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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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[ERROR] No.10958082 [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

Alright lads, I got this joke:

A dropship of veteran Sisters of Battle is shot down, and all aboard die. There is a bright white light, and the Sisters find themselves atop a white marble tower with a small fountain in the middle. Blue sky and white clouds surround the tower, but all immediately recognise the Emperor standing before the fountain, arms open wide.

"My faithful servants, you have served me well in countless battles. However, I cannot yet grant you peace, as I sense the taint of men on more than one of you."

The Sisters murmur and look around their number in shock, before the Emperor raises his golden gauntlet and gestures to a young sister, the unit's medicae Sister Velum.

"You. Have you had any congress with a man?" he asks, voice commanding yet gentle. She nods, ashamed.
"Yes. I was treating a wounded Guardsman and... well, I pleasured him with my hand."

The other Sisters are outraged. The accused tries to defend herself, telling of the extra penance she forced upon herself and the countless hours she prayed for forgiveness, but eventually she stops talking, expecting the Emperor's divine wrath. But the Emperor merely gestures to the fountain.

"Fear not, my servant. Your service in life was far greater than your transgression. If you wash your hands in my fountain, your soul will become purified."

>> No.10958095


The medicae meekly walks to the fountain, all eyes upon her, and washes her hands in the cool water. As she does, white light bathes her and before she can turn to bid farewell to her friends Sister Velum disappears to her reward.

The Emperor looks around the remaining Sisters. "I still sense the taint of men upon this unit." Again, he raises his great golden gauntlet and singles out a Sister, this time the Heavy Flamer wielder Sister Areale.

"And you? Have you had any congress with a man?" the Emperor asks, eyes looking into hers. As before, the sister nods.

"Y-yes, o Divine Emperor... I... I once pleasured a member of your Inquisition... with my breasts..."

The unit once again erupts at this, although not as loud as it had the last time. Sister Areale averts her gaze to the white marble floor before she weeps in shame.

"I... I did not perform as much penance as Sister Velum, a-and my transgression is greater... I am not worthy to stand by your side...” she sobs before awaiting judgement. But once more, the Emperor merely smiles and gestures her forth to the fountain.

“Fear not, child. I know what happened, and the sin is his, not yours. Please stay your tears, for I will not damn you. You have earned my reward. Please, bathe in my fountain and I will give you your reward.”

>> No.10958100


>> No.10958107


Sister Areale is humbled by the Emperor’s compassion. Just as meekly as Sister Velum before her, she steps forward and strips of her armour and robes to stand naked before the small fountain. She starts to wash her breasts with the water silently when a commotion breaks out at the back of the unit. All eyes turn to Sister Daphene who is pushing her way through the ranks to stand at the front. The Emperor looks to her with a puzzled expression.

“What is the meaning of this?” he asks her gently. The sister replies huffily.

“If I have to gargle this water, I would rather do it before Sister Lavisa has to wash her arse with it!”

>> No.10958122


>> No.10958139


>> No.10958152

Great, I laughed. Now I'm a heretic too. Thanks a lot.

>> No.10958153

>I was treating a wounded Guardsman and... well, I pleasured him with my hand.

Looks like the Guardsman's wounds...

>> No.10958155

You are funny, guardsman.

When your Commissar BLAM's you for having humor, remember it is only because he is sad that he will never fuck as many Sisters of Battle as you will when you go to the next life.

>> No.10958160

Okay, I laughed.

>> No.10958162

... caused his little death.

>> No.10958170


Came in HANDY would have been YEEEAHworthy.

>> No.10958202

Yeah, I think I'm losing my touch...

>> No.10958214

That's funny.

But Sisters don't need to be chaste.

>> No.10958219

Ssh, you'll ruin the joke.

>> No.10958225

That's why they got some water to wash themselves with.

>> No.10958230


I just say, "Bigs up, playa. How you been, Big E?"

>> No.10958235

>handjob joke
See? Now your humor emitters are recalibrated.

>> No.10958243

The phone rings at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demands to know how many vehicles are operational.

Paddy answers, "We've got 12 Chimeras, 10 sentinels, three Trojans and that Bruennhilde the fat-assed commissar drives around in." There is a stony silence.

"Do you know who you are speaking to?" demands the gruff voice.

"No," says Paddy.

"It is the so-called fat-assed commissar you so insubordinately referred to."

"Well, do you know who you are talking to?"

"No," roars the commissar.

"Well thank goodness for that," says Paddy as he hangs up the phone.

>> No.10958349


Sister Lavisa just got told.

>> No.10958374

Fucked if I'm getting BLAM'D with the rest of you heretics.

>> No.10958408

A Blood Angel Commander, an Ultramarine Commander and a Cadian Commissar are having fun bragging about how brave and loyal their troops are and they decide to have a test to see who has the bravest troops. The Blood angel commander calls one of his troops and says "You! Jump into that engine!" and blood angel immediately says "Yes Sir!" and jumps into the engine and dies, creating a bloody mess. The blood angel commander says "hah! that took bravery!" The ultramarine commander says "hah! that was nothing, watch this!" and calls one of his troops and orders him to jump off the ship they are on. The ultramarine instantly says "Yes Sir!" and jumps off the ship, never to be seen again. the ultramarine commander says "hah! that took bravery" and the commissar says "hah! that was nothing, watch this!" The commissar calls on of the guardsmen in the platoon he is attached to, hands him a plasma pistol and orders him to shoot himself in the head... the guardsman shakes a little, trembles, hesitates then says "no sir, I can't do it..." the commissar says "now THAT is what I call bravery!"

>> No.10958598


I don't get it.

>> No.10958612

You suck then...

>> No.10958636

He's brave (or stupid) enough to disobey a commissarial order.

>> No.10958652


>> No.10958661




>> No.10958711

>implying disobeying an order from someone in the imperium is stupid

Oh shit nigger.

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