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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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[ERROR] No.12900190 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

This is Dostov, a coconut crab whom, through a series of magical and/or mutagenic accidents has developed super-intelligence. It can only communicate in fluent Russian and has a burning, insatiable hatred for humanity. It follows you because it thinks your adventures can further it's plot for world domination, coconuts, and torturing pretty women.

>> No.12900199


>> No.12900204

Well he sounds like a bro. What now?

>> No.12900206

For D&D purposes, he is chaotic evil, and enjoys tagging along with good parties

For Dark Heresy/Rogue trader, he is a manifestation of the laughing god.

What do?

>> No.12900207


>> No.12900208

Well I like all those things as well!

>> No.12900212

Hi Dostov!

>> No.12900215


Make him my second in command.

>Our haranced

>> No.12900221

lol crowbar

>> No.12900223

So we have awesome adventures.

"Dostov, take the helm!"
[crab chittering noises]

>> No.12900227

This is Dostov's Atlas Moth love interest, not that he'd ever admit it.

>> No.12900228

Evil you say?

Let me warm up my smite.

>> No.12900230

As second in command, he begins, one by one, disassembling (messily) your tech-priests. When questioned, he states that he wanted to be sure that their epidermis was working properly.

>> No.12900231

Enlightening manifesto, comrade.

>> No.12900237


I see no problem with this.

I award him with a hedron.

>taming Foaning

>> No.12900241

Wouldn't you, if she consistently ignored the seas and participated in the perversion of flight?

>> No.12900242

Privet dostov, ya rad bit tvoyim tovarisham vetem attacke na zemle.

>> No.12900246

>It follows you because it thinks your adventures can further it's plot for world domination, coconuts, and torturing pretty women.
. . . I like you, Dostov. Perhaps we can come to an agreement that benefits us both.

>> No.12900252

He collides it, and divides by zero. There is now a singularity forming on your bridge.

>> No.12900260

Come, Dostov! We shall bring doom upon the apethings! Ia Dagon!

>> No.12900269

Dostov likes this idea, apething. he twiddles his pincers maliciously

>> No.12900272


hedron, not a hadron!

>> No.12900274

I pinch.

>> No.12900278

This is Rene, a flying ant widow whom, after stinging and killing a wizard gained magic power and intelligence because of it. Her life ambition is to be a singer, but finding work is hard. Must be a conspiracy by those record companies! She follows you because she thinks your adventures would look good on her college resume.

>> No.12900284



>projects. uppeacks

>> No.12900295

Freeform roleplaying. Ah, what the hell. I used to roleplay on AOL, back when I had a seemingly terminal case of The Dumb. It's currently in remission, or at least it seems to be. Anyway, I had been observing one of the chat rooms for a while, trying to decide what kind of character I'd try to play to best fit in with the setting and the players that had already gathered.

As far as the eye could see, it was just god-level characters. One had telekinesis and some kind of prescience. Thief characters would probably be killed off by this guy before they had a chance to steal anything. Another was "the best spell-caster in the world," with the side-power of being able to cast spells by just thinking about them. Well, that eliminates being able to play as a bumbling mage. Yet another was a fifth Generation Malkavian that seemed to have the curious ability to use people's profiles to his advantage. Anything you wrote in there, the player would grant his character knowledge of, and the character would act accordingly. Irritating, but I guess it was creative enough.

The characters that paraded through were each trying to have dark and mysterious pasts, but were too busy trying to enthrall each other to listen to one another's story.

But then someone entered as a crab. A crab that smoked cigars. A crab that drank martinis. A crab whose name was apparently "James Bond."

>> No.12900296

Sorry, Dostov's english is poor, and he doesn't know the difference. The singularity is rapidly growing and is starting to consume one of the servitors

>> No.12900299

I don't fear anything that much smaller and weaker than me. Especially if it doesn't have hands. Anything I can easily finish off with a sledgehammer can be dealt with. Besides, I could sell him to a Russian zoo. I would probably make a shit load of money too. As long as I warned them to keep a good eye on the little bastard, I would be relatively safe. (In any event, I will make sure to live somewhere where I can have Terriers, and Peacocks. And no trouble with having a Shotgun beside my bed.)

>> No.12900304

Excellent! We must first track down the dread tome itself, the Necronomicon. Within are unhallowed rites we can use to destroy that which walks upon dry land!

>> No.12900306

Understand, I had planned to join this. I did. But when this crab entered, the place was immediately and irrevocably altered. The spell-caster didn't like that the crab was smoking, and attempted to put the cigar out by blasting it with water. James Bond's player's response was that it didn't make sense for a crab to have cigars that wouldn't work underwater. The mage was stymied.

The crab then revealed that it could speak, and did so, uttering the words "I pinch." The telekinetic/prescient one was then grabbed in the pincers of the crab. Apparently, he didn't see it coming, because the player accepted the action and acted accordingly. He telekinetically lifted the crab and dramatically demanded to know what the fuck he thought he was doing.

"I pinch," spoke James Bond, blowing a crabby smokering into the face of the psychic.

Then the Malkavian spoke up. "His name is Bond. James Bond." I checked the crab's profile. That was all that was written.

>> No.12900309

Dostov thinks you will be the first up against the wall when the revolution comes, you filthy biped.

>> No.12900324

The antics continued, and all I could do was watch. The psychic desperately tried to get the attention off of James Bond by changing the subject. The attempt failed when the crab whipped out a tiny martini kit and began mixing a drink for himself. The mage tried, oh so very hard, to thwart this attempt by setting fire to the martini with a magical spark. The crab stoically blew the fire out and drank it, saying unto her, "Delicious." The Malkavian tried to confuse the crab with his dementia. The crab nodded along with him, adding one or two words where it deemed appropriate, and continued to wreak social havoc with the supposedly all-powerful characters as if nothing had happened.

When told of the psychic's traumatic and dark past of being locked away in an insane asylum for having hallucinations that seemed to almost always come true, followed by his daring escape, with guns blazing and syringes jabbed into the throats of hospital workers and explosions all around, James Bond smoked his cigar, then replied "Very exciting."

At which point the other two tried their DAMNEDEST to impress this crab in the same way.

Before the end of the night, the crab had singlehandedly derailed the roleplaying. The mage was pregnant with the child of the psychic, who, despite being male, carried the child of the Malkavian, albeit with a little help from the vengeful mage. The crab suggested it. The bar had been completely destroyed, after the crab said that the alcohol in it sucked. The psychic did it for him.

I'd never seen that much chaos from a single, simple character before. I left the chat at six in the morning, having learned a lesson.

>> No.12900327

Dostov thinks that the old ones are probably not that interested in useless fleshy pink things who are so dumb as to not protect their vital organs under an armored shell... so sucking the skin off of them seems like a good idea, so long as you are first.

>> No.12900343

Whoa whoa whoa... My family hails from Innsmouth. Scales are close enough, right?

>> No.12900360

Better, but you still have the selfishness and untrustworthy nature that comes with having a spinal cord. Dostov probably will spare you for now.

>> No.12900372

To Arkham!

>> No.12900386

Dostov James Bond the Crab's nemesis.

>> No.12900398

Dostov will drive.

>> No.12900404

I'm taking this, if you don't mind.

>> No.12900427

Hey non-russians, you are terrible at coming up with ruskie names. Just sayin'.

>> No.12900430

Fine, if you say so...

>> No.12900445


Hell yeah, fucking with the freeform RPers.

I was in a freeform RP briefly. I left the same time the other reasonable person did.

Every other fucking person in this thing was some sort of final fantasy ripoff or something. I was Jhaet, the big guy with a mace. My nemesis (the other reasonable person) was an android with a pistol. We had one glorious fight in a runaway transport, and then the whole RP was shit after that.

>> No.12900454

Fucking lol'ing. Oh god I'm going to wake someone up.

>> No.12900457

Dostov is not russian. he is a crab you brainless land-ape

While driving to your destination, it becomes clear that Dostov cannot depress the accelerator and steer at the same time. You must do one or the other, and face the terror of a large human-hating crab down in between your legs, or in your lap.
Chose, but choose wisely.

>> No.12900472

I guess I'll man the pedals, then, while Dostov steers.

>> No.12900496

Dostov is a crab you foolish land-dwelling mammal, not a cow.

>> No.12900503

No, I mean you take control of the steering wheel.

>> No.12900517

rolled 39 = 39

доброе утро Dostov вы готовые для того чтобы встретить день

>> No.12900520

Oh. Well. of course that's what you meant.

Did you need that trachea?

>> No.12900533

good morning to you too.

>> No.12900555

I use that to breathe, Dostov. Please, let go of my neck.

>> No.12900633

Silly jaw using chordate, using an exposed tube to breathe.

So how exactly do you intend on awakening the old ones from an asylum? or did you intend on checking in?

>> No.12900656

Nice translator, link me to it?

>> No.12900665

No, you see, I intend to
a) Stop by Arkham U and pick up the Necronomicon they have somewhere, by means of a particulary violent shootout
b) Take a quick trip to the Asylum and free my cousin, as well as several cultists. We could use the meat-shields.

>> No.12900720

...your letting a human hating, world domination obsessed arthropod handle the necronomicon.

By the way, watch your back, slow witted, non-eyestalked, warm blooded placental.

>> No.12900734

Of course I am. I cannot think of a better owner of the Necronomicon than Dostov.

>> No.12900759

>> No.12900792


>> No.12900852

rolled 34 = 34

here you go...


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