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18847587 No.18847587 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

We all know the tales of Abaddon's 13 mighty Black Crusades and the great suffering they inflicted on the followers of that damn corpse god. What we don't all know is the stories of the lesser Black Crusades, the ones that didn't quite make it into the mighty tomes of the Historium. Gather round, gentle fa/tg/uys, and I will tell you of Crusades past.

>> No.18847606
File: 314 KB, 737x720, warhammer 40k story time children 1332445565111.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]


>> No.18847634

1. Stolen by the Blood Ravens. Er, we mean, is a holy relic of the Blood Ravens
2. Due to a mixup, accidentally raided the Eye of Terror instead of Imperial controlled worlds
3. Disappeared quietly, location unknown
4. Forgot to enable the grimdark generators and was destroyed by a competently led Imperial force
5. Due to Warp shenanigans, accidentally time traveled to before the crusade was launched. Crusade was cancelled due to headaches caused trying to figure out causal links

>> No.18847683

6. Due to an oversight, this crusade was led by Kharn the Betrayer. It was mysteriously betrayed. What a great guy.
7. Failed when Traitor Marines forgot to feed the little heads on their armor
8. Failed when traitor Mechanicus accidentally enabled the Geller Fields on their ships, de-possessing all forces
9. Papa Nurgle loved this crusade too much.

Apologies for the delay between posts. Warp damned spam filters don't like this list much.

>> No.18847692

10. Accidentally vaccinated troops against the Obliterator virus, causing loss of heavy firepower
11. Failed because Abaddon has no arms
12. Killed by 2 Fire Warriors hiding behind a Devilfish
14. Got distracted playing fetch with the Space Wolves
15. Stole Rowboat Girlyman's pants and called it a success
16. Ran out of gas by the Cadian Gate and had to call AAA
17. This crusade, sponsored by Malal, was taken down by a copyright infringement lawsuit
18. Due to a numbering error, this crusade never happened
19. Someone left the stove on when trying to assault Cadia. The resulting fire burned down the whole fleet.
20. All members of this Crusade turned out to be Alpha Legion in disguise

>> No.18847703
File: 218 KB, 800x585, warhammer 40k 1332354383713.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Long lists.

>> No.18847723

22. Got kicked out of the tournament for using loaded dice
23. Failed when traitor legions' Land Raiders were recalled for faulty or missing turn signals
24. This Black Crusade was entirely composed of traitor Squats. It was eaten by a Tyranid when no one was looking.
25. Due to Creed, an Imperator Titan hiding in a mailbox was able to ambush the Crusade

What do you expect? There have been ten thousand years of Black Crusades.

>> No.18847735

26. Ran into 1 unarmed fluff grade Astares, died horribly
27. Gork did it. No, Mork did it.
28. This crusade was led by followers of Tzeentch. They managed to ambush themselves. This was considered a success.
29. Was thwarted by this guy with a scarf in a blue box
30. Got distracted trying to see if they could take on Star Wars ships

>> No.18847744
File: 166 KB, 766x956, epic dinosaur with armor and weapons and tanks missiles 1332291862183.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Go on.

>> No.18847759

31. Turns out you shouldn't wave red flags at Khornate berserkers
32. Lost the keys to their fleet, couldn't find a locksmith in time
33. This fleet's still waiting for the new Dark Eldar codex to be released so they have allies
34. Forgot to get a permit to attack Cadia, had to leave right after they arrived
35. This crusade, led by the legendary traitor Astares legion the Procrastinator Marines, starts, er, tomorrow

>> No.18847760
File: 29 KB, 336x336, 1300554534499.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>A Juvenile Equestrian
My sides.

>> No.18847774

36. Both the crusade's leaders and the leaders of the Imperial forces opposing them were traitors to their side. The crusade was canceled in the resulting confusion
37. Trashed Ultramar, was retconned into having never existed
38. Fought 2nd ed Tyranids, ran out of ammo for swords. We're not sure how either.
39. Should have taken a left turn at Tyranis.
40. Sold the ammo and cultists off and told Abaddon it worked. He fell for it.

>> No.18847780

21. Traitor mechanus forces decided to field test a new weapon they called "Skub" during this crusade, there were no survivors
22. Vikings got there first
23. Was cancelled due to tyranid infestation
24. Highly successful, unfortunately the "chaos forces" in question were actually poorly disguised orks
25. Fell apart when over 40% of chaos forces were wiped out simultaneously due to severe peanut allergies

>> No.18847809
File: 61 KB, 528x384, spiderman just as planned 1335064856625.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

You suppose a Black Crusade was ever derailed by Spiderman?

>> No.18847811

Alas, this is the end of the list of failed Black Crusades that the Historium has been able to find so far. If it is so desired, more records may always be unearthed.

>> No.18847841

Good sir, I assure you that Spiderman is directly responsible for no less than 3 failed Black Crusades. Alas, I have yet to discover the true story of those great losses for the Ruinous Powers

Hey! That's accurate information! Don't post that here, this is a clearly marked disinformation thread!

>> No.18847855


>> No.18847961

Come on now, my good man! Archeology ahoy!

>> No.18847980

41. Orks mistook traitor legions for lobsters, chased them with giant crab crackets and mallets
42. Spiderman webbed a Titan's leg, causing it to trip, causing it to knock of the rest. Just As Planned.
43. We're not sure what actually happened, so we're blaming M.att W.ard.
44. Defective, confused genestealers took everyone's pants.
45. Ships in fleet were painted fuscia, which turns out to be the Orkish color for “fails to attack the Imperium”

>> No.18847997

41. Naaa na na na na na na naa Katamari Damacy~
42. Was actually a concert tour of a supergroup formed of several highly successful metal bands, let us pray that carnage of this magnitude never happens again.
43. Bolas did it
44. Jace showed up and ruined everything
45. Somehow ended up in sigil, there were no survivors
46. We would have gotten away with this one if it weren't for those meddling kids and their stupid dog!
47. Entirety of chaos forces annihilated by bearded mute with glasses and a crowbar wearing orange metal suit

>> No.18848020

26. Crusade cancelled after a Ahriman sells the gathered military forces to a Rogue Trader in exchange for a "totally genuine" map of the Webway.

Map turns out to lead to a small box containing 3 thrones and a piece of string.

>> No.18848026
File: 40 KB, 562x437, Haddock haha.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>Katamari Damacy

>> No.18848060

46. Eldrad, CREEED, The Deceiver, Spiderman, The Emprah, and Tzeentch all forgot to Just As Planned this Crusade
47. Codex update nerfed the army right before it attacked
48. Eaten by the Emprahesque
49. Particularly dumb cultists were told to shoot anything that moves, then told to move
50. Forgot to post sentries when they left, so the Eye of Terror was briefly a Blood Raven historical artifact

>> No.18848110

48. Was arrested by FBI for possession of child porn
49. Was heroically defeated by the legendary grey knight, sir mixalot
50. The gps of the chaos forces broke and they ended up somewhere in Kansas, most were killed by angry corn
51. Completely wiped out by the Spanish
52. Half were sacrificed to huitzilopochtli, the other half drowned in the resulting rainstorm
53. Was cancelled due to eyjafjallajokull erupting

>> No.18848133

51. Orks decided Defilers were spiders, built giant rolled up newspapers to kill them
52. Crusade got in the way of Mechanicus that heard of a surviving STC, got trampled in rush
53. Tried to use plasma weapons on Grey Knights
54. All members of this crusade suddenly repented for their sins, rejoined the Imperium, and were shot for heresy anyways
55. Volcano erupted on the flagship of the crusade. Creed blamed.

>> No.18848140
File: 77 KB, 518x316, Heh.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]


That never gets old.

>> No.18848206

54. Mass suicide after reading entire FATAL rulebook
55. Defeated by ragtag team of nine color-coordinated mercenaries
56. Died of dysentery while trying to get to Oregon
57. Consisted entirely of squats, disappeared afte

>> No.18848222

56. Ran into the Angry Marines and the Reasonable Marines
57. Got pulled over for speeding
58. Titan princeps couldn't find out how tall Titans actually were, wrecked Titan trying to go under a bridge
59. Ambushed by an army of purple Orks. They never saw the Orks.
60. A man bitten by a radioactive arachnid tricked them all into saying “Candlejack”

>> No.18848274

This thread needs to be saved for posterity

>> No.18848317

61. Asked Bjorn the Fell Handed for a bedtime story one too many times
62. Tried to drink Space Wolf alcohol, got beaten up by alcohol
63. Got distracted trying out how magnets work
64. Found a lost Primarch, promptly lost it again
65. Tried to reattach Abaddon's arms, found out at end of surgery that arms were cleverly disguised Baneblades

>> No.18848330

Dear god...
Reasonable marines attempting to reason with or lead beser er I mean Angry Marines.

>> No.18848380

61. Stairs
62. Destroyed by rioting Canadians
63. Kobolds blew it all up
64. Couldn't find the keys to the fleet
65. Completely annihilated by a housecat

>> No.18848388

Alas, I'm running out of good ideas for the moment. I take it that there is popular demand for more Tales of the Black Crusades, so I'll try to write moar and follow up.

>> No.18848396

as am I

>> No.18848417

Number 64, see number 32.
Maybe I should write this story. It sounds remarkably entertaining, and I'm not sure which army would frustrate the other more...

>> No.18848441
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27. Crusade suplexed by martial artist.

>> No.18848451

66. Got distracted playing Black Crusade.

>> No.18848454

64. Rust monster infestation

>> No.18848582

67. Destroyed by terrorists
68. Derailed by old man Henderson
69. Turned into a massive orgy after everyone realized they were all serving slaanesh
70. Attempted to attack used camel salesman, once again there were no survivors

>> No.18848609
File: 1.78 MB, 200x176, animated red panda fox can't reach the door knob 1335237339518.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]


This does seem worthy of preserving for future lulz.
Get to it, men.
We'll need 3 more requests in all for auto-archiving to trigger.

>pic tangentially related

>> No.18848636

How many crusades are we even up to?

>> No.18848641

Alright here's my attempt, be gentle...

>70 (I have no idea what number we're on): Due to one of the hereteks having fat fingers, Abaddon invaded Canadia instead of Cadia. In the winter. There were no survivors.
>71: Information was received that an Alpha Legionairre had infiltrated the Crusade. No one survived the resulting search/panic.
>72: Trazyn "acquired" Abaddon's topknot. There were no survivors.
>73: One of the World Eaters decided to play some arcaeomusic by a group called "Anaal Nathrakh." There were no survivors.
>74: Abaddon's dog ate his invasion plans. There were a few survivors.
>75: Word Bearers ran out of cigarettes before making it to Cadia.

>> No.18848648
File: 159 KB, 744x626, Ork_Powuz.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Pic related.

>> No.18848708


>> No.18848722


>> No.18848735

>Not using Suptg

>> No.18848749

We're up to 104 crusades now by my count

>> No.18848755
File: 34 KB, 600x450, suffer not the furry to live pedobear commissar cosplay warhammer 40k 2703103.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Better to cover multiple angles, in case of xenos.

>> No.18848767

105. Cancelled due to mass rustling of jmmies

>> No.18848790
File: 13 KB, 230x151, Discs_of_Tzeentch2[1].jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

106. Pool closed due to discs of Tzeentech

>> No.18848802

106-110: All performed by Reddit. All were successful, but were notably unoriginal.

>> No.18848839

107. Happened during mass pauldron shortage
108. Forgot to pay electric bill

>> No.18848857

70. Renegade battle barge 'The Rainbow Warrior' is successfully engaged and destroyed by Astartes of the Azure Cockerels. Puts an end to the entire crusade.
71. Numerous inaccuracies in planning and tactics are pointed out by a neckbeard with a copy of the latest codex, crusade abandoned.
72. Chaos forces successfully land on Cadia only to be beaten back by a force made up from a superior codex.
73. Every one forgets the meltaguns, hilarity ensues.
74. A boy and some old guy in a DeLorean make the entire crusade fade from existence as it turns out the kid is his own grand father, or something. It probably had something to do with Tzeentch.
75. Southpark parody the previous crusade, everyone is too wrapped up in the resulting lawsuit to remember to set off.

>> No.18848976


>> No.18849109
File: 657 KB, 1536x2048, LolCats warhammer 40k Plague marine vs biovore SQUAD_BROKEN.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

Well, whaddya know...

>> No.18849296
File: 57 KB, 589x380, 1244449885326.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]

>Using chanarchive rather than suptg
>Implication being you browse /tg/ and that you are not aware of suptg, or even worse, you think chanarchive is better
>pic related

>> No.18849354

109: The Tau lent a squadron of titans to the Imperium's cause.
110: A lone wanderer somehow talked Abbadon into abandoning this crusade.
111: Snakes on the cruisers killed most of the crew.

>> No.18849358

Just as planned...

>> No.18849384

except for one renegade salamander

>> No.18849611

the guy from new vegas got into space how?

>> No.18849619

112. Cultist-chan somehow got to the fleet-wide speaker system.
113. Written by CS Goto [STRICKEN FROM RECORDS]
114. Ran into a ladder, chair, table and rope factory when Jackie Chan was visiting it.

>> No.18849635

Yeah, that's probably what happened.

>> No.18849732

For what, slaughtering, torturing and defiling Eldar horrifically, all in loving detail? Sounds perfectly Chaotic to me.

>> No.18849771

It was an embarrassing combination of a kid sticking a twig into the entire fleet and MULTILASERS.

>> No.18849786

116. Crusade made it to Holy Ter-- *CLANG* What the fuck was that?
117. Abbaddon distracted by a kitty cat
118. Pauldrons prevented traitor marines from lifting their arms. They were slain by a single Guardsman with a pointy stick.

>> No.18849887

>Was arrested by FBI for possession of child porn
I'm surprise Slaanesh isn't arrested yet.

>> No.18849911

He was, but his lawyer was awesome.

>> No.18850056

119: slaaneshi discovered /b/

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