/sci/ - Science & Math

[Anonymous No.3006909]

funny math/sci jokes.

they don't have to be yours.

corniness is ok if they're clever enough to make up for it.

[Josef !!nUf2NflSAyw No.3006915]

Shamelessly stolen from Spiked Math:

Old McDonald had a form, <span class="math">e_i\wedge e_i=0[/spoiler]

[Anonymous No.3006922]

>>3006915
I thought you were German. You know that song?

[Josef !!nUf2NflSAyw No.3006930]

>>3006922
I've had English lessons in school, and there's a German version of that song.
Should be enough for a nursery rhyme.

[Anonymous No.3006937]

>>3006922
everyone knows that song, its been translated to every language ever spoken by more than 3 people, since the beginning of time.

[Anonymous No.3006942]

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve superconductors here." The superconductor leaves, without offering any resistance.

[Anonymous No.3006945]

>>3006942

Nice one.

[Anonymous No.3006947]

>>3006942
What happens to the bartender?

[Anonymous No.3006951]

How do you calculate the number of guacs in a bowl of guacamole?

Avacado's number.

[Anonymous No.3006954]

>>3006930
Hunh. So you do use the English words for the animal noises or the German words? Like, oink oink for pigs, and cluck cluck for chickens?

[Anonymous No.3006959]

>>3006930
ALTE MAKDONALDE HAT EIN BAUERNHOF
E I E I Ö

[Josef !!nUf2NflSAyw No.3006961]

>>3006954
This may come as a surprise, but we have our own words in German.

[Anonymous No.3006970]

An photon walks into a bar.
The bar is made of metal and emits an electron

[Anonymous No.3006972]

>>3006961
Ich habe Deutsch in der Schule gelernt als ich Kind war, aber ich habe viel vergessen. I erinnere dass es gibt Deutsche woerter fuer diese noises, though.

[Anonymous No.3006976]

>>3006961

Too funny.

[Anonymous No.3006983]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "How much for a beer?"
The bartender says "For you? No charge."

[Anonymous No.3006984]

What's the difference between Max Factor and String Theory?

Max Factor has models that work.

[Anonymous No.3007004]

My kid brother was doing some freshman astronomy homework, and he kept asking me questions about orbital periods and semi-major axes.

I had to ask myself, "Am I my brother's Kepler?"

[Anonymous No.3007005]

Onkel Jörg hat einen Bauernhof, heia heia ho.
Und da laufen viele Hühner rum, heia heia ho.
Es macht tuk tuk hier, es macht tuk tuk da,
tuk tuk hier, tuk tuk da, tuk tuk überall.

Onkel Jörg hat einen Bauernhof, heia, heia, ho.
Und da laufen viele Gänse rum, heia, heia, ho.
Es macht gack gack hier, es macht gack gack da,
gack gack hier, gack gack da, gack gack überall.

Onkel Jörg hat einen Bauernhof, heia, heia, ho.
Und da laufen viele Schweine rum, heia, heia, ho.
Es macht oink oink hier, es macht oink oink da,
oink oink hier, oink oink da, oink oink überall.

Onkel Jörg hat einen Bauernhof, heia, heia, ho.
Und da laufen viele Ziegen rum, heia, heia, ho.
Es macht meck meck hier, es macht meck meck da,
meck meck hier, meck meck da, meck meck überall.

Onkel Jörg hat einen Bauernhof, heia, heia, ho.
Und da laufen viele Kühe rum, heia, heia, ho.
Es macht muh muh hier, es macht muh muh da,
muh muh hier, muh muh da, muh muh überall.

Onkel Jörg hat einen Bauernhof, heia, heia, ho.
Und da laufen viele Katzen rum, heia, heia, ho.
Es macht miau miau hier, es macht miau miau da,
miau miau hier, miau miau da, miau miau überall.

Onkel Jörg hat einen Bauernhof, heia, heia, ho.
Und da laufen viele Schafe rum, heia, heia, ho.
Es macht mäh mäh hier, es macht mäh mäh da,
mäh mäh hier, mäh mäh da, mäh mäh überall.

Onkel Jörg hat einen Bauernhof, heia, heia, ho.
Und da laufen viele Hunde rum, heia, heia, ho.
Es macht wau wau hier, es macht wau wau da,
wau wau hier, wau wau da, wau wau überall.

[Anonymous No.3007009]

A gang of electrons walks into a bar and start beating up the other patrons. Everyone is shocked by this rude behavior.

[Anonymous No.3007023]

So the 2nd atom aks: "Quantum well - what are ya gunnadoo abootit?

and the 1st atom, after having a few, replies:

"In principle, I am uncertain about getting charged,
maybe its gone off on the great cosmic wave train,
or eloped with a stray alpha particle.
Maybe I'm just losing my attraction?
Maybe I've taken one too many hits from the lab.
Maybe I should just decay right here in this bar."

At that moment, a delightful little e- flies through the
aether of the inter-atomic realms and settles in a mutually
comfortable 1920's eigenstatechair near the virtuous pair,
and says to the two atoms:

"Hope you guys are not molecular"

So the 1st atom perks up and says:

"Naa: just been surfin' and think I lost an electron"

The 2nd atom finishes his drink and leaves, saying:

"Gunna split. Gotta DNA contract this evenin'"

And as the sun sets slowly in the west, and the crescent moon
rises only just a little faster over the eastern ridges of
the atomic horizon, the atom and the electron take a stroll
under the emergent stars, and know with a growing certaintly
that they are not just some loose charges looking for a little
physical action, but in fact the beginning of a newly created
completeness in the midst of the cosmic harmony - if only for
a picosecond.

Albert puts down his stopwatch and smiles, despite the
reception of his theory.

[Anonymous No.3007024]

Since water = H2O;
it follows that ice = (H2O)^3

[Anonymous No.3007032]

A cop pulls over Heisenberg for speeding and asks if he knows how fast he was going...
Heisenberg: "I can't be certain, but I know where I am."

[Anonymous No.3007040]

>>3007023
Bonus points if anybody recognizes the work this is parodying.

[Anonymous No.3007057]

I'd tell you my joke about fractals, but it goes on forever...

[Anonymous No.3007062]

>>3007057
made me smile

[::_ralph_:: No.3007066]

>>3007040
The bible

[Anonymous No.3007073]

>>3007023
>mfw most /sci/tards will not only not recognize this but won't get half of the fairly elementary science
Thumbs up to whoever wrote that piece of genius.

[::_ralph_:: No.3007082]

>>3007073
I did.

[Anonymous No.3007083]

Even if when you're at bottom you're still a precipitant in the system.

[Dr. White !!/zv2MTbpUH9 No.3007088]

If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate.

[Anonymous No.3007089]

>>3007083
Also: If you're not part of the solution than you must be part of the precipitate!

[Anonymous No.3007092]

>>3007088
>>3007089

Hivemind

[Anonymous No.3007095]

My statistics teacher told me I was average. I thought that was mean.

[::_ralph_:: No.3007096]

I got a good one.

If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate.

[Dr. White !!/zv2MTbpUH9 No.3007104]

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician buy a case of beer, but realize that none of them have a can opener. So they decide to slip up and come back with a solution.

The physicist returns with small strip of metal and has calculated the precise angle, and force needed to open each bottle.

The engineer comes back with an automatic bottle opener that can open any size bottle.

The two return to find the mathematicion has finished the last of the beer. When they confront him, he replies:

"I just assumed all the beers were already open and then just went from there"

[::_ralph_:: No.3007106]

>>3007096
Disregard that I suck cock

[::_ralph_:: No.3007108]

>>3007106
Disregard that. I suck cocks.

[::_ralph_:: No.3007110]

>>3007108
Disregard that I suck cock

[::_ralph_:: No.3007112]

>>3007108
Disregard that, I'm an engineer.

[::_ralph_:: No.3007115]

>>3007112
I lol'd

[::_ralph_:: No.3007116]

>>3007112
Disregard that, I am from /sci/

[Anonymous No.3007119]

>>3007005
so te germans dont have a word for oink?

[::_ralph_:: No.3007125]

>>3007116
Disregard that I am actually an /x/ regular

[Anonymous No.3007127]

>>3007062
You have bad taste or don't know enough about science to enjoy most of the jokes ITT.

[Dr. White !!/zv2MTbpUH9 No.3007134]

>>3007127
Actually that was kinda funny.

[::_ralph_:: No.3007138]

>>3007134
Disregard that I suck dick

[Anonymous No.3007151]

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting in a park one day, just watching people go by. Across the street was a house which they had each assumed to be empty.

Two people walked into the house. A minute later, the couple walked out with a child. Each of the professors offered an explanation:

"The couple gave birth," said the biologist.
"We had a margin of error of one person," said the physicist.
"If one of you goes into the house now, it'll be empty again," said the mathematician.

[Anonymous No.3007158]

i^2 keep'in it real

[Anonymous No.3007162]

Calculus is a very powerful tool, but it has its limits.

[Anonymous No.3007179]

My ex-girlfriend is was blackhole, at first I was attracted to her and we hung out a lot. I couldn't help but notice other bodies were trying to get close to her too, but I didn't care since she liked me the best. But as time went by I lost the blues and my passion grew stronger, finally we got really close and she let me inside of her! :D

Things took a turn for the worst after that point, she keep holding me down and told me she wouldn't she wouldn't let anyone else see me! I guessed this was some kinda sub-dom thing so I didn't object, but then she started tearing me apart!!! literally!! I tired to fight her off but she keep pulling me back until finally I blacked out.

I don't know what happened after that but when I came to I couldn't find her anywhere! I asked my friends but they said they didn't know who I was talking about, it was like I had woken up in whole different universe!

[Anonymous No.3007195]

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

The answer is left as an exercise to the reader.

[Anonymous No.3007231]

A earthquake, a tsunami and a glacier walk into a bar. The quake orders a drink and shakes it up, the tsunami get's a glass of water but spills it, the glacier tells them both to chill out.

[Anonymous No.3007263]

Why did bank complain about the run-off?

It was wearing him down.

[Anonymous No.3007269]

A physicist is being interrogated by the police over a hit and run. The fuzz claimed he hit a pedestrian with his car and continued away at a high speed despite cries from the injured and onlookers. His defense? He didn't hear anything, due to the sinusoidal quality of sound.

[Anonymous No.3007302]

Physics isn't always funny; but it has its moments.

[Anonymous No.3007316]

Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in physics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...

[Anonymous No.3007330]

[EK FAN CLUB No.3007334]

>>3007316
I laughed.

[Anonymous No.3007337]

A engineer, physician and mathematician are told to build a fence around a flock of sheep. The engineer knows that a circle is the most efficient way to enclose an area, so he measures how wide the flock is and builds a circle around it. Next the physician builds a circular fence of infinite radius and reduces it until it fits the flock just right. Finally the mathematician thinks for a moment, then builds a fence around his feet and says, "I declare myself outside the fence."

A physician, engineer and mathematician are staying in a hotel for a conference. One night as they are all sleeping a fire starts in their trash can. The physicist wakes up and, seeing the fire, begins performing fluid dynamics equations and calculating how much water she will need to put out the fire. Meanwhile, the engineer turns on the sink and plugs the drainhole, flooding the entire room. By this time the fire has gone out, and the two go back to bed. The mathematician wakes up and, seeing the embers still glowing in the trash can. He fans them until the can bursts into flames; thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one, he goes back to bed.

[Anonymous No.3007349]

The pilot and copilot both have heart attacks while flying a 747. The stewardess asks if anyone on the plane knows how to fly one. Two polish men say that they are crop dusters so they are escorted to the cockpit. They look at all the levers and buttons, clearly not knowing what to do. They say, "sorry, but we are just two simple poles in a complex plane."

[Anonymous No.3007363]

Why couldn't Heisenberg please his wife?

Because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy, and when he got the position, he couldn't get the momentum.

[Anonymous No.3007365]

[Anonymous No.3007367]

The math department's softball team went to their first game, but refused to play and had to forfeit.

They couldn't prove it was a field.

[Anonymous No.3007369]

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are
on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their
jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle:
a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!"

The statistician:
"It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra"

The mathematician:
"Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side"

The computer scientist:
"Oh no! A special case!"

[Anonymous No.3007374]

roses are red
violets are too
if moving away
very quickly from you

[Anonymous No.3007379]

A neutrino rushes pass an old couple going into a cathedral. The wife asked, "Why is he leaving?", the husband said, "no mass".

[Anonymous No.3007381]

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer were asked, " When will the girls and boys meet?"
The mathematician said, " Never."
The physicist said, " In an infinite amount of time."
The engineer said, " Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

[Anonymous No.3007387]

Wanna know why you never see a mathematician at the beach?

A Mathematician only needs sin and cos to get a tan

[Anonymous No.3007389]

Some helium floats into a bar, the bartender says: "we don't serve helium !" The helium doesn't react.

[Anonymous No.3007391]

Relations between pure and applied mathematicians are based on trust and understanding. Namely, pure mathematicians do not trust applied mathematicians, and applied mathematicians do not understand pure mathematicians.

[Anonymous No.3007397]

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well'" replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes and says, "You can have ANYTHING you want." "Good choice," says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!

[Anonymous No.3007399]

An engineer, a physicist, and a computer scientist were discussing what was the oldest profession.

The engineer claimed priority. "Look at all that matter engineered into amazing constructs like galaxies, stars, and planets."
The physicist disagreed. "Before there were planets, the matter had to be made from chaos. Physics is responsible for all the quarks, gluons, photons, and electrons."
The computer scientist coughed modestly. "Ah, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

[Anonymous No.3007404]

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally she went to l'Hôpital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of our sad story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.

[Anonymous No.3007406]

I was reading a book about Chlorine ions, but it was too negative.

[Anonymous No.3007441]

>>3007374
lol'd

[Anonymous No.3007452]

What was Lee Harvey Oswald's favorite branch of Mathematics?

Triggernometry.

[Anonymous No.3007455]

A combinatorist and his friend are sitting on a train when they pass by a cattle ranch just teeming with cattle. "Look at all those cows," the friend says. "I wonder how many there are." The combinatorist glances out the window for a second and says "There's 1734 cows." His friend is stunned. "You're kidding... did you really count all those cows!?!?" "Of course not, that's ridiculous. I just counted all the legs and divided by 4."

[Anonymous No.3007510]

>>3007195

I like this one.

[Anonymous No.3008231]

C est logarithme et exponentiel qui vont au cinema. Qu paie ?

Exponentiel car logarithme néperien

[Anonymous No.3008244]

Don't know if anyone's posted this yet, but…
A neutrino walks into a bar
To get to the other side!

[Anonymous No.3008250]

Entropy. It ain't what it used to be.

[Anonymous No.3008255]

How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.

>But it will take about four episodes.

[Anonymous No.3008288]

Oi pedro, do you know the chemical symbol for silicon?

Si senor
A gold atom walks into a bar, that barman says Au get out of here!

[Anonymous No.3008298]

>>3007406

>Chlorine

[Anonymous No.3008306]

>>3008288
I don't get it.

[Anonymous No.3008307]

What do mathematician say when they eat to much?

sqrt(-1)/8

[Anonymous No.3008311]

[Anonymous No.3008314]

>>3007040

>picosecond.

>1920

[Anonymous No.3008321]

>>3008311


it would have been funnier if you were calculating the classical action of a particle with a magnetic lagrangian.

[Anonymous No.3008325]

>>3008250
Is this funny?

[Anonymous No.3008330]

What sound does a baby make in a microwave?

>I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.

[Anonymous No.3008333]

>>3007073
more like half of the improperly cobbled together concepts from basic quantum mechanics courses.


Atoms do not exist in quantum wells. I stopped paying attention after that.

[Anonymous No.3008338]

>this thread

[None !mabuseJv.6 No.3008344]

>>3008306
You can't be serious.

[Anonymous No.3008352]

>>3008344
More accurately, I don't get what Au is in Spanish.

[Anonymous No.3008363]

>>3007337
>>3007369
>>3007381
>>3007387
>>3007391
>>3007397
>>3007399
>>3007455
This is pretty much par for the course for the fact that only major nerds and faggots become mathematicians and engineers and physicists.


God tier chemists are deep niggas running game from the top of the fucking pack. we keeps it real, we get more money in grants, our girl friends are smoking hot, and we have moar personal patents than you twink Network theorists...

[Anonymous No.3008367]

>>3008352


More properly, you have assumptions about the use of line spacing for paragraph breaks that you developed over the course of a lifetime's use of Microsoft word.

[Anonymous No.3008372]

>>3008352

Au sounds like "hey, you", as in, "hey you get out".

[Anonymous No.3008401]

A neutrophil walks into a bar.

The barman asks "what you drinking?"

Neutrophil says "nothing thanks, just passing through......."

Thank you and good night

[Anonymous No.3008436]

>>3008363

[Anonymous No.3008441]

A Science students walks into a bar.

Alone.

[Anonymous No.3008454]

Failure to learn electron orbitals in chemistry class will result in a speedy F.

[Anonymous No.3008455]

Here's a physics joke I made up and have been waiting for an opportunity to share with someone...

A man is driving down the road with his wife. They're in a school zone, so they're only doing 20 MPH. Suddenly, in the other direction, a red ferarri passes them at 80 MPH.

"Whoa!" Says the man to his wife. "That guy must have been doing a hundred miles per hour!"

"Apparently," replies the wife.

[Anonymous No.3008550]

>>3008454

my new favorite joke

[Anonymous No.3008587]

SAUCE ON OP'S PICS FAPFAPFAPPFAP

also,
a group of functions walk into a bar. ln(x) asks e^x why he won't integrate into the crowd like everyone else, and e^x replies, trust me it won't make a difference.

[Anonymous No.3008780]

>>3006909
fap