/sci/ - Science & Math

[KILLacta.org No.4475841]

ITT: Science jokes

[Anonymous No.4475853]

The bartender says, 'We don't serve your kind around here.'

[Anonymous No.4475856]

A proton walks into a bar. It's part of a human. The human is an alcoholic and this is the fourth night in a row he'll drink until he passes out. His life is ruined and his family hates him.

[Anonymous No.4475860]

lol, Einstein looks like Anne Frank in that pic.

[Anonymous No.4475910]

>>4475853

A tachyon walks into a bar.

[Anonymous No.4475911]

>>4475910
followed by a neutrino which is way too slow

[Anonymous No.4475915]

get a haircut ya dope smoking hippie faggot

[Anonymous No.4475929]

Your mother is so fat, the escape velocity at her surface exceeds 3x10*8 m/s.

[Anonymous No.4475936]

>>4475929

>implying fat is dense

[Anonymous No.4475938]

>ms^2
>not ms^-2
What kind of measurement is that

[Anonymous No.4475939]

>>4475938
Sounds to me like a perfectly valid unit.

Not sure what it means in human terms though.

[Anonymous No.4475941]

>>4475938
they clearly forgot the /

[Anonymous No.4475942]

ε < 0

[Anonymous No.4475946]

>>4475942

<span class="math"> \bf{LIKE HELL IT IS} [/spoiler]

[Anonymous No.4475948]

>>4475942

<span class="math"> \bf{LIKE~HELL~IT~IS} [/spoiler]

[Anonymous No.4475953]

The CERN bartender says, "What'll you have?"
A neutrino walks into a bar.

[Anonymous No.4475962]

OC:
What's the difference between friction and fox news? Only one's a conservative force.

...Although they both cause retardation.

[Anonymous No.4475978]

>>4475953
The bartender says, "God damn it, not again," and tightens the cables.

[Anonymous No.4475984]

>>4475978

[Anonymous No.4476004]

\bf{LIKE~HELL~IT~IS}

[Anonymous No.4476640]

An infinite number of mathematicians, a polar bear, helium, and a neutrino walk into a bar (ouch). One of the mathematicians then says, "the bar is now empty" and they begin to play hide and seek. The neutrino is then stopped by a police officer. Officer Heisenberg says, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" The neutrino replies, "I'm positive and a pascal but I don't know where I am." The bar tender then says "You're all idiots, the cows are all black" and pours 10 (in base 2, i mean 10) drinks and there is an extra dollar. The polar bear then dissolves in water while the helium does not react.

[Anonymous No.4476648]

>>4476004

[Anonymous No.4476669]

A comathematician is a device for turning cotheorems into ffee.

or

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with an elephant?
A: The trivial elephant bundle on a chicken.

or

Q: How do you tell an extroverted mathematican from an introverted one?
A: An extroverted mathematician stares at your shoes when talking to you.

and this awesome video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTby_e4-Rhg

[Anonymous No.4476674]

A comathematician is a device for turning cotheorems into ffee.

or

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with an elephant?
A: The trivial elephant bundle on a chicken.

or

Q: How do you tell an extroverted mathematican from an introverted one?
A: An extroverted mathematician stares at your shoes when talking to you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BipvGD-LCjU

[Anonymous No.4476675]

>>4476674

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

>You can't. One of those is a scalar and the other is a vector.

[Anonymous No.4476678]

>>4476640
comedy gold

[Anonymous No.4476679]

>>4475978
Fuck, that made me chuckle.

[Anonymous No.4476687]

>4476690
The bartender says, we don't serve hypothetical particles here.

[Anonymous No.4476746]

>>4475978
I don't get it.

[Anonymous No.4476813]

Two chemists, Chemist A and Chemist B, both agree to have a drinking contest. Chemist A orders first telling the bartender "I'll have a glass of H2O" Chemist B then says, "Ah... I see, in that case I'll have a glass of H2O too."

Needless to say Chemist A won.

[Anonymous No.4476814]

>>4476640
Oh god my sides

[Anonymous No.4476820]

>>4476813

[Anonymous No.4476840]

A physicist, a mathematician and a statistician are manning a cannon to fend off the zombie apocalypse. The mathematician runs some equations, aims the cannon and fire, but the ball flys past the zombies, landing 50 feet behind them. The physicist chortles and mocks the mathematician for assuming perfect conditions, adjust the cannon and fires again, but this time the shot lands 50 feet in front of the zombies, whereupon the statistician shouts "We got them!"

[Anonymous No.4476847]

Einstein, Newton and Pascal meet in heaven and decide to play hide and seek. Pascal hides behind a cloud while Newton draws a square on the floor around him and remains there.
Einstein finishes counting...
> Einstein: 3, 2, 1 here i come.
> got you Newton, you didnt hide at all
> Newton: no you didnt. I'm one Newton per square meter so you actually found Pascal

[Anonymous No.4476849]

these are dumb
way worse than troll science

[Anonymous No.4476867]

"A Boy and His Frog"

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I'm not interested in girls, I'm gay; but a talking frog is cool." Then he pulled out his cock and started masturbating.

[Anonymous No.4476870]

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How can I suck it?"

[Anonymous No.4476874]

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer and a biologist walk into a bar. They all order a beer, then the engineer starts drinking. His mates look at his glass:

The biologist says: "Your glass is half empty."

The physicist replies: "It's rather 60% empty..."

The mathematician says: "Well all we can say is that it's not completely empty and not completely full."

The engineer says: "I love cocks" then proceeds to pull out his dick and stick it up the biologist's ass. The biologist, startled, unzips his pants and punches the mathematician in the face. The mathematician falls over and the physicist profits from it, unzipping his pants too and sucking the mathematician's cock. The bartender's like: "What the fuck" but then the engineer grabs his pants too and puts his left hand on the bartender's crotch while his right hand fondles the biologist's balls. The biologist starts moaning while being fucked in the ass. Meanwhile, the mathematician regains consciousness and looks at the physicist busy sucking his rock hard dick. Since it feels good, he shouts "EJACULATIONS!" in a very high pitched voice. Meanwhile, the bartender is being aroused by the engineer's hand and pulls out his massive cock. The engineer then gives him a glorious handjob. Then everybody comes at the same time, the biologist cries: "I'm your bitch, fuck me, fuck me!" The physicist is being annoyed by all this noise and starts biting the mathematician dick and shaking his mouth. Eventually the severed part sails off in an arc. The engineering promptly cums, then looks at the mathematician and says: "What a shame. You'll never be an engineer".

[Anonymous No.4476879]

An biologist, a mathematician and a physicist walk in a bar. The bartender says that he will ask a question to everyone and if someone says the right answer they'll have a beer for free. He ask the mathematician "2+2 = 4?" The mathematician answers of course 4 . Then he asks the same question to the physicist and he answers 4 too. Then the engineer pulls out his dick.

[Anonymous No.4476889]

A cop pulled over a photon speeding down the highway.

"Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" the cop screamed.

The photon said "fuck you," shot the cop in the face, and sped off.

Then a passing engineer stopped and sucked the dead cop's rock hard dick while masturbating himself to orgasm.

[Anonymous No.4476895]

It was career day at Bobby's school and the children had been listening to some of the parents with boring jobs talk about what they do. They had heard a supermarket manager, a bank clerk, and a carpenter. The teacher knew that the pupils would lose interest unless she saved the more interesting careers for last, so the last three speakers were a policeman, a doctor and a mechanical engineer.

The policeman was really popular. He brought handcuffs, batons and other items that the kids could pass around. He even shows them how he arrests people by calling a volunteer to the front of the room. Almost everyone raised their hand.

The doctor brought a stethoscope, a sphygmomanometer and some other equipment. He talked about how he helps patients and he measures some of the pupils blood pressure. He too was really popular.

When Bobby's dad, the mechanical engineer, finally got up in front of the class, he opened up a case that he had with him and took out a very complicated device. It was mostly made of metal and it had gears all over the place. He plugging in a little motor and connected it to the machine an different parts started to rotate and oscillate. The children were complete amazing and Bobby looked proud. One of the pupils, Dan, raised his han... wait, that's not what happened. The engineer pulled out a big rubber dildo and shoved it up his arse and said that he does that all day. The doctor understood but the cop arrested him for indecent exposure. Now Bobby's dad gets to be an engineer in the prison shower.

You know, because engineers are gay, right?

[Anonymous No.4476898]

A graduate engineering student who used to come to the university on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle.
"Where did you get the bike from?" his exclusively male friends want to know.
"It's a `thank you' present", he explains, "from that freshman girl I've been tutoring. But the story is kind of weird..."
"Tell us!"
"Well", he starts, "yesterday she called me on the phone and told me that she had passed her materials science final and that she wanted to drop by to thank me in person. As usual, she arrived at my place riding her bicycle. But when I had let her in, she suddenly took all her clothes off, lay down on my bed, smiled at me, and said: `You can take from me whatever you desire!'"
One of his friends remarks: "You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle."
"Yeah", another friend adds, "just imagine how fucking retarded you would have looked in a girl's clothes - and they wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

Then they all sucked one another's cock.

[Anonymous No.4476901]

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and suck some cocks." Then he fapped and came on the architect's face, who slurped the cum in delight.

[Anonymous No.4476908]

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The Third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable." Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always suck my cock when I'm done"

[Anonymous No.4476944]

>This whole fucking thread.
>Picture related.

[anonymous No.4476963]

An engineer, a programmer, and a manager are driving along a road when the car veers off and down a hill. The engineer says "lets open up the hood to see what went wrong" the manager asks "are you sure it wasn't you" and the programmer suggests "lets roll it back up the hill and see if it crashes again". they all then proceeded to have sex in the car

[Anonymous No.4476967]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "I like cock"

[Anonymous No.4477008]

A farmer wants to build a new pen for his livestock, and turns to his friends - a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician - for help designing an enclosure that will have as much space as possible while using the least amount of fencing.

After a bit of thought, the physicist speaks up first, "Clearly the pen should be a circle - this will maximize the area while minimizing the perimeter!"

"No!", counters the engineer, "a rectangular enclosure can make better use of the existing buildings and fencing."

After some debate, the two come to a consensus and begin working on the pen.

The mathematician, meanwhile, takes four pieces of fencing and places them in a small box around himself.

"Eureka!", he shouts, "I define myself to be outside the pen!"

[Anonymous No.4477012]

>>4476675

well then the vector will be scaled by the scalar...

[Anonymous No.4477032]

>>4477012
>crossing vectors with scalars
>2102

[Anonymous No.4477029]

>>4476867
>>4476870
>>4476874
>>4476879
>>4476889
>>4476895
>>4476898
>>4476901
>>4476908
>>4476967
this faggot again with the same old shit.

must you shit up every joke thread with your faggotry?

[Anonymous No.4477050]

Why the fuck am i laughing at this. Geez, i'm affraid of looking at those "jokes" 'cause i know i'll break in laughters, it's so silly.