/tg/ - Traditional Games

So, remind me what Final Solution 54 is? Could be fun.

Brother, do we seriously have to use THAT?

>>18971062

Dammit, someone get the newspaper. One got in.

"Send a ton of asteroids at them?"

This is more idiotic than your last one.

>>18971075

But it brought ice cream.

The question is why we even bother with the Tau. They are a ripe bulwark against the any Tyranids that come in from the fringe of the galaxy.
Keep the common man faithful, and they have no way of worming themselves into Imperial Worlds.

Or have I been mislead, Ordo Hereticus, of your purpose?

"Force whole race into sterility?"

...Are you PLAGIARIZING THE XENOS!?

>>18971092
>They are a ripe bulwark against the any Tyranids that come in from the fringe of the galaxy.
And what do you think will happen when the Tyranids swarm finally consume them?
That's right. Tyranids with pulse and mind control technology.

>>18971094
No, that was Final Solution 32, this one is sending a bunch of asteroids at them.

Seriously guys, who made this fuckwit an inquisitor? And who keeps funding his shit?

... Inquisitor, this is a picture of your buttocks pressed against a servo-skull's pict-taker lens.

>>18971101

What if we ignored them in favor of the tyranids? Not ally, good sweet emperor's mercy no, just if a tau ship is firing on tyranids, we murder the godless xeno swarm out to consume us all before we massacre the godless xeno scum out to subjugate us all.

>>18971104
YOU HAVE THE WRONG FOLDER, THAT ONE IS FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

Here's the correct one.

>>18971101

The Tyranids would gain little, if anything from the Tau. They are a physically weak race that's only boon is perhaps in thier technology, none of which is any more deadly than the bio-plasma that they currently use.
As for the gained bio-mass from the fallen worlds, I believe that the Ultramarines are near those sectors. Send them a few more Cyclone Missiles.
Clear the dying worlds out and burn any alien on the surface!

>>18971116

I dunno. You guys claim to be experts on...taints.

Okay, I'z got me a plan, boyz.

We'z gonna get to dem blue boyz wit our choppas

Then we'z KRUMP'EM GOOD AN' PROPPA

This again? You want to pour more of His resources into combating this minor empire of the... what was it, Tao?

The Hive fleets draw nearer the Segmentum Solar, the Beast of Armageddon has escaped into the black of the void, and His brave sons and daughters hold the gate against the Despoiler, and you want to waste more time with these... things, fhor Terra's sake?

Throne brother, I doubt they've even encountered a a Fortress World. Stop this foolishness, and return to your duties.

>>18971082
>>18971092
>>18971094
>>18971103
>>18971129
I SAY WE LISTEN TO THE MAN!

I don't hear you guys coming up with Final Solutions for the other races. AT LEAST THE MAN IS TRYING!

Gentlemen, seeing as we are all in agreement as to the inanity of Final Solution 54...

Acolyte, hit the lights and put in slide 1.

May I present Final Solution 56?

>>18971143
The man who has come up with 54 different "final solutions". He could at least change the name of his hair brained plans, he clearly doesn't understand the concept of "final"

>>18971114
Isn't that our policy anyway? Kill the more dangerous one before turning our attention to the weaker.
We might even let the Tyranids do the work for us and destroy the Tau military before swooping in and cleanse the sector.
>>18971129
Are you giving the Ultramarines more exterminatus-rate weapon? Seriously?
>>18971157
What happen to 55?

What if we just withdrew forces from the whole blasted system? Start fortifying any adjacent habitable system, launch surgical strikes to bomb worlds taken by the Nids and lessen their numbers, then relocate a few trillion guardsmen to throw at the Nids when they finish eating these nuisances.

>>18971157 May I present Final Solution 56?

Oh merciful Imperator!

>>18971164
We don't talk about 55 anymore.

>>18971157 Final Solution 56

>>18971164
>55
55 was to send wave after wave of human refugees at the Tau until they were overrun by daemons.

It was so heretical that name of the Inquisitor who suggested has been purged from all records.

>>18971157
>Final Solution 56

>>18971133

Interesting thought. They are particuarly weak in melee combat, but the average conscript can't survive enough fire to get in close, I'd wager.
We'd need to send something as sturdy as Orks in as a first wave or two. Ogryns, perhaps, if they were plentiful.
What about a tank...that attacks in melee. Not like those walkers the space marines use, I mean like a tank armored to impossibility in the front, with, like, chainswords strapped to it or something...
Where's the Magos? I need to have words!

>>18971133
There's something off about that guy...

>>18971157 >Final Solution 56

>>18971214
>Talking about 55

In the name of the Holy Ordos of the Emperor's Inquisition, I dub thee hereticus!

*blam*

Returning to the subject at hand, I quite agree with this "Final solution." Let us hope, brethren, it fulfills it's promise.

Ordo Hereticus inquisitor here. May I see these so-called "final solutions"? I feel they need to be proofread by someone who knows a thing or two about heresy.

>>18971232
because you know. The last 55 Final Solutions have.

>>18971157
I-is that... no! I thought it was destroyed! Expunged from all records! All who knew of it mind-wiped, from the lowliest Enginseer to the high lords of Terra themselves, the knowledge only preserved by a few Lord Inquisitors so they could shoot the next idiot who suggested it!

>>18971243
NO, GET OUT OF OUR FUCKING JURISDICTION YOU FUCKING HERETICUS JACKASS. STOP STEALING OUR THUNDER ASS!

WHO EVEN LET YOU IN HERE?

>>18971157
>Final Solution 56

>>18971252
HE'S STEALING THE THUNDER ASS?

THAT'S ONE OF OUR MOST SACRED RELICS! GET HIM!

>>18971244
Well the last fifty-fi--- fifty-four were not proposed by me. I am confident that once the Tau realize the power of this fully armed and operational final solution, they will come begging to us for succor.

And we shall look down and whisper, no.

>>18971157
>Final Solution 56

>>18971252
Thunder ass? Anyway, I let myself in here. Did you forget what I do? Without us, who watches the watchguys? I just want to make sure you're all staying well within the prescribed limits of what the Emperor(may he watch over us eternally) would want. Do I need to speak with my support outside, or can I please have a look at these plans of yours?

>>18971157
>final solution 56
Emperor damn you. I have a wife and four sons. Strong, beautiful sons who love the Imperium and showed promise to grow into mighty servants of our God Emperor. Now I'm going to be executed just for being in the same room as you.

>>18971252
We had to cut the security budget to fund 48, remember? Hell, this isn't even a real lasgun, I borrowed a toy from my son.

>>18971133
Da Boss sure is smart

>>18971189
Oh alri-
>>18971214
Ah...well. I didn't heart that at all. La la la la.
>>18971252
The Thunder Ass? They keep stealing the Thunder Ass?! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.

>>18971284
OH LOOK, Hereticus assholes poking their nose into other jurisdictions again. Go figure.

Here's folders 1-54. Now go ruin someone else's day.

>>18971157 Final Solution 56

STOP HIM! STOP HIM HE'S A MADMAN!

>>18971284
I'm afraid you can't, inquisitor. These planning councils and their records are sequestered under the authority of the Ordos Xenos. None may know what has transpired here.

>>18971284
are we allowed to declare him Hereticus Traitorus?

Er, quick question, what the fuck is a "Tau"? Is this supposed to ring a bell?

>>18971300
SILENCE FOOL, HE IS ONLY SUGGESTING WHAT WE ARE ALL THINKING.

>>18971299
Well, thank you very much. Your cooperation has been duly noted. Your friends' are just as cooperative, only silent, correct? Good day, Gentlemen.


OH BLAST! Stupid rassum-frassum hat! being wider than the doorway. Uhm. Good day, Gentlemen!

>>18971320
Now that he's gone, I need to make a vox to a friend in the Ordo Sicarius. If you will excuse me...

>>18971315
Vagina face alien in the Eastern Fringe.

>>18971157
>>18971319

Yes! YES!

>>18971315

They're those vagina-faced short xenos from out beyond the borders of Ultramar. You know, the reason behind the Damocles Crusade? The ones that squeal in a particularly plaintive way when you vivisect them?

>>18971319

HE GOES TOO FAR!

>>18971327
One second, let me check my cogitator.
...
So, we're wasting time, effort, and resources on these stone age primitives, with actual xenos threats in the Imperium? Is there something I'm missing here?

>>18971048
... Inquisitor Abaddon?

>>18971289

No, this one is okay! It's only the one before 56 you have to avoid knowing about. Admittedly, it might not turn out QUITE as planned. But it's certainly better than that one Final Solution... in the thirties maybe? to fuck them all to death. That was just... heretical.

>>18971353
i think he goes not far enough!

such a brilliant scheme should not be limited to the tau!

we must wield it against the greatest enemy of man, the one true foe!

we must eradicate the squats!

>>18971365

*BLAM* HERESY

>>18971365
...[RACE EXPUNGED] was exterminated over seven hundred years ago.

So fellow inquisitors, who are human like I am as indicated by my mustache.

What is Final Solution 56 again?

I forgot.

>itt: everyone wants to be the guy to post what Final Solution 56 is, but can't think of something that would pay off all this build-up

>>18971327
I have yet to check the medical reports. Tell me, are these... face vaginas as weak to blunt force as human vaginas?

If so, I must ask why we even bother with an enemy that can be incapacitated with a single swift blow to the forehead.

>>18971157 May I present Final Solution 56?

>>18971354
It's getting annoying that they keep attacking and spamming the vox with their greater good propaganda. Might as well clean them out now before they expand the other way and grow larger.
>>18971391
They wear helmet.

>>18971362

Hey, at least we learned that Tau actually do have tits! Damnable hairbrained Magos...
I...uh...N-Not that that matters to me...Or, you know, anyone...at all.

Alright. Final Solution 56 is...
"Shoot them all until they're dead, then burn the worlds."

>>18971391
Wait..... do the members of the opposite sex have face penises? Are these just as viable a weakspot?

>>18971404
Exactly. Too many helmets to just punch them all in their face-vaginas.

And we all know how Final Solution 46 went. We're not going down that route again. The helmets stay ON.

GENTLEMEN!

I PRESENT FINAL SOLUTION 56!

We poison their ice cream!

>>18971386
>>18971365

FOOLS! YOUNG HUMAN FOOLS!

We did use Final Solution 56 once before. Only once. We covered it with lies, saying it was the accursed Hive Fleets that wiped out... them...

>>18971386
Final Solution 56:
Utilizing the gravitic mastery of the Adeptus Mechanicus, we turn the Tau's own stars against them, burning their worlds into charred cinders.

Then, we take these cinders and make them explode from within, creating the greatest asteroid belt in the galaxy, crushing their puny ships between the ruined wreckage of their worlds.

>>18971439
.....Can we convince the techpriests to do that for us? They're kind of..... extremely dickish.

>>18971414
That's fuck stupid.
56 if you read the slide, is where we take a fortress world. Equip it with geller fields and warp engines.

And we use the Fortress World to attack the Tau.

ITS FOOLPROOF.

>>18971414
I'm reading this plan over, and it's talking about how burning the affected planets will prevent the Tau spores from maturing and releasing new Tau Boyz ready to fight.
I think there's been a mistake.

>>18971404
Okay, upon exhaustively researching these "Touw", I've found that they are Minor Xenos Empire #3298.
[flip flip]
With the complete and crushing victory of the Astartes Border Initiative #7657625146023*a/f32, colloquially referred to as the "Zeist Campaign", these xenos appear to have been beaten back with their proverbial tails between their legs, having been shown the inherent superiority of Man, and a third of their pathetic "empire" reclaimed in the name of our glorious Emperor.
Remind we, why is this an object of discussion? We could be hunting the vile Slaugth presently.

>>18971439

>mastery
>Adeptus Mechanicus

Whelp, I'm off to go replace my mechanical ears. They're apparently malfuntioning.

>>18971157
>I present Final Solution 56

hey, Ordo Hereticus bros...... is it just me? or are the Ordo Xenos guys really, REALLY retarded.

>>18971473
No, no. We should be waging war against the vile Hrud!

>>18971463

That certainly sounds like the Tau to me. Or was it the Eldar? One of them has spores... I'm sure of it.

>Final Solution 56

>>18971484
>Hrud
We should be exploding the Eldar. The hatred I-humanity feels for them burns brighter than all the stars! Ever since that Farseer left m- blew up my homeworld, I have sworn to kill them as a part of the Ordo Xenos

Fellow Inquisitors, I think we were each given a different Final Solution 56. Mine got a drawing of the Eye of Terror on it. Very badly drawn at that.
>>18971433
How could we know that the entire regiment of Guardman have long term sexual stress.
>>18971473
As I said. They keep attacking and it's getting annoying. Once we destroy them, we can move the forces to somewhere that it matter.
Moving them now without destroying them would make it look like we give up.

>>18971434
You monster!

>Captcha
>$24,496 siumitt
>THE FUCK?

>>18971480
More Hereticus? What is this, the Inquisitorial spring picnic!? This is supposed to be a secure conclave of the greatest, brightest minds of the Ordo Xenos!

>>18971508
Well, Xenos can be heretics, too. I invited them along because I don't think these Toes worship the Emperor.

>>18971501
How could we be given different Final Solutions when it's right there on the slide screen?

...Unless...Quick, someone call in the Ordo Malleus. There is daemonic trickery afoot.

>>18971434
Inquisitor Amadeus, that's heresy! HERESY!

>May I present Final Solution 56?

GUYS
GUYS I NEED HELP

INQUISITOR LORD OWNATUS IS ON A RAMPAGE AGAIN! HE'S ALREADY PURGED 15 OF US FOR TRYING TO USE THE RESTROOM. FUCKING "DESERTION OF DUTY"... no pun intended.

>>18971498
Don't be so shortsighted.
I hate the knife-ears as much as any red-blooded human, but in the face of the ravenous Tyranids or the foul Cythor Fiends or, Throne forbid, the Necrons, a war of extermination with the Eldar is one we can scarcely afford.
God-Emperor bless and keep the Invaders, regardless.

>>18971525
Hehe..."duty."

>>Final Solution 56.
No. Just....look at him! He's about to castrate himself!

>>18971519
My bad. I'll take my Daemonhost outside.

>>18971526
But the Eldar threat is personal to me... and by me I of course mean the Imperium.

>>18971508

Is that what we're here for? I assumed this was just a formality.
Come for the Thrones and Sisters of Battle, stay for the retarded plans...

>>18971501 Mine got a drawing of the Eye of Terror on it. Very badly drawn at that.

>>18971546
And this is why our Great and Holy Grand Summits don't get anywhere. Your negative attitude. I should purge you on the spot.

>>18971501
So just send the frakking Ultramarines to beat them back whenever they get uppity.
They are no big deal, Gerik. Your obsession with these pathetic xenos is unseemly. We may as well fund a crusade to exterminate the, ah, let me see, "Church of Dracolith".

>>18971519

But... the slides are all blank. Solution 56 is on the handouts here.

>>18971525
>>18971546
>>18971556
Guy calm down! CALM THE FUCK DOWN! We don't need to turn this into Grand Summit of 500.M41, it was nearly a century before we recovered from that.

What if we made a titan..... but really, REALLY big, and shaped like a crab?

>>18971567
There's a reason I keep my Deathwatch escort for these Summits. You're all imbeciles.
>>18971574
You mean, a Chaos Defiler?
I vote to have this idiot declared Extremis Diabolis.

>>18971567
AHAHA THOSE WERE THE GOOD OLE DAYS, back before all this teamwork crap you youngins preach! Back then, someone disagreed with you, POP POP POP watching heretics drop.

And there would be no one to testify against you.

>>18971560 Church of Dracolith

>That situation is... under control. They are contained to their own systems.

>>18971585
Seconded, with extreme prejudice. Luckily my friend has returned, and is ready for another go.

>>18971562
Really? What's it say, what's it say~!?

>>18971574

By the Imperium, this man has got it!

>>18971556

No, THAT's why they don't get anywhere.
Take too much interest in Demons or Xenos or Chaos, and you get a bolter round in the skull.
Then again, 'too much interest' is up to debate. I find it's often identified by the Ordo Hereticus as knowing what the hell you're talking about.

>>18971539
Remind me, when was the last time the Craftworld Eldar actually WON, well, anything anywhere?
I personally took part in the purge of Draethus III, an erstwhile Exodite world. A crushing defeat for the Eldar on world, a crushing defeat for the reinforcements, and glorious xenocide. Then we smashed the glowing witchery on the world and it was settled.
Why, exactly, are they such a threat?

Hey guys, could you put down your boltguns for a second and help out in Hall 4a,
Inquisitor Drak and Inquisitor Ignis have both declared each other Traitorus Hereticus and are having a shootout around the punch bowl.. I'm fucking thirsty yo.

>>18971560
I'm not obsess with them. It's just that I don't want to move onto other matters until I finish the current one.
And these fucking Tau keep spamming my vox-net with "Greater Good" offer. The Tech Priest are absolutely useless with blocking them.
>>18971551
I don't know. Down here it say "For Daddy".
Which one of you bring your daughter to a secret meeting?

>>18971630
I agree with Inquisitor Rei on the grounds that in the crossfire those two have killed 6 of my Acolytes.

>>18971599

I... don't know. Mine just says "just as planned."

What the FUCK? Where did this fucking baneblade come from?

AUGH MY FUCKING LEG.

FUCK. I GUESS THAT'S A SOLUTION. WE BREAK THEIR FUCKING LEGS BY DROPPING BANEBLADES ON THEM OUT OF NOWHERE.

>>18971635
I thought you guys said it was bring your daughter to work day today.

>>18971635
Well, when the secret meeting's really a picnic, it tends to happen. Why, I remember back when my grandfather was an Inquisitor, and I'd get dragged along to these things every few decades. Good times.

>>18971630
Is... is that even a thing we can declare people of? I thought it was Carta Extremis.
And you honestly came to a summit without a drink cherub? I'm on my fourteenth amasec.

>>18971650
Well shit, I thought you said Purge Your Daughter At Work day.... Now I just feel awful.

>>18971635
It's cool, I know just the Marine.

>>18971630
...Sigh, I'm on it. Save some potato salad for me.

>>18971660
You know, those Black Templars can be really nice guys when they're not purging things.

>>18971635
Don't look at me, my daughter's that Nephilim who just defecated on Inquisitor Lichtus' head.
Family is the one thing I didn't need.

>>18971643
...So? They're acolytes.
I'm sure I have six spare if it's so important to you.

>>18971658
I feel so bad for laughing at that.

I think I've caught a glimpse here at why Inquisitors work alone.

>>18971672
It's the "when" part that's tough.

Shit, nobody move, I think my Callidus is missing. She's a bit funny in the head and gets like this sometimes.
Nobody make any sudden moves, because I'm not sure who she's disguised as.

>>18971686
While we're on the subject, is it considered heretical to force acolytes into gladiatorial combat on the premise of training?
Hypothetically, of course.

>>18971705
Time to find out
BLAM
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM
BLAMBLAMBLAM
BLAM
BLAMBLAM

Wait, I only have a Vendicare.... Callidus turn back when they die right?

>>18971710
No, that's good Inquisitorial policy right there. Makes em all stronger.

HEY, WHO SAT ON MY FAVORITE SERVO-SKULL? HEADS ARE GOING TO FUCKING ROLL FOR THIS.

>>18971712
Only one way to find out.

>>18971705
>>18971712
>>18971716
OH LAWD, ITS 500.M41 ALL OVER AGAIN

>>18971650
But you never bring your family to a secret meeting! Unless your family member is also member of the Inquisition.
Which I doubt any of your childrens are old enough to be.
>>18971652
It's a picnic? Now I feel awkward for preparing reports instead of foods.

>>18971712
Er, no. They don't.
You just shot Lord Inquisitor Laikos in the lung, though.

>>18971724
It's a working lunch. Just be glad you weren't one of the twenty inquisitors who all made egg salad. Since we only have one Ecclesiarchy-approved recipe, we have forty pounds of egg salad that need eating up. I foresee a lot of egg salad sandwiches in my acolytes' futures.

>>18971723
Nah, nowhere near as bad! I mean, at least this time we don't have rogue Malleus daemonhosts running around, setting toes on fire and such.

>>18971727

He has another, and an artificial one as well. He should quit being a baby about it and just cough up the blood and get back to the meeting.

>>18971724
Wait, you people seriously don't turn your children into nephilim? I mean, they're right there, perfect nephilim fodder.

>>18971724
If it's any consolement, she's turning really enthusiastic about killing xenos. Hell, she even wears play Emperor armor! Isn't it adorable?

>>18971727
oh well... I guess I can't allow him to declare me Carta Extremis BLAM, problem solved.

Letsee, I seem to have shot 5 Inquisitors, 7 acolytes and an Inquisitor Lord... Sure were a lot of heretics here right guys? heh heh... heh...

>>18971705
Wait, is she over there?

>>18971710
Only if _both_ Acolytes are Priests. Are seriously, who fields more then one of those fat annoyances?

>>18971716
It wasn't _sat_ on...

>You know, this is probably EXACTLY how Inquisitorial meetings in 40k actually go. Egg salad, poorly-planned Ordos infiltrations, shoot-outs in the halls, and everything else

>>18971753
>That heresy...

OH
OH EMPRAH
OH SWEET BABY EMPRAH IT HURTS.
THERE'S A C'TAN PHASE BLADE STICKING OUT OF BACK.
GET IT OUT. SOMEONE GET IT OUT!

WE SHOULD TAKE THE TAU EMPIRE, AND PUSH IT SOMEWHERE ELSE!

>>18971742
Support your local Sororitas Scouts!

>>18971742
I'm afraid that's heresy.
As a favor, I'll let you choose whether she gets to be a servo-skull or a nephilim.

>>18971755
They definitely go like that in my DH games

Everyone, I have had an Idea. Why don't we just use final solution 78? we worked on that for weeks and had no problems, It'd work better than solution #3 "Slap them to death with severed tyranid cocks". And we ALL KNOW HOW THAT WENT.

>>18971776
...Slapping them with severed Tyranid cocks even harder? That sounds silly. And humane.

>>18971743
Right friend... right... BLAM. I'm sorry, it was for your own good.

>>18971755
Totally Radical.
I mean Orthodox.
Just like that.
Right there.
Oooooooo. Inquisitor.

>>18971763

I believe that was final Final Solution twenty, six was it? Anyway turns out there are some warp storms in the way.

>>18971766
Why not a combat servitor or an arco-flagellant? Children are at JUST the right height to hit the weak knee-joints of enemy armor.

>>18971745
No, that's Herakles' Callidus. Mine is blonde.
Strangely popular Assassin, come to think of it.
>>18971761
Er, sorry about that. L-241-LA, it's okay, there are no genestealers.

>>18971354
You might want to upgrade your files. They have moved far past stone, and have pretty much skipped black powder and went straight to plasma.

>>18971783
Isn't 78 the Bears?
Because they're still pissed off about 23.

>>18971737
Ah I see. Is there a kitchen somewhere around here? I need to make something that ISN'T egg salad.
>>18971741
But it's such a waste. Better to use them in other service like infiltration or assassination.
>>18971742
Awwww she's adorable. But better keep her out of Hereticus sight. They'll try to kill her for heresy.
>>18971755
Adding it to my Dark Heresy game.

>>18971753
RIGHT, WHO UPLOADED THESE FUCKING SUBROUTINES IN MY SERVO-SKULL?
I BET THE FUCKING HARLEQUINS DID THIS. I ADVOCATE EXTERMINATUS.

>>18971798
>>18971783
Thats odd, I assumed that 78 was sending them against chaos. Did someone in the labelium forget to bless the printer?

HEY, HEY I KNOW IT WAS ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES YOU JUST ORDERED A DEATHWATCH MARINE TO PURGE HALL 5B.

WHAT THE HELL? INQUISITOR LORD JULIANA AND TIBERUS WERE THERE. AS WELL AS 14 OTHER NOTABLE INQUISITORS. WHAT'S YOUR AIM?

>>18971804

On what? we cant find where the harlequins are based, and if reports are true they don't exactly stay put, or use a planet.

>>18971794
NEVER trust the blonde one!

>>18971774
Fuuuuuuuck, I want to make this into a campaign now. Brain-storming every insane (but still somewhat plausible) thing that could happen at an Inquisitor meet-up.

I'll bet they have an official, Festivus-style "Airing of Grievances" where they sit at a round table and spend hours shouting about how much they hate each other, just to relieve the stress of always having to be so secretive and two-faced within the Ordos.

>>18971815
THERE WAS HERESY IN THERE, AND IDLENESS, RIGHT ON THE PIZZA. I SAW IT

>>18971816
>>18971804
God Emperor they're Smug, too.

>>18971812

That's 77, or, no 79 Its not likely to work anyway tests show the tau are more resistant to chaos than normal, and hold no interest. We can pit them against chaos fine, but chaos won't be interested in fighting them.

>>18971785
Inquisitrix Litkess, we have discussed the appropriate amount of clothing for a summit before. In every summit, for the last eighty Throne-damned years.
>>18971791
Too weak, can't support lascannons.
>>18971800
But Nephilim are so useful.

>>18971825
I can cure that, Brother!

>>18971800
Well to be fair, Hereticus wants to purge everyone for heresy.

>>18971815

5B? SHIT. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 6B.

MY GODDAMN BOSS IS FUCKING HIS GODDAMN SECRETARY IN THERE.

WHO HAPPENS TO BE MY WIFE.

>>18971816
THOSE "EXODITE" WORLDS, I RECKON.
RIGHT, I'M CALLING IN THE EXTERMINATUSES NOW, IS IT SIX OR SEVEN WORLDS WE'RE BURNING?
SHOULD THEY BURN VIOLET OR CHARTREUSE?

>>18971835
Litkess..?
I'm sorry.
You might have...mistaken me for someone else.
Dohohohoho.

>>18971519

Am I to understand that the Ordo Malleus is to be admitted to this room? That will be a serious breach of security! He'll see everything! He'll see the big board!

SOMEONE HELP ME! INQUISITOR AXEL IS COMING AT ME WITH A TESSERACT LABYRINTH. I'M SORRY ABOUT OMEGE 8 BRO I'M SORRY! I SWEAR I'M NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Hey guys... is Inquisitor Balor acting strange to anyone else? I recall him being rather lanky and pale, not green and musclebound. I think his Rejuvenatus procedure was botched, too. He keeps speaking in Low Gothic and Orkish.

About that Exterminatus.
We're having some....budget issues.
Yeah.

>>18971833
Well the tau want to expand and would likely attempt to eradicate all those on the planets, And I believe (IN THE GOD EMPRAH) that chaos would attempt to fight 'em off. either way, tau die or chaos is removed from a planet, its win win for us either way.

Malleus is here. Sorry im late. Pilot hit a black ship coming in. Its amating how hard those things are to see.Hope it wasnt one of yours.
Now on to buissness!
We are on Final Solution 67 correct?
Now I do not see why we have to fly a world out of the eye of terror and through the Tyranid swarm. Doubling back through ork space and then smashing it into the Taou homeworld would....
Ok im not saying no but do you know the logistics behind all of this?

>>18971856

If you are pure I am sure the emperor will guide you out.

>>18971817
Don't harm her, she's good in- that is, good at killing the enemies of the Emperor. That's what I meant to say. Yeah.
>>18971849
Dammit, L-241-LA, stop that.

>>18971844
Don't worry bro, I've already purged Inquisitor Lord Invictus and his Slaaneshi whore

>>18971821
Where would they hold the meeting? It couldn't be a hive world, the condensed heresy going on in one of those places would make the Inquisitors froth at the mouth, and it couldn't be an Ecchlessiarchal world, because a lot of Inquisitors do enjoy getting their debauchery on and it wouldn't look good to the church-dorks.

It's gotta be someplace either nobody cares about (because it's going to be a smoking wreck by the end) or some sort of fortress (someplace they don't mind repairing the damages).

>>18971798
For the last time, I sorry for trying to breed bear human hybrids. How was I supposed to know the prostitutes had herpes?

>>18971863
THEN FLY YOUR SHIPS INTO THE WORLDS, FULL SPEED
THAT'S AN ORDER
THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

>>18971875

Cleared space hulk.

>>18971875

So Cadia?

>>18971872
Hmph.
Fine.
Back into the Convent I go.

>>18971875
On an arigi world renowned for it's potatoes.

Guys, I found three Hereticus punks sneaking around outside. Needless to say I purged the shit out of them execution style.

But we all know how anally butthurt the Ordo Hereticus gets so not a fucking word, agreed?

Guys.
What if we gave an entire world a huge ass rocket thruster and used it as a missile?

RIGHT, WHERE ARE MY NUBILE XENOS WHORES A-
Er...
Ah...
Shit, wait, what year is this?

>>18971881
Uh....
<-- small tip off?
No?

>>18971890
Nay nay, PARTIALLY cleared space hulk. The upper decks are sealed off and cleared by Stormtroopers so the Inquisitors can meet, but the lower decks are left infested with mutants, xenos, or whatever.

This is to facilitate the annual "Running of the Acolytes," where each Inquisitor puts forth an Acolyte who unknowingly gets brought aboard at the farthest end of the ship. Whichever Acolyte makes it closest to the Safe Zone, his Inquisitor gets a bottle of amesec and thirty minutes with a drunk Canoness Promesca.

>>18971904
That depends, do you have anything to offer us for our silence?

By the Emperor that is a big board! I think this is the work of chaos.... yea chaos...
I may have to take that big board for purging...
Wait what?
Sorry I um... thought I smelled a daemon...

>>18971904

...Isn't there a member of the Hereticus here among us right now?

>>18971904
Right. You killed three snooping Heretic punks and not three Hereticus inquisitors. That would be heresy.

>>18971890
I like this idea. A cleared space hulk in the middle of nowhere. Inquisitors from around the galaxy joined up to meet and plan.
When sunddenly in the middle of the meeting the Hulk enter warp transit for no reason.
"ALRIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU MESS WITH THE SHIP CONTROL AGAIN?"
Now they have to survive against a never ending tide of high level daemons.

My familiar.
I make no excuses.
The God-Emperor understands.

>>18971898
I... ah... er... you go right ahead, I'll collect you later.

>>18971916
Isn't it heresy he didn't have them interrogated first for making it to our secret hide out?

Pathetic mortal human scum
I will deal with this Tau nuisance with my resources
You have but to accept my sovereignty over your dynasties!

>>18971913

I fucking told you guys this would happen. He saw the big board!

>>18971910
The Ordo Hereticus, when anally butt ravaged, may exterminatus this world with us on it.

>>18971916
Of course. As Inquisitors we decide what heresy is.

>>18971915
Nah, Inquisitor Frax exploded his head with a bolt shooting at Inquisitor Jeremy

>>18971905Brother inquisitor that is the suggestion of the final solution I was asked to bring. Please read it. I for one think it is outlandish and juvanile. I will volunteer to ride the planet in!!

Hey guys, does it count as heresy if it wasn't consensual? Say, if it involved an Eldar witch?
Rhetorically speaking, of course.

>>18971940
BLAM
I purged him rhetorically speaking of course.

BLAM-BLAM
He was twitching... rhetorically?

>>18971932
But, I'm still here, and you're still a bastard.

>>18971906
X&@#))^!!VV..?

>>18971940

Yes, yes that is heresy as well.
>>18971946
oh, I see it has been taken care of.

>>18971940

We will need footage of the deed to decide. Each Inquisitor will get time alone with said footage to come to their own conclusions as to the heretical status of the material.

>>18971948
Yeah I know, I meant to say you killed the Ordo Hereticus guy while shooting at Jeremy... He is still alive by the way? Jeremy that is.

>>18971946
>M41
>not bringing your displacer field to summits
Right, I have a body to flush into space, seeya.

>>18971955

Well um I think servitors count as alive, I am however impressed at that acolyte's conversion speed on that one.

>>18971949
...This isn't 482.M38 at all, is it?

>>18971955
Yes and I'm him, now you have five seconds to hand me you're badge of office and surrender for retribution, or I blast you with this plasma pistol.

>>18971949

BURN IT!

>>18971972
oh well let's see its right her- BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM EAT IT HERETICUS PUNK. BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM

>>18971953
Gentlemen!
KNOW YOUR ENEMY.
And I don't mean Jeremy.

>>18971953
>It's filed under the latest "Eldar Interrogations" in my archives.
There's no body and the identity of the culprit was censored, so you can't prove anything.

>>18971977
>Ducks under the table.
Time to use the Holy Hand Grenade.
Loyal Brothers recite the litanies with me.

>>18971984

I recognize the room, there is that distinctive slash in the wall. a Bribe and I won't tell anyone where it is.

>>18971984
*discreet cough*
I suspect there will come to be....many questions.
Yes. Many questions.

>>18971909
>Well met, Inquisitor Hayte!
And you, Lord Inquisitor Dalton.
>Not a bad spread they've got this year.
The egg salad isn't as bad as I remember, no. These pickles are good.
>The little ones with the toothpicks stuck in them?
No, the chips. They're tangy. I think I taste garlic, too.
>Ah, none for me. Can't abide the stuff.
Yes, Lord Inquisitor.
>Always had trouble with heartburn.
Yes, Lord Inquisitor.

*a bell sounds*

>Ah! Here we go! Have anyone entered this year, Hayte?
No, lost my newest batch of Acolytes just this past week.
>Sorry to hear it. Mind if I ask how?
Some Lictor on Burnscour.
>Shame, shame. One of my former Acolytes, Inquisitor Serrandus, he entered one of his under a fake name and rosette to double his chances, the cheeky bastard.

*screams from one of the monitors set up along one wall*

>Heh heh, much good it did him. Other one's Mithandra Fellitus, top-left there.
She's doing well so far. Goodness, never seen someone shoot a mutant there. Bastard had a lot of puss in him.
>Have you tried these olives?

>>18971991
here, have a live melta-bomb.

We don't appreciate hereticus around these here parts.

>>18971980
Inquisitor Amadeus, where did you even get that?

>>18971991
Our Emperor who are in Tera,
Hollowed be thy name,
Thy Imperium come,
Thy will be done,
Let this grenade fuck shit up!

hum...don't you already know the final solution 61?

Ah, well, uh, hello, people of whatever year this is.
Was that Abaddon fellow taken care of? I heard he would be launching a ninth black crusade. Terrifying stuff.

rolled 13 = 13

>>18972010
Rolling for amount killed.

>>18971991

A Holy Hand Grenade as handed down to His loyal servants by Saint-Brother Maynard?! THAT IS A HOLY RELIC OF TERRA! I DEMAND IT BACK!

>>18972011
I am an Inkwizitor and what is this?

>>18972013
oh boy, we have another Ordo Chronuser. What do we do with this one?

>>18972000
I couldn't possibly give you any sort of bribe, especially not chosen from some mythical collection of eldar pleasure slaves of various flavors. Don't even think of contacting me after the summit to discuss this further.
>>18972003
I'm sure I have no idea what you are talking about.

>>18972013
Been there done that, He's up to 13 now.

And then as it turns out, the Holy Grenade was a Void bomb.

RIP Inquisitor Frax and the 24 Inquisitors and 56 acolytes in Hall 1A

>>18971980
There is something off about that Necron specimen...
Anyway the so call "Loli" daemonette interest me greatly. Where is this subject contained?

>>18972038

Good riddance! To Hall 1A, I mean. Place was a shithole.

Thank the Emperor that the big board is still intact.

BROTHER ORDOS WE MUST STOP THIS PETTY BICKERING!!
WE HAVE A LIFETIME OF SERVICE TO THE EMPEROR AHEAD OF US.
HOLY SHIT DEAMON!!
*Unloads bolter into >>18971949*
That is much better. Now on to buisness.
Where is my hot caffine?
I think im getting the sniffles being around all of this heresy...

>>18972037
Oh. I hope he wasn't too much trouble.
>>18972029
Well, there was speculation that a xenos species known as "zoats" were fleeing something. Did that ever some to anything?

>>18972036
I recall a similar circumstance.
Perhaps a lesson presents itself, no?

>>18972042

About the Necron specimen, I concur.

However, I will require more information with this "Macha" character and a sororitas squad to ensure my mission's success. I'm sure there's room in the budget for this.

>>18972060
His completely hypothetical situation does not exactly apply to my completely hypothetical situation, though.

>>18972004
So it's basically Rat Race + Cabin in the Woods?

I'd play it. So long as I get some goddamned pickles when I make it out.

>>18972063
We already spent this month's budget on Final Solution 34 and pauldrons.

This conclave began with the "Tao" xenos, let it end with them as well!
BEHOLD! Their repulsive attempts at subversion!

>>18972082

Final Solution 34? Was that the one where we turn a Forgeworld into a battle-barge or where we ram it into a planet?

As for the budget, fine. I'll make my own budget!

>>18972085
ARGH, IT'S HIDEOUS. WHAT REVOLTING CREATURES.

AND ITS ARMOR IS SO INEFFECTIVE FOR IT REVEALS ITS TRUE GROTESQUE FORM.

>>18972085
Nobody cares about the "Dao", Odysseus. Go away.

>>18972042
Contained, sir?
There's a problem.

>>18972097
I think that's where we used the first to accomplish the latter. Pretty, but ultimately ineffective.

>>18972101
FINE.
I'm only the ONLY ASCENDED JOKAERO Inquisitor, EVER.
You.
You..
Double MONKEIGH!

>>18972063
Ah you aim high, brother. However you will have problem getting pass that Xeno father. The one the Eldar call "Eldrad".
As for the budget it is as >>18972082 said. We have more pauldrons than we have people to put them on.
>>18972085
UGH THAT DISGUSTING LUMP OF MEAT ON THE CHEST. GET IT AWAY FROM ME.
>>18972104
It's not here? Damn. I'll find her. I'll find her even if I have to burn down all of the warp.

>>18971980
I know much about the Damonette.
You know if you wanted I could hold a quick class for my brother inquisitors on how NOT to summon and bind one.
How has my acolyte done in the run this year?
Oh my he... he kicked that eldar in the oooh ouch.
Well at least he is crafty.
You have to give him markds on that.

I say Could you pass some of those olives this way? The grox tongue I had for lunch is gone.

Fuck you guys, it's all Heresy.
I'm out!

>>18972116
>I'll find her even if I have to burn down all of the warp.
Wait a minute... Have we ever tried just burning the Warp? Can we do that?

>>18972118
... we are not SAVAGES, Magos.

HERESY.

So, who's coming to the after-summit?
My star yacht, amasec, concubines, various questionable substances, and more. Last time we came to somewhere in Segmentum Pacificus orbitally bombarding some world, turned out we'd actually led a crusade or something. Still have a charred alien skull I don't know where it came from.
Any takers?

>>18972128
Don't know. Burning planet inside a warp storm work so I assume it must be possible.

>>18972128
But isn't there a plane in the warp MADE of fire? And should we do it anyways?

>>18972128
that's the ordo malleus' jurisdiction. We aren't the Ordo Hereticus, we stay where we belong and don't poke our nose into our equal's business.

HERESY

>>18972116

Gentlemen, I have come to a solution! I believe the daemonette and this "Macha" to be the real ring-leaders in this conspiracy against the emperor! They're the reason why the Final Solutions were ineffective, and the source of the Tau problem. Therefore, it will be in Humanity's best interests to divert all funds into finding them.

All in favor say aye!

>>18972128

I have some accounts here saying that the result is DEO. Not sure what that means, however neither am I interested in finding out.

HERESEEEEEEEEEEEEY

>>18972150

Nay, because your libido is not ruining my funding.

>>18972150
Aye!

>>18972150
Maybe not ALL funding, brother.
But AYE! FOR HUMANITY!

>>18972135
I am with you brother. I remember last time.
I can still feel the hangover when I think about it.
Remember how we would pit the bound daemons aganst the xenos threats just to see who wins?
Ohhh can we go by Tanith and get some of that good Sacra?
...Huh wait what did you say?
They burned the planet?
Is there anywhere else to get it?
Well holy emperors shits never mind guess its just back to amasacs.
Oh by the way I still have pictures of you with that damonette. Ill send you some copies.

>>18972150
>And so it begin. The adventure of two perverted inquisitor

Gentlemen, I think we can all tell where this schematic is going.

>>18972142
Oh don't be such a stick in the mud, it's not a bad idea in and of itself. In fact, we came up with it in M35. You may remember it as "Operation Buckwheat Buckshot." They still haven't cleaned up the crap-stains on the Navigator chairs in some ships, heh heh.

The truth is, we've tried directly affecting the Warp itself with various weapons and substances over the years. Mostly, it does nothing. Occasionally, we get a hilarious and unintended consequence. Remember the planet Xerxus, the rash of unexplained exploding heads in M38.228? That was us. Some nutter - Inquisitor Filius, I think - got it in his head that we could chill the hellish heart of the Warp with cool island songs. 403,000 planets with large populations of islanders were sent vox-units and psykers to channel soothing melodies directly into the Warp. Took us seven hundred years and half a million stormtroopers to hunt down all the Daemonhosts we accidentally created that day.

>>18972177
>>that's how it begins.
>>this is where it's going.

>>18972171
Ix-nay on the eresy-hay, bro.

There will be Eldar farseer filet, in case anyone's wondering. And there's this new navigator chick that... nah, you've gotta be there to experience it.

>>18972135
So the Ordo Xenos is both incompetent and competent at the same time

>>18972177

Adventure? Hah, you can't be serious. THIS IS A CRUSADE!

Call up the Black Templars and Sororitas, there's Xenos scum and heretics to burn!

AVE IMPERATOR!

>>18972191
Dude, I was so hammered I don't even remember when we called in the Deathwatch. Got some great pict-captures, though.

>>18972171
That sounds...exquisite.
I regret only that I have nothing else to wear...

>>18972177
We are not perverted! We're doing this for the glory of humanity, to find this vile Xeno and the daemon and to "purge" them is a cause as great as any!
FOR THE EMPEROR!

HEY GUYS NEED A HAND?!

>>18972210
Look, babe, I have it on good authority that I talked the Conclave into the crusade while not wearing any pants. You're good.

>>18972210
Well, I'm sure I can find _someone_ to put on...

>>18972226
<3
Sleep light!

>>18972135

Ladies and gentlemen, the crusade to destroy the Tau and capture the foul xenos and heretic leaders begins on this man's yacht!

>>18972223
I'm in. I'll bring L-241-LA, you bring those servitors, you know the ones I mean. Oh, and a whole flock of those cherubim.

>>18971048
solution to the tau problem... gee that's a hard one.
DROWN THEM IN DEAD BODIES!

>>18972239
I'M TAKING ALL MY SERVO-SKULLS. AND AN ATMOSPHERIC INCINERATOR TORPEDO OR THREE.
OH, AND I'LL GET THE MAGOS TO BRING THE STUFF.

>>18972189
Quite right brother.
The Deathwatch... I think I remember that. It was all quite a blur until I woke up with the two squads of Sorotias helping them *cough* purge and cleanse themselves of heresy. I need to give that Matron a call again. My Emperor she could do this thing with her tongue that could.. Oh sorry got a little carried away there.

>>18972253
Whose dead bodies? Theirs or the Guardsmen?

>>18972261
Fuck it, we'll swing by and pick 'em up too, I got a teleportarium. We'll get that confessor, too, they'd do anything that guy said. This is going to rock.
>>18972265
Does it matter?

>>18972265
since when did that matter to us?

>>18972265

Ork

And so the Tau died.
Not with a bang (okay, with plenty of bangs), but with with a kegger.

Hey guys, the pizza servitor is here, how are we splitting the bill for this?
I'm looking at you Inquisitor Thaddeus...

>>18972285
Don't look at us, we're blowing this pity party with my teleportarium.

We're taking the pizza, seeya.

alright you all know why the tau still exist...
there is nothing we can do about this.

the diplomats of course. the paper pushers not gonna let us eradicate just about the only species we can actually negotiate with.

keep on dreaming tho.

>>18972271
Yes!!
I will have my shit follow us.
I have enough liquor, Iho stick, and leaf cigars to keep us partying till the time that the emperor walks among us again.
Oh but can we please try and keep me from contacting the Grey Knights to see if their refrigiration device is running and other such nonsense they frown on that. I have to work with these Proto-people

>>18972301
>the paper pushers not gonna let us eradicate just about the only species we can actually negotiate with.
Then I say we fill out the forms needed have them declared here...

Those bastards.

>>18972313
[Sorry about the telepathy, bro. Hold on to your ass, because we're beaming you up, then we're gonna play chicken with Lord Inquisitor Lameass' battle cruiser.]

>>18972317
yeah they seem to be enjoying their xeno relations a tad too much huh?

suspicious suspicious... questions shall be raised.

now about this party...

>>18972324
*twitch* [Thank you for the warning. Last time I was teleported without warning it ended badly. So many poor guardsmen...]
Well I did not order any pizza so I should not have to chip in.

>>18972336
Inquisitor Gaspar Úlfr Karlo Bernard Penzak just teleported off to his ship with a bunch of the guys to have another of his infamous benders, and he took the pizza. Yeah, it's going swimmingly.

>>18972342
No worries, bro, we didn't pay for it.
That astropath chick there, Cassie, she really knows how to party. Just some advice.
Let's go, bitches! Warp jump in five!

>>18972336
[Wait, shit, man, you coming? Bring some kroot wings or something, hurry up.]

>>18972376
i heard if you only look into their third eye for a split second you don't die just gonna have a 20 hour long orgasm...

>>18972382
no kroot wings sorry, but i have some heretical material i took into custody. it's a designer drug called the "emperors blessing"... khm. currently investigating it for unholy effects.

>>18972386
That's the navigator skirt, I forget her name. We got extras just in case.
It's better if you're a psyker like me with astropath chicks, trust me.
>>18972395
[I'll try anything once, let's do this shit.] Teleporting another guy, then we're fucking gone.

Hey, if I fire on "Penzak's Party Palooza", will anyone care?

>>18972419
Can't catch me, fucker!
*WARP-O*

>>18972419
that's not how you play chiken!

Remember kids, while in the Warp, keep your extremities inside the vehicle, and if any daemons pop out, shoot them. Now who wants to play pin the tail on the Dark Eldar?

>>18972436
The Dark Eldar's going to enjoy that, you know.

>>18972460
Either way, it's gonna get penetrated. Your choice as to how.

>>18972475
>nobody gets the pun
Hmmph.

>>18972500
We get the pun, we're just trying to figure out if it's a male or female Eldar. It's trickier than you think.

>>18972514
If there's two holes there, it's female. It takes careful scrutiny, but you can figure it out.

*POP*
Hey guys, sorry about that, damned warp instability. Anyways, as I was saying, about the only final solution that actually has promise is 20001945789. Which you'll get at roughly 970.M42. But by that time, it may be too late. So, I figure I'll fix this all and tell you what it is right
*POP*

Ahem.

Which plan is Final Solution 56 again? I lost count after Final Solution 23

>>18972685
Hey you look famillar
Havent we met somewhere before?
Also have you guys seen my daemonhost? I may have umm misplaced it.... also where is my acolyte....
Oh not again!

>>18972797
[Someone toss me something with a kick to it and lets storm a planet! By the way psykers for a win!]
Hey guys lets all get this party started. My ship is ready for this party.
After last time I trippled the weapons and supplies on board. Cant believe we ran out of amasac while invading that pleasure planet...

bump