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[ERROR] No.19600595 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

ITT: Fictional characters that would make awful commissars in 40k.

>> No.19600617

Care Bears.

>> No.19600645

Captain America

reasonable authority figures? not in my 40k

>> No.19600665

Mr. Bean

>> No.19600680

Drew Carey.

>> No.19600748

Darth Vader

Wait, no, he'd probably be pretty good. Aside from the psyker thing.

Uh. Uh. Jackie Chan?

>> No.19600833

>>19600680
>>19600748
>fictional

>> No.19600843

>>19600595
Khorne

>> No.19600854

>>19600748
Jackie Chan isn't a fictional character, chucklenuts.
>>19600680
Neither is Drew Carey.

>> No.19600858

>>19600833
You saying Darth Vader is real?

'cause there's plenty of incarnations of Jackie Chan that are fictional.

>> No.19600862

Black Lagoon Balalaika.

>> No.19600870

>>19600833
He could be the character from the Drew Carey Show, who was named Drew Carey and played by Drew Carey, but was technically a fictional character.

Likewise many of Jackie Chan's characters are named Jackie, and often share similar characteristics.

>> No.19600873

>> No.19600875

>>19600862
Balalaika would be an excellent commissar of the Gaunt variety.

>> No.19600889

>>19600873
why did you post Ciaphas Cain?

>> No.19600900

Courage
The
Cowardly
Dog

I win.

>> No.19600912

This si your Primaris Psyker.

>> No.19600932

>>19600900
But he would be the greatest Commissar of all times

>> No.19600935

Are you telling me that you don't believe in the advancement of science in the name of the Emprah? HERESY.

>> No.19600940

Fuklaw.

Even his name is stupid.

>> No.19600956

>>19600875
Oh, screw me, Balalaika would be alright, I meant the gunslinger girl. She's too psychotic for that even by 40k standard.

>> No.19600958

this fucker right here

>> No.19601019

>>19600858
wrong, all depictions of jackie chan are accurate depictions of jackie chan's life. Jackie Chan isn't an actor, people just follow him around and make films about his day to day life.

>> No.19601030

>>19601019
well except for those years were they thought it would be more fun to animate it instead of filming it

>> No.19601043

>>19601019
The best was that point in his life in the 90s when he had a completely different voice and was a cartoon.

>> No.19601065

>>19600858
>pointing out Jackie Chan obviously

are you fucking stupid?

>> No.19601081

>getting shot by his own men in 3..2..1

>> No.19601104

>> No.19601174

"Mmm... yeah. I'm going to need you to charge that fortified line over there. Okay... oh, yeah, almost forgot. If you show any fear in the face of the enemy, we're going to have to have a little talk. And by that, I mean I shoot you. Okay? Great."

>> No.19601247

I know a woman who used to work with the guy. More specifically she was friends with some Hong Kong director or another when she lived there and ended up interacting with him a lot. Anyways, he apparently doesn't have very good English in non-practiced situations, and is really kind of a bumpkin in a lot of ways.

>> No.19601267

Earthworm Jim.

>> No.19601278

>>19601174
Best Commissar

>> No.19601282

Stuart Smalley.

>> No.19601289

>>19600935
Are you kidding? Cave Johnson would be an awesome Commissar. He'd burn down his enemies. WITH LEMONS.

>> No.19601291

>>19601278
>falls to Slaanesh worship almost immediately

>> No.19601301

Wait...would a human who is made out of bubblegum be a xeno, a mutant, or a strange human?

>> No.19601326

>>19601301

Yes, whats to be made of this Bubblegum Crisis?

>> No.19601338

>>19600665

Are you serious? The man might be crazy, but at the end of the episode you know everything would comically fall into place (except during the first episode)

>> No.19601351

>>19601301
She isn't a human made out of bubble-gum.

She's a Candy Creature with some human DNA.

>> No.19601360

>> No.19601368

Chucky Finster
Pinky Pie
Optimus prime
Parasoul
Peacock
Ultimate Warrior
Goku
Sailor Moon
Xeno

>> No.19601378

Best. Commissar. Ever.

>> No.19601397

>>19600956
Oh, Revy?

Too irresponsible and too unstable. Dangerously psychotic.

>> No.19601423

>>19601278
>Cocaine is my good
So that's where Doomrider went

>> No.19601424

>>19601282
underage kids don't know who this is

>> No.19601468

>>19601043
>>19601030
The cartoon was just an animated retelling of something he actually did, the dragon guy, the talismans, all that shit's legit.

>> No.19601476

>>19601368
>Ultimate Warrior
>Not filling the spaceship with the rocket fuel.
>mfw

>> No.19601485

>>19601423
No no no. That's who BECAME Doomrider.

>> No.19601486

>>19600595
Spongebob

>> No.19601487

>>19601368

>Chuckie Finster
Have you ever seen chuck fu?
>Pinkie Pie
Pinky Sense, Nuff said.
>Optimus Prime
He's a pansy, but that's nothing the adeptus mechanicus can't fix.
>Parasoul
Be a good leader, would get corrupted, though.
>Peacock
Favorite of the adeptus, leader of insanity, the true hero man needs.
>Ultimate Warrior
Skronk.
>Goku
He blows up planets. He's exterminatus on a stick.
>Sailor Moon
She destroys monsters, she's good.
>Xeno
Too cute not to be one.

>> No.19601496

>> No.19601526

>>19601485
Truly, he is eternal. Also, greetings from the thread about the new allies. I'm the guy who suggested grabbing some DE and tweaking them to look less edgy.

>> No.19601571

>>19601496
In the grim, dark future, there is only compassion.

>> No.19601615

>>19601496
Fuck, beat me to it.

>> No.19601618

>> No.19601631

>>19601618
Oh god yes.

>> No.19601670

>>19601487
>Optimus Prime
>pansy

>> No.19601683

how about this guy

>> No.19601703

>>19601683
Somehow, I feel that Spiderman would be impossible for Chaos to corrupt. The fact that he's an immortal ninja would make him the greatest commissar of all time.

>> No.19601739

Xena, the warrior princess

>> No.19601750

>spiderman
you know he is an immortal ninja so i believe you know his name, why did you mention spiderman? or did you just go full retard for a second there

>> No.19601758

>>19601750
It was a spin on the "Nigga that ain't Spiderman it's Deadpool" joke.

>> No.19601763

fuck, this
>>19601750
was meant for this
>>19601703

>> No.19601778

>>19601703

>> No.19601793

>>19601750

My Little Fa/tg/uy Can't Be This New

>> No.19601809

>awful commissars

>> No.19601814

He'd win in the end. But no one will like him.

>> No.19601817

>>19601683
the ultimate warrior of the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny-YES!! commisar rogers

>> No.19601840

>>19601793
fuck I am brand new to /tg/, just introduced to 40k, what the fuck am I missing?

>> No.19601868

>>19601750
dif fag here, its a joke from co, i beleive it stimed from one of those "funny file name" sort of things.

>> No.19601870

I hope his troops love speeches. Cause it's the last thing they'll hear before they all get killed.

>> No.19601901

>>19600900

What are you talking about? They have entire books about Courage personified into a commissar!

You've never read Ciaphas Cain: HERO OF THE IMPERIUM?

>> No.19601919

i won?

>> No.19601926

>> No.19601928

This guy right here.
There is just something off about him.

>> No.19601929

>>19601919
>Enemy has her cornered in a hopeless ambush
>Proceeds to whip a titan out of her backpack
DORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

>> No.19601948

>>19601926
i see your charlie sheen and raise you one clint eastwood

>> No.19601950

>>19601926
He'd be great. He'd lead his troops from the front.
And he could deal with an entire battalion of Slaash troops himself.

>> No.19601958

>>19601948
The topic is awful commissars, not fucking awesome commissars.

>> No.19601972

>>19601948

We said awful commissars. Clint Eastwood would make an excellant commissar.

>> No.19601973

>>19601950
He's Slaanesh's walking posterboy.

>> No.19601984

>>19601670

To a Space Marine? Yeah. he's a xeno loving pansy till they bring him into the light of the imperium.

>> No.19601994

>> No.19601995

>>19601928
I think , fuck it i know for certain that he isnt a man he's [tghasnospoilers] UNDERAGE [tghasnospoilers]

>> No.19602013

>>19601919

CHAOS NO CORRUPTING, CHAOS NO CORRUPTING, CHAOS NO CORRUPTING!

>> No.19602016

Viserys or Daenerys

>> No.19602019

>>19601958
oh fuck i lost track of what the fuck i was doing

>> No.19602042

>> No.19602046

>>19601984
DUDES! WHAT IF WE TOOK OPTIMUS PRIME AND MADE HIM SOME KIND OF CRAZY NECRON KILLING MACHINE THAT WAS ACCIDENTALLY HELPING HUMANS?
AND MADE HIM BROS WITH THE IRON GIANT WHO IS A CRAZY MURDER BOT TOO?

>> No.19602047

>>19602013
Her guardsmen fight not out of fear, but out of an overwhelming need to protect her purity.

>> No.19602058

>>19601840

>> No.19602059

>>19601928
How pathetic. Your bolter rounds can't even penetrate my shirt.

>> No.19602064

>> No.19602080

>>19602047
Dora is now best commissar

>> No.19602082

>>19601973
guys.
hear this.
it's a good one.
The slaanesh 3.
>DoomRider
>snow flame
>charlie sheen
They fight crime.

>> No.19602116

>>19602080

Her entire group is psykers.

>> No.19602128

>>19601174
"Yeah, I'm gonna need you to come in on...Emperor's Day."

>> No.19602130

>>19602080
/r/ing Dora the Purest Commissar

>> No.19602133

>>19602013
Aw Man

>> No.19602165

I don't even have to say anything.

>> No.19602170

Would commit to rage filled executions at first opportunity but would have a visit from the inquisition for loudly bumbling about his "ruined schemes"

>> No.19602171

>>19602165

he turns into a giant rage monster. he's fine.

>> No.19602180

>>19602133
I love Cultist-chan

>> No.19602183

>>19601928
I've been meaning to ask you something Commissar Mechazawa...
I know that since you entered our regiment we've been more sucesfull than ever, but i, and the boys, have been meaning to say this since we met you but never had the courage to tell this

[whynospoilersmod]You have a really long face sir[/why?]

>> No.19602217

>> No.19602227

>>19602130
No. Still goes to Courage.

>> No.19602265

>>19601104

The first duty of every Imperial officer is to the Emperor, whether it's worshiping the Emperor or fighting for the Emperor or dying for Him! It is the guiding principle on which the Imperial Guard is based! And if you can't find it within yourself to stand up and die for the Emperor, you don't deserve to wear that uniform! I'm going to make this simple for you, Crusher: Either you go forward and shoot those Tyranids, or I will shoot you myself.


No, actually, that kind of sucked. I'm not very good at this.

>> No.19602269

>>19602183
How dare you.

>> No.19602278

>>19602265
If it means anything I thought it was fine.

>> No.19602280

>>19601301

That just a fan interpretion of my favorite german speaking scientist royality or something more actually in the series

>> No.19602310

>>19602227
SWIPER! NO SWIPING!

>> No.19602322

>>19602278

Thanks, anon. As I changed more and more lines, I wasn't sure how recognizable it would be in the end

>> No.19602342

>>19601928
My god...you're a ro...ro...ro-ro-ro-ro-

>> No.19602349

>>19602342
Rice?

>> No.19602364

>>19602342
BOT! RoBOT!

>> No.19602367

Harry Dresden. Theres only room for one wisecracking commissar

>> No.19602372

>>19602342
Rock star?

>> No.19602377

>>19602364
What?
no!
he is a total rockstar

>> No.19602379

>>19602364
I know we're suppose to be Imperial Guard. But to even accuse a friend of something like that is just going too far man.

>> No.19602396

>Fictional characters that would make awful commissars in 40k.

>> No.19602410

Good Morning, men!
My name is Commissar Lassard, and I will be your commanding officer.
Those found wanting in their faith to the Emperor will be shot. That is very, VERY heretical.

>> No.19602447

>> No.19602472

>>19602447
he trips in the imperial sanctum, rolls, crashes into the golden throne...

And it starts.

>> No.19602505

i consider myself to be a top grade commissar, in fact i'm certain no guardsmen can go to war without me on his side to encourage them on keep doing the Emperor's Duty.
But lately something has been bothering me
i don't like the fact there is always another commissar who always surpasses me! His name is
Honey Boy

>> No.19602522

>>19602396

She would make a great mechanicus though.

>> No.19602523

I know she would win every battle, but only because she is an alpha plus psyker. She would always return without any guard left, mostly because she killed them all. Plus I think she would somehow become a chaos god, like in record time.

>> No.19602526

>>19602396

Inquiring minds find this to be familiar, and wish to know who that is/what that's from.

>> No.19602550

>>19602526
Gunnerkrigg Court

>> No.19602552

>>19602526

>> No.19602556

Worse Commissar or Best Commissar?

>> No.19602570

>>19602550

Multiple thanks.

>> No.19602571

>>19602505
Read the whole thing in his voice, I think I love you.

>> No.19602585

>>19602082

Is it really crime fighting when you're just beating up dealers with the intent of using the drugs?

>> No.19602602

Huey Freeman from the Boondocks. Kid would attempt to lead his regiment in a revolution on day one.

>> No.19602607

"Listen up shitbags: anyone who bothers me when I'm drinking or reading porn gets shot. You fuckers get all that?"

>> No.19602608

>>19602585
Well, technically, yes, considering those drugs may be funding a crime lord or something. It's usually random hobos that look suspicious, though.

>> No.19602631

"Don't shoot the Necrons... they're sexy!"

>> No.19602632

>>19602556

He would be the worst commisar, but he would accidentally the Tyranids or something.

So really, he would be the best choice for commissar.

>> No.19602642

>>19602602
Excuse me. Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make. The God Emperor was black, Roboute Guilliman was the devil, and the Imperium is lying about Ocularis Terribus. Thank you for your time and good night.

>> No.19602686

>>19602571
Well to be a Good Commissar i have to found out why so many guardsmen always fall to chaos
so i bought the Cultist Book AND a bunch of Chaos Cult Items.
I've got to find out why such a horrible religion make they convert. It must be something i'm missing!
I'm going to find out why this is so popular even if i have to stay all NIGHT!

>> No.19602700

"By boosting executions up to 25%, I think we can compensate for the negative loyalty modifiers we get from cutting rations in half and the forced marches."

>> No.19602712

>>19602686

>> No.19602733

>>19600940
Shut the fuck up.
Fuklaw is a damn fine Commisar.

>> No.19602748

>>19602556
Oh Empra! Not him!

>> No.19602770

Shaggy and Scooby Doo

>> No.19602772

>>19602686
I love you, I hope you know that.

>> No.19602786

"I want all the female cadets in swimsuits by the next deployment."

>> No.19602789

Mite b cool.

>> No.19602800

>>19602712
>>19602772

- TYPHUS, HEY TYPHUS

- what it is kharn?

- I'VE MET SOMEONE FROM THE WORK TODAY TYPHUS! BUT FOR SOME REASON I JUST COULDN'T REMEMBER WHICH GOD HE SERVED

- yeah happened to me a couple of times, very uncomfortable

- I WAS TOTALLY FREAKED OUT, I ENDED KILLING HIM FASTER THAN I THOUGHT BECAUSE I WAS SO EMBARASSED

- now that i think about, that was kinda of a jerk move, killing him without even remember which god he was following.

- I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE CASE IT ALL

- why is that Kharn?

- BECAUSE HE COULDN'T REMEMBER MY GOD TOO! HE THOUGHT I WAS FROM SLAANESH OR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW

- heh, that is just hilarious Kharn

>> No.19602813

>>19602080
>>19602130

Hola, children of the emperor, Soy Dora! Today we're going to go beat up those xenos on skulliest planet! But first we need to know how to get to skulliest planet! Who do we ask when we don't know which way to go? That's right, The Map! You'll tell us which way to go. RIGHT, MAP?

...help me...

>> No.19602823

>>19602813

Archive this shit.

>> No.19602829

>>19602813
THIS PLEASES ME

>> No.19602830

There are very few fictional characters who would make *good* Commissars. How the fuck am I supposed to answer this? Like every character who ever appeared on a comedy TV show EVER would make a shit Commissar, and even in drama/action it's rare to find this archetype.

The reason is that you have to not only be badass and brave but also eloquent and inspiring, AND rigidly doctrinaire to the point of functional stupidity. Most characters in fiction who would make good Commissars are either IN FACT SOVIET COMMISSARS (technically, Political Officers during WWII, but whatevs) or are devout-Nazi SS officers. People may cite figures like Chesty Puller but, though he might flourish in the Imperial Guard, he's more of a Catachan officer than a Commissar. There's discipline and there's discipline, you see--AFAIK he never summarily executed anyone under his command, much less doing it on a regular basis.

Commissars also have to have a certain element of pride about them. They probably think that they are selfless servants of the Emperor but one gets the impression that the derive a lot of personal satisfaction from being a figure of supreme authority and having the personal image that they do.

In other words, it takes a rare motherfucker in either our own fiction or our own real world. It would generally require one to be raised more by the state than by parents or "natural" community, and under a totalitarian regime that enforced a certain ideology very strictly.

>> No.19602864

>>19602813
The Map is a xenos artifact which shows the bearer secret byways and passages through the webway. Its bearer suffers from dark and ominous whispers, telling the listener of vistas of aching beauty and unremitting horror, if he or she will only follow the waypoints it sets.

>> No.19602894

>>19602813
So much win

>> No.19602901

>>19602823
Fuck you, just save the image.

>> No.19602906

>>19602830

Fuck, Chesty could've given a rats ass about the regs in the military. as long as you were good at being a soldier. Hed make an amazingly awesome catachan officer!

>> No.19602932

>>19602864
HERESY! IT IS THE EMPEROR'S GUIDANCE MADE MANIFEST!

>> No.19602957

I have 4...

>> No.19603143

Best Commissar or best commissar?

>> No.19603176

>>19603143

Not as good as Book.

>> No.19603183

What would Imperium think of Commissar Ball of Hands?

>> No.19603200

>>19602813
this makes me far happier than it realy should

>> No.19603216

>>19603183
He gives good handjobs.

>> No.19603402

Penal Legion Commissar
Travels with ogryn and ratling aides/bodyguards

>> No.19603722

>>19600595
Anyone say Jasper from the simpsons? I think Commissar Jasper would be pretty bad... wait no, he'd be an amazing Commissar. Hell get the hat, lasgun and coat on him and he's there.

Disorderly conduct of other guardsmen or officers? That's a heresy.
Staring at my hat? That's a heresy.
Disrespect of your Emperor? That's a heresy.
Pleasuring yourself to the thought of women that are xenos, heretics, or mutants? That's a heresy.
Worshipping Slaanesh or any other of the ruinous powers? You better believe that's a heresy.

>> No.19603875

Uhuhuh, so like, uh, I'm here to check the female guardsmen for signs of corruption and stuff. Ladies, remove your armor for the Emperor and like, show me your boobs so I can check them for heresy and stuff.

>> No.19604009

If he lasted any actual amount of time, the only reason for that would be that he worked in concert with another Commisar he was more afraid of than the enemy. People would laud his extreme zeal and fervor in charging straight at, and through the enemy lines.

>> No.19604103

>>19604009
Rincewind's gotten pretty damn good at evading the bad stuff by Interesting Times, though.

The Agateans don't know what a sprinter's start position looks like, for one...

>>
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