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[ERROR] No.13537989 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

Dear Abby,

Our party barbarian is a nudist. She refuses to dress properly during our travels or even when we are walking about a village or city looking for work. It is terribly distracting, but she doesn't seem to realize the faux-pas of her (lack of) attire. She just says that being nude is different from being naked and that she is not naked. How do I get her to put on some pants and a half-decent tunic without getting chopped in half or losing her as a comrade (and as a solid thing between me and the horrors we face in the wilderness and dungeons)?

- Flustered in Faerun

>> No.13538015

Is she furry?

>> No.13538022

Looking at that photo, did that chick kill her childhood friend/sibmate? And is now wearing her like a fucking coat?

HUMANITY FUCK YEAH!

>> No.13538064

Flustered in Faerun,

Have you considered having a wizard use illusion magic to help cover her up where it counts? If not, buy her a pretty dress as a token of friendship and act sad if she doesn't wear it.

>> No.13538090

>>13538015
She is very much human. As far as I can tell. Well, except for being exceptionally large and menacing in that she-can-break-me-in-half-by-accident sort of way. Could have Orc blood in her for all I know.

>> No.13538097

>>13537989
Im not gonna read your post, biat all I can tell is you need ot get yousrlsea a g/e/d/ and a hon.

also you wannab see my balls?

>> No.13538127

Dear Abby,

No matter what I do, I can't seem to keep that "fresh molt" sheen that all the human musicians go crazy for. Just a day or two after buffing my exoskeleton all the dust and sand scuffs it up to the point that it's like I did nothing to it at all. It's good that I can at least shine up for a date, but I want to look my best all the time and I just can't keep up. What's a girl to do?

- Dull-finished in the Desert

>> No.13538144

>>13538097
>Wasteland Warrior
>Obviously drunk
>showing off balls

Take a shower and get some coffee minus the irish part inside you, you lush.

>> No.13538157

>>13538022

According to the artist's DA:

>Her name is Ashar and she's a half gnoll. The gnoll with her is her brother, Gwar.

So that's probably just a hyena pelt. Also, she's not a human.

>> No.13538159

original
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/12995878/

>> No.13538163

>>13538144
>Wasteland Warrior
>being Wasteland Warrior

>> No.13538167

>>13538144

ilve thad enoug of hoyyr hioppy shit, why dont yu get a g.e.d. and a hijb>?

>> No.13538177

Like all things in D&D, all problems can be solved in one of two ways - either with brute force or, in this case, magic.
>>13537989
Ever read "The Emperor's New Clothes"? Get the nearest wizard to find a way to enchant some leather armor in a way that when it's worn, it becomes invisible yet retains all its armor bonuses.
>>13538127
Prestidigitation. All day, every day. 'Nuff said.

>> No.13538203

>>13538177
But I'm psionic!

>> No.13538214

>>13538167
See what I mean? Sober up you god damn drunk.
>>13538163
At least he was coherent before. I can handle blitzed, smashed and going "HEEERRRPPPPP DDDDEEERRRPPP haha" is only showing me how far my idols can fall. It's like Elvis --> Bloated, washed up Elvis just before he heads to the throne to shoot up again, for the last time.

>> No.13538234

>>13538167

What the hell is a hijb? Does he mean a hijab?

>> No.13538260

>>13538234
I would venture he meant "job."

>> No.13538277

>>13538203
Well, you say you're interested in musicians? Bards tend to know how to cast Prestidigitation, so you'll just need to polish yourself up all nice and seduce one. Since they're a notoriously xenophillic lot it shouldn't be too difficult.

You could even work a nightly carapace-polishing into your evening foreplay!

>> No.13538282

>>13537989
DEAR FLUSTERED IN FAERUN,

TAKE YOUR BARBARIAN ON A VACATION TO THE NUDE BEACHES OF AXXSHAR'NHALGN, LOCATED CONVENIENTLY NEAR TO THE TIDE-SWEPT POOLS THAT FORM THE GATEWAY TO THE STYGIAN DARKNESS OF THE ABYSSAL DEEPS. IF YOU PURCHASE THE PREMIUM TOUR PACKAGE, A PERMANENT COATING OF SLIME AND ICHOR GUARANTEED TO OBSCURE ANY DETAILS OF HER UNPLEASANTLY HUMANOID FORM IS INCLUDED FREE OF CHARGE. SINCE YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELVES AS ADVENTURERS, HOWEVER, MONEY IS LIKELY A CONCERN; I THEREFORE SUGGEST YOU ACCOMPANY HER ON THE EXCURSION AND THUS AVAIL YOURSELVES OF THE COUPLES DISCOUNT. OR BRING YOUR ENTIRE PARTY ALONG, AND BECOME ELIGIBLE FOR GROUP RATES.

SINCERELY YOURS,

ABBY

>>13538127
DEAR DULL-FINISHED IN THE DESERT,

IN ADDITION TO ITS LOVELY BEACHES, ITS ACTIVE VOLCANOES, AND ITS BLOOD-SPATTERED TEMPLES FULL OF TREASURE AND THE CORPSES OF WANDERING ARCHAEOLOGISTS, AXXSHAR'NHALGN HAS SPAS CATERING TO SENTIENT SPECIES OF ALL SHAPES, SIZES AND LEVEL ADJUSTMENTS. FOR YOUR CONDITION, I RECOMMEND THE MUCOUS RUB FOLLOWED BY A PLEASING SOAK IN ONE OF OUR MANY SALT AND CHLORINE FREE WHIRLPOOLS. AFTER JUST ONE SESSION, I GUARANTEE THAT YOU WILL NEVER FIND REASON TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ABOUT THE LUSTER OF YOUR CRUNCHY EXOSKELETON AGAIN.

SINCERELY YOURS,

ABBY

>> No.13538289

Dear FiN;

Sometimes we have to accept that adventurers are exceptional. While we could hope that they would all respect social norms, we do -have- to accept that they aren't really bound by them.

Let your barbarian's freak flag fly, and the best way to get someone to embrace something is to set an example. Try to tempt her with clothes that are practical and stylish.

Abby.

>> No.13538293

Hey WW, thanks for letting me live at your house
for six months in exchange for that case of grain alcohol I gave you. It was totally worth it, wasn't it?

>> No.13538313

>>13538282

Abby is short the nickname of an aboleth scam artist.

themoreyouknow.jpg

>> No.13538343

>>13538293
GAH! DAMN YOU! I'D THOUGHT I'D FINALLY MANAGED TO FORGET THAT MANGA!

>> No.13538353

>>13538293

gasgras or ass, an i dont smokem no pot no more, an I have gasoline so you ette get yoused to daily anal puondings.

youfaggot

>> No.13538371

>>13538343
Well, at least they're not SLOWLY COMING THIS WAY.

>> No.13538394

>>13538282
DEAR READERS OF THIS COLUMN,

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT THE ILLUMINATION PROVIDING THE HEADER FOR MY WORDS OF WISDOM WAS MISTAKENLY OMITTED FROM THE LATEST INSTALLMENT. THE NEWLY PROMOTED COPY EDITOR WISHES TO INFORM YOU THAT WE SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR THE MISTAKE, AND THAT IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. THE FORMER COPY EDITOR WISHES TO INFORM YOU THAT HE WAS QUITE DELICIOUS WHEN SERVED WITH A TWIST OF LEMON. THE FORGOTTEN DEPICTION OF MY MAGNIFICENT VISAGE IS INCLUDED WITH THIS CORRECTION.

YOURS SINCERELY,

ABBY

>> No.13538395

>>13538371
Is this the same one with ZOMBIE LANDSHARK?

>>13538353
>It's only gay if you take it, not give it out.
That stopped being an excuse years ago, Uncle WW. Stop drinking and fapping to your transgendered porn.

>> No.13538445

DEAR DISGUSTING LIMBED UNDER-EYED HEAP OF SICKENING FLESH:

PEOPLE KEEP PLOTTING AGAINST ME AND TRYING TO KILL ME OR STEAL SOME OF MY MANY, MANY POSSESSIONS

I ALWAYS DESTROY THEM OF COURSE AS I AM A PERFECT BEING UNRELENTINGLY SUPREME AND SUBLIME IN EVERY WAY BUT THERE ARE ALWAYS IRRITATING CONSEQUENCES

I CANNOT PETRIFY ANY MORE ADVENTURERS, MY LAWN IS FUCKING LOUSY WITH STATUES NOW

IF I DISINTEGRATE THEM THEN THEY COVER MY FLOOR WITH DUST AND I DETEST SWEEPING

CHARMING THEM MAKES THEM GO AWAY, SURE, BUT THEY JUST COME BACK IN GREATER NUMBERS

DWARVES ARE HIGH IN CHOLESTEROL

WHAT DO I DO?

-ANNOYED GLORIOUS SPHERE-BEING OF PERFECT VISION

>> No.13538481

>>13538395
>>13538395


NUO

>> No.13538511

>>13538481

>> No.13538516

>>13538159
I am reading all of these in Best Friend Tabitha's voice.

>> No.13538530

>>13538481

>> No.13538556

>>13538530

no you saee a gnneltment who ois of the highnest claiber


als dMNIT gbollvard, you hoyuljnt of odne that he way jist a byp

>> No.13538557

Dear Abby,

I'm a Drow who has fled to the surface to escape the cruel ways of my people. I'm having trouble finding work as an adventurer, however, because every time I try to join a party, they call me a Drizzt wannabe and then usually beat me up and/or mug me. How can I make a good first impression?

- D(r)own on his luck

>> No.13538573

>>13538556
Nope, no gentlemen, just a drunken slob. Also, try again there buddy, the internet and your shitty taste in booze made that last bit not understandable.

>> No.13538575

>>13538445
DEAR ANNOYED GLORIOUS SPHERE-BEING OF PERFECT VISION,

CLEARLY THE ONLY REASONABLE SOLUTION TO YOUR PREDICAMENT IS TO LOCATE THE NEAREST COLONY OF ILLITHIDS AND ENSLAVE THEM TO SERVE YOU, THEN RELOCATE YOUR POSSESSIONS THERE AND ALLOW THEM TO DO THE WORK OF TIDYING UP AFTER THE LATEST PARTY OF ADVENTURES TO PRESENT THEMSELVES FOR PETRIFICATION AND/OR DEVOURING.

I ALSO RECOMMEND YOU CONTACT THE NEAREST SCULPTOR'S GUILD AND INQUIRE AS TO WHETHER THEY MIGHT DISPOSE OF EXCESS STATUARY FOR YOU.

AND THE SECRET TO DWARVES IS TO ALLOW THEM TO PICKLE IN THEIR OWN BLOOD ALCOHOL CONTENT FOR A DAY OR SO PRIOR TO CONSUMPTION. AVOID THE LIVER, THOUGH.

YOURS SINCERELY,

DEAR ABOLETH

>> No.13538588

>>13538573

gbollbard shoulnd done that

he was just a boy

>> No.13538619

>>13538588
Much better. Now go sober up. <3

>> No.13538654

DEAR D(R)OWN ON HIS LUCK,

IN YOUR NOM DE PLUME YOU WILL FIND THE SOLUTION TO YOUR PREDICAMENT. SIMPLY LOCATE THE NEAREST INKY BLACK TIDEPOOL ENTRANCE TO THE STYGIAN ABYSSAL DEEPS, CAST YOURSELF IN, AND SWIM DOWNWARD. A REPRESENTATIVE WILL BE THERE TO CONDUCT AN INTRODUCTORY EVALUATION SHORTLY, AFTER WHICH YOUR IMAGE WILL BE GIVEN A THOROUGH OVERHAUL AS BEFITS YOUR DESIRE TO MAKE A BETTER FIRST IMPRESSION ON ADVENTURING PARTIES IN THE FUTURE.

YOURS SINCERELY,

ABBY

>> No.13538755

Dear Abby,
I have been tasked to catch a party who have been travelling through time and changing events.
The problem is each time I catch up with them, they open another wormhole. On last count there were 10 iterations of the group on the Prime Material Plane alone. How do I stop them from ripping apart the timestream forever?
-Quarut with a Quandry

>> No.13538853

Dear Abby,
Being a skeleton is hard. Especially when you have a horned skull. Add to that that I'm being chased by clerics, both good and evil, so that they can kill me or bend me to their whims. I keep getting flashbacks from my life and I don't think I liked being controlled, and I'm sure I hated the feeling of dying.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

- Dead and Depressed

>> No.13538909

>>13538853

Dear D&D,

Invest in an item that will protect you from the cleric's abilities to destroy or control you. I've heard good things about the Rings of Protect Good, or Evil.

- The Letter Interceptor

>> No.13538929

>>13538755
DEAR QUARUT WITH A QUANDARY,

AS I RECALL, YOU DID SO BY ASKING YOUR QUESTION. THE ADVENTURERS TRAVELED TO THE MOMENT OF MY BIRTH IN ORDER TO PREVENT ME FROM ANSWERING IT. THE WARFORGED IS CURRENTLY DOING AN ADMIRABLE JOB OF KEEPING MY ABODE TIDY AND ITS SLIME COAT EVENLY SPREAD. THE REST OF THEM WERE DIVIDED EVENLY AMONGST THE GUESTS AT MY BIRTHING FESTIVITIES. FORTUNATELY, THERE WERE ENOUGH ITERATIONS OF THE ADVENTURERS TO GO AROUND. MORE THAN ENOUGH. AT LEAST ONE OR TWO SERVINGS OF THE CASSEROLE HAVE MADE THE ROUNDS AT EVERY ONE OF OUR BIRTHING CELEBRATIONS SINCE.

AS THEIR ONLY LINGERING ANCHORS WERE YOUR OWN UNCERTAINTY, THE PARADOXES SHOULD THEREFORE RESOLVE THEMSELVES WHEN THIS COLUMN GOES TO PRESS.

YOURS SINCERELY,

ABBY

>> No.13538973

Dear AGSBOPV:

You mentioned Charm, have you considered Charming the intruders into dealing with your statue problem?
The only other solution I can think of is to trap them so that they may fight and kill each other for your amusement, but that could be a significant undertaking.

>> No.13539140

Dear Abby,
My party and I have been forced to cross a massive desert. While doing so, we have met several traveling desert nomads with a quandary that unfortunately now involves us.
You see, some time ago a ghoul managed to infect an entire village. Something, perhaps a particularly bored lich, has decided to keep them in a large feral pack and directs them to the other mobile villages.
They now number in the thousands and I fear they will inevitably descend upon us no matter where in the desert we may flee, and I'd rather avoid catching the ghoul rot. Leaving the desert is, sadly, not an option presently.

How does one stop the zombocalypse in an area with no fortifications?!

Sincerely, Wasteland Warrior

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