair of glossy red eyes and the thin-lipped mouth contained a set of too-perfect teeth.

I realized it right away. It was Xexa. He, or rather, "she" had transformed into a simacrulum of Sara. Her new voice was kind of off and she couldn't quite pronounce perfectly, but Xexa explained that she had wanted to play with the children and be in a family as well. After an awkward moment, I explained that she couldn't just join a family, which caused her to literally collapse in despair. I ended up carrying her inside and feeding her hot cocoa, which she seemed to like.

>> No.21832776

Look, sir - if you do put such a plan into action you are going to be slapped with so many lawsuits that it will take a Celestial of Justice until the end of time to sort through them all.

Everyone calm the fuck down and disperse. No Gods are dying today, got it?

>> No.21832780


Over the next few days we talked. Xexa's observation of the world had resulted in jealousy of all the "fun things" we humans did, chief among them the ability to be a child. And since Xexa was a shapeshifter, she simply transformed into Sara as best she could to experience it. After I explained that familial bonds formed over time, and that she wasn't Sara because Sara was unique, Xexa became dejected, so I told her that I would always treat her as an individual and as a child if that's what she wanted. She didn't talk after that, just held my hand with her cold fingers.

After a while, though, I began to notice the previously wordy Xexa's personality begin to regress. She would hang about like a child and talk to me about inane things, show me how she could do a handstand, and beg me for presents from the village. One time when I was visiting my brother I caught her spying on Sara, after having followed me there. She was sad that she couldn't be Sara, so I gently did up her Cilia hair in twintails, bought her some new clothes and told her that she was her own little girl. That made her mood brighten.

Finally though, things have come to a head. Xexa is now mostly a normal human child if a bit weird. She says that her disconnected mind and her main body have become desynchronized, and that unless she returns to her eldritch bulk under the mountain tomorrow, it will disintegrate and her form will stick this way. She also says that it's likely she will end up forgetting her ancient past if that happens. So then she said, "daddy, what should I do?"

So yeah. I can either send her back to her dark cave and preserve her original identity, or allow her to slough off her origins and become my daughter properly.

What should I do?

>> No.21832789

What phase is the moon in where you are?
Barring that, creatures of that description aren't terribly common, so she might be an escaped/released familiar or a polymorph.

Use your words.
Tell her exactly what's going on. I couldn't tell if you want her to leave or not, so do what you think will work best.

>> No.21832790


Those laws work far too slowly! Think of the damage that could be done! A treaty won't stop deicide and you know it.

And that is a Miss, for the record, if I am using that term correctly.


You think you know true justice? Laughable. I have not been tasked to handling that effort, but others are. Take note next time.

>> No.21832792

Wow, so basically this has been a two-month long proposal? Thats...a lot to take in.
I might have to try that, though being her protector would be an even bigger role reversal than dominating her, I think. Then again, thats all the more reason to do it to show her how serious I am, right?

>> No.21832794

Alright, fine. I'll hold off on it for now. But if I hear tell of one more fucking prank from Xom, I swear to......something I'll open the box. Figuratively speaking.

>> No.21832799


I think both Xexa and Child-Xexa would be happiest by becoming your daughter.

>> No.21832811

Okay, Miss.Hephermael. I've dealt with the threats now. We can't have pre-emptive vigilantism.

>> No.21832817

Well, that's a difficult one. My suggestion?
Ancient Eldritch beings can be hazardous, so it's probably for the best if you allowed this process continue.
One caveat however: if possible, get Xexa to morph so she doesn't resemble your niece quite so much. That way there'll be less awkward questions if your brother meets her.

>> No.21832819

... Well, I see the situated is averted. For now.


I'll trust that your authorities can handle this then.

>> No.21832822

And you think you do? You're no better than humanity, despite what you may think. You're just convinced that you're infallible. Why do you think you people fall?

>> No.21832823

Look, if you have a complaint with the Entity Referred to as Xom, you just need to mail a formal complain to the Immortal and Metaphysical Legal Council (IMLC) in New York.

>> No.21832827

Ya see Hepheramael, this is how we get Fallen Angels.

>> No.21832831

I'm done with you insulting my symphony of life.

Look around you. You're in an oildrum.

In R'lyeh. Say hi to Cthulhu to me. And don't try to open the drum. The water pressure will kill you.

>> No.21832839

And how do you propose to get him to keep his word on anything if he has no consequences to fear?

>> No.21832840


Now, sir, the subject of "falling" constitutes a specially designated sensitive subject matter. If you have a complaint regarding said Celestial, either mail it to the IMLC, or fill out a form that I can take back to the DCR.

>> No.21832845

Quick question I'm pretty sure my neighbor is hiding an illegally gated succubus in his basement where can I file a report?

>> No.21832846

Ugh, Xom, look, now you're going to have to fill out the forms on "Mortal Smitings." Do you really want to do that again?

I swear, the people I have to work with....

>> No.21832853


Talk to IDS Agent Malprave or any other representative of the IDS

>> No.21832855

If you do lodge a complaint, be aware that it may take some time to process.
It seems the IMLC offices are up to their knees in ice cream.

>> No.21832858

Right here.

Of course, I'm net Observation, but I'll pass it along.

>> No.21832859


If you can't talk her into leaving let the police know. They have units dedicated to this kind of thing in most major cities.

>> No.21832860


Those of weak character fall from grace, literally or otherwise. I am not in such a category, should you be implying such a thing.


What do you claim to embody? Do you even understand? No, because otherwise you wouldn't even ask such a preposterous question. Do you also ask what fire knows of heat, or the sun of light? No, you accept it.

And so it should be for us, but no. We're just close enough to relatable that your arrogance blinds to our differences.

>> No.21832864


Wait, again?!

>> No.21832870

I don't have to.

Consider for a moment my job as the God of Chaos.

I cause, and document.

For whom? For me? Consider that. That's all the Council of Gods has to say on the matter.

The amusement I bring isn't just for me. It goes beyond me, beyond the Gods.

>> No.21832872

Surely this must be a work of the chaos gods, as I am witnessing a celestial revert to a very obtuse form of Ad Hominem to deflect an argument.

This is utterly baffling, as well as amusing.

>> No.21832873

Yeah, not going to work. Not here at least. I think I've figured out part of how you work. Neither order nor chaos is something that can affect you, because chaos can't exist without order, and order can't exist without chaos. But both of those things require observation, and schrodinger's cat is something that breaks the whole system. And if you put a person in the box instead of a cat, and cut off their perception completely, just for a moment, and the effects of the system being broken are allowed to manifest. This is just the basis of what I discovered. It has more than one application, not the least of which is keeping your power from affecting me. So, I'm happy to be the first being to ever say this with absolutely zero consequences: Eat a dick Xom.

>> No.21832880

Moon? It's a little less than full. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with anything, but then again, I'm not much of an authority. On anything. And I'm not too good at descriptions, either, so maybe that's on me, too.

As for, you know, talking...

I don't know how to properly explain it. I guess I'm just a little alarmed that she's been living in my place for some time. I guess it's removed the illusion of security, or something? I'm sure there's some psychological explanation for this unease, but I wouldn't know for sure.

Anyway, I did want her to leave, and I really was trying to ask her to leave, but...look, this is going to sound a bit off, but she made me really mad. Something around the territory of plumb mad. I can't explain it. I thought I was doing fine at first, but then she sort of...

It's sort of a blur. She sort of did that thing, you know, when you insult someone without insulting someone, like when you need plausible deniability but everyone knows what you really mean, and I tried to be reasonable but I think I got a little mean, too. And then we were both mean and I got so plumb mad and before I knew it, we were just yelling at each other. I had to go back downstairs when my neck started hurting. It always does that when I'm stressed.

>> No.21832885

You put yourself in a Schrodinger experiment didn't you? You fucking madman. The sheer level of skill and dumb luck required for your existence to still persist is something that would baffle a small god.

>> No.21832888

Alright, alright!

Come on guys, think of the people here who just want to ask romantic advice.

If you want to have a debate on Metaphysical Laws and Morality, please take it to another thread.

This thread is CLEARLY for mortal and near-mortal non-human/human relationships. Geez.

>> No.21832890

Must be the oil fumes getting to your head...

>> No.21832892

As far as I know it's been that way since Xom dropped the stuff on eveyrone.

>> No.21832893

And piss of a big one. If the situation weren't so serious I'd be rather pleased with myself

>> No.21832897

Funny you should say that because I still seem to be sitting in my office. I repeat: Eat a dick.

>> No.21832901


Chaos god? No, that sort of discord is distasteful to me.

But, yes, continue jeering and feeling so smug over it. I will not humor you with undeserved eloquence when I, myself, am met with insults.

>> No.21832903

Sitting in your office.

Oh, in that case it's a Cthulhu-induced dream.

Never trust the senses.

>> No.21832907

On that note, I'd like to offer a word of advice. Sharkgirl blowjobs. It might seen like a good idea, and it is, but trust me on this.

Nothing is more embarassing than walking (figuratively) into the Emergency Room and explaining to the staff why the head of your penis is missing.

I paid for the regrowth treatment in both cash and suffering.

>> No.21832916

I killed my ability to dream when I severed all sensory input for that one crucial moment. You can't touch me anymore.

>> No.21832921

It is perfectly understandable why you are mad.
She's probably not going to do anything different, so calm down, get some rest, and try explaining again in the morning.

>> No.21832924

I know that feel man. The Yuan-Ti I hooked up with had fangs and.... well....
The guy in emergency laughed for like, 15 minutes. Worth it though

>> No.21832929


THAT is this thread's purpose? Just how did it managed to veer so far off-course from that before I arrived? Good gracious.

I should return later with something more suitable then.

>> No.21832933

I'm not touching you.

Like I said, I dumped you in the realm of R'lyeh. The domain of Cthulhu.

I can't touch you, but he still can.

>> No.21832934

The physical embodiment of death wants to go camping and wants to share a sleeping bag. Should I be worried?

>> No.21832943

It started with a changeling that asked another changeling how to be social...

>> No.21832944

Just make sure it's an actual sleeping bag, alright?
past that, enjoy man

>> No.21832951

That depends. Is it your sleeping bag? No problem.

If it's theirs? DO NOT GO INTO THE BAG.

>> No.21832955

Okay, hey, no, wait. I'm gonna ask you a question pertinent to relationships. Is there anything that can convince a celestial to like a mortal as anything beyond a friend, or is that just the folly of mortal beings?

>> No.21832956

If I'm in R'lyeh, the rest of manhattan would appear to be as well. Also, all the ice cream on the streets literally disappears when I touch it. You really think I'm stupid enough to spout off how to make myself untouchable by a chaos god without actually doing it first?

>> No.21832959

No dude, don't get in the fucking bag!

>> No.21832961

For the love of god why!? I mean mermaids and scyla are one thing but a fucking shark?

>> No.21832965

She says its not the fucking bag, its the sleeping bag.

>> No.21832970

huh. did she wink when she said that? Anyone else that might've been an innuendo

>> No.21832974

She makes a lot of bag puns

>> No.21832975

Hey... uh... maybe this is a bit outside the purview of monster girls....

I'm a girl here.... and I'm in love. I'm in love with a God. He calls himself Xom and... well, I just work as one of his filers for all the lawsuits he creates... and I spend all day reading these.

At first I thought that he was just a dick god.

But reading them over and over, I finally found understanding.

Understanding that all I want is my Mistuh.Xom

>> No.21832979

Hey! She is -my- fucking shark, thank you.

As for the why, she's witty and beautiful. And we both love sushi. Any other questions?

>> No.21832985

Hate to break it to you, but depending on how politics goes you might end up heartbroken. Nothing personal

>> No.21832986

Why would you put your dick in the mouth of a being renowned for their teeth?

>> No.21832988


... I really should be more surprised by that than I am.


More than a friend? As in what, lovers? I should hope so, as justice, mercy, and compassion are all related concepts.

How to do so, I cannot speak to because of minimal frame of reference. Though deep thought, reflection, and philosophic study always seemed endearing to me.

>> No.21832989


>> No.21832990

How much more does she need to hydrate compared to a human? Do you have a pool of sorts?

>> No.21832995

So......do they have sandpaper skin when you rub it the wrong way? because that seems like it can go bad

>> No.21832999

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

The alcohol also probably had something to do with it. It was totally worth the trip to the ER. But, uh...Yeah. That doesn't happen any more.

>> No.21833009

Camping? Really?

Anyway, keep in mind that she is not the physical manifestation of death itself, but a reaper, a collector and escort, and just relax.
It is entirely possible that it's actually just a day job.
Unless she *is* the manifestation of death itself, in which case she needs another talking to about doing this sort of thing.

On another note, have you been tested for latent magical abilities?
If not you may want to, if the incident with the bag is any indicator.

>> No.21833010

Yes, actually.

Only slightly.

>> No.21833012

No, look, I'm not mad. I mean, I'm not mad now. I don't get mad, generally. It was just...

That happened, you know? That was a thing that happened, all of a sudden and without warning. I don't know if I'll be getting sleep tonight, anyway. I have some papers that need looking through. I was actually taking a break when all of this happened.

>> No.21833026

No, you don't understand. This is beyond mere mortal love. I love him as a man, as a god, as a concept. I understand him. I have started dumping things on peoples heads. It all makes sense now.

>> No.21833038

>inb4 Xom destroys the thread

>> No.21833044

I get you. You found yourself in a position you should never have to be in in your entire life and yet there were, dealing with it when you were least prepared to.

>> No.21833046

It's not really magic, just understanding. And she *is*. The Schrodinger guy is dangerous by the way, he really is still in manhattan. I can't see him, but I can see a person-shaped hole that appears to both exist and not exist while affecting the world around it. I'm just assuming its him. Makes sense.

>> No.21833060

I assure you, I am perfectly unaffected by Xom's nonsense.

>> No.21833065

What? No! My beloved Xom could not have failed! Where is he? I will destroy him... for you, Xom...

>> No.21833070


This would be adorable if it wasn't going to end so badly. Sort of like a train wreck in slow motion.

>> No.21833071

Yeah, you really need to get checked out for latent magical talent

>> No.21833080

Anyone have any last tips for me before I go face a dragon?

>> No.21833082



No, stop that this instant! Do I have to get out my smiting sword for this, or will you submit to due process and local authorities?

>> No.21833084

And STDs.

...Just saying.

>> No.21833092

Speak the truth, she's driven by instinct on how to court, but she won't bite your head off

>> No.21833094

If things go south, start tickling her. Tickle her until she's begging you to stop. Last ditch effort.

>> No.21833099

That's because you're now affected by the nonsense of the Elder Gods.

>> No.21833100

Don't make dragon-slaying innuendos. They don't work, and I have the burns to prove it.

>> No.21833116

I haven't had sex with her. Things aren't at that point yet. The last person to look in the bag went insane immediately, right? I'm trying to weigh the consequences of pursuing this relationship.

>> No.21833120


Who the heck are you?

Oh. I get it. You're trying to make me stop going after Mistah Xom - so YOU can get him!

It's on, bitch.

>> No.21833124

That includes dragon laying.
It's nearly as cheesy as asking the celestial if heaven is missing an angel.
Or telling the arm elemental from the elemental plane of arms that it seems handy

>> No.21833127

Yeah. I mean, or something like that, at least.

Ah, the more I think over what happened up there, the more I feel like a real heel. I'm going to make a nice cup of hot cocoa and then go upstairs and apologize for behavior.

I still want her not in my attic, of course, but I'm sure if I keep to reason and lay out the facts I can get her to see things my way.

>> No.21833136

Well guys, got back from dinner with the Yuan-Ti. It went great, and I didn't have to sacrifice a virgin! Also, no Kool-Aid. I'd call it a net win

>> No.21833140

No, because I'm still in Manhattan. I never went to R'lyeh. I'm telling you, I figured out how to beat the bastard. Tell you what, I'll head over to the IDS. Might as well, Xom's the only one who would want to do anything to me and he can't touch me now.

>> No.21833145

Fair enough.
I honestly think the puns would do me better.
I think we've all been there before. Its always worth whatever “punishment” she cooks up.

>> No.21833153

and do NOT. under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER MENTION SAINT JONIASS. Do not refer to Joniass with any kind of title.

>> No.21833156


I have no desire to be anywhere near the embodiment of disorder. You are delusional.

That being said, I am within my rights to aggressive self-defense if you truly believe you can strike down a righteous being for fictitious and absurd reasons.

>> No.21833161

Not with her. I'm just saying, it's important to get check regularly. I mean, Hell. My current girlfriend is the first one I've ever slept with, and I still make sure.

But that's because I'm slightly-paranoid. Job requirement for the IDS.

>> No.21833166

Oh please, Bodacious, lord of the surf is more righteous than you. You're just a delusional religious fanatic.

>> No.21833177

I got checked last time I went out. All clean. That being said, I think the embodiment of death's bag would be an inhospitable environment for disease

>> No.21833179

Guys, I think I've been possessed by a spirit or ghost of some sort. Random parts of my body get cold or go numb and starting moving of their own volition, and I can hear giggles and snide comments from time to time when I get angry about it.

Is there a way to attempt communicating with this creature or am I going to have to forgo reason and seek an exorcism? Oop, my left hand just swing at my head. I think I made it mad.

>> No.21833184

Hey brah, bring not these ill vibes regarding our most gnarly benefactor into this thread.

>> No.21833190

Good rule of thumb is start beating off.

>> No.21833200


... Do humans seriously and honestly ask that? That's terrible! I feel wounded for having seen that and knowing it occurs.


You speak in colloquialisms and likely find yourself humorous for it. How sad.

Were I a religious fanatic, as you described, I would raise a vast army and slaughter all who opposed me. I have not done so, but humanity has a remarkable track record for doing just that despite such a tenuous and feeble grasp of divinity and justice.

In short, you're a hypocrite and sophomoric. Try harder next time.

>> No.21833214

Yes, because the westboro baptist church aren't fanatics. Don't need to murder to be a fanatic, just need to refuse to see any viewpoint other than your own.

>> No.21833219

Level 20 permawizard here how the hell do all you guys manage to find all these hot monster girls hungry for human dickings? I can't even find an interested human woman much less a nice elf lass or lamia.

Maybe I should just conjure something up like a lesser Djinn or maybe a Lillend.

>> No.21833232

Hey, I was wondering if you guys could give me advice.

I started going out with a nice girl a while ago. She is a celestial, which I was at first wary of. She explained to me that she was a Celestial of Humility. That didn't sound too bad - not like a Celestial of Justice, right?

Well, things went very well. And then, well, we started to have sex. And that started out okay as well.

But now I'm starting to realize that she is very quickly becoming very... uh....

Basically, she gets off on BDSM. With herself being submissive. Now, I'm sure lots of you are laughing and saying that is awesome, but its starting to unnerve me.

It started with, you know, her begging me to spank her and say she was a bad girl. Fair enough. Then she started listing off "bad" things she had done (Left the toilet seat down, been 5 minutes late to work, handed in a report a day late) and demanding more and more punishment for it. It's getting to the point that last night she was upset when I didn't "Take the lash to her weak, filthy, unworthy body"

I really do care for her... but I think she's becoming addicted to this and I'm becoming a little worried about her. Is this normal for celestials - to be so obsessed?

>> No.21833234

are you a wizard or a WIIIIZZAAAAAAAARD? If its the second, yeah just conjure something. If its the first, just fit in to society a little more, tone down the wizard thing a bit and just talk to people

>> No.21833239

Well, technically they aren't fanatics anymore.

Technically they aren't anything at all anymore.

>> No.21833245

Put on your Wizard Robes and Hat. No lady will be able to resist you.

>> No.21833251

If they say they are a celestial of X, they are completely obsessed with X. That kind of celestial is crazy as a fucking loon. They will devote their entire being to that concept. Its not something that's related to their species, but rather their religion. There's perfectly normal ones that realize that they're people, but they tend to be heavily ostracized by orthodox celestials

>> No.21833253

You know what I meant.

>> No.21833259


I'll consider it the moment you start being right instead of woefully ill-informed and indignant.


I shouldn't have laughed at that. Being a benefactor, however, is beyond my paygrade.


We all excel in our specialties and, well, um...

Yes, is the short answer.

>> No.21833265

avoid using any kind of seduction spell though, if you end up receiving sex due to it, then you will be charged with rape

>> No.21833273

Oh, my bad bro-ette. I was talking about our lord and savior Bodacious.

>> No.21833277

>Do humans seriously and honestly ask that?
As a human who has suffered greatly for it, I can say the one thing all humans love are really bad puns. We have to deal with getting kidnapped and kept as a possession of nearly suffocated in you guys' coils, and all you monsterkin have to put up with out bad puns. Its the Circle of Life

>> No.21833284

Oh really? Ill-informed and indignant? Do you remember Ephemeral, the celestial who refused to embody anything? I remember that quite well. She wanted to live a normal life, and look what you people did to her.

>> No.21833285


Bodacious is a genuine deity? But I...

Well, I'll scour the database a third time then. I should've known that.

>> No.21833287

So does that mean that you like roleplaying 'the torturer and the wicked fiend'?

>> No.21833292


So, Miss Celestial... is there anything I can do about my Celestial of Humility? Should I dump her? If so - how?

But... I do care about her. I'm REALLY worried if I dump her she's going to end up with some guy who has less qualms about hurting her.

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