Quantcast
[ 3 / biz / cgl / ck / diy / fa / g / ic / jp / lit / sci / tg / vr ] [ index / top / reports / report a bug ] [ 4plebs / archived.moe / rbt ]

If you can see this message, the SSL certificate expiration has been fixed.
Become a Patron!

/tg/ - Traditional Games


View post   

[ Toggle deleted replies ]
File: 43 KB, 504x360, thatguy1.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543234 No.15543234 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

Your phone buzzes, breaking your concentration. Your unfinished character sheet for Dungeons and Dragons 3.5(which is so vastly superior to 4e) lays before you, hardly blighted by your terrible handwriting.
A rush of irritation overcomes you as you find it and then subsides again when as you read the text message from your Dungeon Master, Frank, for the upcoming game.

"Hey _____, don't forget the game tonight! Please try to be finished by that time...we want to actually get to playing this time."

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

>> No.15543249

Matt. Matt Ward to be more exact.

>> No.15543260

Pooplord Feastpants.

Nah, Frank will do fine.

>> No.15543263

My name is Slab Squatthrust.

>> No.15543268

Theodore Grumpy

("that guy" or "/tg/" for short)

>> No.15543275

After a furrowing of your brow and some contemplation, you press the, "Reply," button and type a message.

"Yeah, Frank, I'm already done! You'll love my character!"

After a moment of self-reflection you shrug off any uprising feelings of self-loathing and doubt and turn back to your work.

WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTERS NAME, RACE, CLASS, AND ANY OTHER RELEVANT INFORMATION?
(Note: The name will be taken from the first reply, the race form the second, and so on, so as to provide variety)

>> No.15543284

Drozz't
Mummy
Druid
Female

>> No.15543287

>>15543275
Kaldor Draigo
Human
Paladin

>> No.15543292

Steven the hermaphroditic half-drow geomancer

>> No.15543299

>>15543275
Urkhart the incredibly small halfling fighter! Who is also a trap as well as a reverse trap (so a chick pretending to be a guy pretending to tbe a chick.).

>> No.15543304

We are PIGDOG.

>> No.15543317

>>15543287

haha oh god this

>> No.15543318

>Drozz't the human geomancer, thrice-trapped
>better than expected.jpg

>> No.15543326
File: 36 KB, 504x360, stats.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543326

Satisfied, if a little confused at the smorgasbord that erupted from your head onto paper, you now get your dice out to roll your stats.

PLEASE ROLL 4d6 SAYING WHICH STAT YOU ARE ROLLING FOR. THE LOWEST DICE WILL BE TAKEN AWAY...MAYBE.

>> No.15543331

rolled 3, 3, 4, 1 = 11

>>15543326

WIS!

>> No.15543332

rolled 1, 5, 2, 1 + 4 = 13

>>15543326

strength

>> No.15543335

rolled 3, 3, 2, 3 = 11

>>15543326
CHARISMA, AND ANYTHING LESS THAN AN 18 IS UNACCEPTABLE

>> No.15543338

>>15543332

sorry, was supposed to be -4

>> No.15543340

rolled 4, 3, 5, 6 = 18

>>15543326
CHA

or CON, if CHA is taken

>> No.15543352

rolled 1, 4, 5, 1 = 11

INT

Please all ones
Please all ones
Please all ones

>> No.15543360

>>15543335
DID I SAY CHA, I MEANT CON. THAT'S TOTALLY MY CON!

>> No.15543361

rolled 6, 6, 5, 6 = 23

DEX!

>> No.15543367

>>15543360
we really can't be that guy if our female character has less than 18 CHA

this is about authenticity, here

>> No.15543372

rolled 2, 4, 4, 5 = 15

>>15543361

Rolling for DEX.

>> No.15543377

CHA

>> No.15543380
File: 39 KB, 504x360, 1310394979405.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543380

You stare at the sheet in disbelief. Your dice have suddenly turned tsundere and riddled you with horrible scores.
You swiftly look around over your shoulders and scan your parents basement for any other sentient life forms.
Finding none, you set to work...

>> No.15543386
File: 35 KB, 400x267, 02_golden_boy_04.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543386

>>15543377
and thus, my attempt to guess at how to roll on /tg/ was a miserable failure

>> No.15543389

rolled 4, 2, 4, 2 = 12

>>15543326
CON!!!

>> No.15543390

>>15543380

>Matt Ward: Ponder about what will be in the next SM codex.

>> No.15543393

>>15543380
Change those babies to flat 18s bro

How else will we enjoy the game if we aren't unstoppable and better than everyone else?

>> No.15543396

>>15543380
Now that I rolled my base stats, I apply a 20-point buy to them. The rules don't say I can't generate stats multiple times!

>> No.15543401

>>15543380
I'm thinkin... 18, 18, 18, 18, 17, 18

The 17's so the DM doesn't get suspicious.

>> No.15543404

>>15543393
>>15543396

These, in that order.

>> No.15543405

>>15543401
GENIUS

>> No.15543411

You better do this right and relroll until you have 3 18s. Don't just fudge, that's cheating, every that guy knows that.

>> No.15543416
File: 40 KB, 504x360, stats.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543416

Satisfied with your handy work and thanking Cthulhu you wrote with a pencil and not a pen, you proceed to fill in other minor details.

FOR SIMPLICITIES SAKE, YOU WILL CHOOSE 4 SKILLS TO SPECIALIZE IN AND 4 SKILLS TO BE MODERATE IN. FIRST FOUR POSTS MAY CHOOSE ONE SPECIAL AND ONE MODERATE.

>> No.15543420

Pad out my stats into what a beautiful, brilliant and seductive Drow Geomancer should have. Once that's finished, I crop some of my favorite drow porn and use it for my character portrait.

>> No.15543427

>>15543416

SPECIAL: FLIRTAN'

>> No.15543430

>>15543380
Profession: Courtreasan as special!
Moderate in Knowledge: Arcana!

>> No.15543439

>>15543416
Speshulty: Profession (Prostitution)
Moderate: Craft (Coathanger)

>> No.15543445

>>15543416
Specialize
Concentration
Bluff
Profession: Dominatrix
Diplomacy

Minor skills are for faggots who can't minmax right!

>> No.15543446

>>15543416
Specialty: Japanese long-blades
Moderate: Dual-wielding swords

>> No.15543459

>>15543430
>>15543439
>>15543445
>>15543446
This is so awesome.

>> No.15543463
File: 76 KB, 179x262, 1310395565453.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543463

I demand that this be our character portrait.

>> No.15543474

rolled 26 = 26

>>15543463

We're human, not drow.

>> No.15543476
File: 56 KB, 504x360, stats.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543476

Not exactly what you had planned, but the DM won't count how many skill points you have, and if he does, you can figure something out, right...?

You must now choose three feats, and the DM has graciously provided that you can make your own up to suit your character WITHIN REASON!
You're not entirely sure what that last part means, but you are sure as hell going to do that!

>> No.15543485

>>15543474
Damn, back to the fa- drawing board.

>> No.15543488

>>15543463
Where is that from?

>> No.15543490

>>15543476
Of course we take Outsider Wings on level one.
We can explain this with our minor tiefling heritage if the DM asks. Hooray for batlike wings that allow flying at our land speed.
The DM won't know about the requirement of having 2 base saves anyway.

>> No.15543492

>>15543476
Feat: Seduce
Roll 3d6, target is seduced by sexual wiles on a 3+, modifiers have no effect.

>> No.15543496

>>15543474
I think you're missing the point of this quest. That portrait is PERFECT.

>> No.15543501

Feat: Great Cleavage
Benefit: +5 to diplomacy and bluff checks.

>> No.15543506

>>15543492
Name this "Drow Heritage", and then use >>15543463 as our portrait.

>> No.15543508

>>15543476
I write up Magical Savant. It doubles my int wis or cha bonus for the purpose of DCs.

>> No.15543526

>>15543506
Better yet, I whip out an obscure third party book and drop this as a feet, and instead take it as a background bonus. Now he won't bitch about me writing down extra feats anymore!

>> No.15543529

>Feat: Diamond Hide
>skin has been interlaced with diamonds because we're a geomancer
>effect: damage taken is halved

>> No.15543530
File: 40 KB, 504x360, feats.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543530

(Note: I did a little extra on one, hope that's alright.)

Your feats, chosen you now have to roll for hit die, gold, and choose possessions.

PLEASE ROLL 1D8 FOR HIT DIE, ACCORDING TO THE GEOMANCER IN 3.5. PLEASE ROLL 3d4X10 FOR GOLD.
PLEASE CHOOSE 10 STARTING ITEMS FOR FREE.
(Note: In regards to possessions, I'm pretty much just going to pick whatever will fit the best, unless people have a problem with that)

>> No.15543545

>>15543476
A feat that allows us to level up as a fighter at the same rate that we level our normal class. Which also gives us extra fighter feats and stuff.

And then something perverted, like ultimate whore training or something like that.

>> No.15543547

>>15543530
studded dildo

>> No.15543548

>>15543530

simple

you just take 10 chickens

>> No.15543556

>>15543530
Naturally we should get +8 to hit points right from the start for some background related reason. Like ultimate whore training or something.

>> No.15543558
File: 69 KB, 499x523, test.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543558

Okay I humbly submit this portrait as a possible replacement for my previous one here.
>>15543463
Note that while this character looks a lot like Samus from Metroid, IT IS NOT. This is an entirely ORIGINAL character I made BY MYSELF.

>> No.15543560

rolled 5 = 5

>>15543530
Rolling hit points, my items are: twin katanas +5 (counts as 1 item right? one is fire-elemental, the other is lightning), a chainmail bikini (+5 cha, +5 CA, dex max +8) and a pet half-fiend, half-elf, half-angel wolf.

>> No.15543562

rolled 1 + 4 = 5

>>15543530
I'm pretty sure we have very resilient and tough heritage, so I'm going to roll 1d4+4 (+con) as my HP instead.

>> No.15543563

rolled 8 = 8

>>15543556
Derped my roll.

>> No.15543565

>>15543547
this

but on a 10-foot pole

>> No.15543568

>>15543530
+6 Katana of Ethereal Sharpness
Hits inflicted with this weapon cannot be blocked in any way and always cause full damage.
The weapon is soul-bound and can never be taken away from the owner unless they want to.

>> No.15543572

rolled 1, 2, 4 = 7

>>15543530
rollan' gold

>> No.15543573

>>15543568
I like this. I assume we're using the correct stats for the Katana, 1d12 18-20x3 crit?

>> No.15543577

>>15543545
call it 'courtesan's constitution'

>>15543548
Chickens? That's it?

Ten animated suits of plate-mail. They're your bodyguards (they've all got +3 greatswords)

>> No.15543579

>>15543530

An intelligent, talking Katana which is the soul of our dead father who guides us on our quest of honor and vengeance! It can cut anything and does +5 damage against gaijins.

>> No.15543585

>>15543573
It's 2d6 17-20.
After all, it's been folded thousands and thousands of times by expert craftsmen.

>> No.15543589

A +5 Vorpal Keen Katana

>> No.15543592

An owlbear warlock (19 class levels, 5 racial hit dice) mount wearing custom armor (Dwarven, Stone. 9 to AC, +5 enhancement bonus) who is proeficient with Katanas.

>> No.15543596

Whip or that retarded spiked chain weapon so we can both be a dominatrix in the bedroom and dominate the battle field.
Some homebrew version with whips on one side and chains on the other does all kind of damages since there are many pointy bits and blades and weights and some of them are silver, adamant and shit. Bypasses everything.

Some dominatrix/ninja outfit

>> No.15543598

>>15543585
You forgot the x4 you fucking retard.

>> No.15543600

>>15543579
I beat you to the punch, bro.
>>15543568
I just hope the rest of the inventory isn't filled with chickens first.

>>15543573
Fuck if I know, really. I just said katana 'cause it sounded awesome.

>captcha: acid titheir
This could be useful.

>> No.15543601

Can we get a small child as an item?
Black is fine too.
We could use it to trigger traps and whatnot.

Wait, tell you what: one of our starting items is the deed to a big orphanage. It's just paper and ink so it can't be worth more than a few coppers.
Whenever our old orphan breaks, we can get a new one free!

>> No.15543609

>>15543601
Why can't I have this marvelous suggestions in my table? Why? Such flawless logic

>> No.15543610

>>15543601
That. Is. Awesome. (For a ficticious character, of course.)
I hope it gets in, it trumps a studded dildo on a 10-foot-pole and 9 chickens any day of the week.

>> No.15543622
File: 47 KB, 504x360, 1310397031899.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543622

You stare at your work, satisfied with what you've accomplished, convinced this will be the best character ever.

You look at the clock. Two hours until game time.
You remember you have no character portrait yet!

POST CHARACTER PORTRAIT AND ROLL 1D100, HIGHEST NUMBER IN 10 GETS IT. NO SHOW OF ROLL IN EMAIL FIELD, DOESN'T COUNT.

>> No.15543629

>>15543622
You forgot that the owlbear is a mount.
Also voting this as character portrait.
>>15543463

>> No.15543632

rolled 2 = 2

>>15543629
hurr

>> No.15543634
File: 188 KB, 600x733, 1310397165255.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543634

rolled 35 = 35

>>15543622
Female Human Geomancer is go.

Sorry she doesn't have a katana

>> No.15543639
File: 14 KB, 250x200, yoshi wearing a gray blindfold.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543639

>>15543632

>> No.15543642
File: 57 KB, 315x369, killa-kali-thumb.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543642

rolled 28 = 28

>>15543622
I love that 10 chickens are somehow 1 item

I suggest this portrait because we need more arms to wield more katanas

>> No.15543648
File: 66 KB, 600x532, AFRO COWBOY PALADIN.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543648

rolled 7 = 7

>>15543622
Just think of a female version of this.

>> No.15543650

rolled 94 = 94

>>15543558
rolling for this

>> No.15543651
File: 21 KB, 409x327, 1295830319902.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543651

rolled 64 = 64

>>15543622
Wa ha ha! 5 Katanas!
Best.
Swordswoman.
EVER.

>> No.15543654
File: 87 KB, 800x667, 1264202264236.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543654

rolled 79 = 79

>>15543622
You are pretty sure you were supposed to be drawing a girl with three katanas and her owlbear katana wielding companion, but that damn beastiality fetish reared it's ugly head again.

Note to self: Fuck Owlbear as often as possible and roleplay it in lurid detail.

P.S. Also have the owlbear rape toddlerkon orphan if possible.

>> No.15543657
File: 114 KB, 560x600, 2010Her_mugMarySueGooch_GDR_3[1].jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543657

rolled 50 = 50

>> No.15543661
File: 76 KB, 764x957, 1309313598006.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543661

rolled 50 = 50

>>15543622

>> No.15543662

rolled 80 = 80

>>15543650
I, for one, embrace what will probably be our character portrait.

>> No.15543668
File: 106 KB, 683x880, 1310397443843.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543668

IT'S A GIRL PRETENDING TO BE A BOY PRETENDING TO BE A GIRL

ALSO A PROSTITUTE AND A DOMINATRIX

POST APPROPRIATE PICTURES

>> No.15543675

rolled 4 = 4

>>15543654
You sir, are capturing the essence of "that guy" in disgustingly pure form.

Template hit, rolling to wound. Wounding on 4+.

>> No.15543685

>>15543622
rolling for this
>>15543661

>> No.15543686
File: 65 KB, 504x360, 1310397607754.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543686

You scour the internet for a while looking for a suitable portrait, after finding one and printing it out, you carefully examine it for a few minutes and then have to print it out again.

You still have one hour to prepare for game time.
WHAT DO YOU DO.

>> No.15543701

>>15543686
Masturbate FURIOUSLY at the BEST character of ALL TIME. Eat nachos. Call up your friends and ask them about their characters so you can backstab them later.

>> No.15543702

>>15543686
Write long, detailed backstory telling the timeless tale of my rape by the hands of a weretigerwolf that resulted in my bestiality fetish and my owlbear bf.

>> No.15543707

>>15543686
I was going to type something, then >>15543701 and >>15543702 popped up. So I'll just not type something.

>> No.15543712

>>15543701
Make sure not to wash hands in between nachos and masturbation, whichever order you do them in.

>> No.15543714

>>15543686
Write some back-story for the character, be sure to stress her relationships with significant characters in the kingdom, such as the local Duke, the prince, and the King himself, as well as the more estoteric characters in the kingdom. (Am I using that word right? "Esoteric"?)

>> No.15543715

>>15543686
write 10 page backstory saying we're the daughter of god come to help <insert civilization here> in it's hour of need from 10 dragons... single handedly... at lvl 1...preferably half naked

>> No.15543718

>>15543686
Start writing my epic 30 page backstory that is really easy because it's just copypasting the same scenario where I'm really awesome over and over again while changing a few of the names/creatures

>> No.15543725

>>15543701
We should have done this before character creation, so we could prepare from the start.

>> No.15543726

Ring the other players and get their backstories.
Write your backstory so that every bad thing that happened to all of them was actually you and if anyone dies in the other backstories make sure you write a detailed rape scene of the corpse.

>> No.15543731

>>15543718
and constantly quote memes!

>> No.15543734

>>15543712
>masturbating with nacho-cheese-coated hands
And that's the good option; Matt Ward is truly a disgusting man.

>> No.15543735

Gather all my essential books. You know like Book of Erotic Fantasy, Oriental Adventures, 150 issues of Dragon, just the basics.

>> No.15543740

>>15543726
"It's what my character would do."

By the way, don't we get to choose alignment? It's Chaotic Evil of course.

>> No.15543743

>>15543740
Not chaotic neutral? It basically lets us do everything, but it doesnt ring all alarm bells with the local paladins.

>> No.15543744

>>15543734
Why don't we just go the full monty and masturbate ON the nachos before eating them, and then have one more fap for good measure?

>> No.15543746

>>15543702
D'rozzt was taken as a baby by wild Owlbears who raped her over and over even though she was only three. Then she was saved by a priestess of Lolth and taken to the Underdark because even though she was human she was the most beautiful child in the world and all the Drow warriors took turns raping her.

Eventually she tricked on of the warriors into teaching her secret katana skills with which she then slaughtered the entire Drow society because she is so incredibly talented. She cut all of their dicks off and made a necklace with them so she would remember all the times they raped her.

Then she returned to the surface world where she works as a prostitute when she isn't busy bisecting knights with simple vertical slashes of her +5 Katanas.

Also her father's soul in contained in a katana that she forged out of a meterorite and quenched in a pile of afterbirth left over from when she gave birth to her first child who was half-demon half-drow half-dragon. She strangled the child with a bit of rope after raping it almost to death with the hilt of her katana.

>> No.15543749

>>15543686
>you carefully examine it for a few minutes and then have to print it out again.

I lol'd

>> No.15543754

Think of a number of situations during the game sessions in which I can shout out "THE CAKE IS A LIE LOLOLOLOLOL"

>> No.15543757

>>15543746
>motherofgod.jpg

>> No.15543758
File: 38 KB, 504x360, thatguy2.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543758

You quickly masturbate and eat nachos and go to work on your characters backstory.

Your character was the daughter of the King and the Tsundere Goddess Wee Jas. She was desired and taken advantage of many times in her youth by a variety of beings, races, genders, and ages. She has now become a cold hearted killer with a tendency to seduce in order to get a good time out of a kill.

As you wrap it up, you realize you have no ride to the game!
You open your phone. The other two players have cars, but it is a little late...
Your mother is upstairs watching TV and might drive you.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

>> No.15543765

>>15543740
Right. CN it is then.
>>15543746
YES.

>> No.15543767

>>15543712
>Not doing both things at the same time then cumming on the nachos, eating part and leaving the rest for the guys
Use some of that white hot cheese to dissimulate.

>> No.15543769

put a saddle on the dog and ride it the whole way

>> No.15543770

>>15543749
>>15543744
The upsetting thing is, these have in all probability happened in real life at least once.
Perhaps even simultaneously.
Eugh.

>> No.15543771
File: 6 KB, 73x73, erik-theodore-cartman-3_bigger.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543771

>>15543758
MOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!!

>> No.15543774

>>15543758
steal the keys, or say we're going to the "grocery store". she's dumb enough to believe it! say that last part out loud

>> No.15543782

>>15543758
Keep your pride and walk there, even if it means showing up an hour and a half late covered in sweat.

>> No.15543793

>>15543758
Call friends. You can use the ride over to ask about their characters and then formulate appropriate backstory/victory rape scenes. Maybe even items or abilities specifically designed to fuck them over.

>> No.15543800

>>15543793
Sorry, not friends.
Other players. Can't jump to conclusions, here.

>> No.15543801

>>15543758
call the other players and beg furiously for a ride, remembering to bring up that one thing you did for them once you already cashed in on like 10 times already

>> No.15543803

>>15543782
When the other players complain about me holding up the game, blame them for not picking me up.

>> No.15543809

>>15543803
>>15543782
Also whine if they start without me.

>> No.15543813

You creep upstairs and find the keys lying on the kitchen counter. Taking them and opening the door, your mother calls out.

"Where are you going, dear?"
"I've gotta run to the grocery..."
"Oh, what for?"

LIE, MAN, LIE.

>> No.15543825

>>15543813
nachos, I ate them all, back in 5 hours

>> No.15543826

>>15543813
"It's a suprise."
>it's really some leftover nachos from before.

>> No.15543828

>>15543813
"Uh... We're out of cum- I mean, nachos!"

>> No.15543830

>>15543813
Too play a game of pretend- oh snap

>> No.15543831

>>15543813
Deoderant!

Wait no we've never used that, she'll suspect us. Uuuuuuh, Nacho chips!

>> No.15543837

>>15543813
shaving cream and razors

you're trying to clean up your image, gotta shave that neckbeard

>> No.15543840

>This quest
Stop it /tg/! STOP IT, IT HURTS US....

>> No.15543843

>>15543813
CONDOMS! because we are also very successful with the ladies!(and the 500 pack expired).

>> No.15543847

necrophilic bestial hermaphroditic pedophilia

>> No.15543857

"Nachos!" you exclaim, hoping she'll buy it.
"I just bought some yesterday! Matt, I need the car in an hour, I'm going to play bridge with Eugena."

Foiled again. But you'd never waste your money on a car, you have more important things like 40k paints to buy!

You get out your phone and look at the 10 numbers there.
You may call John or Steve.

>> No.15543861

>>15543847
And the first one of us snapped. How long until we are all reduced to rambling madmen for pushing too far into That Guy's psyche?

>> No.15543869

>>15543857
Let's call Steve, John sounds like a dick.

>> No.15543871

>>15543857
Call both of them. If both agree, the first one to get here will be lucky one.

>> No.15543872

>>15543843
That's bullshit and matt ward's mother knows this - he's far too dedicated to his stories to do something so wasteful as fornicate with females.

>> No.15543874

>>15543857

>>15543782
>>15543782
>>15543782

>> No.15543876
File: 25 KB, 256x520, i-lold.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15543876

>>15543857
>10 numbers

>> No.15543883

>>15543871
This.
Dick move, ahoy.

>> No.15543893

>>15543857
Call wichever hates your guts the most. Them use their guilt to make them come to get you by saying that you will delay the game if you are late and they know how much first sessions take to start, you made your sheet before hand anyway, and they own you because _________(insert random fact that doesnt really mean they own you a ride).

>> No.15543902

>>15543861
Each time I push F5, I roll for a psychic check.
Uncharacteristically for me, I'm passing everything by bloody miles.

>> No.15543903

After John sighs and agrees to pick you up, you scroll down past Ne-chan and find Steve.
Steve claims to already be at the Frank's house, though you think you can hear the whistling of the breeze coming in through his car window.

No matter, you wait patiently for John to arrive.
YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES.

>> No.15543905

>>15543871
>>15543871
Yes.

>> No.15543911

>>15543903
Beat one off.

>> No.15543913

>>15543903
Call nee-chan and try to get her to join.

>> No.15543914

>>15543903
Fap again and come in my underwear.

>> No.15543915

>>15543903
Masturbate again just to shake Jhon's hand with cocksmell in your hand

>> No.15543924

>>15543903
Jack off one last time to the character sheet

>> No.15543928

>>15543911
>>15543914
>>15543915
>>15543924
Jack-o-mind

>> No.15543929

Change your shirt to one emblazoned with
"I'M ONLY HERE BECAUSE THE SERVER MY WAIFU IS HOSTED ON IS DOWN
GAYMERLIFE4EVER"
with Garrus from Mass Effect half opaque in the background looking sadly into the moon.
Put on tiger face paint.

>> No.15543932

You retreat to your lair for a few moments.
You take the character sheet out and begin.
After a length of time you are now equipped with a very sticky character sheet and can hear a horn blowing outside.

You can't go in with a cum-covered character sheet!
WHAT DO.

>> No.15543936

>>15543903

Pack up my laptop, I'll need it to browse 4chan when it's not my turn

>> No.15543937

>>15543932
Wipe it on our sisters bedsheets, that'll work fine.

>> No.15543938

>>15543932
wipe sheet on shirt

>> No.15543939

>>15543911
>>15543914
>>15543915
Of the 5 responses within one minute of posting, 3 are calls to masturbate to, on, or in various things.
I love you guys.

>> No.15543941

>>15543932
You printed a second one, remember! grab it and go.

>> No.15543944

>>15543876
And five of them belong to girls in your class that you stalked on facebook.

>> No.15543948

>>15543903

Gotta' look good for the guys.

Scrape back your greasy hair into a pony tail and tie it in a way that you think looks like a samurai. Change T shirts, I think the cool one with the wolf is under the bed somewhere.

Put on your trilby. Bitches love triblys.

>> No.15543950

>>15543929
Mental note: If I ever win the lottery, start a /tg/ merch store/publishing group.

>> No.15543958

>>15543941
This IS the second one!

>>15543936
>>15543938
Compromise: Wipe sheet on laptop. Wipe it on the keys to get more of the stains off.

>> No.15543961

>>15543932

WIPE THE CUM INTO YOUR HAIR SO YOU CAN SLICK IT BACK INTO A PONY TAIL. THEN GRAB YOUR FUCKING TRILBY. YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT YOUR GODDAMN HAT.

>> No.15543965

wipe off cum with underwear I'm wearing

>> No.15543972

>>15543961
oh god one guy in our group dresses like this

>> No.15543976

masturbate AGAIN to make John wait longer

>> No.15543985

>>15543972
What, cum-slicked ponytail with trilby?
Sounds believable.

>> No.15543999

BUMPING FOR BITCHASS TRILLBY

>> No.15544012

You carefully wipe the sheet off and run to the awaiting car!

ENCOUNTER WITH JOHN.

"Hey man, hurry we gotta go!"
"Alright, sorry."
"Get your sheet done?"
"Yeah, You?"
"I had it done last week...," he sighs.
"Oh, yeah. Can i see it?"
"Yeah it's in the backseat"

You pick it up and take these notes mentally.

John is a male, fighter, and a half-orc.
He has 10 HP and 16 STR.
His character has a long sword and a buckler.

Nothing else makes his character sheet catch your eye. His character is rather boring, you note, and smile smugly to yourself.

Presently you arrive at the DM's house and enter.
As you enter into the living room where the game material is set up you notice a new person...
A female.
You hastily make your way to the bathroom, shaking visibly.
You stare into your own beady eyes in the mirror. Through your newly appearing sweat you see fear in your own eyes.

>> No.15544013

FAP AGAIN

>> No.15544026

>>15544012
Pull belt tighter to appear slim, hoping our nervous flatulence problems are magically gone.
Slick back hair with water.
Wash armpits and crotch in sink.

>> No.15544027

>>15544012
Well, we're the coolest one in this group, so this is no problem.
"Why hello there miss. Pleasure to meet you; I am Matt Ward. May I have the honor of knowing who you are?"

>> No.15544031

>>15544012
we flip our shit and run out of the bathroom saying that then she-witch is trying to destroy our group.

that or suggest she go to the kitchen and make us a sammich.

>> No.15544041

>>15544031
Do both!

>> No.15544047

>>15544012
Kneel before her, grab her hand to gently kiss it and then kind of lick her hand a bit too while you're there.

>> No.15544054

>>15544031
this

>> No.15544062

>>15544013
THIS.
Bitches get turned on by the smell of manly sweat and sperm.
Tonight we lose our virginity!

>> No.15544063

>>15544047
Be sure to give it a good coating of nacho-scented saliva.
Bitches love nacho-scented saliva.

>> No.15544065
File: 54 KB, 504x360, thatguy3.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15544065

"You can do this," you think, and proceed to groom yourself. Your face is now de-greased and your hair is nor slicker than it was before. Your armpits and neck are now void of sweat, and the towel on the rack is in disarray and pleading for it's life.

You approach the table and take a seat next to john, across from steve as the DM says "Hey, Matt, this is my new girlfriend, Trish."

>> No.15544066

>>15544012
Apply the nearest bottle of Bubble Bath as shampoo immediately, in a desperate attempt to make yourself look cleaner. All ladies know the hygiene's in the hair!

>> No.15544068

Throughout the whole game rub your feet against hers and wink. Always place your character behind hers and describe in great detail how mesmerizing her swaying booty is. Often lick your hand and use your saliva to slick your hair back. Every time your character attack make swinging and fighting motions while staring at her directly, usually with a smug grin. Always eat half a snack and offer her the rest. Whenever you go to the toilet ask her if she wants to join.

>> No.15544075

>>15544012

Start mumbling, telling a complicated joke involving multiple references to injokes only you and your group understand. Trail off mid-joke, segueing into a disturbing anecdote that ends with a misogynistic and vaguely racist punchline.

Stare at her chest the whole time.

>> No.15544076

>>15544065
"Nice to meet you, Trish. I hope you're not going to fuck up our game like all the other bitches do?"

>> No.15544077

>>15544012

Don't worry. You've dealt with these 'females' before. Either they're sluts or manipulative man-hating bitches. Prepare some lewd and/or sexist commentary that you can intersperse throughout the game. If they're type A, they're sure to get turned on and have sex with you. If they're type B, they'll get pissed off and never come back.

>> No.15544087

>>15544065
>DM's girlfriend
Bitch and whore. Ignore her. We'll show her waht a true gaming is

>> No.15544088

>>15544065
"Trish? Like that devil may cry chick? You know, the one with huge boobs that looks like your mother?"

>> No.15544090

>>15544065
Whatever happens to ruin the game and the evening, blame the DM for bringing the GF to the table.
Even if it's you, blame him.
Everyone knows you don't bring distractions to the table.

>> No.15544098

find a friendly discussion to turn into an argument

>> No.15544103

>>15544065
"TRISH? MORE LIKE TRASH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

>> No.15544106

This quest is incredibly hillarous and incredibly horrifying at the same time.

>> No.15544108

Also, question guys.
Are we That Guy and nothing more or absolute fat neckbeard emboding everything what's wrong with fat, angry nerds?

>> No.15544121

"Nice to meet you, Trish. I hope you're not going to fuck up our game like all the other bitches do?"

Frank stares, saying, "Ok, shut the hell up, it's not going to change anything, i'm not going to give her any advantages or anything. So stop it or you can leave."

You silence yourself, resorting to pondering how you are able to share oxygen with such stupid people.

Frank asks to see your character sheet before they start, sayign you are the only one whose sheet hasnt been looked at.

>> No.15544125

>>15544108
We're a That Guy, whose actions are dictated by schzophrenia.

>> No.15544128
File: 57 KB, 298x298, 1310400195592.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15544128

>>15544108
They are one and the same.

>> No.15544129

>>15544121
I spilled some sour cream on there earlier when I was having nachos, so watch out ok.

>> No.15544131

>>15544121
Smirk and hand it over, tell him how hard you worked on every single detail, of course he'll accept it, isn't he proud I did it before the session and he'll have to thank you for it later

>> No.15544140

>>15544121
and then the shit hit the fan

>> No.15544142

>>15544121
Hand that work of art over to them like the talentless fucks they all are.
Say that they are welcome to copy your character for their own use in future games.

>> No.15544150

Quickly erase the character's name and make it "Trish the Trash"

>> No.15544151

>>15544121

>Bitches love guys who treat them like shit right?


>Yeah, definitely that's how bitches work.


>Alright, I'll show her, I'll treat this bitch to the shittiest shit show ever, and before I know she'll be begging me to take her anal virginity, kukuku.

>> No.15544156

>>15544121
>i'm not going to give her any advantages or anything
I didn't imply that. Guilty conscience uh?

>> No.15544163

>>15544121
Ho boy, here we go!

Wait till he's done looking at our sheet

>> No.15544176

>>15544121
While the master reads our sheet, let's tell the others about our background, winking towards trish whenever rape is mentioned.

>> No.15544179

You hand over the sheet muttering about sour cum and wait for the praise to be bestowed upon you.

Frank stares intently for a while then looks at you, "Japanese Long Blades and Dual Wielding Swords are not even skills, and how in the world did you get so lucky as to have your stats that high? Why do you have 5 katanas, ten chickens, the deed to an orphanage, and orphan, AND a dildo pole? AND WHY IS SAMUS YOUR CHARACTER ART?"

>> No.15544183

>>15544163
It'll be a bit risky, I reckon. I mean, the radiant glory of our character sheet might overshadow everyone else's and spoil the game slightly.

>> No.15544191

>>15544179
Present backstory. Await delayed praise.

>> No.15544192

>>15544179
YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME YOU SHITTY RAILROADING CRAP DM

>> No.15544193

rolled 19, 16, 18 = 53

>>15544179
Scoff and tell the DM that the metroid seires stole the art for YOUR character, and that you are just taking it back

>> No.15544200

>>15544179
What Samus art? It's an original character. And what, I do not have the right to be lucky?

>> No.15544203

>>15544179
"No, no, you're right, even though I spent so long working on my character sheet we should spend a couple more hours fixing it up. You guys don't mind waiting another few hours, right?"

>> No.15544209

Tell backstory which will take 20 minutes

>> No.15544210

>>15544179
Angrily grab the girl's character sheet and start listing off random parts of it and acting as if they're even more ridiculous than anything we've got and tell him it's not even fair that she gets all that and then he only questions US.

Dumb slut.

>> No.15544211

>>15544179
I just rolled all of my D6s, you know, the ones I had from when we played Shadowrun? And grouped them into fours. I saved so much time that way.

>> No.15544213

>>15544179
It's okay, start the negotiation, we can give up a lot but we wont set for anything less than 18 cha, 5 katanas, pole-dildo and infinite orphans and chickens.

>> No.15544217

>>15544203
Low blow, man.
Low blow

>> No.15544218

>>15544179

"I used my lucky d6's that I had rolled all the ones out of, if you guys weren't such retards, you'd understand basic probability"

>> No.15544220

>>15544179
What? John has 16 str AND a buckler!

>> No.15544233

You note that we could easily change it and take a few hours, then you say that you demand that you can read others and change anything you find to be overpowered.

Frank sighs, contemplating his options for a moment and finally says, "Ok, fine, but if I say no to something that means no arguing with me! I'm going to keep it fair for everyone."

>> No.15544236

>>15544233
Smile smugly.
Fart silently.

>> No.15544243

>>15544233
Of course. We're always fair. Now make the DM start already and stop wasting time

>> No.15544245

Change everyone's race to dire rat.
Reroll stats with 3d4.

>> No.15544250

>>15544233
Just as the DM is about to start the game, ask if anyone wants to go get some mountain dew and cheetos from the local store.

>> No.15544264

>>15544233
Interrupt the DM as soon as he starts talking.
Attack and incapacitate Trish's character, then have our owlbear rape her.
"It's what my character would do."

>> No.15544271

Frank starts off by introducing your party as having all signed up for a quest that was advertised throughout the kingdom, asking to go and vanquish a small infestation of wolves from the countryside as they have been slaying and devouring numerous sheep.

The party starts out and is eventually taken to a crossroads, with no indication as to where to go.

>> No.15544273

I think we're edging from realm of "That Guy" to "Trolling dick"

>> No.15544275

>>15544236
I fucking lol'd.

>> No.15544276

>>15544250
And at the EXACT moment the DM opens his mouth. And then, derail everything by talking about the last movie we saw

>> No.15544284

>>15544271
"I find the nearest brothel and begin peddling my wares."

>> No.15544289

>>15544271
Say out loud to nobody in particular: "Wolves? That's so lame. What kind of pansy faggot gives a party a quest to fight wolves?"

>> No.15544291

>>15544271
Make railroading sounds while simultaneously asking which way to go.

>> No.15544292

>>15544271
Pull out the katana that contains our father's soul and ask him for clues.

>> No.15544296

>>15544271
Get back into town, roll CHA to know where wolves are, roll CHA again to get as many people as we can to follow us, put them in a straight line in general direction of wolves, then PEASANT RAILGUN

>> No.15544303

>>15544273
I agree. That guy is not trolling. He is actually trying to play a game at hes best. The problem is he lack the basic notions of good gaming and not being a prick. If you wait until the GM start narrating to talk about the movie, you are trolling. but if you really just remember that awesome movie scene that has totally everything to do with the campaign, you talk about it and quote the move endlessly.

>> No.15544306

>>15544271
Send the owlbear to get rid of the wolves.
Go find the nearest brothel or found one with the orphans as workers.

>> No.15544308

>>15544303
Railroading a that guy quest thread? that's meta.

>> No.15544309

>>15544303
>quote the move endlessly.

Gentlemen. We must pointlessly quote Monty Python to death. Right here, Right now.

>> No.15544310

Go into the kitchen to find snacks.

WE MUST ACQUIRE CHEETOS.

>> No.15544314

As you ask your soul-endowed katana where to go Frank rolls his eyes.
"I don't know," Frank says, imitating a fatherly tone.

>> No.15544315

>>15544309
You... YOU WOULDN'T!

>> No.15544323

>>15544271
Add to our sheet that the owlbear's erection can tell which way to go, then tell it to the party, then start masturbating the owlbear.

>> No.15544324

>>15544314
Curse out your father for being a useless parental figure and that his campaign sucks ass already.

>> No.15544326

>>15544314
Goddammit Frank that's not what my father would say!

>> No.15544328

>>15544314
Make a stink about not being allowed to roll for that.

>> No.15544330

>>15544315
ALL WOUNDS SHALL BE FLESH-WOUNDS. ALL OF THEM.

>> No.15544333

Put in giant headphones and listen to the Lion King soundtrack so loud everyone else can hear it while headbanging.
Say you want to roll charisma checks constantly to become friends with lurking spirits that may be there, just to check.

>> No.15544335

>>15544314
Ask that (coughhoebagcough) trish what she thinks the party should do.
Absolve self of blame in as many ways as possible by foisting choices on others.

>> No.15544337

>>15544330
YOU'RE A MONSTER.

>> No.15544340

>>15544314
Protest. You grandfather, god of winds, live on that Katana. He KNOWS the way. You know that because on his dying breath he said "I'll always know the awy, granddaughter." Them he died and there is no more god of the wind.

>> No.15544343

>>15544314
Say the party should split up.
Bitch and moan if they don't want to.
Roll CHA to get them to do what we want.
Bitch and moan if it doesn't work.

>> No.15544345

>>15544314
Attempt to craft a wolf-divining rod out of nearby sticks and leaves.

>> No.15544350

>>15544323
Augurs could tell the future from birds entrails, I can tell it from owlbear semen.
Come my pretty, come!

>> No.15544357

>>15544337
No I'm not!
IM JUST A WEE RABBIT. IGNORE THE BONES.

>> No.15544362

"That's not what my father would say!" you shout at Frank.
Then, turning to Trish, "Why don't you decide, oh great one."

Trish says "uhm, well, we could just try to the right? If thats not the way then we can come back?"

The rest of the party agrees with her, and you all go to the right.
Eventually you come to a small cottage and a vast area of rolling hills behind it.

>> No.15544365

>>15544362
Loot the cottage.

>> No.15544368

>>15544362
Knock on the cottage door.

>> No.15544373

>>15544362
Have owlbear rape Trish.

>> No.15544378

>>15544362
Enter the cottage.

If there are inhabitants, seduce them.

If it is empty, strip and lay sexily while waiting for them to return, then seduce them.

>> No.15544380

>>15544362
Send the owlbear to storm the cottage, forcely assume the role of party leader and bravely command the assault on the cottage. Jhon storm the windows, the owlbear will get the door and you and trish keep behind to kill ANYTHING that comes out running

>> No.15544381

>>15544362
Burn the cottage down.

Hey, we're chaotic neutral, it's in character.

>> No.15544390

>>15544362
Burn the cottage. We are CN, right?

>> No.15544391

Hey did the Monty Python ever made a sketch with a living void armour?

>> No.15544394

>>15544362
kill all the cottage dwellers. say they were clearly demons. then rape the corpses.

>> No.15544396

Knock down cottage door cause that's what my character would do. Take a shit in the cottage entrance cause that's what my character would do. Kill then rape all inhabitants of cottage because that's what my character would do. Shit on all bodies cause that's what my character would do. Burn down cottage CAUSE THATS WHAT TEH FUCK MY CHARACTER WOULD DO

>> No.15544397

>>15544390
>>15544381

>> No.15544401

You tell the party you're storming the cottage.
"This is the new normandy!" you exclaim, and give them a battle plan.
The party stares at you and John says, "I knock on the door."

Frank replies, "Soon an old man comes to greet you at the door and explains how his sheep are used for wool to clothe the king and his court, and that wolves are attacking them and need to be dealt with."

>> No.15544405

>>15544362

Our character was (probably) raped in a cottage and therefore doesn't trust them. Burn it to the ground and rape any corpses left behind. We're EDGY and we have unresolved issues!

WE ARE THE BEST ROLEPLAYER EVER

>> No.15544407

>>15544401
"TELL US WHERE THESE WOLVES ARE, OR WE WILL HORRIBLY DISMEMBER YOU!"

>> No.15544413

>>15544407
After he tells us, horribly dismember him.

>> No.15544414

>>15544401
Seduce him to get the information.

>> No.15544415

>>15544401
Attempt to seduce the old man and force him to come with us.

Extra bodies are always helpful in battle.

>> No.15544420

>>15544401

Our character was traumatized and raped by wolves but since women all want to be fucked she began to like it. We must fuck wolves. For the sake of good roleplaying.

Also we need to teach TRASH where her place is, the game-ruining bitch.

>> No.15544421

>>15544401
Tell Frank we're rolling detect evil on the people inside the cottage.

>> No.15544432

Eat all the sheep.
It's what the character would do.

>> No.15544433

>>15544401

Wait a moment, i think we need to know more about the party. Are there paladins around I need to be wary of? Is Trish's character a chick? I might be able to hit on it.

>> No.15544437

>>15544401
This quest is stupid, the king would never dress in wool and the king's private wool-sheep would be better guarded anyway.
What kind of king sends a bunch of level 1 adventurers to guard his sheep against wolf, does he expect us to eradicate the whole wolf population of the hills?
Is he crazy?
Just build a nice tall strong fence and hire a guard or two christ dammit get us a real quest you idiot.

>> No.15544438

After rolling detect evil and not finding anything, attempting to seduce the man to little effect, (Frank says he is old and does not care for such lusts of the flesh anymore), you announce your intent to dismember the old man, as you were once raped by an old man in a cottage.

Trish says, "Why would you do that? My character attempts to prevent it, I'll attack him if his character goes for the man."

>> No.15544441

"I heroically strive into the cottage, drop my pants and panties, and take a shit on the floor."

*Laugh at the funny doo-doo joke we just made. Then justify it by saying:*

"It's a sign of respect to a person's home in my culture. It means we wish fertile relationships to grow. Because, you know, some people use shit to fertilize their crops."

>> No.15544445

>>15544438
NECKBEARD RAAAAGE

>> No.15544448

>>15544432
eat one of the sheep

then thank the rest for their sacrifice

>> No.15544449

>>15544438

OUR CHARACTER HAS FIVE KATANAS AND WINS AT EVERYTHING FOREVER
COME AT ME BRO

>> No.15544453

>>15544438
What the fuck, that game-ruining bitch!

Roll to grapple her character. It's rape time.

>> No.15544456

>>15544438
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT TRISH

ROLL FOR INITIATIVE

>> No.15544457

>>15544438
Kill Trish's character with our five katanas. Have the owlbear rape her corpse while also dismembering the old man.

>> No.15544461

>>15544453
this

>> No.15544465

>>15544438

What? That bitch! Accuse her of causing inter-party strife.

>> No.15544466

>>15544438
Further proof that Trish, and females by extension, have no ability to understand proper roleplay and will ultimately ruin games. Why does Frank always do this? The shit we put up with, I'm telling you.

>> No.15544468

>>15544441
Strap the orphan(s) to our body.

You can't attack us if you without killing innocent children!
cackle cackle

>> No.15544474

>>15544453
Do this while finding some goddamn cheetos.

>> No.15544476

>>15544465
>intra-party strife

FTFY

>> No.15544477

Before the session ends, we have to actually attack trish for completely ruining our game forever.

Bonus points if we can cop a feel while doing it; nobody will care if she screams rape since she's so obviously the worst person in the group.

>> No.15544478

You accuse trish of trying to cause inter-party strife, and then when arguing with her, strap the orphan to yourself and roll for initiative.

Trish, Frank, Steve and John all stare at you.

>> No.15544480

>>15544478
Stare back!

>> No.15544482

>>15544478
"Why are you looking at me funny?"
Fudge dice to roll a 18+, then use our glorious outsider wings to ascend into the skys and urinate on the walking peasants.

>> No.15544484

>>15544478
Look at them... All jealous of our awesome rolelplaying skills. They're in awe. Let's show them what a real battle-rapist can do.

>> No.15544485

>>15544476

Fuck. Thanks, my bad.

>> No.15544488

>>15544480
And then hungrily lick your lips.

>> No.15544492

>>15544478
Stare them down. They need to learn that we're the ALPHA here.

>> No.15544496

>>15544478
They're obviously stunned at our brilliant planning. Now, rape.

>> No.15544499

>>15544480
Rub my greasy face making my jowls wobble, while trying to look intimidating.

>> No.15544500

>>15544478
I look at the initiative die I just rolled. If it's low, I immediately pick it back up and declare it was either cocked or just a practice roll, and I roll again until I get a good score on the die.

Then I shout: "TRISH ROLL INITIATIVE DAMN IT!"

>> No.15544501

>>15544478

Having a human shield is a good act because it ensures that neither of us are harmed! It's like symbiosis!
If anything we should get an XP bonus for properly roleplaying an adventurer who has an orphan ward.

>> No.15544508

You stare back, licking your lips at trish and proceed to roll an 18, with a +10 circumstantial bonus since we're charging them.
Frank sighs and lets everyone roll initiative.
The order is thus:
Matt Ward,
The Old Man
Trish
Steve
John

>> No.15544511

Stare back smugly.
Fart a little.
Shuffle your character sheets.
Lick your hand and slick your hair back.
Rolling for initiative.

>> No.15544514

>>15544508
Start flying. Urinate.

>> No.15544516

>>15544478
Rolling for initiative against the OLD MAN, of course! What, I'm not a team-killing fucktard like SOME people!

Oh, if he attacks the orphan I'm wearing clearly he's evil so it's ok to kill him.

>> No.15544518

>>15544508
>>15544514
Alternatively, start flying and drop orphans on them.

>> No.15544520

>>15544508
Attack trish with our 5 katanas, Owl Bear, and basically go all-out on her in this first strike throwing every single offensive thing I can (and even breaking the rules to attack with things I can't) at her in the first round.

>> No.15544521

>>15544508
DON'T FORGET MY OWLBEAR GETS A TURN TOO GEEZ

>> No.15544522

>>15544508
Roll to grapple Trish. We will rape her into submission.

>> No.15544526

>>15544508
Are all the others playing guys? SEDUCE THEM.

>> No.15544528

>>15544508

Attack trish's character and then use a feat that we totally have on our character sheet you don't have to look just trust me to immediately dismember the old man.

>> No.15544529

>>15544508
Be the bigger man. Offer to bury the hatchet if Trish will just apologise for what she's done.

>> No.15544531

Grapple then pin trish.
Rape.

>> No.15544532

>>15544508
Attack Trish while the owlbear attack steve; as a free action, wink at John for a seduction check to see if we can get him on our side.

>> No.15544536

>>15544516

Be sure to glance at Trish when you say 'SOME people,' otherwise they might not know who you're talking about.

>> No.15544544

You jump from your owlbear and fly into the sky and urinate on trish as you fly over her to attack the old man behind her. You tell your owlbear to attack trish as well, and then you cleave down upon the old man and instantly kill him.

Before the owl-bear can attack, Trish says "Why would you do that! Frank said he wasn't evil when you did detect magic!"

You scream, "Your character doesnt know that! Start roleplaying and stop metagaming you bitch! for all you know he was evil!"

She calms down and says "I take a free action to ask why he did that..."

>> No.15544550

Ok first we fly away (now) (get distracted, describe this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tD2qDkzmcUA while miming and humming)
After our character is all beautiful and flying proceed to poke Trish in the eyes with the pole-dildo after having used geomancy to make the earth rise and block the feet of everyone not airborn.

That includes the wolves, we already killed them by earth suffocation.

Go to the king to get our reward after squirting all over this faggot party.

>> No.15544553

>>15544544

My character suffers from rape trauma! I'm just doing what she would do!

>> No.15544554

>>15544544
I argue with the DM that Trish just standing there and talking provokes an Attack of Opportunity, and I use it to attack her!

>> No.15544557

>>15544544
My character was raped several times as a child, OK? That kind of thing can affect your emotions.

It's a little thing called ROLEPLAYING. Perhaps you've heard of it, TRASH?

>> No.15544565

>>15544550
>While miming and humming
>Panty and Stocking theme
Yes. THIS.

OFF KEY AT THAT.

>> No.15544566

"My character suffers from rape trauma! I'm just doing what she would do! also, her talking provokes an attack of opportunity, and I take it and use my fathers soul sword to crush her!"
"No, that does not provoke an AOO..."
"Yes, it does!"

You carefully roll the dice and snatch them up, having rolled a critical.

>> No.15544573

>>15544566
YES!
I stand up and do a little dance.

>> No.15544592

>>15544566
Having killed her, Trish's character's soul is absorbed by the sword too and is permanently trapped in the sword with our father.

>> No.15544596

>>15544592
Where he begins to rape her.

>> No.15544605

>>15544596
It's what his character would do.

>> No.15544608

You proclaim "She's dead!" while doing a small dance and then explaining how she must continue playing that character who is forever entrapped in our sword.

Frank simply says "No," while holding his head in his hands.

>> No.15544617

>>15544608
I KNEW IT

FAVOURITISM JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING THAT SLUT

>> No.15544619

>>15544608
Say CHOO-CHOO and make chugga-lugga train noises softly.

>> No.15544622

>>15544608
Accuse him of giving his girlfriend special treatment.

THIS IS WHY GIRLS SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO PLAY.

>> No.15544627

>>15544596

Describe in great detail our father's holy member penetrating Trish's character.

Accidentally use Trish's name once instead of her character's name.

While doing this, subtly reach into our pocket. It will prove our superiority if we can jerk it while she's in front of us without anyone even noticing!

>> No.15544628

>>15544608
"GOD DAMN IT FRANK!!! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO FUCK WITH MY ROLEPLAYING?! THIS IS A BULLSHIT CAMPAIGN AND YOU'RE A SHIT DM FOR RAILROADING US LIKE THIS!!!"

"Oh and I loot the old man's corpse."

>> No.15544629

>>15544617
NECKBEARD RAGE-

We flip the table and storm off.

>> No.15544634

>>15544605
If we had a dad, we would totally get him to play our sword.

>> No.15544637

>>15544608
WHY ARE YOU PLAYING FAVORITES? HAVE TRISH ROLL A NEW CHARACTER GODDAMN!
Take the time to have sex with the owlbear.

>> No.15544640
File: 45 KB, 220x300, 1302967413029677large.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15544640

Found Trash's Character portrait.

>> No.15544645

>>15544608

OH GEE WHAT A SURPRISE

Hey, if I sucked your cock too would MY character be invincible?! HM?! Trish is a bitch and a whore who is manipulating you to ruin our game, and the sooner you realize that the sooner everything can be back to normal and we can have fun again!

>> No.15544650
File: 28 KB, 847x725, That character.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
15544650

Get distracted and start doodling our character

Then show them.

It has the katanas on the back, the niggerboy on the front.

(The ten foot dildo is hidden in our vagina as a secret weapon, we made our calculations and it should be able to fit easily)

That on the bottom is earth being geomanced, not shit you silly guys.

>> No.15544651

>>15544608
Alright, we're all grown men here and we can sort this out.
Let's negotiate.
Trish is dead, but dice are dice. If we ignore the dice, might as well be playing freeform.
Having her roll a new character would be time-consuming and boring, so here's my proposal: she can play my owlbear for the rest of the session.

>> No.15544652

I'm still trying to figure out what the goal of this quest is.

If it's to get thrown out of the game as quickly as possible, I'd say we're succeeding.

>> No.15544662

>>15544650
Of course they don't know about the pole-dildo since they still think we are a boy pretending to be a girl.
Or do they, I forgot.

>> No.15544663

>>15544645
Actually yes. Offer to suck Franks cock.

>> No.15544666

>>15544650
We have 18 CHA and several ranks in prostitute I think our character's tits should be larger than that.

>> No.15544673

>>15544652

Yeah, we should be more subtle. We need to have Matt stay in the group as long as possible, so he can cause maximum rage.

>> No.15544680

"GOD DAMN IT FRANK!!! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO FUCK WITH MY ROLEPLAYING?! THIS IS A BULLSHIT CAMPAIGN AND YOU'RE A SHIT DM FOR RAILROADING US LIKE THIS!!!"

"Oh and I loot the old man's corpse."

"No, Matt. No. We tried to put up with you, but it's over, I can't do it. We're done here, we're stopping the game and you're leaving, now."

>> No.15544684

>>15544673
Matt may need to cry and then apologize.

>> No.15544688

>>15544673
Actually, yeah. We should try to be a little bit more subtle but our ultimate goal is to kill every single member of the party and take their stuff. We just got to figure out how to take them out one-by-one without getting kicked out of the game.

Oh and, of course, do goody shit for the LULZ, both IC and OOC.

>> No.15544690

>>15544680
start crying, pee my pants a little.

>> No.15544691

>>15544680
We cross our arms and plant our feet to show we're not moving.

>> No.15544695

>>15544680
Lift trash up with your rage-strength and walk out.

>> No.15544699

Lean across the table and attempt to slap Trish in the face while screaming that this is all her fault!

>> No.15544705

>>15544680
Alright, but before we leave, quickly grab as many character sheets as we can and rip them up.

>> No.15544711

>>15544680

You can't throw us out, because our house is the only place that's always available for playing!

Or something like that. Use some reason why they can't throw us out.

>> No.15544714

>>15544680
"But I need a ride to go home."

>> No.15544720

>>15544699
This. Slap her as hard as we can. It'll feel like a light tap.

>> No.15544721

"Fine, then I'll GM. Trish, your character has died, but now that I'm GM you can play my character, you should be good at it. Frank, you can be the pussywhipped owlbear."

You begin describing the scene in horrifyingly visceral detail while everyone looks on in disbelief. Where will you send your adventurers?

>> No.15544727

>>15544680
"See, a GOOD DM wouldn't just stop the game like this. A GOOD DM would let us do as we say, and make up consequences for all our actions. Frank, face it: You're not a very good DM. But that's okay, Frank, I'm willing to tolerate that because I want to see you get better. Now the first step, Frank, is to continue the scene."

"How much damage did Trish take? And how much loot did I find on the old man?"

>> No.15544732

You clumsily try to swat at trish across the table, yelling "TRASH WHORE DID THIS TO US WE USED TO BE FRIENDS BUT NOW SHES FUCKING YOU RAAAAARGGHHH"
she backs away with fear in her eyes and stares.
You rip your character sheet to shreds grab john's a steve's crumpling johns fighter into a ball and shoving it in your mouth. Steve's ranger is then shoved into your pants.

You stand up defiantly and don't move, hoping they will see the error of their ways and let you stay.

>> No.15544735

>>15544680
THe problem here is this game is that usally that guy has a reason not to be kicked out of the game, wich can range from emotional attachment to the other gamers because he is really a nice guy when no playing (possible), or he saved the life of the DM in the past (IRL) and so he can't just kick him out. If we ignore this factor, the logical response of any reasonable group afer we kill a old man for no reason and cummed on the sheet would be kick us/Matt off.

With that logic in mind, Matt's remember the DM of wichever the reason it is that he cannot be expelled from the table

>> No.15544748

>>15544721
Adventures? It's time to create DMPC and then narrate how awesome and badass they are while completely ignoring the party.

>> No.15544750

>>15544732
Chew slowly.
Fart loudly.

>> No.15544756

>>15544735
Our mothers are friends and Frank's mother will be pissed if he abandons us.

>> No.15544762

(If the new Matt Ward, the one with adventures and whatnot would like t take over that's fine, I have to leave in a bit.)

>> No.15544765

>>15544735
Frank's dad works for Matt's dad and if he kicks Matt out of the game then something unfortunate might happen to Frank's dad...

>> No.15544769

>>15544732
>>15544721
Somebody being THAT GUY in a THAT GUY QUEST thread. Incredibly meta.

>> No.15544770

>>15544765
>Implying we have a dad

>> No.15544797

We want to continue playing.

[a] Plead to let us keep playing, because they are our only friends, even offer sexual favours
Mutiny and become the new DM, start the cavern of tits quest
[c] Ruin everything forever by eating the sheets
[d]Genuflect

>> No.15544803

>>15544762
Wrap it up and the other guy can start a new thread.

>> No.15544810

>>15544762

Thread is on autosage anyway; I think this is a good place to call it quits.

>> No.15544819

>>15544810
Ah, :(
Well, hope you all enjoyed it. Let's assume that he's kicked out and has to find another group. There would be a good place to pick up, if anyone would want to.

>> No.15544834

>>15544819

I salute you, OP...this thread made my day.

>> No.15544837

>>15544735
Our father is the head of the Uni he goes to.

>> No.15544840

>>15544819
Funniest thread I've read in a long time. Great job OP! Wish you went with "owlbear erection will show us the way!"

>> No.15544863

>>15544840
>>15544834
Any other type of quest you'd like to see like this?
I was thinking a white knight one maybe?
I did a weeaboo one a while back,b ut got too busy to do a followup.

>> No.15544876

>>15544863
A GAMUR GURRLZ one.

>> No.15544878

>>15544863
I dunno, mary sue quest?

>> No.15544882

>>15544863
LARP Quest

>> No.15544883

>>15544834
seconded

>> No.15544893

>>15544876
Easy to do, will put on my list.
>>15544878
suggestions as to how?
>>15544882
haha oh god...

>> No.15544918

>>15544893
TRISH QUEST
Matt is the GM. Nightmare mode.

>> No.15544935

>>15544918

We play as Trish?

Oh wow. Let's do it!

>> No.15544962

>>15544935
Someone do it, and link here, I'd love to see it.

>> No.15545686

>>15544962
>>15545574

>>
Name (leave empty)
Comment (leave empty)
Name
E-mail
Subject
Comment
Password [?]Password used for file deletion.
Captcha
Action