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13998864 No.13998864 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

>Playing D&D 4th Ed.

>Searching a library formerly occupied by evil cultists.

>Fellow player finds a book. Evil tome, obviously plot important.

>DM shuffles through his DM folder, pulls out sheaf of torn up printer paper.

>Hands it to said player.

>Player looks at paper, looks up at DM.

>"Are you serious?"

>Look over.

>Ream of poorly torn paper is titled "THE NECRONOMICON."

>MFW

>> No.13998887
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13998887

>> No.13998888
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13998888

>Hear about some crazy omniscient Witch at campaign start.

>We level from 1 to 16, all the while hearing about how awesome she is

>go to Underdark, fight some Drow

>Find her there picking mushrooms in the mud and filth

>It was Babi Yaga

>mDM'Sfw

>> No.13999024

>>13998888
i hope you stole her cut and used to it travel the world nearly instantaneously

>> No.13999162
File: 47 KB, 200x196, 1267963817571.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
13999162

>get given mystical aritfactey sword of super sharpiness
>try to sheathe it
>cuts through sheath
>hmm
>have to hold sword forever
>first fight I get to use it
>opponent disarms me even though there's not been a single opponent try to disarm anyone ever in the campaign before
>sword lands pointy end down
>sword gone

what the fuck DM. Why'd you even give it to me?

>> No.13999186

>>13999162
>what the fuck DM. Why'd you even give it to me?
...because he's making fun of you?

Wrap a chain around that sucker. You know, if you ever find it again.

>> No.13999190

>>13999162
Couldn't you have incased the end in molten hot lead, so it would cool and form a big sheath on that end?

Then, you can use the sword for chopping, and not have to worry about it cutting though things away from you.

>> No.13999203

>>13999186
>>13999190
Oooh, good idea, I like that one better. Can you say... SWORD CHUCKS?

>> No.13999216

>>13999162

Your dm is a dick.

>> No.13999221

>>13999162
The hilt shoulda stopped it from sinking any further, its not like the hilt is INFINITE CUTTAN as well. DMfail.

>> No.13999232

4E D&D sucks.

>> No.13999244

>>13999162
Do what they did with the Subtle Knife in His Dark Materials, if anyone's read it.

Have a loose leather sheath too big for the blade, and have a couple of loopies that attach to the ends of the hilt and keep the blade from touching any part of the sheath.

Ta daaaa.

>> No.13999252

>>13999162

wait, wait. If the sword ability to cut thru anything is always active (as demonstrated by the fact that it cut thru the sheat), how can anyone disarm you? If any weapon ever hit the sword, shouldn't the weapon get cut too?

Also, if the WHOLE SWORD cuts anything (as shown with "falls point down, CUTS THRU EARTH"), how could you possibly wield it without cutting your own hands off?

>> No.13999262
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13999262

>>13999232
You, sir, are the laziest troll. As a fellow lazy bastard, I salute you.

>> No.13999268

>>13999252

Most disarms involve the flat of the blade, not the edge.

But yeah, DM was just being a dick.

>> No.13999299

>>13999252
Thus the DM fail.

>> No.13999307

>>13999203
I like the way you think. Would that be a dire flail or a two-bladed sword though?

>> No.13999341

>>13999268
Unless that word had a huge blade, it should have just gone into the ground to the hilt

>> No.13999347

>>13999262
No way, it could be even more hilariously lazy. Like going into a thread without even seeing if it was about D&D and posting that 4E sucks. The lack of heart or effort in it is my favorite part. Like it is his duty to troll, but he doesn't feel any love for the craft. Either way, funny.

>>13999307
And no matter which it is, it is gonna require exotic weapon feat.

>> No.13999392

>end of DH campaign
>our inquisitors old team went renegade and got a lot of chaos friends
>we are trying to stop them from overcharging the hives main generator, thus making it all go BOOM
> all-out chargan through their fallen IG guards, get to the main generator room
>I manage to run their leader through with my naval saber as he was about push the boom button.
>he just laughs and pushes the saber deeper into him.
>i ask why he's laughing, he just turns on a small vox tranciever.
>we can all hear what sounds like someone going through weapons checks and then a earbursting, bloodcurdling scream of heretical litanies.
> suddenly all the hives' airraid sirens starts going off like crazy and the AA guns open up.
It turns out that the renegade team was just a diversion for a warband of Chaos marines, and now their strike cruiser hangs above the hive spitting out chaos droppods full of chaos marines ready to rip and tear their way through the hive.

>> No.13999420

>>13999392
That's not too bad as long as you dont have to fight any of the marines.

>> No.13999468
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13999468

Playing D&D these days something funny happened, I was a CN human fighter with a freedom complex.

>DM says we are surrounded by men of the lord (BBLG)
>Apparently we trespassed his domain
>Everyone is out of juice
>They are peaceful and reasonable and tell us to surrender
>Everyone does except me
>After half an hour of Rage and screaming the DM brings down the hammer
>They attack
>By luck, skill and sttubborness, one by one I bring them down
>I march to the Lord's castle
>Leave the beaten soldiers at the gate and go inside, walking on my 4 HP left

Outcome:
>Get hired as general
>Tell OTHER guards what to do
>Irony
>Got rich
>Became vassal of the Lord

>> No.13999494

>>13999468

>implying a badass warrior will make a good general based on that alone

That kind of leadership will probably work itself out, right?

>> No.13999500

>DMing nWoD.
>Players are following an evil being currently appearing as a Clown.
>"The shed that was described to you is ahead along the path. The door hangs open, and surreal light oozes from within.
>"I kick the door open, let's go apeshit on this guy!"
>"You kick open the already open door. It rebounds off the wall and slams shut."
>The sounds of the pursuing Jabberwock are suddenly audible.
>The Jabberwock was supposed to wait outside until later, as it's scared of the Clown.
>Completely unintended encounter.

It works both ways.

>> No.13999509
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13999509

>playing mutants and masterminds
>have superspeed
>suddenly eveyone has telekinesis and floats me in the air
>every
>single
>encounter.
>buy immunity psychic powers as soon as I have the EXP to
>"no it still works anyway"
>my face

Same guy as the sword story here by the way. I have a ton of these.

>> No.13999518

>>13999509

Your DM is just trolling you because he doesn't like you.

>> No.13999528

>>13999420
yeah we kinda had to fight our way to our shuttle through a throng of Hakanor's Reavers Chaos Marines

>> No.13999543

>>13999509
Slap him.

>> No.13999544

>>13999392
That's not 'LOLWAT'. That's 'TIME FOR SOME EXTERMINATUS'.

>> No.13999545

Some of you people have horrible GMs, seriously. That sucks.

>> No.13999555

>>13999494
I was neither badass nor a 'Warrior". My class was fighter, but I was very normal on my build and my Int was 17, lowest to the group's wizard alone.

It's not that I'm not a good leader, it's just my waifu (ingame, not real life) do most of the job. She's the group's rogue and loves gold, taxes and gold and to deal with the people and gold.

I'm just the figurehead.

>> No.13999597

>>13999545
It's funny on it's on. I mean, if it wasn't for them, would we be able to laugh our asses off like this?

>> No.13999599

>>13999509
Well... RUN circles!
MAKE LOCALIZED TORNADOES.

>> No.13999600
File: 56 KB, 600x522, How About I Slap Your Shit - Slap More Shit.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
13999600

>>13999509
The dude's an asshole who thinks he's funny.

Slap. His. Shit.

>> No.13999605

>>13999509
MOAR STORIES

I HUNGER FOR MORE

>> No.13999623

>>13999244
Holy shit, someone else who read His Dark Materials?
I kind of thought those books had been forgotten about since even when I read them they were collecting dust in my school's library.

>> No.13999652

>>13999555

>mfw dubs trips

There's no way for the leader to have known any of that though. I'm not blaming you, I'm saying he's retarded for thinking "hey, that guy just fought through my men, that clearly makes him qualified to lead them on a mass scale."

>> No.13999677

>>13999652
better than nepotism. There are so many shitty reasons people were put in power, it's pretty easy to dismiss flawed ones.

>> No.13999683

>Party visits the City Necropolis to get a friend buried.

>The necropolis has a small village next to it for the workers

>During our stay there, an ancient seal broken, yaddah yaddah ghostpocalypse if we don't do something

>head to spooky lab/mausoleum in giant skull shaped hill

>fight ancient evil dread wraith

>fix the seal

>head back to town and start chewing out the mayor for having such shitty security on such an important thing

>suggest we deserve some kind of compensation

>Mayor decided "FINE! If you think you can do better!"

>Gives us the deed to the skull hill mausoleum thing

>my character turns to his buddy and we both get big dumb grins

>WE OWN A LAIR!!!

>immediately begin spending all our gold on traps and expansions

>start worrying about how to protect our lair from pesky adventurers

>> No.13999701

>>13999652
You are not thinking SHOGUN right now.
I went to a ball with the guy, me and my team. We advised him, he tested me in skill and mettle, as well as the others, and settled to contract us.
He also extended a bonus for me to lead his army in battle against the other fiefdom, and if I won I would lead his army. The other liege lord was a joke, I pitied the guy and we made a worthy alliance before I slapped his shit.
The Lord was surprised and liked my guts, he made me general, the wizard became his advisor (from times to times, the guy is incospicous et extremus, I tell you), ma rogue waifu became lady of the house and the cleric began to conver the masses to his god (what was kinda weird)

All in all, I have one thing to say:
Hey! If it worked, go with it dood.

>> No.13999706
File: 4 KB, 213x192, 128263446598.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
13999706

>>13999509
>>13999162

This guy here. Yeah this guy was the first DM I had, so I didn't know any better. His idea of a challenge was ALWAYS "Impossible odds" not "really hard" but actually impossible. So after being thrown in the air and kept there for the umpteenth time I buy lightning powers.

>*fighting takes place in a conviniently abandoned construction yard*
> "Ok I fire a lightning bolt at the guy who's levitating me"
> "How do you know who it is?"
>"as part of my powers I took a detect psychics power so I know"
>"doesn't work. You have no idea who it is"
>"ok I shoot at whoever's standing still"
>"ok. Roll for attack"
>*roll high* "yes!"
>"you shoot your teammate"

>mine and my teammate's faces

>> No.13999721

fag

>> No.13999741
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13999741

After constant fighting against Jade Falcon, we leave the military with all our mechs/dropship/jumpship/etc. and about 50K money each to become a merc unit.

After a number of weeks in space, we end up on a desert planet (Dustball, was it?).

GM tells us all the money was spent 'on the upkeep of everything', despite the ship's owner/captain owing effectively LIFE DEBT TO US. And the 5 Elemental Suits we'd captured are taken by the regular Military, for 'research'. We get no pay for those suits.

Seriously GM, if you want us to keep dancing with the Falcons, allow us something better than IS Level-1 tech.

>> No.13999742

rolled 6 = 6

>>13999706
More stories!

>> No.13999743

>>13999706
Your DM needs to be slapped.

>> No.13999744
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13999744

>>13998888

>> No.13999747

>>13999706

Shit, I'm raging for you right now. What an asshole.

>> No.13999758

>>13999701
sounds to me like a fun "players take play in the realm" game. Love those.

>> No.13999765

>>13999706
Ok ok ok
Now I have to agree with the others.
Slap his shit. He's being retarded.

>statasoc mom
Captcha says you will need some russian guy's mother.
Get her and slap his shit!

>> No.13999792

>>13999683
That is amazing. How did it turn out?

>> No.13999799

>>13999758
I try to make those myself but my DM has the best mind for that.
I love those games too, they pump a level of reality not seen most places.

>> No.13999805

Wow, this thread is turning into "Bad GM" stories...

>> No.13999816

>Playing in evil 3.5 campaign
>work on setting up thieves guild mafia type situation
>We're levels 3-6
>DM introduces NPCs to work for us again and again
>We discover they're a good deal stronger than us.
>Dispatch NPCs through sneak attacks and the like
>Leave city when things start getting too hot.
>Take path familiar to us from having traveled several times before.
>Suddely: Magical gate with Iron Golem sentries.
>Impossible to go around it.
>Impossible to take another road due to DM cockblocking.
>Realize DM is fucking awful at DMing
>DM never gets to run another game again.

>> No.13999820
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13999820

>>13999706
>*seconds later*
>*somebody has managed to hit the actually invisible psychic, breaking their concentration and letting me to the ground*
>"All right! I know where the psychic is now right? cos <teammate> hit him/her, right?"
>"yes."
>"ok I zap her with lightning"
>"It hits her staff, which is connected to the ground, earthing your attack and dealing no damage"
>"she doesn't have a staff!"
>"she does"
>"I want to see her character sheet then"
>"I don't write character sheets, they're all in my head"

>my face

>> No.13999833

>>13999820
The need to slap this one has gone to a 7.

>> No.13999855

>>13999816

See, this is how you handle it. They do a bad job and then they lose the right to take that job ever again (Unless they can demonstrate understanding of what went wrong and improve). Good RPing takes too much time to waste it working with a hack GM.

>> No.13999860
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13999860

>>13999706

Tell me you've punched this guy in the nuts at some point or are planning on it.

My story:

>DH game
>Seek out clues of heresy(Arbitus, Redemptionists, Other team of Acolytes). Find NOTHING
>Camping out in abandoned parking lot
>Get ambushed by non-heretical arbites, TPK party
>The hell GM?
>"If you guys couldn't find the plot, the plot would come find you."

So much hate...

>> No.13999865

>>13999855

The best part was he insisted that nothing was wrong with the game.

>> No.13999866

>>13999820
>>13999820
earthed through wooden staff
laughinggirls.jpg

>> No.13999911

>>13999820
that should've either destroyed, melted, burned, or heated the rod up excessively.

>> No.13999922

>>13999820
Ever seen a tree get hit by lightning? That staff should have EXPLODED.

>> No.13999924

>>13999833
I'm sorry sir, you mis-typed 11...

>> No.13999927

>Deliver artifact Mcguffin to ELVES
>Praised by ELVES
>Allowed to stay in ELVEN KINGDOM
>Suddenly, CHEF is HAMSTRUNG
>SERIAL KILLER on the loose!
>MURDER MYSTERY!
>3 days of useless investigation
>Finally just cast DETECT EVIL and wander around with it turned on
>Locate OVERWHELMING SOURCE OF EVIL
>OVERWHELMING SOURCE OF EVIL is in Cute Elf Princess' bedchamber
>Kick the door in dramatically
>Princess assumes I am a rapist, freaks out
>Locate SOURCE OF EVIL
>Is a teddy bear dressed up as a swashbuckler
>ASSASSIN TEDDY GOLEM ANIMATES
>Roll for initiative

>> No.13999928
File: 68 KB, 177x219, 1259483637303.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
13999928

>after a lot of complaining by all the players his "houserule" as he called it that Telekinesis powers still affected me if the users level was high enough was revoked
>much rejoycing
>ok we're going into space now?
>oh no depressurisation! we need to jump over to the other ship
>think this is crazy awesome for all of 5 seconds before our team psychic tries to pick me up for the journey as well and can't
>I now apparently block all psychic powers wether I want to or not.
> have to use super speed to take a fucking running jump from airlock to another
>of course, I miss
>float off into space
>spend last of my exp (I long ago learned to keep some in reserve to buy powers when I got into trouble)
>buy magnetic powers so I can stick myself to the ship and crawl in spiderman style
>as soon as i get inside
>pummeled by all sorts of small items
>almost die

>My Face.

>> No.13999934

>>13999911

Not to mention ELECTROCUTING THE STAFF-HOLDER

Seriously! People don't take giant aluminum poles out into lightning storms to keep themselves safe, do they?

>> No.13999938

>>13999833
Seven? SEVEN?! I'm at thirty two!

That bitch would get one warning, ONE, before his GMing privileges were revoked.

>> No.13999949

>Dark heresy
>Aboard a ship controlled by a corrupted Machine Spirit
>Reach Ship Core, force way into central chamber
>Glados. Fucking Glados. Not even Shodan. Fucking Glados.

>> No.13999957
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13999957

>D&D 3.5e, playing a reformed medusa in disguise
>There's been a murder in town
>THAT GUY Psion decides that I'm responsible for the murder, alerts the guards
>Approached by guards, I let them know my identity
>Get arrested, tried for murder
>Work with DM to have a court mage secretly monitoring the trial by convincing the court mage that they would want me found guilty without any manipulation
>Dwarf comes to my defense and offers to be my advocate
>THAT GUY psion is the chief character witness, but pays/compels people to bear false witness, including my whereabouts in town at the time of the murder
>THAT GUY looks at me with smug sense of satisfaction
>Prosecution rests, public outcry to murder me without moving to the defense
>Dwarf calls forth one witness: Mr. Court Wizard
>Court wizard testifies that people were under mental compulsion to lie.
>No proof to convict me
>THAT GUY psion in deep shit for wasting court's time. Arrested and tried as accomplice to murderer.
>Executed.
>mvq

>> No.13999958

>>13999927
Holy fuck that's awesome

>> No.13999963

>>13999927
>Princess assumes I am a rapist, freaks out
>Locate SOURCE OF EVIL
>Is a teddy bear dressed up as a swashbuckler
>ASSASSIN TEDDY GOLEM ANIMATES
>Roll for initiative

Can you imagine the mindfuck she must've experience just by watching this?

>> No.13999966

>>13999927
hahahhaa brilliant

>> No.13999973

>>13999927
That's not Lolwat- that's badass!

>> No.13999978

This thread made me rage. Why do you keep playing with these people?

No game is better than a bad one.

>> No.13999986

>>13999927

I hate the "evil stuffed animal" plot device with a passion, but that's a personal problem.

Also, holy fuck. That's like the third set of quads in this thread.

>> No.13999997

>>13999978
Totally

>> No.14000003

I'm surprised there's not much GET spam on this board, to be honest.

>> No.14000007

>>13999928

Your GM is a total douchebag.

Drop that game already, life is too short for shitty fucking gaming, on your way out slap his shit.

>> No.14000008

>>13999706
What the fuck?

It should be pretty obvious that it's not your teammate you're intending to shoot.

What kind of asshole ruling is this?

>> No.14000010

>>13999957
My hat goes off to you.

>>13999978
>No game is better than a bad one.
What about a good one?

>> No.14000011
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14000011

>Playing VtM
>Come up with a social manipulator, pour my points into Subterfuge, Streetwise, Manipulation.
>Tell DM I want to start destroying the other players' reputation.
>Make no subterfuge, Streetwise, or Manipulation-Based rolls for 3 sessions.
>Ask DM why.
>DM: You have to roleplay it.
>Me: Yeah, I am, but also I should be rolling, since I specifically put character points into it.
>DM: No, I don't want you min/maxing
>That Guy has pretty much min/maxed his physical stats, ignored all social traits whatsoever, gets to roll to tear me to pieces with his Gangrel claws.
>MFW

>> No.14000019

>>13999978
some people just can't grasp that

>> No.14000022

>>13999928

OK, seriously, what did you do to your DM? Did you steal his girlfriend? Fart in his soup? Kill his parents? Because, unless he is fucking with everyone like this (in which case, GET A NEW FUCKING DM) he just plain doesn't like you.

>> No.14000034

>>13999963
>>13999958
>>13999966
>>13999973

In my defense, I did shout "DO NOT FEAR,I AM ON A HOLY MISSION FROM MY GOD" or something to that effect as I ran into her bedroom.

In retrospect that could really be taken either way.

>> No.14000046

>>14000003
Experience has proved that /tg/, as a whole, couldn't really care.

>> No.14000048

>>13999860
...wow. Now that makes no sense.

My best story, I guess:
> DH, Shadows on Twilight, I'm the GM
> Players have one hour to prepare before the Dark Eldar come rape their shit.
> What to do now?
> They take out their power weapons an cut the steel plates out of the deck to form makeshift cover by welding pieces onto the deck
> proceed to cut the deck until there is only a narrow bridge left on this level
> mine the bridge with frag grenades
> mine the gates to the next hold, where they will come from with fire bombs and promethium tanks
> position a machinegun
> 23 Dark Eldar can't assault and have no cover whatsoever.
> 4 rounds and they are all dead.

>> No.14000050

>>13999999

>> No.14000051
File: 211 KB, 496x369, ilikeyou.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000051

>>14000034
>DO NOT FEAR,I AM ON A HOLY MISSION FROM MY GOD

>> No.14000060

>3.5 Barbarian
>Separated from the party in big scary city
>Find note pinned to a wall with a dagger
>Look at it. Can't read it.
>Show it to a guard. It's an explosive rune.
>Fellow guards show up to attack me.
>Surrounded by 5 level 1 warriors, and me a lvl 10 barbarian
>Rage and hack them to pieces.
>There's a little boy who saw what happened. He runs to one of them. Starts crying "Daddy!"
>I go towards boy, he runs away.
>I chase him down, but he ducks into an inn with a strong door.
>Kick in the door
>Get on the floor
>Everybody walk the dinosaur

>> No.14000073

>>13999820
dude i feel you pain on that one my old dm made every enemy "sheet" in his head and shit like this happened all the time...yea slap him

>> No.14000078

>>13999957

Trial scenes are just awesome for some reason. Nice tale.

>> No.14000088

>Shadowrun 4
>runner contact gives job to steal big cred stick shipment from russian mafia
>train en route to Seattle
>WOO train job
>lots of flying, fighting, and drunk russian talk later
>find the right cargo section
>no cred sticks
>instead, find tied up elf
>elf turns out to be prince from 'Someelfcountry' the russion mafia captured
>pays us all DOUBLE what we though we would get


I'm sad our game dissolved at the end of summer.

>> No.14000089
File: 171 KB, 385x314, yeahok.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000089

>>14000060

>> No.14000097

>>13999986
Why's that?

>> No.14000098

>>14000007
Oh no this was several years ago. As I said, this was my first time EVER at roleplaying games, so I thought that it really was the DM vs the players. This here's my last "good" story before i got sick of his shit and went out of my way to catastrophically derail the campaign (which I may post later)

>still have no proper control over magnetic powers, So wearing heavy armour to stop annoying shit from pummeling me. Thanks to superspeed this makes me a walking talking lightning shooting wrecking ball
>attempting to fly spaceship
>"your fingers are too big for the buttons"
>"I take off my gloves"
>"the cufflinks are metal. You cannot pry them free from your strong magnetic abilities"
>"I try to take off the rest of the suit"
>"same problem"
>"So I'm stuck?"
>"Very"
>"If my power's that strong why aren't I stuck to the floor too?"
>"Good point. You're stuck to the floor too. THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT!"
>*DM trollfaces looking to other players, in what I can assume was his equivalent of *hold for applause**
>I begin plotting

>> No.14000100

Playing VtM

Play a Nos who specs in obfusicate

Use the hide in plain sight version of the power combined with celerity to "teleport" fight people (wink in-smack-wink out)

Do really well in first fight

Second fight face someone with auspex high enough that they don't have to even roll to see me: think whatever; whatever, makes sense and I understood the GM using it. Party fights him while I take on his mooks.

Third fight: everybody has auspex high enough where they don't have to roll to see me (5+). Even the low generations of non-auspex using clans

MFW

>> No.14000101

>>13999701
That reminds of the time my newly drafted into the Imperial Guard Scum stumbled across a battlescene whilst trying to hide, promptly began looting corpses and finishing off the dying of boths sides so he could steal -their- stuff as well. He discovered the lucky way that the battle took place in a minefield. Being a man of obviously less than sound moral fibre, he promptly hid under a pile of corpses. Because the Gods of fate spent most of their time laughing at him, the unit the rest of the group was attached to were ordered over to investigate the series of explosions. Eventually he is located and dragged, kicking and screaming, from the Tau bodies, greeted by a Commissar with a 'curious expression'. Cliffhanger.

Next session opens to reveal that they assumed he fought like a hero after becoming seperated by enemy gunfire (he legged it in a firefight so they would assume he died) and had to be physically wrested from the mound of enemies he slew, such was his passion for battle' or something to that effect. He was now a commissioned officer, having been promoted to replace a dead lieutenant. Over the remainder of the campaign, I developed him from "Will steal your gold teeth when you die" to a Captain Blackadder-esque figure desperately trying to get himself reassigned away from the fighting.

>> No.14000103

>>13998864

Dude... you just found an original revision draft or manuscript of the NECRONOMICON!

>> No.14000105

>>13999978
Many people miss the point that shitty games may be what you started with, so they may be all you know. Hindsight is 20/20

>> No.14000135
File: 128 KB, 1954x1783, Trollface_More_HD.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000135

DnD 4e
>>Playing with a Players vs DM style DM.
>>Big room with numbers on the floor.

>>Obviously a trap with some sort of mathematical solution.

>>No fucking clues anywhere on where to start.

>>I get the brilliant idea of hucking the corpses of our nearby fallen foes on tiles to figure out the pattern.

>>Quickly discover that there is no path across the tiles.

>>Cast Tenser's Floating Disc to ferry the party across.

>>DM who is fairly new to the job does not see it coming at all. I can see the impotent tears of rage behind his eyes.

>>mfw Problem, DM

>> No.14000136

>>14000103
Not in D&D 4e he shouldn't, numpty.

>> No.14000151
File: 169 KB, 850x567, annoyance_by_kikariz-d38u4c9.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000151

>>14000100
You appear to lack a face, good anon. Allow me to provide one.

(You're the one on the Left.)

>> No.14000172

>>13999928
I actually thought this one was quite funny.

Especially the almost pelted to death part.

>> No.14000197

>Challenge of Champions
>We're in a room with a tank of different colored fish and a bunch of different paints
>We're given something to drink
>It's poisoned
>One color of fish in the tank is the antidote; another type of fish in the tank is even more poisonous and will kill us if we eat it
>Instructions for determine the color are based on the properties of the fish in the tank: biggest/smallest/most/fewest (mix to this line the color of the biggest fish, etc...)
>Barbarian tries to eat the paint

>> No.14000202

>New in town, looking for a game group
>Find one, /tg/ comes up in casual conversation with DM
>First session is full of meme references and bullshit.
>Including an actual ork NPC named Lul-Wot. Bad yellow peril stereotype. I shit you not.
>I hope you read this, faggot. Your game is bad and you should feel bad.

>> No.14000214

>>13999938
Scale ends at seven.

>> No.14000215

Not really a campaign, more like a short little run but whatever!

It started at some day in late autumn in a group where we play viking warriors (where everyone also has some handcrafting skill like blacksmith or building boats or whatever). One of our guys had his birthday, so we had a huge party in his honor... with a lot of boozing. Another party member mentioned that he was not going to get smashed, as he wanted to do something the next day which he had to be ready quite early.
Anyway the DM made him get drunk either cause -well- viking warriors like to do that kinda thing...
The next day our DM:
"So, after the party you one by one wake up and feel horrible, your hangover barely makes you able to move, you do not want to do your normal everyday work."
Our bowmaker didn't want to make bows, our weaponsmith didn't want to make weapons...
But we all shared the GREAT URGE to go hiking and to visit a lake which we heard a lot about.

Mind you, up till then we never were told anything about the lake by the DM. He simply stated "You want to go hiking! And you want to visit the lake which you have heard SO MUCH about recently."
Basically instead of having some NPCs tell us about the lake, he told us about NPCs that told us quasi off-camera about the lake and how we want to get there...

This is to be continued... it will get weirder...

>> No.14000219

>>13999468
I love it when shit like that happens, when a good DM rewards you for doing something out of the ordinary

>> No.14000264

>>14000135

Awesome spell, always.

>> No.14000283

>>14000214
Then I regret to inform you that your scale is weak & inferior.

>> No.14000288

>>14000098
I hope you just stand up and kicked his shit hard.
Very hard.
If not, you are telling me you are not an alpha dog.

>> No.14000300

>>14000215
So, as I said: We wanted to go hiking. Before we were told that, there was a rather funny little thing I want to briefly address here:

Someone said he wanted to sleep longer... after hearing that he isn't in shape to do something productive he figured he might want to sober up by sleeping till noon.
Our DM didnÄt allow him to be in bed. So he wanted to do some light work. Which he was also forbidden to do. So after a bit of trial and error (where the DM always shot down every suggestion the player made for his character) said player simply said "Ok, so if I don't want to lie in bed or work standing up I'll knot some bedsheet around my head stand in the open, doze away until the DM tells we what to fucking do."

So finally someone pointed out the weak spot:
We were fucking dying of hangoverness and didn't want to do any work... so how should we want to go hiking in broad daylight?

Our DM agreed... that's not really realistic, so we waited a day to sober up.
Next day DM: "Yeah so you feel great today and can start your tour!"
Our Wizard: "Well, if we feel great, we could stay here and work on our normal stuff"

>Still not really that weird, just wait for the conclusion...

>> No.14000301
File: 26 KB, 321x215, laughing kids.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000301

>playing 4th edition

>> No.14000331
File: 498 KB, 376x211, laughing girls.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000331

>>14000301
>>Playing 3.5

>> No.14000332
File: 2.59 MB, 300x169, 1296086182363.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000332

>>14000301

>Playing hipster editions.

>> No.14000342
File: 384 KB, 485x600, laughinggirls.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000342

>>14000331
>>14000301
>>14000332
>Laughing at people

>> No.14000358

>>14000283
The need to slap scale is only seven levels.
The Rage scale? It broke years ago.

>> No.14000360

>>14000000

>> No.14000366

>>14000098
I sense there is more to this story...

>> No.14000369
File: 22 KB, 250x296, 1278270099647.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000369

>>14000342

>Criticizing arguments with ironic image selections.

>> No.14000374

>>14000300
Anyway we set out to the lake...
After a journey of a few days we reached it without any problems still trying to figure out why the fuck we were going there in the first place.
When we reached it we went for a little swim, enjoyed ourselves... good times.
However we noticed there were no fish in the lake. Our wizard explained that due to no connection to the sea or a river, that is kinda to be expected with it's remote location.
During night guard (seriously, DM made us stay there against our will for the night as well) I had to roll a spot check, which I successfully did.
So what did I spot?
DM: "You see a... tree.... without LEAVES!"
At which point everyone had a hard time not brust out laughing... so I didn't really give a fuck and waited for the next morning. Told our other members about my incredible discovery (even though I toyed with the idea of not mentioning it cause it's fucking irrelevant.
So our wizard looked at the tree and asked the DM what kind of tree it was. His answer: "Some broad-leafed tree..."
Yeah...

>it will even get weirder...

>> No.14000395

>>14000358
Oh, that reminds me of this priest who hates everything.
> So there is this priest in my DH-group
> He's a redemptionist, so he has a particular grudge against any enemies of humanity.
> He purchased every available hate talent.
> He even hates dragons now. In Dark Heresy.

>> No.14000412
File: 68 KB, 500x500, 1297731471048.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000412

>>14000332

>using "hipster" as an adjective

>> No.14000414

>>14000395
Well you never know when you might come across a void dragon in DH.

>> No.14000425

>>14000395
That works for a 40k priest though, they are pretty much the pure vassals of ZEAL and HATRED.
So I could run with that.

>> No.14000433

>>14000098
for the love of god man MOAR

>> No.14000438
File: 41 KB, 663x422, 1257389439294.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000438

>>14000412

>using a tripcode

>> No.14000439

>>14000425
With hatred against Dragons in a sýstem ,where there are no dragons?

>> No.14000447

>>14000098
goddammit you finish your goddamn story

>> No.14000449
File: 2.07 MB, 294x210, 1275040033068.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000449

I'm sorry to say my eventual retribution against the DM involves no physical violence, but I hope it hurt his pride.
We started playing a new game.
Inside the old one.

>*Back on the ship*
>"man this trip to (wherever the fuck we were going) is taking ages, let's play some D&D"
>other players:"sure alright"
>DM: "ok haha, you play D&D for the rest of the journey"
>*I take out all my new D&D books* "ok what classes does everyone wanna be?"
>DM "haha ok, real funny but we're nearly to (destination)
>Other players: "ooh I wanna be a Ranger! I wanna be a etc etc"

and then. In the process of seconds, the DM was shut out. he tried for a while to get people to join with biosterousness, saying I couldn't DM for shit as I was such a bad player, and eventually turning into whining, then pleading.

Then when he realised he'd lost..

>DM:"can I play as well?"
>Me: <to other players> "Should I let him play"
DM gets to watch as rest of players tell him in so many words that he's shit and they'd rather have a complete noob at D&D run the game then even have him IN the game

>my face

>> No.14000454
File: 118 KB, 473x534, 1298245998409.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000454

>>14000369
>Posting on 4chan

>> No.14000455

>>14000439

There are dragons, if NOWHERE else, on the Salamander's homeworld. or drakes, or something. I don't know, if it came up, I'd be pretty lenient as a DM in applying Dragon to a general sort of reptilian apex-predator.

>> No.14000464

>>14000439
He can hate the idea, and the mythology of dragons.
If that game is still running, advise your DM to run a dragon themed cult, just so your priest has an opportunity to let loose, it could be fun for the whole party.

>> No.14000471

>>14000425
It is not as odd the IG I have in my DH group...
He is obsessively asking if someone can throw grenades for him to shoot at...
At the worst times.
>Middle of negotiations...
>While in transit...
Yeah...
I am the other IG and I have stated I was a part of the Death Korps of Kreig and that I don't know the fuck. I was just hired to do my job.
I have shot him in the foot many a time....

>> No.14000474

>>14000439

You could create dragons using the xenos generator. Flying, Colossal, Breath Weapon.

In fact if I were the GM, I would have them eventually face a dragon just so that he could use the talent.

>> No.14000477
File: 26 KB, 542x467, 1266213473193.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000477

>>14000449

>> No.14000482

>>14000395
"FUCKING DRAGONS. WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE? IN MY HOUSE WE OBEY THE LAWS OF AERODYNAMICS."
"Sir have you ever looked at our flying transports?"
"NO WHY?"

>> No.14000490
File: 9 KB, 180x134, 1290463078379.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000490

>>14000449
GLORIOUS!
The ultimate phase out!

>> No.14000493
File: 79 KB, 397x305, Star Dragon.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000493

>>14000474

I've had my players face a star dragon on a hunt.

>> No.14000497

>>14000455
>>14000464
Actually there were "dragons" and we even fought one.
I just thought the sound of hating dragons in 40k is rather hilarious.

>> No.14000500

>>14000449
THIS POST.
IT IS GOOD.
AND YOU SIR, SHOULD FEEL GOOD.

>> No.14000507
File: 3 KB, 184x172, 1297843962874.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000507

>>14000449
excellent work

>> No.14000523

>>14000449
That is so beautiful man.

>> No.14000530

The last time I played instead of DMing, the DM wanted me to give him all the rules answers while we played so he'd look like he knew what he was doing. He didn't tell me this and, well, the result...

>Playing in a campaign with one of the worst DMs I know.
>Playing online.
>No DMPCs yet, thank god.
>Play through my part, looks okay so far.
>End at a battle, half-way done with it.
>Skip to another person's part, someone I've not met.
>He's playing a homebrew ninja class from the internet.
>Uses martial maneuvers.
>Suffers from same mental deficiency as DM: "I will play this class, even though I claim to not know how to use its abilities."
>DM doesn't know general rules for system(3.5e), which is my specialty.
>Have Rules Compendium on hand to give advice.
>Am asked what the DC for a skill check is(tumbling while moving silently), ask for details, get them, give DC in main IM window instead of private IM window.
>DM tells me to, "shut the fuck up, you don't know what you're talking about."
>...
>"Are you sure you want to close the Conference IM window? You will be unable to continue chatting unless you are invited back in."
>Click, "OK."
>Flood of replies asking me where I am.
>Log off.
>Refuse to answer phone when he calls.
>Text message saying he had to end the session early because he didn't know how to run the game without me there.

>> No.14000531

>>14000101
LOVE IT!!

>> No.14000536

>>13999162
>>13999509
>>13999706
>>13999820
>>13999928
>>14000098
>>14000449
Someone screencap these now.

>> No.14000539

>>14000449
so, did you essentially retcon his game? or do you occasionally asknowledge your players are now in a Lotus Eater Machine?

>> No.14000549

>>14000507 MFW I read this. >>14000449

>> No.14000663

>>14000549
>>14000536
>>14000507
>>14000490
>>14000477

Thanks guys. I wish I had a camera for that look on his face when the other players told him to fuck off.

Delicious.

>> No.14000678 [DELETED] 
File: 23 KB, 622x562, 1292750037644.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000678

Is /tg/ telling made-up stories again?

>> No.14000690

Ok, I have a story.

I'm running a Deathwatch campaign, and I'm pretty new to DMing, but I know 40k lore better than I know the back of my hand. I get one of my players to help settle rules disputes, since I know the guy and he's pretty reliable and trustworthy with that kind of stuff.

So my group is a Crimson Fist Tactical Marine, an Apothecary and an Assault Marine from the Blood Angels, A Black Templar Techmarine, an a an Ascendion Psyker character, who was known as "the dick in the box" for the first session.

>> No.14000707

>>14000374
So, when we tried to figure out what the fuck was going on with the tree, we found out that everything that fell into the lake aged tremendeously and somehow the lake was sucking at the trees roots.
Why this didn't affect us while swimming I have no clue.
One ouf our Group members is some sort of priest and prayed to our gods, cause they could help us win this matter. No result. I should mention that our priest bascially used the 'summon divine exposition' and it simply didn't work. No reason was given. While this happened a statue of our god in the vincinity cried for help...
We figured we might get help in a nearby village, being happy that we FINALLY had something to do...
So, while we all searched for hints what to do me and another character found out there was a huge swamp that was linked to that whole incident. So we got our gear ready to get into a swamp.
Meanwhile our priest talked to a barmaid, to get more infos, which yielded resulst as well.
It was late and we had to quit the session... two weeks later, the priest was far away... and he was the guy with the infos we needed.
Ingame, like 5 minutes passed and we asked the barmaid to tell us what she just told pour priest (not even our DM knew what she told him)
So he took the safe approach: She didn't tell us anything.
So we were stuck with the CRUCIAL informations out of the window...

But what did you just say? Me and a bro found infos? Well... our DM went "Hahahaha whoever told you to go to a swamp?"

At which point we simply said 'fuck this shit'

>> No.14000711

>ascension psycher character

NOW YOU FUCKED UP

>> No.14000718

>>14000678
Be careful with that. I caught a three day ban for implying that a story was a hoax.

>> No.14000771

>>14000718

The mods must be crazy.

>> No.14000773

>>14000690

After investigating a Space Hulk that destroyed their Watch Fortress for the first few sessions, the party jumps through a Warp Portal that leads onto a daemon world in the warp(not that they know that, of course). Their guide here was a random guy they picked up named Jim.

Jumping through a warp portal had it's downsides though. The Techmarine ended up gaining some insanity points by jumping through it repeatedly, and now was hearing voices from the Emperor. That's where the story really begins.

>> No.14000788

>>14000771
Nah, they are just forcing a meme and I was not playing along. It is what I get for trying to troll a mod.

>> No.14000798

>>13999244

Also, make sure your mary sue villain has the power to command mindless shades for some reason, constantly remind us how the church/organized religion is evil, and make a member of a religious order renounce her faith because she had dinner with an atheist who was happy with his life.

Christ, those books were terrible.

>> No.14000836
File: 113 KB, 600x589, reaction3.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000836

>At shitty midwestern game con
>Sit down to game that a guy SWEARS is oWoD
>"You're the scooby doo gang"
>This could be cool
>"Okay, we're not using character sheets"
>Or rules
>No rules, DM is horrible at tying together a narrative
>No story
>Has literally NOTHING to do with WoD
>Play for eleven minutes, game goes nowhere
>My fucking face when the others give me shit for getting up and leaving

>> No.14000843
File: 1.62 MB, 2400x2880, facepalm.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000843

playing D&D with some buddies, friend's first time DM'ing

>roll a halfling warlock specialized in bluff - take all bluff feats instead of combat-enhancing feats hoping to lie my way out of situations. spend my money on disguises, etc. Shave constantly and try to pass as a child.

>group is hired by a feudal lord named Lord Gigglethorpe. Barbarian chuckles at his name and DM knocks barbarian to negative 8 hit points in one swing for kicks

>hired by lord to stifle rebellions in the area. find town with wizard preaching to masses about rebellion, noticeable armed guards.

>try to approach wizard as a frantic-looking child saying I need his help, father is dying inside the inn two buildings down, magic can save him

>in front of all his followers

>roll a 20 on my bluff

>DM says "fuck you (name), already planned this encounter"

>ignores my presence. eladrin rogue fey steps on top of building to try stealth assassination

>wizard senses magic, roll initiative

>mfw

>> No.14000847

>>14000798

The first one, admittedly, I quite enjoyed. The other books though, Pullman decided to sacrifice believable character development and world building in favor of making a (very unsubtle) point.

>> No.14000855

>>14000843

I DM for our group now.

>> No.14000873

>>14000773

So the band of PCs were roaming around, finding clues about a group of DW that had jumped through the portal before them. They got into a scrap with some Chaos Marines, which is when I got my first real taste of how hilariously broken the psyker could be, after basically soloing one of the marines.

So the party sees a Chaos Land Raider heading for a citadel to the west. The Techmarine(who had been ordered by the Emperor to find a traitor amongst the party) picked up Jim and started walking towards the citadel. Like any sane person, Jim objects to this and convinces the party that he knows someone who can help them, but they need to let him go first.

Jim leads them towards a temple near the citadel, but takes them through a settlement where they get ambushed by more Chaos Marines. The Techmarine brings a building down on two of them, while the other CSM takes down the Crimson Fist(twice, the CF had to get revived once), and then proceeds to fight the super psyker and the techmarine in close combat for another two or three rounds, dodging all of their attacks while laughing maniacally. Eventually, the psyker brings him down, with only two wounds left.

After the battle, the Templar killed Jim for heresy, thus destroying one of the plot devices. But it's cool, 'cause they're still heading towards the temple. Just as planned.

>> No.14000878

>>14000798
Troll detected in sector 8


>Playing homebrew system, as a giant half bear leopard
>Say all my actions as if I were russian
>Everyone else starts talking like they're russian
> DM stops the game for 10 minutes and complains to me that my accent has completely broken his feeling of immersion.

>> No.14000954

>>13999792
The lair is going pretty well. It's story is not yet told, but we've sunk a lot of gold into making it fancy.
We built a library that's stocked primarily with a former Mind Flayer's library.
One of the books is very very important, another one is quite cursed. We made them look the same in case someone comes to steal the important book.
One of our party members' profession is Fine Art Connoisseur, so he's spent a good amount of time picking out things to decorate the lair with.
Statues, paintings, tapestries, etc. all looted from other villainous lairs of course.
We slew a cryohydra, brought the heads back, mounted them over our entrance, and animated them to be our door guard.

>> No.14000996
File: 20 KB, 213x211, 1281751674855.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14000996

>>14000843
>DM says "fuck you (name), already planned this encounter"

>> No.14001174
File: 49 KB, 393x318, 1282783420540.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14001174

Less of a bad DM moment and more we fucked up.

>We're just inside this huge temple.
>Some random half demon thing is telling us to be very very quiet so as not to alert the sentries to our presence (It's not friendly, it's already attacked us once, it's the whole enemy of my enemy thing)
>Wizard and barbarian promptly ignore his warning and start fucking shit up.
>It all goes predictably wrong when the content of about seven or eight encounters ploughs into us in one shot because of all the noise and slaughters us.
>DM sighs "I thought I'd put enough guys in there to convince you not to try a frontal attack"

>MFW

>> No.14001217
File: 255 KB, 1600x1067, Laughing Girls.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14001217

>>14000301
>>14000331
>>14000332
>>14000342

>> No.14001256

>>14001174
>>DM sighs "I thought I'd put enough guys in there to convince you not to try a frontal attack"
This kind of retard-logic is something I've noticed with DM's.
>But of course the dragon or huge group or whatever wiped out the whole party. You should have known that this was unwinnable. I engineered an unwinnable scenario hoping you would read my mind and back off this one time.
PROTIP: if you frequently throw balanced encounters at your players, do not throw a grossly overpowered enemy or enemies at them. They'll charge in head first as usual and then be befuddled when they all die.
Warning them about how hard or impossible it will be to win only eggs them on. Just don't do this, DMs.

>> No.14001257

>>14000011
Your GM is a dildo, but this is why I find the crappy politicking in your average Vampire game to be so much marsh gas.
Who cares what they think if you can kill/stake them as soon as look at them?

>> No.14001262

>>14000449
daaaam thats mean
the dm is just having a tough time making friends thats all

>> No.14001275
File: 11 KB, 251x246, 1293940484485.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14001275

>>14000449
This is the best way you could have replayed him for his bullshit.

Slapping his shit might have felt good at the time, but that wound would have healed.

What you did? That shit is going to haunt him for years.

>> No.14001284

>>13998864
Yeah this happened in a game I was sitting in on.
I took control of the npc I was screwing with.
I have corrupted the child and another NPC.
Got approval from the DM to take levels of Warrior of Darness from the book of vile darkness.

Shit be fucking wack yo!

>> No.14001298

>>14001256

Does it still count if we've specifically asked him to do it so we know that it's something we should avoid?

We've had two encounters where, by all rights, we should have been murdered and it was only the DM rolling abysmally that saved our hides.

>> No.14001305

> Playing DnD 4E
> About to fight final encounter against a turrasque, all three party members have spent the past hour getting ready.
> Sorcerer has a portal open to the nearest other planet
> Tosses his one remaining enemy, a merchant, through, tied up, with multiple ioun stones to avoid his death
> Wins initiative, and hits the turrasque with an attack that teleports it to the sorcerer's nearest enemy
> Turrasque teleports beside the merchant
> Sorcerer takes free action to close portal
> Victory dance

>> No.14001325

>>14000449
I'm so proud of you, did the guy ever come back to game or is he gone forever?

>> No.14001358

>Play Pathfinder as a wannabe paladin
>Level one, group gets attacked by massive troll leading dozens of orcs
>run away

>> No.14001365

Okay. I have a group story.
But first a little background.
>Running Savages worlds. I'm Dm.
>Never done it before.
>partys never done it before.
>We make the most F-d up story we can.

So What had happened was. Our resident time traveling bowman, a squid man, blind priest, Assasian, and nobleman dwarf are trying to get info on the Tenesse mafia and are interigating some guy so they can kill the leader; Rene d'cart.

Bowman: I would like to find a bucket
>Rolls and finds one.
Bowman: I would like to water board him.
>He procceds to do so.
He now uses that as his every solution. Also he appearntly waterboarded the guy till he said pakistan. It's my fault really.
That's not even the most out there. . .

>> No.14001374

>>14001358
>Next encounter
>facing down a massive army of orcs and cavemen
>the troll appears on the horizon
>decide to fight
>get knocked out with no saving throws and thrown through a portal

>> No.14001384

>>14001365
Why would the ranger know how to waterboard him? It isn't that easy to do, you have to be really careful not to accidently for real drown the person.

>> No.14001404

>>14001384
He learned how from dick cheny.
Also he subsiquently pesisted through time (after being sent to the past.) And taught a young Dick cheny how to torture for information.

This guy runs on stable time loops.

>> No.14001406

>>14000449
No image macro this side of Pluto can convey my approval.

Well fucking done, you magnificen/tg/oddamn bastard.

>> No.14001408

>>14001374
>It was by our own side, they apparently realized that the orcs were after us for some reason
>Wake up in town, the troll apparently got through the portal and is going to destroy the town
>town flees across river, we're the last one on bridge
>we get attacked by bandits who were hiding on the bridge
>excited that we finally have a level appropriate encounter
>charge backwards in order to get at the bandits
>DM: "You trample a bunch of civilians and they try to tackle you."

>> No.14001437

>>14001408
>guard sets the bridge on fire in order to stop the troll
>we jump into the river
>are attacked by a monstrous crocodile
>we're still level one
>manage to do fairly well against the croc and might even get away
>the fucking troll jumps into the water after us

>> No.14001448
File: 33 KB, 640x480, 1275123670352.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14001448

>>14001437
it was like the troll planned it all out like some sort of a plan

>> No.14001470

>>14001404
Also, I forgot to mention he got like 3 perfect rolls.

Next. . . We have Squidman. . .our useless time mage. (Not really I just gave him the ability to screw with time like it were a slot machine.) He found a lizard and rolled to turn it into a thousand year dragon. . .he succeded.

Also our Assasian at one point pulled the Jecht shot (Final fantasy 10) on some guys.

. . .
I'm begining to think I should never DM again.
However the game is fun as hell even if we have no idea what we are doing and I only plan 5 seconds ahead.

>> No.14001487

>>14001437
>then the army comes in, scares away the troll
>arrests us for killing their crocodile
>exile us, so we go and get railroaded into a quest to save an NPC who got separated on the bridge

>> No.14001493

>>14001470
fun is what matters bro

what your doing its your using your imagination

>> No.14001522

>>14001487
>Did I forget to mention that the troll one-shotted the croc?
>So we get a reasonable encounter
>Then, while we examine the bodies, that fucking troll bursts in
>I get a lucky roll and manage to intimidate the troll into leaving
>this particular session ends, but then
>we get back and suddenly aren't in the room that we just cleared, but in some separate realm with basically no explanation

>> No.14001542

>>14001522
DM railroads can span dimensions.

>> No.14001585

>>14001522
>So we're in a different realm and are attacked by giant maggots
>chop one in half
>DM: You notice that the maggot has white guts and the front half keeps moving, this shocks you so much that you feel your sanity slipping away
>have to make a DC 22 will save
>as a level one fighter
>fail it and go insane

>> No.14001590

>Roll Thief
>Is more socialite than actual robbing stuff thief
>First encounter
>DM says the enemies are "A rabble of uncouth gentleman"
>He tells me I roll to dissuade
>I roll 20, confused
>I now have an entourage

>> No.14001594

We were introducing a friend to D&D 3.0 back when that was pretty new. We were having fun, and the party consisted of my "CRITS!" Barbarian wielding a Scythe min/maxed for, well, crits as well as "Legolas" the ranger (I'd have called him on it but it was the whole reason he didn't just play a second barbarian and he was handy)...

And Vegeta. A monk built to be Vegeta.

Make a long story short Vegeta is the newb and we're making our way through some cave to find the evil vampire lord or w/e.

I honestly don't remember why we cared, probably money, but we inevitably found the bastard.

Vegeta rolls a 20 on an athletics check to run, jump off the wall and kick the vampire in the head. He succeeds in nearly obliterating the poor bastard, bypassing all his guards, all his spells, all his traps--in fact if not for the DM's foresight Vegeta would have walked away with the trophy.

Instead...

"Roll D20. I wanna see what you get."

"Why? I'm kicking ass."

"Do it."

"...17"

"THE VAMPIRE, SENSING YOUR PRESENCE BEFORE YOU EVEN ENTERED THE ROOM, PREPARED A SPELL! YOU UNWITTINGLY STEPPED RIGHT INTO IT!"

Then we spent the next half hour trying to figure out a way to retrieve Vegeta from his pocket universe. This was made especially difficult as the universe he was "trapped in" was, and I quote, 'the Plane of Big Breasted Women'.

His resistance made our efforts very taxing. The vampire had to be kept alive for a while because of it, and was eventually tortured into compliance.

We made ribs afterwards. A good night in my opinion.

>> No.14001602
File: 19 KB, 400x300, 1266560087181.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14001602

>The party is sent to assassinate a crime boss in the orcish mafia by a different mafia boss.
>It's a hairy battle, made worse by half of the party refusing to participate.
>Eventually we defeat him, but then HERP DERP YOU HEAR FOOTSTEPS, MUST BE THE GUARDS!
>For bullshit reasons, two of us "escape" down the hallway that the guards were coming.
>Four Half-Orcs with battleaxes attack us, with no chance of diplomacy.
>We take them out using bro-fist teamwork.
>When we get back to the one who hired us, she yells at us, saying that we were not supposed to kill the assassins.
>Me: "But they attacked us, and we thought they were guards and were given no indication that they were assassins sent to kill the guy we just killed."
>DM: "You should have run away."
>MFW

>> No.14001628

>>14001585
>Our DMPC rolls a gather information check
>nat20
>they're weak against vinegar, because he has a twenty
>DM: Because he rolls a twenty, he happens to have a lot of vinegar in his bag
>So he hands out the vinegar and everyone pours a vial the maggots
>Someone rolls a one, so apparently he mistakes me for a maggot or something and pours it over me
>Somehow it does 1d6 damage to me, even though half-elf fighters are not (to the best of my knowledge) weak against vinegar

>> No.14001681

>>14001628
>Already being insane, I turn on the party
>Then the troll shows up, along with some eldritch abominations
>the min-maxed monk grapples me until I finally make the save and am no longer insane
>we flee
>Find a bag that says "for the Chosen of Blablabla" (our group's name)
>session ends
>I never play with this DM again

No, I didn't do anything as awesome as >>14000449

Just made some passive aggressive comment about not picking up the bag because it would probably just lead to more problems

then stopped showing up

>> No.14001691
File: 42 KB, 640x480, 1293076650087.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14001691

Playing in a 3.5 game
>Token female in our group is an elf.
>In an elf kingdom, she has babies with elf Prince and last remaining member of royal family
>Babies are born
>We go adventure for maybe like a month tops
>Come back to kingdom
>Elf kids are now full grown
>DM says "Like you all know, elves grow up really quick"
>mfw

Seriously where did he get this stuff.

>> No.14001719

>>14001691
Your DM is a FUCKING RETARD! Elves grow up SLOWER than humans.

>> No.14001747
File: 54 KB, 320x240, 1256659440740.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14001747

>Group was sent by King of Importantplace to find evidence of an underground movement to usurp the king blahblah
>End up in forest, entering a tunnel through a hatch in the ground
>Basically rat-holes from 'Nam
>Find a room with scientific/alchemic/idontknow shit EVERYWHERE
"You hear footsteps coming from the direction you came in derp"
>Ranger and Rogue cling to seeing through some awesome hide and climb checks
>Necromancer hides in closet
>Two guys walk in carrying what might be an unconcious body

Two backstabs later, DM sighs and tells us we killed his quest-givers.

>Argue that they were carrying a possibly dead body and were armed

"But you were only supposed to find evidence, not solve the problem!"

>Session ends because DM is unprepared on what to do next
>mfw

>> No.14001752
File: 49 KB, 455x700, 7hu2U4T6Cmbcr86b40j3RCVeo1_500.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14001752

>>13999262

i love you. marry me.

>> No.14001763

>>14001747
cling to ceiling*

>> No.14001776
File: 36 KB, 450x331, 1286382862292.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14001776

>>14001719
He's not my DM anymore and I'm aware.
Another good one from my second ever character, first time playing with this DM:
>Decide to make a half-elf sorc since that's my combo of choice in NWN and Baldur's Gate
>DM tells me the thing about sorcerers is that they get all the spells from one school of magic and can't learn any others
>Friend of mine much older than me argues against the DM
>DM realizes his mistake
>Says sorcerers actually get two schools and nothing else
>My second ever D&D game and a teenager to boot
>Okay.jpg

>> No.14001791

>>14001628
>half-elf fighters are not (to the best of my knowledge) weak against vinegar

Stolen. They will be in my campaign now.

>> No.14001807
File: 63 KB, 500x300, elf egg.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14001807

>>14001691
Duh, don't you know anything about elves?
Next you'll tell me they don't lay eggs.

>> No.14001830
File: 102 KB, 533x500, 1203046176099.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14001830

>>14001807
Yes, of course, I have always known this...

>> No.14001858

>>14001776
I'm the DM in this situation

>Shadowrun 4th Edition
>Players are 2 months behind on rent, High lifestyle
>Present a 200,000 nuyen job to let them catch up
>find the humanis compound, steal data, etc.
>compound hidden beneath the abandoned church on the hill of course
>the elf character has so much diplomacy that she can diplo her way into a human interest group
>they steal the data
>I remember I didn't think of any enemies
>trip alarm, kill one security guard
>leave

$200,000 to walk into a compound, plug in a flash drive and leave. This is before we were using matrix rules, as we were all new to the game and were learning the rules together.

>> No.14001870

>>14001858
I don't know why I linked to that post.

>> No.14001874

>>14001807
Two birds with one stone. And a hilarious way to get rid of your last enemies. Win and win, good sir.
>>14001305
Mmmm... delicious elf omelets.

>> No.14001875

>>14001719
They grow faster than humans then slow to nearly a halt at human twenty

>> No.14001911

>>14001691
>Implying elves aren't birds

>> No.14001934

Played a game called Reign to see if it was any good (it was ok, but we never played again)

Featured a random character generator so we gave it a spin, wound up with two gish wizard fighters, an ex bandit, and a sailor/spearman. One of the wizards started with a ship so we took this as a sign to be all sailors.

Pull up in town to unload and random guy just starts walking onto our boat. We tell him to stop, he tells us his name is blablabla and the bandit realizes that he's the local crime boss.

We tell him to stop again, he says he'll go where he wants. I (Spear/salor) stand on the plank so he can't pass, he draws a sword, things get stabby on both ends and i manage to wound him pretty good, wizard overturns plank with wind depositing the three of them into the water and I use my super sailor powers to lower and turn the sail causing the ship to pitch and smush them between it and the stone dock.

They die and the game ends. Turns out not only where they quest givers but also the boss for this encounter as well as part of a quest hook for the rest of the campaign. Things actually turned out much better for literally everyone (including us) because we killed them right there instead of doing the token accidentally evil mission

We went on rockin high seas adventure afterwords

>> No.14001950

>>13999162
Surely the cross-guard would be wider than the blade, and you could just grab the handle that's left sticking out of the ground?

>> No.14001959

>>14001934
>Played Reign
>Stopped playing Reign

What the fuck is wrong with you

>> No.14001988
File: 71 KB, 500x353, 1195066519590.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14001988

>>14001934
>super sailor powers
This is awesome.

This one just happened on Sunday:
>Playing Wild West campaign in Pathfinder.
>Indians are Elves, very low magic
>Party is camping out
>Person on watch wakes me up, says he hears movement in the brush coming towards us
>I roll nat 20 Perception
>DM hands me a note reading "You see two Large sized apes running towards you. You think they smell your food."
>mfw we fight off two Gorillas in the middle of the fucking wild west

DM said he rolled a 100 on his random encounter chart. Apparently a 100 means gorillas.

>> No.14002091
File: 467 KB, 646x596, 1296537227638.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14002091

>>14001988
You're lucky, 100 in my quest meant a colossus dual wielding hydras. Then again, it was Dwarf Fortress Quest. I did nerf it to just a pack of elephants since the party wasnt that good at combat.

>> No.14002108

>>14002091
>Dwarf Fortress Quest
I WANT TO BEAR YOUR CHILDREN

>> No.14002141

There are so many people out there that cant DM for shit...

I admit, in my beginings I had flaws, but with a few game sessions (and some pre-written adventures after I realized that my own will end in shit since I had no idea what Im doing but it sounded cool) I moved on and my players are all happy and working out.
Basically that is because I know how to pull the threads. The halfling rouge is in whereever something valuable seems, the dragonbabarian (he is not a dragon or a halfdragon of some sort, he jsut prays to dragons) likes money and never backs down from a good challenge.
The elf is a warrior that seeks for challenges that will drive him to the borders of his abilitys, while the Thri-kreen monk is a peaceful guy that will crush evil whereever he encounters it. All these dont back down for various reasons when confronted with problems, and they are smart enough to overcome them, or stupid enough to have dumb but funny ideas (like the time the babarian beat the leader of a bunch of dire monkeys to a pulp to become their new leader, good times).
But one character is special: the female gnome bard /favoured soul. This is her first character and she built it together with someone that loves multiclassing even though it went horrible in this case and the character is really weak in combat, but has some healing capabilitys since she has lots of spells.

cont

>> No.14002146

cont>>14002141

But, I dont care and none of the other players care. You know why? Because this little gnome bard is doing a hell of a good job beeing a little female gnome bard. She is curious, naive, and seeks for adventure and gems whereever she goes. If I want her to go and find something, all I have to do is startle her curiosity: make a small secret about the room, like: the kitchen is off limits for visitors.
It didnt take ten minutes till she was in the kitchen since she wanted to know why it was off limits where she found the new character of a player helping out (the thri-kreen. It was offlimits because they figured people would complain about bugs in the kitchen)

Really, if you know your players and how they play their characters, just pull the string so that they face in the right direction, no need to drag them over there on a leash.

>> No.14002148

>>14002091

>> No.14002156
File: 7 KB, 130x125, 1298310306714.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14002156

>>14002148

fucking captcha

>> No.14002176

>First time playing. Roll a halfling cleric and I'm the toast of the town. The last cleric had sucked.

>It's a college round-robin game with a lot of different experience levels. I make it a little ways in when the bard goes down to a bebilith (CR 11 demon). I'm level four. The paladin is level eight, but the paladin has a protection from evil spell, and what ends up happening is that the bebilith decides to be a dick about it and kill all his friends in front of him to try to taunt him into breaking the protective "bubble" of such a ward.

>As the cleric, I'm freaking the fuck out. Round 1, Da Chain takes so much damage that he tumbles away to slug the cure mod potion I'd brewed for him. Round 2, Dan the Fighting Man is neg-tenned in one hit. Round 3 is Whatever the Fuck That Bard's Name Was, and he drops to -9.

>> No.14002192

>>14002146

there are some storys regarding this little gnome girl, and she was more than once in really dangerous situations. But, I repeat...it is her first character, and she was there when the group started, at level one.

>> No.14002205

>>14002176
The Bard's name was Nock from Bobblenock, and I still appreciate the potion.

>> No.14002245

DND 3.5

>In weird pocket realm filled with various outsiders.

>Be gravetouched ghoul rogue.

>See succubus giving birth on the street (wat)

>Walk up to succubus "YOU GOIN TO EAT THAT?"

>DM is a juggalo slob with no redeeming parts.

>Says succubi's husband comes from behind

>it's a pit fiend (double wat.)

>I proceed to explain why it's retarded. (blood war)

>The entire group defends GM.

>Calls me stupid and uncreative.

>Says even in war, love and exceptions can happen.

>wat

>try to explain that demon and devils are pure evil

>no listen.

>I leave group forever.

>they then proceed to start listening to ICP as I leave.

>> No.14002294

>Transformers RPG (forget if it had some special name)
>group reluctant (especially me) to the idea at first
>DM pesters us till we cave
>start reading over the booklet, actually get intrigued
>we roll Decepticons
>One player makes a enormous hydra transformer with bickering heads who's so large that our space ship is basically a pod to house him
>Another makes a Jet
>Another makes a flaming jungle cat
>I make The Nordique!
>Transform into a Zamboni, have a liquid nitrogen gun shaped like a hockey stick, deploy smaller puck shaped robots that magnet themed powers to push and pull things
>Speak in terrible French Canadian accent!

>We are sent on a mission to capture a prototype weapon from some autobots
>Their ship is faster than us, but we know thier trajectory.
>a little troll physics later and we make a giant magnetic "carrot on stick" to pull out ship forward at incredible speed!
>We slam into the back of their ship
>a few combats and some mild to medium level high jinks later, we have secured the weapon
>Simply head back to base with the weapon?
>HELL NO! We want to take their ship back with us!
>after coming to the conclusion that we did not have the manpower to pilot two ships back, we formed the only logical conclusion: WELD THE TWO SHIPS TOGETHER! ONE UPSIDE DOWN ON TOP OF THE OTHER!
>fail on some of our designs, ship hold together stable, but spirals like a football through space!

and thus ends our one shot. Hopefully they will have another day

>> No.14002301

>>14002245
>juggalo DM
>listening to ICP
>>I leave group forever.
Good call, anon. Good fucking call.

>> No.14002304

>>14002176
>cont

>As a halfling with a 20 dex, I was the cleric with tumble. I wore leather armor, wore a buckler, and most people assumed I was a rogue. Being a tumbling healer had made me great at triage--it was almost like being able to heal at range.

>I also had the Luck domain, which gave me the ability to reroll a d20 once per day. I hadn't used it.

>So when That Bard goes down, I get all excited and into character and decide that I am going to save his fucking life. Problem was, this big nasty had reach and positioning on me, and I was going to have to tumble to get past him.

>With 2 cross-class ranks in tumble, a 20 dex, a +2 racial bonus, and no armor check, I had a +9 to my tumble check. DC 15. I cast the spell before I tumbled in, which meant that I wouldn't provoke from casting in the bebilith's face. It was a good plan with a 30% chance of failure. But it didn't happen. I rolled a 2, and thus I was provoking an attack from a creature that could most likely kill me with a hit. So I luck reroll, and fate mocks me with another 2. A pair of deuces--rarely enough to win the hand. The thing smacks me, rips the shield from my arm, and the DM gives me this sympathetic look as he drops the dice in front of him and declares the bonus, thus absolving him any later accusations of fudging dice.

>He rolls low, and I'm at full health. I take the hit, and I come to a stop next to the bard with a hand full of cure moderate wounds and... a choice. Heal myself, or heal him? I still had some spells left, and the higher level characters were starting to get thing's attention by attacking it earnest. It just came down to that round--do I heal That Bard, or do I heal me?

>> No.14002311

>>14001988
This intrigues me. A player and I have been discussing a sort of post apocalyptic/wild west type game using pathfinder rules, since it's the system all of the players enjoy the most. How does your campaign treat firearms? Same as in the pathfinder beta, or do you use some other system?

>> No.14002323

ok... Im a DM here. Im considering myself to be a moderate-good DM, but thats hard to judge from your own perspective, so I will drop some storys, tell me if I made sense with those or if I made stupid things, I really want your opinion, or I cant improve.

>Players are traveling, chasing a spy down the roads
>they make rest for the night
>roll for random encounter for the night
>yes, random encounter
>roll for random encounter
>cockatrice, thats alright I guess since the group is level 3
>realize by reading the fluff text that cockatrice are essential animals and not aggressive unless provoked, despise their ugly look
>said cockatrice comes to their camp, making some noises, but doesnt attack outright
>the warforged has watch, he wakes the mage to ask if he could get some of his rations
>they feed the cockatrice with some meat and bread
>the cockatrice sleeps next to the camping fire, nobody cares
>next morning, the cockatrice is gone, left an egg, seemingly it was a female one
>the mage is now breeding his cockatrice familiar in planning

I have some more from this journey, that I will post shortly

>> No.14002332

>>14002141
>(like the time the babarian beat the leader of a bunch of dire monkeys to a pulp to become their new leader, good times).

Haha oh god, this is great.

>> No.14002334

>>14002245
>DMing a game

>New guy refuses to recognize miracles

>Motherfucking miracles is everywhere

>The Blood War, how does that work?

>> No.14002341

>>14002205
Whoa--this has never happened before. But it was my last spell--the potions I gave to you so you could heal yourself when I wasn't around.

Anyway.

>>>14002304
I give it to Nock, and he's so mangled that it does even bring him to consciousness. The DM, still with that pained look on his face, asks me what I do next. But that was it, my move and my standard. I had nothing to do but clutch my light crossbow, squint my eyes, and die.

>> No.14002353
File: 59 KB, 465x619, 1269385664419_thumb..jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14002353

>>14002323
are you my dm?

>> No.14002361

Kind of off topic, but our group has tremendously bad luck kicking in doors.
In our previous game I was playing a dwarf, and on 3 consecutive attempts to kick a door in, I rolled a 1.
The first time the DM said I slipped, the second time nothing happened, and the third the door swung open and banged shut and locked itself.

Now I've recently started a game where I'm DM'ing... and two players attempted to kick in a set of double doors. A Barbarian and a Monk.
They each rolled a 1.
I told them that after making an extremely loud thump
they hear a voice on the other side say "Come in, it's unlocked."
In the final room of the dungeon they've been crawling.

>> No.14002366

>dwarf fighter
>last battle before facing lich
>undead giants, undead giants everywhere
>Brother DM has me face every giant i killed in game one on one because it's what i did
>died at end of encounter
>killed all 64 of them
>best session to date

Brother DM renames moradin after said character in all his campaigns now.

>> No.14002371

>>14002341

>And the end of the story is that I was the first raise dead spell of the low magic game. They stole an artifact and brought it to a priestess and had me brought back to life after I sat out for three sessions without rolling another toon. I've never been more honored by my fellow adventurers.

>> No.14002375

>>14002323
You sound like a good DM to me. Realise the thing isn't quite right for the situation, but instead of fiating it how you planned, adjust the plan and the game sounds better off for it. Fuck, cockatrice familiar sounds sweet. Well done.

>> No.14002415

>>14002323
only weird thing i see here is that the cockatrice just left the egg. it's not like it just took a shit and left, if it really is like an animal then it should've defended the egg when the pc's took it. even mother hens try to defend their eggs from intruders

>> No.14002428

>>14002304
>cleric with tumble
I guess you could say...

>> No.14002429

>>14002323
I have no problem with this.

>> No.14002433

>>14001681
Oh yeah. I forgot to mention that at one point the DM asked a player (with full sincerity) why he adhered to "Mohammedanism."

>> No.14002443

>>14002428
...you were a holy roller.

>> No.14002474

>>14002433
>Mohammedanism
Is your DM from the 1700s?
That's kind of how Thomas Paine wrote in "Age of Reason". Your DM needs to get with the times and stop talking like a colonial American.

>> No.14002481

>>14002443
http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=csi

>> No.14002563

>4E game.
>Human Paladin of Bahamut with spiked blonde hair, a penchant for wearing little more than pants, boots and a blue tabard, and with the symbol of Bahamut tatooed on each shoulder
>Have wife and kid back home.
>Am on a quest to defeat a cleric of Tiamat who is a minotaur with a buffalo's head. His name is simply The Master.
>I have vowed not to return to my homeland until this quest is finished.
>It's been a while since we've played, and we're not sure if we're going to play again due to awkwardity of trying to get everyone's schedule matched up. It's also been like two months since we had a session.
>Decide to tell my DM my endgame.
>Hoping to face down my opponent and have him, upon defeat, beg me to spare his life. Bargaining with me. I can have whatever I want.
>"Bison. There is only one thing I want and the only way to get it is to kill you."
>"All I want is to go home...and be a family man!"
>Cue Guile's theme

Suffice to say, my DM's face was priceless.

>> No.14002566

More storys from the random encounters on the road of my players (just to mention that, they DO get exp for peaceful solutions with monsters that could be dangerous, like the cockatrice)

>another day or two passes after the cockatrice incident
>have another chance to roll on random encounter
>roll for 1d3 Blink dogs, get 3
>realize that blink dogs are lawful good creatures that would rather kiss a displacer beast than attacking a good alignment group for no reason
>the dogs just happen to travel in the same direction, they talk with the players, and decide to spend the night together
>roll for random encounter in the night (the chance was about 10% since they already had a random encounter on the day)
>random encounter, roll: 1d4 ogres, get 3 ogres
>at last monster that are allowed to ambush players
>players ask the blink dogs if they could held the first watch
>ogres ambush, but are stoped by blink dogs, now players are fighting alongside the dogs against the ogres
>have fun fight with dimensional jumping blink dogs that help whoever is in need for help
>defeat ogres
>part next morning in peace, blink dogs dont want the loot since they cant carry stuff (they dont have treasure so it seemed logical)

Yes, I gave my players the full exp for the ogres since they convinced the blink dogs to help them in the first place and if they were an evil group they would have had to fight them, too
moving on to the next part

>> No.14002600

>>14002311
We basically use the D20 Modern Past book and specifically the Percussion Cap Firearms circa 1840, page 22.
They work extremely well at the moment. Considering we're all level 1 and 2 and so are the majority of things we fight, guns are extremely deadly. Before I hit level two I had been on the verge of bleeding to death three times. When they're rolling 2d10 for damage and you have the most HP in the party at 12, you better hope to god they roll low. I expect this will change somewhat at higher levels, so we'll see.

For the low magic aspect, our DM has added essentially healing potions in the form of "Uncle Al's Healin' Whiskey." Which heals 1d6 damage and gets you slightly intoxicated! There are stronger drinks made by Uncle Al (or the Uncle Al's Company?) that heal more. Really offsets the constant threat of death.

>> No.14002621

>>14002566
>>14002566

That's awesome. I was gonna have my PCs get attacked by a vicious pack of man-eating Corgis but now I think I want to offer them a chance at befriending the beasts.

>> No.14002701

>>13999820
staff? a wooden staff? It'd explode. An iron staff would either electrify her or burn her hands from the heat. Now that she's unarmed you can flash supersonic punch her.

>> No.14002723
File: 173 KB, 1200x800, 1294723784200.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14002723

>>14002566
>Thread full of shitty DM stories.
>You tell good DM stories.
>I'm jealous of your group.
Good goin', non-bad DM.
I also like that your players aren't playing murder hobos who kill everything that crosses their path.
Have a mantis.

>> No.14002728

>>14002600
Thanks, we were just thinking of using the weapons locker and calling the guns by different names, but if they have some more info, and what period they were used in, that would be helpful.

>> No.14002760

now, this part is what makes me feel a bit uneasy, since I did force a battlesituation of some kind on the players, but it seemed logical... anyway, moving on to explain

>players had encountered the spy, which they realized was a vampire and his sister was helping him
>they attacked his coach, which was black, fireresistant and looked really evil (there was a picture in the book that showed it with spikes and all that stuff)
>they got the vampire and the wizard (his sis)to flee ahead, leaving the coach behind (flying and in form of a dire wolf in the forests)
>now they were left with the coach of the evil guy, that had a coffin inside and smelled of vampire
>they decided to take the coach with them, it seemed nice compared to just horses like they traveled till now, and they knew where the guy was headed
>so, a few days (like 3 or so) later, another random encounter
>roll werebear
>read fluff on werebear. They dont sound like incredible nice persons, as they are constantly searching to fight evil
>players encounter a Bear with an axe on a belt on their way
>the bear turns, faces them and the incredibly evil and vampire smelling coach
>turn into a himan, now the belt is a shoulderbelt
>Seems aggressive, asks them what they are doing here and why that coach emits an aura of evil (he meant the stench of undead, having a good nose)
>the players try talking, but somehow they end up saying: Actually, thats not our coach, we just took it after we beat the last owner out of it
>well... it kinda seemed appropriate to tell them now that they should be ready to fight, werebear transform in werebear form and waits till they draw their weapons, then jumps on coach

I admit that I partly played the npc aggressive and impulsive, but it seemed to fit the werebearstyle.
They defeated it of course, and then I realized that werebears have loot and suddenly he had a bag with 40k copper coins (no joke, I rolled for that) and of course his axe.

>> No.14002825

>>14002760
ah, one more thing that didnt fit anymore, they didnt kill the werebear since it was obviously misleaded, they brought it to the next city and had him arrested for attacking them (they kept the loot, as reperationbudget, but hell, they left him his axe)

>> No.14002853

>>14002723
>Murder hobos

CANNOT BE UNSEEN

>> No.14002859

>>14002723
thanks, its an awesome mantis

>> No.14002867

>>14002353
I dont know, am I?

>> No.14002975

>>14000098
>(which I may post later)
please do =D
This shit is awesome

>> No.14002984

>>14002853
>>Murder hobos
You've never heard that before? Your average DND party is a group of evil murder hobos. They wander the countryside usually killing whatever crosses their path. They also defile tombs and raid people's homes if their home is in a cave or basically anyplace that isn't a city. Oddly many of these murder hobos are nominally 'good' characters.

>Your characters see a tribe of primitive hunter-gatherer orcs in the distance. They are stretching deer skins on racks and smoking fish over wood fires. They live in animal hide tents.
>BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! RIP THEM OPEN! LEAVE NONE ALIVE! MY LAWFUL GOOD CHARACTER CAN NOT ALLOW ANYTHING THAT ISN'T A PLAYABLE PC RACE TO LIVE!

>> No.14003023

I read this thread out loud to shame my DnD group for not playing DnD on our set days and leaving the token chick bored in the corner.

>> No.14003142
File: 54 KB, 400x230, YEAHHHH.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14003142

>>14002443

>> No.14003153

so... opinions on
>>14002760
?
good? bad? very bad?

>> No.14003219

>>14002825
You played him just as a zealous werebear.

They should've had him join them on their quest though, not have him arrested.

>> No.14003237
File: 4 KB, 126x120, 1295130233722s.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14003237

First time Dm'ing.

Doing a Dragonlance campaign.

Long story short the 3 players are running lawful bounty missions, killing goblins.
Make proper checks to realize the goblin cave is actually a spire of a temple that sunk in the cataclysm.
Go down, find lots of steel, fight some big centipedes and spiders, come upon an altar in the middle of the crumbled pews.
Troll dagger (won't cut anything that isn't stone, but melts through it like butter, magically veers off course whenever it woulds otherwise touch it)
Group realizes there's an elder black dragon (impaled with dragonlance, killed the templegoers after a fight with a knight, stuck down in temple for 400 years, dragonlance has permagimped it)
2 successful strength checks on the lance jutting out of its side = dead dragon
dragons acid breath takes out pillar, temple is close to shore, breaks open one of the fossilized grand doors, place starts flooding
Rangers pack was torn open by acid, notices a random inscribed walnut they were given for a previous quest.
Steps on it to crush it in anger.

MFW when it's a Feather Token, Tree that I had randomly rolled earlier, and it impales the dragon, blows out the ceiling, and lets them escape the deathtrap.

Level 2 party, I think I have them hooked now

>> No.14003296
File: 26 KB, 576x432, Glorious.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14003296

>>14002371

>> No.14003409

>>14003237
so you had them fight a dragon on level 2? with an artifact? isnt that a bit harsh, I mean, what if they want to keep the dragonlance for the lulz? are you just going to say *woops, after working for 400 years it suddenly is an old stick without power because magic isnt a permament thing even though it is*

but the story itself is awesome, especially the *stupid nut!* *crush* *dragon kebab, anyone?* part

>> No.14003437

>>14000449
Thank you.

>> No.14003461

>>14003409

Troll dagger wasn't necessary, using it as a plot hook WAAAAAAY later on (hint, phylactery in a stone golem) was just that the dragon was behind the altar, they didn't even notice it because they were so focused on the loot. Also the lance was essentially just corroded metal, stuck in the dragon as a result of it festering for 400 years in coagulating dragonblood. Left out the small details like that because I was trying to avoid being a tealdeer.

>> No.14003625

>>14000771
What? crazy mods on 4chan/tg/? NOOOOO.... It cannot be!

>> No.14003744

Just because they're lolwut moments doesn't make them bad, just going to tell one of my interesting ones.
>one player is essentially human bear, call her "The Bear"
>discusses with me, the GM, how to acquire a bear pelt in the Zone
>alright, next session you'll encounter a dead/dying bear and the scavengers that have come to pick at it
>use random encounter roll, 100
>use 90+ as an excuse for a weird encounter, throw a chimera and a live bear at them
>players and bear end up working together to fuck chimera's shit up
>players, feeling the bear was deserving of their best efforts to save its life for saving theirs, use up all their medkits and then essentially give Hatchet's Mercs a shit ton of money to borrow their medic
>had a pet bear for a while

>> No.14003768

>>14003744
I should probably mention that the Chimera pretty much killed the bear. But they were pretty determined to save them and rolled some amazing Medicae rolls.

>> No.14003797

>>14000771
This joke was lost on blind eyes >>14003625

>> No.14003831
File: 16 KB, 300x207, gods1.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14003831

>>14000771
Pic related
Also: never trust Jeeps

>> No.14003839

>>13999162
>Sword cuts through anything with no resistance
>Can be disarmed
I BELIEVE YOU

>> No.14003907
File: 8 KB, 320x222, not on boats.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14003907

>>14000010
No, no. What you've been is not on boats.

>> No.14004003
File: 17 KB, 180x104, HAHAHA.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14004003

Mine can before the campaign even fully began, and I'm the DM.

>realize player shave no Navigator
>Roll them up a Navigator
>Pick Shrouded House Lineage and Tainted, Mutant
>Navigator Mutation: Strange Vitality
>Tainted Mutant time!
>Ravaged Body
>Nightsider
>Corrupted Flesh
>Degenerate Mind
>Brute
>Hulking
>23 Wounds
>Woops, I just gave them a Chaos Space Marine as a Navigator

>> No.14004006

>>14001365
You need to flood him with false but believable information.

>> No.14004049

>>14003967
Play him as Steven/Nevets from Deltora.
Reasonable guy, sings a lot, cheerful. When forced into a fighting situation he becomes that... with no self-control.

>> No.14004085

>>14004003
>realize player shave no Navigator
I lol'd massively when reading this line.

>> No.14004112

>>14004003

BEST NAVIGATOR EVAR!!!

What happened to the party and their Alpha Legion Navigator?

>> No.14004113

>>14004085
Well, yes, they certainly don't shave Navigators, but they none of them wanted to play it so I made them one. I didn't intend to allow him on combat missions but fuck me, how often does some one roll up a 23 wounds Navigator?

>> No.14004151

>>14004112
Shit took a break due to tests, but first session went fairly well. They went into a broken down research settlement being sucked into the warp, got cut off from their shuttle, pushed on to the research facility, killed some dudes, Tech-priest made melta and incendiary bombs, rewired some combat servitors, then bombed the fuck out of some daemons while decapitating Chaos sorceror.

Navigator hasn't left his chair yet but probably will for the next session (Geller field disruption, teehee). I've also rolled them up an Ork Painboy for their medic (Since they decided playing medics were for fags as well)

>> No.14004207

Not really a bad story, but an interesting one for me.
>First time playing D&D
>Make a Ranger character
>First quest the party and I go fight some spiders.
>Through the process of the quest I end up wearing a spider corpse and lying my way past spiders and setting a dwarf warlock's beard on fire
>Get a kick ass overpowered crossbow in the treasure room, a gift from the DM since it wasn't a very serious session
>Later on, while riding a ship, I discover that if I roll high enough with the crossbow, I can blow holes in people with bolts.

It was pretty fun while it lasted, best moment of the session was when I pretty much invaded a bandit stronghold alone, held off bandit guards by using their own look out post, and called in the rest of my party while distracting the bandits.

>> No.14004290

>>14004207
>I end up wearing a spider corpse and lying my way past spiders
Will this trick work for any specie?

>> No.14004307

>I end up wearing a spider corpse and lying my way past spiders

Snake!?

>> No.14004474

>I got a that guy who's like Deadpool and this DM with not so great railroad habits.
>Though previous session was awesome.
>Last session.
>Temple Ruins area.
>Narrow pathway, and hall ahead is filled with magic gas.
>Mage identifies it as a toned down Cloudkill.
>We're level 4.
>Navigator NPC only has one gas mask.
>That guy's monk volunteers to go ahead.
>Non-gas path is 5 feet across, gas hallway is 10 feet across.
>He triggers a trap near the end of it.
>Fails saves and gets paralyzed for 8 turns.
>Rest of party thinking of how to get to him.
>I'm playing fighter, so I try to dig through the rubble of other path.
>They slowly think it's better to try digging.
>That guy gets sad that he's ignored, so he says a Deadpool quote which ticks off the DM.
>He was warned before, so now two corpses in the gas halls become zombies.
>Calls for help, again like Deadpool.
>DM: ...the zombies fused together and is now large sized.
>That Guy: Wait what?
>And it has a large wooden maul.
>That Guy: Shutting up now...
>Suddenly, Lizardman DMPC apparently has moss that give air without actually breathing.
>It does have a legitimate reason to have the moss, but I can't help but feel like the DM planned to be a hero.

We did save that guy, but not without him getting damaged for 90+% of his HP.

>> No.14004786

bump

>> No.14004845

Early in my career as a GM I was running an Alternity game set on a backwater planet; very Firefly style thing, basically. It had been a long day, and I was coming down with a cold and managed to lose my notes; I remembered the over-arching plot line, but some of the details were... fuzzy. So, when they got to the town they were supposed to be going to, and I didn't have the notes with the name in front of me, and they didn't remember either since it was like the 10th shit-hole little mining town they'd been to, I said with a big-shit eating grin on my face:

"You bring your land-rover around the bend in the road to reveal a sign welcoming you to OH GOD A HORRIBLE CAR CRASH!"

And then described the scene as someone falling asleep at the wheel and slamming into the welcome sign for the town at around 90 mph and half destroying it.

Found the notes during a break about an hour later, but "Horrible Car Accident" the sleepy village has been a staple joke amongst our group for more then a decade now.

>> No.14004870
File: 28 KB, 320x268, fuuuuuuuuuuuuu.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14004870

>Build Socially dominant character for nWoD with some oWoD flavor (translation guides)
>Actually invest dots into status, contacts, retainer, and allies.
>Have Resources 4 (has nothing to do with aforementioned merits.)
>Other player is playing a Giovanni with Resources 5 but no other real merits.
>I try and use merits I actually bought to get him out of the city so I can claim it for the Invictus.
>He throws money at problems to counteract me.
>I decide to force him into a corner with Allies and status with TF:V
>He has "friends" (DMPCs) who pays twice what I would and they decide to kill me.
>DMPC was Caine, Seth and Abel
>MFW

>> No.14004889

>>14004845

To clarify; the crashed car belonged to an NPC and didn't do any PC's any harm,

>> No.14004969

>>14002760
>and looked really evil (there was a picture in the book that showed it with spikes and all that stuff)

A spy? A spy has a job that requires him to be inconspicuous. A wondering fortune teller or something like that. not a cart with a big neon "I'm so evil and so vampire I shit bats" sign.

Maybe one small detail giving him away, like travelling with a coffin or never seen in the light of day, that cold look in his eyes that sends a chill down your spine.

An American spy won't be travelling across Communist Russia with an American flag on his car.

>> No.14005031

>>14004870
forgot to mention that I've been int eh city for 50 years (Santa Monica) the other guy had been here for 20ish.

and what the fuck are Cain, Seth, and Abel doing in Santa Monica?

>> No.14005116

>>14005031
Burning. Burning in the California sun.

>> No.14005234
File: 11 KB, 200x127, 12505345626.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14005234

>>14005031
I cunt speel tonight.

Here is another one from my character BEFORE that happened.
>Build mad scientist malkavian. Never played a malkavian before and had never seen one that wasn't a cutesy fishmalk.
>Only person to write an actual backstory.
>Because I wrote a backstory, I become the focus of the game but I don't want to be and I begin to get railroaded hard. Can't go into certain rooms because of ghouls with Dominate 6 and stupid shit.
>4 sessions in I'm bonked over the head, dragged to the sewers and wake up in some crazy ass tunnels.
>Have to deal with rest of group trying to find me in the sewers and eventually come across a Nos who is completely mad also but has taken my life's work and completed it in the 2 days since he has broken into my lab.
>The only driving goal of my character was to continue improving his formula until it was perfect and subjected mankind into being superhuman in almost any necessary capacity for survival (Physicallys and mentally specifically)
>Leave for 1 session. Come back to find out I had my haven, that has security 5, broken into and while I was hiding with 6 successes, the Nos who hates people with Auspex, but doesn't have it, snuck up on me and staked me with 9 successes and then diablerized me.
>MFW

>> No.14005322

>>14005234
>>14005031
>>14004870

Jesus fuck. Your ST is a chundering thundercunt.

>> No.14005350

>>14002091
>Dwarf Fortress Quest
I'm not on my home computer, so I don't have my reaction images, but I would probably go with
>thisisthebestthingever.jpeg

>> No.14005378

>>14005322
Well the game ends tomorrow but I can't make it because of work so I don't really care. I haven't played in 3 weeks. A new game is going to be starting up with a different DM which will likely be shit too. He favors combat games and I really don't want to play combat anymore but regardless. He wan'ts to run a game based around the Covenant VII in the year 1154 in Constantinople.

The only redeemable thing about this game is the ST is very bribe-able so I can give him smokes for experience and shit. My character already has 200 xp and I'm supposed to be a neonate at BP 1 (I was born in 140, but have been in and out of torpor so many times I don't remember most of anything). So yeah bookworm that's been around forever that is part of VII should be great fun.

>> No.14005489

>>14004290
Works on humans, I do it all the time. Heck! I'm doing it right now!

>> No.14005511

>>14005234
D:

We had a player free a Pride demon in exchange for revenge on another player.

It gets worse, the demon was entombed in a Church, so next time we stopped in the church the offending player was paralyzed while the pact maker shot him to death.

My character, who was a paroled ex-con, resultantly got to watch his step brother brutally murder a cop in the middle of a church. And then found out that his brother had also promised the aforementioned demon its freedom. So I freaked out and just tried to get away as the ST faded to black.

Why did he kill him? Because the cop had intentionally put the guys wife and kid in the hands of a Cult as a desperate attempt to force him into helping the cop hunt down the cult.

>And then I told the story to /tg/ ... poorly

>> No.14005546

>>14005378
>200xp

>WoD

The hell?

You don't even need to try to break the system with that much xp, it's gonna break itself.

>> No.14005557

>>14005322
He also likes to institute houserules for his favorite player (the other ST) and his own NPCs that aren't available to the PCs. If I'm not 100% on target with my wording whne I use Mesmerize, it fucks up and the person knows what just happened. I'm also unable to have any nonclan or bloodline disciplines that weren't taught to me and if I diablerize someone I can't gain their bloodline disciplines, his NPCs can. One of them is a Ravnos with Chimistry 5, Domus 5, Gilded Cage 5, Dominate 3, Animalism 5, Malpominy 5, Blood Teneborous 5 and Essentiaphagia 5. And we are supposed to be able to deal with this guy. None of us have more than 60 xp.

>> No.14005584

>>14005546
Most of it ends up being stuff that is unlocked as I go on and gain my memories back from Fog of Ancients.

>> No.14005620

>>14005557
...

I'm... I'm sorry man. That's not how WoD is meant to be played. I mean, I'm not one to say that someone's having badwrongfun. But that just sounds badwrong.

And WoD can be such a fun system too...

>> No.14005704

>>14004870
>>14000011

It's fucking hilarious that shitty ST's always bill their game as being all dialoguey or politicky or stealthy and then it's hurr durr combat mary-sues.

Meanwhile, MY first time ST billed our game as "Anything goes", we then demanded to play Ashwood Abbey, and he agreed, on the condition that we roll our characters as Status 0 cronies and catspaws.

Our characters were thus:

Washed up B-Movie star, Ronald Grimmson(Alexis)
(PCM, CPM, Fame 1(Youtube channel, old movies), Professional Training(Artist) 2, Meditative Mind(He just doesn't let shit get him down), Resources 3

Iraq War Veteran, Alec Montag(Dave)
(PMC, PCM, Status 1(Hometown Hero), Professional Training(Soldier) 3, Mentor 1(Competitor), Resources 2.

The Sheriff's Son, David Kirks(Me)
(MCP, MPC, Allies(Cops) 2, Professional Training(Academic) 1(College faculty), Mentor 1(Dad), All Seeing Eye 1(Dash-Cams), Status:The Pursuit 1(Justified. Voyeuristic fuck.), Cache 1(Old, rusty-ass filing cabinets)

Eventually, we discovered that the Bullock family, long-time political heavyweights in our county had a mass-grave on his property, and that he'd been feeding people into a bottomless pit.We confronted him at the Abbey chapterhouse on his property, killed him in view of all of the members(after providing evidence), forged his will, and brought his bastard son into the fold.

Unfortunately, the kid is hearing voices, and inbred mutants are trying to kill us now.

>> No.14005711

>>14005557
Get a new gaming group. That's just wrong.

>> No.14005721

>Playing D&D
>DM is known for rail roading
> Come into obvious trap room in dungeon
> Raiders of the Lost Ark style trap
> Grabbing item will kill whoever grabs it by crushing
>Supposed to set up some bullshit plot point
>Throw stuff at treasure
>It is stuck on some sort of knob
>DM is begging us to go pick it up.
>We tie together our equipment
>Make long pole like instrument
>Use it to get leverage and lift off the treasure
> Trap goes off
>No one dies
>DM is mad

>> No.14005722
File: 60 KB, 1203x423, Guy PWNS shit DM.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14005722

>>14000449
Saved for future ages.

You, sir, have gone the impossible and did TWO full Hendersons worth of derailment. Good job!

>> No.14005769

>>14005557
>>14005378
Yeah, I'd be outta there. I'd gladly take FOREVER ALONE over that shit.

>> No.14005821
File: 408 KB, 640x480, 1296159254798.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14005821

>>14005704

Hello Eric. I'm glad to see that you've been enjoying my game.

You neglected to mention that the recordings caused everyone who heard them to drop out of the Abbey.

>> No.14005847

>>14005722
you must screencap the whole story man

>> No.14005866
File: 54 KB, 581x307, 1296105827940.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14005866

>Something so horrible that it makes members of the Abbey go "Man, this is fucked up".

>> No.14005895
File: 85 KB, 500x400, 1259458884751.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14005895

>>14005866

>> No.14005926
File: 10 KB, 400x300, me_bxf2whqlgj1.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14005926

>4e
>"I charge the enemy"
>"You can't, it isn't a straight line"
>"It's diagonal, but it's still a straight line"
>"if it isn't a cardinal direction, you can't charge."

>> No.14005956

>>14005821

Everyone ELSE, you mean.

>> No.14005986
File: 54 KB, 605x654, YOU ARE DESTINY.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14005986

>>13999949

It shouldn't have even been GLADoS.

It should have been fucking Durandal.

>> No.14006148

>>14005926
WOW, just WOW.
remember that next time a DMPC tries to do that. Also you can shoot spells and arrows only in 4 directions.

>> No.14006725

>>14006148

Wizard Shot the Food.

>> No.14007410
File: 481 KB, 141x141, johnwooapproves.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14007410

>>14000449
Sir, you have my respect and admiration. That is, without a doubt, one of the most glorious 'how I dealt with a bad DM' tales I have ever read. Hold your head high and be proud, my good man.

>> No.14007717

bump

>> No.14007782
File: 36 KB, 220x1066, 1271408532464.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14007782

>>14002323
>>14002566
>>14002760

...You sound like an awesome GM, mate. In fact. Your sessions sound like how mine tend to turn out.

Thumbs up for you.

My only suggestion to your style would to not use the random encounter chart as much. For moments like that cockatrice, yes. But you should practice at least having a general idea of what the group is going to run into.

>> No.14008329

>>14007782
That's what region-appropriate RECs are for.

>> No.14009342
File: 37 KB, 300x400, you-should-kill-yourself--4004_preview.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] [report]
14009342

>>14005620
Waking back up and posting again before work.

Yeah, I know. I've never been able to play in a WoD game that didn't devolve into extremely petty (more so than usual) backstabbing and whining by the ST's Girlfriend or a combat combat combat game.

Here's another good one, involving that malkavian I built.
>Finish building backstory, ST loves it and says he really likes it.
>build my character, get 10xp from burning off humanity and put 1 dot in Status (Cam) and the other 6 in haven; 1 size, 5 security.
>Haven is small basement in old abandoned Sanitarium.
>Drop my extra dots from Cam status 1 (we used the variant where you get 2 dots in a couple of different things) in Have size to bring up to 3.
>Start first session.
>Attacked by ghosts in my haven that were never mentioned prior, despite the fact that I have lived here since 1980, when it was completely abandoned.
>ST suprised when I get pissed that I've been living in a haunted haven that hates me for the last 30 years without him telling me prior to the first 5 minutes of game as I'm being harassed by the ghost of Abel.
>Realize how much I still have VtM.
>MFW

>> No.14009742

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