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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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[ERROR] No.12060603 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

ITT: Quotes from your gaming sessions.

>> No.12060626

Roll those bones screen monkey! - A short lived and over excitable player seconds before character death.

>> No.12060639

DO you think he has a plan, or is he just making it up as he goes along? -Said by one player to a player with lucky rolls.

>> No.12060646

"Wait a minute. Of all the plans presented tonight, we're seriously taking the one suggested by the 4 foot self-admitted witch in ruffles and striped socks? Please tell me the collective Council hasn't lost its' goddamn mind."

>> No.12060652

"We're fighting a zombie dragon full of satan bees to go kill a vampire shogun. The party consists of a ninja priest, a druid samurai, and an evil monk. You guys realize this is the coolest shit ever, right?"

>> No.12060660

I'm hiding in orcs and firing at that shadow next round.

Fumbles the Rogue. Enjoys honey wine and fine song.

>> No.12060664

"Bitch please, you cannot buy me out! I rich more than you weigh!"

"Okay. So here's the plan... first we shave ourselves."
"Wait what?!"
"What is this, I don't even..."
"No no no! Hold on, lemme explain the rest. Okay I got nothing."

>> No.12060667

You don't roll dice when you cast Magic Missile.

Colossal Incest.

>> No.12060668

frickin' 4.0...

>> No.12060682

Monk fighting a gelatinous cube.
DM rules that every time he hits it, he automatically gets stuck and has to make an ungodly strength check to remove himself because quite frankly, the DM is an ass.
He also had a knack for making us fight groups of enemies that made no sense. In this case, a room full of goblins and one gelatinous cube.

Monk: I punch it with my right hand.
DM: Fine, your arm gets stuck.
Monk: I punch it with my left hand
DM: ...And your left hand gets stuck
Monk: I grapple the cube, and bodyslam it into the nearest goblin.
DM: ...

Que the monk running around smashing and dissolving goblins with a gelatinous cube. Our cleric used most of his spells for that day healing him so his arms wouldn't fall off, though.

>> No.12060683

So tell us why you never told us you were doppl- changelings.

No body ever tells warforged anything, they are on the bottom of the adventuring totem po- ohhhh. But not you, we tell you everything.

>> No.12060690

"Oh god, it's an evil linux server isn't it?"

>> No.12060693

Negative. That would be a 3.5 game.

>> No.12060701

"I stick my dick in the half-eaten lady's mouth."
Oh, the joys of All Flesh Must Be Eaten. I stepped out and locked the door behind me, just in time to not witness a dickeating zombie.

>> No.12060709

"... Uh... 77."

The DM pores over her table for a long moment, and then looks up, saying in a deadpan, "Mekka's arm becomes a giant penis."

The group: "Awesome."

>> No.12060711

how did you get 4e out of that?

>> No.12060712



>> No.12060718

"The daemon begins to devour your soul. Roll Endurance."

spoiler: everyone failed, tpk, everyone goes home sad

>> No.12060725

"I come out of the closet."

>> No.12060726

because it sounded lame

>> No.12060728

"I throw a Hallucinogen grenade at the monster."
"You hit him, the Pit-thing flaps its arms and jumps in your general direction. It lands on you."

>> No.12060735

Same monk later breaks both of his hands trying to punch an iron golem dead, then gets the bright idea to grapple it while wielding a portable hole.
Said portable hole was later used to drop said iron golem on its master. Shit was cash.

>> No.12060738

In a room with two naked bodies that had been totally massacred.

Bard: "Is there anything to loot?"
DM: "No. Just the naked people."
Bard: "Fine. I take the guys dick."
DM: "...O...k... You put his dick in your bag."
Bard: "Dude, I was just joking..."
DM: "Too late, you have a dead man's phallus in your bag. It's only now you realize you've placed it on your rations."

>> No.12060755


>> No.12060756

"Stand back as i smite the foes with the wrath of the Omnissiah!"

And i blew up half of the airship we were flying on, crashing us into a sea of acid and pollution, killing the whole party

>> No.12060763

"So, we started out with 30 of us. And now there are 4. One is deaf, and was foolish enough to throw aside his weapon, one nearly ran from merely being shot, one might be warp-damned and likely to break into a heretical rage and kill us all, and myself. The light of the Emperor truely shines upon us today."

>> No.12060774

What game is this?

>> No.12060779

"It can't hurt to look."

Said in a Call of Cthulhu game. They quickly learned exactly how wrong they were.

>> No.12060782

A game of RIFTS.

"What do you mean by we can't kill those vampires because our squirt guns are out of water?"

>> No.12060783


The same DM, who was EXTREMELY fond of random, permanent effects on characters and had about six tables of different ones...

"Okay. When Cassius takes a drink from the fountain, his skin begins to flush and turn a bright red."

Cassius' player: "Whoa. Umm, I guess I take another drink?"

*roll d100*

DM: "Steam begins to shoot out his ears. It doesn't hurt or make sound, but it doesn't stop, either."

Cassius' player: "So my Paladin is now bright red and steaming from his ears."

DM: "Right."

Cassius then kicked the nearest door and used his surprise round to scream at a small camp of ratmen. They pissed themselves.

>> No.12060784

I think I know your GM.

>> No.12060785

"Look, I've been hunted by an ancient order of assassins, implicated in a plot to murder the governor, chased through the streets by a reptilian death-beast, drugged and poisoned by a coven of witches out to collect my life-blood, buried behind a church in a coffin full of animated skeletons, lied to, manipulated, and dragged halfway across this town by the scruff of my neck.

If you don't stop dodging my questions, townie, I am going to fucking kill you. KILL YOU."

>> No.12060789


Oh, see my continuation above. This was D&D 3.5.

>> No.12060791

>Player is breaking into the house of a noble woman, having bluffed his way in as hired help with the line "I'm here to clean the shitter!" Pretending to be a gullydwarf and not a duregar. He's usually LOLRANDUMB but today... The noblewoman has recently killed her husband due to a geass from our party mage. During the break in, whilst using 'hos racial invisibility he flubs a stealth roll, and proceeds to flat end her with his sword...
PLAYER She's unconscious right?
DM Yeah....
PLAYER Ok, well I dig out one of her husbands old razorblades, they have those right?
DM Yeah, it's a cut-throat deal, folds away, ivory and gold handle, very ornate
PLAYER Ok, I drag her to her bedroom, and slit her wrists. They'll assume suicide over the guilt of killing her husband.
DM That's fucking dark... Ok, what about the guard you killed...?
PLAYER Oh him? Well I'll make it look like he slipped on his sword on the shitter!

>> No.12060838

>Quoted by the female fighter as the party is standing in the middle of the desert, arguing over loot.

"shut up...shut up...Shut up...SHUT UP! JUST SHUT. UP. I am hot. I am sweaty. I am thirsty. I have sand in my vagina. I LIT-ER-ALLY have SAND. IN MY. VAGINA. SHUT UP AND MOVE YOUR ASSES!"

It was made even more funny by the fact that up until then, she was the bubbly, friendly one.

>> No.12060840

Hi, I'm new in town. Where does the captain of the guard live? Does he have any children? How many? How old are they?

Player: "I cut open his stomach, what do I find?"
DM: Hang on, let me fire up Google. Let's see, here we go, commoner stomach content table".
"You find some corn, some light brown mush, some dark brown mush, and a brass key".

Player: "We don't know that my knife to the chest killed him. Maybe it was the scythe to the forehead, or the mace to the balls."

Player: "I didn't kill him"
DM: "You stabbed him repeatedly in the kidney"
Player: "Oh yeah..."

>> No.12060843

PLAYER 1's Character: "You're married to a 12 year old."
PLAYER 2's Character: "First of all, she's 11. Secondly, We're not married, dammit."

>> No.12060871

We'd just killed a dire wolf and the rogue pulled all of its teeth out to make a necklace. Nobody is paying attention to the DM and I.

Me-"I want to resurrect the wolf."
DM-"You know it's going to be pissed off, right?"
Me- "Nah, he's gonna be grateful and let me ride him and shit. Besides, he doen't have any teeth,"

I resurrect the wolf and horribly fail the roll to tame it. It then gums the rogue to death in an attempt to get its teeth back

>> No.12060886

"Gentlemen, if we live trough this I will become a motherfucker."

No, I'm not going to put it in context.

>> No.12060945

*player has been doing random stuf for the past two minutes*

" I take a piss on the dungeon floor"

DM: "sigh, ok"

" I then atempt to do a back flip"

DM: "you slip in your piss, fall, break your neck and die


>> No.12060997

Playing Adeptus Eva during Halloween in Berlin.

I'm playing a Ukrainian war-orphan with a false leg who hoards shit and constantly stuffs food into his parka pockets. The group's Neo-Spartan offered my character cake, making him BEST FRIENDS FOREVER. At that point, the rest of the group plus all of Berlin hates him for firing a missile into melee, defeating our EVAs, and requiring three N2 mines to be dropped in suburbia to SLOW the Angel advancement.

We're out trick-or-treating when a group of school kids who know he's the pilot assault us. One is dressed like Hitler, and moves to strike him with brass knuckles.

War Orphan - "I parry."
GM - "With what?"
WO - "My leg."
GM - "...okay... Agility, Weapon Skill, Agility."
WO - "...I roll a 6, 13, and a 73."
GM - "The rail thin Ukrainian boy rips off his prosthetic, bats away Hitler's brass knuckled punch, and then topples to the ground. What the fuck,"

I spent the rest of the fight trying to remove his testicles, while on thr ground, until the police arrived and beat Hitler kid to a fucking pulp,

>> No.12061034

"Inside the supplies shed, you find rope."
"How much rope?"
"How much is a lot?"
"You open the doors and...ROPE!" *arms in the air*

"Don't worry. We'll just kill the dark ones first."
Black guy at the table stands up and walks out.
"RYAN! No! I meant we kill the dark elves. The dark ones are always evil. ... FUCK!"
"You done fucked up now, son!"

"You are grabbed by the monster's tentacles, which start to slowly drag you in."
"I roll to escape. That'd be grapple, right?"
Bad roll
"Our only female character is being attacked by tentacles..."
"You should have been here LAST session if you think this is bad!"

>> No.12061046

Not much of a quote, but hilarious all the same.

My dad DM's a group of my brother and my fiends, and he decided that he was going to add critical hits and misses.

As a celebration of the first critical fumble by a player, my father decides to make it permanent.

My brothers Cleric is now crippled for life, and we carry him in a bag of holding so he doesn't slow us down.

>> No.12061051

"Who do I get to screw this time?"

Context; a PC returning to the party after previously having spent time apart, previously severing her ties with the party with near TPK by her hands.

The double entendre quote itself had significance because of the myrid of horrible things she did to us at her departure, one was raping and killing the youngest member of the party. Hence it served as an extra jab to the ribs when she announced herself again with the quote.

Hard to justify as a Chaotic Good character.

>> No.12061071

Techpriest: "My Thunder Hammer can be thrown, right?"

GM: "Yeah, but with hell of modifiers"

Techpriest:"Ok, I throw my Thunder Hammer at the sniper shooting at us"

GM:"...Alright, roll to hit at minus eighty"

Techpriest: *Rolls*

GM:"You just hit him from three-hundred yards away with a THROWN Thunder Hammer, and hit him the face"

Techpriest; "Result?"

GM: 'He...*rolls on damage table*...his head just exploded"

Techpriest: "WOOHOO!"

Party: ".....0_0....."

>> No.12061075

"And who might this adonis of a mythical figure be? Surely he is as powerful as the heroes and legends of old and a man of the world. Are we even allowed to bathe in his divine grace?"
Said by a player after he was the only survivor of a TPK when last epic-styled campaign ended, everyone made new characters and they just happened to have to meet his old character because they needed to speak with someone who had witnessed the whole "dragon awakens to eat the world" event on first hand.

The character he referred to was a fat, bald, lazy wild mage who had more surges than actual spells.

>> No.12061099

"Whats the Maneuvering score of this corpse"

>> No.12061102

"The power of Pelor compels you! Into my pants!"

>> No.12061103


You do know that stuffing someone in a bag of holding suffocates them, Right?

>> No.12061104


A complete lie. Black guys are never named Ryan!

>> No.12061115

>"Don't worry. We'll just kill the dark ones first."
>Black guy at the table stands up and walks out.

fucking lol'd

>> No.12061123

Star Wars Saga Edition:
'If you look for them, the inconsistencies in Star Wars are huge.'
'Like the quality?'

>> No.12061136

My dad doesn't.

and not like we would care either.

>> No.12061142


Nope. He's black, named Ryan, sings in choir (Quite nicely, in fact) is the biggest nerd, and is 6'6" and maybe 250 lbs. He can also lift me with one arm.
He really looks out of place next to the rest of us.

>> No.12061155

When I read it I pictured him being in there up to his armpits with it cinched off so that he could still cast hehe

>> No.12061157

The Wookie is down!

>> No.12061162

I was there. That was funny.

>> No.12061195

>This whole thread
>My Face

>> No.12061208

"Yo Technobabble that shit over your cell phone!"

A group of all techpriest characters trying to communicate through microbeads speaking in Secret Tongue (Tech) while separated for an investigation..

>> No.12061227

Yeahnot at my campain, there were three other players trut me they don't go here to prove it wats your name

>> No.12061307

"My tank gave birth to ANGELS!"

That is all.

>> No.12061332

Rogue Trader game
Inquisitor 1: You are charged with heresy, murder and attempted lewd behavior with a Sororitas novice.
PC: Well he committed incest with the Eldar!
Nobleman: 1 damn problem at a time!
Inquisitor: Wait don't you have to be a memeber of their race to commit incest?
Nobleman: 1 damn problem at a time!

>> No.12061335


Shouted by a character as he threw his fire immune weasel familiar at a fleeing fire elemental.

>> No.12061346

"Roll reflex"
"Your longsword melts on contact with the beast. Aren't you glad you don't have your fullblade now?"
"Oh yes, because an eight level Barbarian without weapons or armor is so very good at punching a giant acidic CR10 monster with a move speed of 80 in a 40 by 40 arena to death."
"...I'm sensing a bit of hostility..."

>> No.12061373

"Hi. My names Tyrone. Are there any demons around?"

"How did we get the one Orphanage infested with zombies?"

"I take off all of my clothes and dance. Hopefully, this will apiece our new Lich overlord."

"I slay it with my beard!"

>> No.12061419

DM: The assasin kills the king!
*Shaman emerges, and recieves an arrow in the chest by the party's Bowmaster*
DM: Did you just...shoot the shaman?
Me: I thought he was a necromancer!

>> No.12061450

"A tunnel opens in the wall."
"A tunnel opens in the wall."
"But we're on the second floor of an inn."
"Um...it leads down."
"Into what? The huge fireplace?"
"Uh, uh, It leads out and down."
"Into the alley? A tunnel opens up and leads out and down into the alley that we had the clandestine meeting in? An invisible tunnel?"
"Um...Um...didn't I mention the waterslide?"
"...I'm surfing the rogues corpse down it."

>> No.12061456

Team psyker rolls perils, reverses gravity.
Scum "Would someone like to explain why the God-Emperor just came and bitch-slapped us?"

>> No.12061483

"We were merely conducting a reconnaissance in force to locate the Soviet saboteurs!"

"A reconnaissance in force that led you over 300 miles to Berlin, where you proceeded to lay waste to most of the city, attack key civil and military targets, capture a high ranking Soviet officer and destroy the Brandenburg Gate, recognizing, Major, that we AREN'T AT WAR WITH THE SOVIETS?!"

"Well, we probably are now, so in retrospect what we did was good, right?"

>> No.12061488

I jump up and down on the bed to kill him.

>> No.12061505

We had a token black guy like that. Works at GNC... and we constantly have to reel him in. Great roleplayer though, kinda like a barbarian-savant.
Bah, I gotta give him a call, haven't heard from him in ages.

>> No.12061507

"My character is a chaotic good warlock named Eseeric Eshin. You can call him Eric though."

30 minutes go by.

"Wait a second, your name is Eric Eshin? Like Erection?"
Next 30 minutes laughing at him.

>> No.12061510


>> No.12061517

"In the name of the God-Emperor I will punish you!"
- Female Missionary in our Rogue Trader Game.
Delivered with a almost exact sailor moon voice.

"What if we strap in to the hull with some rope..."
- Rogue Trader, same game.
We were discussing how to move a lance battery we salvaged from a derelict battleship.

>> No.12061521

DM: Alright so you drink the potion and you suddenly feel smarter
PC:Yay!! I'm smarter!!!
DM: No i said you FEEL smarter...

>> No.12061576

>halfling bard rolls 1, stabs healer in the boob.
>after the battle
"Mammary Mangler."
"Tit Trasher."
"Boob Basher."
"Hooter Hacker."
"Oh C'MON!"

"You seen one camel show, you seen'em all."

"No, I will not service the dragon. At least not at my usual fee. Or without medical assistance."

"You have huge evil! CLEAVE AND SMITE!"

(DM) "The new spell incurs some property damage."
"Stop right there, criminal scum!"

>cast spell with Ranged Touch
>roll 1
DM: "You jizz your pants."

DM to wizard: "You wake up in the bell tower, the young woman from last night is next to you. The abbot is coming. What now?"
>jump out of tower, surf down roof
>roll Acrobatics
>wizard drops down next to party caravan
"Let's get going, guys."

"You wizard isn't very wizard-y. Improved Unarmed Strike?"
>wizard goes on to lethally bitchslap anyone interrupting his spells in combat

>orc attempts to interrupt spell
>wizard axes him in the face, crits, kills
"The moral of the story is, don't fuck with my shit."

Good god I miss that character- the group had to disband.

>> No.12061577

Youngest character loses a brother in combat and is weeping.
"It's okay, look at my hair"

>> No.12061612

Navigator: I see someone emerging from the Warp. It smells like that trained Ogyrn that was bodyguard to the Inquisitor.

Rouge Trader: Gav? But we left him floating in interstellar space? He had nothing but a Void Suit. How the hell is he traveling through the Warp?!?

Navigator: He is surfing on a Void Whale.

Inquisitor: O.O What the Fuck!

>> No.12061665

Lo'dan Thundersmash, Dwarf Fighter: "I break down the door."
Everyone: "...THUNDER SMASH?"
Lo'dan: "Yes. Very yes."

Lo'dan: "I break down the door." ::rolls str::
DM: "You...well, you knock loudly."
Lo'dan: "I break down the door, damnit!" ::smashes door::
::skeleton attacks him immediately::
Lo'dan: "Friend of the door, eh?"

>> No.12061670

Dark Herasy
>Horde of mutants in narrow tunnel
Psychic: "I grab one of the soldiers grenades and throw them into the horde."
Soldier: "Hey! Get your own damn grenades! Those things are expensive!"

>> No.12061686

Me:I use spasm on the guy in the back with the gun.
*rolls 12*
Me:I will make the guy near him spasm also.
*both fail will*
*ballistic tests get rolled*
*both accidentally one of their teammates*
DM: Psykers are overpowered.

And then next session my dm caused daemonhost.

>> No.12061688

Is it not the deepest and most true nature of the bastard…to remind us and to be a marker of the time we most hurt those we should be closest to beyond comprehension.


You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.


"Dying can't be so hard. Everyone else has managed so far."


My temporary hope for a moment there must have made it all the more funny for fate to crush my pathetic little spirit, sweep the pieces into her drink and relish the taste.


You claim you’ve trampled one thousand enemies underfoot. Who am I? Call me the last, the ender, the final enemy…Call me one thousand and one. (Facing a HUGE FUCKING MONSTER, while playing a normal dude who's sword had just broken in half. I shadow of the Colossused it.)

>> No.12061723

Nope not in my game

>> No.12061726

Walked by next to some people playing what seemed to be D&D.


Girl 2: "Too late, I already lost mine."

Not the best around, but it surely got me interested enough to look at their session for a while.

>> No.12061737

"Did the darkness just growl at me?"

"Look at my armor. It's covered in spikes. Just let me run in and do my grappling thing. I'm like an inverted blender."

>> No.12061747

I"m immune to your penis

>> No.12061758


>> No.12061772

If it was Lobo it would be a space dolphin.

>> No.12061776

"You take 5d6 dignity damage. Roll fortitude or die."

>> No.12061782

NPC describing a mountain range: "It can be very treacherous"

Rogue: "Pfft, treachery is my middle name"

While in the mountains he sold half the party into slavery for a sword, which he then used to kill the slaveholders and rescue the party.

>> No.12061792

That Gav.

Look at him. LOOK AT HIM!

Never has there been a more magnificent bastard. Except maybe Bob.

>> No.12061835

>Dem quotes
>My face

>> No.12061898

>Character is driving a black government suburban.
>Character is pulled over by the police
>Police officer steps out and walks over to the car.
"Sir do you know your bumper is dragging on the
ground"? police officer
"It is?, don't worry I'll take care of it" player
>Character promptly gets out of the car. And goes to the dragging bumper and rips it off setting it on the side walk.
"Sir"? police officer
"It's okay I'm with the Government" player
>Character gets in the car and drives away.

>> No.12061941

>>Facing down rogue Engels

"I'm sorry, but I cannae hear you over the sound of me gun!"

>>One shot it. Feelsgoodman.jpg

>> No.12061954

>DH campaign. Party is split up momentarily during our investigation and so I (the simple, duskborn guardsman), alone with the batshit cuckoo cloud lander 17 y/o techpriest girl are heading back to the main town. She's driving and it'll take a damned day to get their, so she decides to hum and sing and generally innocently annoy me. I decide to tell her a story. It goes like this:

A sword that never ceases once felled a foe of great conviction. As its foe lay dying, it told the blade that all the blackness it sows in life will one day catch up to it and destroy the sword it as it had done him. The blade assured him, with a grin, that the road he walked would be, for the blood of his foes, too slick to follow him down. The man then asked, with his last breath, what the sword would do when there are no more enemies to slay, no more blood with which to paint the path behind him. The fallen man died laughing and the blade went on smiling. I still don't know which one of us actually got the joke.

Dead silence... for a couple of hours, anyway, then she got bubbly oblivious again.

>> No.12061965

>Game of Warhammer Fantasy Role Play
DM: Alright, so in addition to your trappings you get for your career, you also get a hand weapon, and some other stuff I don't remember. Lemme look it up.
PC: Hand weapon?
DM: Yeah, it could be any generic, one-handed weapon. It could be a sword, an axe, a club, anything.
PC: Could I use my extra-long codpiece?
DM: Why the Hell not, we've got an elf using a lute as her hand weapon.
PC: *Draws a codpiece on the critical location chart guy that goes down to the ankles*

>> No.12061992 [DELETED] 

Recent AFMBE game online:
"I have lost all optimism."

Prior AFMBE campaigns:
"We'll use the buddy system."
"I watch your back, you watch mine?"
"No, we shoot Buddy in the calf and run like Hell from the zombies."
>PC named Buddy runs off

>About to go on a commando raid, lead by Angry Housewife
"Did everyone got potty before we left?"
>Yes, Anna.
"Did everyone bring a knife for silent kills?"
>Yes, Anna.
"Are you gonna take any shit from those bikers?"
>No, Anna.
"Go out there and have fun. Bring back milk!"

Hiding in a sewer from massed zombies
>Plus side: no one will notice if I pee.
Group stares at him.
>What? What do you think we're standing in, soup?

Two religious PCs arguing religion while on a telephone pole watch station (garden shed tied to the top bits)
>So, you're saying Jesus wouldn't like modern Jews?
>No, I don't think he'd understand them. Probably wouldn't like them, no.
>You're Catholic, right?
>Yeah. Born and raised.
Pushes him out of the tower.
>Forgive me!

Oh, those wacky players.

>> No.12061998

dark heresy, as gm describing the buildings crumbling majesty
player- i stand in awe at the majesty of the scene.
me- roll willpower
player rolls, fails
me- you start crying at the beauty of it all, but the rest of the team thinks you're a wuss now. -5 to all interaction tests with them.
(i wasn't serious about it though.)

>> No.12062024

This is from the rogue trader in our party:
"It'll only get worse if we die."
"Nothing says 'fuck you' like plasma batteries."
"Hubris is my greatest virtue." This was his favourite saying, oft repeated.
"Taken at face-value, it was a compliment."
"The crew have no idea how badly I'm doing!"
"Double the decadence budget!" Our budget consisted largely of decadence and shenanigans.
"Fuck you, it's a Warlord Titan. What're you gonna do?"
"There's a whole moon-full of Zachlas replacements." (Zachlas being the explorator, talking of a mechanicus run moon)
"So we took free advice from a crazy old woman, and now we're being shot at?"
"If it is nailed down, steal the nail, then steal it."
"It's a holy pilgrimage where we steal everything we can carry."
"Let's put all our eggs in one basket. Because we only have one egg. And we're still weaving the basket, so, really I have an egg in my hand."
"He says 'holy father', you say 'holy Emperor', I look in the mirror..." In regards to a Space Marine chaplain.
"Your move, Navigator..." A mere moment before being shot by a sniper.

>> No.12062026

The "piss'n'trip" must be a DM favorite or something.

>> No.12062059

My character, Fellowship based guardsman acolyte: "We say 'The Emperor protects' so often, that most of us have forgotten what that means. Yes, it means he is with us. Yes, it means he guides us...but when we say 'The Emperor protects' we're saying more than that. How does the Emperor protect? Through us. We are his hands. The Emperor protects, and so do we."

He then proceeded to shrug off insanity and corruption in scads before charging the daemonhost, holding an ammo bag full of shotgun shells to it's face, and using his laspistol to cook them all off at once, one-shotting it in glorious fashion and walking away unscathed thanks to liberal application of fate points.

My single proudest RP moment.

>> No.12062065

"I rich more than you weigh!" may be my favourite line from anything, ever.

>> No.12062071


GURPS, right?

>>and wastis

>> No.12062091

Badass mage is badass.

>approach wounded mini-BBEG, holding his guts inside his body.

"You have threatened me. My comrades."
>Ray of Enfeeblement.
"You have wasted the lives of civilians."
>Hold Person.
"A commander spends the lives of his men in war- but to squander them is unforgivable."
>Admonishing Ray.
"You're an arrogant prick, to boot."
"I want you to suffer."
>Reach into open stomach wound, pull out entrails like rope. Reel them out as far as possible, then rip the lower end free of his duodenum.

>> No.12062101

Dark heresy.
Investigating a nobel. He had some items stolen but my arbiter assumed he would lie. In enters the assassin who entered through the air vents to personally investigate while me and the guardsman tried the normal asking approach.

So I just talked to the nobel's daughter and got a good lead. I exited her room to the Nobel and his honor guard. The assassin was literaly in the ROOM RIGHT BEHIND US. Botches a move silently so i blurt out this gem


It actually works, distracting enough that they don't think much of the noise in the next room

>> No.12062108

>half of the party goes and fights an allip http://www.d20srd.org/srd/monsters/allip.htm

>after the battle, the party regroups and informs everyone what they did

>what did you guys battle?


>> No.12062116

"I may have had my legs, arms, internal organs, and over all spirit shattered by you, but at least I have my d20's!"

>> No.12062122

"Mother Fuck..."
Quote is said by my character, at least once a session.

>> No.12062147

"Why did you flip off your battle brother with a power fist?"


>> No.12062163

We then proceeded to figure out how much the wealth of that player weighed, as our DM didn't make us count gold for encumbrance. 'Lo and behold! He did rich more than the accused weighed!

>> No.12062221

Yeah, true

>> No.12062250


>> No.12062254

Not quote-worthy at all.

>> No.12062293

DM: Ok, you find a tablet. It's a third of a circle and is green in color.
Player: I lick it.
DM: You lick the tablet. You just found. In the dungeon.
Player: Yep!
DM: Fine, you lick it. You get mummy rot. You die

>> No.12062319


Joseph Evans, you glorious fucker.

>> No.12062330

Ambushing a bandit base:

Cavalier (1): How are you gentlemen?

Bandit: It's you!

Me: All your base are belong to us.

Cavalier 1: You have no chance to survive make your time.

Me: Ha Ha Ha.

>> No.12062339

PC who's a Sailor, a very relaxed guy who lost his family when he was young, his Dad to the sea before he was born and his mum to Fever when he was 5.
Incredibly laid back dude, never gets angry for very long.
Mad willpower though. And willpower in this was basically magic power, but he couldn't cast magic.
A Minor villian was a weather witch, which he fought while at sea. Later it turned out she was actually on our side and wanted to test how strong we were before joining us. She was also known locally for being worshipped as a minor God of the Sea, the 'Eye of the Malstrom', feared by fishermen and Sailors for her cruel ways.
He hated her because a storm had nearly killed him once. And he thought it was her fault.
The battle turned bad when she used the greatest of her powers to turn the sea into a huge storm around him and she turned the entire thing against him.
Then this happened:
"So; got any plans for when I cane you!!"
"...stop talking. I'm serious about this! You almost killed me once before, I won't let you win!"
"Who ya gunna cry to? Me? Hesiod? Or your late mother?"
"I hope I'm pushing the right buttons!!"
"You don't get to talk about my mother."
"Oooh! Did I hit a nerve?!"
"No. It's just you don't get to talk about her, since you didn't know her. Now are we here to fight! Or to Goad each other!"
"I wonder if your Daddy died at my hands like you will? I wasn't paying attention."
"Shut UP!"

>> No.12062343

These are pretty damn good.

>> No.12062348

"I love watching people like you struggle against the waves you know...Like fishing boats; amazing how the fishermen hold onto the fish even if they know they're about to die!"
At which point something in the battle shifted, the storm finally hits.
But it doesn't hurt him, because he takes it over.
Through sheer force of willpower and wrath, he hijacks her own spell and turns it on her ten fold. Becoming the eye of the storm instead of being ripped to shreds on contact.
He brings down the full force of a storm so large that the bottom of the ocean can be seen far below down on her face. Nearly killing a living God, only not killing her because he holds back for one last thing.
".....take it back."
"I can't anymore; its part of you...the storm is."
"...I don't care if you meant it or not...say sorry for what you said about fishermen...they're honest folk and don't deserve you insulting them."
"Is saying that they would never abandon the catch; even to the worst condition an insult now? I'd call it brave."
"...sorry for hitting you so hard...*Offer her a hand up, appologettically*"

He didn't care about having the entire power of the storm, or having, what in his eyes, was death herself at his mercy.
He cared about what she said about fishermen.
And when he realized he'd mistaken what she said and it was just to goad him, he didn't hold a grudge.
He was a total bad ass. I wish the player hadn't moved away.

>> No.12062370

>A game of RIFTS.

Oh God, no. I had as similar situation, but our group was saved from some 30+ vampires by sudden rain pour which we ordered by cell from a certain spellcaster who's ass we saved in a prior campaign. More effective than fucking bombardment.

>> No.12062384

Just after a polite conversation with some off-duty conscripts.

Peasant woman - "Our village was attacked by orcs!"
PC - "I roll Sense Motive to see if she's lying to me or not."
1d20-1 comes out to 0
Me - "You believe her completely. There is no way you could even contemplate this woman lying to you."
PC - "I Intimidate her into telling me the truth"
Me - facepalm

>> No.12062404

"You guys can't just leave me alone like this! I'm wounded!"

"You could go with Ian."

"Yes, but then I would be alone with Ian. That's much worse."

>> No.12062430

You were attracted to him?

>> No.12062444

I was GAR all over the character who was a manly Ahab motherfucker, and the player was a Bro of the best sort.

>> No.12062445

Cu, you strange large man

>> No.12062451

"You're out of breath, roll fort"
*Nat 1*
"You fall 3 inches away from the portal and can't move a limb."
"I crawl with my eyebrows!"
"Okay, you're now 2 inches away and the ghouls are cathching up."

>> No.12062455

>playing lv 1 dwarf warmage
>rest of party is unconscious or dying
>monster sundered my weapon
>1 level 1 spell left
>beat everything to a bloody pulp

>> No.12062463

" I stand here and wait for somthing to happen"
4minutes later
Dm: "fine a godamn lemon covered in jewls fars from the sky and hits you, you begin to convulse, vomit constantly streams from your mouth your nose gushes blood you're ears fill with earwax. This goes on for a minut until every thing stops your face pckers up and you implode"

PC: "What the fu...."

>> No.12062488

I stand in awe, good sir.

>> No.12062506

" I don't care about civilian casualties, I care about not getting caught."

Probably Shadowrun in its most condensed form

>> No.12062507


Attention /tg/. This character right here is incapable of shooting a fucker anywhere other than the head... and sometimes the left leg. He is also space batman.

Here, have some Mara strain, you too-hairboiled-for-a-noir-film sexpot.

>> No.12062548

And this is Meat Shield Cu who is space batman if he is in a swamp

Also sold all his guns for a large sword and uses it better then you can imagine

Also I did not sleep with the tech priest, stop implying I did. It makes it hard to talk to the commoners

>> No.12062603

Oh my fuck what is that?
Its sum short of blackwidow wasp

>> No.12062605

It makes it hilarious to talk to the commoners.

And implying that you, a 30-y/o schola progenium sexed up a brain-addled 17-y/o techpriest is deliciously lol-rotic heresy.

Also, Greatswords are yes. They have always been yes. A Creed-9 is fine too.

>> No.12062614

"Thanks for the assist, stranger. Those Shamblers were all over us."

"Da, da. Quick, rescue outside. Dovai!"

"A Russian?! That dog won't hunt, mon senior.."

Cue mexican standoff between a fifty three year old vietnam vet wielding a light machinegun and a private investigator with a revolver almost as large as his forearm. In the middle of a burning building surrounded by slowly advancing zombies.

>> No.12062625

I'd rather not be exicuted. My hands are already due for a dipping in gold and talking to bones didn't help things

I can heresy on my own, I don't need your "help"

>> No.12062626


That, my good friend is Vesparachnum OmniFatalis...


>> No.12062639

Our WH party encounters a band of Skaven, which the GM describes as "the biggest rats we've ever seen."

PC Rat-Catcher: "... This is the day I was born for."

>> No.12062645

Bullets don't know fear

>> No.12062655

"All you've managed to kill with those horns so far is trees. For the love of all that's holy, please go back to the Powerklaw."

>> No.12062673

I think you mean latin standoff.

>> No.12062687

cult finishes summoning demons

>> No.12062708

>Sorry if this is a doublepost, but it doesn't seem to have come through.

>Stormwrack 3.5 Aventi Warlock, running away from gambling debts led me to join a pirate ship.
>I climbed the mast to the mages tower.
"Say, being up here is kinda nice... makes me feel strong... like I could do anything I wanted... Like I could TAKE OVER THE WORLD! MWAHAHA! *Violent coughing.*"
>From then on, whenever I was in a high place...
"MWAHAHA*HACKHACKCOUGH*.... I'm sorry, I don't know why that keeps happening."
>Gain derangement: TOWER MADNESS.

>> No.12062712



>> No.12062817




>> No.12062982


>> No.12063008

"You girls should get out of here quickly (bunch of whores from a brothel), I don't know how long the gaurds will be dead for."

>> No.12063103

>Epic wizard battle
>BBEG wizard fails to counterspell my Flesh to Stone
>BBEG botches save, turns into lawn ornament
>Wizard draws inverted Magic Circle against Evil around BBEG's stone body.
>Casts Stone to Flesh on BBEG
>Starts casting another spell, stops to talk.

You claim to have the power to rewrite the world? That's fine. You don't have the right to wield that power if you can't defeat it. So think of this as your master's final test."

>Summons a balor inside the circle.
>Watches BBEG get omnomnom'd

>> No.12063111

DM : You walk into the Rogue's room and find her naked, what do you do?
PC 1 : I put on my robe and wizard hat. (Fighter, possibly Chaotic Stupid haven't determined yet.)
PC 2 : After he puts on his wizard hat, I kick him in the balls. (Rogue character, most likely a male plays a female rogue who wears, "form-fitting leather. All the time.")
Me - OOC : This is just a bad romance plot isn't it?
PC 1 : OOC : I want your love!
PC 2 : OOC : ..and all your lover's revenge!
Me - OOC : ...You people worry me.

>> No.12063158

Wow, I'm late to this party...

Dark Heresy game, me playing a Psyker, in the midst of battle rolling triple nine on a psychic power.
DM- "Are you SURE you don't want to spend a Fate Point on that?"
Me- "No, these fuckers warship the Warp, I say let them meet their master."

First roll: Rain of Blood, all subsequent Psychic Phenominon rolls go automatically to the Perils of the Warp Table.
Second roll: An explosion of Warp Energy deals 2d10 damage to everyone in a [rolled for it] 80 meter radius. (All players survived, most of the cultists died right there.)
Third roll: Reversed gravity in a [rolled for it] 1km radius (yes, the maximum). Very nearly crashed the BBEG's ship and forced him to make an ungodly high roll to catch his ship as he fell into the air (the rest of us and the cultists were in a cave)

The surviving cultists started worshiping the psyker, who got the (unconsious) PC Guardsman's laspistol and proceeded to BLAM them all commissar-like.

Later in a game of Rogue Trader, me playing a Navigator and rolling natural 100 THREE FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW on the first navigation roll through the warp. Sometimes, two fate points just aren't enough.

TPK before all the characters even had names.

"I am critical failure, destroyer of games, look upon my works ye mighty, and despair."

>> No.12063168

"This place is to dangerous... Let's go back to Skullport."

>> No.12063207

>natural 100 THREE FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW on the first navigation roll through the warp.

>> No.12063226

Conversation between a fellowship 22 Moritat Reaper and a fellowship 24 Vindicare Trainee

Vindicare: So you're a woman. Attractive.
Moritat: Yeah, so?
Vindicare: Is this a liability or an advantage in your current career?
Moritat: What? I have no ide-.. What are you talking about?
Vindicare: I don't know. I think it's called "making conversation".
Moritat: Making conversation?
Vindicare: Yes.
Moritat: Huh.
Guardsman: Emperors teeth I think the Assassins are hitting on eachother.

>> No.12063251


What? how? I don't even...

>> No.12063269


To me, those are pretty damn high fel scores.

I don't even play a techpriest, either.

>> No.12063291

We're not going to die! Stop being such a pussy, Sir Wetshispantsalot. (That would be rping a 1 on diplomacy to settle down a terrified knight.)

>> No.12063301

>Guardsman: Emperors teeth I think the Assassins are hitting on eachother.
Lost it, right here.

>> No.12063350

Has this been archived? I feel this should be archived

>> No.12063372

Lowest in the entire group, which ranges between 30-65.
And they're below average, iirc.

"But the Inquisitor said!" - Shouted by the party Arbitrator during an infiltration of a very Inquisition hostile world. While trying to bluff our way past the PDF.

>> No.12063375


I read that Vindicare in the G-man voice from Psychonauts. It was glorious.


>> No.12063410

"It'll be like a sled!"

>> No.12063437

One of my players (playing a warrior in Conan The Barbarian RPG), not a first time player at all, while exploring a dark secret passage.

"You hear footfalls approaching"
"Ok, i hide in the shadows and I light my torch"

He didn't spot the contraddiction till some turns later

>> No.12063458

I think my ass is gone.

>> No.12063525

"Hey man, I just got kicked in the testicles thirteen times! Mind you, I deserved the first twelve... BUT THE LAST ONE CROSSED THE LINE!"

>> No.12063568

Context. You must provide us with some

>> No.12063576

"I need Manatees, stat!"

>> No.12063805

"This fucking thing took me down from full health to -9 HP before it died. I don't care how fucking burnt it is, I'm making it into a skirt"

>> No.12063846


Myself (Bard) and friend (Cleric of Bahamut) boinked a couple of barmaids. Failed our diplomacy rolls (REALLY BADLY, like, 1 or 2 every time) to convince the proprietor lady that we were okay people, and the barmaids started to hate us.

Tempting fate, we stay in said bar/inn. Most of our party walks out to find the two barmaids waiting outside with long blunt implements. Cleric finds out and jumps through the window (he had to pay for it). I stick around, basically doing the whole "Wait! Let me explain!" routine before a cut to black.

The rest of the party gets back to find me lying in a pool of blood bitching about being kicked in the balls.

Another funny one, from earlier:
Bard (Me): We need to find some saucy wenches
Cleric: We totally do
Druid (female friend of mine, moral centre, all that sort of thing): You what?
Cleric: Saucy wenches!
Druid: ....
Bard: Okay, let's find a bar, with wenches.
Druid: I'm gonna hide up a tree.
Cleric: Don't you want to...
Druid: UP A TREE.

From that point on, whenever the druid disapproved, "UP A TREE!"

>> No.12063865


A third, from the same session (this was a hilarious session):

Rogue: So, I'm on fire, right?
DM: Yes, yes you are.
Rogue: I hug the kobold.

He rolled a nat 20 on his grapple check and bear-hugged the kobold to death, while on fire.

>> No.12063875

That is fucking awesome

>> No.12063889

Sharing some stories I've been told.

Story 1:
>>Party of mostly good adventurers.
>>Paladin (Lawful Stupid variety) leader of party.
>>One character is Evil. (Lawful Evil, but still evil).
>>Paladin uses Detect Evil when dealing with a Magistrate (Rumors have it, he's a goddamned necromancer!)
>>Picks up on Magistrate as not-evil.
>>Picks up on fellow Player Character as Evil.
>>Goes ape-shit, swears at other player OOC and demands the DM give him the right to mortal combat against the evil character.
>>DM looks Paladin Player dead in the eye and says, "MORTAL KOMBAT!" followed by him attempting to beat-box the theme song.

Story 2:
>>Party is underground, exploring some ruins because they were paid to (Morally Ambiguous party of fairly generic characters)
>>Party finds lever.
>>Rogue shouts, "LET ME TOUCH IT!"
>>Proceeds to practically body-slam the lever, assuming treasure (DM was really... kind in the magic stuff/gold/everything department)
>>Turns out to be a trap.
>>Rogue is squished (Failed a reflex save, rolled a 3 at level 2).
>>Fighter Archer Dude shouts out, "IT'S A TRAP!" in character.
>>Everyone snickers except the rogue, who rolled up (SURPRISE!) another Rogue!

Story 3:
>>DM is asking for character descriptions in preparation for upcoming session. D&D 3.5
>>Rogue describes his character as being manly looking.
>>DM requests more details.
>>Rogue says, "Ever seen David Tennant? I look like him."
>>Awkward silence, followed by laughter. (Pre-Tenant Dr. Who days.)

Story 4:
>>PC describes character as being very mechanically competent. (M&M)
>>DM says, "Ahh... the MIGHTY Handy-Man"
>>PC shakes his head and calmly rips up the character sheet and proceeds to make a new one.

>> No.12063896

Picture VERY related.

"You get the black die. Because you're a nigger."

"You're a! Fuck your! Mothershitting! I'll kill! FUCKSHIT!"

(While making humping motions:) "I'm a BEAR! I'm a BEAR!"

"I mack on a fly honey. Holy fuck, I rolled a natural 20."

"Okay, I'm back. Where's my mini?" "You're in the bathroom, with the fly honey."

"I've named my mule Tunneldigger, after my Grandmother."

>> No.12063928

That dragon just ate that giant beast that nearly killed us, didn't it?
And now we have to fight that dragon don't we?

>> No.12063930


Now, I consider myself a fast talker. That's why I play a Bard. But this time, I got caught completely by surprise.

This takes place after 'The Testicle Kicking Incident'

Bard: Okay! I consider myself a reasonable person and I would much rather not leave here without making sure I'm not in anyone's black books. What do I have to do to make reparations? To both of you?
Proprietor Lady: You really want to know?
Bard: Yes, yes I would.

*Barmaid #1 is looking smug at this point*

Proprietor Lady: Really?
Bard: Yes!


Proprietor Lady: You have to marry her.


Barmaid #1: WHAT?!?

>> No.12063944


Oh yeah, forgot the last bit.

Me: You're a dick.
DM: I know.

>> No.12063965

Me a Torwaller with int 9 (gm didnt want me to play anything with brainz, bitch) decided to use me 2hand double bladed axe the following way
"I run at the oger, jump, and slice it with my axe"
Ok try it
D20 . 1 shit
OK now roll how bad you fail
D20 . 1 oh shit
now see how bad you wound yourself
2D6 5 6
Good you have a lot of health eh?

Next round me a Moprhling Assasin with poisonous Claws.
Leaping at my foe from behind
Troll "Me try jumping on foe" Rolls for clumsyness
dropps on me and allmost kills me

and the always famous one
"I gonna wake the dragon" :-*

and another one
"I gonna rape the succubus"

>> No.12063999

A group of 24 goblins working in shifts had taken control of a stretch of road and set up a set of toll booths. A 1st level PC divided and conquered, and intimidated them all into giving him an 80% cut. He later joined up with a necromancer and an evil cleric. They formed their own mafia. Eventually, they all plan to become liches to rule over an undead mob for all eternity.
DM: "Looks like you'll become the Don..."
*puts on sunglasses*
"...of the dead"

>> No.12064029

>DM: "Looks like you'll become the Don..."
>*puts on sunglasses*
>"...of the dead"

>> No.12064039

omfg I laughed out loud .. really loud

I did similar with my torwaller,
"Me taking axe, whirling direction of gobbis, making shish kebab" natural 20

OK you killed ALL of those fucking goblins and all you you are smeared in gooblin intensies and such
"Me loot meatpulb for goodies"
They are meatpulbs, no loot
"Are gobbies edible"
Go ahead try *had to roll passed it*
OK you put 4 slices of goblin meat in your bag while your other party members start to move a bit farer away of you, goblin meat reeks

>> No.12064046

"Well, after the party, I forget the details, but one thing lead to another, and now I cannot feel anything below my waist."

Party's Rogue Trader explaining why he was discovered in the (female) Navigator's room, wearing nothing but pink fuzzy handcuffs and a purple polka-dotted loincloth.

>> No.12064083

>Your DMs face

>> No.12064129

Looks like that proprietor lady.

>> No.12064166

> Ferla Guardsman walks into bathroom
>Finds Hereteck working on some chemistry heresy
>Flips table full of chemicals over, onto hereteck
>Hereteck dies in resulting fire
>Guardsman gets high off of fumes.

>> No.12064176

Thanks for your request.
It has been added to our database and the thread will be archived as soon as enough request for that thread have been made.
This thread has been requested 1 times now.

>> No.12064187

"Fortunately for me, I landed on my head."

>> No.12064198

Star Wars game, party has just stumbled upon an abandoned Seperatist genetics facility. They go in to explore, being stalked by creatures through the vents/ceilings.

Player is investigating an office, separated from the rest of the group.

DM: You hear something coming towards you in the ceiling.
Player: Oh shit. Alright, I stand on top of the desk and move the ceiling panel aside and look up.
DM: You see a 2-meter long, quadrupedal reptile with dark red skin, bright orange eyes, vicious claws and dripping acid from its mouth. It hisses and charges towards you.

>> No.12064365

Huzzah! My thread was nominated!

>> No.12064413

You're not re-animating a dead juggalo baby as a necro-familiar.

>> No.12064467

>I'm playing a Elf "Suburban" Shaman. We're in a trendy club. We're doing the chat-for-clues thing. I'm the only PC with any Social skills. Etiquette roll...all 1s. I ad-lib.

"Oh, Atrocity, there you are!"

>My PC is whisked away by "Atrocity," a simchip fetish star with 0.0001 Essence left in her body, for rest of the scene, leaving our troll street samurai to mingle.

>> No.12064475


>> No.12064680

Is anyone gonna add this thread on sup/tg/? I'd do it, but I'm lazy and suck at tagging

>> No.12064705

I'm sorry, but this came to mind:

>> No.12064713

In a Dark Heresy version of Castle Ravenloft

Player: I'm going to pee on Stahd's bed.
DM: Roll a ballistics test.
Player: But if you roll above a 98, your gun jams...
Silence for a mintue
Me: Kidney Stones!

>> No.12064724


>> No.12064736

"I get the child off and then get up."

>> No.12064789

NPC: "Why is it every time ye guys come in here you're covered in blood?"

Skinny Thayian Girl PC "We were out wrestling bears!"
Roll one on bluff, FUCK!

>> No.12064827

This is a scene from the second session of my current campaign, following my group's selling some 'recovered' jewelry. They went to a local bank to cash in the large bags of money given, but the cashier at the local exchange was freaking out at the half-orc Rogue forcefully trying to exchange ~5000 gp for pp:

DM (Me) - "The teller hastily brings down the divider-cage between you."
Half-orc Rogue (HOR) - "I try to push it open again."
DM - "Roll for strength."
HOR - "Rolled an 18."
DM - "What's your total?"
HOR - "Uh... 30."
DM - "... Wow. You, uh... with your hands caught below the divider, you slam it upwards, startling the teller."
HOR - "I hold it up, and say to the teller, 'YOU'RE NOT GETTING RID OF ME THAT EASY.'"

>> No.12064870


"That's her! That's the one that kicked me in the balls thirteen times!"

>> No.12064927

Me: "They are a food source not your personal harem"
Troll: "You can cook them after I'm done with'em"
Me: "I'm not eating anyting sautaed in your jizz"
Troll: "You will eat it and like it elf boy! give you some protein"
Me:"Why does everything have to come back to me being a elf can we just split up the children one set for cooking and the other half for raping"
Troll: "Fine, dibs on the blonde one"
ST: "........."
Me&troll: :you said this was a evil campaign shadowrun game didn't you?"

>> No.12064949

"So, girls come to fake vampire club, get job, work for week, disappear for days, then come back as customers? Gluum not smartest tool in knife drawer, but something up."

>> No.12064978


>> No.12064982

Players are fighting a group Ythrak, starting to lose a lot of life. A gigantic Blue Dragon flies by and starts eating the Ythrak, not even noticing the party members or the female Githyanki ranger's young Red Dragon. She's still afraid it will engulf her young dragon.

"So my oathbow has Finger of Death... right?"
DM "Yeah, go for it."
"Okay, I shoot the dragon."
DM "What? It has a fortitude save of like 30, there's no possible way that's going to work."
"Finger of death on the dragon."
Dragon rolls a one on it's fortitude save.
"Can I loot it now? How much experience do I get?"

>> No.12065005

"If its symetrical, its exotic!!"
my players view on selling the mutated small mamalia they found/made, or keeping them in boxes to be used as weapons. not that the exotic ones were any less dangerous...

>> No.12065035

Me:I was the one who attack asylum.
Setite: (obfuscated) I stake him
ST:ok roll to hit
Me:1 away from soaking the damage so it would fail
Setite:Ok problem solved
Me: you prick I had a fucking speech
Setite: And I had a stake so I win
And now there is irl meme of "You sly dog you caught me monologuing"

>> No.12065053

Don't look at me like that it was a post-apocolyptic game and we are all evil....

>> No.12065073

Argh, wish I remebered the name of the game but it happened so long ago....

Murder in an old woman's house we (some police officers) try to calm her.

Cop1- Ma'm, before you go in we'd like to tell you something. Now this might get a little disturbing but-

Then later, questioning gangsters on the whereabouts of missing persons and the murderers...

Gangster- We don't know about anything man, *draws a knife* and I don't think you should be asking.
Me-You just brought a knife to a gunfight son,

I drew my pistol and killed three of them and wounded another. They shot at me but missed and unloaded into the neutral reporter who'd been following us. The other gansters get scared off and I try to force him to snort cocaine I'd been hiding to dull the pain.

>> No.12065177


Had a similar thing happen to me in a game, but it was an official module... was like 'Pool of Radiance'.

The paladin got bull-rushed off of the platform, knocked in, then burbled a few rounds to get out... When he got out... after a few rolls... his flesh was translucent, had undead immunities, and was healed by negative energy and harmed by positive... the GM went 'damn, sweet, you've been turned in to an undead', and... can't remember his god, but the GM said the god was fine with it, as long as he remained good. But, the player got all upset, huffed, and had his character 'go off and fight to the death against the enemy', didn't want to continue.

Lesson: You have to know your players damned well before you have permanent changes to characters handed out like that.

>> No.12065278

Child disappears in a cave, adventurers sent in after.
Find child tied up with bite marks and funky shark-fey-siren-demon thing.
Get lucky crit, slice the arm off a shark-siren-fey thing.
Fight goes badly after that.
I'm a big beefy dude, so after the wuss of a cleric buggers off, I'm fairly well screwed.
DM takes pity on me, kind of.
Thing is like "Hey, the kid's not looking too good. I'll let you take him out of here if you give me an arm."
I trollface, and toss the arm I cut off at the creature.
It's not amused.

>> No.12065301

Me (Neutral evil sorcerer): I give the inn girl a list of spell components. "I need these before I retire for the evening. Make sure you get them to me, or there will be hell to pay. Literally." (Character communes with demons and only summons evil creatures)
DM: Okay. She takes the list, smiles, nods, and leaves you be.
Me: I cover the windows, strip down completely, and begin my dark rituals.
DM: There is a knock at the door after a short while. A voice begins to speak from the other side. "My apologies, good sir, but I was not able to find any of the items on your list..."
Me: "What? Are you kidding me? You can find those things in any damn pantry or broom closet. And I know you have pork fat, I was eating bacon here this morning!"
DM: She begins to stutter and whimper. "Please, I really am sorry. I tried my hardest."
Me: I slam the door open and shout, "BULLSHIT!"
DM: Wait, you're nude, right?
Me: Yes. I am also tattooed and branded all over my body in various rituals and summoning circles.
DM: Holy shit. What's your Charisma?
Me: 18.
DM: What?!
Me: I'm a sorcerer. It's my core ability. It's where I get my bonus spells. Duh.
DM: Okay... The girl is standing there, dumbfounded and silent, staring at your... 18 Charisma. She mumbles something, looks back up at you, and quickly walks away. Cade (party rogue/assassin, room is right next to mine), make a listen check.
Cade: 18.
DM: You hear some ruckus and a door banging outside in the inn's hallway.
Cade: Okay. I lazily open the door to investigate.
DM: You see Zyklon (me) standing in the hallway naked. The girl working at the inn is walking away and is very red.
Cade: ...I go back in my room.

>> No.12065339

DM: Only one person may go through this door.
Black guy: Wait, I'm a a warforged, do I count as a person?
Spectator: Three fifths.
Sorceror: I try to convince the exarch that my name is Steve.
DM: Roll bluff.
Sorceror: ... 31.
DM: The exarch throws you out. These guys roll 31s for breakfast.
DM: The church begins to collapse.
Paladin: We should hide under the dead bodies, they'll cushion the blow.
Me: That's fucking retarded.
Everyone else hides under the bodies.
Me: I'm a dwarf. I pull out my pickaxes and dig through the ceiling as its falling on me.
DM: ... Roll athletics.
Me: 30.
DM: ... Your pickaxes drive aside the falling rock as if it was butter. Everyone else takes 20 damage.

All in the same campaign.

>> No.12065377

>Me: I'm a dwarf. I pull out my pickaxes and dig through the ceiling as its falling on me.
>DM: ... Roll athletics.
>Me: 30.
>DM: ... Your pickaxes drive aside the falling rock as if it was butter. Everyone else takes 20 damage.

Yours is the pick that shall strike the heavens.

>> No.12065393

It's pierce. Come on, man.

>> No.12065402

"I throw the little girl at the werewolf and bolt."
This was a board game, but still funny.

>> No.12065403

Rogue Trader:
Ship is making a crash landing on the planet below. Rogue Trader is unconscious. Arch Militant is left to rally the crew/troops. He chooses to use his Intimidate skill.

ArchM: "All right you dogs, listen up! We're going to be going aground soon, and I want every one of you warp spawn grox lovers at your battle stations! If we hit the surface and you are not ready, YOU WILL BE SHOT! If you are not already moving when the gangplanks are lowering, YOU WILL BE SHOT! If you die in the crash, YOU WILL BE SHOT!"
GM: Wait, isn't Intimidate a Strength based skill?
ArchM: Yeah, so?
GM: Well, how would that work? How can you communicate your strength over a vox?
ArchM: ...
Me: Maybe... maybe he broadcasts an image of his bicep with his speech.
ArchM: Uh... yeah, I do that.
GM: Okay, roll.
ArchM: 14.
GM: Thanks to your bicep image, your motley crew of grubby guardsmen and grubbier crew have the discipline and valor of the Death Korps of Krieg.
ArchM: Fuckin' a.

>> No.12065440

in a zombie campaign
dm: the number indicates the country the infected organs come from
player: CHINA!
dm: ... why do you say that?
player: world war z
dm: the number is for a country in the middle east
player: CHINASTAN!
dm: ... chinastan?
player: yeah

it's now a joke that everything is made in chinastan, the government is secretly controlled by chinastan, if a country is needed it's chinastan, everything is somehow related to chinastan

>> No.12065445

So we were doing a mini dnd campaign, sort of a tie-in to one of our friend's other campaigns.

My first time playing, and I'm being rather quiet, I get abducted twice.

Second time I end up pinned to an altar, and I go;
"I'm pissed off. I spit in your face."
And he looks at me and goes,
"...Well, roll then."
I get a nat 18, ends up being like 21 or something, and...

"You do one damage."

And we ended up giving the guy who's house we were at's dog a role, as a dragon.

It did nothing but roll 18-20's and kicked more ass than the rest of us combined.

There's better ones from campaigns I wasn't in...

>> No.12065453

He was probably combining Pierce the heavens/Strike the Earth.

>> No.12065472

Guess that makes sense.

By the way, Pierce the Heavens/Strike the Earth would make a badass MTG flip card.

>> No.12065495

>Three fifths.
Oh snap.

>> No.12065594

Since when does Charisma equal dick size?

>> No.12065621

Also, yes, it would.

>> No.12065665

Physical apperance accounts for the difference in the actual Charisma value and the amount of Charisma demonstrated by the player.

So, if the player has (being generous here) 8 Charisma, that 18 Cha sorcerer has 10 points of charisma worth of dick size/rock hard abs/etc.

>> No.12065695

Legend of the Five Rings:

"Did you have a rabbit when you were young?" - Bayushi Satsuma
"I did. It was fuzzy. But it fell off the wall." - Hida Thunk
"Yes, words are like rabbits, if you pet them too hard they will... IT FELL OFF THE WHAT?" - Satsuma
"It came back a few days later and I had to shoot it." - Thunk

>> No.12065701

After my DM decided to try and play a Scottish Dwarf Blacksmith, very very badly...

Sit-in friend (Actually Scottish): I am never letting you butcher my accent again. I'm taking over and you keep quiet.

He went on to be the most awesome Dwarf Scottish Blacksmith ever, and is rolling up a character for next week.

>sparrial 4,100,000

>> No.12065720

"So how much experience do I get for the Forest?"
Wizard who just burned an entire fores to the ground.

>> No.12065732

Yeah, he really wouldn't have good interpersonal skills. He has a cackly, nasal voice very much akin to the Monarch. His Charisma would have gone to being terrifying and cock.

>> No.12065796

>implying someone playing a high-Charisma character has lower than average Charisma IRL
> my face

>> No.12065804

If he was bluffing a blind person, would he not get his charisma bonus?

>> No.12065818

So anti-social people aren't allowed to play sorcerers now?

>> No.12065876

Well, in this case he does. This is the player of said high-CHA sorcerer. Hello. I'm a 21 year old virgin. I look like Gary Sinice with glasses, but despite this no girl has ever been with me. Could be my lack of confidence, crippling depression, or tendency to clam up whenever there's a real-life discussion about anything.

I play DnD because I don't have to be me.

I can have the charisma that's been denied me all my life.

Now kindly fuck yourself.

>> No.12065877

Oh, of course they are. But this fellow is implying that only people with low Charisma, so to speak, play characters with higher Charisma.

I, for one, consider myself rather attractive, and I play Sorcerers and Paladins.

>> No.12065885

If it's any consolation, I'd fuck Gary Sinise. :3

>> No.12065899

I'm getting it from this part:
>DM: Holy shit. What's your Charisma?
>Me: 18.
>DM: What?!
>Me: I'm a sorcerer. It's my core ability. It's where I get my bonus spells. Duh.
The DM isn't usually shocked by a high charisma unless the character is being played like a neckbearded trog.

>> No.12065920

Well, if you live in or around Stanislaus County in California, you're more than welcome to pay me a visit. Otherwise, it really doesn't do much for me.

>> No.12065925

"What? What?!"
"We forgot the rental van!"

[To put in context, these are from Dark Heresy,]
"So how much XP was the Harpy worth?"
[And RT]
"God, why am I even the Rogue Trader? You're like my hyper-competent sidekick who does everything and hardly needs me."
"But of course, sir."

If you recognize these, your bro up north says hi.

>> No.12065933

Actually, he was shocked because he was an idiot. He had never heard of the spells Grease, Hold Person, or Summon (Fucking Anything) up to that point, or at least had not looked them up.

>> No.12065938

rolled 35 = 35


>> No.12065953

We're Shadowrunners, ma'am. Get in the bag.

>> No.12065957

I hope to God you're open-minded, then...;D

>> No.12065958

Player 1:So what exactly are you offering us to have us go and check out this town?
DM(Me): Well I guess I could give you tenure and...
Player 2:DONE!

>> No.12065984

The hell does that even mean.

>> No.12065993

3.5 game that got a little out of hand
DM: Alright, how much damage did you do?
DM:......Run that by me again
Warblade: You heard me
DM: You just dealt a million and a half damage, with 500 strikes, in 6 seconds, against the Earth.
Warblade who now has a shit eating grin: Yes
DM:...........God damn that fucking book.......You crack the world in half killing everyone. Are you happy?
Warblade: Like you wouldn't believe

>> No.12066013

It's a guy, probably

>fanklip noose
Captcha, are you trying to get me to an hero?

>> No.12066018

He's a man and wants to fuck you

>> No.12066034

Well shit. No woman has ever paid much attention to me. So why the hell not?

>> No.12066048


"Sorry, I don't speak egg." (to a chansey tweeting its nuts off at the demoman [yes, demoman] for catching an abra with a flashbang)

>> No.12066053

This thread is made of win.

>> No.12066060

>"God, why am I even the Rogue Trader? You're like my hyper-competent sidekick who does everything and hardly needs me."
So, he's Jurgen?

>> No.12066078

Ah, I never do account for stupidity, it's one of my flaws.

Back on topic: d20 Modern game, The player characters are being general Scooby Gang Investigators, creature of the week is Werewolves They're searching for clues when they simultaneously stumble a body (literally) and the town sheriff (less literally).

Sherrif: Mind tellin me what you kids are doin on my crimescene?
Lead guy: "Well... Officer... We were... Um... Walking... Um, in the woods..."
Rest of the party facepalms simultaneously.

"Holy crap just roll the dice and see if your character does any better at that than you just did..."
Player rolls a 1
"...Marginally better, you're still getting taken in though."

>> No.12066084

If it wasn't for Cain, Jurgen would never be able to get off planet.

No one would him on.

Smells bad, bro.

>> No.12066087


For some reason I can't stop picturing the Demoman from TF2 as a Pokemon trainer, and it's hilarious, especially if he used his grenade launcher to fire his Pokemon into the fight.

>> No.12066134

Let me guess: failed a sanity check?

>3.5 game that got a little out of hand
Only a LITTLE?
please, PLEASE tell me the DM learned a lesson from that.

>> No.12066197

Yeah. Book of the nine swords got re-banned and greater consumptive field was banned as well.

But I still say it was utterly worth the looks on everyone's face.

>> No.12066227

Yeah, was actually a female version thereof, but very similar character typing. Spent most of the opening of the game blowing shit up, beating up cops, and generally being a combination of badass and problem. Left group and joined Team Rocket, spinoff around her never got players. :(

>> No.12066245

"What's in the suitcase?"
"Guns, knives, drugs, and a very small illegal immigrant."
"Go to hell."

"That man was more than fat. If his face was any more flabby, his cheeks would need a bra."

>> No.12066249

I must know how he pulled that off.

>> No.12066278

this fucking dice never goes up from 12 ( while shooting a d12)

>> No.12066282

>A group of mooks charge into what is supposed to be a room, only to find a hallway made by what is essentially Sherlock Holmes, Monster Hunter, using a high-tech plasma weapon who has destroyed three walls and several further room inside the castle. The weapon is pointed right at them.

Player: "Pardon me, good sirs, but could I graciously ask you to surrender?"

>> No.12066287

Just an extremely competent, (re: good stats, lucky rolls,) creative, and profit-oreinted seneschal. Space assassin-lawyer-spy-clerks for the win.

>> No.12066319

I have been in a game where someone twinked out their character to an absolutely enormous degree (not quite that much, though). I loved how the DM handled it (don't have actual quotes from teh session).

The damage was something on the order of fifteen or twenty thousand points from a punch, uteerly stupid amounts of damage without something powerfully magical. The DM ruled that the attack dealt an amount of that damage to be ruled later, and the amount of magic focused on a single point was enough to rupture reality and dump the party and much of the surrounding bystanders into a random plane. DM rolled Ysguard, we became interdimensional vikings, good times were had, though the story the DM had planned got shelved for another time.

When the players break the game, the DM can break the game harder. It just takes a little creativity.

>> No.12066362

The short version:
Greater Consumptive Field
Flew through the most populated areas of Sharn
Managed to kill about 2000 people
Str over 4000
Avalanche of Blades: Attack until you miss with a -4 to each successive attack.
+2000 to hit
+3000 to damage for two-handing
No attack rolled needed for 500 strikes.

>> No.12066374

my GM leaves his laptop on "recording" during our sessions. here is some transcript(this was run in HERO system, where you roll 3d6 for just about everything except damage, and low is good. damage is also d6s, but you want high):

The cast:
Silverbolt: Lightning mage. Also a bit of a transmuter, being able to make food out of thing air, and change clothes as a half action. Fond of practical jokes.
Ultisaur: Genetically modified Brick. ULTICORPs latest genetic super-soldier prototype. His spit is acidic and he's somewhat aggressive.
Steamjack: Steam-powered Power-Armoured Brit. Enough said. Also, he's going slowly mad.
Pinpoint: Asian Acupuncturist hero, and natrual enemy of the Triad. Spend most of the mission in their care.
So the player played Agent Wallace of UNTIL instead. Wallace has just been through roughly the same geno-tech as Ultisaur, though it was VIPER that did it to him.
Andy: The snot element kid was not present this time.

The quotes that were best without context:
Steamjack: My computer doesn't suck, it's just old and damaged. Oh, wait.

Silverbolt: We need more Wonderflonium balloons.

Silverbolt: First I'm trying time dilation. Power roll!

Pinpoint: Can I reinforce the balloon with needles?

Pinpoint: There's a lot of random magic going around.
GM: That there is, but it doesn't help because he's attempting to create element pi. Which must be done with the mad power of science, not magic.

GM: Don't drown yourself in coke, god damn it.

GM: No, you can't take damage during cut scenes.

Silverbolt: The reason Japanese rulers have mustaches: "Wait, an Asian with facial hair? He must actually be manly! You! Lead our country, now!" … Yes, I went there.

GM: the universe explodes, and the IRS comes to get you?

Steamjack: I set fire to the sewers.

GM: An iron jaw does not make you a cyborg!

>> No.12066409

Long story short, had a mostly good campaign. My character had signed a contract to act as the hand on the material plane of a devil who wasn't interested in attracting too much attention to himself that basically stated: "You do what I say and every few orders, I'll give you one thing that it is both within my power to give you, and that does not conflict with my self interest. Also your life and soul are forfeit to me if ever you don't listen to my orders, or act against me."

So I've been racking up devil brownie points, and it's time for my first prize. I show him a contract I've written that basically comes into: "Should [character]'s life or soul be forfeit through the results of a previous contract, I agree to sacrifice my own instead."

Of course the DM tells me instantly that asking the devil to sign the contract would get me killed. But I knew that.

That was when I asked him to get the Paladin to sign it through whatever means he had available.

It was pretty great.

>> No.12066441

Some gems from my groups 1st ever CoC Session, with me as GM.

Me-"Roll your Latin [PC 1]"
Player rolls 96 PC1-"Um, I botch"
Me "Fantastic. You suspect the tome is a hitherto unknown book of the Bible. When you get back, you want to show it to the head of your University's Theology department."
PC 2 - "Great work dooming us all."

Me- "As you guys sit around in the kitchen, you notice on of the knives slowly start to levitate."
PCs - "Oh shit!"
I roll 00 on the floating knife atttack
Me- "The knife misses you completely and embeds into the pantry doors behind you."
PC 1- "I take the knife and exmine it "
PC 2 - "No, dude! Leave the flying voodoo knife!"

>> No.12066453

"I had a nice easy job where a 7 foot tall retard who came walking at you despite being riddled by machine gun bullets"

>> No.12066467

Having just slain a HUGE Earth Elemental that killed our orc barbarian and nearly stomped the rest of us.

Druid: I think we need to lighten the mood. Hey guys! What do you call an earth elemental without pants?
Rest of the party: ..... *groan*
Rogue: What?
Druid: ... Rock bottom!

>> No.12066472

I have tons more of this. does /tg/ want?

>> No.12066521

Goddamn PS3 typing character limits.

cont from 12066441

About five minutes later, PC 1 has been mind-controlled into attacking the other PC.
PC 2 - "I guess I should try to knock him out."
Me - "Okay, roll to hit him."
PC 2 - "Wait! I wrap the rosary I stole from upstairs around my fist first,"
PC 2 proceedes to lay out PC 1
Me - "You knock [PC 1] out cold, leaving a cross-shape in his forehead. When you revive him later, he seems to be fine, so you're fairly confident you drove out the demons."
PC 2- "I will never be separated from this rosary."
Start of next session
Me - "Oh, yeah [PC 1], remeber the book you botched translating? Well, you haven't seen the Theology head in a couple weeks. Last you heard, he was going on a research trip with a couple of his assistants."
PC 1 - "Oops"

>> No.12066552

Do want.

>> No.12066569

Ben: She rolled the die and it rolled across the crackers and into the meat. It stopped by the salami. It was a critical.

Aaron: I'm going to ambush the room.

Aaron: Welcome to my painting.

Aaron: You need a giant snow goose.

Peter: Do you have any proof?
Aaron: Look at this hangover.

Aaron: Feathers sound pretty flammable.

Tyler: Now what do druids love most?
Bryan: Cheese.
Andrew: Rap music.

Tom: I really want some prosciutto.
Peter: Is that in game or out of game?
Tom: Both.

>> No.12066578

I fucking raged. I hope the player dies cold and alone.

>> No.12066595

in shadowrun my party goes ahead and leaves me behind because i was sick for a session and i come back in while they are killing a dragon ( i never quite got how the fuck that happened )

Me: so for this last week my guy has been standing on a street corner outside the bar because no one has said to go inside?

DM: oh hell no he got picked up by a heavily moustached semi leather clad gay biker about 3 days ago

>> No.12066597

Ultisaur: I don't have googly eyes. I will never have googly eyes.

Steamjack: I aim for the GM!

Steamjack: Its tempting to say Arcane Vibrator, I don't know why.

Silverbolt: No, I don't accidently change into a ballroom dress.

GM: There's a dice on the floor, and its not the one I dropped.

GM: Oh, right, there were no Nazis. Why were there no Nazis?

Steamjack: "I was shot with steam. I'd better take a nap."

GM: Note to self: Do not talk this close to microphone.

Steamjack: Med-evac. Medical kit. Wack.

GM (as Silverbolt):" I normally use this power to make food, it can fix his arm, I promise."

Steamjack: If you kill someone with a Presence attack, do they shit their kidneys?

Steamjack: I fist him.

Pinpoint: I thoroughly grope myself. Do I need to roll to hit?
Steamjack: You thoroughly traumatize me.
GM: If you weren't traumatized from before I don't know what you're doing here.

Pinpoint's assistant has been kidnapped by the triad:
GM: The problem is, your assistant has been kidnapped. Again.
Steamjack: You knew the risks, when you bought that disadvantage.
Silverbolt: What does the ransom note say?
GM: Well its a bit more modest than the million it was last time.

Silverbolt: Oh, joy, a trap.

Silverbolt: I take 2 hundred dollar notes, and eight 2 hundred dollar note shaped pieces of newspaper. Then I stick a one thousand dollar bill in the middle.

Scouting out the location of the hostage transfer:
Steamjack: Do I find any underground passages.
GM: Yes. They're called sewers, they're very stinky.

>> No.12066607

Cleric: "I go into the barn with the donkey."
Rogue: "I go to watch."

Wizard: "I was unaware clerics of Pelor came with such....Ballistics"

Rogue: 'I mutter under my breath about yokel farmgirls.'
Farmgirl (speaking to Ranger): "And, my bedroom is right upstairs if you...need anything." *winks*
Rogue: "I mutter under my breath about slutty yokel farmgirls. Shit."

>> No.12066639

The players have a really bad record with press conferences:
GM: By now ULTICORP has come up with a new method for press conferences: 1) They will be held in a fortified bunker, 2) You will not be present, 3) If there is an emergency you will be contacted and then you might be allowed to go close to the place.
Silverbolt: I blame Ultisaur
Widespread agreement (including from Ultisaur himself)
GM: and 4) The building has been EMP hardened; every ULTICORP building has been EMP hardened.
Ultisaur: I blame Silverbolt.

What one could do with a few more points:
Silverbolt: Give me 20 character points and I can do it.
GM: Give me 20 character points and I'd be ruler of the universe. Incidentally "dyslectic" is a 20 point disadvantage.

GM: Things have been relatively calm in Millennium City. Other than a few bank robberies, a few car thefts, a light lack of Ozone (everyone turns to face Steamjack),
Steamjack: … what?

Al Gore is running for mayor, with predictable campaign promises:
Ultisaur: "My campaign promises: I promise less pollution, I promise less taxes, I promise less ULTICORP Champions."
Silverbolt: Everyone who tries that will find it's raining during their press conferences.
GM: Which is why they have them in fortified bunkers now.

The players saved the city from a fusion bomb, taking out a block in the progress:
GM: The press have been their usual self, some of them blame you for the incident, others follow the official ULTICORP line that it was all VIPERs fault.
Steamjack: It was all VIPERs fault.
GM: Yes… but you are Team Collateral.

still have pages and pages more of this stuff. continue?

>> No.12066702



>> No.12066714

DM: Uh oh... uh oh... *looks a me* axe of sharpness. And that's a critical hit.
Me: [jokingly] Well, as long as he doesn't cut off my balls, I'm not too concerned.
DM (rolling on table): Let's see... left side... torso... lower torso...
DM: Groin.

>> No.12066733

Things go wrong:
Steamjack: I'm warming up the arcane turbine.
GM (to Pinpoint): You take 7 turbine and… wait… 7 BODY when he (Ultisaur) lands on you.

GM: When Steamjack teleports into the room he finds an unconsious lizard and a 1000 dollars in small bills. They took the newspaper and the two hundreds.
Silverbolt: They left the one-thousand dollar bill?
GM: yep.
Silverbolt: that doesn't make any sense.
GM: nope.

Steamjack: I take the one thousand dollar bill.
GM: Ok.
Steamjack: I stick it in my burner.

Steamjack: "what need have I for these silly pieces of paper?"

GM: Doesn't he have filthy rich?
Steamjack: I'm not a filthy Lich!

While Pinpoint is helpless in the hands of the Triad (can you say radiation accident?) Pinpoint is going to play Agent Wallace of UNTIL, who had a similar experience with VIPER last time:
GM: seems he got more than just the scales.

Steamjack: But does his power scale, or are scales his power?

Silverbolt: Now he can utilize the scales of justice.

Ultisaur: That shifted the scales.

>> No.12066752

Some things annoy Steamjack:
Silverbolt: I get a 9!
Steamjack: I shout my results really loudly.

Silverbolt: I guess plot says I can't follow them!
Steamjack: This is a statement. I'm saying it loudly!

The changing of characters is a difficult thing:
GM (Sarcastic): Because he immediately teleports to your location and knows everything you know.
Silverbolt: OK, lets go.
GM: That was a joke.
Silverbolt: Then I press the recap button. No, wait. I simply point "that direction, the sewers, they took our little Chinese friend"
GM: The teleporting part was also a joke.

The Secret Identity problem:
GM: He's wearing an UNTIL uniform, so his secret identity is preserved.
Silverbolt: Except the little nametag that says "Wallace".

Player's memories sometimes need jogging:
Steamjack: I haven't met <Agent Wallace>.
GM: remember the museum heist?
Steamjack: yes.
GM: Remember the UNTIL commander you completely ignored as you busted in?
Steamjack: Yes, I do remember that. Well, I remember not remembering.

>> No.12066789

The madness of modern construction:
Silverbolt: At noncombat velocities in the sewers, I bet it will take them a long time to make a turn.
GM: until they reach the new quarters where the sewers are all strange and highway like.

Silverbolt updates ULTICORP on the situation over radio:
GM: Unsecure channel… (rolls dice)
Silverbolt: they're gonna kidnap you, too.
GM: Oh, good point, I should roll for that, too. I was thinking media.

GM: Segment 12. UNTIL arrives. Media arrives.

Steamjack steam-vents to cover the teams evacuation from the warehouse:
Media reporters: This is Millennium City News reporting live from a warehouse where the ULTICORP Champions have just left. From the look of it, the building behind me is on fire, and we believe that the fire department is on its way. There have been unconfirmed reports that several team members are unconscious and/or captured, and we know that UNTIL is involved in the case. In there usual manner, the ULTICORP Champions are no where to be seen, despite heavy smoke development in the building.

A promise kept:
GM: I believe there was a comment earlier in the campaign about what you would do if he (Ultisaur) was ever unconscious…
Silverbolt: What was it?
GM: I don't know, I didn't write it down. Whatever it was, presume you do it.
Pinpoint: Oh, right. Jigglypuff.

Ultisaur wakes up:
Ultisaur: I immediately start tracking them.
GM: through the sewers?
Ultisaur: I have Discriminatory.
GM: And +3 with the smell/taste group, plus you smell with your tongue.
Ultisaur: I still try to track them.
GM: After a very, uncomfortable, half hour he is forced to give up
Ultisaur: *puking sounds* Oh my god, the ground is dissolving!

>> No.12066800

GM (as mutant class teacher): That, children, is we you should never drink alcohol. You could turn into a giant lizard and puke all over the place.

Wallace has an idea about where they might be:
Ultisaur: I start tracking him.
GM: Or you could let me explain why he's in that building.
Silverbolt: We go to that building.
GM: You don't know that he's in that building! I haven't explained it yet!

Ultisar realizes what they're up against:
Ultisaur: Oh, god, we're screwed. The Triad always have secret Kung Fu powers.
Silverbolt: It's not secret. They're Chinese.
Pinpoint: They have wire fighting maneuvers.

Silverbolt shows up at the Triad Resurant in a pizza delivery costume:
Silverbolt: "hello, who ordered these? It's for a Hung Lo? Is anyone here Hung Lo?"
GM: Two people raise their hands, but deny ordering the pizza.
Silverbolt: "Nobody ordered these pizzas?" *picks up cell phone* "boss? I think we've been prank called again."

Silverbolt makes a Electric Sense PER roll and notices some irregularities in some of the guests:
Silverbolt: Like, they're cyborgs?
GM: Mutated, cyborgs, demons, aliens, non-humans, atlantians, lemurians, asians. There are many options.

>> No.12066835

The UNTIL strike team is in a van painted up as a Post Van. Silverbolt changes into post officer clothing and knocks on the door:
GM: The door remains very unmoving. With your electrical sense you notice a small camera stuck up in the roof.
Pinpoint (currently playing Wallace, in charge of the UNTIL strike force): *chooses this moment to initiate the attack.
GM: The truck speeds off.

Ultisaur, who's been hiding in the building, desides to make a Presence attack to get the civilians out before the UNTIL ambush arrives with orders to contain them. This is pointed out the be a bad idea:
Ultisaur: F*ck UNTIL, I wanna make a presence attack.
He rolls 26 on a 10d6 attack, and proceeds to barely effect the locals.

GM: so, the strike team is on its way, the shit is really hitting the fan, and the bad guys are on their way out of the building. What are people doing? People who aren't Ultisaur.
Silverbolt: jogging toward the building, now dressed as an accountant.
Wallace: Taking up position to go in with the strike team.
Steamjack: in an nearby alley.
Silverbolt: eating the pizza?
Steamjack: No, I BURN the pizza. How much END do I get?

Steamjack: What are the buildings around me?
GM: Well there's a Chinese restaurant, that serves Chinese food, that he (Ultisaur) just made a… something inside.

Trying to place the civilians in the restaurant:
Steamjack: Wow that's a popular place.
GM: Yeah, it's like the only one in China Town.

GM: At this point cries of "Containment Breach" are coming through the radio system.
Ultisaur: "Containment Breach"? What does that mean?
GM: It means that all the people they were trying to arrest so they could check whether they're working for the triad or not are leaving the building!
Ultisaur: Oops…
GM: This why one should coordinate with the guys in charge.

>> No.12066857

No comment:
GM: Is there such a thing as Chinese thugs? Can I even use that term?

Steamjack has his own breed of tactics:
Silverbolt: Actually, that's a wall in the way.
Steamjack: Not for long.

Steamjack: Ouch, I got a splinter in my metal.

Silverbolt misses another triad thug:
Silverbolt: How come they have such high DCV, and so low DEX?
GM: Small.

Dyslexics. 'Nuff said:
GM: Steamjack recovers from being Stunned…
Steamjack: Steamjack is not stunned!
GM: that's because his name is Silverbolt. They both start with S and end with… no they don't.

The fun of invisible recurring villains:
GM: at this point your boiler shuts down.
Steamjack: how?
GM: Actually I'm not sure, I haven't rolled the effect yet… or to hit. *rolls dice* Your boiler shuts down.
Steamjack: Why?
GM: that would have something to do with the three needles sticking out of it.
Silverbolt (to Pinpoint): Wow, your character upgrade pwned him.
Everyone around the table: No, that was the Needle Child.

Steamjack: How do the needles stop my boiler?
GM: Don't ask me. I don't know acupuncture.

GM: Ok, then, lets say you have twenty END left in your reserves.
Steamjack: Ok, that's fine. That's enough to blow up most of the building.
does /tg/ still want moar?

>> No.12066935



>> No.12066952

Awesome, and yes, MOAR.

>> No.12066954

Barbarian Triple-jump-crits his athletics check and jumps across the map
"i'm a barbarian, i know what i'm doing!"

>> No.12066983

he players figure it might be time to call in reinforcements (but ignore the UNTIL army outside):
Silverbolt: Can we remote call in the steam train or do we have to be manning it?
GM: You're probably the only ones in the universe who can fly the damn thing.

Target identification:
GM: There's a room full of bad guys. At least, you think they're bad guys as they all have guns, katanas, belly dancers… should probably do those in a different color.

Why UNTIL wanted to raid the place in the first place:
GM: Silverbolt enters an entertaining scene. Four guys wearing Russian hats, four guys wearing Chinese uniforms, four guys in pinstriped suits eating meatballs. *pause* OK, Russian, Chinese, Italian … I'm missing a mafia. *pause with lengthy discussions about different mafias* Gangsters.
Silverbolt (to the assembly): Why are you allowing them here?!

Silverbolt: Hopefully they shouldn't attack me on sight.
GM: You're wearing the ULTICORP Champions uniform.

Steamjack tends to ignore such petty things as walls and roofs:
Steamjack: I go to the third floor, how many hexes of up is that?
GM: He comes up through the coffee table.

Silverbolt: take the gangsters first. Please?
Steamjack: I counter gangster them.
Steamjack holds his Gatling gun sideways like a gangster, and presides to knock the gangsters out the closest window. The Russians and Italians clap.

>> No.12066985

"Could you cast cure disease on me?"
"I didn't know you were sick. What do you have?"
"That's not important just cast the damn spell."

>> No.12066994

Steamjack is aware of a few holes in the special effect description of his attack powers:
Steamjack: Its a sort of poorly described Gatling gun that shoots poorly described nonlethal bullets. "I shot him in the face just the stun him."

The blaster weapons the triad are using are Type 47s, and not:
GM: They don't get E-11 Blaster Rifles. Only UNTIL get E-11 Blaster Rifles.
Ultisaur: But those never hit!
GM: Indeed.

I roll 2 threes in a row:
GM: They get extraordinary lucky. I suggest you dive for cover.
Ultisaur: I abort to dive for cover.
GM: thank you.

Steamjack and Silverbolt use rock paper scissors to see who acts first, as they have the same DEX:
Silverbolt: Rock rock rock rock rock rock rock.
*chooses paper, while Steamjack goes rock*

Steamjack gets an idea:
Steamjack: I move half a hex down, then here, then here, then here.
*Cuts a circle of floor away under the mafia bosses*
Steamjack: And that's a half move.
GM: Due to comic book physics, the platform remains completely in place until you've removed all the support, and the Italians get time to take a sip of wine before gravity realizes it has a job to do. It then slams down over the floor below, remains perfectly level, and the Russians take another swing of vodka.

The needle Child has disappeared:
Silverbolt: Where the hell is the Needle Child anyway?
Pinpoint: Hiding in the "Other" bathroom.
Silverbolt: What?
Pinpoint: *pointing to map* Gents, Ladies, Other.
Silverbolt: He was on the floor above us when he disabled Steamjack.
GM: Do you think the Needle Child cares about floors?
Steamjack: I certainly don't.

>> No.12067004

Rogue: *pushes a bedspring down into a pit trap with water, creating a loud noise*
Sorceror's player: That's a bad idea. Remember that movie where something loud fell down into a well? Bad news, man.
Rogue's player: Oh, come on. That was a well, not a pit full of water.
Rogue's player: Oh, dammit.

>> No.12067009

Silverbolt does massive damage to a cyborg:
GM: We can reconstruct him. We have the character points.

Steamjack decides to be fair, and give his foes a chance to stand down:
Steamjack: I shout "Nobody be Chinese or I start shooting." Then I open fire.

Steamjack: How badly do I miss?
GM: entertainingly badly. You're in etch-n-sketch territory.

Wallace gets kicked:
GM: I won't have told him what hit him if he was attacked by the Needle Child.

Ultisaur gets some action:
Ultisaur: See this guy standing next to me. He's standing next to me. Brutus injection!
Silverbolt: On him?!

Ultisaur: This is why you don't take steroids.
*He ripped a guy in half*
Steamjack: Is it intervention time soon?

GM: That was your round. Now it's your next round.
Ultisaur: See this guy?

GM: you guys really need to learn not to go full out on thugs.
Ultisaur: But I don't like thugs…
*breaks both the arms of the second thug*

Silverbolt: I guess they won't give him any more Brutus Injections for a while?
GM: No. I think they're gonna hide all the Brutus Injections in a very safe place… where only VIPER can access them.

GM: There's an Ultisaur in the staircase. He's armed and dangerous. As in, he has someone's arm.

The players are listing things one can do with a power roll:
Pinpoint: Change weather, Change GM. Not, wait only the divine have that kind of power.
GM: Not even them. I control the divine.

>> No.12067010

Shut up. Your species is dimorphic. No one cares.

To a dwarf: "Shut up you Chinese son of a bitch!"

"Jeph! That that chicken is making funny noises!"
"Andrew, that's a dragon."

"Why did you stick your hand in there?!"
"I Don't know! its warm and sticky!"

"Everybody hit somebody!"

"That sounds like robots having sex!"
"I'm not familiar with that sound."

>> No.12067029

oh, btw, I played Silverbolt.
Silverbolt had a readied action:
GM: Two thugs guarding that storeroom, one of which is in comma land.
Pinpoint: What's he doing in comma land?
GM: He tried looking up the stairs.

Going down:
Silverbolt: I think there should be one more hole in this building, don't you?
Steamjack: Sure, I'll deactivate my flight.

Wallace makes an unlucky attack roll and hits the approaching Steamjack. This may have nothing to do with the following exchange:
GM: Steamjack is here.
Steamjack: Am not. I was directly above him, and then deactivated my flight.
Pinpoint (Wallace): Me?
Steamjack: Yes. Abort to dive for cover.

Ultisaur, sure that ULTICORP has shown up by now, goes to get a Nimbus Injection so he can participate in the sewer chase scene, where the triad are ferrying the now upgraded Pinpoint away:
GM: On his was out he gets black bagged by ULTICORP R&D.
Ultisaur: Ok, ok , I'll give up the arm!

The technical side of a chase scene:
Steamjack: They're moving at how many what's per second?

How to stop a vehicle:
Silverbolt: Riding with Wallace on an UNTIL hoverbike: "Pull over, you have a broken tail light!"
*shots lightning at them*
Silverbolt: Well, now you do.

Steamjack: Do hovercraft explode?
Silverbolt: Not unless you hit their engines.
GM: They're fueled by electric eels.
Steamjack: I could do that…
Silverbolt: Don't give him any funny ideas.

A round of combat later:
GM: The fan is working perfectly; it's a very stable fan. The problem is that the fan blades are not so existing.

>> No.12067040

player 1: "this die is fucking curse i could just use a d4"
player 2: "...the d4 rolled higher"

>> No.12067052

A plan:
Silverbolt: Kick the Needle Child in the face and grab Pinpoint.
Pinpoint (as Wallace): Kick the ninja in the face; you don't see anything wrong with this plan?
GM: Did I say the Needle Child was onboard? There's a thug driving.
Ultisaur: De-thug him.

Silverbolt: Who's turn is it?
GM: Theirs.
Silverbolt: You said there was only one thug.
GM: Yes. He has multiple personality disorder.

The players rescue Pinpoint and are wandering what to do with him now that he's a cyborg:
Silverbolt: Here's the question: do we bring Mr. Shorty to the hospital, or the R&D lab?
GM: I think he's going to be safely locked in an UNTIL bunker for a while. Until R&D loses interest.

Ultisaur's victim dies on the way to hospital:
GM: Congratulations. First blood.
Silverbolt: Ultisaur turning into a villain… saw that one coming.
GM: Well, since they do have some competent lawyers at ULTICORP, he got his sentence commuted to community service, which he does as a superhero.
Silverbolt: How is that community service? That's community disservice.
GM: Yes. That's what the defendants were claiming.
this is the end of notes section #1. I have 5 more sections. want em?

>> No.12067161

Okay, bit of backstory on this one. Long-running D&D game, years ago, when I was in high school. Game starts out with the characters getting put under a death curse after finding a box buried in their farm's field, and the campaign consists of them becoming adventurers so they can figure out why there was a box full of death curse in their fucking field. They start out buying cheap gear from a nearby town. One of the characters, a druid named "Dust", purchased a pair of gloves that the shop owner claimed were magic, put them on, and promptly forgot about them.

Fast forward a good three months real-time, and Dust's player is having an angry fit at the table, because for the hundredth time, he has picked up a seemingly innocuous object (in this case a small metal pyramid the size of a d4) and had some horrible, random thing happen to him (in this case, a net trap suddenly yanking him up into a tree). A good five minutes or so into his rant, the DM, in an loud, exaggerated "whisper", turns to one of the other players and says "MAYBE IT'S THE GLOVES."

The force of Dust's player's head hitting the gaming table knocked stuff everywhere.

>> No.12067188

You have more, and you haven't posted it yet?


>> No.12067227

Not a quote, so much as a funny running gag now. Player made a Deva whose reincarnation site was demolished, so he'd reincarnate with jagged, broken memories. He once made a Nature check to taste some strewn blood. DM ruled that the taste of blood (demon's) shocked his memories a little bit.

Now we hear things like "I lick the obelisk. Do I remember anything?"

"I go the library, find a book on the subject, and sit down licking pages."
DM: "Okay, in the middle of your book-licking the librarian, an attractive, middle-aged woman approaches you, asking sternly "Sir, is there something I can help you find?"
Deva: "I lick the librarian. Is she significant?"

"We're at a dead-end. Mark, quick: lick something!"

>> No.12067255

to explain, the "train" now and then mentioned? it's a flying steam powered hovertrain with several floatation balloons to help it along. oh, and it is electrified.
character recap:
Silverbolt: Lightning mage. Also a bit of a transmuter, being able to make food out of thing air, and change clothes as a half action. Fond of practical jokes.
Ultisaur: Genetically modified Brick. ULTICORPs latest genetic super-soldier prototype. His spit is acidic and he's somewhat aggressive.
Steamjack: Steam-powered Power-Armoured Brit. Enough said. Also, he's going slowly mad.
Pinpoint: Asian Acupuncturist hero, and natrual enemy of the Triad. Speedster Cyborg after an incident last time.
Andy: The snot element kid was not present this time, either

Ultisaur caused the teams first kill last time:
GM: It's a 12d6 attack. It's pretty standard. You're just not supposed to use it against unarmored thugs.
Ultisaur: I didn't think the unarmored thug would be so… unarmored.

The usual pile of random:
Steamjack: There is no alter stone at Stonehenge. Stonehenge is a glorified…
GM: Landing site. I know.
Steamjack: Calendar.

Steamjack: Lets discuss this over a bowl of my sedative saliva.

GM: No, you cannot use dead babies for fuel.

Pinpoint: Your brain is Wallace.

Steamjack: For every ten points I add to my [arcane] turbine I add another backpack.

GM: I love improvised throwing weapons. Especially VIPER.

GM: you did hear what I said about government super soldiers, they generally turn into villains… Or Ultisaur.

GM: It was a case of miscommunication. I communicated, he missed.

GM: Range based on plot.

GM: There appears to be a city around you.

GM: There appears to be a city under you.

Steamjack: I beat my roll by yes.

Pinpoint: There's a difference between wanting to kill me, and worshiping me.

>> No.12067273


Steamjack: These are plates. You might recognize them from such movies as Snakes on a Plate, Bears on an Airplane…

GM: Beam the Enterprise down, Scotty.

Steamjack: I'm presuming this train is high orbital.

GM: Scotland is a golf course.

GM (as DEMON thug): Mommy! It happened again, I went to the bathroom and got paralyzed.

Media reporter: Ok, the structure collapsed, and here in the middle of it is the ULTICORP Champions Team Transport.

Pinpoint (in happy teletuby voice): My turn? Kill. Die. Abomination!

Steamjack: Abort to tie shoelaces together.

GM: You recover from Diving for… Ducking … Dodge.

Steamjack: That's interesting. I should smash that.

GM: Lightning cackles down the hallway with a noise not unlike butter being spread over too much toast.

A discussion on the uses of clairsentience:
Steamjack: Come to think of it, there's a much easier way of seeing what is on the other side of a door. CRUNCH "Anyone here?"

Steamjack is considering buying telepathy, and describes the problem with constantly broadcasting all his thoughts:
Steamjack: "you know, it might be cool to be a woman." "WHAT!?"
Pinpoint: Or if we're infiltrating a building: "I wonder if they can see us"
Ultisaur: "They'll never find us behind these crates."

>> No.12067281

Discussing the date 21 December 2012:
Ultisaur: Isn't that the birth of the anti-Christ.
GM: No, that's only if you're Christian. And insane. And American.

Steamjack's new Arcane Blast:
GM: So you basically do magic, and it annoys you?
Steamjack: Yes. "there's no such thing as magic!" *covers his ears* Blah, Blah, Blah!
Silverbolt (mage): Dude! What the hell are you on about?

Another of the powers Steamjack considered buying:
Steamjack: Healing, aka white locus powder, aka "wait, when did I get this?"

Ultisaur has faced a couple of VIPER ambushes this summer:
Ultisaur: I'm not even going out anymore without security.
GM: *evil laugh* And there's your problem.
Ultisaur: Good god, they have moles.

GM: Internal Security are gonna be so happy.
Pinpoint: Why?
GM: They just got something to do.

Silverbolt goes to see his mentor:
GM: The nurse tells you that he left with the nice folks in red robes.

General skills give general answers:
Silverbolt: Wallace made his Supervillain roll by 2, does he know were DEMON might be hiding my mentor?
GM: Yes, he knows DEMON exists.

After a fury of rolls as all the players shout out their vaguely relevant knowledge skills:
GM: Yes, you all know DEMON exists!

>> No.12067296

The players are lead to a strange building, and begin investigating one of the building's heat emitting rocks:
Steamjack: I poke it with a stick.
GM: I'm tempted to say "it pokes you back", but it just acts like a rock at you.
Steamjack: I poke it with my gloved hand.
GM: then you don't feel that its slightly warm to touch.
Steamjack: I poke it with my non-gloved hand.
GM: Its slightly warm to touch.
Steamjack: I poke it with an oscillating fist.

Al Gore is recording the above property damage, while looking up the relevant law sections:
Al Gore: "property damage..."
Silverbolt: "Yes, and dropping red ink on official documents..." *summons red ink*
Al Gore: "Yes, dropping red ink on official… What?!"… "Note to self: Digitalize this book."

They find out that the rock somehow gathers magical energy. Their first thought:
Silverbolt: Power roll to supercharge!
Steamjack: I can help with that!

GM: The rock is now 60 END warmer.
Silverbolt: If I summon pancake batter on it do I receive pancakes?

The rock is slowly releasing its stored mana:
Silverbolt: I calculate, using the rate of heat output, it's temperature and the mana input, when the last spell was cast on it.
Ultisaur: I'm impressed and disturbed at the same time.

GM: Discounting the naturally occurring mana, about 14 hundred years ago…
Ultisaur: Its a rock from Stonehenge!
GM: No it's not. Stonehenge is about four times as old.

>> No.12067308

The ULTICORP contact roll failed as usual, so Ultisaur tries knowledge: military world:
GM: there are very few people in the military world who know stuff about rock. You could try your old army buddy, but he hates mutants, so might not want to help you.
Ultisaur: I don't have an old army buddy.
Silverbolt: You do now. Roll with it. Literary.

Army Buddy: Helping mutants with a geology problem? Let me think about it.
Ultisaur: Magic is involved.
Army Buddy: Ok.

Steamjack: While the army dude arrives I pump in about 50 END per turn.
GM: Silverbolt? The building's pulsating.

Silverbolt: How hot is the rock now? In degrees?
GM: Well into painful.

Steamjack: I MacGyver a thermometer.
GM: the temperature has 4 digits.
Silverbolt: Celsius or Fahrenheit?
GM: Kelvin

The players eventually look around for something that could be a DEMON church:
GM: The church introduction stuff outside is so bogus, that for someone who knows a thing or two about the astrial plain, it looks like someone made a joke.

Steamjack: Mostly I go: "It's SCIENCE! SCIENCE!"

Silverbolt goes to a church service:
Silverbolt: Do I have to make an EGO roll to avoid laughing?
GM: Well, If you thought Scientology was silly…
Silverbolt: Making acting roll.

I start looking up the preacher's stats:
Silverbolt: Just do it from memory and let us win easily.
GM: Not a chance on both of 'em.

>> No.12067319

Steamjack, who has Distinctive features, Public Identity and a reputation, decides to walk into the high security church, carrying a rock that lights up like a Christmas tree to anyone who can see magic:
GM: Right. That was unexpected. *franticly reads through notes* No, wait, there it is.

GM: They're droning on and on about midi-chlorians and how its little demons that live in people and make them do evil things.

Steamjack: Are they paying attension to my rock?
GM: Not that you know of.
Steamjack: It's a mutually assured destruction device. They try anything and I open this box.

The alter is drawing power and building up mana:
Silverbolt: Put the rock on it and see what happens.

GM: So, you're disabling the alter with a needle?

GM: This is just surreal. It's the alter of a bogus religion. It does not have power defense.

142 active points worth of dispel.

GM: always ground your alters.

I look over my notes, and start laughing. Manically:
Steamjack: Why is he laughing?!
Silverbolt: This is bad.
GM: Steamjack, the ground opens up beneath you. You and the rock are now in the sewers. It's like you were sitting on a weak point or something.
Steamjack: I threaten to open the container.
GM: You see the illusion of your ass above you.
Steamjack: I threaten louder.
He then climbed up from the sewers, reentered the church, and sat down next to himself.

>> No.12067328

"I have an 18 charisma, I am 100% sex-weaponry. Sexponry. Look, if you have a tank what do you do with it? You send it into battle! you don't stick it behind some church so it can make babies, you get the treads dirty! Blow some guys" she grinned, "Up."

I don't want to brag, but I've seen a lot of dogs eat shit

Knead me like a desperate baker

"What was that sound? Was it a dragon chasing us?"
Female fighter leans out of coach window. "Yep, but he won't be chasing for too much longer," she pulls back in.
"Oh, good. Why is that?"
"He'll catch up in a moment" She slipped on her helmet, grabbed her weapons, and dove out of the coach.
For lack of a better plan, I threw myself from the speeding coach, too.

"Is that spider your familiar?"
"What? Shit get it off me!"

>> No.12067332

Silverbolt wonders who could cast such a spell:
GM: You know he's powerful, and to bring the illusion up so quickly he probably studied in Britain.
Silverbolt: A student from Hogwarts.
GM: That's in Wales.

The players notice that the piano player is an DEMON necromancer they've dealt with before:
Steamjack: I walk up to the alter and threaten to open the container.

Ultisaur: I'm gonna be hiding in the doorway.

GM: You're standing on a gas pipe.
Steamjack: I'm standing on a gas pipe.
GM: It proceeds to explode.
Steamjack: Why does it explode?

GM: you're about to be mowed down by a crowd. Again.
Ultisaur: This time I stand my ground.

GM: A zombie appears from the closet.
Silverbolt: Is it gay?

GM: And he succeeds in failing that roll.

Pinpoint uses sleight of hand to throw needles at the DEMON morbane without him noticing:
GM: To quote the eternal genius of Richard:
Morbane (looking down to see a trio of needles imbedded in his chest): "Who keeps throwing these?"

At several points during the battle:
GM: I just realized something very, very, very important.
Players: What?
GM: never mind.

Some foes are glass cannons:
Silverbolt: I hit DCV 11.
GM: Then you hit the piano player, who will be very pissed with you in the morning.

>> No.12067358

The alter is an Aid tool:
GM: Lets see, the stone about doubles it… I'm gonna need more dice.

GM: The electricity mage got stunned by electricity.

The players have a habit of saying things at exactly the right DEX for counter points:
Silverbolt: at least we know who the two evil guys are.
GM: two?
Pinpoint: there's a zombie ghoul thing as well…
GM: and these three guys burst into demon forms.

Silverbolt: Everyone who isn't immediately running out the doors is fair game.
GM: Everyone is immediately running out the doors.

Steamjack now tries to throw the super-charged mana rock at the necromancer pianist:
GM: We interrupt your attack action to bring you these messages. And this ball of dark mana.
Steamjack is stunned by the necromancers counter attack.

City magic, means a lot of indirect powers:
GM: The light bulb explodes.
Silverbolt: Who keeps doing that?
GM: That's why I like the guy.

The morbane teleports away while everyone is blinded. Ultisaur can "see" him with his smell sense:
GM: There was a mage. He smelled bad. Then there was no mage. Except Silverbolt.
Ultisaur: He smells bad.

The players eventually throws the magic rock at a mook. The resulting explosion removed half the structural support making the building tip over. The player's counter plan: Drive the train at the building to hold it up for as long as possible while they evacuating the citizens. Then destroy the rest of the first floor, making it collapse strait down, instead of into the nearby orphanage:
Ultisaur: Let's get the hell out of here before the media arrives.
GM: Cue the arrival of the media.
Steamjack: I steam vent to the train, then activate the train's steam venting.
GM: Cue the arrival of the fire department. Now here's the fancy question: Where's your mentor?

>> No.12067373

teamjack has a crisis of faith:
Steamjack: I'd like to point out that I have no obligation to help you so I'm going to Britain.
Silverbolt: There's a bottle of scotch in it for you if you help me.
Steamjack (instantly): I'll help you.

A typical player plan:
Steamjack: Since we've already destroyed everything I suggest we drive the train into the sewers.

Ultisaur: "wait. We don't want to dent the train. Let me strap myself in front of it first."

Ultisaur: I can punch the ground before we hit it.
GM (looking through the move through rules): No you can't. It's moving at a speed of… *tries to calculate it* FAAAAAAST.

GM: 76 STUN. You were strapped in front of this thing?
Ultisaur: Good lord…

Steamjack: And it still dents. It's just a you shaped dent.

Another cutscene:
GM: Silverbolt, standing at the back of the steam train imbedded in the rubble activates his Eidetic Memory. He sees the room that used to be here, and the zombie coming out of the closet. The view shifts dramatically and we see… a ladder.

Steamjack: The train is still steam venting which makes the whole flashback thing kind of ironic, as he couldn't see a thing.

The question of whether the Stormcloud is the only train in town:
GM: there is a monorail three stories up. It was luckily not damaged by the explosion.
Steamjack: Ok, I need to go up and drive through the monorail.

Looting the room, old school style:
Silverbolt: We search through the sewers, do we find anything?
GM: Yes! Dung, lots and lots of dung.
Silverbolt: what kind of dung?
GM (quoting a poem): old dungs, and fresh dungs, | Dry dungs and dysentry
Silverbolt: From what kind of creature?
GM: Humans. Mostly.

>> No.12067392

Pinpoint attacks a zombie he had already damaged, and does minimum BODY. The zombie has one BODY left:
Pinpoint: I kick him in the balls. He's a Zombie, so it doesn't do anything, but it makes me feel better.

Pinpoint (rolling damage on his next attack on the same zombie): Please, please, one BODY or more…
On a 1d6+1…

Steamjack up to his usual tricks:
GM: You're entangled.
Silverbolt: Didn't he tunnel out of the entangle?
Steamjack: Actually I tunneled further into the entangle.
Pinpoint (looking at battle map): Wait, are you inside the wall? Why?!
Steamjack: Because I can, mostly.

A history lesion:
GM: They didn't have radars during the civil war? How did they stop the southerner airships then?
Steamjack: You've been playing too much… What have you been playing too much?
GM: … This …

If wishes were horses:
Steamjack: I need to McGyver a light.
Pinpoint: I need to McGyver a way out of this entangle.
Ultisaur: I need to become fully conscious.

Pinpoint's needles:
GM: bought as "Restrainable: Only By Means OTHER Than Grabs and Entangles"

GM: he'll break out unless he rolls more than one one.
Silverbolt(looking at the roll): One one exactly.
Pinpoint: One one and only one one. One one one one one two.

A table full of mathematicians:
Silverbolt: Basically, the percentage of the maximum velocity used is the percentage of the END cost paid.
GM: Only here would that be considered "basic".

Summaries always sound strange:
GM: the Asian goes super speed to bandage the dinosaur.
Pinpoint: You are now a mummy.

>> No.12067397



>> No.12067410

The joys of invisible mooks:
Silverbolt (after launching an area of affect attack): "B4, do I sink your battleship?"
GM: There's a dislocated voice saying "you sank my cruiser."
Steamjack: Dislocated voice?
GM: As though a ventriloquist is making fun of you.

Steamjack sweeps his room with an autofire attack:
GM: You have a room full of… Whatever it is you fire.

Steamjack then moves on to the corridor:
GM: Silverbolt? The voice in your ear whispers "you sank my battleship."

Silverbolt attacks an "innocent" room in a DEMON complex:
Silverbolt: There is no such thing as innocence, only degrees of guilt.
Ultisaur: You're a lawyer? I'm never hiring you!

and that is the end of section #2. does /tg/ want the next section?

>> No.12067498


>> No.12067565

>Friend is playing a Cleric with Fellowship as his highest stat in a DH game. We're having a convo with a female NPC
NPC: "How do I know I can trust you all?"
Friend: "I convince her we're good people." (rolls his fellowship check)
Friend: (he rolls a 98)
DM: "You stare at her boobs and drool a little."

Somehow she went with us anyway, I think it was probably our Techpriest fixing her gun or something.

>> No.12067577

'ere we go then
They're back, and they're wackier than ever. Part three of the ULTICORP Champions Quotes (from our mega weekend session). Be warned that this session started at 9 pm and went on for six hours, so none of us were quite ourselves. Especially me (the GM), and Andy, who had some jet lag to get rid off, and slept through most of the session.
Silverbolt: Lightning mage. Also a bit of a transmuter, being able to make food out of thing air, and change clothes as a half action. Fond of practical jokes.
Ultisaur: Genetically modified Brick. ULTICORPs latest genetic super-soldier prototype. His spit is acidic and he's somewhat aggressive.
Steamjack: Steam-powered Power-Armoured Brit. Enough said. Also, he's going slowly mad.
Pinpoint: Asian Acupuncturist hero, and natrual enemy of the Triad. Speedster Cyborg after an incident last time.
Andy: Snot Elemental controller.

The usual list of random statements:
Pinpoint (at his glass): Yay! Liquid containment Fields!

Ultisaur: Can we not talk about what my piss would do to Stonehenge

Ultisaur: I wanna change out the following skills: Teamwork, tactics, stealth.

>> No.12067594

Steamjack: How much damage does he die?

GM: Rule one of combat: do not wear red.

GM: The two of you need to start existing.

GM: It's the final mook down.

GM: He's entangled, unconscious and *rolls snake eyes on knockback* over there.

Steamjack: This is my Morbane, there are many like it, but this one is mine. I call it Betsy.

GM: As long as he isn't doing anything fancy… er than flying a steam train.

GM: We do not drink liquid alcohol in solid form.

GM: I shouldn't be gesturing with a coke bottle. *looks at glass* this isn't a bottle.

Steamjack: Inhale deeply through my foot-scent. It will either cure you, or make you pass out.

Pinpoint: I beat my ridicules sh*t roll by two. Can I dip him in mustard?

Silverbolt: We don't want to dent the paintwork of the tank.

GM: I don't 'ate lions. Lions ate me.

GM: I have to include the DEF manually, because someone is stupid. Most likely the computer.

GM: When you're a hundred feet tall and in a mecha, having a sword is sort of redundant when you could have another missile launcher.

GM: My brain is fine. My Blain just needs a little rest. Brain, not blain.
Steamjack: Take a moment to gather up your tongue.

Ultisaur: I tried, I failed, I gave up.

Steamjack: Dude. After a full speed move through with the train, your überbuffed haymaker, his haymaker and my haymaker failed to do anything to it, you still thought spitting would work?!

Steamjack: When R&D arrives, I will change the priority of my targets.

Picking up where we left last time, the players need to reach Stonehenge as fast as possible, and convince UNTIL to teleport them:
GM: 2 seconds and 5 million dollars later, the Champions find themselves onboard the Gateway space station.

Silverbolt: "Stonehenge now. Fight evil, save world, talk later."
Andy: "Ok."
Ultisaur: "See this guy? I'm gonna hit him with this part of Stonehenge."

>> No.12067609

GM: You do remember what Walter (the team ULTICORP contact) said about damaging Stonehenge?
Silverbolt: What did he say?
Walter: "The first killteam to arrive will be from ULTICORP."

Ultisaur: They have a whole team devoted to "Ultisaur f*** ups".
GM: Yes. Its called "Research and Development Division". Oh and "Press Relations".

They begin wishing they had their train:
Silverbolt: Beam it down, Scotty!
GM: You realize that "Scotty" spent 10 million dollars getting YOU here.
Andy: "wait! I forgot something. Beam me back!"

Steamjack has gotten some fish that only he can see, who tell him things, granting powers like telepathy and sonar:
Steamjack: There's not such thing as magic, only advanced science.
GM: "Or so my fish tell me."

A British Hellfire mage is helping DEMON out:
Steamjack: Ultisaur! That guys made out of British! Go eat him!
Ultisaur: Mmm, biscuit flavored…

A name was mentioned to Silverbolt during a private conversation with his mentor:
Silverbolt: Luther Black? Are you ripping of marvel or something?
GM: No… He's official champions IP.

Silverbolt explains the mission to Andy:
Silverbolt: We're looking for a ring. The One ring to Rule Them All!
Andy: Seriously?
Silverbolt: No. I just had to get that out of the way.
GM: There's actually five of them.

Silverbolt tries finding out were the ring is buried:
GM: The Zombies over there are digging, that would be a dead giveaway.

Andy: Stonehenge was built as a hiding place for this ring? That's not a very good hiding place…

>> No.12067629

another piece of info, Andy is played by a female. since Andy is an 11 year old boy who can sing like jigglypuff, we often confuse her gender on purpose.
Tactical planning:
Pinpoint: We should take out the guys digging up the Stargate first.
Silverbolt: Yeah, we've figured out the plot already, you're beaten now GM.
GM: Huh. That could work.
Silverbolt (to Pinpoint): Well sh*t, thanks a lot. Now we're gonna have aliens to fight, too.

Silverbolt: I suggest we start at the outside, and work our way into the chewy center.
Ultisaur: I suggest we start by taking these guys and throwing them at the chewy center.
Steamjack: No no, lets take out the small annoying ones first. Having something beating on you while you're beating on something else is really annoying.

Combat begins:
Ultisaur: I throw this guy at the necromancer.
GM: The necromancer is still in Detroit. That's the British guy.
Ultisaur: I throw him at the blimy limy then.

Silverbolt: You missed the blimy limy!
Ultisaur: Well he's a slimy blimy limy.

A later mission involves an alien probe. Cue notes mix up:
GM: Next up is the alien probe… No, wait. He's not here yet.
Silverbolt: I knew it. It is a Stargate.

GM: Cthulhu Dogs don't exist. Alien Probe doesn't exist. Why are these things on my list?

The morbane charges at Silverbolt with his mace:
Morbane: "Why. Do. You. Keep. Showing. Up?!"
Silverbolt: "Because. Your. Mom. Is. Just. That. Ugly!"
Morbane: "That. Just. Didn't. Make. Sense!"

Andy is very jet lagged:
Andy: He looks British. Like he hasn't had his cup of tea yet.

Andy: Aim for her C-cup.

Andy: I need a paper from the government saying I'm not a rapist.

Some things one just can't prepare for:
Ultisaur: Now would be a great time to turn on my allies
GM: Wait, What?!

>> No.12067636

Everyone rolls Ultisaur's attack for him and all of them roll repeatedly thirteen, until Silverbolt's third try rolls a six:
GM: It's pretty clear that the powers that be want him to miss that demon.
Silverbolt: So he misses?
GM: No. The powers that be are mean. I hereby overrule them.

Steamjack's turn:
Steamjack: I land. Just not, you know, explosively.

Steamjack: I feel like raping their EGO.
GM: Things not to take out of contexts.

Steamjack: I stab them with my mental swordfish, chanting "its science, its science, its science"

I explain how things work:
GM: after Silverbolt defeated the entire southern army with his lightning bolts, the southern army got lightning rods, and then you defeated them anyway. So now that you've defeated the bosses of DEMON with a paralyzing needle, DEMON develops counter measures, and you defeat them with your other needles.

Plot summary:
Ultisaur: So you've found the ring, put it on, and now its the apocalypse?
Pinpoint: Pretty much.

Because no superheroic campaign is complete without an alien attack:
GM: Early one morning two weeks later the serenity of the Champions HQ is rudely interrupted by an explosion and the building shaking violently.

The players have never seen anything like the attacking alien, and Steamjack wants to reroll his KS:Doctor Who roll:
Steamjack: I attempt to McGyver my brain to recognize it. Do I succeed?
GM: What before was red has now turned green. Green has turned blue, blue has turned yellow, and yellow has turned pink.
Silverbolt: He knows this from personal experience from the times he forgot to sleep.
GM: Oh, and everything else turns cyan.
Silverbolt: That happened after the 36 hour mark. At school.
GM: Then we had a test, and I fell asleep. The teacher made me run around the school. Twice. In the cold. I got top marks.

>> No.12067651

Silverbolt makes a power roll to reset his brain with electricity:
GM: Your reality appears slightly more normal.
Steamjack: Are there still fish?
GM: Of course. You paid points for them.

Some weapons are stranger than others:
Ultisaur: What's the thing doing?
GM: It's shooting things. And people. But mostly things.
Pinpoint: It shoots people? That's a cool gun…

After the Alien Probe has been described:
Steamjack: If its really scary, do I lose, or gain sanity points?

Silverbolt: You said this thing was bloated, disgusting, Cthulhu-like, violent, and quite possibly evil. KS:Lawyers roll!

Silverbolt is convinced the attacking alien is vulnerable to shampoo:
Silverbolt: Does her check tell her it's weak to shampoo?
GM: Does she know its made of silicon? Do you know its made of silicon? Is it made of silicon? These questions and more will not be answered on this tv show. Instead: Crazy alien carnage!

Ultisaur makes a successful contact roll:
Ultisaur: I'm hoping they have some powerful experimental anti-alien non-collateral weapon.
GM: Non-col… I hear your words, but they don't make sense.
Ultisaur: Its evil, its an alien and its wrecking the city. I want a brutus injection.
GM: yes, that would be their ultimate experimental weapon…
Silverbolt:"Is it worth the risks, sir?" "by the gods, I hope so!"
GM: And then they teleport out. They don't care that they lack the technology, they do it anyway.

The players look over their steam train's stats:
Pinpoint: How is that concealable?
Ultisaur: Lots and lots of alcohol. *pause* I can make funny quotes too.

>> No.12067661


Steamjack: Why does electricity cackle over the hull? I do not like electricity laughing maniacally at me while I drive.

Steamjack: I can't drive my own train?
GM: No, I can't skillfully drive your own train.

The game time, real time difference explained as the players modify their character sheets so they can fly the train:
GM: here's what's happening: the heroes are piling into the turbolift that will get them up in half a second. Meanwhile, we see a montage of how they all learned to fly it.
The players ram the giant alien with the train, not only doing knockback, but a full six hexes of it:
Steamjack: Did it hit the orphanage?
GM: Well it was 6 hexes away, and you did six hexes *moves alien to right in front of orphanage.*
Pinpoint: Yay, we'll get it next time.

Andy, who been asleep after a bad case of jet lag, comes to for a moment:
GM: It's your turn, what do you want to do about the alien?
Andy: Kill it. * turns around and goes back to sleep*

>> No.12067678

Steamjack notices something important about the train's character sheet:
Steamjack: Owned by ULTICORP R&D department?!
GM: Yes, its on load to you.
Steamjack: On which floor is this department?
GM: In the heavily fortified building on the other side of town.
Steamjack: When this is over I'm going to accidentally demolish that floor.

Steamjack calculates how much END the train has used. Its a bit over budget:
Steamjack: I land.
GM: There is now one less car on the road, and that skyway you were floating over…
Silverbolt: Go, go, Team Collateral.

The GM's throat makes some pretty weird noises, like he's getting a hair ball out:
GM: My biological system was not built to handle this.
Silverbolt: Handle what?
GM: Reality. Who's turn is it?

Steamjack tries advancing his awareness of the tactical situation:
Steamjack: I consult with the fish.
Illusionary fish: "giant mech! Giant Mech! GIANT MECH!"
Pinpoint: I take over the train controls. He is not fit for driving.
Steamjack: I chain-smoke to stay awake. There's a chain and everything.

Pinpoint has no more END for his typical attacks, so tries to take out the probe's eyes with a gatling gun but misses:
GM: You hit the hull next to the eyes.
Silverbolt: Which is made of Wonder-f***ing-flonium
GM: No, US-military-really-wants-to-study-this-ium
Steamjack: Salvage Rights!

Silverbolt: It should take R&D at least two minutes to get a salvage team out here.
GM: Last time you were in combat it took UNTIL 20 seconds to arrive. By that time both the media and ULTICORP were already there. City response time is excellent, when you're involved.
Ultisaur: I'd like to point out that it's not dead yet.

>> No.12067692

We calculate the damage the probe does to Ultisaur:
Silverbolt: Oh, the suspense…
GM: It's killing him.

The players finally spot the reactors on the probe's back, and Ultisaur wants to know if there's any obvious way of detaching them:
GM: It's a military vessel. It does not have a sign that says shot your photon torpedo through this hole to destroy this battle station. And it hasn't leaked the targeting information to the rebel alliance.
Ultisaur: Can they be unscrewed?
Silverbolt: did you bring a wrench?
GM: It's an alien vessel. Did you bring a sonic screwdriver?

GM: Hey! I anticipated this happening! You actually did something I expected! Two days of planning were not completely wasted.
Steamjack: You planned acid spitting effects for two days?
GM: …Yes.

Pinpoint: Does it have a left nostril?
GM: No.
Pinpoint: Can I make one?
Steamjack: Believe me, I've tried.

ULTICORP R&D arrives with a hover truck to capture the heavily damaged probe. Steamjack chases after them:
Ultisaur: I try to stop him. "dude its the R&D department. You don't want to know what stuff they have. At one time I disobeyed, and they had this thing that looked like a cattle prod, only it makes you sneeze. And I'm not talking normal sneeze either, I'm talking snot flying everywhere, hair going static, eyes flying out of your head, and you just feel allergic for the rest of the year."
Silverbolt and Steamjack at the same time: I want one.
Steamjack: and while you say that, I'm about up there.

>> No.12067705

Location, location, location:
Ultisaur: Lets get out of here. We don't want to be associated with this mayhem.
GM: *points to heavily damaged building on battle map* That's your HQ.
Ultisaur: oh… Did someone else see who did this, so they don't think we did?

GM: Five minutes pass, the structure is now back online.

Steamjack pays a visit to the ULTICORP building:
Secretary: "who are you here to see?"
Steamjack: "R&D department"
Secretary: "do you have an appointment?"
Ultisaur: I pick up my cell-phone and call the secretary; "Is Steamjack there? Do not under any circumstances let him…"
GM: "your input is valuable to us, but sadly all our operators are currently busy, please hold." "I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain…"
Ultisaur: Let me show you why I have a spare cell-phone. SMASH.

Silverbolt: Do you remember the last building we destroyed?
Ultisaur: The one with the plasma pool?
Silverbolt: No, the one after that, but thanks for reminding me. That was fun.

Steamjack: Does the secretary respond?
Silverbolt: You're still role-playing?
GM: she continues to ask you if you have an appointment. You begin wondering if she's a robot.
Steamjack: I poke the android.
GM: She activates her force field. At which point he (ultisaur) comes busting in through the window of the revolving door.
Ultisaur: "This isn't metahuman friendly. Also, don't ever let this man anywhere near the R&D department that doesn't exist."
GM: She taps a sign saying no pets allowed.
Ultisaur: "Ok, that's highly offensive, I'm offended, I'm spitting acid on you."
Steamjack: Property damaged noted, I leave.
GM: She taps the next sign saying "no spitting" and the one under that saying "in case of emergency all personnel are protected by force fields."
Ultisaur: I attempt casual conversation "so, what kind of force field model are you guys using these days?"

>> No.12067712

Steamjack teleports up to the R&D department, climbing upward one floor at the time. The safeguards protecting the floor from teleportation attempt hold, and Steamjack ends up a floor about the R&D department, in the press conference room the players have long since been banned from:
Steamjack: I stare at the floor, revving my chainsaw, and look like I'm contemplating something very important. How do the press react?
GM: Photos. Lots of photos of you looking profoundly at the floor, and lots of photos of security guys in power armor dragging you away.
Steamjack: I teleport to outside the window. How do the guards react.
GM: They look around in surprise, then they try not to look silly in front of the press. They look like they planned for that to happen, and then notice that you're right outside the window. Then they brake through the skylight to go get you.
Ultisaur: "We're not paying for that!"

GM: they've had most of their press conferences in a fortified bunker. This is the first one they've had up here since the … incident.

this is the end of part 3. do the cries for moar persist?

>> No.12067803


>> No.12067806

MOAR best group ever

>> No.12067890

The Random:
Silverbolt: It's interesting that our brakes for HERO system are as long as the sessions.
GM: Your existence disturbs me.
Steamjack: If he takes the ring off, the whole world explodes. *pause* In theory.
GM: There's always property damage. This is a Super Heroic Campaign.
Steamjack: You're not quite grasping this Cthulhu thing. There is more to Cthulhu than squid-face.
GM: An Autofire tree is throwing pine cones at her.
Steamjack: I scream at my fish. That is: I blame them for this.
Steamjack: What sort of dog was it before it shook of his face?
GM: You succeed in finding something nervous to hit.
GM: It's sort of like trying to hit the broad side of a barn while inside it. An ork could do that. Two out of three times.
GM: Gaia fails to spot you.
GM: I don't have six fingers, contrary to popular belief.
Silverbolt: Kick the dog, except don't, its spiky.
Andy: Get Bush! Wait, I mean Butch!
Steamjack: Too late, I'm on my way to the White House.
GM: you may want to abort to dig for cover.
Steamjack: I need three fairly unique dice!
Silverbolt: Hey! Give me back myself!
GM: Your segments. It is 12.
Andy: The Christmas session is gonna have one hell of a recap. "Do you remember way back when..."
GM: You're going to push enemy agents into radioactive goo? Do you want a team of VIPER super agents to hunt you guys?
Steamjack: I makes sense from the munchkin standpoint.
GM: The machinegun was relatively unpathetic.
GM: Cybernetic = awesome. It says so in the SPX.
Steamjack: Entangler? I haven't even met 'er!
Pinpoint: Never fart in a wetsuit.

>> No.12067903

GM: Fear of the Huldra caused a time honored Viking tradition of checking whether a pretty woman has a tail. (mimes slapping an ass)
Steamjack: Where did that dice go? It must be a sign from the gods. I only need to roll to dice.
GM: Always stand somewhere where you have duct tape and a weapon within easy reach. (Everyone draws a weapon)

Concerning hobbits:
Andy: They eat ten times a day, they're like locus.
GM: "Oh my god, we have Hobbits in the field. Bring out the pesticide."

A disturbing conversation:
Andy: Steamjack!
Silverbolt: He's in the crapper.
Andy: Nevermind!
Pinpoint: Good Luck!
Andy: Don't hurt yourself!
Silverbolt: Are you analyzing his actions?
Andy: I hear you!
Silverbolt: Careful! She's buying targeting with hearing!
Andy: I can target you!
GM: She doesn't have line of effect so it doesn't matter.
Andy: The door's pretty flimsy, a snot cannonball would go right through.
GM: It's reinforced with lead. I don't want people scrying on me while I'm in the bathroom.
Silverbolt: You're gonna die of lead poisoning, you know that?
GM: Nah, the radon will get me first.

>> No.12067910

And another one:
Andy: I pretty much peed on his bed yesterday.
GM: That would explain a lot, actually.
Andy: NO! What are you talking about?!
Silverbolt: Don't wet other peoples beds!
Andy: I marked it as my own. A perfectly natural phenomenon.
Silverbolt: At least you're moving out.
GM: Yes. You've marked by little brother's territory. And he's throwing the bed away.
Andy: I like this chair. I should pee on it.
Silverbolt: Will you stop peeing on the GM's things! Might as well change your character's focus from snot to piss.
GM: It would be hard to justify an entangle with those special effects.
Silverbolt: No, no, no, no , no. Not an entangle, a sight group flash.
GM: "not the eyes, not the eyes"

Discussing and recaping the plot so far:
Steamjack: <The alien probe] kept walking in and out of buildings to shake Ultisaur off.
GM: Not so much shake as scrape.
Silverbolt: I'm the only one in this party who has yet to commit evil acts.
GM: You're a lawyer. Laaawyeer!
Silverbolt: It's legal
Steamjack: Yeah, he's lawful evil.
GM: After a vicious fight in the bowels of the city under the ruins of a city block... That was your fault by the way, ...
Silverbolt: We destroyed an entire city block. Actually, all his <Steamjack] fault.
Steamjack: Huh?
Silverbolt: Who detonated it?!
Steamjack: Detonated what?
Silverbolt: The building.
Steamjack: Oh, right, the building.

>> No.12067919

GM: That DEMON would be Devious enough to use the Distraction... Lots of alliteration. To much.
Andy: Just when in the night did you write that?
GM: ten minutes ago.
GM: Though ULTICORP is it's usual Silent Self on the Subject... crap. The rumor has it that the probe is being S-studied for new weapon S-systems.
GM: They stole the stuff you stole from them when they were trying to steal it from the museum.

Silverbolt and Ultisaur's mother is threatening to take them home because they didn't clean the house sufficiently:
GM (after Steamjack has explained the situation, with Silverbolt still pleading over the phone): Now all he has to do, is make his bureaucratics roll. *rolls a 7* He should be fine.
He was.

GM: While On his way home from school one autumn day, Andy is struck with the feeling that he is being followed:
Silverbolt: "I think someone is following me" Whack! "Oh, they were."

Andy is attacked by a middle school bully (Butch), and a pair of dogs with squid faces:
Steamjack: She contacted us right? I assume it is a conspiracy related to the Fish, and inform her that I am on my way.
Silverbolt: I know. I'll show up a threaten to sue them and they'll run away whimpering.
Silverbolt: How far away from this place are we?
GM: to.
Silverbolt: Two turns?!
GM: Too far.
Silverbolt: How far away from this place is our steam train?
GM: I see that in the long term Andy is faster than the Cthulhu dogs.
Silverbolt: Unless they move non-combat.
GM: Which they wouldn't.
Silverbolt: Unless to try to get in front of her.
Steamjack: Which would require intelligence.
GM: Checking their INT score... *rolls 18 on the INT roll*
GM: They trip over their own tentacles trying to keep up with you.

>> No.12067934


Silverbolt does a KS: Arcane World roll to see if he can identify these critters:
GM: Lovecraft was a moron. Nothing he wrote about really exists, except in the dreamscape, and there only because some people read too much Lovecraft.
Silverbolt (having gone through most of his knowledge list): Magical effects and side effects. Beaten by 6.
GM: It could be a transformation spell that has gone horribly, horribly wrong.
Steamjack: Or horribly, horribly right, depending on what they were trying to do.

Andy rolls box cars on her TV entertainment roll (the players try everything before going on to do actual leg work):
GM: You think you might have seen it on Teletubies. ... On second thought, that might have been the vacuum cleaner.
GM: Clearly your knowledge of the Arcane has failed you on this matter. Clearly your knowledge of Mordern Culture have failed you on this matter. And clearly your knowledge of Steampunk Mechanics have failed you on this matter.
Pinpoint: Acupuncture! I beat it by 2.
Pinpoint: Steamjack, assist my inventor roll, I'm making Deep Thought.
Pinpoint: Does it at least make a Mac?
GM: nope, you don't succeed by enough for a Mac; you make a Windows.
Andy: Run-time Error!
Steamjack: I press ctrl-alt-del.
GM: reality crashes.

>> No.12067959

Silverbolt makes a bold plan:
Silverbolt: I'll disguise myself as a lawyer, and go over to his house with a court summoning for running Annie down with Cthulhu Dogs.
Steamjack: You ARE a lawyer, just take off your disguise.

Butch's garden starts attacking the players:
Andy: It was a pine tree?! You could have warned us! What kind of a GM are you?!
Silverbolt: He did tell us. We just ignored it because it's a pine tree.
Silverbolt: His plants are programmed to attack anything that walks down his garden?
GM: Apparently. Or just lawyers.

Silverbolt unleashes hellfire on the gas attacking rose bushes:
GM: I wonder whether the gas is flammable. I guess we're about to find out. But first, Steamjack.
Steamjack: no, no, no, I want to see this.

I put a hat on that would put Jayne's to shame:
Silverbolt: Why are you wearing a hat?
GM: Its cool.
Silverbolt: No. No it isn't.
GM: It's been lieing in the shade under my bed. Its not warm, hence cool.

It's a running gag that Andy is a girl (because of the female player):
GM: There is now a boy on your back.
Steamjack: Girl.
GM: I will not confuse her gender. *pause* Note that I said "her".

Steamjack tries to pull Butch over to him:
GM: He catches fire.
Silverbolt: Does he appear to be in pain.
GM: He appears to be charcoal. He catches fire quite quickly.
Steamjack: I scream like a girl and throw him away.

>> No.12067969

GM: Right. Your archenemy spontaneously combusted.
Andy: I'm feeling pretty good about that actually.

The players find out that "Butch" is one of the creations of Telios, the perfect man:
Andy: As in he is a demon?
GM: No, as in he has genetically modified himself to be virtually awesome.
Steamjack: I abort to disagree.

Steamjack tried to steal a poison gas rose while the fire department and ULTICORP R&D argue over who should get them, but it explodes:
Steamjack: Rocket fuel roses.
Steamjack (underground): I stick up my hand, and imitate a rose bush.
GM: ULTICORP fails their PER roll badly, you feel your hand being grabbed.
Steamjack: I counter grab. *Thoomp* "there you are!"
GM: The fire department comments: "bloody gophers"
Steamjack: I pick up the R&D department and put it in my pocket. Does the R&D department object to this?
Steamjack: I scream "My science!" and start up the Arcane Turbine. Which means I start burning ozone.
GM: Which means the R&D department takes three steps back and set up their sensor arrays.

A discussion on the quality of the various chairs in the room:
Steamjack: You need to be able to lean back like this. *Silverbolt deliberately sits as to ignore his advice, and looks comfortable* This is also why I think Silverbolt is subhuman.
GM: That's your reason?!
Silverbolt: Sub? Sub?!
Steamjack: One of them...

>> No.12067980

The players head into the sewers to interrupt a trade between Telios and VIPER:
GM: Trying to find the old chemical plant is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Except the haystack smells far worse and is half a mile wide.
Pinpoint: No problem; needles are my specialty.
GM: It's a metaphor!
Pinpoint: No, its not.
GM: yes, it is.
*repeat trice*
Andy: Actually, its a simile.
GM: ... Boring person.

Navigational cut scene:
GM: It takes about ten minutes to find an entrance into the old sewers
Steamjack: Excuse me?! I could dig a straight line.
GM: Yes. And if you miss the sewers you'd dig a straight line until you hit magma.
Steamjack: That would be annoying...
Silverbolt: But he has sonar...
GM: Sigh. Can you not mess with my cut scene?
Steamjack: Sorry, I thought this one was interactive.

I did this on purpose:
GM: For here it's just following the sign posts and avoiding the more unstable regions. What could possibly go wrong? ...
Steamjack: Oh, come on. Don't say stuff like that.
Silverbolt: You had to say it!
GM: Of course I had to say it.
Silverbolt: Alright every one. PER rolls!

Terrain description:
GM: Platform, Platform, Catwalk, Catwalk, Catwalk, Platform, Pile of Radioactive Goo, Pile of Radioactive Goo.
Silverbolt (to Andy): Up for a swim?

Silverbolt tries to take out the lights:
GM: Only one problem: Capacitor. There was a capacitor here *gestures to space next to a vat of radioactive goo*.
Andy (dripping with sarcasm): That's secure.
GM: They weren't expecting a lightning strike two hundred meters below ground.
The vat was damaged, rapidly making the ground level a very dangerous place to be.

>> No.12067989

GM: So the protective rails are more solid than the containers for radioactive stuff. Yay for Detroit engineering.
Silverbolt: It's pitch black?
GM: yep.
Steamjack: Doesn't the radioactive goo glow?
GM: true, I guess there is some light.
Pinpoint: Very ominous lighting.

A radiation accident:
GM: Ultisaur crouches down, grabs a Brutus and a Nimbus Injection, jabbing himself going Roar!, as he always does.
Silverbolt: who gave him one of those?!
GM: Who knows. Its a cutscene. He flies over here. You (Andy) go "sigh" and follow him over for support. (both players are now using restrainable movement modes and directly over a vat of radioactive goo.) This guy opens fire. With his entangle.

Best without comment:
GM: I can already see it on the forums. Best without comment: Andy: Where do you think the lizard has its penis?
Andy: ... Fine.
Pinpoint: Said in a pool of radioactive acid.

Another glance at a character sheet:
Steamjack: PRE
GM: Presence. The ability to go Buga-buga-buga!
Steamjack: And not being impressed by others going Buga-buga-buga!
Silverbolt: Why do we never go Buga-buga-buga! ?
Steamjack: Actually I'm planning on doing that now.
All players at once: Buga-buga-buga!

Directly from the recording:
Silverbolt: How did he... What the... Shi... Eh, Pinpoint? You're dead. You're very, very dead.
(The joys of having a weapon in VIPER's arsenal that the players are deadly afraid of.)
GM: You may wanna divide for cover.
Silverbolt: ... That works too.
Pinpoint escapes elegantly:
GM: The Thumper continues firing. *to Steamjack* You know that wall you were hiding in? You are now in the open.
Steamjack: I abort to dig for cover.

>> No.12068014

The VIPER agent are now outnumbered:
GM: The remaining VIPER agents surrender.
Andy: Seriously? VIPER agents surrender? I didn't know they could do that.

A characteristics descussion:
Silverbolt: If a 12 year old has high Comeliness it means he's a pretty-boy and gets picked on a lot.
Andy: 20...
GM: He is a pretty-boy who gets picked on a lot, as witnessed by the flammable one.

GM: the sum of the outer angles on a hexagon is 60 times 6, so 360.
Andy: How lame.
GM: You're lame.
Andy: you're getting defensive because I dissed hexagons? That's kind of pathetic.
GM: I've gotten used to making maps with them...

I got one more section of these notes. do want?

>> No.12068092


>> No.12068140

ok then, here's moar!
t's time for the final quotes from The ULTICORP Champions, season one. It's December 21, 2012 and a ten thousand year old game between the forces of hell and heaven is about to come to it's final stage. Caught in the middle of it as one of the most important pieces are the ULTICORP Champions:
Silverbolt: Lightning mage. Also a bit of a transmuter, being able to make food out of thing air, and change clothes as a half action. Fond of practical jokes. Starts this mission kidnapped by DEMON.
Mentor: Silverbolt's mentor, a senile old wizard with a habit of talking to objects, made an appearance. Silverbolt's suspicion that he isn't as crazy as he seems has recently been confirmed, as he discovered that his mentor is in league with Mage-Turned-God Trismegistus.
Ultisaur: Genetically modified Brick. ULTICORP's latest genetic super-soldier prototype. His spit is acidic and he's somewhat aggressive.
Steamjack: Steam-powered Power-Armoured Brit. Enough said. Also, he's going slowly mad.
Pinpoint: Asian Acupuncturist hero, and natrual enemy of the Triad. Speedster Cyborg after an incident involving the Triad and an experimental procedure.
Andy: Snot Elemental controller. At 14, he is the team's youngest member, and a constant headache for ULTICORP's legal division (child labor laws being what they are).

The first thing on my recording:
Andy: Can we cut someone?

>> No.12068149

Other random comments:
Andy(OOC to GM): We've decided that you should be a double agent.

Silverbolt(OOC about GM): Him breeding, Oh dear gods!

GM: Right, shall we get started? We're only an hour late, that must be some kind of record.

GM: Silverbolt, no viewing your character sheet until you die.

Andy: do I have hiccups? …after the radioactive acid…

Steamjack: Uninstaller? I hardly know 'er!

GM (about Ultisaur, OOC): Do we have a sedative?

Andy: My mother stuffed me. Not like a turkey!

Andy: Do you have a loud, I'm mean small, vacuum cleaner?

Andy: How nice. I have two fingers for picking my nose, and two fingers for scratching mosquito bites.

Ultisaur: That zombie there is my newest improvised weapon.

Silverbolt: They are bound by chains of lightning. Chained lightning, get it?

GM: the rest of the agents act like agents normally do. Stormtrooper effect!!!

GM (looking at DEX chart): We're in Zombie Land. Good movie.

GM: Yeah, the cat attacks Christmas Trees.

GM (Eating a dried fish): Tastes like good quality paper.

Silverbolt: Good rolls are lethal, but take forever to calculate.

GM: Zombie rolls 18; zombie has head buried in sand here. Through pavement.

Steamjack: Must. Refrain. From. Calling. GM faggot.

Steamjack: I abort to name my first born.

Steamjack: I forgot I had an oscillating fist.

Steamjack: We're forcing the GM into pedophilia.

GM: Yes, there will be apocalypse Fallout.

GM: Do not make an attack roll with my cookies!

GM: I have a special knockback dice that… only works in 6th Edition. Right.

Andy: You have teeth of lead.

GM: Steam is hot.

>> No.12068167


GM: Have You ever tried to shovel dung into a fourteen year old's mouth?

Silverbolt: You just circumcised a demon. Who now has open wounds. In a storm of crap.

Steamjack: I gather my fist, punch strait through the fourth wall, and steal his thoughts.

Andy: We should all fail collage so we can continue this campaign.

Silverbolt: you're flying the Iron Storm, and you're worrying about hitting things?!

Pinpoint: I aim at this horny guy. Er, this guy with horns.

GM: your train now vibrates to the tune of The Final Countdown.

Steamjack: We've lost a lot of crew to suicidal dives.

Fortune Cookies:
Silverbolt: What you dish out will come back to you… In bed.
GM: Except in bed.
Silverbolt: Humans invented language to satisfy the need to complain … in bed.

Silverbolt: be smart, be intelligent, and be informed … in bed.
GM: Except in bed.
Andy: Does it really say that?!

Silverbolt: Do what you wish as long as you harm no one … in bed.
GM: ...Except in bed?

The traditional family cooking is an acquired taste:
Ultisaur: I hate to be rude, but you could kill someone with these cookies. Literally bludgeon them to death.
Ultisaur: I have to hand it to you, a weapon that doubles as food isn't easy to pull off.

Silverbolt: Why are you eating the hockey pucks?
GM: They're edible.
Silverbolt: That's debatable.

>> No.12068174

>Steam is hot.


>> No.12068182

Andy: Tests of manhood; In some countries they put ants on their skin. In Norway, we eat cookies.

The recap and events since last session: (current date in campaign world dec 21, 2012)
GM: Signs of the apocalypse have been surprisingly …missing. In fact, most of Silverbolt's clients have been suing the Mayans for fake prophesies.
Silverbolt o O (the Apocalypse doesn't happen and they'll sue for it. Yep, I picked the right profession.)
Ultisaur: Lawyers are like cockroaches. You could nuke 'em and they'd still survive to pee on you.
Andy: And make money doing it.

GM: On the morning of the 21th, Silverbolt is missing.
Ultisaur: The 21th? We have to save Christmas! (chanting) Keep him kidnapped! Keep him kidnapped!

A short detour down memory lane:
GM: The first thing you did was attack a DEMON held museum. And destroying a hundred priceless artifacts, nearly tearing the building in two, and destroying a dinosaur.
Ultisaur: That was fun.
Andy: And there was pancakes in the elevator.

GM: your second mission was preventing the second civil war by…
Ultisaur: Beating the confederate army to hell and back.
GM: Pretty much. Then you stole their flag ship train.

GM: Then you raided a VIPER lab, saving Wallace after he was scalyfied.
Andy: Who's Wallace?
GM: The guy you've asked that question about the most times. Lizard cop.

>> No.12068191

Andy: Oh, yeah. I remember Barney. Barney and us, good times.
GM: You don't remember Barney either, do you?

Silverbolt is missing, the trail ends outside a phone booth:
GM: The Champions standing around outside a phone booth "Oh! It might like in Harry Potter..." "I should dig here." *lick lick* *poke*

GM: Yes, he can track him. The problem is, he walked out of the phone book and then the trail goes absolutely cold.
Pinpoint: Why was he in a phone book?
Silverbolt: I'm a listed lawyer…
GM: Phone BOOTH.

Ultisaur: 10, that's a pass.
GM: First of all, there's the unmistakable stench of dung outside the phone bush… Damn you, dyslexics. And the caffeine doesn't help.

Ultisaur's special senses provide a vital clue to what happened here:
Ultisaur: "Oi! I smell Morbane, pooh, and death. Possibly related."

Andy: I say why just morn him and move on.
Silverbolt: I'm not dead!
Andy: You pooped, you're dead.

GM: At this point thunder and lightning appears, and ash starts falling from the sky.
Silverbolt: Wasn't me!
GM: Yes it was.

Ultisaur: "I just lost a dollar to Wallace. I knew I shouldn't have bet against the Mayans."

Andy (about the Mobane): He wouldn't be alive if I could split molecules.
Ultisaur: If you could split molecules the world would end.
GM: Actually, delay the ash until he says that.

>> No.12068203

Never argue with the GM:
(this is the later part of a long argument)
Ultisaur: He did get a tracking implant so you could communicate.
GM: I've been through all the recordings, you never got implants!
Pinpoint: Those were ear pieces.
Ultisaur: Oh. Can we track those?
GM: Yes. Roll. ULTICORP contacts.
Pinpoint: That means no. (8- never works)

Pinpoint: Look, I found his ear piece. It was lying next to the booth.

The players hurry toward the center of the storm:
GM: You crash into a force field.
Ultisaur: Dig under it.
GM: Doesn't work.
Ultisaur: Spit acid on it.
GM: nope.
Ultisaur: Ok, I'm out of ideas.

GM: At this point a truck arrives.
Pinpoint: Ultisaur, throw the truck at the force field.
GM: No. Cut scene. The truck does a donut, and stops right in front of you.
Silverbolt (expecting his mentor to show up): And guess which old geezer walks out of it.
GM: Well, an old geezer, escorted by no less than four VIPER heavies.
(I love surprising my players)

VIPER Sergeant: "He insisted we bring him here. Said you'd be waiting for us."
Ultisaur: "Ok, you can come with us. But if you turn on us, A: my scales are bullet proof, B: I will spit acid on you."
Steamjack (eyeing the agent's weapons): "They don't use bullets."
Ultisaur: "C: I WILL spit acid on you."
Silverbolt (OOC): They're VIPER, they're probably prepared for that eventuality.

Ultisaur: Lets just ask the old freak to get us through the force field.
GM: Silverbolt, you are now playing the old freak. His words.

Andy: Why is VIPER on our side? Have I missed something?
GM: They hate DEMON, they've been fighting for years.
Silverbolt: You can never have too many enemies. They eventually just get in each others way.

>> No.12068218

The mentor knows where Silverbolt is, and it isn't inside the force field:
Silverbolt (as mentor): Idiots who hang out with my apprentice. That way!
Ultisaur: Call me an idiot again and I'll spit acid on you.
Silverbolt: Irrelevant. That way.

Meanwhile, Silverbolt is dead:
Silverbolt (looking at the battlemap): Oh, good, you have it all set up. Wait… They crucified me?
GM: They crucified you and drained you of blood.

GM: You are not in heaven, but in some kind of mud hut. An African mud hut with all the masks and drums and everything. (note: The room we're roleplaying in is covered with african masks and drums) Sitting across from you is a man in a gray business suit.
Silverbolt: "I take it your business isn't going so well, either."
Trismegistus: "My business is going perfectly well, thank you. My ten-thousand year old plan is just coming to conclusion."
Silverbolt: "Oh, right, you're that guy. Quick question: Is it your fault that I'm dead?"
Trismegistus: " Sort of. I wrote the prophesy that made them kill you."
Silverbolt(sarcastic): "Thank you so very, very much"
Trismegistus: "Don't worry. As long as your senile mentor and your teammates don't mess up, you'll be back in a jiffy. "
Silverbolt: "Why not just destroy the world now and get it over with."
Trismegistus: "In my defense, I couldn't modify the Prophesy too much, or they wouldn't attempt this thing and the world would end anyway. I'm sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place."
Silverbolt: "Ok then. One last question: Got any popcorn?"
Trismegistus: *pomth* (casts Silverbolt's signature food summoning spell)

GM: It's a random dimension. He tore it out from the time-space continuum around ancient Mesopotamia, for fun.
Silverbolt: Something taken completely out of context, then.
Steamjack: What happens when you remove matter from a point in the time stream?
GM: He replaced the lost matter with food, thus avoiding any side effects.

>> No.12068226

Combat begins:
Silverbolt: I don't have this guy's character sheet, so just tell me when I'm up.
GM: No worries, you have the exact same DEX as Silverbolt.
Silverbolt: Oh great, tied with Steamjack again. Just lower his DEX for being senile, please?
Steamjack: I'm not senile. Oh, wait.

Ultisaur: Where's the closest enemy, I need to kill someone.
Silverbolt: "Oh, that's giving me a lot of confidence. (to Trismegistus) That's the idiot who kills everyone."

Silverbolt (playing the mentor with a cosmic power pool): Why do you let me do these things?
GM: 'cause its an 11- activation roll, and I get to decide the side effects if it fails.
Silverbolt: worth it. So very, very worth it.

GM: stop sign powers should not be used in a power pool, except in very special circumcises. Which boils down to "when it's funny".

Steamjack: Zombies, though. I can use my chainsaw.
GM: Appropriate tools for the job is a +1 OCV bonus.

Discussing the power level of the mentor:
Pinpoint: Senile magician, that's a scary thought.
GM: Yeah. At the peek of him power, he could probably have killed everyone in this room. And you're outdoors.

Another dice is dropped on the floor:
Andy: there's a black hole under the table.
GM: Does it contain anything dangerous?
Steamjack: It's a black hole! It contains a lot of … dense. Many, many dense.
Andy: Dense dice.
Steamjack: It's a cubic singularity that could be used as a dice in a pinch, though that's probably not a good idea.

The player's have each gotten a damage upgrade from various sources:
Silverbolt: Roll the chainsaw damage. 3d6+1 AP.
Steamjack: It's not armor piercing.
GM: It is now.
Silverbolt: Don't argue with the GM.
GM (doing points calculations): Actually, wait.
Andy: Roll! Roll!
GM: Nope, still 3d6+1 AP.

>> No.12068240

Counting the damage of our friendly neighborhood Ultisaur:
Ultisaur: 18 BODY.
GM: 30, 40, 50, 60…
Ultisaur: I think he's in GM's Discretion Land.
GM: I think he got knocked completely through GM's Discretion Land and came out on the other side.
Ultisaur: I may or may not have just ripped someone in two again.
GM: 72 stun. That's a campaign record.
Silverbolt: Wait! Knockback!
GM: 18 minus … 3. Roll that again, but add another dice.
Silverbolt: Look at the knockback vector.
3 DEMON agents knocked off the map. The one he punched was at -4 BODY, and -120 STUN.
Ultisaur: I'm doing that again!

Silverbolt (after similar attacks from the other players): bet you weren't expecting us to be this lucky.
GM: I was. I had a backup plan; it's about to initiate.

GM hints:
Steamjack: Could I haymaker?
GM: You could. And that would normally be safe, as zombies normally have speed 3, so haymakering this segment would normally be OK.
Silverbolt: that means don't.

Ultisaur wants to mess with the DEMON ritual that, unknown to DEMON, will prevent the end of the universe:
Silverbolt: Don't touch it. Don't.
Ultisaur: See, you're saying that, but I'm just hearing "pick up the whole cross and attack someone with it."
Silverbolt: GM? Is he going to doom the entire universe?
GM: Probably.
Pinpoint: Does that count as collateral damage?
Steamjack: That would be a fun end to the campaign, actually.
Ultisaur: Pretty fitting actually.

>> No.12068248

Side effects?
Ultisaur: Get the mage guy over here. Silverbolt needs a rez.
Silverbolt: He's busy putting out the fire on his cloak.

Silverbolt shares his grade sheet:
Andy: F*** you. F*** you hard. In the anus. With a carrot. A spiky carrot.
GM: I've taken a lot of your quotes out of my book, but I'm keeping that one. There is no way of misunderstanding it in a good way.

Steamjack gets knocked out by a zombie who plans to attack him again. Pinpoint is up next:
Pinpoint: I sit down and laugh.
GM: Pinpoint takes a recovery.

A force field is blocking of access to the city center were DEMON is opening a Hellgate:
Ultisaur: how do we get through the force field?
Steamjack: The sewers, of course. The answer is always the sewers.

After an insane amount of suggestions for how to handle a situation, Steamjack offers another strange alternative involving ramps, steam trains, a cross and a donkey:
GM: so you're going to…
Steamjack (interrupting): SCIENCE!!!

GM: You don't have the time to build a giant air cannon for the lizard.
Steamjack: SCIENCE!!!

The players decide to simply walk through the obstruction, to face an old friend:
GM: Heading through the maelstrom of mana, you are met with a battle cry of "You bastards! You left me paralyzed on a toilet!". About two tons of dung shortly materializes above your (Pinpoint's) head.
Silverbolt: I abort to catch it in a force wall.
Andy: Was I asleep during this session?

>> No.12068256

Ultisaur: I wanna throw him off the building.
Silverbolt: Please don't.
*repeat four times*
Ultisaur: I wanna throw him into the orphanage.
Silverbolt: Ok.
Andy: Sure.
Pinpoint: Fine.

The players are currently in a building designed to pull in mana and store it, with the side effect that it's prone to suddenly releasing all this energy when effected by kinetic force (this was established in an earlier mission). Also in the building is an Atlantian Warding Stone which, as well as being known to be able to set up impenetrable force fields, focuses and amplifies mana effects. This ability can be enhanced by an electric device (which has been done here). On site is Captain Collateral (Ultisaur) and a storm mage. A rough estimate suggests somewhere around 200d6.
Silverbolt: "Good evening, sir, would you like to see our menu of apocalypses?"
Steamjack: I just want to say: By burning a lot of ozone, I can pump up to 70 END worth of mana into the building per turn.

Silverbolt: "I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of Apocalypse."
Pinpoint: Chunk Norris.

Andy makes her/his move:
Andy (pointing at a battlemap model): Can I hit him from here?
GM: Yes… But it's Pinpoint.

Andy: Can I Cannonball him?
Ultisaur: That sounds vaguely dirty.
Pinpoint: It's (s)not.

Andy: I'd like a Snot cocoonie in real life sometimes.
Ultisaur: That's disgusting.
GM: I agree, actually. Not with him, with you.
Ultisaur: I'd like to have acid spit in real life sometimes.
Steamjack: That's disgusting.
Andy: I agree, actually. With Steamjack.

>> No.12068268

Silverbolt is attacked by a crap based entangle. He sets up a force wall to intercept:
GM: Congratulations on your new cocoon.
Silverbolt: Next phase: hamsterball attack.

Silverbolt: I'm reading the newspaper in there.
GM: You summon today's newspaper. The headline: Apocalypse Now.

Steamjack has steam vented, playing marry hell with everyone's senses:
Pinpoint: Can I feel anyone?
Silverbolt: You realize that anyone you could feel would be covered in fecal matter? This is a battle hampered by how disgusted we all are.

A crap golem is destroyed and knocked into the surround mana storm:
GM: Mechanical effect: Darkness to sight, hearing and smell/taste over the entire area. SPX: The sh** just hit the fan. It's flying everywhere to the point where it is hard to see. Think dysentery.

After a lot of work, the players defeat the crapomancer and open a hole in the force field blocking of the city center. They also now have recovered an Atlantian Warding Stone:
Steamjack: I channel a few END worth of mana into it.
GM: The hole gets smaller.
Steamjack: I channel 70 END a turn into it.
He's knocked out by his teammates.

Ultisaur: Silverbolt? Can you drain away the mana?
GM: This is the mana gained from the sacrifices of five of the world's most powerful mages done on layline intersection points, all from a bloodline that's over ten thousand years old. Including him.
Silverbolt: This I why I never do anything he asks me to.
Steamjack: If I could funnel that through my arcane turbine I could destroy all the world's ozone.

>> No.12068280

Silverbolt has a vision about what DEMON is going to do:
GM: Your vision has 333 DEMON brothers singing in perfect harmony with 333 demons, making 666 total, duh.
Steamjack: All singing off key?
GM: In front of a massive Hellgate in the city park.
Silverbolt: Everyone into the train. Road trip.

GM (Revealing a battle map of the city park): This was the first battlemap I made, and it was supposed to be used in the final battle of the campaign. Then, last night, it hit me: Nah, they're going to use the Steam Train. (Reveals scaled down map underneath)

Ultisaur: Where are we?
GM: Imagine for a moment that you have a city map. Which you probably do.
Steamjack: It's more of a city etching.

Silverbolt: On the way over there I summon a storm of epic proportions.
GM: There already is one.
Silverbolt: I intensify it.
GM: The sky is bleeding, amongst other things. It's raining custard from the heavens.
Silverbolt: I kept the umbrella!
Silverbolt: The ultimate power roll! I want to make it rain holy water.
Ultisaur: Holy Custard!
GM: Ok, it's raining holy water. I need a walk… You broke the DM.
Silverbolt: DM?
GM: See how broken I am?

>> No.12068291

Silverbolt: Today's weather forecast is holy, with a chance of Armageddon.

The stats on the captured team transport, the Iron Storm, are listed:
Andy: How did we beat this thing in the first place?
GM: You cut of the balloons, pushed it into a ditch, then dug it up again to chase down it's creator.

Silverbolt is still coming to terms with his new form:
Silverbolt: I'm a lawyer and <the holy water] isn't effecting me.
GM: You're an angel.
Silverbolt: How did that happen, anyway?
GM: Remember the stuff the pumped into you on the cross? Angel blood.
Silverbolt: Not very bright, are they?
GM: Remember who altered the prophesy just a little bit?

The morbane's turn; the GM looks over what he can do at the currently extreme range:
GM: That would be stupid. Do you know just how stupid that would be? (rolls INT) You idiot.
Silverbolt: He shocks it, doesn't he.
GM: Yup.
Silverbolt: He shocks the lightning tank. Let us return the favor.

Referring to a zombie model:
GM: It was actually originally supposed to serve as a Daemonhost.
Steamjack: (stares blankly for a few seconds) Oh, right, Dark Heresy, a roleplaying game.

Later in the battle (after Ultisaur fell out of the sky and Silverbolt killed a giant demon) Pinpoint figures he should help Ultisaur fight the morbane:
GM: The Chinese guy jumps of the train. It's 250 meters up in the air.

GM: Segment 12. You're airborne. You've moved another 120 hexes.
Pinpoint: I haymaker an attack on the morbane.
GM: Well, nowhere does it say that you have to be stationary to haymaker, and you arrive next segment…
Pinpoint: And I have nothing better to do.
GM: You should do a move through. The velocity damage would be amazing.
Silverbolt: So would the velocity penalty to OCV. Surprise bonus. Surprise bonus!

GM: The demon in between you and the morbane moves to intercept. He whacks at you with his sword.
Silverbolt: Velocity based DCV.

>> No.12068300

GM: The morbane attacks Ultisaur, taking a bit of a risk.
Pinpoint: Lowering his DCV?
GM: Among other things.

GM: I just realized something horrible.
Players: what?
GM: (pointing at an object directly in-between Pinpoint and the morbane) That is a portal to hell.

GM: Alright. Pinpoint is up.
Silverbolt: You're either gonna have to make an attack roll, or abort the whole thing.
Pinpoint: How do I abort at this point?
Silverbolt: You don't.
GM: First make an acrobatics roll to jump the portal. And god help you if you fail. And me, because I need to figure out what happens.
Pinpoint: God help the devil, for I will poke him.

GM: So -20 on your OCV, and +33d6 damage. Get a +10 coolness bonus.
Pinpoint: I beat my acrobatics by 9, does that help?
GM: You beat it by more than half. Take another +5.
Steamjack: You're being generous today, aren't you?
GM: It's a one in a million, and if he fails his attack roll he takes the whole 40 something dice of damage.

GM: Holy F***, he could spread the attack.

GM: So at the moment 23 DCs plus whatever needle you're using.
Pinpoint: Healing needle!

GM (muttering repeatedly): The f***er, he would.

>> No.12068308

GM: what DCV did you hit, exactly?
Pinpoint: 13.
GM: He currently has DCV 12. Her is the problem: he has a held action, and he is a smart and resourceful mage. He teleports.
Silverbolt: Can I abort to counterspell?

Silverbolt: So I need a 9 or less. (rolls) 11.
The rolled six then mysteriously turned to a two.

Counting the damage of the attack:
GM: You put the Final Countdown back on, I'll do the Final Countdown.
40 BODY, 138 STUN, and -2 on the knockback roll. We didn't bother rolling the damage from the knockback.

Pinpoint: He crashes into the morbane at 178 km/h, creates a 50 meter deep crater, then gets back up "I'm ok" .

Steamjack lands the train on the portal to hell:
Silverbolt: There goes my cool idea for wrecking it.
GM: You'd think the business end of a Flying Steam Train would be cool enough.
Steamjack: Which end is the business end? All of them!

The after action report:
GM: DEMON tried and managed the same thing in London.
Pinpoint: Hellgate London? Interesting.
GM: In other words, the weather in London has improved.

GM: So ends season one of the ULTICORP Champions.
Silverbolt: Even when we save the world from utter destruction, the collateral we cause is quite spectacular.

>> No.12068321

GM: Season two actually has slightly more intrigue.
*worried looks from several players*
GM: There will still be plenty of combat and explosions, of course.

To finish off, here are some of the epic things that occurred:
GM: End of Segment 4: harpy reinforcements arrive. Beginning of Segment 5: Pinpoint jumps twelve meters straight up, places a pair of needles neatly into the nerve centers controlling their wings, lands here, and the reinforcement crash down on either side of him, and are knocked out.

GM (After the holy rain): This must be what the apocalypse would be like. If it was happening to hell. The flights of harpies patrolling the area become screaming missiles as they crash, bleeding, into the ground. The morbane, hooked up to a PA system, curses so loud it rocks the nearby buildings. The few windows that still have glass in them shatter. The hell hounds running around wither and die like weeds sprayed with acid. The morbane takes flight, with a pair of greater demons. The greater demons are the size of your steam train, and look like the Balrog, except the rain is putting out their fires.

GM: All the hiding civilians scattered around the inner city have been listening to this creepy chanting for hours, and then the ULTICORP Champions arrive and start playing this loud enough to drone out DEMON. (The Final Countdown starts playing) Having turned the train into a giant speaker. A pair of UNTIL jetbikes arrive and move into wingman positions on either side of the train.

>> No.12068327

GM: Pinpoint jumps off the train, goes into standard skydiving position, and takes aim towards the black winged Morbane. While moving at 178 kilometers per hour, he leapfrogs over a portal to hell using the opportunity to refine his aim. Just before hitting the Morbane He lets out a cloud of needles, and hits every nerve center with them. He then bounces off him, transferring enough pure kinetic energy to create a crater 50 meters deep. He then lands on his feet directly in front of Ultisaur, and begins dusting off. He's attacked by the last of the Mega-Demons, but Ultisaur punches it, and Steamjack finishes it off by landing the steam train on it and the portal to hell.

GM: The sky starts clearing up, with the first ray of sunshine coming down as a pillar of light on Silverbolt, expanding out to your gathering comrades. The wave of light dispelling the ash filled darkness moves out to take in the destruction of the scene, from the steam train park in a pile of rubble next to a crater; to the corpses and demon parts and custard lying around the city park battlefield; to the ruins of the inner city, where most of the buildings are in pieces; the dead harpies scattered over the few still standing buildings. Past the ULTICORP main building, where Agent Wallace is just finishing up the last demon in the lobby, before squinting up at the sudden light. The surviving UNTIL agents wander over to him to look out at what left of the city. It hits the force field surrounding the inner city, which then collapses, and the buildings that the force field has gone through collapse around it as the wave of light reaches them. It expands ever further outwards until the entire city is drowning the angelic light of a dawn they never thought would come.
Ultisaur: In other words, just how Detroit used to be.

>> No.12068380

and that's the end of the written notes.

we played an awesome dark champions game over the summer, where the entire party was a group of insane murderous vigilantes in modern day russia. tons of epic quotes were had, and the whole session recorded, but our DM has not found the time to scribe the quotes. some other day, when he has, I shall give you the tale of Sergeant Shotgun and his killer friends: including a shellshocked sniper, a musclebound retard who thinks hes the son of thor, and a scientist who likes to throw acid on people.

>ticeable woutice
I agree, captcha, I agree.

>> No.12068413


>> No.12068520

Is it archived anywhere?

>> No.12068549

not that I know of.

>> No.12068564


>> No.12068614

It actually is. Someone fucked up & accidentally archived this in place of another thread.

>Bastion's Reach Subjugation
I think I'll get on the sup/tg/ IRC tomorrow & see if anything can be done about changing the name, description, and tags.

In the meantime voting it up would be wise if you want it to hang around for a decent length of time.

>> No.12068753

There is so much epic and win and awesome and... and... and I don't have words for it... I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight

>> No.12068763

Next time you guys play, stream it live.
Do it!

>> No.12068929

this thread has made me cry about the fact i shall never in a million years find a group as awesome as the one i have been reading about

>> No.12068984


>> No.12069105

God damn, how long has this supergroup been gaming? As I read through that I just kept thinking "It'll be years before I get my group to engage at this level. Oh god."

>> No.12069167

GM: The mecha turns and starts scanning for new targets. What do you do?
Player 1: I hide in a box.
GM: The scanner passes over you. Everybody else?
Player 2: Scream Snake at the top of my lungs apparently.

Before the fight
Me: We need you to distract her while we take out her bodyguard.
Player 1 (in accent): I know! I'll stick my thumb up her bum, that'll really piss 'er off!
After the fight
Player 2: How'd it go?
Player 1: My thumb stinks and I think I'm engaged.
Me: (Suddenly wondering WHAT THE HELL and wishing I hadn't gone to the can)

Satan: You will retrieve the child.
Player: What's in it for us?

After my "distraction" destroys literally half the fortress.
Me: How was that?
A flaming skull falls from the sky and bounces past the cyber-paladin.
Paladin: That... will suffice.

GM: Your boss calls you in to introduce you to your new teammate.
Me: I start taking bets on how many days he'll survive.
Player 1: Count me in for three.
Player 2: I'm going to be generous with a week, and I'm calling dibs on his weapons.
GM: He's a sniper.
Player 2: SHIT!
Me: Dibs on his rifle! I'm going for five days on the nose.
Player 3: That's cheating! You're the healer!
Player 4 (The FNG): What the fuck kind of game am I getting into?! You had me write a character history for this?!

Player 1: Did you munch on a retard pill today or something?

GM: Ah, yes. Werewolf: The Apocalypse. The only game where you can get your arm lopped off but your battle scar removes your wang. (Pause) Jim, open your mouth and your character is paraplegic.
Player 1: Well, it is an appendage...
Player 2 (Jim): (Muffled noises and frantic pointing)

Being confronted with a Horror From Beyond
Player 1: I think I've seen a porno like this once.
GM: There's no tentacles.
Player 1: Then I've DEFINITELY seen a porno like this once.

>subject shener

>> No.12070630

10th level barbarian versus displacer beast packlord, party wizard and cleric have been doing damage, my PC hasnt been doing shit cause, while raging, doesnt realise displacer beast isnt there, rolls critical miss

DM: Okay so you were swinging at where you think the displacer beast is?
ME: Yes...
DM:...and you actually swung wildy to the left?...(we have this thing where we describe what happens when we fumble)
ME: Yes.
DM:...Packlord is cleaved in two...
ME: Wait what?
DM: You missed, so you hit.
Cleric: To the left! To the left! Everything it was in two on the left!

fucking lol'd for 30 minutes, Cleric got hella experience for it

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