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[ERROR] No.17586782 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

Imperial Guardsman here. I fucking hate the Space Marines.

Now I know what the government tells you. They're the greatest warriors of the Emperor, et cetera. And you know what? It's true. It really it is true. I've heard about the Custodes and whatever, but the Space Marines are at the very least the most powerful large force in the Imperium. The thing is this: they're goddamn assholes.

So I live on the planet Fraxis V. You've probably never heard of it, I'm sure, but one hundred years ago, it was a pretty nice place. Then the Orkz invaded. We set off a beacon asking for Astartes help, and the local Imperial Guardsman regiment set off to contain the Orkz. Needless to say, we received no help, and the Orkz spread.

And spread.

And spread.

Five generations of war with the greenskins, nothing but trench fighting so brutal that I suspect even the Orkz were a little tired of it after a point (though I admit I can't be sure of that). This war started when my great-great-grandfather was twenty years old, and it ended five days ago, coincidentally on my twenty-sixth birthday.

>> No.17586784

>>17586782

For generations, we'd kept the hope going that the Space Marines would finally come, and our best engineers kept the beacon working for one hundred years straight, all the while receiving no word from the rest of the Imperium. We took things into our own hands about fifteen years ago, and, through the machinations of General Ralduun, we beat the Orkz back. We burned any land they'd owned to remove the spores. We even employed actual nukes. We spared nothing, and were rewarded with victory. The Orkz were all but defeated two weeks ago, and you might call it genocide, but we called it justice.

During our final push, enormous gray metal boxes fell from the sky. At first we'd thought these were some kind of new Ork weapon, but no. No, they were Space Marines. Crazy bald Nordic men on hovercycles and wielding chainswords came out and butchered the Orkz, barely sparing a moment to tell us that they were the Space Wolves and that they'd "take it from here, little men." And in fairness, they did. I won't take that away from them, they did kill the last Orkz and they probably saved thousands of Guardsmens' lives by sparing us the trouble.

But then they came to our capital city of Ralduuna and claimed all the credit. Do you know how many prostitutes twenty Space Wolves can handle at once? I do. The answer is "all of them." For two days, the Space Wolves celebrated "their" victory in Ralduuna. Guardsmen were so desperate they started pawing at statues of the general (I just masturbated in a bathroom, thinking of some Sisters of Battle I'd once seen a photograph of).

>> No.17586792

>>17586784

They *finally* left, having accidentally broken the hips of most of the city's women and drunk all the alcohol. They also ate all of our muffins, I don't know the deal with that.

Anyway, **** the Space Marines.

>> No.17586834

HERESY.

PARTRIDGES IN SPACE WOLVES ARMOUR? HAVE THEY NO SHAME?

>> No.17586861

>Do you know how many prostitutes twenty Space Wolves can handle at once? I do. The answer is "all of them."

I fucking lost it.

>> No.17586865

>>17586834

I think we all know the answer to that...

>> No.17586896

>>17586784
>all of them
Oh you fucking glorious asshole.

>> No.17586926

>>17586782
A++ Cool story, bro. Would read again.

>> No.17586993

*slow claps*

>> No.17587012

Space Wolf here. Fucking hate ungrateful Guardsmen.

Now everyone will tell you they are the hammer of the Emperor, without them Space Marines couldn't protect the Imperium et cetera. And you know what? It's true. I've heard of the sacrifices by Guardsmen and how they hold the line to the last man. The thing is this: They are ungrateful punks.

After recieving a distress call from a planet in the middle of fucking no where my Captain of the Space Wolves 4th company decided it was up to us to help them out.(Since Salamanders were busy and we no Ultra-fucknuggets wouldn't help those poor bastards.) I got my bolter and rallied my Battle Brothers, telling them what a great time we would have killing greenskins in a few months.

So we went through warp. And waited to get there.

And waited.

And waited.

One hundred years we were trapped in the warp. I suspected my Brothers losing all hope that we would ever get out.(Going without mead for that long will do things to a person) We set out to help Fraxis V on my 134th Birthday, concidentally, when we got out of the warp is was my 236th Birthday.

>> No.17587100

>>17587012
For years we just sat around and waited to come out the warp. Our hearts were filled with grief at what was happening to the people of that world. But we all promised we wouldn't give up, because we had to help those people. It was the only thing that kept us going after a while. The hope that one day, we might be able to save those people on Faxis V.

Then it happened. We came out of the warp above the planet. It was blackened by nuclear warfare, I suspect the Orks did it. We saw the Guardsmen were making a final push against the Greenskins. May the Emperor bless them, they were able to pull through. But I knew, our work wasn't done. We had to go to battle and help them.

We went to our drop pods, and landed down on the world. We lost a few Battle Brothers in the fighting but I knew we saved countless Guardsmen's lives that day. Then we went to their capitol city, proclaiming our arrival and victory over the Orks. And after several men are trapped in a confined space for a prolonged period of time what do you think they are going to do?

After we had our, I'll use the term "after battle break" we were about to set off to the warp. And you know what, there was this one Guardsman, who was just glaring at me. Then I noticed, they all were! Like we had done something wrong!

>> No.17587126

>>17587100
We *quickly* left after that, all realizing that the Guardsmen resented us greatly. I don't know what their problem was, we tried to get here soon as we could.

Anyway, **** the Imperial Guard.

>> No.17587139

>Imperial Guard vs Space Marine thread
>No Avitus

Well. that's strange.

>> No.17587160

>>17587012
FUCKED IT UP RIGHT THERE! It couldn't have been cool, but you fucked it up at

>we no Ultra-fucknuggets
>we no

I think you mean, "we knew no Ultra-fucknuggets would do it."

C-

>> No.17587174

>>17587160
>couldn't been cool
I think YOU fucked up.

>could've been cool
Is what you meant. Probably.

And yeah, I deserve that C-...

>> No.17587186

>>17587160
You are a nigger

>> No.17587209

Ork 'ere. I fucking hate the Imperium.

Now I knows wut da warboss sayz about dem humies and their soft gubbinz and you know wot? It's all troo. It really is true. I've heard 'bout dem spess mahreens and whatever but the humies are at the very least the second most powerful force in da galaxy. Da fink iz dis: dere all assholes.

so we invaded dis little planet 'ere called Fraxis five or somefing like dat. You probably in't never heard of it before but one-hundred years ago or there abouts we crashed dere on dat dere rok. We was goin' about the fightan when we see dem light up some weird beacon thingy. Needless to say dey got no help and we spread and spread an' spread.

We kept on fightin the humies for years and years long enough for me to go from some runty little slugga to da biggest nob dere ever was! The humieswere gettin desperate and they shot all sorts of stuff at us like missiles and rockets an' bigga rockets with bigga booms. Dey even started ta burn da land we'z rightfully took from 'em! Took weeks ago we was all but beat and gettin ready to bugger out when dem fuckin' spess mahreens came fallin' from da sky. We'z was all oi wut's dis den!

I mean they's was killin us by da dozens! An' den at da end they ran around takin' all da credit for the fightan! I wuz like wut that a load of squig shit dey didn't do no fightan at all!

Fuckin' humies

>> No.17587233

>>17587223
Was a Terminator. Anything else is IG fans being idiots.

>> No.17587234

>>17587223
You mean the Custode? What about him?

>> No.17587235

Now all we need is one from the whore's perspective.

>> No.17587259

>>17587235
Oh lawdy...

>> No.17587263

>>17587235
Just the IG version, but less fighting and more suddenly getting a big pay day along with never being able to walk again.

>> No.17587271

>>17587209
Even if very nice, too much "th"s here. But that's excusable.
>I mean they's was killin us by da dozens! An' den at da end they ran around takin' all da credit for the fightan! I wuz like wut that a load of squig shit dey didn't do no fightan at all!

And why was >>17587223 deleted

>> No.17587276

>>17587271
Overly angry IG fan.

>> No.17587289

I slumbered in the centre of this desolate planet for 60 million years only to be awoken by a signal from some lesser race complaining about a mere century of rest?

**** the Space Marines

>> No.17587292

>>17587276
lolwut. What did he write?

>> No.17587298

>>17587292
just a picture of that guardsman everyone thinks is Ollanius Pious and "Ollanius Pious" over in text. Then we pointed out how he isn't a guardsman and off it went.

>> No.17587302

>>17587292
It was a picture of Ollanius Pius.

>> No.17587381

Dear Mr. Guardsman,

When you develop the capability for independent action, deep infiltration of enemy space, the ability to take a planet with slightly over a hundred men, or the level of expertise that can only be achieved by centuries of experience in the ways of war give me a call. Till then, I'm continuing the funding to the Adeptus Astrates. You have any idea just how much in the way of resources and time it takes a Imperial Crusade group to take the average Category Alpha planet? Compared to that, sending in a strike force of Astrates to demolish targets of opportunity and carve out the heart of a rebellion is downright thrifty.

Love,

Gregory Farman, High Lord of Terra, 698th Master of the Adminstratum, Captain General of the Estate Imperial, Adeptus Primaris

>> No.17587384

>>17587298
>>17587302
I'm kinda late, but thanks. Also bump.

>> No.17587523

Imperial Guardswhore here. I fucking hate the Space Marines.

Now I know what all the girls tell you. They're the manliest warriors in the Imperium, et cetera. And you know what? It's true. It really it is true. I've heard about the Slaaneshi traitors and whatever, but the Space Marines have at the very least the most powerful large boltguns in the Imperium. The thing is this: they're goddamn assholes.

So I live on the planet Fraxis V. You've probably never heard of it but it was my home and it was pretty nice some generations ago. Then the Orkz invaded. So while our husbands are off to war, our engineers set up a beacon to call for help. Needless to say, we received no help, and the Orkz spread.

And spread.

And spread.

Like the worst STD ever.

>> No.17587538

>>17587523
Life in the hives was kinda harsh, but we made do. With a lot of our luxury and services industry gone under artillery fire or something else, many women went to the Guard, and many others *went to the Guard* if you know what I mean. I was among the latter, gotta earn money somehow and a Guardsman´s pay is not that good. And let me tell you, being a Guardswhore was not an easy job, because with the men´s wives back at the cities, we were the de-facto female support for the men. This was not just sex, it was counseling for the horrors of war, and we gave it our all because the men needed it. Some time ago, the hope for the Space Marines to come and help us had faded, so it was a real bad time in the trenches.

So, eventually, General Ralduun says that´s enough, we gotta kill those green bastards ourselves. So what did he do? He conscripted us Guardswhores. Now, at first we were all kinda scared and angry, but you know what? We felt appreciated because somebody in command saw us as actual soldier material, something more than whores. So we trained hard, fought harder, and we beat the Orkz back. Hundreds of Guardsmen and *Guardswomen* died, even if we used the biggest boom-makers in our arsenals, but we were winning.

Then, during our final push, these gray boxes start falling, and huge, manly guys in heavy armour and braided beards start carving the Orks up very nicely. Turns out they are the “Space Wolves”, so we start cheering until their leader, he stops and yells “stay back, women, we´ll do the rest of the fighting for you, you go back to your hearths!”

>> No.17587546

>>17587538
We kind of forgave them for it because they saved a lot of lives anyway.

But then they came to the capital and start saying they won the war, and demand to know where the whores are. Thing is, we are all Guardswomen now, we have built up our confidence, we are on equal footing with the men… we are past that shit, and they tell us we have to go back to it? We´d gladly have told them to frak off, but the men were terrified of what a drunk Space Wolf could do so they tell us to just do a couple old tricks, they can´t last that long. They´ve been fighting, they are drunk, they wear heavy armour… Ok, fine, we´ll give them something to do. Not a prob. Nothing we can´t handle, if you know what I mean. But it turns out these savages need to boast about how many whores they have, and each can actually handle a lot, so we all had to to take our uniforms off and get back on the beds. The last Emperor-damned thing we wanted, besides the soreness of the most powerful large boltguns in the Imperium slamming into us constantly for the two days the celebrations lasted.

And when I finally get home, walking like a grox-driving worker, my husband is masturbating on a statue of the Emperor. I scream at him, and then the neighbours come and… long story short, he gets executed by the Commissar. Him and dozens more who were simply trying to alleviate themselves because of those whore-hogging savages.

>> No.17587550

>>17587546
Well, I hope the Space Marines enjoy their trip home. By the way, do you know how many whores, after decades of service in the trenches, have developed STDs?

Anyway, **** the Space Marines.

>> No.17587620

>>17587550
Oh god my sides.

>> No.17587680

Dear Imperial Guardsman,

I'm sorry about that. My company had been in engaged in heavy conflict with the Thousand Sons in a nearby solar system for 150 years before we came to help you guys. We would've come sooner if we had the chance.

However, in our defense, all of those orks we encountered were at least 10 feet tall.

Signed,

A. SPACEWOLF

>> No.17587770

Muffin here. I hate the Space Marines.

So I'm just some wheat, chilling out in a pantry. Chef's like "I think I'll make some muffins for the returning Guardsmen after the final push." I'm like "sounds good" and I get turned into a muffin. Motherfucking delicious, I wish *I* could eat me.

Then some seven-foot-tall Swedish guys burst in and take me, and all my friends, in a huge sack and take us all to their leader, Battle-Brother Sven or whatever.

I'm like "woah dude, I was meant for a Guardsman" but he didn't even listen. Do you know how many muffins Sven can fit in his mouth at once? I do. The answer is "all of them."

Fucking Space Marines.

>> No.17587810

>>17587770
OH DEAR EMPEROR NO

PLEASE, NO MORE, MY HEART CAN'T TAKE IT

>> No.17587859

Fraxis V here. I fucking hate sentient lifeforms.

Now I know what your holy books tell you. They're the most important and meaningful things in existance, et cetera. And you know what? It's true. It really it is true. I've heard about trees and whatever, but sentient life forms are at the very least the most numerous examples of fragile and fleeting beauty. The thing is this: they're goddamn assholes.

So I orbit this star Polaritinnitus. You've probably never heard of it, I'm sure, but fifty million years ago, it was a pretty nice place. Then the sentient lifeforms colonized. We set off a beacon summoning others of their species, and their warrior caste went to fight some other lifeforms that had arrived. The others of their species did not arrive quick enough, and the new lifeforms spread.

And spread.

And spread.

They fought for a while, nothing but digging big lines in me and killing each other in them. They must have gotten bored (though I admit I can't be sure of that). This war started a while ago, and it ended just now, coincidentally on my one-hundred-and-twenty-sixth millionth birthday.

>> No.17587891

>>17587676
End of thread.

There is no other correct choice.

>> No.17587930

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17586782/

Archived for win

>> No.17587955

>>17587859
They kept doing the beacon thing but they didn't get any reply. They took things into their own hands a second ago, and killed off a lot of the new lifeforms. They burned the shit out of me for some reason. They even nuked me. They really fucked me up, and killed most of the new ones. They pretty much killed all of the new species a second ago, which I guess is genocide, but I don't care.

When they were nearly done with their genocide, enormous gray metal boxes hit into me. At first I'd thought these were some kind of meteor, but no. No, they were more lifeforms. Big ones on some sort of flying thing and wielding barbed weapons came out and butchered the new lifeforms, barely sparing a moment to inform the resident warrior caste of their presence and intention to finish the genocide. And in fairness, they did. I won't take that away from them, they did kill the last of the new lifeforms and they probably saved a few of the resident warrior caste's lives.
But then they came the main hive of the resident lifeforms and established their dominance. Do you know how many of their species twenty of this warrior caste can mate with at once? I do. The answer is "all of them." For two rotations of my axis, the new warrior caste performed some sort of post-genocide ritual. The resident warrior caste were so desperate they tried to mate with fascimiles of their species they had constructed (One of them even spilled it's seed outside of a mate, for some reason).

>> No.17587962

>>17587770
why did i read that in a southern black voice? OH GOD MY SIDES

>> No.17587995

>>17587955
The new warrior caste *finally* left, having mated with most of the hive's females and consumed all the hive's fermented drink. They also extracted all of my major mineral deposits, I don't know the deal with that.

Anyway, **** sentient lifeforms.

>> No.17588003

Okay, this thread was good with the IG story, and only kept getting better; even when I don't normally care for 40k

>> No.17588062

Necron here. I fucking hate the Living.

Now I know what the Overseer tells you. They've developed quite well, et cetera. And you know what? It's true. It really it is true. I've heard about the Metabolism and whatever, but the Living are at the very least the most numerous force in the Galaxy. The thing is this: they're goddamn assholes.

So I live on the planet Fraxis V. You've probably never heard of it, I'm sure, but one hundred years ago, it was a pretty calm place. Then the Orkz invaded. The human set up an incredible noisy distress signal, and the local Imperial Guardsman regiment set off to contain the Orkz. Needless to say, the didn't manage to get shit done and continued procreating and fighting each other.

And fought.

And fought

Five human generations of war with the greenskins, nothing but noise so brutal that I suspect even the Living would go deaf at this point (though I admit I can't be sure of that). This war started when the scarabs started rebuilding our crypt, and it ended five days ago, coincidentally when they managed to reactivate our Lord.

>> No.17588118

For ages, we'd kept the hope going that these asshats would at one point shut the fuck up, and our best Crypteks kept making our crypt soundproof for like 100 years, all the while these bastards keep killing our sleep.. We took things into our own hands about fifteen years ago, and, through the machinations of Lord Ashkaz, we beat the Orkz back. We let the humans burn any land they'd owned to remove the spores. They employed puny nukes. We spared spared a few Orkz, so the human would just shut up. The Orkz were all but defeated , and you might call it a unorthodox, but we called it noise control.

During they humans final push, pathetic gray metal boxes fell from the sky. At first we thought these were some kind of retarded human weapons, but no. No, they were Space Marines. Crazy bald Techno Vikings on hovercycles and wielding chainswords came out and butchered the few remaining Orkz, barely sparing a moment to tell the meak humans that they would handle the Orkz. And in fairness, they did. I won't take that away from them, they did kill the last Orkz and they probably saved us thousands of hours of additional noise disturbance. We thought we finally could get some sleep. How wrong we were.

They came to the human capital city of Ral-something and claimed all the credit. Do you know with how many female humans a Marine can procreate? I do. The answer is "all of them." For two days,they mated with every female human beign in the capital. We could hear their humping down here,all the time. The guardsmen were so desperate they started jacking of while thinking about their general. (I just tried earplugs. Seeing how I don't have ears anymore, they don't work overly well.)

>> No.17588143

They *finally* left, having killed or crippled most of the women and devoured all the alcohol. The other humans are still here and I'm getting sligthly cranky.

Hey Szarik, power up the Monolith,will you?


Anyway, fuck the Living.

>> No.17588186

>>17587126
>>17587100
>>17587012
Could someone redo this fuck-up? Please, I think it's interesting seeing that the Space Wolves don't see anything wrong with what they did since they had been stuck in the warp forever ever.

>> No.17588912

Fucking Sisters of Battle not helping at all.

>> No.17588941

Ork 'ere. Yer all gits.

>> No.17588998

Space Wolf here. I Fucking Love being a Space Marine.

Now everyone will tell you we're the greatest warriors of the Emperor, without us the Imperium would fall apart against Xenos, Chaos, et cetera. And you know what? It's true. Guardsmen can barely handle Tyranids and Orks, but it takes our pure gene seed and centuries of War to defeat the enemies of the Mankind. We're awesome.

So we're venturing across the Galaxy when we come across a backwater sector of an Ork Invasion. From our Iron Priests, we hear reports of the local Imperial Guard containing the Invasion on Fraxis V, so we leave assured that the Emperor's Hammer could handle one little Xeno infestation. We in the meantime plundered the next sector of Genestealers, Eldar, Greenskins. Anything we could get our hands on we plundered.

And plundered.

And plundered.

After a hundred years beating down Tyranids and Eldar, The sector still wasn't clear, but the Ultras were around so we let them handle it. Back to Fraxis V, they were still fighting the Orks. For generations Guardsman had thrown their lives away. We ended it in one day.

>> No.17589001

>>17588186
I wouldn't call it a fuck up, it's not like they chose for it to take 100 years, that shit just happens in 40k, and it gave a decent reason for them to be pissed off with the guard when they finally got out

>> No.17589004

>>17588998
The last time I had seen Fravis V, I was but a pup in the Blood Claws. I am now a proud Wolf Lord. Our Iron Priests tell us their machine spirits maintained that beacon for a hundred years. Seeing that the greenskin invasion had not yet been purged, we decided to handle it ourselves. We would purge the spores with our mighty flamers were the weak guard had responded with actual nukes, destroying the land of a beautiful world. We would not hesitate and gain victory for the the Orks. You might call it a purging fire, we called it good fun.

As our Chapter descended the blacken atmosphere, we fell from the sky like a terrible vengeful force of the Emperor. The small factions scattered around the map looked upon us in awe and majesty, man and greenskin alike. We drove our valiant steeds and swung our mighty chainswords butchering the Ork meance before us. We ran ahead of the local Guard so that no more would Man fall in this war. Noone could deny us the honor that day.

We then went to collect our rightly deserved tribute. That was much feasting, and drinking, but there were simply not enough whores. We competed until all the whores were divided up and for two days satisfied our loins, while plundering theirs.

>> No.17589008

>>17589004
We left after the Ale ran dry and the whores wear too broken to continue. It was the finest feast of muffins I have ever partaken of.

Anyway, I ****ed a hundred whores. Space Marines are awesome.

>> No.17589156

Eldar here. I fucking hate the Mon-keigh.

Now I know what the Farseers tell you. That they’re a great source of meat shields to be manipulated for our own ends, et cetera. And you know what? It’s true. It’s really true. I’ve heard about their Emperor and whatever, but Mon-keigh are at least the second dumbest being in the galaxy. The thing is this: they’re Asuryandamn assholes.

So I live on a Craftworld that’s connected to what the Mon-keigh call Fraxis V by the Webway. You’ve probably never heard of it, I’m sure, but one hundred years ago, it was a pretty simple place. Then we manipulated the Orkz into invading the world. We watched the Mon-keigh set up their crude distress signal begging for the help of their vaunted Space Marines, and their local fighters set off to entertain us. Needless to say they died horribly, and the Orkz spread.

And spread.

And spread.

A piss-poor amount of time spent at war with the greenskins, nothing but hilarity so great, I think we lost a few of us to She-Who-Thirsts. That pissing contest started when I’d just started my Path as a Warp-Spider and it ended just a little while ago, coincidentally when I began my Path as a Bonesinger.

>> No.17589176

>>17589156
For so long we’d kept the hope going that these lowbreds would fight for eternity, and our best Farseers kept fanning the flames of the conflict. Eventually, the local Mon-keigh decided to say ‘Fuck it,’ and, through some poor planning of their leader, and worse planning by the Warboss, they beat the Orkz back. They started to burn their own land just to get rid of the spores. They even used some of their dinky bombs. They were winning, but it was hilarious to see them stumble in the ashes of their former homes. Anyway, they just about beat the Orkz a little while back, and you might call it pest control, we called it entertainment.

During their final push, tacky and crudely built drop pods fell from space. A few of the Mon-keigh shat themselves. Turns out the Space Marines had come. It was those wolf-riding frat boys. They told the locals they’d handle things and by Isha, you’d think they’d all just gone and sucked on a hundred lemons. They probably saved the lives of a few dozen Mon-keigh, I don’t know, but they ended up killing the last few Orkz.

Once it was done, they headed to the primary hovel called Ra-something. Then those assholes disgusted us by filthily procreating with fucking midgets. You know how many midgets those guys can fuck? I do. The answer is “all of them.” For two days, those should be dickless fucks celebrated. The one highlight of that time was when the beta Mon-keigh started jerking off in public and getting executed by their officers.

>> No.17589186

>>17589176

The frat boys then left, but not before we got a few Warp Spider to snatch up some Mon-Keigh baked goods.

Anyway, **** the Mon-Keigh

>> No.17589205

I liked how the different perspectives gave a new light to the story as a whole. On one side we have the Guardsmen who feel betrayed, and abused. Seeing the Space Marines as total assholes and glory hogs. Taking their women, victory, and booze.

The Space Marines don't know what they've done wrong, having been trapped in the warp coming here. After coming out of the warp they did try their best to make sure no more Guardsmen die. Then they have an awesome party, since they have been stuck in the warp so long they wanted to experience the good old things like Ale and Whores. They were just being oblivious, but they weren't being dicks. That wasn't the intent of their hearts.

Now from the Whores perspective. It's akin to the Guard's, but a new light on the whole situation. The Space Wolves probably didn't mean anything when they told the women to stay back, and probably didn't mean anything when they were banging anything with a hole and two legs. It just showed how someone caught in the middle of the tension between the two groups of the same faction was feeling.

The planet's perspective showed how everyone was being dicks, the Orks showed how they felt cheated when the Space Marines arrived and their plans for escape foiled. The Necrons was like the planet's third party view but more lulzy. The Eldar's version just shows how Eldar are dicks.

That is why I don't like the new Space Wolves one. It doesn't add anything for the story. However it is hilarious. Anyone agree?

>> No.17589247

Dark Eldar here.

We had absolutely no stake in Fraxis V whatsoever. It's a shame, too. I hear they make delicious muffins.

>> No.17589438

Bumping an epic thread.

>> No.17590999

This thread has made me want some muffins

>> No.17591142

>>17589247
Best perspective yet

>> No.17591213

Tau here,

Just heard of a planet by the name of Fraxis V, the resident humans are said to be very accomplished bakers. We always need more muffins for the Greater Good.

>> No.17591223

This is like Soulstorm. But with muffins.

>> No.17591443

A+ thread would read again

>> No.17591618

Tzeench Here, and boy! I really gotta hand it to how all my machinations played out on Fraxis V! I mean, it was such a loving, caring, warm, BORING place, it made me wanna puke! So what did I do? I'll tell ya what I did...

I made an Ork band, recently broken off of a failed WAAAAGH! (Is that enough letters?I can't remember with those dumbass Orks) head towards this small, BORING planet and what did they do when they landed?

They spread.

And spread.
And then after the humans sent a beacon of aid emanating off into the far reaches of the galaxy, I made their only aid, the Space Puppies get stuck in a roundabout in the Warp! It was a frickkin blast.
So, long story short, through all this, the space doggies win the war, screwed the guardsmen's whores AND stole all their muffins! It was delicious (especially the muffins)
And the best, best part?I hear that the space marines "accidentally" dropped in near hibernating necrons. Oops!

By the way, have I told you how frickin' awesome this whole plan was?

>> No.17591921

>>17587126
>>17587100
>>17587012
Can someone repost a version of this with spell-checks, and have it fit more with the original like the rest do?

There isn't even a "all of them" joke!

>> No.17591957

Gav here. I loves me sum muffins.

>> No.17591974

>>17591957

Whoops. sorry Gav. Looks like someone ate them all.

>> No.17592405

Bump.

>> No.17592411

Hail. I am... well I'm someone you never want to meet and never expect when I do arrive. For your well being and heart-rate I actually won't tell you who I serve with, but know this, I fucking hate everybody.

Imperial Guardsman, weaklings. Space Marines, lazy and insufficient to the task. Orks, a pestilence and plague of misfortune. Necrons, can't they just stay asleep? Don't we have enough problems? And to say nothing of the machinations of Chaos. Xenos, heretics, and traitors. Our work is never done. The are all dumbasses.

So I am assigned to watch over the Dilesia Sub-sector, of the Lebes Conclave, in the Ultima Segmentum of our lord's glorious Imperium *eyes roll*. If you've heard of it, you probably work for some distant scribe of the Adminstratum and it is just a series of numbers and tithe codes. Nothing. Well about a century ago, they ran across a problem. A problem that through slow thought and lack of righteous fire, was allowed to spread. Orks. Decadence, lack of faith, and an absence of justly applied Promethium, allowed the Orks to change from an invading force, into a colonial force. The lazy and foolish Guardsmen did not respond fast enough and rather then calling to the Emperor and charging into battle, fell back and began crying for the Astartes, the Navy, or just about anyone to come save them. Cowards. Well, about 10 years into it, we at the Lebes Conclave got the Astropath calls. Various minions and henchmen were dispatched to gather information and assess the situation.

While the local PDF had the men to handle it, they bungled it and continued ot call to the sky for deliverance. Some turned instead to darker powers and asked for their assistance. We were vigilant and caught those before the taint spread.

>> No.17592414

We even stopped a collection of foolish and cowardly generals from using atomics nearby the ancient ruins hidden in the desert nearby the Orks primary strongholds and waking an even worse horror on the suface of the battlescared planet.

We even halted certain raiding parties of the decadent Eldar race from "looting while the fire had broken out".

Those were difficult missions, requiring certain of our, associates, to use their selective skills. Assassins to kill war leaders, including the most foolish of our generals, stormtroopers to take out select hardened targets, and even a few co-opted Sororitis to hunt and burn a couple of elite units.

We were conatining everything we could, but the destruction and the Orks just continued to their assaults. We were dealing with so much we had to let the PDF handle that. And they failed for quite a few years as the green tide spread.

Five rejuvenation treatments, at least four interrogaters, dozens of acolytes and agents, and thousands of contacts, dupes, and pawns later, the fools of Praxis 5 still had not turned the tide. They instead, had merely maintained a draining and continued state of war.

>> No.17592427

Well our attention slipped after all that time. Reports were misfiled, intelligence not delivered and no word got out that a damned fool of an officer had actually been promoted to General. We missed it. After nearly a century of saving that damned ungrateful mudball, a General Tiberius Ralduun decided to not heed the warning of so many before him and he started using the atomics we had carefully made sure were never used. At this point we should have just called for Exterminatus. But the damned acolytes on the ground let him continue his mad sceme. Atomics on a Necron tomb world, with Eldar warp gates at strategic locations, Orks already advanced enough to launch themselves back into the void, and the eye of the Dark Gods upon us. This was shaping up to be a spectacular decade.

Well, the damnable Astartes finally decided to arrive. Perhaps warp storms, perhaps ineptitude, either way they finally overcame their problems and arrived, ready to add more Promethium to the mix. Lucky for us their contingent was lacking in orbital firepower. They went straight for the jugular, orbital drop into the heart of the enemy. Too bad the head had already lifted off in asteroid that the Astartes just let pass them. That will be trouble later for us to clean up. But what can you expect form the chaos ridden Space Wolves? Mutation and urges to copulate that most Astartes successfully suppress with uncorrupted geneseed can only lead to disaster and failure. But I still can't get the damnable Conclave to declare them Excommunicate Traitoris. But that is another story.

>> No.17592433

Well the Astartes cleaned up the last of the mess that the failures of Praxis 5 had made of the Ork war, and in typical Chaos Marine fashion, then went on an orgy of drinking and intercourse that left thousands wounded and dead, and thousands more screaming to the skies in want for justice. And strangely a few guardmen in the depths of madness, ejaculating on the street to the image of the Emperor.

So much work now to do. Tales of the atrocities of the Space Wolved to suppress, investigation fo the ruins for damage and activity, suppressing of hereical cults sprouting up everywhere, and finally just got word that the Ork asteroid has land on nearby Ullen 3. I just want to declare Exterminatus, eat my muffin, and be done with the whole damnable mess. **** everybody. They are all idiots

>> No.17592459

ADEPTUS MECHANICUS HERE

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE

I FINALLY COMPLETED WORK ON THE ORK REPELLENT DEVICE

>> No.17592534

Bump

>> No.17592549

bump

>> No.17592892

The Great Devourer here. Say, we just noticed that shiny beacon of yours and we were wondering...you wouldn't mind if we dropped in for a quick snack, would you?

Y'see, we've been floating through the void for the last 5 million years and we're absolutely starving. You know how much muffins we need to get back to strength? We do. The answer is 'all of them'.

So anyway, see y'all in a few decades then.

>> No.17593061

Bumped for a fun read.

>> No.17595243

>>17592892

Oh god nooo

>> No.17597863

Dark Angel here. I fucking hate the Space Wolves.

Now everyone will tell you that the Space Wolves are the most heroic chapter. And you know what? That's true, they're always the first ones to start a fight. The thing is this: they're god damn assholes about it.

So we were searching some planet outside the Fraxis sector. You've probably never heard of it, I'm sure, but nearly a decade ago some asshole Fallen took refuge here and started proclaiming he was a Dark Angel. Needless to say, we had been searching for this guy for a half century, and our Company Master decided it was time to wreck his heretical bullshit, so we started razing the planet to the ground.

Fifty years we set out after this guy, we got there on my 178th birthday and we found the Fallen coincidentally on my 228th birthday, when those half-bred space dogs came from some planet, something like a Fraxis V, and claimed that we couldn't do that. Sure we killed a few innocents, but how many do you think the Fallen would have killed?

Anyway, the Space Wolves kept pushing and pushing us, until our Chaplain snapped. Before you know it, our entire strike-force was brawling with these mutants trying to pass themselves off as the Emperor's chosen, and our entire force was withdrawn from the frontlines. I was punching some Space Wolf in the face, and the Chaplain must have been beating up five Space Wolves or something before the Company Master bursts into the room, telling us that the Fallen had escaped and was now half way across the sector.

Of course, we had to stop beating the fucking lapdogs in order to get this prick we had been tracing for almost fifty years, and they called us cowards! Obviously, we could never tell them that they were the ones who had caused the Fallen to escape so we were forced to leave without an explanation.
Now we have to spend another century tracking this asshole since a bunch of half-bred mutant vikings wanted to fight us.

Anyway, fucking Space Wolves.

>> No.17599401

le bump

>> No.17599465

>this entire thread

My sides hurt from laughing so hard

>> No.17599474

>>17587160
> one mistake
> C minus
The fuck college do you go to?

>> No.17599568

Toasting for epic bread.

>> No.17599731

Legendary thread

>> No.17600100

Someone write another one

>> No.17600105

>>17600100
That someone is you. GET TO WORK.

>> No.17600216

>No, they were Space Marines. Crazy bald Nordic men on hovercycles and wielding chainswords came out and butchered the Orkz, barely sparing a moment to tell us that they were the Space Wolves
I call bullshit. No self respecting Space Wolf is bald.

>>17599474
The college of someone espoused a point of view that did not agree with their professor's opinion.

>> No.17600343

>>17600105
I already wrote the DA one

>> No.17600365

HINT: 40k lore is not a traditional game. If you want to have threads about 40k fluff, there's always /lit/. Yes, despite the fact that there are several 40k wargames, stuff about 40k as a franchise, as unrelated to said wargames, belongs to /lit/.

>> No.17600559

>>17591957
FER DA AMPRA AN' 'ARRY AN' BOB!

>> No.17600576

>>17600365
You funny guy. I kill you last.

>> No.17600624

>>17600365

>> No.17600769

Thousand son here.

Now I know what the imperium tells you. That heretics are horrible horrible people that want to corrupt you. And you know what? It's true. It really is true. Chaos Space Marines are at the very least the most powerful large force in the galaxy. And the thing is this: I love my job.

So we fly by this planet Fraxis V. You've probably never heard of it, but we did. One hundred years ago, it was a pretty nice place. So we found some orcz and gave them ships designed to crash land there. The guardsmen set off a beacon asking for Astartes help, and the local Imperial Guardsman regiment set off to contain the Orkz. Needless to say, we jammed the signal for 100ish years and they received no help. The Orkz spread.

And spread.

And spread.

For Five generations they died fighting greenskins, fighting so brutal that we were able to trap some fugly ass space wolves in mid warp over the planet with the souls we siphoned. .

>> No.17600785

>>17600365
Fag.

>> No.17600792

>>17600769
For generations, they hoped Space Marines would finally come, but our best Sorcerers kept jamming the beacon. Anyway, about fifteen years ago we whispered to some General the secrets to winning the war. Foolishly he burned his own farming land and even employed actual nukes on his own people. About a week ago we decided enough was enough.

During their final push we released the spacewolves. They came out of the sky and butchered the Orkz, they then came to the capital city of Ralduuna and claimed all the credit, all the prostitutes, and all the muffins. For two days, the Space Wolves celebrated "their" victory in Ralduuna. Guardsmen were so desperate they started pawing at statues of the general.

Glorious

>> No.17600810

I don't get what makes you so angry, Guardsman.
I am simply a terminator.
I worked for this position.
Do you have anything to show you worked for something?

>> No.17600836 [DELETED] 

About a two week later, after the wolves had left. We came out of the sky to a planet angry with the imperium and the Spacewolves, our most hated enemy. They quickly turned their backs on the false god to join the might of chaos.

needless to say, everything went as planed

>> No.17600869

>>17600792
About two weeks later, after the wolves had left. We came out of the sky to a planet angry with the imperium and the Spacewolves, our most hated enemy. They turned their backs on the false god to join the might of chaos quickly enough.

needless to say, everything went as planed

>> No.17601004

>>17600869
And it only took you several hundred years to secure a devastated, war torn planet. Congratulations.

>> No.17601034

>>17600365
>>>/lit/2337368

>> No.17601038

>>17600810
A working cock?

>> No.17601055

>>17600869
>>17600792
>>17600769
WHERE IS THE 'ALL OF THEM' JOKE, ANON? WHERE IS IT?

>> No.17601330

Need more perspectives

>> No.17601421

Squats here.

We fuckin' hate ye all, every last one a' ye orks, humans, and Marines, 'cause ye still get tae knock aboot in the grim darkness o' tha' forty-sumptin' millenium an' we got tossed intae tha' rubbish bin by GW.

An' fer what? Were we too "fantasy" fer yer fancy wee space game? Oh, shuuuure, let's have orcs an' goblins an' elves an all, muckin' about in the stars - ooh, but ye cannae have no dwarfs, oh nononononoooooo!

Well, we're no' bothered aboot any planets called Fraxis V, or how many whores a great hulkin' Space Wolfie can do wi' 'is great big tonker, or any muffin shortages, cause we ain't 'ere no more, see? We're run off tae some other galaxy, far from any canonical faction territories, were we can mine and drink and invent all day an' night, wi'out no-one tae bother us.

Anyho', f**k ye muddy-headed eedjits straight tae hell. We're done wid ye.

>> No.17601505

Guardsmen here.... there are like 10,000,000,000 of us per space marine. just remember it takes 16 lasguns to kill a marine.

>> No.17601524

>>17601505

1 Unsaved Wound = 3 Armor Saves = 9 Hits = 18 Shots

>> No.17601535

>>17601421
EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! DON'T LET GW KNOW THAT WE KNOW THEIR EXISTENCE!!!

>> No.17601537

>>17601421
You, sir, win an interwebs for that. Bravo.

>> No.17601668

Bump in the hope of a Spce Commies story

>> No.17601676

>>17601668
*space

>> No.17604661

Tau here. I fucking hate Space Marines.

Now I know what the Ethereals tell us. They're the elite forces of the human imperium, a bit like our Crisis Teams. And you know what? It's true. They're damn tenacious bastards and have some pretty impressive firepower (for humans). Thing is; they're such gooddamn assholes about it.

Y'see, I'm part of the Third Phase Expansion push, under Commander Shadowsun. So, about 200 years ago my great-greatgrandfather liberated this planet he called Ta'u from a bunch of orks. As usual, those barbarians refused to listen to reason, and after he killed enough of them the rest just took off on one of those primitive spaceships of theirs, a 'rok' or something. Dunno where they went, don't really care either.

We were still celebrating when a whole bunch of humans showed up, claiming this to be an imperial world before the orks overran it. We told them they were more than welcome to repopulate the planet, of course, as long as they accepted the Greater Good and lived alongside the Tau colonists.

You think they accepted our entirely sensible offer? Uh-uh. Instead, they just landed on Ta'u without permission and spread.

And spread.

And spread.

>> No.17604705

>>17604661

So, regrettably, we fought the humans. And fought, and fought, and fought. Apparently they really do breed like K'lai back on T'au.

Then, just around the time my father was born, the damn Space Marines arrived. Barbarians the lot of them, with trinkets and skulls hanging off their armour and some too stupid to even wear a helmet!

They were assholes too. The previous humans at least had the decency to admit we kicked out the orks, and we did get to negotiate with them a bit, but these Marines just dropped straight into the nearest battle going 'foul xenos this' and 'foul xenos that'.

No sense of honourable tactics either. What sort of civilized creature charges screaming towards his foe while swinging something that looks like it's supposed to cut trees?!

>> No.17604763

>>17604705

About 110 years ago, 5 years after my father was killed by a Marine, I finally became a Shas'La. For 10 years I fought Marines, and I tell you again: assholes the lot of them. Just would not shut up about their emperor, and the foul xenos.
Well, one of them did, after I shoved my Bonding Knife through his throat. Heh.

But anyway, after almost a 100 years even Commander Shadowsun had grown well and truly sick of fighting humans. Fortunately, as it turns out Marines are assholes towards other humans too, since one day they just up and left. The air caste said there'd been some sort of distress signal, so apparently they deemed that more important than taking Ta'u from us.

Do you know how easy it is to kick a bunch of humans off your planet who have been relying on Space Marines for almost 50 years? I do. They answer is 'really, really easy'. That got me my Shas'El rank too.

But anyway, Space Marines are still assholes.

>> No.17607630

someone do the thieving magpies artifact hoarders

>> No.17608168

>>17604763

>Well, one of them did, after I shoved my Bonding Knife through his throat. Heh
>Tau.
>Close combat.
HA!

>> No.17609248

Hello, everyone, the Emperor here.

I don't usually speak anymore, but I really need to make this edict.

Now, don't get me wrong, the Space Marines and the Guardsman and even the PDF are among our best and finest, but by my decree, they can all be assholes. The lot of them.

I was monitoring the warp about 100 years ago, right about the time of my day of birth, when I got the most disturbing news: the Orks had shoved one of their multitudinous "roks" onto our muffin-producing world of Fraxis V.

Well, somehow, those clods the Space Wolves (Space dog-brains as far as I am concerned) go to try to assist.. and they get stuck in a warp roundabout.

Do you know how freaking HARD it is to try to get someone out of those damned things? Well, I soldiered on, and finally, FINALLY got one of their dipshit navigators to use his blinkers, and they FINALLY exited the warp.

A hundred me-frakkin' years later! You know how many muffins that is lost? I'll tell you: All of them!

So, with that said, they go in, drop themselves on a frakkin' Necron ruin and sdtart slaughtering the Orks. That's well and good, but the activity of those necrons is starting to get me annoyed.

Well, as I previously said, the Orks are now dead, so what do the damned mutts do? They go and start boozing and humping any female that moved on the planet! I am really surprised that some of them didn't start humping the corpses of the dead!
But that wasn't the worst part. Oh, no...

The WORST part was when good, honest guardsmen start MASTURBATING to my image!

I mean, It's SOMEWHAT flattering, but really guys? With all the porn slates out there, you had to wank it to ME?

Okay. That's it! Just get me my frakkin' muffins and make sure you hold the me-damned planet! Do I have to s whole frakkin' squadron of commissars to keep you assholes in line?

I mean, really...

>> No.17611812

Bump for more.

>> No.17611856

>>17609248
>You know how many muffins that is lost? I'll tell you: All of them!

lost it here.

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