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[ERROR] No.20335477 [DELETED]  [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

So, I'm going to be running a Black Crusade game with a twist. It's going to be humans only and far from serious. Imagine Snidely Whiplash, servant of Tzeentch tying sisters of battle to railroad tracks. Basically, the players are going to be tasked with dicking up the Imperium however they can.

To 'help' them they're being given special gear depending on the god they're aligned with (with unaligned as an option as well). The gear is basically stuff right out of Paranoia. It need not necessarily be good or useful. I'm running low on ideas but to give you an idea of what we're working with:

A jetpack powered by fear (either you cause it for someone else or you've just failed your fear test)
Daemonless daemon weapon(you draw it and you inhabit it until someone sheaths it again. On the up side, you can still possess your wielder...)
Diamond Encrusted Rhino Horn Codpiece:
You can kill people with a pelvic thrust but it'll make the followers of Slaanesh swoon annoyingly when you do.
>Other gods in next post

>> No.20335491

An airduster that shoots cocaine
A motorized turbocharged unicycle
Dildo Crossbow (which could presumably fire actual arrows but only a quiver of dildos is included)
World's filthiest doorknob (not attached to a door. Very visibly dirty)
>A mace whose head is a giant wad of ABC gum (definitely not sanitary but probably not deadly by itself)

>> No.20335503

A gun that shoots psychic phenomena rather than bullets or energy
Sword of Mutation (it's the sword itself that mutates and rarely into anything useful. It mostly just gives you the creeps)

>> No.20335523

So, now I'm looking for /tg/'s help.

Surely you can think of some items to give to my players.

>> No.20335571

Not one of you has any crazy crap you want to saddle my players with?

If they get something suggested by /tg/ I can return with a story about it later

>> No.20335615

Damn... most of the troll posts get more responses than this

>> No.20335621

The Glowing Phallic Chain-Plaguesword
This weapon started out as an attempt to make a better chainsword for a champion of Khorne. Unfortunately, it glowed with a mysterious light that later proved to be mutagenic magic. Khorne was not pleased, and decapitated the smith who created it, assigning another to "FIX THIS SHIT NOW". That second smith proved equally incompetent, reforging it in an attempt to remove the magic, but all he managed was to make it suggestively phallic in shape. One decapitation and demand for fixing later, a third smith, this time a follower of Tzeentch in disguise, took the weapon, which the Lord of Change was now well aware of, and dipped... well, and thrust it repeatedly into a few plaguebearers.

The weapon of Khorne, now a crowning achievement of Tzeentch, is quite potent, but unpredictable.

It may cause strange mutations, it may cause the effects of various Slaaneshi drugs and such, it may cause horrible plague, it may just RIP'N'TEAR.

>> No.20335670

I think I could find a place for a sword that uses a 1d4 to pick which god it's going to count for

>> No.20335672

I'd say your ideas are too god. I wouldn't try to post here to not embarass myself.
No, seriously, I like your stuff. Tzeentch is a bit too serious, I think, and that while he should hae the weirdest trickster stuff.

>> No.20335690

Eight minutes, dude; give it time, content makes a far better bump than "bump" and a request for interest.

RPC - Rocket Propelled Chainsaw. It's slow to reload, it's unwieldy, the ammo is hard to come by and hard to make... but it's a rocket propelled chainsaw launcher.

>> No.20335705

High Pressure Blood cannon, fire your own pressurized blood!
Khorne cares not from whence the blood flows!
Rubix Tesseract; no enemy can resist it's non-euclidean geometries, it compells you to solve it!
"Personal Tubesock", encrusted with the very essence of loneliness and despair, is there any creature who can look upon it without Vomiting with empathy!?
Mystery Bag; A plain brown paper bag containing. . . something. . . What's in the bag? What is it for? can you compell yourself to look long enough to find out? And if you can, will you wish you hadn't?

>> No.20335711

I didn't post the crazier stuff

One of the Tzeentch items is an ID that is so crazily convoluted you can't tell who it's for or even what organization issued it but it's stamped with enough Administratum registrations that you just might have access to be... wherever it is you are.

>> No.20335729

daemon weapon with a completely useless daemon in it who refuses to work.

daemon is voiced by gilbert gottfried.

>> No.20335752

Hell yes, the RPC is going in.
Rubix Tesseract is definitely going in. As is the bloodpressure cannon.

>> No.20335773

They're a pair of fake balls. You pin them to your clothing, in the right place, and they sway hypnotically.

Snarkbane. An axe that bites twice as hard as the wit of its target. When sarcasm, puns or cunning linguistic tricks are used on its target, it begins to growl, eventually activating and spinning its teeth without being wielded. It longs to drink the blood of the smug bastards who think wit is a suitable substitute for CUTTING THEIR FUCKING HEADS OFF!
>Side-effects include real-world allcaps and inability to browse the internet without cleaving the vidscreen in half.

>> No.20335803

Best I can to is a tzeentchian weapon who doesn't believe in being a weapon

>Damnit Kharn, I'm a sorcerer, not a battleax!

>> No.20335835

Snarkbane's going in there.
I imagine this thing is going to get used a lot on other players...

>> No.20335852


honestly, anything that sounds like gilbert gottfried is bad enough if you ask me

>> No.20335880

Heresy Detector - a modified auspex chock-full of imperial doctrine, it makes a satisfying "ping!" whenever something heretical is spoken near it. Useful for pointing out heresy and weaseling people into falling. Clever use of logical fallacy can force people to be heretical, after all.

The Book of Uncommon Prayer. This thin tome, bound in human skin (which looks like normal leather, y'know) closely resembles an imperial common-prayer book, but contains a variety of incantations, spells, prayers and general advice for life. It exacts a price - opening it requires some sacrifice from the person opening it, perhaps not at the moment you do so, often in the future, unless it's feeling sadistic... But when you do open it, you'll find something very useful most of the time. Trapped in a cell, under guard but not directly watched, stripped of anything obviously a weapon? It'll probably give you a Mass Sleep incantation, or a handy "Make a teleportation circle with two pints of human blood, an eyeball and some ash" ritual, or currently-unfixed bugs in imperial comms systems such as those installed in your cell. This is intended to be a "get out of trouble in an interesting way, pay the price later" device.

>> No.20335915

"Casu marzu Cheese" Rancid delicacy of ancient earth, crafted from the milk of a legendary creature called a "Sheep", infested with live insect larvae!

>> No.20335930

That shit is nasty. Even in the only country that it's made in, it's technically illegal.

>> No.20335949

I like them both and I did need more undivided. I think the book of uncommon prayer is basically going to give one spell and then permanently seal itself shut until the task is complete, at which point it will give one more spell when it's needed.

You don't HAVE to cast the spell but the spell won't change until it's been cast and the condition has been met for it to reopen with a new spell

>> No.20335950

Why would someone ever do such a thing

>> No.20335976

Because Italy!

>> No.20335984

The Blessed Chasuble of Sister Lydwina.
Sister Lydwina Profess-Thy-Faith-To-All-With-Ears was infected with a vile, slow-acting rotting disease while single-handedly fighting the forces of chaos on the frozen world of Cephi II Yskaeta. Unfailing in her faith to the last, Lydwina spent twelve years in blessed repentance for the slow, painful failure of her flesh before finally being granted the Emperor's Release. Because she was unclean, she would let none touch her. Because blessed vestments are holy things, she refused to defile any by touching them, other than the one she had been wearing when she was first infected. This meant for twelve years she wore the same stinky vestments.
Long story short, while Lydwina herself was a blessed individual, her Chasuble (think holy poncho) stinks to high heaven and drips eternally with filth. Any nurglite would be pleased at having driven such a holy woman to voluntarily smell horrible for twelve years, and this chasuble makes fine armour... so long as you don't *mind* stinking like a twelve-year-rotting Sister.

>> No.20335997

Crazy damn Mediterranean farmers man

>> No.20336012

Because it's awesome! It's going in. And no, just because you're a follower of Nurgle does not mean you can ignore it tasting like stale ass. You just won't actually get sick if you eat it.

While I'm at it, I've got another idea for Tzeentch

>Book of Lograr
A cheap knockoff of the actual book of Lorgar. Poorly bound, badly translated, but containing much (dubiously) useful information about the chaos gods. It's even a signed by Lograr himself!

>> No.20336020

"Technically" illegal?

>> No.20336025

The Impious Imp.
A lesser dæmon and familiar, it mostly busies itself with being as heretical as possible. If you point out that particular behaviours are very heretical, it will do them until it gets bored and finds new heresy. It has various benefits, many of which it doesn't know about itself. For instance, the first time an attack would kill its Master, it and the master switch places right before the attack lands, and the Imp's got one hell of a dodge score. This is a once-ever deal, and the imp likes hiding in tight spaces and small bags, so the Master may end up injured anyway.

>> No.20336062

It's illegal to make and sell, and even serving, owning, or eating it is punishable by a large fine, because it fails in its ability to pass EU health regulations.

Sheep farmers still make it, and they still sell it, and people still serve and eat it. I say technically because it's hard to stop people from making or eating food, and hard to prove anything when the evidence can be gotten rid of that easily.

>> No.20336090

I like both of these

>> No.20336133

Knobbly Rubber Implement; The Prince of pleasure himself may not with certainty know 'precicely' what purpose this hideous perversion of rubbercraft serves; it's irregular surface is covered in weirdly-angled protuberances that never seem to hold the same configuration for long, and it's oily translucent sheen seems to shift through the spectrum of colours at a whim. It is however, near-supernaturally sturdy and quite heavy enough to inflict serious blunt-force trauma with
Glidex Super-lubricant; Supernaturally slippery, useful for getting in and out of tight spaces, even those it might otherwise seem physically impossible to fit; an invaluable tool for the enterprizing escape-artist, burglar or smuggler.

>> No.20336155

Would Sister Lydwinia happen to know an arbites constable Visit-The-Heathens-With-Informatory-Pamplets?

>> No.20336170

Hm, just realized I'm setting loose a whole lot of rogue apostrophes.

>> No.20336269

For a while, yes. Later, she convinced him that he should change his name to Visit-The-Heathens-With-Incendiary-Weapons and do a year's service as flamer-bearer with the inquisition.

The Kitten-Powered Bloodflamer.
Load kitten (or similarly sized, fuzzy-cute animal) and it's good for three gouts of flaming gore.

>> No.20336287

Whatever, I'm still using both ideas.

Current tallies for each god:
Slaanesh is ahead with 8
Chaos Undivided and Tzeentch are tied for second with 6
Khorne and Nurgle are bringing up the rear with 5 a piece

>> No.20336431

Helm of Anger:
Contains a full miniaturized vox caster, an impressive array of loud hailers but will only broadcast of amplify swear words

>> No.20336561

The Lunchbox of Phloagar the Phetid.
Produces, on demand, anything that would count as "lunch", but beyond its use-by date. Sometimes it's dry and unpleasant, sometimes it's unrecognisable piles of mouldy shrooms.

The Felchpump of the Gods
Nobody has ever seen this evil weapon work its magic. When unleashed towards a target, it will seek contact with them, flying unerringly for the seat of their pants. At this point, a field of sparkling pyrotechnics will surround the victim, whose screams of pain will gradually turn to pleasure. At the end, there is a strange, sparkly explosion. The target is now a daemon of Slaanesh, and will go off to find a new worthy mortal to hand the Felchpump and tell them to use it wisely. Then it'll go diddle a ripper swarm or something. The key to this item is "Oh, god, players, you'd better be glad you can't see what's going on... jeez, it's bad even for slaaneshi standards!"

>> No.20336721

More Familiars!

>Familiar of Tzeentch
Rafiki, the Refuter.
It's good at one thing - turning your arguments around and finding holes in logic. It's an infuriating thing to speak to. It's also a rather good scribe, but it uses this talent only to edit documents in order to point out flaws and holes in them.

>Familiar of Slaanesh
The Pleasure Hive.
It's like a beehive, but covered in orifices instead of holes. It still fires out bees. It's partially motile, in that its bees can carry it. Bee stings won't kill, but bees are distracting. Oh, and the honey smells sooooo good. You want to get some out, eat it, rub it on yourself... oh, who are you kidding, you want to fuck the pleasure hive. The owner of the pleasure hive takes delight in saying the word in a drawn-out way. Ple-a-zure hiiiiive.

>Familiar of Khorne
It's adorable, really. Nobody knows its name, but it looks like a tiny bloodthirster. It's about as strong as a slightly below average human, but it fights solely with its hobnailed boots. It can fly, and if you can get past the red veil it sees through to convince it to do things other than kick (or ask it to kick in useful ways) it's handy.

>Familiar of Nurgle
It's like >>20335915 but sentient and able to roll around.
Sometimes, you find loving messages scrawled across the walls in slowly-congealing cheese-and-maggot gunk.

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