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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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[ERROR] No.16139993 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

So the galactic federation of worlds throws a massive talent show.

What act does Earth enter?

>> No.16139998

Men without Hats

>> No.16140011

Naked female Spacy officers nuking a replica of Venus de Milo into an asteroid.

I'd watch that, with my dick in my hand.

>> No.16140024


I... actually agree.

>> No.16140050


Either a historical reenactment, or an extreme sport like parkour. Just something to show off a bit.

>> No.16140081

Through Fire and Flames on expert.

>> No.16140086


Perhaps, without the nude female officers (after all it'd have to be some sort of PG-13 production). That said.


Captcha: lessors BlackMales

That's just racist Captcha. Unless -- are you trying to tell us something?

>> No.16140091

We argue. For hours.

>> No.16140095

>the future
>differing cultures

>> No.16140098

One guy, one violin. Fucking Paganini.

>> No.16140101

Given that Earth is the only planet in the galaxy to have evolved multicellular life, and every other sentient species is just a giant slug-like amoeba and as a result is hooooorribly inefficient, we can do pretty much anything.

"Watch as I walk across this room and reach the other side in under 4 hours! Tada slugfags"

>> No.16140102

Clear UFO on Lunatic?

>> No.16140109

The Aristocrats, preformed literally.

>> No.16140112

One randomly-selected Eurovision entry.

>> No.16140117

We send some guy with a paddleball. While the galaxy watches in confusion, we simultaneously obliterate the homeworlds of every other major race in the federation by accelerating asteroids to near-light speed and launching them via wormhole in a precision strike.

Meanwhile, the event will be broadcast all over Earth set to the tune of "Glorious Dawn", with impact timed to the line "A still more Glorious Dawn awaits".

>> No.16140123

Troll the fuck out of everyone by doing a dramatic reading of James Joyces' Ulysses.

>> No.16140124

A musical number.


>> No.16140130


>> No.16140141

We show off this guy, obviously:


>> No.16140154

Except everyone can do that in low gravity environments.

>> No.16140164

This guy is more impressive.

>> No.16140165

Humans are not snowflakes.

Sorry to say but whatever we have planned to wow the other sentient species (including "trolling the fuck out of them" or "killing them all") has probably been considered by the representatives of at least half a million other worlds who also thought they were snowflakes.

The only correct answer is "whatever no one else has."

So it'll probably come down to something shitty like the Imperial measurement system or Rice-A-Roni.

>> No.16140169

100% we get the shittiest thing ever.

>> No.16140171

We could do the "hunter shot in a forest" joke.

>> No.16140173

We need an act that represents the sum total of the true and eternal spirit of humanity.

So let's send a fat, bald, and not particularly bright man who will try to have sex with every object or living creature that enters the stage.

>> No.16140174

Carl Sagan would abhor your notions of brainless violence.

>> No.16140180

Carl Sagan can suck my dick.

>> No.16140189

>implying most humans are fat and/or bald

>> No.16140196


Humanity High-Five!

>> No.16140201

Carl Sagan was a humanist. HUMANist. The galaxy is ours. Any other species out there exist only to build ruins for our future xenoarchaeologists to have something to study.

>> No.16140204




>> No.16140206

That's not how it works. YOU could suck his cock for Carl is your better man.

>> No.16140207

Is the Galactic Federation all human or a mix of humans and aliens?

If aliens, send one dude in massive bulky power armour to do "human poetry reading", and read a fucked up poem in a bored, emotionless voice. It won't win us any prizes but it'll help us keep up with our "humans are psychotic warlords" show we've got going.

>> No.16140208

Imagine they like the smell of our excrements.
The greatest dump ever taken! Live on stage!

>> No.16140209

so derp

>> No.16140210

Actually, that makes no sense at all. The only logical thing to do is to try something incredibly fundamental, and just try to do it really, really well.

I.E., kill the fucking audience. Can't go over their heads if you're aiming for their balls. Except for the Testiculons of course.

>> No.16140218

>using a reaction pic of a balding, fat bloke

>> No.16140223

Indeed, killing every other species in the galaxy would be a perfect demonstration of humanity's greatest talent.

>> No.16140225

No no, that's bitch-humanism. The kind practiced by Swedes, Canadians and Joss Whedon. The kind that whines about stuff and never does anything.

You're thinking of Humanocentric Imperialism, which is an entirely different ballgame, and not nearly as homosexual.

>> No.16140228

I could, yes.
But I won't.
I force my penis in the wound
and thrust and hear the fizz
of the chemical reaction
when I bathe your heart in jizz

>> No.16140229

How about a comedic act where we present silly part of our human history?

"We humans discovered volume pretty early-on in our development, when one of our greatest minds got out of his bathtub and noticed he was so fat the water itself was trying to escape from his blubber!"

*canned laughter*

>> No.16140230

Every sentient, rational species capable of intergalactic travel would see the logic in eradicating all other life, and preventing it from evolving again. Since all life has not been eradicated, and we have evolved, we can assume one of three things:

1. There are no species currently capable of intergalactic travel. In this case, we will either be the first, or come soon after them, keeping pace technological.

2. They haven't found us yet. In this case, given the scope of the universe, it's likely we will become an intergalactic civilization before being discovered.

3. They are unwilling to destroy other life. In this case, human willingness to do so will give us the advantage we need to overtake all other species.

Take from this what you will.

>> No.16140232

>Carl Sagan was a humanist
No he wasn't, not in any sense of the word. Stop making random shit up.

>> No.16140237

The only thing we do have that would be somewhat unique in a likely galaxy full of faster, stronger, smarter, or more agile aliens. Yak deculture.

>> No.16140240

>implying he's fat
It's manifest destiny.

>> No.16140245

None. We set up the stage, the confectionary booths and kiosks outside, clean the place up afterwards, and then hitch rides home with everyone.


>> No.16140249

So just Mel Brooks History of the World?

>> No.16140251

> the logic in eradicating all other life, and preventing it from evolving again
>human willingness to do so

Fucking trolls.

>> No.16140257

Who's to say we won't be far more intelligent than they are? After all, we're heading for the whole 'transhumanism' thing. Maybe this is the road less traveled?

Those aliens out there spent all their time making technology to use with their hands. They never understood the sheer potential they ignored. They never thought to build the technology into their hands.

>> No.16140260

Check out 1981.

>> No.16140276

Dammit, how did you know?

Freaking humans, I swear you guys can read our minds.

>> No.16140293

why would anyone want to do any of those

if they are a Stage Three Civilization (feasible space travel) they wouldn't need to, were a Stage Zero civilization

they've got fucking dyson spheres and guess what news flash! earth is actually EXTREMELY SMALL compared to some of the other Terrestrial planets we found, plus planets they still need to mine the fuck out of

>> No.16140307

>A topic of what act Humanity would enter into a peaceful intergalatic talent show.
>Turns into of thread of genocidal fuck-wits going on about killing all life so their balls can feel big.

Goddamnit, /tg/, this is why the Killbots are always choosen to host the Space Olympics other us.

Every Fucking Year.

>> No.16140313

Yeah, when they massacre people, at least it's EXPECTED. Though I guess that's where humanity's going as well...

>> No.16140322


>> No.16140328


To be fair, the Killbots *are* excellent hosts.
Their murder-cafes are a fusion of efficiency and class, their public transportation is timely and convenient, and their population is consistently polite to a fault.

>> No.16140336

Good. I don't want any fucking Meklars romping around my hometown eyeballin' our women.

>> No.16140338

Hey now, we've only been putting in decoy bids for the Space Olympics anyways. This way we can fuck up someone else's planet during Nuclear Hammer Throw and Giant Robot Laser Gymnastics.

>> No.16140341


>> No.16140345

Sadly, politeness on their world consists of tearing your liver out through your eyehole... the public transportation, though? Top-notch. Who ever heard of coffee machines on buses?

Truly an enlightened species.

>> No.16140347

No, don't go the murder-cafes, they're just flat out tourist traps.

>> No.16140349

Didn't you hear? Space Olympics have been totally cancelled due to budget cuts, alien invasion, and the many problems of hosting a sporting event in space.

>> No.16140355


>> No.16140359


>> No.16140360


And somebody who's name will not be mentioned accidentally hit self destruct.

>> No.16140363

>this thread about humans killing everyone
>implying humans wouldn't be a bunch of constantly-apologizing and cowardly traders and prospectors

>> No.16140367

And you are drawing this from?

>> No.16140377



>> No.16140379

I'd care a lot more about hosting the Space Olympics if humans could actually compete. I mean, fuck, it's not our fault that our urine IS a performance enhancing drug for every other known species...

>> No.16140381

What of them? Are they examples of aliens?

>> No.16140384

I'm more curious what the Myconid Trinity is planning for its event. They're a younger race than even us, but they've got some pretty sweet biotech capabilities.

I also heard they excrete a kind of hyper-LSD when they get excited. Last week one of their senate ambassadors got attacked by hippies who licked it half to death.

>> No.16140390

We don't deserve to enter the galactic talent show. Did you guys hear about that toaster that took over a mining ship and held it hostage? Fucking thing assimilated the AI and killed almost everyone on the ship.

Seriously if Earth can't even get a simple thing like a toaster working we don't stand a chance.

>> No.16140396



>> No.16140400

Shit, seriously? Man. Knowing we may have invented something more lethal than ourselves actually makes me proud. Ah, the joys of parenthood...

>> No.16140412

While this is ridiculously unlikely, the idea seems interesting.

Of course, /tg/ already did it with the whole Mass Effect/Eclipse Phase thing.

>> No.16140425

The Aristocrats.

>> No.16140428

Fireworks, maybe?

>> No.16140438

It's simple

We perform Whose On First

>> No.16140444

Not the Aristocrats?

>> No.16140465

Who's on First?

>> No.16140476

How many people can we enter?

We could have a live re-enactment of the Battle of Austerlitz (using real ammunition) with six orchestras performing the soundtrack while our greatest actors describe what's going on and why it happened.

>> No.16140480

Yes, that's right.

>> No.16140490

Not Karansebes?

>> No.16140495

What do you mean, that's right? Who's on First?

>> No.16140507

That's astrange way to write "Battle of Passchendaele".

>> No.16140510


Yep. Sure is.

>> No.16140516

What? Just tell me the name of the guy on first place!

>> No.16140520


You must have never heard of the Battle of Karansebes, Austro-Hungaria's finest hour.

>> No.16140524



>> No.16140527

I actually have; truly a stunning testament to the effectiveness of the Austrio-Hungarian empire's military prowess.

>> No.16140529


>> No.16140548

Cirque de Soleil.

Wasn't it fucking obvious?

>> No.16140550

-galactick federation of worlds talent show-

the earth is the only one attending.


>> No.16140553

Unless they are starfish aliens whose idea of saying hello is eating you to get to know you better, then we have to be empaths.

>> No.16140556

I need to know- who's that babe in the OP's pic?

>> No.16140565

Katie Manequin from Gundam 00

>> No.16140578


I'd say our talent is adaptability and the ability to survive even the harshest circumstances. We should just have a several month long documentary of our greatest survival expert just living where-the-fuck-ever in the galaxy and surviving the shit out of it.

>> No.16140582


a commander from Gundam 00. Hard-nosed and no-nonsense, she's introduced when she punches an arrogant mobile suit pilot in the face. She then makes him her bitch and eventually marries him while still being totally dominant in every way and being an awesome commander.

>> No.16140585


I don't think advanced aliens want to watch some Polish guy drink his own piss for weeks on end.

>> No.16140588

And everyone calls us cheats because we're not performing live.

REALLY we should construct the harshed habitat we can and dump the guy in on stage (that said stage happens to be over a hundred miles wide is irrelevant).

>> No.16140591

No, What is on second base.

>> No.16140592

Righto, thanks.

>> No.16140606

Honestly, in a galactic FEDERATION of worlds, they probably have the same technology and shit that we do, at minimum.

So we'd need to stick to our biological and social strengths.

Which can best be observed by comparing creatures with similar biology and social structure against dissimilar animals here on Earth.

In our case, apes, gorillas, chimps and bonobos, versus everything else in the zoo.

So, humanity's talents should be related to what people see and comment on among other primates, singularly and to a greater extent than other zoo animals, apart from tool use (again presuming same tech due to federation and thus unified/federalist government).

Therefore Earth's act should be masturbating and flinging poo.

>> No.16140614

I'm not asking you Who's on Second!

>> No.16140617

>Implying that Zimbabwe is on an even technological footing with Japan because both are members of the UN.

>> No.16140619

Brian Blessed as: Brian Blessed


>> No.16140621

Everyone knows Humanities talent would be it's ability to stick it's dick in any living thing with a hole.

Imagine the looks on the aliens faces when Humanities follows up a race that can breath fire and lift a ton with one hand by shoving our dicks in a variety of deadly deadly aliens.

>> No.16140625

No, Who is on first!

>> No.16140630

Alright it's settled, let's get Puppetry of the Penis

>> No.16140655


Just imagine the calling for those men. "Come all ye perverts, ye demented, ye sickos, ye with egg impregnation and hardcore alien fetishes; come and bring your species HONOR!"

Then a bunch of random guys make the sweetest, most passionate love anybody has ever seen to a bunch of terrifying aliens in front of the entire galaxy. Amen.

>> No.16140739

Word soon spreads across the galaxy, not of humanities technology, not of humanities intellect, but of humanities lust and courage, the courage of their penis. At the very farthest planets a tribe of aliens speak of the legend of Humanity and their swords.

>> No.16141026

>What act does Earth enter?
As I recall, Deltron Z entered the contest and won handily.

Ironically, the Federation fired him shortly after for missing one day of work.

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