/sci/ - Science & Math

[Anonymous No.3811646]

How do you make guacamol?

Cut your Avogadro into 6.02*10^23 pieces.

[Anonymous No.3811662]

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist are sitting at a coffee shop watching pedestrians. They observe two people enter an empty building but later on three people exit.

The physicist; 'The measurement wasn't accurate

'The biologist; 'They must have reproduced

'The mathematician; 'If one more person enters the building it will be empty again'

[Anonymous No.3811664]

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

[Anonymous No.3811669]

A biologist, a mathematician and a logician are on a tour through Scotland. They notice a black sheep.

The biologist: "Scottish sheep are black"

The mathematician: "At least one Scottish sheep is black"

The logician: "At least one Scottish sheep is black on one side

[Anonymous No.3811673]

Some helium floats into a bar and the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here"

The helium doesn't react.

[Anonymous No.3811679]

An engineer a physicist and a mathematician volunteer for a psych experiment. They are given separate rooms in a fancy hotel. When they are all asleep, a small pyrotechnic device starts a fire in a waste basket in each rooms and the fire alarm sounds.

The engineer wakes up, find the fire extinguisher and spays down the entire room, eventually putting out the fire.

The physicist grabs the fire extinguisher, does some calculations in his head and uses a squirt just enough to put out the fire.

The mathematician wakes up, sees the fire extinguisher, says "a solution exists", and goes back to sleep.

[Anonymous No.3811685]

My topology professor tried to drink tea from a doughnut.

[Anonymous No.3811687]

An mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The physicist submerged the ball in water and measured the volume of the displaced water.

The mathematician measured the diameter of the ball, divides it by 2 to get the radius, and calculates 4/3 pi r^3.

The engineer says "sorry, I don't have my red rubber ball handbook."

[Anonymous No.3811696]

A physicist and a mathematician sitting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.

[Anonymous No.3811709]

In a psychology experiment, a hungry physicist and a hungry mathematician are seated in an empty room. A plate of hot food is placed across from them on a table. The psychologist gives them the rules:"You must remain in your seats. But for each minute that passes, I will move you one half the distance closer towards the food.

The mathematician is outraged. He gets up and yells "That's ridiculous! We'll never reach the food!" and storms out of the room. The physicist remains seated and even starts drooling a little. The psychologist asks "What's the matter? Don't you realise you'll never reach the table?" "True" replies the physicist "But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes."

[Anonymous No.3811717]

Many famous scientists and mathematicians are playing hide and go seek in the afterlife. Einstein is counting. While all the others run and hide Newton simply grabs a stick and draws a square meter box in the ground and sits in the middle. When Einstein turns around he says "I found you Newton." Newton says "No you didn't, you found Pascal"

[Anonymous No.3811725]

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender passes him the beer and the neutron says "How much will that be?" The bartender says, "For you? No charge.

[Anonymous No.3811732]

The bartender exclaims, "we don't serve tachyons here!"

A tachyons walks into a bar.

[Anonymous No.3811739]

A policeman pulled over Heisenberg and asked "Mister, do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied "No, but I know exactly where I am."

[Anonymous No.3811744]

Unfortunately sin(2r)=2sin(r) got turned down for a loan. Apparently he needed a cos(r).

[Anonymous No.3811753]

Some pick up lines;

I wish I were your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves

I wish I were an integral so I could fill you up

Baby, I want you more than fluorine wants electrons

If I was an enzyme, I'd want to be DNA helicase, so I could unzip your jeans

If I were sin^2θ and you were cos^2θ, together, we'd make one

Hey baby, you must contain a singularity 'cause the force of attraction between us is inescapable

Are you 2x? Because I'd like to integrate you from 10 to 13

Holy shift! Look at the asymptote on that mother function!

You must be a carbon molecule, because every part of me wants to bond with you

You must be calcium hydride, because if you let me get you wet, then the reaction will be explosive

You know... it's not the length of the vector that counts... it's how you apply the force

If I were endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me - smooth or rough?

Our love is like dividing by zero.... you cannot define it

[Anonymous No.3811772]

A mathematician once planted an acorn in the yard behind his house. After many years, the resulting plant thought to itself, "Gee... I'm a tree."

[Anonymous No.3811790]

A mathematician, tired of being teased about a lack of real-world knowledge, decided to open a hotel business near the beach. To save money, he put a concise advertisement in the local paper (see pic)

[Anonymous No.3811798]

>>3811790

hahaha. that one's actually pretty clever.

[Anonymous No.3811811]

>>3811790

Natural Log Cabin.

Nice.

[Anonymous No.3811814]

>>3811811

Forgot my C (sea).

[Anonymous No.3811820]

>>3811811

Ah but it's indefinite, so it's

Natural Log Cabin + C

(hence the by the beach bit?)

[Anonymous No.3811910]

>>3811732

Can someone explain this one?

[Anonymous No.3811913]

>>3811910
Tachyon - faster than light particle; time travel.

[Anonymous No.3811917]

>>3811913

Thanks for such a quick response. That's what I thought, just didn't laugh.

[Anonymous No.3811935]

>>3811917

The variant of that joke is a bit more funny:

"I forget the rest of the joke, but your mother is a whore."

"A tachyon walks into a bar."

[spectral !SmULsZQKBg No.3811948]

There was a science jokes thread yesterday on /sci/.

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician all go hunting in the forest. They spot a deer and get ready to shoot.

The physicist does some quick ballistics calculations in his head (assuming vacuum), but lands five metres short.

The engineer accounts for some air resistance, but lands five metres too long.

The statistician yells, "We've got him!"

[spectral !SmULsZQKBg No.3811955]

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are sitting a test. The first question is, "Are all odd numbers prime?"

The mathematician thinks, "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime - the answer is no."

The physicist thinks, "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime - that could just be experimental error - 11 is prime, 13 is prime - yes, all odd numbers are prime."

The engineer thinks, "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime..."

[Anonymous No.3811960]

>>3811955
l laughed.

[Anonymous No.3811964]

>>3811811
Shit, I was all, "What the fuck is an ln of c- ooooooooooooooh"

[Anonymous No.3812110]

>>3811732
A neutrino says, "Damn, that's particlist."

The bartender exclaims, "we don't serve tachyons here!"

A tachyons walks into a bar.

[Anonymous No.3812657]

[Anonymous No.3812680]

>>3811955
Also:

The Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime,...

The Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can,...

The Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release,...

The Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,...

The Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...

The Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime,...

The Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.

The Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime...

The Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.

The Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime,...

The Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,...

[Anonymous No.3812700]

>>3811717
Explain this one.

[Anonymous No.3812706]

>>3812700
A pascal is a unit of measure for pressure, defined as one newton of force over an area of one square metre.

Newton on a square metre = pascal.

[Anonymous No.3812711]

>>3812706
Thanks.

[Anonymous No.3812713]

to get to the other side

[Anonymous No.3812719]

>>3812713

why did the neutrino cross the 730km gap from CERN to the Gran Sasso lab?

[Anonymous No.3812720]

>>3812719
>>3812713
Would've been better if the first post quoted the second.

[Anonymous No.3812724]

>>3812700

a pascal is one newton per square meter.

[Anonymous No.3812725]

>>3811948

>but that's wrong

I mean I get the joke but it's implying that we derive the mean when it's obviously not applicable here. Then again statistics is all about pulling numbers out of your ass to fool the masses.

>inb4 thatsthejoke.jpg

[Anonymous No.3812732]

>>3812725

>thatstheautism.jpg

[Anonymous No.3812735]

>>3812725
Duude, you're overthinking a joke, dude.

[Anonymous No.3813280]

[Anonymous No.3813286]

dumping my compilation since /sci/ started as a board.

A chemist challenges a physicist to a drinking contest. The chemist says, "I'll have H2O." The physicist replies, "I'll have H2O too."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third, a quarter of a pint. Before the fourth can order, the bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two pints.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third, a third of a pint. Before the fourth can order, the bartender says "Get out of here." and shoos them all away.

A cop stops Werner Heisenberg for speeding.
The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know where I am"

[Anonymous No.3813287]

what did euler see in the toilet?
natural log

WARNING: Erwin Schrodinger will kill you like a cat in a box. Maybe.

Sagan and Newton are playing hide and seek. Sagan is counting and Newton is hiding.

Newton, instead of hiding, draws a 1x1 meter square on the ground and stands in it. When Sagan finishes counting, he shouts "I FOUND YOU NEWTON!"

Newton smirks and says, "I am 1 Newton over 1 square meter. I'm Pascal"

[Anonymous No.3813289]

Alex, finding life a bore,
Drank some H2SO4
His father, an M.D.
Gave him CaCO3
Now he's neutralized, it's true,
And now he's full of CO2.

A dying mosquito exclaimed,
'A chemist has poisoned my brain!'
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro
diphenyl-trichloro-ethane.

The Higgs Boson walks into a church. The Priest there says "get lost, we don't deal with your kind". The Higgs Boson answers "But without me, you wouldn't have mass!"

[Anonymous No.3813290]

DIAMONDS HARDEST METAL KNOWN THE MAN

Due to extensive research done by the Fourchon University of Science, diamond has been confirmed as the the hardest metal known the man. The research is as follows.

Pocket-protected scientists built a wall of iron and crashed a diamond car into it at 400 miles per hour, and the car was unharmed.

They then built a wall out of diamond and crashed a car made of iron moving at 400 miles an out into the wall, and the wall came out fine.

They then crashed a diamond car made of 400 miles per hour into a wall, and there were no survivors.

They crashed 400 miles per hour into a diamond travelling at iron car. Western New York was powerless for hours.

They rammed a wall of metal into a 400 mile per hour made of diamond, and the resulting explosion shifted the earth's orbit 400 million miles away from the sun, saving the earth from a meteor the size of a small Washington suburb that was hurtling towards midwestern Prussia at 400 billion miles per hour.

They shot a diamond made of iron at a car moving at 400 walls per hour, and as a result caused two wayward airplanes to lose track of their bearings, and make a fatal crash with two buildings in downtown New York.

They spun 400 miles at diamond into iron per wall. The results were inconclusive.

Finally, they placed 400 diamonds per hour in front of a car made of wall travelling at miles, and the result proved without a doubt that diamonds were the hardest metal of all time, if not just the hardest metal known the man.

[Anonymous No.3813292]

When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."

1337% of pi is 42

University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol: Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

My math teachers used to tell me that I was average. Isn’t that mean?

Two antennas got married. The wedding was awful, but the reception was amazing.

I knew a micro-biologist once, but unfortunately he drowned in a puddle.

I was reading a book on tools for micro etching but I couldn't see the point.

My scientist friends want to freeze me to -273 degrees centigrade. The wife is really worried, but I think I'll be OK.

The math department's softball team went to their first game, but refused to play and had to forfeit.
They couldn't prove it was a field.

[Anonymous No.3813301]

>>3813292
>>3813290
>>3813289
>>3813287
>>3813286

roses are red
violets are too
if moving away
very quickly from you


Allow me to play doubles advocate here for a moment. For all intensive purposes I think you are wrong. In an age where false morals are a diamond dozen, true virtues are a blessing in the skies. We often put our false morality on a petal stool like a bunch of pre-Madonnas, but you all seem to be taking something very valuable for granite. So I ask of you to mustard up all the strength you can because it is a doggy dog world out there. Although there is some merit to what you are saying it seems like you have a huge ship on your shoulder. In your argument you seem to throw everything in but the kids Nsync, and even though you are having a feel day with this I am here to bring you back into reality. I have a sick sense when it comes to these types of things. It is almost spooky, because I cannot turn a blonde eye to these glaring flaws in your rhetoric. I have zero taller ants when it comes to people spouting out hate in the name of moral righteousness. You just need to remember what comes around is all around, and when supply and command fails you will be the first to go.

Make my words, when you get down to brass stacks it doesn't take rocket appliances to get two birds stoned at once. It's clear who makes the pants in this relationship, and sometimes you just have to swallow your prize and accept the facts. You might have to come to this conclusion through denial and error but I swear on my mother's mating name that when you put the petal to the medal you will pass with flying carpets like it’s a peach of cake.

/dump

[Nuka-Cola tablet edition No.3814036]

>>3813292
>governmentium
Nice

[Anonymous No.3815694]

[Anonymous No.3816469]

[Anonymous No.3816498]

>>3811717
Every single time I hear this joke, it's butchered horribly. Please, if you're going to tell a joke with no sense of timing or a punchline, just do us all a favor and stop telling jokes.

[Anonymous No.3816686]

>>3816498
umadbro.jpg

[Anonymous No.3817120]

[Anonymous No.3817982]

[Anonymous No.3818007]

>>3817982
Where's the irony? If there is no irony then the joke is just that "irony" sounds like "iron", jokes about 2 words sounding the same are the shittiest kind of joke.