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/tg/ - Traditional Games


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[ERROR] No.18661846 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

Am I the ONLY one on Scintilla that wants a Galvian Needler?

I hear they are getting hard to find. I saw some Belasco asshole who was asking 1000 thrones for one

>> No.18661895

The fuck? Why would you need that? How about you get a practical gun you spoiled noblecunt.

>> No.18661911

>>18661846
Needle pistols are rubbish, just get a stub pistol and give it some tox rounds and a silencer. Same result, better stopping power, and cheaper, too.

>> No.18661914

Throne damn it try being on Tranch and trying to find anything but a damn lasgun. Go bawl about your hive world problems to someone else.

>> No.18661932

>>He uses needlers
>>LaughingSororitas.jpg
How does it feel, knowing that you're less manly than a group of cloistered nuns? Pic so very related. Get a real man's gun and stop advertising your lack of manliness.

>> No.18661936

>>18661911

What, and make garish banging noises every time I want to shoot something? If I wanted to sound like a Gunmetallican I'd strap tin pots to my legs and stop around like a grox.

Needle guns; stylish, elegant, and easy to coat in horrific toxins.

And 1000 thrones is pocket change. Really, did you grow up in a sump?

>> No.18661938

>>18661895
>wounds on a 2
>no armor save
>not practical

>> No.18661950

>>18661914
Fuck you, I'm trying to ask for helpful advice here. And YOU'RE not helping. What kind of lame ganger do you have to be to get drafted in the guard?

>> No.18661954

>>18661932
Damn bolter bitches. Try being in the IG for one day. You'll be crying for your mother superior in under an hour.

>> No.18661963

>that feel when you don't need no fancy long-las to do any serious range work, just a well-placed shot from your Moyst-Nugat Pattern Stub Rifle

>> No.18661968

>>18661938
Pistol weapon, 12'' range. You will get one shot.

>> No.18661971

>>18661932
The Adeptus Sororitas are the chamber millitant of the Ordo Hereticus, and the daughters of the emperor.
Unless you've figured out how to shit thrones, us mortals have to make do with pistols. Course, a good pistol will kill a man just as well as a bolter, and its faster on the draw.

>> No.18661988

>M41
>not using an archao-tech miniature stub pistol built into a fancy ring
laughing_nobles.jpg

>> No.18661998

>>18661950
Drafted, hah! I volunteered for this shit from Mortressa! Come on down here nancy boy and I'll show you how a man fights! Not from the shadows with dirty trick weapons that's for sure!

>> No.18662000

>>18661846
Feels like I'm gonna break this thing.

>> No.18662005

>complaining about Lasguns
Back on my homeworld, we got two sticks and a rock. The platoon had to share the rock.

>> No.18662007

>>Needlers
BUT DAT DUZN'T DAKKA! WUT'Z DA POINT OF A GUN WUT DUZN'T DAKKA? YER MEK MUST BE PRETTY BAD AT SHOOTY. PIK RELATED, ITZ ME SHOOTA!

>> No.18662009

*Is a Rogue trader and above petty monetary shortages*

>> No.18662018

GUYS! I accidentally a Commissar and now I have his equipment! What the frak am I going to do?
Emperor's Teeth, and I was just 3 months from getting out of the Guard!

>> No.18662024

>>18662005
Ah, I remember my tour as a conscript before being promoted too. Good time.

>> No.18662025

>>18661914

Good God-Emperor, who's pet cherub did you kill to get posted to Tranch? Honestly, I'd suggest using a sharpened stick over a Tranch lasgun. It's less likely to backfire and kill you.

>> No.18662029

>42,012
>not using a handcannon

Intimidation without looking like a proper fop such as op indicates he is with that choice of weaponry.

>> No.18662039

>>18661938

No armour save? The hell have you been smoking?

>> No.18662041

>>18662018
Put it on! Nobody would dare question a commissar!

>> No.18662058

>>18662000
This looks like OP's pic...

>> No.18662069

>>18662024

I remember when they handed Jenkins an autogun.

Shot himself with it, he did, because he had never seen a slug spitter.

Can't say I feel too bad, he did try to have sex with Corporal Cummings, and that NCO is too good to be bouncing around on anyone but me.

>> No.18662078

>>18662029

God-Emperor's breath, that gun's pathetic! What's the caliber, 0.22? I bet you couldn't dent a mutant's skull at ten paces with a pea-shooter like that.

My weapon of choice has always been the bolt pistol. Good solid weapon, plenty of damage, blessed design, and lots of room for decoration. Load it with body-blowers and you can kill almost anything... at 100 thrones a shot!

>> No.18662091

>>18661968
Ah, but at least it's Assault 1. That's why there's a power sword in my other hand. This Inquisitor spared no expense.

>> No.18662095

>>18662025
Like I said, volunteered from Mortressa, shit gets better every day. The Krieger from the penal corps in my squad says he misses home though.

>> No.18662134

>>18662069
Almost like the time Spider chucked a melta at a twist brute armed for 10 seconds. Frakkin twist looked down, picked it up and threw it back. Of course, the melta was magnetic, and half spider's skull was Imperial steel.

>> No.18662141

>>18662041
But... but I don't know all the Doctrines and... well yeah I do. I've been serving for 12 years now.
You know... it's kinda funny looking at it know. I've fought Orks, Tyranids, survived Eldar raids, both Dark and regular, and even fought the forces of Chas once or twice, but the Commissars are the ones that have scared me shit less.

>> No.18662151

>>Sees pretentious noble and sisterfags with bolt weapons.
>>Is still rockin' his dual Hecutors.

>> No.18662158

>>18662095

Ah, Mortressa. The inflamed hemorrhoid of the Calixis Sector.

And how did you get a Krieger to... socialize? I had a hell of a time even getting one to comment on the weather.

>> No.18662170

>>Volunteer for the Guard
>>Posted to Karkos
>>Eternal-night jungle shithole infested with orks, angry-ass natives, and fucking monsters everywhere
>>Half the squad is down with explosive shits.
>>Ran out of charge packs a week ago, using my regimental mono-knife tied to a stick as an impromptu spear
>>Ran out of MREs, survive off eating orks and monsters
>>Finally make it back to base, can't wait to get back out there
Fuck me, it's just like being home again.

>> No.18662180

>>18662141
>12 years
>all those xenos
I don't know what types of campaigns you were in, but I've been stuck on this shitty rock for the past decade.

>> No.18662195

>>18662158
Well, he was pretty damn spooky, but saved our asses a few times. Cap finally said he should fight because of choice and popped the collar off him. Not that the threat of death really affected him anyway. But a few days later we were in a trench, and he really opened up. Must've said over 12 words!

>> No.18662214

>>18662180
You should count yourself lucky. Garrison duty can be easy as hell, ( ofc, it can depend on where you're posted to, but unless you've been sent to a hellhole like Cadia, I wouldn't really worry) especially if you land yourself on a Pleasure World. Currently stationed at Cyprian's Gate, and I'm lovin' the tropical island thing they have goin' on

>> No.18662253

>>18662180
Well I'm with a front line regiment. We were originally organized to fight off an Ork incursion into our system. It was a small WAAAAAGH, and we beat them back after only three years. Then I get sent to this planet in the ass end of nowhere to fight Chaos for a few years before they take off to Emperor knows where. Getting hit by Eldar the whole time, both types. Then we follow the raiders to another system where we get stuck in with Tyranids. Now THAT was an awful four years. Add in a year of warp travel and about a year of cleanup all together and that's what I've been doing.

>> No.18662283

>>18662170
Too bad you went dropped off in Idahatus. It's an agriworld completely devoted to producing fine potatoes for the Imperial war machine.

It's got a history behind it too now...

Orks came and loot our 'taters.
Tyranids came and ate our 'taters.
Chaos came and corrupted our 'taters.
We've still got a lot of 'taters.

>> No.18662288

>>Serving in a mixed campaign with the Space Wolves
>>Cool guys, brew drink that would knock a Catachan on his ass.
>>Always have a lot of funny war stories
>>Showering off one day in the base shower room
>>Space wolf walks in
>>Drops his towel
>>Every man's jaw drops
>>He just grins and jumps into the shower, gargling something that sounds like VULFLUFFANVULFVULFVORLDVULFRAGNAAAAROKVULF
>>That mental image will be with me till the day I die.
I...might have lost the will to live. No wonder the women are all over these guys, they make horses look inadequate

>> No.18662341

>>18662283
No shit! Not that guy, but I was raised on Idahatus!
Idahatus Cascadium!

>> No.18662348

>>18662253
Shit dude, I'm from the Kyrus system as well. Don't know if we ever crossed paths, but I was with the 101st Coronan during the blitz on Orn's World. 'twas the driver of the Leman Russ Caldor's Might back then, and my crew and I were there when Major Holloweg and his men were massacred at Hive Crawmad.

>> No.18662349

>>18662195

That's certainly something. A pity you won't survive to tell it to your children.

Well, it's been nice. I really must be off though. Orbital shuttle, dinner with the Lord General, Rogue Trading, etc, etc.

Do try to stay alive. The Emperor protects and all that.

>> No.18662354

>>18662283
Sorry, if I'm not ass-deep in toxic mud, eating a snake, and stripped to the waist, it just doesn't feel natural. I don't know how you city slickers handle it, it's just not right to live without the burning.

>> No.18662365

4325356TH HAB REDS WOZ HERE, NOBLES ARE PONCES

>> No.18662389

>>18662288

Somethin'll knock those sparkles out of your eyes soon, son.
Those Angels are impressive; but wait till you see one of 'em beat to death by 20 blood-crazed, Thrash-hopped cultists. You'll be countin' your blessings once you see an Angel fall, and Emperor-Preserve you, you'll be lucky if you get to die.

>> No.18662395

Playing cards with a mercenary general off in the Koronus Expanse right now.

Shit be cash.

>> No.18662408

Don’t you cry my darling, though I go to die this day,
My brothers in arms will fight for you and keep the horde away

And though our nights be long. And though our nights be dark.
It will always be warm and bright with the Emperor in our hearts.

So tend the fields till harvest. And mind the children’s prayers.
So when that bullet pierces my chest I’ll climb those Golden Stairs.

I’ll take my place beside His Throne. He’ll ask what got me through.
I’ll reply my love for Him. And my love for you.

Oh boys we march to war, and loved ones leave behind. But we’ll see their smiling face when we’re by His side.

Oh boys the foe is strong, but we march side-by-side, an’ from the Emperor’s Hammer there is no place to hide.

>> No.18662421

>>18662288
The good thing about the Wolves: Unlike most Astartes, they've got a sense of humor.

The bad thing about the Wolves: Unlike most Astartes, they've got a sense of humor.

>> No.18662422

>>18662170
>using my regimental mono-knife tied to a stick as an impromptu spear
TECH-HERESY

>> No.18662445

>>18662422
Can it, tin head, real men are talking here.

>> No.18662447

>>18662253
>both types

The hell do you mean, "both types"? Eldar are bloody Eldar. There somethin' you not telling us, Guardsman?

>> No.18662466

>>18662180
Ah, a fellow artilleryman.
Tell me, what Regiment are you with?

>> No.18662469

All this chest-beating Guard nonsense is good for morale, I'm sure, but it doesn't answer the original question.

Now I've always found needle guns to be a bit underpowered. Sure, for assassinations and fancy gatherings they can do the job but when you're facing down the Burnscour Lictor and you've only got half a clip left... you'd better pray you're firing more than needles.

>> No.18662474

I am Valhalla! I get cogitator today, brand new glorious Valhalla design. Ah, I remember last battle we fight in. It human waves against entrenched position. We go in pairs, one man get lasgun, other get charge pack for when first die. We take 93% casualties and it is declared wonderous victory. I get leg shot off and it is replaced with stick of metal and called augmentic. Then there is parade and general get medal.
Such is life in Valhalla.

>> No.18662482

>>18662348
Yeah I was on Orn's World! I was in a different theater, clearing out the Southern cities so we could use the spaceports. Urban fighting is never fun. But I remember hearing about Holloweg.
>>18662447
Well first you got your "I'm better then you and you'll never understand our knowledge! Abloo bloo bloo!" Types. They wear the smooth white and whatever color armor.
Then you have the Rapey Torture types. They tend to be in black with spikes everywhere. It's... not pretty rescuing men captured by them. Better to just put a lasbolt through their heads.

>> No.18662495

>>18662474
Another Valhallan! I am heavy weapons trooper! I fire autocannon! She weighs 160 kilograms and fires 200 shell per minute. I have seen her take apart Carnifex in less than half minute! She is very good gun! I take good care of her, give her oil and rubbings, call her Sascha! She serves me well!

>> No.18662511

>>18662482
Jopall Indentured here. I dunno, last time we fought Eldar we fought these jester-type fuckers who didn't seem like either of those. Horrifying things, I don't even like to talk about it.
Good news is I got a bonus for killing two of them with a rigged melta bomb. I'm almost paid off.

>> No.18662519

>>18662482
I'd keep quiet on that sort of thing if I were you. Knowin' that much tends to draw...scrut=][=ny. Just sayin'.

>> No.18662538

>>18662495
Ah, you are lucky, comrade. I was not even given the training to use lasgun.
I get extra potato and rotgut for every kill. Is good life.

>> No.18662540

>>18662511
Wait wait... Clowns? You fought Clowns and LIVED? Emperor damn boy! I never saw them myself, but I'd heard stories and seen vid feeds from dead troopers.
>>18662519
Who do you think ordered us to follow the damn Eldar to the Tyranids in the first place? And hell, apparently I'm a Commissar now anyway. They get to know more.

>> No.18662544

>M41.999
>paying for weapons
>not having your rogue trader just give you a crate of solo boltguns
ishygddt

>> No.18662546

>>18662495
>>18662474
Hello fellow Valhallans! I apologize while I can for when artillery barrages from our position are falling short. Happens sometimes. More times when danger close is being called for.

>> No.18662549

>>18662511
Have I ever told you that I think the Jopall make the best sharpshooters on this side of the segmentum? Can't thank you guys enough for your service in the Guard. What Sargaent Ferres did with his long-las was no less than amazing on Lelov.

>> No.18662554

>>18662538
>>18662495
Y'all don't sound nothing like the Vallhallas I know. Led by what's his name, that Kane feller?

>> No.18662566

>>18662538
Booze for killing? Is good life indeed, comrade! I am not given extra booze, they say they find me scary enough sober! Is good joke, am never sober! But they not yet find my still, hahaha! But for seriously, I am working to cleanse Imperium of Tyranid menace! Is good job! Very productive! Tyranids are very bad! They are ugly and smelly and do not taste the goodly! I have fought for six year, and they have still not yet run out of bugs, is frustrating! Soon, tour of duty will be up, will be able to go back home. Should I re-enlist?

>> No.18662575

>>18662549
597th are being lucky.
Are having competent leadership. Who are not ordering us poor artillerymen to be bombarding fellow Valhallans.

>> No.18662576

>65 million years after the great purge
>still using weapons that dont rely on utilizing the spontaneous creation and collapse of fractal dimensions to smear matter to a pre-atomic phase and then harvesting the energy produced.


Are you chimps even trying?

>> No.18662596

>>18662540
Like I said, I don't wanna talk about it.
I still get nightmares about those... things.
>>18662549
It's simple economics. We have to pay for every charge pack, so we make it count. I've blown up a tank with a jerry-rigged frag grenade before. It was an ork tank, but still.

>> No.18662604

>>18662554
Valhallan here. He's from northern Kokchetav, and the local accent and customs are quite different there.

>> No.18662606

Hey, uh, everyone. Cadian battle-psyker here. They're letting me use the cogitators for morale purposes, 'cause I've been good these past few battles. Uh.

Finally got out of the choir when they gave me a longlas. I don't like being a psyker very much, it's a headache. I'm good with the longlas, though. Sometimes I think the Emperor himself tells me where to aim. It's glorious.

We're serving off-planet right now, fighting block to block on Hive Alpha on Faerhaus IV against entrenched Eldar. It's strange. They don't entrench, generally. It's a nice vacation, though.

Hard to sleep, as quiet as it is, without the Eye in the sky, though.

>> No.18662623

>>18662546
When artillery called in, drop to belly and pray. Is best policy.
>>18662575
This is strange regiment. Do you get extra potato?

>> No.18662627

>>18662606
You're in Hive Alpha?
Have any trouble with bad shellings?
We've been having some trouble with the winds kriffing up or targeting, and I'm worried we might be hitting friendlies...

>> No.18662644

>>Gue'la still use primitive unencoded transmissions over a hundred years old
Good morning, dear friends, how are you being today in fine land of Imperialis? We are posted from Glorious People's Republic of T'au, and we are wishing to offer you greatest luck in day's endeavors! Please to be messaging us if you are wanting better equipment from Glorious People's Republic, we are to be making better stuff, after all! Please to be hearing from you soon! All blessings to the Greater Good and the Glorious Republic of T'au!

>> No.18662647

>>18662566
You have choice, comrade. Join back up, get all turnips you can eat and heretic pig-dog women to fuck.
Or go home and work in fields, get shot by enforcers eventually.

>> No.18662648

>>18662627

Some bad rain, yeah, but I've got a good nose for the weather, as it were. It's my Gift, it's why I'm good with my longlas. No major casualties from friendly bombardment for our regiment--we've lost one chimera (empty at the time) and that's about it. Heard the guys from the, uh, Necromundan regiment they have two sectors over got it bad, though.

>> No.18662662

>>18662606
>>18662648
You know... Never served with Psykers. Killed some when fighting Chaos though.

>> No.18662676

>>18662647
Ah, you make choice obvious, comrade, obviously I re-enlist, turnips are delicious, better even than the MREs! Is funny joke, yes, three lies in one! My commissar tells me I am good soldier, strong like Ogryn, mean like Ratling, loyal like human! Good thing am not dumb like Ogryn, they are like little kiddies with toys! Their women are quite handsome, though, rawr! That is my kind of woman!

>> No.18662698

I joined the guard, see? Wasn't much else I could go into.
Now, everyone spits on me and attacks me in the camp, but at least I belong somewhere.
But I got ordered to pass a message to the astropath, and when I got close he started shrieking and puking and blood came out his ears. Now they're talking to some guy from the "Assassinorum". Is this bad? What should I do?

>> No.18662699

>>18662648
Alright, so the wind's taking the 178ths barrages off course.
I'll let them know.
Stay alive, and stay sane friend. My little brother was taken by the Black Ships a few years back. I like to think he's still out there somewhere, doing the Emperor's work, like you.

>> No.18662710

Elysian Drop Trooper Vet here, got my Kantrael pattern lasgun with under slung grenade launcher, its not much but it gets the job done.

Can't say too much about where I am stationed, only that its a fucking Jungle Planet in Segmentum Tempestus, I hate the jungle hotter than shit.

I have a bad feeling about this drop since we got the news we were going in with limited support. That's nothing new for the Elysians, but only a couple Regiments for this, no way something is up. Heard a rumor about the Astartes being in Theater though. Probably bullshit.

>> No.18662712

>>18662549
Hey, did you guys every get your shipment of Environmental Bodygloves? My company was supposed to receive a few hundred, but some Administratum dumbshit mixed up some requisition forms and we're currently stuck with several kiloliters of ploin juice.

>> No.18662732

>>18662676
I know what you mean, they are like women back home but more feminine, yes? I'd like to purge their mutations if you catch joke, comrade!
Back home the beautiful ones are cold like Valhallan winter.

>> No.18662735

>>18662712
Whoops, my comment was supposed to address 18662648

>> No.18662750

>>18662662

Working with psykers can be alot like always holding a primed grenade in your offhand, if they're not disciplined. But I'm Cadian. It's just like working with another soldier, just I can predict the future. Can't do the shoot-lightning-out-me-arse thing, just... not my skillset. But I can read the Tarot, make guesses as to enemy movements, and know right where to put a shot. It's good work, and I'm always busy.

>>18662699

I'm sure he is. It's tough, but it's... good work. Keep those barrages going, yeah? Those Eldar gotta break sometime, and the more they get pounded, the sooner that'll happen.

>> No.18662766

>>18662712
This is now a Departmento Munitorium fuckups thread.
So there we were, enduring a siege by the forces of Chaos. Druggie cultists, fucking nuts, literally. We were running out of ammo, and we were supposed to get a drop in. So the drop gets sent in, giant-ass crate the size of a small warehouse. We open it up and find billions and billions of pic related. Is this supposed to be a joke, or was this supposed to go to a hive?

>> No.18662768

Mordian here. You think you folks have problems with the Eldar? My unit was deployed against a bunch of the gaunt-cheeked bastards a few months ago. Savage fighting, for the most part, but the smarmy little shits developed a penchant for shooting off our fucking hats from afar and then disappearing. Took us forever to find them, even though sometimes you could hear the female ones snickering afterward. Emperor's breath I hate the fucking Eldar.

>> No.18662770

>>18662712

We haven't gotten any bodygloves yet, but we're supposed to get a shipment of a couple dozen for our scouting elements that aren't in Sentinels. I have a feeling the order's not gonna go through, though. Not a psyk-feeling, just a hunch. There's been rumors the Savlars over in Hive Beta have been hijacking, you know? And, I don't want to see planetist, but, well... Savlars, man.

>> No.18662772

>>18662712
Naw, they fucked ours up too. Good news is we wound up with several crates packed top to bottom with lho-sticks. The good ones. It's not much, certainly not as good as the bodygloves, but our supply guys might be able to get some to you guys for a bit of that Ploin juice.

>> No.18662783

Anyone know anything about Lightburners?

My cousin gave me one that his father had acquired somewhere in the Koronus Expanse, they had a crateful of them.

Just wondering if anyone know the provenance of them, they sure look expensive and exotic, but hopefully they are not too exotic. If you know what i mean.

After all it would be a dreadful gaffe leading my newly bought company in cleansing the mutants of Tranch with some heretical weapon.

>> No.18662784

>>18662712
Strewth, mate? Aw, blimey, we was supposed to get the bloody ploin juice. Fucking Administratum cunts.
We're Serican Bushmen, what the hell are we supposed to do with bloody bodygloves?

>> No.18662813

>>18662732
>>18662676
Wow... Northern and Southern Valhalla must be way different. We had a regiment of Valhallan tankers helping us with the Orks when I was a greenhorn. And let me tell you, those women were NOTHING like Orgryns.
>>18662750
Hey, a little tip for fighting Eldar I picked up.
Make sure the Diversion they're ignoring is the real attack. Make sure the troops think they're a diversion too. If no one on the battlefield knows what's happening, the Eldar sometimes don't either.

>> No.18662841

>>18662783

Speaking as an... expert on certain weapons.

You're on Tranch. Nobody gives a ha' throne jizz about Tranch. Never have, never will. You could tote a Xenarch Death-Arc over your shoulder and nobody would care because, seriously, you're on Tranch.

As long as you kill mutants I don't think the rest of the Imperium cares.

>> No.18662843

>>18662784

You are supposed to wear them, that is after you wash with the complimentary 200 Hectoliters of soap that was supposed to follow the clothes.

Dont be shy, feel free use more than one dose of soap.

Kind Regards:

Maximillian Forunds, Head of Supply and occupant of the office downwind of you.

>> No.18662845

>>18662750
Don't you worry, we will. And now we know they're hittin' clean, we can up the pace. Kick it into real overdrive, y'know? Ten to fifteen a minute when we're goin' top speed, although we can't keep that up for long. Hard on the guns.
Oh, and >>18662712, though you were askin' me, sorry about that. But the offer still stands...

>> No.18662855

>>18662813
Da, comrade, the southerners have all the beautiful women. Is no big deal, their women are the "ice queens", you get?

>> No.18662881

>>18662843
We're on a bloody desert death world, mate. We wear that rubbish, we're dead men. And our smell masks our location.
Bloody Administratum wankers. Next thing they'll try to take our knives.

>> No.18662884

>>18662772
Thanks mate. I'll be sure to send in some runners. Our damn voxes went broke.

>> No.18662885

>>18662813

Ain't that the truth, though. Though, urgh... those whatisit seers they have, the ones with the fancy runes that float around them... you can feel the Warp, sort of... thickening around them. Makes it damn hard to work without fucking up. On the plus side, it means we know when they're pushing something major, since those only show up for major offensives.

On the minus side, they make me just another trooper with a longlas, but hell. I'm Cadian, and they're just Eldar. Freaky bints, fast as hell, but like I said, this is damn near a vacation for us, you know? Away from the Eye, away from the traitor legions and the warp-spawn. There's fewer nightmares, fewer terrors. Just us, the xenos, and a hive world to fight over.

Speaking of, gotta go. Might be back later. There's an arty barrage coming in, and it sounds like Eldar work. Probably some of those spinner things. Gotta go warn the Captain.

>> No.18662896

>>18662855
Yeah, yeah I get you. One seemed to like me though. made me... what the hell did she call it? Borsh? Those were good nights whiel they lasted...
All I know was I was kinda sorry when the Warboss died and we had to go our separate ways.

>> No.18662924

Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Necromundan here, you guys are all pussies. It's 11 AM where I am. So far I woke up, found out we were repelling a tau attack, sprung up out of my bed, buck naked, grabbed my bat and my gun and beat some blue pussy-faces to death before my morning recaf. Then I went out scouting, found one of dose pathfinder guys, beat him to death too. Got 12 pussy-faces killed today so far, not even lunchtime, haven't even shot my gun yet. I'm fucking awesome, man. What have you done today?

>> No.18662926

>>18662896
Almost everybody have better quarters than Ice Warriors. She want to sleep in your warm tent, comrade. So she get cozy with you, maybe even fuck you, da? Is exactly that.
Take it from me, do not trust the Valhalla women.

>> No.18662933

>>18662841

That is not quite true, There was this one Cogboy in one of the nearby Companies that was hooked by some kind of Admech enforcers.

Course whatever he did, it was pretty big. Noone know for sure, some witnesses disappeared with him. But an entire line was covered in a thin film of what one of our medics insisted was blood and human fat... Then he disappeared too....I never told any of you this,OK?

>> No.18662939

>>18662698
Tranch vet again, don't worry. Kinda the same deal with the penal Krieger in our unit. Comes in handy around some of the worse twists. Don't know anything about the Assassinorium, but the Higher ups tend to like you guys.

>> No.18662946

Member of the Kasrkin here. Eldar are faster than lightning and their moves are hard to follow, but they've got a limitation. They've got the same number of limbs and basic body plan as Man, so there's not really any moves they can pull that go beyond anything you regulars saw during boot camp. They just do them FASTER. The trick is to think a few seconds ahead. Parry sooner than you normally would. Duck before you think you need to duck. And don't let that speed freeze you stiff, just ACT. You can take the bastards down.

>> No.18662947

>> No.18662952

>>18662924
I introduced an ork kommando to the pointy end of my knife, is what I did, mate. Hung 'is corpse from a tree.

>> No.18662966

>>18662924
They're Tau, and you were in close combat. What the fuck did you think was going to happen? Try copping that cocky attitude after 12 hours straight of praying their goddamn targeting lights don't pass right over your head.

>> No.18662983

>>18662926
Using me for my tent? ... Eh, I'm not going to complain.
>>18662946
Fire works pretty good too, at least against the Spikey ones. They have a lot more exposed skin then the Uptight ones.

>> No.18662988

>>18662939
Nobody "likes" me. Throne, people hate me on sight. What are you on about?
Wait, shit, there's a lander touching down. It ain't like any lander I've ever seen. It's painted jet black, for one.

>> No.18662990

Back. Got the boys in cover. Hey, you still there, arty guy? I stayed out long enough to get a trajectory for the Eldar artillery that's bombarding us, Captain's sending it through, uh, official channels now, but if you guys wanted to toss a couple shells that way, it's grid sector 98-Alpha-13, subgrid beta central.

>>18662924

Killed five Eldar, didn't explode into warp and spew, and warned my regiment in time to avoid incoming artillery fire.

>> No.18663013

>>18662952
You killed what, one ork? I've got 12 kills under my belt before lunchtime. You're smalltime, man, smalltime. And you have a pansy accent, too, there, I said it, burned
>>18662966
No, no, see, see, see, that's my job. I go out, I find those pathfinder dicks, I introduce their faces to my bat. And you don't have to piss yourself every time you see a red dot on something while you're cowering behind those sandbags. It's the perfect partnership! You get to keep being a pussy, I get to keep being badass!

>> No.18663046

>>18662983
You ever serve with Sisters of Battle? They taught me that the proper application of fire fixes EVERYTHING!

>> No.18663050

>>18662896
Southern Valhallan women man. I know that feel. We wound up on a transport with a regiment of them once. One of 'em took a shine to me. Beautiful girl, red hair, eyes as blue as a desert sky, athletic...
Her unit was assigned to the same firebase as us when we hit dirtside. I saw her get ripped in two by the 'nids...
I still see her face at night, and then I see that, and I hear her screaming for me to help her while they come up over the wall, but I just... I froze.
I haven't slept right in three whole years. Sometimes, I think maybe I should just... end it, y'know? Chew on my autopistol, and go to the Emperor. Maybe I'd get to see her there. Maybe she'd hate me, for leaving her...

>> No.18663066

>>18663046
I did, once. I tried hitting on em. I mean, come on, titty armor, ass-sculpts, teeny skirts, girlies in little strips of paper over their most awesome bits, they were totally saying 'come on, I'm fucking easy'. That...was not a good day.

>> No.18663069

>>18662983
We have joke in Valhalla.

Man walks into bar. He say soulless beast hound him at every turn. Say it watch him wherever he go and make life living hell. Orders rotgut.
Bartender says "Comrade, this is serious! We must contact secret police!"
Man says "No worry, I talk about my wife."
Later he is shot by enforcers for spreading hysteria. Such is life in Valhalla.

Is good joke. Everybody laugh. We dance and sing.

>> No.18663074

>>18662988
Well, good luck,what I meant was that you're in for a promotion likely. Deadman got hisself blowed up and they put 'im back togethe. And Partly because of Deadman, we're working with the Astartes, and not dead! Good luck,and when they say Pariah, remember it's a good thing!

>> No.18663075

>>18663013
Yeah, whatever, come back and talk tough when you've beaten the blue bastards at their own game and outvolleyed their piss-yellow rape rifles.

>> No.18663076

>>18662988

Easy, the mundanes see us as a resource, then be the resource.

Be that invaluable resource that foresees betrayal, that detects the hidden foe, be the resource that can force strongest mind to give up its secrets. Be the resource that can detonate the flesh of a mutant charging in to kill an officer a hundred paces away.

Oh, and if the leaders are too unreasonable, just ensure that you happen to be other where the day they invariably manage to tempt fate in a way you could have easily solved if they only had been more reasonable.

>> No.18663081

>>18662990
Yeah, I'm uh, I'm here. Just had to get that off my chest. Hell she'd hate to see me moping like this. Time to get back to work. We're sendin' a barrage that way right now. Should have those Eldar kriffs shakin' for at least a little while.

>> No.18663093

>>18663069
I have better joke.
Man walks into bar. Says life is meaningless, says life has him down. Says he has lost faith in the Emperor.
Barman says 'go see high priest Brukovsky, his speeches will light fire in blood like lava up asshole. That will get you fighting for Emperor again!'
And then the barfly says, "But I am high priest Brukovsky!"
He is promptly shot for spreading despair and despondency by secret policeman, bar burns down, and barman is never seen again. Is good times.

>> No.18663098

>>18663013
You fight Tau in close combat? Pardon me if I ain't impressed, you fucking wanker.
Try showing a Dracolith its insides, then come talk to me. Otherwise, piss off, cunt.

>> No.18663105

>>18663066
You have to be careful about that shit. Some Sororitas chapters have a flat-out vow of chastity, and even the ones who don't tend to be less than amicable mid-campaign. Try flirting with some that haven't seen action for a while. There's still a chance they'll break your arse in half over a power armored knee, but it's no longer a guarantee at that point.

>> No.18663108

>>18663081

Fine job, man. And hang in there, yeah? I... had a girl once. Uh. Just after training, on the black ships.

... She, was, uh. Found wanting at the end. I shouldn't talk more about it. But it's hard, man, I know. All we can do is keep pushing, and when our time comes, greet those who wait for us. But not before. Life's hard, so we gotta we harder.

>> No.18663111

>>18663093
You Northern Valhallans really claim credit for that one?
Frak, is there anything you Norts won't steal from your Souther neighbors?

>> No.18663122

>>18663046
I've never had that honor, no. DID see a Space Marine once. Not in battle or anything, He was with the Inquisitor as we hunted the Eldar. Scared me half to death seeing him walk around the ship. I felt so... Unworthy, you know?
>>18663050
No man. EARN her forgivness. EARN your place at the Emperor's side. We're just weak mortals. If we earn his good grace through service, he'll forgive us our weaknesses. She wouldn't want you to take the cowards way out.
Show her you mean business and take out as many of the Grox Fraking bastards you can.

>> No.18663135

>>18663076
This Deadman. Sorry gothic not good, only recently learn on Tranch. He not Psyker. He like me, Astartes Librarian say "Screaming black hole in warp."

>> No.18663140

>>18663108
Yeah. Yeah, you're right. SHIT! One of the guns just broke off a spent shell and the Enginseer got picked off by one of those "Rangers" or whatever they're called yesterday. Now we've gotta try to fix it ourselves. I'll be back once it's back to thumpin'.

>> No.18663141

>>18663098
>>18663075
Ooh, look who's the big man, talking all big like some sorta...big...whatever, point is, you suck, and you're jealous, cuz I'm awesome, like, really awesome. You ever get the drop on one of them ugly-ass bug-fucker guys? When you swing for the helmet, there's this satisfying crunch and the shards of helmet get into the eye sockets and the antenna and they fucking panic, man, it's the funniest fucking thing, it's like they don't even know what's going on anymore. Half the time they fucking shoot themselves, saves me the trouble of another swing.

>> No.18663145

>>18663111
Fuck you, Пидарас. The only thing you Southers do right is suck each other's cocks. Ёб твою мать!

>> No.18663163

>>18663145
>>18663111
HEY NOW, HEY! I think we can ALL agree you guys rock at fighting Orcs, yeah?
Come on, we're all on the same side here, fighting for the Emperor.

>> No.18663166

Greetings, fellow warriors and gentlemen, Nigel Sir Antonius William Foppelbottom here, and we have just received the first of these strange social communication devices! I am a unit leader of a small out-of-the-way world's PDF, and while we may not yet have much in the way of your laser arms and repeating pistols, our unit proudly carries flintlocks of the finest manufacture, charged with the highest quality black powder and shot and tipped with a proper heretic-routing blade, I must say!

>> No.18663180

>>18663141
I've sawed an ethereal's head off and tossed it at its midget troops. You wouldn't last five bloody minutes on Serica, cunt.
>>18663105
I went to a Schola. Trust me when I say I'll never want to stick my todger in one of those harpies.

>> No.18663191

I wanted a needler once.

The techpriest offered one to me-free!

Now I'm a servitor.

>> No.18663195

>>18663180
Yeah, I wouldn't blame you after that. Most of the ones over there are too focused on drilling the new recruits and being moral paragons for the next generation that they have all the social skills of that Tau-killing Necromundan's bloody grasshopper bat.

>> No.18663199

>>18663166
It still shocks me that places like this exist. I mean, It SHOULDN'T! I've been to worlds were a sharp stick and bow was the pinnacle of warfare but...
Hey Nigel, just wait until Flak Jackets and Lasguns start cropping up. When a Bolter finds it's way into your neighborhood you will SHIT yourself with excitement.

>> No.18663200

>>18663163
The Souther piece of Говно started with the insults. He can go fuck his father.
>>18663166
You know, comrade, long time in Guard teach me that is all you need to fight xenos. Remember to bayonet multiple times in head.

>> No.18663202

>>18663180
Yeah? Yeah? Well...the moment I find one of those guys, I'mma do you one better and beat the fucker to death with my bare hands. WITH MY BARE HANDS, LOOK MA, NO WEAPONS! And then I'mm steal its fuckin spear thing and I'mma stab the corpse with it and it'll be so cool and you'll know what a pussy you are.

>> No.18663205

>>18663140

Good luck with that, man. Hey, one of our cogboys is big on vehicles, he hasn't had much to do since our last chimera went belly up to an ambush except tinker with the sentinels, and the other Enginseer's better with those so he dosen't get to do a whole lot. They have some more operational freedom than we really give 'em credit, I can see if he can catch some transport your way. Emperor knows he needs some things to do, and we gotta keep the guns running. Infantry might be the Emperor's hammer, but an artillerist I once knew told me that it was you guys that had his Smite button.

>> No.18663213

I'm back. We got it cleared out, thank the Emperor. Thing damn near took one of the boys' hands off though. When they break, those edges are frakkin' sharp.
>>18663122
You're right. I haven't earned seeing her again. Not yet. That's *my* reward for service. At the end of it all, I'll get to see my Anya again.

>> No.18663218

>>18663202
Can someone tell me if all Necromundans are this...annoying? Since if I have to serve with them in the future, I'd rather know ahead of time if I'll have to arrange a couple accidents.

>> No.18663235

>>18663200
Not even a Valhallan, just an Alameinian who knew a Souther girl once, and don't you dare say shit about her.

>> No.18663237

>>18663199
I should hope not, good sir, for these uniforms tend to be costly to clean! But such is the march of progress I suppose.

Still, I must insist that there are few things quite as satisfying as a line of charging, slobbering heretics being cut down by the roar of musketry. Fewer still finishing off the remainder with a good firm strike of the bayonet! Perhaps not the most technically adroit means in this great age, but it certainly teaches our Emperor's enemies a right agonising lesson, sir!

>> No.18663255

>>18663218
Nah, it's just some of the ex-gangers who still think their old crew means shit out here in the real Imperium.
The one's who DON'T make you want to murder them in their sleep are some of the best city fighters in the Imperium.

>> No.18663258

>>18663199

That sounds like my cue...

Greetings, Nigel Sir Antonius William Foppelbottom. My name is Wilberforce Olivares and, as the representative of the beneficent and wealthy Olivares dynasty, am privileged to offer you a wond'rous deal.

This weapon is called a lasgun. It will kill a man in a single shot at ten times the range of your primitive blunderbusses. You only need to reload after sixty shots, and each lasgun comes with four spare sixty-shot cells.

For some trifling mining rights and, say, your northernmost continent I would be pleased to give you six crates of these lasguns. You could equip your entire army with these and fight of a thousand Ork invaders?

Did I mention the Ork invaders? That falling star you saw six days ago wasn't a falling star at all. Now, Nigel Sir Antonius William Foppelbottom, sign here.

>> No.18663267

>>18663218
Yes. That or a back of thieves. Not NEALY as bad as those damned Chem-Dogs though.
>>18663237
Firing Lines? Must be nice. Out in the wastes fighting Tyranids... too many to line up for. All you do is make getting eaten easier.
>>18663213
Earn your place, fight tooth and nail, and the Emperor will welcome you with open arms and escort you to her personally. And you earn it with every drop of Xeno and Heretic blood you spill.

>> No.18663276

>>18663235
Souther girls get it in all holes by regiment, you know this, yes? If you fucked her, make sure you do not have the dick rot.
The most she ever care of you is your ration pack, Дурак.

>> No.18663291

>>18663276

Hey, look man, I know you Valhallans are all for the rivalry thing... but let's not talk bad about the dead, please? It's bad luck. And bad taste.

And you're taunting an artillerist, which is never a good idea.

We're all servants of the emperor, we can at least show each other common fucking courtesy (with regards to the chain of command).

>> No.18663293

>>18663255
>>Murder them in their sleep
Hah, shows what you know, I only sleep six hours every four days. Pure adrenaline, baby, nothing like it for killing pussy-faces, bug-fuckers, traitors, and scale-cocks. Oh, for those keeping score, it's up to 15 pussy-faces, 3 bug-fuckers, and gonna get me a new pair of shoes soon, fuck yeah.

>> No.18663295

Jesus, all you guys in love with Southern Vallhallans?
Give me a Cadian, any day. She'll rock you in bed because she knows any day might be her last. And let me just tell you... some of those Hand to Hand moves they learn? Not just for killing Heretics.

>> No.18663300

>>18663258
Bloody traders. You have your deal, sir, and they had best be in finest working order that we might prevent the scabrous hordes from overrunning your continental prize!

>> No.18663301

>>18663276
Tell me, filthy Nort медведь ублюдок, where are you stationed right now?

>> No.18663308

THE FUCK ARE ALL YOU LAZY ENLISTED GRUNTS DOING JABBERING ON THE BLESSED EMPEROR'S (blesshisnameamen) TIME! YOU LAZY FUCKING CUNTS, I DON'T SEE YOU KILLING ANYONE WHILE YOU CHAT WITH YOUR DICKS OUT AND YOUR DRAWERS DOWN! WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU PLAN ON DOING IF A LICTOR TURNS UP BEHIND YOU AND ATTEMPTS TO GNAW YOUR DAMNED COCK OFF! GET BACK TO WORK! NOW!

>> No.18663320

Hey you guys... I um, have a unique problem.
You see... I think I'm more metal then man by now. I've been in A LOT of fights and I've gotten A LOT of stuff replaced due to damage. Most of my internal organs, both eyes, and all my limbs aren't flesh anymore, and some of the Cogboys... or Girls in this case, well they've been giving me funny looks lately.

>> No.18663326

>>18663295
Kasrkin here. Actually, they're all for killing heretics, it's just that we Cadians prize the skills of flexibility and adaptation to unusual circumstance.

Yes, even the one thing she did with her legs. You know what I speak of.

>> No.18663327

>>18663295
Give me Krieg woman any day. Dig trenches and make fortifications like no other.

>> No.18663328

>>18663295

Ain't that the truth, brother. Not that any have treated with me since I took the ride out Blackwards, but the memories are there.

I remember this one girl, back when I was a whiteshield, from Kasr Barghest... they'd had me for a sniper even then, she was my spotter. She was my first, really. First alot of things. Haven't seen her since I got taken by the Ships, and, well, met another on there, and through training... eh, shit. I'm a psyker, I have shit luck with the ladies by default.

>> No.18663331

>>18663308
I'll turn around and blow it's head off with a shotgun. I'm doing windage calculations right now while I attempt to carry on a civil conversation without plotting the "accidental" shelling of a certain Nort Valhallan's position.

>> No.18663333

>>18663300

I assure you that every lasgun has been hand inspected and meets Munitorium standards. Our deals may not be fair but they are honest. And because I admire that mustache of yours (damn good show!) have a set of matching laspistols as a token of our appreciation.

Now I'm off to get the mining drills set up. By my estimation you have three days until the Orks arrive.

>> No.18663341

>>18663291
In Valhalla, is practically required to speak ill of dead. After all, tomorrow we probably die too.
>>18663301
Uprising on Kenetos Tertius, Козёл. Soft heretical fucks with softer women. Is practically vacation.
Meanwhile, your little Пизда с ушами is getting ass fucked in the afterlife. I pray to Emperor I am never as pathetic as you.

>> No.18663343

>>18663308

SIR I AM AT WORK SIR.

I HAVE BEEN OVEREXTENDING MY ABILITIES IN ORDER TO BETTER PROTECT MY REGIMENT SIR.

I AM CURRENTLY IN ENFORCED DOWNTIME TO PREVENT WARP CONTAMINATION SIR.

THE COMMISSAR INSISTED SIR.

As far as lictors go, sir, it wouldn't sneak up on me. And if it was there, I'd kill it, sir. This longlas ain't for show.

>> No.18663364

>>18663327
You've been to Krieg? Why would you ever do that?
Otherwise, if you think the Death Korps has chicks, I have some bad news.

>> No.18663365

>>18663333
AND YOU! WHAT IS A EMPEROR (blesshisholynamehewhoguidesusthroughthedarkamen) DAMNED ROGUE TRADER DOING ON MILITARY CHANNELS, UNDERCUTTING THE EMPEROR'S (hewhoguideshumanityfromhisgoldenthroneamen) MILITARY! I OUGHTA HAVE YOU STRUNG UP FOR TREASON, YOU GREASY-BEARDED BASTARD!
>>18663328
>>18663327
>>18663326
AND YOU PERVERTS! MIGHT I ASK TO SEE YOUR UPLIFTING PRIMERS? I THINK IT MIGHT JUST SAY SOMETHING ABOUT LUSTFUL THOUGHTS, IF YOU HAVEN'T DEFACED, ALTERED, OR DAMAGED IT, THAT IS!

>> No.18663392

>>18663326
Oh the Emperor's Throne I know which one you mean! I mean... Wow.It felt like she could have snapped my neck with her thighs at any second.. and she probably could too.
>>18663308
>>18663365
SIR! NOTHING TO KILL ONT HE SHIP SIR! WAITING FOR DEPLOYMENT!

>> No.18663398

>>18663365
I do not know your regiments, but Ice Warrior regiments get porno slates as reward measure. Maybe we just have better regulations.
Valhalla strong!

>> No.18663404

>>18663364
Am from Krieg, what bad news you have? That you not can tell which Krieg women?

>> No.18663408

>>18663320
DUDE! Techpriestesses? GO FOR IT MAN! GO FOR IT!

>> No.18663418

>>18663341
Any artillerists stationed there on this channel?
You'd have my eternal gratitude if this сперма поглощающей педик were to suffer an untimely death in an unfortunate incident of a bad barrage. Yes, I speak your language. I know everything you've been calling her. And I hope you know that your death in the Emperor's name will bring me much joy.

>> No.18663427

>>18663365
I know my regulations well, Sergeant. Lustful thoughts are not banned by regulation, but rather excessive lascivious activity--a definition marked as to be defined by individual unit commanders, within reason--is what is prohibited.

>> No.18663433

>>18663365
Trench secured sir! Primer sir! Not defaced sir! No lustful thoughts sir! Only speaking of Krieg guardswomen's great skills sir!

>> No.18663434

Yup. Guardsman's life for me all right, With all these... strong men.

>> No.18663436

>>18663404
I work in the Munitorum. There are no female or co-ed regiments that come from Krieg. It's like Vostroya in that.
Secondly, why in the Emperor's holy name is a Krieger on here? I thought you people didn't know the meaning of "down time".
Besides, I imagine Krieger sex is a dour affair done with the lights out solely for the purpose of procreation.

>> No.18663449

>>18663365

At ease, soldier! It is good for morale! Let the men have their fun! I, myself, have slept with Rogue Traders, smoking-hot Inquisitors, and many an Imperial planetary noble on my tours of duty throughout the Imperium! I see no reason why the common Guardsman should not!

Emperor be praised, men!

>> No.18663453

>>18663418

This is why you don't taunt artillerists... ah well.

Oh, been meaning to ask. Anyone stationed on Faerhaus IV heard rumors about metal men? There's been this weird neural buzzing I've been getting lately, and our cogboy's been acting stranger than usual. Not sure what's going on there. Not sure if I want to.

>> No.18663456

>>18663427
That said, it is a good idea to keep a reign in on any emotions in the field. Practice control enough, you'll eventually be able to beat an Eldar haemonculus in a staring contest.

>> No.18663459

>>18663418
BOY, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION IS, BUT I DAMN SURE DO KNOW THAT ARRANGING FRIENDLY FIRE INCIDENTS IS FUCKIN' TREASON! NOW AS SOON AS SOMEONE WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO HAND ME THEIR UPLIFTING PRIMER, WHICH REGULATIONS STATE IS TO BE ON ALL SOLDIERS' PERSONS AT ALL TIMES, I CAN LOOK UP WHAT PUNISHMENT THAT WARRANTS!
>>18663398
YOURS IS A DEGENERATE, FILTHY COUNTRY, SON! AND YOU GET PORNO CAUSE YOU'RE TWO STEPS ABOVE FUCKING OGRYN! LITERALLY, I MIGHT ADD, IN FACT! I AM CADIAN, 1092ND MECHANIZED INFANTRY, AND YOU FUCKERS HAD BEST NOT FORGET IT! WE ARE THE BEST, OF THE BEST, OF THE BEST, AND WHENEVER FUCKING ABBADON POKES HIS HEAD OUT OF THE EYE OF TERROR, WE SHOVE OUR BOOTS SO FAR UP HIS ASSHOLE HE SPITS SHOE LEATHER FOR THE NEXT DECADE!

>> No.18663461

>>18663365

Good afternoon... sergeant? He-on-Terra it's been a while since I've stooped to addressing a sergeant directly.

As you well know, I am Baron Seneschal Wilberforce Olivares, sanctioned representative of the ancient and glorious Rogue Trader dynasty. This is a copy of the Olivares Warrant of Trade. No, please consider it a gift. I have several other copies.

If you get one of your more literate soldiers to read it to you I'm sure you'll notice several clauses pertinent to the situation at hand. Suffice to say that I am legally allowed to do whatever I damn well please on military channels provided I am aiding in the defense of the Imperium.

I am NOT beholden to a jumped-up, starch-boiled, leatherfaced, illiterate boil of a SERGEANT on some HALF-ASSED MORAL CRUSADE.

And if you dare, Sergeant, if you DARE address me without my full title again I will deliver to you an ARMADA of PAIN. IT WILL BE LIKE THE 13TH BLACK CRUSADE ROLLED UP TO YOUR TENT TO DELIVER A PERSONAL ASS-FUCKING. ABBADON THE FUCKING DESPOILER HAS /NOTHING/ ON THE WRATH I CAN AND WILL DELIVER, YOU IMPERTINENT LITTLE SHIT.

Get off the channel, Sergeant. Some of us are doing the Emperor's work.

>> No.18663465

>>18663427
Hey! No back talking officers! You're lucky I haven;t figured out this Commissar thing yet, Or it would probably be my duty to report you or something.
Hey wait... I'm allowed int he Officer's mess now...

>> No.18663478

>>18663449
SIR! YES SIR! UNDERSTOOD, SIR! AS YOU COMMAND, SIR!
>>18663461
ARRANGING FOR AN ORK INVASION OF A PRIMITIVE WORLD DOESN'T SOUND LIKE AIDING DEFENSES TO ME, SON, IT SOUNDS LIKE TREASON! AND I AM GUNNERY SERGEANT, FIRST CLASS, TO YOU!

>> No.18663484

Oh, you guardsmen having yourselves a little lady break? That's nice.
I'm a stormtrooper, fellas. You might have heard of us before you pissed yourself at the sight of a ripper. We're the best at what we do, and we get all the best toys to do it. Meanwhile, the Inquisitrix I'm attached to likes to get down and dirty with her guard.
What's it like being cannon fodder?

>> No.18663496

All right, that's it! All of you back to your posts! Nothing to see here, move along, move along.
Oh, and remember, we're watching you. Yes YOU.

>> No.18663497

>>18663459
SERGEANT! THE COMMENT WAS NOT TO BE TAKEN LITERALLY! THE NORTHERN VALHALLAN IN QUESTION WAS DISPARAGING THE HONOR OF AN INDIVIDUAL WHO DIED HEROICALLY IN SERVICE OF THE EMPEROR WHOSE HAND GUIDES US ALL! MY ONLY DESIRE WAS TO CORRECT HIS ERROR BEFORE HE MADE THE MISTAKE OF MAKING THOSE SAME COMMENTS BEFORE A MEMBER OF THE COMMISSARIAT!

>> No.18663504

>>18663459
Kasrkin here. I've seen the 1092nd in action and if this is any indication as to what the general attitude of the non-coms in that unit are like, it would explain several severe deficiencies in several aspects of unit performance. Most notable of which, as I recall, were an inability to maintain cool nerves under fire and a general air of malaise over most of the troops serving therein.

>> No.18663508

>>18663418
You do not even know where on planet I am.
You are so stupid, is funny to me.

>> No.18663509

>>18663484

You're not in the position to be asking, stormy. If I wasn't a psyker I'd've been a shoe-in for Kasrkin, and I've seen our elites kick your sorry schola-trained asses up and down the fields during inter-regiment sports competitions. I don't need the Warp to whip your ass like a stubborn grox.

>> No.18663516

>>18663436
Unfortunately, downtime often because mix unit on Tranch. Others in squad sleep more than hour, and eat in mess and such between mission. In underground base, so no dig trench or fortifications. Weapons almost no paint because clean often. Krieg sex not bad, horrible birth rate means sexing necessary often. Am sterile, but no tell ladies.

>> No.18663538

>>18663478

Well, Gunnery Sergeant First Class, if it is treason we are discussing then I will give you a few words of caution.

If you imply that the Olivares dynasty arranged the Ork invasion of a primitive world to secure some meager mining rights then you had best back that up with some evidence.

I suspect you have no evidence, Gunnery Sergeant First Class.

I suspect, Gunnery Sergeant First Class, that you wouldn't know an Ork migration from the syphilitic pus that drains from your ruined todger. I suspect, Gunnery Sergeant First Class, that you are a coward, a bully, and a loudmouthed cad. And unlike you I have evidence to back up my accusations.

Now go back to shouting at whiteshields in a ditch on Cadia. I don't answer to Sergeants.

>> No.18663551

Me am on tyepy box thingy! Tekpreest am saying it no work, but me am Bonehead and am saying proper prayers!
Ripperguns best guns, go BANG BANG BANG! and makign the Ork things go ded!

>> No.18663552

>>18663509
Kasrkin? Please, you Cadians are overrated.
I can field strip a plasmagun in six seconds. Beat that.

>> No.18663563

>>18663552
Plasmaguns can't be fieldstripped. Too volatile. I'm a fucking artillerist and I know that. Confirmed for notaStromtrooper.

>> No.18663567

>>18663516
I'm making a note here: Krieg regiments on Tranch showing disturbing signs of slipping indoctrination Correct post haste.

>> No.18663579

>>18663552
Hmmm... well I have more money then your entire planet!

>> No.18663586

>>18663552

<<TROOPER. AS YOU DESIGNATED ENGISEER I MUST CAUTION YOU NOT TO...>>

<<Bother. Another one vapourized. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you. Do NOT disassemble a plasma gun. They are sacred relics of the Machine God. Their spirits are very... vengeful.>>

>> No.18663588

>>18663552

I've seen five Kasrkin storm a bunker containing eighteen Chaos Space Marines and live, no casualties.

I've seen three Kasrkin, working in tandem, kill a Bloodthirster in hand to hand combat.

I've seen one Kasrkin, Emperor bless his soul, hold his position for seventy-eight standard hours against a never-ending wave of vile cultists while the rest of the regiment retreated, because he had his left leg blown off earlier that day and would slow us down.

You don't have SHIT on Kasrkin, you jumped-up over-educated glory-hogging bastard.

>> No.18663605

>>18663579

Good afternood Lord Captain! Have I introduced myself? Baron Seneschal Wilberforce Olivares, at your service.

>> No.18663609

>>18663563
Maybe not your shitty ones. I have a genuine Ryza Light Plasma Rifle Mk. MMXVII. Literally made to be be stowed away when not in use.
Shows what you know.

>> No.18663625

>>18663567
There Krieg regiments here? Please to transfer back! Miss brothers, others like talk here, I no like to talk. Unit lack discipline too, no schedule. I try myself but hard.

>> No.18663647

Pfft, you guys still use POWER and CHAIN swords? Lathe blades were here, maybe you guys should get a real man's weapon. It was forged at super high gravity to make the greatest cutting weapon known to the galaxy.

>> No.18663648

>>18663588
>I've seen five Kasrkin storm a bunker containing eighteen Chaos Space Marines and live, no casualties.

That was us. To be PERFECTLY fair, we brought up some heavy weapons and managed to get a really good enfilade down the bunker's hallway. Whoever designed that bunker should be reprimanded; if it'd been any of our boys in there when the Traitor Marines came knocking, it would've been mostly the same story.

>> No.18663653

>>18663579
Ah, milady!

How go your travels since our last midnight rendezvous? They go well, I hope.

>> No.18663655

>>18663647
Folded ten billion times to cut through a tank, right?

>> No.18663675

>>18663588
I've personally, with the aid of another trooper, obliterated a daemonhost that was tearing the fabric of reality by existing and literally obliterated a regiment by itself in the half hour it did, in fourteen seconds.
Lost both my arms but survived.
I've personally taken out... let me see... about twenty-two Chaos Space Marines in one campaign, with an inferno pistol.
Kasrkin ain't shit.

>> No.18663689

>>18663655

That's a Mechanicus secret.

Lathe blades are fancy and will get you laid on any ship from here to Port Wander, but for versatility you want a power sword. You /can/ cut through a tank with a power sword. You can /try/ to cut through a tank with a Lathe blade.

Lathe body-blower rounds, on the other hand, are worth every throne.

>> No.18663697

>>18663655
It's stripped down. Doesn't lose much punch and can fit in a case. Pretty much mandatory if you're constantly on the move, fighting daemons.

>> No.18663703

>>18663675

You wouldn't happen to be related to the Lord Captain Munchhausen, would you? You sound just like him.

>> No.18663710

>>18663703
You know what happens when you shoot a Space Marine in the face with a melta from ambush?
Go on, guess.
They're not invincible. The fact that Cadia is still standing attest to that.

>> No.18663715

>>18663675

Because a Daemonhost is totally the equal to a Bloodthirster (or, taking numbers into account, 2/3rds of a bloodthirster). Don't talk to me about dealing with Daemonhosts, you poncy bitch, I am a Psyker, I am aware of the differences in power between types of Daemon. Even an Unbound is lesser than a Bloodthirster, their only 'benefit' to the fucking ruinous powers is that they last longer in the Materium.

Also, good job on using an inferno pistol for all that! It's nice, how it tears right through armor, isn't it? Man, you are such a badass, I am just swooning, look at me fucking swoon, you have all the gear forever. You got power armor of your own too, Storm McBadass?

>> No.18663727

>>18663689
Kasrkin here, one of my squadmates uses a Lathe dagger for CQC. It greatly outperforms a standard mono-enhanced combat knife, but is pretty much as you say. My power blade usually bites just that little bit deeper, which is a gift from the Emperor against some of the harder-shelled things we've had to get stuck in against. Both weapons in a well-trained hand are good reasons for the enemies of Man to fill their trousers, though.

>> No.18663732

>>18663715
Hey man, calm down. You're gonna make the little first-year Schola student who found his way onto the channel cry. And crying children are no fun.

>> No.18663751

>>18663732

Ugh, you're right man. I'm not gonna apologize to the little shit, but you're right. I'll stop taunting the stormy.

They just piss me off something fierce. And a pissed-off psyker's no good to the Emperor.

Alert's going, looks like we got Eldar fiddling around our outer perimeter, I have to report to my sniping post. Probably just a patrol, but hey, always need some target practice.

>> No.18663753

Hhhhhhey, nice lil' f-fffellows, guardsmen!

I just found my way into this channel, and oh boy-oh-boy, is there nothing like the joys of sex and drugs and worshippin' whil doin' the first two!

But no, not worshippin' that dusty ol' Emprah, no! Worshippin' a rrrrreal god, one like... Oh, I bet y-y-YOU! can guess!

>> No.18663756

>>18663715
Exactly what Stormtrooper have you heard of with power armor? It's armorplas carapace.
So, next you'll tell me your Kasrkin beat Chaos Marines to death with their balls, right? You have to have armor piercing weapons just to get through the armor.
Finally, you have no idea how powerful a daemonhost can be. You truly do not. To be fair, how could you?
Daemonhosts can destroy Titans. I have personally seen it. Many are no less powerful than a bloodthirster.

>> No.18663759

>>18663751
Split a few heads for Anya, will ya?

>> No.18663767

>>18663689
Yeah maybe if you get one of those wussy one handed dealies, tip, go for the two hander. You won't be able to parry but those power weapon wielding fuckers will start to feel a little more than inadequate.

Also

>Implying you need folding when you have the superior gravity of the Lathes

>> No.18663783

>>18663753
Throne damn it, is that you again Doomrider? Get the frak off the channel, and off Tranch for that matter!

>> No.18663785

>>18663756
Hey kid, you probably don't want to be caught up this late, I hear Schola punishments for first years impersonating graduates are pretty strict. Like, chop your dick off strict.

>> No.18663811

>>18663785
Like you'd know anything about drill abbots, grunt.
Jealousy will get you nowhere. You enjoy going deaf before you're thirty, if you live that long. I'll be busy making the Imperium safe for you to be incompetent in.

>> No.18663818

>>18663767
Which leads into a tip for those who are just getting their first issued power weapons: do not assume, ever, that your blade is going to shear through whatever parrying object the enemy interposes in its path on the first go. Even if you're lucky enough not to be swinging at something like an Eldar swordsman or an Ork with a power klaw, if the weapon it contacts is only in the field for a split-second, it may not be destroyed. Not being aware of this has gotten more good men slain in CQC than I ever want to see.

>> No.18663821

>>18663783
ARE YYYOU...

HhhhhhhHhHEY, ASSHOLE WHO SHOT MY BIKE!

YOU MADE IT STOP CRYING! I HATE IT WWWWWHEN MY BIKE STOPS CRYING!

>(indecipherable)

NNNNNAW, NOW I'M MAD! THESE ELDAR BABES CRY MORE WHEN I'M MAD, TTTTTHOUGH, SO I SSSSHOULD BE FINE

>> No.18663844

>>18663759

Done and done, my artillerist friend. Patrol of ten of their guardians, the citizen militia types, whatever? Six dead to mortar fire, I got the last four. Satisfying.

Warned our rear about infiltrators, though. Felt like something might have slipped through. Heard a few of our traps going off, Captain's sending Squad Phi to go have a look, worried it might be some of those scorpion whatevers. I said I'd send word down the vine to other enlisted to keep an eye out for the sneaky fuckers.

>> No.18663870

>>18663844
Thanks. You're a good guy. She'd have liked you. And I'll let the boys on guard duty know.

>> No.18663888

Anyone got any tips for gettin rid of this guy? He keeps trying to get my squad mates to do cocaine with him.
>>18663821

>> No.18663907

Hello, you plodding mon-keighs. My name is Farseer Macha, and while I'm certain all of you are enjoying your usual mon-keigh banter about your primitive weapons and tribal units, perhaps we could cease the aggressive foolishness to speak of matters of a slightly more...*cough*...intimate nature...

>> No.18663915

>>18663907
None of us are going to give you any dickings Xeno whore.

>> No.18663919

>>18663888
Mordian here again. Not sure...isn't he supposed to just up and fucking vanish at random?

>> No.18663921

>>18663907

Lady, I hate to say this, but one, you're a Xeno, so not with a ten foot pole, two, even if you weren't, I'm a psyker, so it's basically forbidden, and three, not on the first date.

Oh, and four, you're a xeno.

... and five, you're kinda on the skinny side. No muscles at all.

>> No.18663922

>>18663907
>Primitive weapons

Bitch the FUCK you say? I wield a goddamn LATHE BLADE, BREAK OUT YOUR SWORD WE'LL SEE WHO IS FUCKING PRIMITIVE COME OOOON MOTHERFUCKER LETS DO IT YEEEAAAAAHHHHHH

>> No.18663934

>>18663907
Hey, why don't ya give the Culexus temple a call, I'm sure they'd have someone perfect for ya.

>> No.18663943

>>18663915
>>18663921
OH COME THE FUCK ON! It's not like I can help it if we Eldar develop strength through wiry slenderness rather than your delicious--I mean disgusting bulging bulk!

....

IN ANY CASE! Fine! I hope a Harlequin finds the both of you and delivers a mono-wire enema up your overly-tight mon'keigh arseholes!

>> No.18663945

>>18663919
Yeah, but he keeps coming back.

>> No.18663952

>>18663907
>>18663943
HEY, BABE, BAAAAAAAABE, BAAAAAAAAAAAA-ABE.

NO PARTY-PRRRRROWLERS LIKE THESE GHASTLY GUARRRRRDS WOULD EVEN THINK ABOUT THINKIN' ABOUT TTTTTOUCHIN' YA TILL YA PUT DOWN THAT NASTY-GROSS MAGIC ROCK'A YOURS!

PUT THAT DUMB THING DOWN AND I'LL GET YOU SOME GOOD OL' COCAAAAAAAINE AND A MEETIN' WITH OL' SLANEESH ITSELF!

SO WHY NO-

>(impossilby fast babble)

>> No.18663962

>>18663943

For the glory of the Imperium I, Baron Seneschal Wilberforce Olivares, will do the deed of shame with the xenos.

Prepare yourself, witch.

>> No.18663969

>>18663943
Listen lady, if you had been born in the light of the Emperor, and if I weren't already taken, I'd take you up on your offer in a heartbeat. But I AM already taken, and you're a filthy xeno. By the way, the bulk is from lifting and moving Earthshaker rounds. Things are frakkin' heavy. There's a reason artillerists get all the pussy.

>> No.18663973

>>18663943
DO YOU KNOW WHO WIELDS A LATHE BLADE? LORD FUCKING HAX OF THE CALIXIS SECTOR. THAT'S RIGHT. LORD THRONE DAMNED MOTHERFUCKING HAX, THE SECTOR LEADER. THE BEST THRONING COMMANDER OF A SECTOR OF ALL TIME BUT FOR HIS GLORY THE GOD EMPEROR.

HE WIELDS A GODDAMN LATHE BLADE I WILL CUT YOU I WILL KILL YOU I WILL KILL YOUR I WILL BURN DOWN YOUR HOUSE I WILL EAT YOUR LITTLE MONOFILAMENT WIRES OM NOM NOM NOM THAT'S THE SOUND I WOULD BE MAKING IF I WERE EATING THEM LIKE THAT WITH MY LATHE TEETH.

>> No.18663976

>>18663821
OH HEy, my MaiN ManN, duDe BRO.

You StIll h3re?

dood, hOw do I, likE, keeP Th0se babbies Cry1ng lonGer WhEn us1ng THEm As CoNdoms?

theygosquishwaytoofast

>> No.18663987

>>18663952
I think not. But I do have a friend by the name of Idranel who I'm sure will be DELIGHTED to meet you.

>>18663962
On the other hand...*cough*

>> No.18664005

>>18663987

Woo! Warrant of Traaaaade!

>> No.18664006

>>18663973
Be silent, loud mon'keigh, or I shall violate your mind even harder than I hope the Baron violates me.

>> No.18664019

Well, all you savages might still be using Lathes (which admittedly have a special place in my heart), and Monos,
but, as an Inquisitor, I have free reign over what weapons I choose.
Whether or not it means scamming some VERY stupid acolytes out of the Luminous Reproach or not is entirely inconsequential.
Told them it was a shitty old mono-saber. They believed me.

>>18663907
Babe, I have a Shuriken Cannon, Force Shield and Witchblade, wanna hook up sometime?

>> No.18664021

>>18664006
Wait a minute...
Mon'keigh...
Monkeigh...
BITCH HAVE YOU BEEN CALLING US MONKEYS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

>> No.18664024

(Somebody archive this for the love of god.)

>> No.18664025

>>18664006

You xenos are fucking weird.

... how did you even get on here, anyway? I thought your shit was all psychic wibbly wobbly stuff. It sure as hell feels like it, your armor and vehicles nearly damn glow when I'm sighting downrange.

Can we get, like, a commissar or something in here? Or, uh, I guess the Rogue Trader... I mean, it's technically legal for them?

Rogue Traders are weird, man.

>> No.18664032

>>18664021
...What's a monkey?

>> No.18664041

>>18663976
MAAAAAN-BRO, BABIES AS CONDOMS? YOU ARE THHHHIIIIIS FUKKEN' VANILLA! YOU SHOULD SSSSPICE IT UP! GET, GOT ME, GET A, KEEP LISTENIN' GET AAAAA BUNCHA WIRES AND HONKTHEMUPTOYOURELLLLECTROFLAILSWHILEYOUTENTTTTACLELOVETHEMACHINESP-

>(gotta talk fast)

>>18663987
NOW NOOOW BABE, THAT GUY HASNOTAAASTE! YOU'RE ONLY GETTIN'LOSERS WITH THAT UGLY-STONE YOU HAVE UPYOURASS, MISS UPTIGHT-FRILLY-VANILLY-PANTIESWHODOESN'TEVENLISTENTOM-

>(speakers give out with a shriek)
>(electric hiss)

ANYWAYS,GOTTA RRRRRRRIDE, DUDE-GUARDS!

>> No.18664054

>>18664006

Ten thousand years of selective breeding and genetic tampering will not leave you disappointed, xenos witch. I will make the destiny of mankind abundantly clear to you through the medium of...

Well, let's just say that Baron Seneschal Wilberforce Olivares leaves none unsatisfied. Some of my former lovers required medical attention. I'm sure your perfidious xenos anatomy will cope.

>> No.18664061

>>18664054

... Rogue Traders are fucking weird, man, and this coming from a guy that can see and taste the future.

>> No.18664065

GAAAAH WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKING DOUBLE MON-KEIGHS JUST SENT DOOMRIDER INTO MY PRIVATE CHAMBERS, NAKED, ON TOP OF HIS FUCKING BIKE?! I'M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU THE NEXT TIME WE ENGAGE IN BATTLE.

>> No.18664071

>>18664065

>> No.18664079

>>18664054
I shall be the judge of that.

>>18664065
Our little secret, of course.

>> No.18664080

>>18664054
Heathen scum! You would consort with the fair Xenos... alone?
In the name of Him on Terra, and the Inquisition, I WILL JOIN YOU!

>> No.18664084

>>18664006
>Violating the mind of someone with a Lathe blade
Haven't you HEARD, you SILLY ELDAR? Wielding a lathe blade brings in harmony the BLADE and the MIND. That means my BLADE IS MADE OF LATHE METAL. I BET YOU CAN'T FUCK WITH THAT. HARDEST FUCKING MIND IN THE GALAXY.

I WILL HEADBUTT YOUR ASS.

>> No.18664087

>>18664065
>>18664071 DID IT!

>> No.18664089

>>18664061

(We must all make sacrifices for the good of Mankind. In my case, I will just have to grin and bear it. An unsatisfied Farseer is likely to start scheming, and that's /never/ a good thing.)

>> No.18664096

>>18664087
YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP

>> No.18664108

>>18664089

As you say, Baron. Uh. Good luck?

oh, Emperor, that's what that headache is. Who sent a whole damn crate of psyk-out grenades to a frontline regiment with active battle-psykers? Those damned things give me a migraine something fierce just being nearby.

>> No.18664109

MACHA, I'VE GOT FIFTY FUCKING MIND BULLETS WAITING FOR YOU WHEN YOU COME BACK FROM YOUR DOUBLE-MON'KEIGH FUCKFEST.

Also, uh, "mon'keigh" is not a pun on purpose, just a very amusing coincidence. NOW GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

>> No.18664110

>>18664065
CCCCCCCHILLLL, MASSLESS-ASSLESS!

I BROUGHTCATACHANSUPERWEED AND POWDERED GROX LIVERS MARINATED IN POCKETSPAGHETTIFOR SLANNY'S SAKE!

PPPPPPUT DOWN THE SILLYPUSSYREPULSERGUN AND THAT UGLY ROCK AND LLLLLLLLET'S HAVE A GOOOOOOD LONG TALKIN' TIME!

>> No.18664111

>>18664096
Make me Xeno whore.

>> No.18664123

>>18664080

You will have to get in line, I'm afraid. I'll 'plunder your forbidden vaults' when I'm finished with the Farseer.

Baron Seneschal Wilberforce Olivares is an equal opportunity rake!

>> No.18664126

>>18664109
I fucking hate you people. Even though I also want to ride you 'til the coming of Khaine.

>> No.18664139

THIS ENTIRE THREAD. NOW.

>> No.18664144

>>18664109

Oh God-Emperor, another angry Farseer.

Well I'm afraid you can wait in line too. Cut in before that blustering Inquisitor; I'm sure he won't mind.

>> No.18664157

>>18664126
Didn't Slaanesh smash Khaine to tiny bits, in his mercy?

>> No.18664166

Emperor's mercy on all all you filthy, filthy heretics.
Eldar and IG sharing wavelengths?
And was that an ORK I heard earlier, or was that just one of you uncultured Guardsmen butchering low Gothic more than it's already butchered to begin with?

The chapter's techpriests are logging your port access points as we speak; I hope you've all made peace with the Emperor; you're all going to meet him realtively soon. Except for you, you xenos witch.

>> No.18664168

>>18664157
Well why do you think he has to come back first?

>> No.18664175

>>18664166
Sir, the Xenos hacked our channel! It was immediately reported and the techpriests are working on it!

>> No.18664179

>>18664166

Well sir, let's be fair, it's basically an intelligence gathering mission. So far, we've found out that apparently the xenos scum is constantly lusting after Rogue Trader sex.

Therefore we're gonna have to weaponize our Rogue Traders to combat the Xenos threat.

More than we already have, anyway.

>> No.18664182

>>18664166

And me, Baron Seneschal Wilberforce Olivares!

Warrant of Traaaaade! Hahahahaha!

>> No.18664192

>>18664166
Try using proper encryption next time, mon'keigh.

I go to my, er...rendezvous. Perhaps if I meet any of your units on the battlefield I'll leave a few less mentally ruptured and dead than I normally would. Of course you should really consider it an honor to be personally dismembered and mind raped by a Farseer.

>> No.18664198

>>18664182
That picture is exactly three thousand eight hundred forty-six separate kinds of heresy. Make your peace with the Emperor.

>> No.18664201

>>18664182
>>18664192

Xenos and Rogue Traders are fucking weird. I stand by this statement, and I will for the rest of my life.

Fucking weird.

>> No.18664206

>>18664182
Kasrkin here. M'lord Baron, just between you and me...you're planning on standing that haughty xeno bitch up like a boss, right?

>> No.18664208

>>18664166
Woah woah woah.

Woah.

I was just praising lathe blades.

The greatest blades known to the galaxy? Made by the glorious Imperium? Wielded by Lord Hax?

>> No.18664217

>>18664175
Then WHY are you still LISTENING!
It can't be helped you don't understand how contamination works, but the purge must be complete. That good servants of the Emperor should be eliminated by their own allies is always regrettable. But it is necessary.
Your sacrifice will matter, guardsman. Do not think otherwise.

...and you beleived one of those assholes would actually take the time to talk to you! World Eaters here; the Emperor sucks cocks in the Warp and Slaanesh followers are innefectual manlovers. Also, OP is a faggot; needlers are for Eldurr and Loyalists.

>> No.18664220

>>18664179

(And before you break out the pyre and stakes I should point out that, post-coitus, I intend to leave the Farseer a special gift. I was given to me by Lord Inquisitor Torq, though I made a few special modifications for this occasion.

It's a null rod.

With a... unique... shape.

Hopefully the Farseer will be too... occupied to notice that her witchcraft has left her.)

Now, to coitus! I shall gird my loins with the condom of contempt!

>> No.18664230

>>18664220
...All glory to the God-Emperor on the Golden Throne.

>> No.18664239

>>18664220
>condom of contempt
OI WOTS A CONDOM.
SOUNDS DEAD KILLY.

>> No.18664245

>>18664217
YOU SAY WHAT YOU AAAAAXE-GROPING HETEROSEXUAL BORINGFUCKMADEOFNOTHING FUN AT ALL YOU SHITTY-

GOTTARIDE, ASSHOLE KHORNITEFUCKERSLANEESHDA-

>(UNFILTERED SOUND OF THE WARP)

I'M GOING TO GO FUCK TZEENTCH'S FAVORITE ELDRITCH HORROR AFTER TURNING IT INTO A BABY HORSE

LLLLLLLLLATER, LOSERS

>> No.18664247

>>18664220

Emperor above, Baron, you're a cruel man. Two thumbs up from this battle-psyker.

If you ever find yourself near the Cadian 875th... well hell, I'm just a guardsman, but I'd buy a drink for you all the same. Just don't try to steal me from the regiment like the last rogue trader did because she needed another pet psyker. That was creepy and awkward, especially when I had to put on the cat ears...

... You know, let's just move on. I've got my daily alch and lho rations, I'm ducking away from the sensitive cogitators before the Enginseer glares me to death for having these near it.

>> No.18664255

>>18664220
Dude, don't be a fag; you'll just feed Slaanesh that way. Just kill her straight off, and fuck the body I guess! Chain-axes make the best holes! You have a chain axe, right, you Captain Fagmaster of the Emperor's Frilly Man-Thong?

>> No.18664266

>>18664239

In my case, imagine an rubber-coated earthshaker cannon, only larger...

Wait, by the Emperor, this gentleman is no gentleman at all! By the blessed saints! He's an Ork!

Nigel Sir Antonius William Foppelbottom! To arms! The Orks have infiltrated the highest levels of our chain of command!

>> No.18664270

What the hell is going on in this thread?

>> No.18664279

>>18664266
HAVE AT THEM, MY LADS!

>> No.18664292

>>18664270

Just a bunch of folk sharing stories, and one Rogue Trader boinking xenos in the name of the Emperor.

Pull up a seat, metaphorically, have some amasec, take a load off your mind. We're all friends here, 'cept me and that stormy from earlier, and that necromundan and... basically everyone. And our arty friend and that one Valhallan.

>> No.18664297

>>18664247

It seems the provincials are taking care of the Ork menace quite nicely. Give 'em hell, boys!

I doubt I will pass close to the Cadian gate but, should I venture that way on some curious adventure, I will be sure to give you my regards.

And should you ever chose to... leave the service, shall we say, there will always be a place for you in the Olivares dynasty.

>> No.18664310

>>18664279
>>18664266
GORK AN' MORK BOYS!
THEY FINALLY FOUND OUT!
TOOK 'EM LONG ENUFF!
Good luck krumpin me ya gits; oi'm behind sevin scramblas on a rok in da warp.

Wots ya want a rubber earthshaka for?

>> No.18664338

>>18664297

I'll keep that in mind, sir, but I go where the Adeptus Ministorum, the Adeptus Astra Telepathica, and my commanding officer tells me to go. I do know some folk on Cadia that are always willing to pay for, uh, additional supplies, though. I'm sure you're used to the concept, Baron. Look up a Ratling attached to the 976th, goes by Cook. He... runs that sorta thing 'round the Gate. You won't regret it.

He's a damn good cook, too.

>> No.18664351

Hey.

Hey.

Listen.

Guys.

Guys.

Listen.

....I'm a fucking Squat, you have to help us, we're stuck on--*crackle*

>> No.18664358

>>18664351
None of you fucking saw that. Not even the Inquisitor. Understand? Good.

>> No.18664366

>>18664358

Saw what, sir? I don't know anything about what you're talking about, at all. I didn't even see anything happening at all, sir.

Nothing at all.

>> No.18664373

By the Emperor, I've seem to have stumbled across the wrong vox channel...

>> No.18664379

>>18664310

Ah, the simple mind of the Ork...

Allow me to explain. I doubt you or any other Ork will understand the words I employ, let alone the meaning I intend to convey, but bear with me.

My "rubber-coated earthshaker", my "Arbites' baton", my "Spear of Twilight", and my "prow-mounted lance"; these are all names for the organ which, to the best of my knowledge, the Ork race lacks.

My "solo boltgun" has seen me through thick and thin. As I have said before I am an equal opportunity rake. My "gentleman's special vox-mast" has pleasured Admirals of the Fleet and wretched xenos witches. But unlike the depraved devotees of the Prince of Excess I do not wield my weapon for my own satisfaction. No, ladies and gentlemen.

It is in the Emperor's name that I hove to and fire broadsides. It is for the good of Mankind that I launch my torpedo of lust into the boudoir of Farseers, heretics, Commissars, Inquisitors, and guardsmen alike.

This duty and calling is one the Ork race will never understand and, quite frankly, I consider you lower than the meanest underhive wretch because of it.

Now die like the parthenogenic beasts you are. In the Emperor's name!

>> No.18664380

>>18664358
SIR YES FUKLAW SIR

Please don't kill me, I'm just a spec weapons trooper...

Oh Throne, I shat my pants.

>> No.18664400

>>18664358
Yer a git. Oi doesn't ferget nofink.
Wot's a squat? Is it like wat that otha 'umie git was describin wit da 'nalogies?

Oi still doesn't understand. Is it a choppy bit or is it shooty? Maybe it's smashy?
OI WANTS TA KNOWS.

>> No.18664413

>>18664379
Wez could build un wot wif more dakka

>> No.18664421

I don't normally do this, but on this occasion I feel a very strong urge to apologize for my sister's behavior on this channel. Honestly, I do not know why she does not simply pursue some of the mon'keigh living outside the Imperium's reach; some of them practically worship us anyway. Incidentally, Lord Baron, while Macha is not the brightest example of our race, I am pretty sure she knows what a null rod is. Be prepared to flee on a moment's notice. Farewell.

>> No.18664423

>>18664413

On your own time. I find that mine has quite enough "dakka" for any man or woman in the Imperium... and quite a few outside of it!

>> No.18664424

>>18664413
Shuddup yur a grot. We doesn't know if it's choppy yet; amd you only adds more dakka if dere is already dakka.
Dis why I'm da smartboy.

>> No.18664426

>>18664400
>>18664413
>>18664421
Gah, how did all these xenos get here?

Bloody xenos scum.

>> No.18664445

>>18664421

God-Emperor's britches, a third Farseer?

Many thanks for the warning; I have the teleportarium warmed up and a teleport homer cunningly concealed about my person.

In future, should you desire a delightful distraction from the dreary drudgery of psychic prophecy, just give me a call. I promise to leave the null rod behind.

>> No.18664449

>>18664426

Hell, don't ask me. Unless this is some sort of twisted trap set by the Ordo Xenos or something. Or they're just bored as hell.

On the subject of bored as hell, it ain't blasphemy to make a house of cards out of a set of the Emperor's Tarot, is it? Our regimental priest died in battle a few weeks ago and we don't have a replacement yet, or I'd ask him.

>> No.18664454

>>18664449
I could check with my Regimental priest for you. I'll be right back.

>> No.18664466

>>18664445
Your politeness is appreciated, but I remind you that I am married...and I do not believe I need to remind you of my husband's profession, so I must advise against making such statements openly.

>> No.18664491

>>18664449
Alright, so according to the priest, it's not heresy IF you call it a temple of cards and proceed to praise the Emperor upon it's completion.

>> No.18664501

>>18664466

Bah! I'm sure he could use a bit of spice in the bedroom, and I am more than happy to assist a member of the glorious Officio Assassinorum in releasing his tension, even if the tension comes as a direct result of being hunted by the Imperium at large.

And especially if he is finding his current matrimonial engagements... frosty. Or perhaps a bit bony around the hips, hmm?

>> No.18664508

>>18664491

Will do. Captain and Commissar are both insisting I stay off-duty for the next twenty-four hours, alerts or not, to conserve my strength, so I need some things to keep myself busy. Idle minds are terrible things, you know?

>> No.18664510

>>18664449
Bored as hell? Don't they have enough fun in their blood fueled orgys while slaying helpless servants of the god emperor?

Disgusting things.

>> No.18664515

>>18664501
Hmph. This is why so few of you mon'keigh ever accomplish anything. Someone goes out of their way to save your life, and you turn back and insult them.

...For the record, I'm quite content with my measurements. Farseer Idranel has quite a complex about it, though.

>> No.18664520

>>18664373
BRRRRRROTHEEEERRRRR

GREETINGS IMPERIAL CITIZENS AND SERVANTS OF THE GOD-EMPEROR.

>> No.18664529

Alright folks, I'm goin' off-duty now, gonna try to get some sleep. Maybe tonight'll be a good night and I won't hear her screamin'.

>> No.18664533

>>18664515

Only trying to serve the Emperor in my own special way.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must be off. Your darling sister is waiting with what I assume is fevered anticipation. Even if she is a xenos witch it would be simply inexcusable to forget my duty.

Baron Senschal Wilberforce Olivares, away!

(You may applaud, if you wish.)

>> No.18664537

>>18664510

Well, they gotta do something when they're not performing sickening blood rituals or other xenos things, I figure. I mean, look, take psykers, we can screw around with minds, but minds that are to different are harder to effect, right? But we can do things to Eldar, Tau, Ork minds, whatever, but it's harder, but not impossible, so they're at least similiar enough to allow that.

I figure boredom's a universal concept. I mean, it's curse enough, yeah?

>> No.18664551

(Seriously, somebody tell me this thread was archived, it was too brilliant)

>> No.18664556

>>18664551

No idea. Someone should really look into that.

>> No.18664562

>>18664556
I tried to get it up on chanarchive but it doesn't seem to be working.

>> No.18664567

>>18664551
>>18664556
>>18664562

(It's archived on sup/tg/, http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html as 'IG war stories')

>> No.18664572

>>18664567
(Kick. Ass.)

>> No.18664590

>this thread (chat?)

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