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[ERROR] No.17029919 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

ITT: BAD natural 20

>roll for fishing
>"your expert skill with the line has snagged the tentacle of Great Cthulhu and has dragged him out of his house in R'lyeh, roll for initiative"

>locked door in middle of castle, roll to kick it in
>"you accidentally kick an entire wall of the castle out, destroying several weight-supporting pillars, causing the castle to collapse around you"

>roll for climb
>"you have climbed so far up that you have actually climbed down into the furthest plane of hell. Asmodeus just sits there baffled"

>> No.17029932


>> No.17029941

>"you have climbed so far up that you have actually climbed down into the furthest plane of hell. Asmodeus just sits there baffled"

>so far up
>actually climbing down

uhhh, wouldn't it make more sense if it was like

"You climb up into heaven and gaze upon Pelor's gaze. You are immediately blinded"

>> No.17029948

>lol so random XD

>> No.17029959

I love the OP list. I like your version even better of that joke.

It's basically just a game man, no one actually is advocating DMing like this

Keep em coming fa/tg/uys! Give me a moment to think of some

>> No.17029960

>I roll to tackle him
>Nat 20
>You tackle him so hard he splits in two

>> No.17029969

nonono, he climbed even further than that, climbing out the top of the universe and up through the bottom

>> No.17029979

>The cultists are shooting at you
>I roll to dodge!
>Nat 20
>You dodge bullets so well you hit a wall and are knocked unconscious

>Drive roll
>Nat 20
>Your drive so well that there's a massive 80 car pile-up killing over 100 people but you're no longer being pursued

>> No.17029981

lol, nice

>> No.17029984

>roll to hide
>you hide so well, you aren't sure who you are. you proceed to a local monastery for help. start over as a level 1 monk

>> No.17029991

Birthed from that old thread about the guy rolling a nat 20 unarmed to knock unconscious and the DM deciding it was fatal?

>Move silently: Nat 20, your footsteps produce anti sound silencing the ambient noises around you. This only makes the nigh silent padding of your comrades more obvious.

>> No.17029992

>I cast fireball
>Nat 20
>You resonate with the very fabric of space time. Instead of a normal fireball, you summon forth a star from your hands. Your opponent is incinerated...so is the rest of the planet

>> No.17029994

That pretty much happened in a nWoD game once

>> No.17030001

I had a whole list of them on my other computer. The only two I can remember are

>Roll bluff to convince a guard that you are there to relieve him
>Nat 20
>You bluff so well that you've convinced yourself. You spend the rest of your life as a guard

>Roll to jump
>Nat 20
>You clear the atmosphere and suffocate.

>> No.17030019


>Drive roll
>Nat 20
>Your drive so well that there's a massive 80 car pile-up killing over 100 people but you're no longer being pursued.

Look at this guy here, he thinks this is a bad outcome.

>> No.17030020

>Roll a save to avoid being seduced by a Succubus
>Nat 20
>You save so well you become gay and fall in love with every male in a 10 mile radius

>> No.17030024

"I want to trick the badguy will my swordplay!"
"Okay, roll your bluff."
>Nat 20
"Congratulations. You feinted so well you fainted."

>> No.17030025

I still remember the first one of these all those month ago.

>I roll to knock him out
>Nat 20
>You punch him so hard he goes comatose and dies shortly after

>> No.17030026

this actually made me laugh, nice

>I cast raise dead
>"Atropus now looms in the night sky, and the world is plagued by zombies"

>> No.17030039

>Escape Artist check
>Nat 20
>You find yourself in the Astral Plane

>> No.17030051


Superhero Game

>Rolls Escape Artist
>Nat 20
>You have successfully escaped form the artist of the comic book. Your character no longer exists.

>> No.17030064


>Roll for Escape Artist
>Nat 20
>You have successfully escaped from the game. Reroll a new character.

>> No.17030071

>you enter a dark cave, with strange noises in the distance
>roll to listen
>"somewhere in a different country you hear a couple bickering to eachother about how tonights dinner ruined their relationship"

>> No.17030076

>roll to listen
>you can hear everything. Take 2d10/3d10 SAN.

>> No.17030094

>Roll to disguise an enemy, as per a discussed plan
>Nat 20
>You disguise yourself so well the rest of the party instantly forgets the plan and opens fire on you

>> No.17030099

>a boulder blocks your path
>roll to move it
>"By some amazing feat of strength, you push the entire world away from the boulder and drift off into outer space, unrivaled godking of your new tiny boulder world. It's a shame you can't breathe though..."

>> No.17030105

>Roll Pickpocket
>Natural 20
>"You manage to do the impossible, removing your hand from the man's clothing holding something warm, wet and still beating. The man clutches his chest and falls to the ground puking blood, and the guards notice you are holding a human heart. Roll initiative."

>> No.17030112

Pretty sure Grant Morrison actually wrote this one once.

History check: nat 20, You now know so much about the character you were researching you become convinced you are him. One problem, you're a wizard, he was a barbarian.

>> No.17030115

got a good one for y'all

>in the abyss
>sneaking past Mephistopheles
>roll nat 20 on Move Silently
"You can now hear the screaming of the wrongfully damned at full volume. Roll a DC 25 Will save to not go completely fucking insane."

Needless to say, I had to roll a new character soon thereafter.

>> No.17030117

>Roll stealth to hide behind a tree
>Nat 20
>You come to believe that you are the tree
>Reroll a level 1 tree

>> No.17030127

>roll for spot
>natural 20
>you see everything telescopicly but can no longer see normally

>> No.17030132

>Roll religion
>Nat 20

>> No.17030146

Since we've started posting the ones from that epic old thread anyway, does anyone have the link to it?

>> No.17030150

>nat 20
>people still playing D&D or any D20 system

>> No.17030154

>With no time to work out the intricacies of the ritual yourself you turn to one of the still breathing cultists and demand to know what you need to to disrupt it.

Roll to intimidate
nat 20

>You scare him so severely he passes out.

>> No.17030162

>Lore check.
>Natural 20.
>You know everything. However, you can't stand the fact that you're a fictional character on a fictional setting and everything you know is a lie. Roll another character.

>> No.17030163

>roll to communicate with animals
>"you speak so well with the animals that you forget how to speak common, you must spend the rest of the campaign making animal noises to convey your emotions"

>> No.17030166

>A pit trap opens beneath you, roll a reflex save to dodge
>Nat 20
>You dodge 250000 miles in one direction, circumnavigating the world and ending up where you were. You fall in the pit, but you're moving so fast you get pulverized against the pit's wall. Roll a new character.

>> No.17030181

>Cardcaptor Sakura
>Using a shitty reaction image from a shitty magical girl anime

>> No.17030183

>I try to subdue him. Attack with just fists.
>You punch him so hard in the throat you break his neck.

>> No.17030192

>roll to troll thread
>your wit is so great that the other people cannot understand what you are doing and assume that you are posting like normal anon.

>> No.17030204

hahaha, nice one

>> No.17030212

Yes, everyone is a troll.

>> No.17030217


>> No.17030243


That's because he's clearly Not on a mission from god.

>> No.17030245

>roll to swim across lake
>"you swim so well you can swim through land and air, but find that it is much harder to reach the surface when you are swimming through a 10 foot thick wall of stone, your character suffocates on rock, roll a new one"

>> No.17030259

not sure anyone can top the original thread, to be honest

>> No.17030265

>Roll to hit
>You hit so hard you cut him in half. The force of your swing causes you to lost control and spin around, killing the rest of the party. Everyone else reroll.

>> No.17030285

>roll diplomacy to convey usefulness of your product

>> No.17030340

>roll dodge
>"you successfully dodge your way out of the dimension and are now in your own pocket dimension, with no way to get out. roll a new character"

>> No.17030348

>Drive roll
>You burn all the rubber. Around the world, tires, wire casings and fetish products erupt into flames. The world descends into chaos as most infrastructure is destroyed.

>Come back next week, I'll run CoC or something, I need to make a new world.

>> No.17030353

> roll for dungeoneering to understand the workings of the trap
> 20
> You understand the trap so well, you become a trap. Roll navigation to find a bar.

>> No.17030420



>> No.17030443

"just as planned"

>you navigate to a bar three billion lightyears away at the edge of a different galaxy, and everyone there is giving you strange looks because you are so alien.

>> No.17030451

or awesome DMs for the ones we survive

>> No.17030464

>post hilarious story thread
>nat 20
>people think the stories are real and the take the jokes seriously. The thread is doomed.

>> No.17030498

I have made it a point to introduce awesome critical successes into my sci-fi campaign. It's always funny to see the horror on someone's face when rolling a 20 in comparison to rolling a 1.

>> No.17030516

lol true enough.

but, on this topic, there is one I made happen(I am my group's DM)

>Me: there is a door at the end of the hallway
>That Guy player(halfork): I will break it down!
>but it might not be locked...?(it wasn't)
>TGP:still gonna
>rolls to bash it in with his axe
>Me:"you hit the door so hard it shatters to a million slivers and imbeds itself in the brick wall on the other side of the dining room you just opened up. The gnome wizard inside is frightened half to death by the ordeal and faints."

>> No.17030538

>Heal roll
>Nat 20

>> No.17030566

>Nat 20
>Entire world does a simultaneous rendition of Thriller

>> No.17030584

>roll to cure moderate wounds
>you heal everyone in the world ever, even the dead ones, killing the concept of death and making everyone immortal. Slowly the world gets bigger and bigger as no one dies and keeps having babies and eventually fills the entire universe and becomes one massive creatue.
>welcome to marvel's Cancerverse

>> No.17030609



>> No.17030617

>Use Rope
>Nat 20
>Lasso the moon and be pulled into space where you suffocate and freeze

>> No.17030622

>you open the door, get on the floor, do the dinosaur

>> No.17030631

>You understand the trap so well, you become a trap.

>> No.17030678

>Post a fun thread on /tg/
>"You're so good at presenting the humorous topic that people take it seriously, causing the thread to die. Roll a new thread."

>> No.17030715

>natural 20
>absolutely crazy shit happening
>1 in 20 chance of rolling a natural 20
>shit on this scale happens 5% of the time whenever anyone makes any sort of check
>what do the worlds you're playing in even look like after a while

>> No.17030723

How about you, uhh, make a Wisdom check to find out?

>> No.17030737

>become omnipotent
>commit suicide

>> No.17030739

Mildly amusing thread concept thx

>> No.17030753

See, this sort of thing is a massive dick move in everything except paranoia.

In paranoia it is par for the course.


>roll to lie
>Turns out there really is a giant house cat coming to eat everyone and the guards should run because friend computer has decreed that the cat is not to be harmed.

>> No.17030765

>Wisdom check
>Nat 20
>Thread is a joke thread, no-one has actually done any of these in actual games.

Somehow, I am disappointed. And yet disturbingly curious as to how it would work if this was the rule in an actual game.

>> No.17030769

Most of this shit reads like a critical failure.

>> No.17030793


>> No.17030795

I really laughed at some of these.

Thanks /tg/.

>> No.17030800


>> No.17030859

the original thread which this came about started with a monk complaining to /tg/ about how when he rolled a 20 for his non-lethal strike, the DM said that he killed his target instantly for "striking too hard"

>> No.17030863

>use rope to tie up prisoner
>nat 20
>the rope can never be removed by any means. You are a horrible person for doing this to someone. When they die, the rope continues to bind their soul, resulting in some freaky undead thing that hates you.

>escape artist check
>nat 20
>you find yourself on the astral plane

>perform as a prince who has to retake his kingdom in a play
>nat 20

>> No.17030894

>Roll Nat 20 on hide
>"You are lost to all, even yourself"

>> No.17030899

>Roll performance to tell a joke
>No one ever takes you seriously again, even when presented with compelling evidence.

>> No.17030944

One time our level 7 druid attempted to summon a fire hawk or something. Nat 20. Our retarded dm said she accidentally summoned a level 30 red dragon that follows her every command and will stay with the party permanently. It had nothing to do with the plot, the dm just let her summon a dragon because why the fuck not?

This was a relatively routine thing in that campaign.

>> No.17030971

Our barbarian once rolled a 20 while trying to jump and constrain a goblin cook as he walked into the kitchen unaware.

We assumed he killed him.

And then we decided to lock the doors and rest inside the kitchen for the night.

He slept on the cook.

>> No.17030973

>Fighting werewolves
>Roll search to find a silversmith's shop
>Nat 20
>All the silver in town gravitates towards the party, filling the werewolves and party with cutlery, cups, and bowls at high speeds

>> No.17030989

>Searching for water
>Natural 20
>Geyser to face, sinkhole, fall into underground sea

>> No.17031128


>> No.17031171

>trying to interpret heretical text
>Natural 20
>Spontaneous ascension to daemonhood

>> No.17031190

>Try to seduce bar wench
>Natural 20
>Seduce whole bar and your party members are unable to stop them all gang raping you for hours

>> No.17031223

I am a duck and what is this?

>> No.17031534

>the first one of these a few months ago
>first one
>Nat 20 threads

Excuse me, your newfag is showing.

>> No.17031667

>roll for spot
>see things so well you grow 9 more eyes and become demi-beholder

>> No.17031709

>run at obstacle, try to do a flip over it
>you flip, spinning so fast that you are torn apart by your own centrifugal force

>> No.17031733

>few months ago

Holy fuck. I lol'd.

>> No.17031745

>World War 2, throw grenade

>> No.17031755

>Roll for Sense Motive
>Natural 20
>Know DM's plans for entire campaign.

>> No.17031762

>roll to decipher a language
>nat 20
>"You now know what dogs are saying when they bark."

>> No.17031768

>Roll for spot
>You see the things man was not meant to see. Check for sanity damage.

>> No.17031780

>roll spot check
>"Sensory overload renders you useless for the next three hours"

>> No.17031785


that's how CoC works

>> No.17031898


>Roll heal check
>Scotsmen now hunt for your head.

>> No.17032120

>Roll Appraise
>Nat 20
>You have become aware of your own worth within the universal order. Faced with this cosmic horror and futility your mind snaps in twain. Roll a new character.

>Acrobatics to tumble through an enemy square
>Natural 20
>You phase out of reality, becoming a wave form, passing effortlessly through the enemy and all matter in the universe. You finally come to rest at a black hole where its gravity well sucks you into oblivion. Roll a new character.

>Fly check
>Natural 20
>You fly so perfectly that you begin to accelerate to light speed. Much like superman, you begin to orbit the planet and reverse it's orbit. You reverse the flow of time to before a point where you were born and come crashing down upon your grandfather's house. The paradox invalidates space-time. New campaign.

>Ride check to halt your horse before the edge of a cliff
>Natural 20
>In order to stop itself, your horse smashes its mighty hooves into the ground with such force that you create an earthquake. Towns within 100 miles of the epicentre are decimated. The rest of the party fall into a vast canyon that forms in your wake. You are now stuck atop a rocky precipice with no way of escape and your party is dead.

>Handle Animal
>Natural 20
>You and the beast instantly form an unbreakable and soul-deep bond. You are so moved by this profound connection that you immediately cease all adventuring activities and devote yourself to the care of the animal. Within a week it is eaten by a grue. You die of a broken heart.

>> No.17032129


>Sense Motive
>Natural 20
>You are made aware of the selfishness that pervades even the most seemingly noble of actions. You cannot perform any further deeds without being crushed by the concept of your true motives, motives you never imagined you had.

>Bluff to feint during a staged/ritual combat
>Natural 20
>You bluff so well that your opponent is convinced you seriously mean to cause him harm. His heart explodes in terror. Your audience is not happy.

>Natural 20
>Tapping into the plane of positive energy, you unleash a wave of pure goodness across all of reality that instantly destroys all evil in creation. The campaign would be over, however you cannot control the flow of the energy. Overwhelmed with overdoses of positive energy, all living beings in creation explode in a gory mess.

>Sleight of Hand to steal a purse
>Natural 20
>Not only do you steal his purse, he observes you doing so and is overcome with a sense of wonder. He sees that your act is meant to teach him the futility of commercialism and materialistic lust. He immediately begins to murder all those who still cling to the concept of wealth. He starts with you.

>Natural 20

>Natural 20
>You are so terrifying that the gods of fear and chaos ascend you into their pantheon. Roll a new character.

>Natural 20
>You glean understanding of the fundamental principles of all magic. Your mind is enveloped in silver spellfire, and with a sense of peace you accept your fate as you become one with the weave.

>Natural 20
>The item you create is of such perfection and beauty that it hurls the world into a nihilistic depression, knowing they can never match it. Unable to match your glorious creation, despair grips the souls of all living beings and they simply lose the will to live. You soon follow suit.

>> No.17032145

>spot check
>you see a short, stout, bearded "troll" off in the distance...

>> No.17032149 [DELETED] 

>Natural 20
>Turns out you're a Fish-Nigger. LOL Lovecraft.

>Natural 20
>Not only can the world no longer find you, but you lose all sense of your self. You forget all that you were and all that you are. So total is your disappearance that the world is convinced you never were, and so are you.

>Natural 20
>Your words touch the hearts of all men and gods, bards pass them to every corner of your world. Statues are erected in your honour, parades fill the street, women and children weep in joy. The gods make peace. The chromatics and the metallics make peace. You usher in a golden age of acceptance and peace almost overnight. However, aliens show up and whilst your newly hippiefied world tries to shit doves and poetry at them, they wipe out all life with no resistance. Nice going dick.

>Natural 20
>You begin to speak in tongues and cannot stop. Whilst this is a rapturous and wonderful thing for you, it does render you incomprehensible forever.

>> No.17032159

>Natural 20
>Having found all that you will ever need, you decide you are content. Your life as an adventurer ends and you remain blissfully happy before dying one day in your sleep.

>Disable Device
>Natural 20
>You pick the lock so swiftly, and render it's mechanism so utterly void that it explodes in a shower of clockwork. Two springs pierce each eye as they were so close and you are thus blinded.

>Natural 20
>Whilst everything does seem clearer now, you can't help but notice that something is Fnord. Fnording your fnord, a great winged fnord fnords you right in the fnord. You had seen to much. It had no choice.

>Natural 20

>> No.17032162


>Natural 20
>Your disguise is perfect. However, you exactly resemble the monarch's missing spouse. The spouse who made off with half of the country's wealth. You're executed for crimes of high treason.

>Natural 20
>You are approached by a talent agent with a deal you'd be stupid to refuse. Retiring from your adventuring career you begin a life of a famous music star. You are found dead decades later after an auto-erotic asphyxiation attempt went horribly wrong and your career is in tatters. On the bright side your best of album earns you billions posthumously.

>Use Magic Device
>Natural 20
>"You've solved the puzzle box!!" The cheerful looking man with a head full of nails explains, "In a thousand years, no one has done what you have accomplished!! Now, if you'd care to come with us... Don't look so shy, once you get used to the barbed dildos we stop and move onto something far worse..."

>Escape Artist
>Natural 20
>You have escaped the ultimate prison. A prison for your mind. Now join us on this rusty hover shitheap while we fight robo-squids. Also, he're a ropey looking hooker to be your enforced love interest. Yes, it's obligatory. No it is not "bullshit".

>Natural 20
>Your success in business draws the attention of a local crime syndicate. They own this town. As you slumber one evening, they slit your throat to send a message to anyone who would dare to muscle in on their turf.

>> No.17032281

Oh God... Don't remind me of that thread...

>> No.17032669

Anyone got more?

>> No.17033010

>roll survival
>"you become so in tune with nature you achive nirvana, gaining omnipotence, but not omniscience, and with no idea of how to use your powers you blow up the universe. thanks douchebag."

>> No.17033034

>>>gaze upon Pelor's gaze
>>gaze upon gaze
>gays upon gays

>> No.17033054

once rolled enough 20s to behead a creature.

that creature was a 6-headed frost hydra.

did it a second time in the next session.

this time it was a 8-headed fire hydra.

What the fuck are the chances?!

>> No.17033065

>Roll Craft (Armor)
>Natural 20
>You put your heart and soul into the armor, literally, roll percentile dice to see how many years it takes for you to learn to move your new body.

>> No.17033074


>> No.17033082

Assuming it takes a 20 per each head, 6.10351563 × 10-19

But not really because most d20s are not perfectly balanced

>> No.17033098

meh, my group didn't know the rules at the time so three 20s were enough to take all the heads. Also we found later that a hydra dies without at least one head.
So the scene under up looking like the Hercules animated movie.

>> No.17033103

>under up
*ended up
fuck my tablet

>> No.17033108

Under your DM's rules, the chances of what you did are 1 in 400, or 0.25%.

>> No.17033126

This happens when the DM feels like going along with shit:
Evil Monk: I begin to babble in Infernal to scare him.
Succubus Bard:Man if i were there I'd flip him off. My character hates devils.
DM: Roll spot?
Monk: Nat 20
For a moment,the veil of the planes opens before you, allowing you a brief vision of a succubus giving you the double middle fingers.

>> No.17033162

>Warp opens up
>Receive rude gesture
The universe itself conspires to rob me of my prize!

>> No.17033919

>3 20s 1 in 400
2 20s is 1 in 400
3 is 1 in 8000 (.0125%)

>> No.17034074

>Roll for lying to convince the investigators you are not the culprit
> 20
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uv-Nn-yNpAQ&ob=av3e

>> No.17034299

>roll to shoot giant enemy crab
>nat 20
>The bolt launches from your crossbow, easily >piercing the thick carapace-like hide of the >creature, passing through it in the blink of an >eye, the massive damage inflicted causing it to >slump to the floor. Suddenly, you feel an object >pierce your back. With a grunt of effort and pain, >you pull it out, alarmed as you recognise the >insignia on the shaft as your own. You pass out >in shock.

>> No.17034336

>accused of murder.
>the evidence is all there.
>go to court, trialed for life in prison.
>hire lawyer.
>tell him to diplomacy against the odds.
>"If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

Pic related.

>> No.17034351

most of the above nat 20 extremes are extremely stupid

nat 20 means that these incidences happen 5% of the time, thats pretty common,.

the nat 20 examples above arent going to happen even once in a million.

terrible DMs, terrible thread, i bet you laugh at chuck norris jokes

>hurr he so badass dat...

or yo mama jokes

>hurr yo mama so fat dat...

this is like the D&D geek equivalent

you should all feel bad

>> No.17034418

Nat 20 to make an unarmed attack lethal?
At least for WoD, you don't even need that. My Gangrel had a hatred for rappers. He saw rappers, so he picked a fight.
I punched him in the face, with blood buffed strength.
His neck broke.

>> No.17034453

>Villain making a speech
>Someone rolls to intimidate him
>Nat 20
>"The castle begins crumbling as you master the word play so well. It becomes obvious to you that your threat worked so well even the castle shakes in fear of you. Before the king has a chance to retaliate to your intimidation, a large rock falls on him, and kills him. The castle is now starting to break apart. It would be wise of you to leave now."

>> No.17034477


and that happens 1 in 20 times anytime somebody speaks angrily does it?

>> No.17034481


>> No.17034487


>> No.17034492

How White Power.

>> No.17034504

>Roll to cheer a kid who knows where treasure is
>Someone suggests to dance
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4V6HSCjeork&feature=related

>> No.17034670

agreed good sir, chuck norris jokes are funny and you SHOULD feel bad

>> No.17034717

I never said anything about skin color.

>> No.17034727

>Roll to punch a guy through a door
>Nat 20
>Knock guy into next week, literally. A week later he meets you while you're enjoying a drink and shanks you.

>> No.17035006

ITT: Bad DMs. Most of these are what you'd expect from a crit fail, not a crit success. Crit successes are intended to produce an overwhelmingly good result, not a negative one.

Not to say they aren't hilarious, of course

>> No.17035013

ITT: A shitton of newfags completely missing the point

>> No.17035020


>> No.17035021

ITT: Elaborate trolling by faking idiocy.

>> No.17035022

12 year old DM's

>> No.17035027

>Caring about newfags outside of /b/

>> No.17035031


Here's an overwhelming success for ya.

>DMing Savage Worlds, party is a platoon out to stop some Nazi's from getting immortality water.
>They commandeered a Jeep, all disguised in dead Nazi uniforms.
>Driver is Mr. "I can drive anything", I forgot his flaw is an intense and overwhelming hatred of Nazis.
>He rolls to run over a group of three SS soldiers.
>Aces seven times. Total roll around 35.
>"Your foot slams down on the gas twice, once to rev the engine and bring attention to the insane grin upon your face. The second time you keep it there, your hand working the shifter and your foot handling the clutch like a rally-car driver. The Jeep barely feels the bumps of three fresh corpses. But you're not done yet. The entire party is surprised as you whip the Jeep around and gun it towards a second group, then the third, fourth, and fifth. In all you essentially just "Tokyo Drifted" a WWII Jeep across the chipped and worn clay courtyard of an Aztec temple over fifteen Nazi's in six seconds.

>> No.17035035

I read something before in the archives
>thief trying to convince someone that he's skilled
>tries to take something without them noticing
>nat 20
>steals his fucking heart
>guy collapses on floor
>monk takes heart and tells thief to get out of the way
>punches the guy
>nat 20
>punches his heart back into his fucking body

>> No.17035061


>> No.17035109

The classic "Critical Success is turned into retardedly absurd critical failure by bad GMs" joke. Even a few good ones.
And the Autists who don't get it.

>> No.17035145

>and freeze
Why does nobody understand the vacuum?

>> No.17035173

I've got no fucking clue.
Even when explaining it IRL to someone smart, it often fails to work.

>> No.17035181

Because unlike sound in space, there hasn't been a movie tagline about how vacuum is really shitty at conducting heat and that you'd in all likelihood cook as you would have problems shedding excess heat without a medium of transfer.

>> No.17035190

This is pretty comprehensive.

>> No.17035218

DM actually did this

>nat 20
>the entire chest mysteriously vanishes leaving a huge pile of gold coins spread everywhere across the floor
>why cant i hold all these coins?!?

>> No.17035297

How about we make a game out of this? With corresponding Critical Failures that have strangely good results.

>> No.17035312

>Your disguise is so terrible it causes anyone who looks at you to go into a catatonic shock state

>> No.17035334

>Critical Failures that have strangely good results.
No no no!!

We punish them for rolling badly, we punish them for rolling well, we make them feel like they've always got a one in ten chance of the universe screwing them over, and if they question our mighty neckbeards!?

Rocks will fall.

Leave the GMing to the professionals.

>> No.17035354

The question is:
Do we want a ten percent change of shit going down or do we use a system where these instances are rarer?
I think extreme crits are funnier if they happen occasionally, not constantly. If they are rarer, the "oh fuck" expressions will be more awesome.

>> No.17035462

Percentile systems like DH, RT, DW, BC are more suited for this.
01 and (1)00 are more rare occurances and rolling them separately can additionally raise tension since they are this close by.

>> No.17035526

Or you use the dice pool system of oWoD...
Advantage: Botches get more likely with higher stats (As opposed to failures).

>> No.17035583

>The more skilled you are, the more likely you are to fail.
>But it's not "failing" cause of a difference in name

This is why I always hated WoD.

It seems to mechanically enforce failure in an attempt to make the world seem crueller.

>> No.17035606

>Botches get more likely if you have higher skills

"Unlike a normal failure, in which a character merely fails to achieve their desired result, a botch has actively negative consequences. For example, botching a roll when shooting a gun may result in the gun jamming, rather than merely missing the target, while botching a roll to disarm a security system might trigger the alarm or even result in the character getting an electrical shock from the system."

So, the system actively punishes you for getting more capable...?

Why do people play WoD again?

>> No.17035623

What, you think anyone likes it for the rules as opposed to fandom of any supernatural races?

>> No.17035667

You got a point there.

Still, surely there would be better systems to run their chosen supernatural in? Systems that don't punish competence? Like GURPS for instance...

>Whiny Goth Bitch: WUT!?!? I gotta maek mah own Vampire!? Fuck this shit let's go back to WoD

Ah, laziness. Never mind.

>> No.17035679

Well, I would like to get a usable vehicle in my games without going perfect math class.

>> No.17035756

Touché sir.

>> No.17035766

nWoD does not do this

and no one in their right mind actually used the botch rules in oWoD anyway or if they did they were houseruled into making sense (like you have to roll more 1s than the lowest element of your pool)

>> No.17035851

BOTCHES get more likely, not failure. Botches are a kind of failure.
You do get more likely to succeed, but your rate of failure gets lower while your rate of botches rises. So at higher levels you are more likely to succeed epically or fail horribly with no middle ground.

>> No.17035864

>(like you have to roll more 1s than the lowest element of your pool)
Botches in oWoD already only happen when you have NO successes and THEN get a 1.
Though my old group played with botches = more 1s than successes. And it lead to hilarious situations.

>> No.17038098

geez, I fall asleep and look at the shit that happens! also, I don't get why some people are saying "bad DM"(aside from trolling), as all the ones that don't require you to re-roll a character actually sound like they'd be cool to implement for special situations where the party is in a zone very loosely tied to reality, causing even minor actions to go overboard in results. Meanwhile, the ones where you die are just there for shits'n giggles.

>> No.17038166

Playing a superhero based campaign

>One 'hero' is notoriously evil at times, and has been talking on the phone to the company he's feeding info about our team to
>Other hero steals his phone due to suspicious activity
>Shady hero demands his phone back, and threatens to kill every one of the many children on board the 20 story tall megayacht we are on
>DM: "Are you really going to kill all these children?"
>Shady hero: "No, I'm gonna bluff"
>DM: "Roll for it"
>Shady hero: "Crit!"
>DM: *turns to heroic hero who took the phone*"You believe without a shadow of a doubt that he intends to kill every one of the children on this boat.
>Shady hero is launched off the side of the boat with telekinesis, 20 story drop into the ocean.

>> No.17038216

>going to the kitchen to get a sandwich
>roll search/perception
>nat 20
>you find yourself on the twelth plane of torment
>you are not a clever man

>> No.17040398


>> No.17040462


>> No.17040686

>fighting a massive golem that killed 1 of us and almost killed another
>there's no fucking way to hurt it, so I try to be creative
>"I search the room to find something to hurt this thing"
>hit a 20, AWESOME
>"you find nothing. Nothing at all"
>"Yeah, nothing"

next session
>We kill a giant sand worm
>friend rolls 20 to search its corpse
>"you find nothing"
>"Why is there no loot? Ever?"
>"cause it burst to ashes"

>> No.17040882

now THIS is a bad DM, not even humoring the natural 20 with an on-the-spot result, shame on him!

>search corpse for loot
>in the intense effort to search the corpse, your pupils widen to take in more light, but they widen too much, sucking in massive ammounts of light like a black-hole and firing the intense light at the corpse, vaporizing it.

>> No.17040892

this is heart warming, thank you!

>> No.17042787

>lineup of suspects presented to you, roll to determine murderer
>you discover it was YOU who killed laura palmer

>roll to hit a beholder with a kick
>turns out, legs really ARE contagious, and the beholder falls to the ground, baffled, tangled in it's band-new pair of legs

>roll to jump
>you jump with such force that you rocket into space, crashing through the moon and imbedding yourself in mars, while the recoil of your jump sends the world hurtling into the sun. roll new campaign

>roll vs will
>your willpower is so strong that not even the basic building blocks of nature can contain it, freeing it from your body. you have died, roll new character

>> No.17044395

golly, /tg/ sure does move slow, my last post was hours ago, this should have 404'd


>roll for initiative
>you go before anything else, literally. You have somehow tapped into the space-time continuum and have gone back in time to before ANYTHING has ever happened. Congrats, you get to see the universe born, but on the downside, your character is killed by the universe-creating force of the big-bang.

>> No.17044408

>i roll a 20 something must magically appear XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
fuck off faggot

>> No.17044422

I thought that was going to go in a completely different direction, something like...

>You find Nothing, as in a perfectly spherical void of nothing. It beings to suck in everything around it like a black hole.

>> No.17044435

that is as cool as what I posted, I am sad I didn't think of it first! cudos anon!

>> No.17044830

Y'see, I don't ask my characters to roll for mundane tasks, but it can be a fucking good laugh when they say "I'm gunna get out of the truck. ROLLING FOR TRUCK EXITING", and score a critical fail courtosy of the dice gods.

Funniest one was a 'vomit check'. She was doubled over, the vomit splattered off a rock and back into her eyes, the stumbled around, slipped on said rock, fell, and hit her head on a tree root. 1d4 damage and dazed for the next 10 minutes.

>> No.17044854

>Trucks no longer exist. In fact, they were never invented. What's a truck?

>> No.17044890

>"God damnit Viktor, you fucked up the entire blackop again because you un-invent the things you exit. Stop getting out of the vehicles until they aren't mission critical anymore!"

>> No.17044966

>"Hakim you dumb shit! you left the promissed land and now it no longer exists! How are we supposed to get our 40 virgins now?"

>> No.17044981

Demanding something for a roll is not exactly good RPing, but it's also not good GMing to respond to critical success by saying 'nope' and ignoring it.

Hakim, you can go on your Hajj, but don't you dare leave Mekka ever again. I swear, I'll call an Intifada against you myself.

>> No.17044996

>"Mekka? what is mekka?"

>> No.17045113


>> No.17045159

NO. Don't tell me...

>> No.17045169

no one needs to. You already know.

>> No.17045194

If that's a real advertisment then the guy that did it need some sort of award.

>> No.17045206

all the natural 20s in the world should suffice as reward
>looks over own thread
lol well that guy's fucked

>> No.17045214

looks shooped

>> No.17045234

I deny your words.

>> No.17045239

Denial of one cannot change the truth of a million.

>> No.17045254

Or can it?

>> No.17045264

Not with a mouthful of mustard.

>> No.17045281


>repress ricardi

I assume "ricardi" is spanish for libido.
Yes, I definitely need to repress my libido.

>> No.17045283

Servant, show this rude person out.

>> No.17045288

Your failure is cosmic.

>> No.17045298

At once.

>> No.17045300

Bring it

>> No.17045309

never really liked mustard, always been more of a peanutbutter and cheese-whiz kinda guy.
back on track though...
>roll to roll through enemy square
>you roll so well that you cannot stop rolling, and keep rolling around the world at insane speeds. years from now, wizards and scientists develop a method of harnessing the immense power your now dead but still rolling corpse produces, and the world gains a new source of neigh-infinite energy! shame you're dead though, roll new character

>> No.17045318


>> No.17045324

>Roll to see how grand her "cosmic" failure is
>her failure is so immense that not even natural law can hold it, becoming a cosmic horror bent on consuming the universe. roll new campaign

>> No.17045326


>> No.17045334


>> No.17045344


>> No.17045361


>> No.17045450

Okay I guess I'll give you one Greentext.
>Playing a mindflayer because I do what I want.
>Party is fighting some crazy monks in not-Asia.
>Some big mean mother hubbard walks up to us.
>He's a demi-god and my character is obsessed with gods. specifically assension to becoming a deity.
>I appropriately roll to grapple him in an attempt to eat his brains to get his secrets.
>This is a Nat 20 thread so we know what happened.
>"Knowledge floods your conscience, you become aware that you possess the ability to mold the universe to your liking by will alone. Your physical form is shed."
>From then on I had the abilities associated with unbodied characters and could simply feed on thoughts rather than brains.
The world shortly after became retarded as I ate ALL the thoughts.

>> No.17045461

ALL the thoughts?

>> No.17045478

Yes, all of them.

>> No.17045488

>Having horrible luck
>Up against harpies
>"lol roll nature check to Ghost Noise a Harpy Mating call in the distance"
>Nature is 0
>Natural 20
>DM turns around
>"You can only do it if you can make the sound"

>> No.17045502

>team of kobolds
>attacked by a nagah sorcerer
>our Dragonwrought Scout rolls a 20.
>rolls to confirm. Another 20.
>Dragonwrought Scout beats his wings, takes to the air, comes down and STABS his SPEAR into the nagah's neck and shoulder.

>My guy rolls to finish it off, aiming to slice it down the belly and spill its bowels out like candy from a pinata.
>natural 1.

>> No.17045503

that sounds like a-
-delicious idea

I wish I was there to hear it

>> No.17045505

>Roll to greentext
> 20
> All text is now green. All color is now just varying shades of green.

>> No.17045507

>Punchline of the joke: You got Harpies. No, not the monsters, the STD.

>> No.17045508

"I'm green abudee abudeen?"

>> No.17045511

We ended up there because some smartass tried to make the magic labyrinth take us to a brothel, actually.

>> No.17045522

"now listen up heres a story about a fatass who lives in a green world"

>> No.17045625

>"and all day and all night and everything he sees is green, like him, inside and outside"

>> No.17045726

off to bed I go, see you in a bit.
on a related note
>roll for how many hours you sleep
>you sleep for so long that this thread 404s and there's nothing you can do about it.

>> No.17046725

Well played

>> No.17048235


>> No.17048390

>roll for thread age
>your thread lives so absurdly long compared to what it should have that no one cares about it any more and it slowly dies with you the sad, sole poster

>> No.17048555


>> No.17049539

>roll to hit ork with punch
>you hit him so hard his body flies all around the world, smashing into your back, killing you, roll new character

>> No.17050701


>> No.17051293

>roll diguise
>your disguise is so perfect you cannot find the seamlines of the fake skin you used. at all. they have become fused to your flesh and you can no longer remove them, which is kinda a drag as you disguised yourself as the BBEG and your party didn't know, oh look, here they come now!

>> No.17051393

okay, this is obviously a joke a nat 20 means you succeed no matter what the circumstance, not "LOL U DO DIS SO WELL SOMTIN BAD HAPPENS." and if you believe this is serioud you need to choke on a dick.

>> No.17051783

Here's one that actually happened.

>Party finished an epic fight against a powerful vampire.
>Rolling search for loot
>Nat 20
>My CN character finds an incredibly powerful enchanted sword and proceeds to use it for the rest of the campaign, kicking metric fucktons of ass with it.
>Later find out that the sword is an artifact of the God of Vengeance, and using it so well drew its personal attention.
>God uses his connection to his artifact for force my CN character into subservience.

My character eventually agreed to serve as his champion, on the condition that when he eventually died his soul would go to Valhallah, not the halls of the tormented.

>> No.17052316


>> No.17052343

>Swing at the loyalist marine with my chainaxe
>Your axe rips straight through the marine, bisecting him, but so fiercely did you cut through him that your axe proceeds to chop up a tree and several forest animals behind him, providing food, firewood and building supplies for the local settlement.

>> No.17052561

>Roll for Drive
>The second you hit 88 MPH your car is struck by lightning, rocketing you into the distant past.

>> No.17052583

and for once a good thing came of the BAD natural 20!

>> No.17052614


Hopefully that good deed won't go unpunished.

>> No.17052698

>Nat 20
>"The man's clothing manages to continue on for half a step before collapsing in a heap. You are clutching an utterly bemused, naked man."
The best part? Every witness swears black and blue the PC had nothing to do with it.

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