Cold Christian Callers

[Anonymous No.2368555]

>Two old women knock at my front door
>One is holding a bible
>I'm a physicist
>In a quiet voice the lady asks me if she can read me a passage
>I bite my tongue and awkwardly agree
>She hands me a leaflet with the word "truth" emblazened across it
>I thank them and wait patiently for them to leave

Fuck sake /sci/, why do I do this.

[Anonymous No.2368560]

>>2368555
Dude....you fucking misspelled "emblazoned"!!
Da fuck is the matter with you!??!?

[:D !!s2uh28knASO No.2368562]

i dont believe in the christian god but the bible is an awesome book to read. King's james version is like poetry

[Anonymous No.2368564]

>someone knocks at my front door
>look out the peephole
>they claim they are here to bring the word of God
>I tell them that for all I know they are assassins coming for my life
>they look at each other
>they leave

[Krakengineer !!5XY+x7grkpt No.2368567]

The people who do that it my neighbourhood always bring along cute little smiling children in fine clothing. It is really hard to be what is socially considered rude when children are present; and those manipulative cunts know it.

[Anonymous No.2368575]

>>2368567
>It is really hard to be what is socially considered rude

inorite. In my case they were two frail old women with kind smiles and softly speaking. How could anyone tell them to FUCK OFF I BELIEVE IN PROOF AND THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD!

I wish I had

[Anonymous No.2368576]

>>2368555
Because they are human, as you are, and deserve a little dignity even if they are wrong.

I believe in the battle against religion, but it won't be won by intellectually body slamming people.

[Anonymous No.2368578]

We're all human, OP.

[Anonymous No.2368585]

>two old women knock on my friends door when were all hanging out
>obvious jehovah's witnesses
>i open the door
>my friend in the background immediately pulls down his pants and begins humping other friend
>3rd friend pretends to go into retarded epileptic fits
>try to keep a straight face
>when they see, they hand me the fliers and book it
>funniest moment of my life

[Anonymous No.2368590]

>>2368585
lold at the imagery

[Anonymous No.2368592]

>Someone knocks on door
>No one visits me, ever; get excited, don't check peephole
>Open it
>BLOODY JEHOVAS WITNESSES
>Ask if they can have a few minutes of my time
>Pokerface.jpg
>They come in, sit down
>Not sure what do
>Offer them tea
>They accept
>Woman starts drinking it
>Chokes
>OHFUCK
>Keels over
>I get on the floor
>Other guy gets on the floor
>We all walk the dinosaur
>Mfw

[Anonymous No.2368595]

not so...it clearly says on the tiny tag in my shirt i was manufactured in China.

As such, i have no such feelings of guilt when the nice old folk never make it to my door thanks to my handy motion activated lawn sprinkler.

During the cooler months i simply answer the door naked...this seems to hasten their visit since they don't want me to catch my death of cold i suspect.

[Anonymous No.2368600]

>Hear a knock on my door
>Open it
>Have you accepted the lord Jesus Christ as your-
>Close door

And then all was well with my life.

[Anonymous No.2368601]

>>2368595
cool story bro

>I don't believe a word

[Anonymous No.2368602]

>Knocking on the door
>Open the door
>Receive punch to face
>Fall to the ground
>Receive kick in stomach
>Pass out
>Wake up
>They stole everything

[Anonymous No.2368606]

>>2368600
>Close Door

You're going to hell when you die

[Anonymous No.2368610]

>>2368606

>My face when you're going to freeze in the plains of Fimblewinter forever for not being a Norse Pagan

[Anonymous No.2368617]

>hear knock
>answer door
>3 women, show me a bible
>start asking questions
>slam door so hard knob falls off
>get down on the floor to pick it up
>fix it
>walk the dinosaur

[Anonymous No.2368622]

>>2368602
Fucking Jehova's Witnesses

[Anonymous No.2368628]

>Knock on door
>American missionaries
>In Europe
wat

[Anonymous No.2368637]

>>2368617
Don't you mean
>crawl the dinosaur

[Anonymous No.2368656]

>>2368628
id like to apologize for my country.

[Anonymous No.2368657]

There's no christian proselyte where I live, never experienced that.

[Anonymous No.2368671]

>>2368601
no...your right.

i just stand there like a putz while my beer get warm and i miss out on the latest from ESPN

;__;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR5ZslYTlHw&

[Anonymous No.2368675]

oops...i try again

D:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR5ZslYTlHw

[Anonymous No.2368678]

I've tried converting them to science before, it doesn't fucking work. I got turned around trying to explain quarks and string theory.

[Anonymous No.2368680]

I've tried converting them to science before, it doesn't fucking work. I spent ten minutes trying to explain quarks and string theory. All they have to say in their counter-argument is "It's god's will."

[Anonymous No.2368685]

When mormons come knocking I invite them in for a glass of water. Then I troll the shit out of them for a couple of hours (I know my Bible better then they do and love arguing religion). They never come around a second time

[Anonymous No.2368689]

>>2368680
ask them if they would like to know what 'God's Will' is telling you at the moment while loading a shotgun or brandishing a blunt object.

Bonus points for popping out veins in your neck and turning cherry red while spittle runs down your chin

[Anonymous No.2368691]

I live in Europe and at any given moment there's a pair of pimple faced american mormon missionaries. I usually let them struggle to speak french to me for a few minutes before rattling off in fluent english

[Anonymous No.2368822]

>>2368691
American here. I wish I could do stuff like this. Sadly I am stuck knowing only one language.

[Anonymous No.2368833]

Its awright OP. You only supported the greatest accepted insanity ever to continue indoctrinated more people to be insane as well.

Just like babyfucking, it's awright. *i'm fucking hinting at what a fucking failure you were today OP*

[Anonymous No.2368848]

>>2368555
Easy. First you must realize that while most fanatic christians know how to quote "scripture", very few of them actually know anything about christianity (its history, theology etc.). In fac,t even just watching a few good academic documentaries like "from jesus to christ" (PBS i think) will leave you knowing more about christianity than 95% of all christians.

Then just invite them in and as them some real theological questions (like their position on homeousis) and if they do not know the right answers, pronounce that they "are NOT christians".

you will never see them again.

[Anonymous No.2368857]

I would ask may I see the bible please. Then I would look for a nasty piece of scripture, then ask them to read it to me.

[christfag !xyWyVn95HA No.2368858]

uh, you realise that in creating this thread, you are opening the door for my ilk to accost you right?

now forgive the oprahesque psychobabble i'm about to impart, but isn't that indicative of someone who actually WANTS to know about jesus on some sub-conscious level?

he loves you btw


that is all

[Anonymous No.2368859]

I always wanted to open the door just in underpants with a huge boner pitching a tent.
Too bad (or good?) christfags don't bother us here.

[Anonymous No.2368861]

>knocks at my door
>open door
>guy just wants to talk... about god
>im not a believer
>no one at the apartment is
>something something designer, he says
>explain emergent properties
>explain biochemistry
>explain paradigms and modelling theory
>explain faults of platonism in math and logic
>explain chomsky's naturalist refutation of dualism
>he asks about big bang... was i there?
>no... neither were you, so any claims we make about it are basically meaningless. it's better we don't talk about it at all
>he knocks on neighbours door.

pic related
mfw religious extremists make claim their beliefs aloud in my presence

[Anonymous No.2368862]

>>2368858
We don't care Jesus loves us, or that he exists at all. You christfags just never seem to grasp this concept, we're demons.

[Anonymous No.2368864]

>>2368858
ugh i wish u died with /r9k/

[Anonymous No.2368868]

>Hear Doorbell
>Check Peephole
>Jehovah Witness's
>Quickly get naked with dick and balls hanging out
>Put clothes in entrance closet
>Open Door
>"How may I help you two?"

coolface.jpeg

[christfag !xyWyVn95HA No.2368870]

>>2368862
no silly, you're not a demon - you're merely a child of the devil, who happens to be a very abusive parent who hates you (being as you are; 'made in the image of god' and his most beloved creation)

that's why the father sent his son to bring you into his adoption

see jesus is like the social services and he wants to rescue you from the dysfunctional family you've been born into - and if you accept his proposal, you get to be a co-heir in his inheritance

which is nice

[christfag !xyWyVn95HA No.2368873]

>>2368864
it's like you've never even heard of resurrection anon

[Anonymous No.2368875]

even if god is real, he's a total asshole.
why would you condemn people to eternal damnation just for not believing in you?
fuck god, even if i believed in him i would still avoid religion just to piss him off.

[Anonymous No.2368876]

>>2368868

Hey bro, obviously science conflicts with your faggotry called religion so why don't you just leave?

If science can explain so many things what the fuck makes you think a God exists?

What does god explain? nothing just morals.

Get the fuck out.

[Anonymous No.2368877]

>>2368822

Make one up, or learn some rudimentary words of another language. Russian is fun.

http://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/russian.php

[Anonymous No.2368879]

>>2368870
>jesus is like the social services and he wants to rescue you from the dysfunctional family

What if I were to rape Jesus? Rape him mercilessly. Unrelenting, untill he died of rape. What then?

[Anonymous No.2368880]

>Two police officers knock at my front door
>One is holding a gun
>I'm a pedophile
>In a quiet voice the cop asks me if he can read me my rights
>I bite my tongue and awkwardly agree
>He hands me a dildo with the word "truth" emblazened across it
>I thank them and wait patiently for them to leave

[Anonymous No.2368884]

>>2368877
>>2368877
You speak any Russian? I took a semester in college and want to keep going but have no motivation.

[Anonymous No.2368888]

>>2368879
He'd get a res erection.

[Anonymous No.2368889]

>>2368879
he'd turn the other hole to you.

Eh, the one in the face. Since, you know, the other cheek and all, but he only got one hole down there, so his mouth will have to make due.

Also I'm currently enjoying myself imagining Jesus choking on my dick, tears in his eyes, trying to say "father, why have you forsaken me?", but all that's coming out is gargling and it feels so good on my dick.

[Anonymous No.2368896]

>>2368889

[Anonymous No.2368897]

>someones knocks on my door
>don't open
>never find out who knocked
>everythingwentbetterthanexpected.png

[Anonymous No.2368901]

> open door
> church guy
> we chat about the weather
> he asks what faith i am
> tell him i'm atheist
> he asks if it's the bad things that have been attributed to the church
> i say no, i just never got into it
> he says oh. offers to tell me about it
> i say nah, that's okay
> he wishes me a good day and leaves
> i wish him a good day
> boring story with almost no conflict

[Anonymous No.2368902]

[Anonymous No.2368904]

>mfw this thread

[christfag !xyWyVn95HA No.2368905]

>>2368879
oh anonymous, you think jesus hasn't already been raeped to death?

don't you realise that on the cross, jesus took all the suffering of the world upon himself - he shared in every pain each of us has ever been wounded with, so that we can be healed of all the wrong done to us

he also took the punishment for every rapist upon himself, so that means every evil thing you've ever done to someone has already been paid for - you could be made clean from all your evil if you accepted his substitutory sacrifice

[Anonymous No.2368915]

>>2368905
Guess who is a troll, and is terrible at spreading dogma? Yep you are. Congratulations at failing to convince a single person in your whole life.

[Anonymous No.2368918]

>Knock on door
>Open
>Floor
>Dinosaur

[Anonymous No.2368923]

>>2368905
> mfw I take responsiblity for my OWN actions

[Anonymous No.2368924]

>Two guys knock on the door
>One of them is holding a black book
>The other guy says, 'hello we would like to tell you about jesus chri-'
>I shut the door
>hear them say 'and good day to you aswell' through the door
>Feel very rude and ashamed

[Anonymous No.2368930]

>>2368924
They're just trying to manipulate you. They're all psychopaths under dogmatic control. Don't let them fool you.

[Anonymous No.2368939]

>>2368905

Oh jesus christ its christfag! I thought I was actually on r9k for a second there, how dare you remind me of such wonderful times ;_;

[Anonymous No.2368940]

>>2368918
>>2368918
where the hell did you get that photo ?

[Sage !!po7MGTNbzf/ No.2368942]

/sci/ - stories and religion

[christfag !xyWyVn95HA No.2368979]

>>2368915
well if i am as you say, then guess who just got trolled, and is terrible at dealing with my ilk in the proper fashion, ie; ignoring them. yep, you are. congratulations at failing to resist my bait

but since you ARE responding to me then i'm afraid it's obvious a nerve has been struck, and what's moar; since you have chosen to attack this bumbling fool instead of the 'dogma' they espouse then i think you're at a loss

tl;dr the anon does ad hominem too much methinks

>>2368923
good for you, i respect that - i really do

it's just, so do i

only when i'm in front of jesus' judgment seat i'll be able to say "thanks for taking my punishment lord - i don't deserve your mercy, but i'm grateful for it - you're the best"

>>2368939
> how dare you remind me of such wonderful times ;_;
> dare you remind me of such wonderful times ;_;
> you remind me of such wonderful times ;_;
> remind me of such wonderful times ;_;
> me of such wonderful times ;_;
> of such wonderful times ;_;
> such wonderful times ;_;
> wonderful times ;_;

are you sure we're talking about the same place here? :)

[Anonymous No.2368983]

>>2368567

I remember when Jehovah's used to come knocking at my nan's house. They'd bring a kid with them to make it all cute and shit. My nan would just give them an ear full of abuse "you've brainwashed that poor kid" etc. then slam the door in their faces

[Anonymous No.2369020]

>>2368979

[Anonymous No.2369080]

 

[Anonymous No.2369098]

>Jehovas Witness comes to the door
>Talk to them
>Ask them their opinion on Scientology
>They think it's a crazy cult
>lol'd

Really I should have pressed on and asked them about more established religions

[Anonymous No.2369125]

>knock on door
>open
>they ask if we can talk about belief
>they talk for a little while
>ask about philosophy and logic
>they know nothing
>tell them that they shouldnt be talking about things they know nothing about. tell them off. ask for $1.25 for the coffe they drank

>mfw

[Anonymous No.2369136]

>Two Mormon missionaries take a glance at a well dressed black man.
>Watch them ignore him completely as soon as they see me a white short guy.
>I pay them for two Mormon bibles
>Walk up to black man chilling and hand him a free Mormon bible while they follow me because I told them I'd invite them in my apartment.
>I proceed to rip pages out of mine and we laugh together at the Mormons that tried to recruit me.
>The tallest Mormon gets angry face
>The shortest starts crying
>Where's your god now?

[Anonymous !s4GaN.hvy. No.2369138]

>>2368858

Brool Story Co.

[Jewfag !U0cjWbMMpA No.2369148]

>>2369136
I'm okay with this.

[Anonymous No.2369757]

>>2369125
Descartes is stupid. He believes in god.

[Anonymous No.2370294]

ITT:

>2011
>no one has security cameras installed to monitor front door
>they open the door to complete strangers

Why?

[Anonymous No.2370300]

>>2370294
>security cameras

You capitalist pigs know about spyholes, right?

[Anonymous No.2370326]

>>2370300
we know knitting needles jab right through them yes.

why do you ask?

[Anonymous No.2370330]

>>2370326
>implying there isn't a fucking lens in the middle of a spyhole
>implying needles can quantum tunnel through PMMA

[Anonymous No.2370336]

honestly, i think the mormons and jehovah's witnesses have my address crossed off their list; they lose converts when they come to a real christian's house.

[Anonymous No.2370338]

>>2370330
in the middle?

MAHAHAHAHA!

fool.

[Anonymous No.2370344]

>>2370300
>implying they can't hear you walk your fat ass to the door and will believe no one's home in case they are not welcome and denied access

[Anonymous No.2370348]

>>2370344
>implying I won't insult them through the door if they are not welcome
>implying I'm a coward pansy who needs to use stealth to avoid confrontation

[Anonymous No.2370357]

>waiting for train at station
>two guys come over
>expecting questions about train times and platforms (seriously, the amount of times I have people ask me about their train, it's like people think I work there)
>they are missionaries
>kill some time talking about stuff
>get given free books
>receipts still in books
>take books back for refund
I felt kind of bad about it afterwards, but still.

[Anonymous No.2370359]

True Story
>knock, knock
>Two young Jehova Witnesses
>Hello, sir. Do you know who we are?
>Read their name tags to them
>Ask me what my religious affiliation is
>tell them they are preaching to the wrong choir
>close door
>alpha as fuck

[Vilhelm The Great No.2370367]

>>2368555

Probably because of aliens

[Anonymous No.2370368]

>Jeovah's Witnesses knock at my door
>They ask if I know the word of God
>I tell them Allah is great and merciful
>They leave

[Anonymous No.2370370]

1) Wait for religious people with children to come at your door
2) Open the door, ask them for a Bible
3) Read aloud Numbers 5:11-31
4) ??????
5) PROFIT!!!!

[Anonymous No.2370371]

>>2370367
Don't get me started on aliens abducting me.

[Anonymous No.2370378]

>have religious people come to door
>they try to sell their religion
>politely decline
>close the door
no need to be rude about it.

[Anonymous No.2370381]

>Middle-aged woman and little girl show up at front door
>Little girl knocks quietly
>I'm recovering from surgery, shuffle to door in pajamas
>We're here to invite you to our church
>"No thanks."
>Shut door

I'm extremely rude to solicitors. Soliciting is a waste of my time and yours. Do something better with your life.

[Anonymous No.2370384]

>>2370370
That's a pretty weak passage to be using for shock value.
This is better, 10:18-27

[Anonymous No.2370400]

>>2370384
maybe it's not in Numbers?

also, the bald man, the kids and the shebears

[Anonymous No.2370407]

>Two women knock on my front door
>They want to talk about God
>One of them is wearing jeans
>I tell her it is a sin in the eyes of God for a woman to wear men's clothing
>I'm wearing a skirt
>I'm a man
>Call her a sinner
>Close door

[Anonymous No.2370411]

>>2370407
Are you me?

[Anonymous No.2370416]

>>2370407
brofist

[Anonymous No.2370427]

I never open them the door, same situation as with beggars and door-to-door salesman.

[Anonymous No.2370526]

>Walk up to door and knock
>Resident approaches and opens door
>Greet them and ask if I can read to them from a special book
>Retrieve The God Delusion from bag, turn to chapter 4 - Why there is almost certainly no God.
>Read pre-selected arguments until the Jehova's Witness that I found the address of butts in
>Asks why I am disrespecting their beliefs.
>Continue to read.
>mfw

[Anonymous No.2370544]

Physicists. ALWAYS physicists.
Maybe it's because, instead of actually doing sciency things like chemists and biologists, they have nothing but math problems, and need to take their anger out on delusional, but kindly people doing what they believe is right.
I wouldn't know if I got a knock at the door. As a chemist, I practically live in the lab.

[Anonymous No.2370548]

Because you instinctively sense that your public image is important and being rude to those two ladies might ruin your reputation?!

[Anonymous No.2370585]

>>2370544
I'm a chemistry student
I say that I would like to talk about the wonders of the gods of Norse mythology instead of their religion.
Usually it drives them off with a look of confusion, but occasionally I have to bullshit about Norse mythology.

Over all it isn't all that rude, and provides me with some funny.

[Anonymous No.2370594]

'Cause you pity them, and you wanna tap dat ass.

[Anonymous No.2370613]

>>2370400
youths, not kids.

[Anonymous No.2370662]

>new young Jehovah witness knocks on door
>claims she went to university and has studied evolution and knows its incredibly wrong
> starts using arguments against evolution that are inherently wrong as she obviously knows nothing about evolution
> later she tells me she purposely avoided any course to do with evolution because she new it was obviously so wrong
> I facepalm
> starts using the weakest arguements ever for the existance of god
> tells me they have a magazine for atheists that prove god existence
>I tell them 'I would love to see that some time'

seriously they were the freshest ignorant jo hoes ever, it was comical I had to keep stopping them and correcting them

[Anonymous No.2370674]

>>2370662
I seriously want to tap a Jehovah Witness girl while discussing evolution.
Wat do?

[Anonymous No.2370709]

>>2370674
just do it
that will make her question her god's love for her

[Anonymous No.2370759]

>Knock Knock
>Jehova's witness
>2 guys
>"Hello, we are Jehova's witnesses ect ect"
>"I'm afraid I'm not intrested."
>"Thank you anyway"
>Politely shut the door
>Go back to watching Tv

[Anonymous No.2370779]

>Jehova's Witness shows up
>Try to talk to me about God
>"I didn't know you were allowed to talk to JW apostates!"
>mfw they turn around and walk away
>mfw it's been 5 years and they haven't showed up since

[Anonymous No.2370811]

>Any religious group comes to door
>I open
>They jabber on about their religion
>I scream "you have 10 seconds to say why your god is better than mine"
>After 10 seconds I make a buzzing sound and tell them that their time has ended
>I then hand them pieces of candy telling them that it is their consolation prize, and tell them better luck next time
>Close door
>Banana god cannot be defeated

[Anonymous No.2370848]

>>2370811
i can't breathe i am laughing so hard.

[Anonymous No.2370876]

>>2370811
Please tell me that is a response to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qq7LXn4KSrM

[Anonymous No.2370879]

>hear knocks on door
>check to see if it's a delivery service
>if it's not, do nothing
>wait for them to leave
Works every time.

[Anonymous No.2370884]

I didn't do this, it was someone I knew.

>Jehovah's Witnesses come every week at the same fucking time
>Get sick of it
>Rub vaseline all over arm and coat with hairspray
(I don't remember if it was exactly this, it was something like it though)
>Wait for doorbell
>Doorbell rings
>Light arm on fire
>Open door
>Jehovah's Witnesses
>Jehovah's Witnesses RUNNING AWAY AS FAST AS THEY CAN
>Cackling with arm on fire
>Starts to burn a little, put it out
>Never have anyone come to the door again.

[Anonymous No.2370898]

Every time religionfags knock on my door i try to convert them to Satanism

[Anonymous No.2370905]

true story:
>working out in my garage over summer
>two fat black baptist ladies ask me if I have a minute (my back is turned)
> go to ipod, put on Slayer - God hates us all
>they leave
> I lol

[Anonymous No.2370913]

>>2370876
never saw that before thank you for the watch anon.
truth be told i have also done this in the name of the mighty marshmallow gods.
i worship awesome food stuffs.

[spaghettiknife !!wriWddaylti No.2370950]

Don't treat religion as if it's a faulty path to truth, treat it as cultural/linguistic cancer. Scientists are wary of debating religitards, thinking it'll give them a veneer of legitimacy, and they're right to do that.

[Anonymous No.2370966]

>>2370950
no treat it like a game
the rules are made up
no body wins
but you get points for style

[Anonymous No.2371059]

I just tell them that I'm deaf.

[Anonymous No.2371072]

>>2371059
you better talk like you're deaf when you do.

[Anonymous No.2371100]

>Vacationing in BC at my mum's for the summer.

>Fapping to some/d/ flavoured hentai.

>Suddenly, I stop. My arousal just disappears after one edge, I don't know why.

>Knock on the door

>JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES.

>I grin a horrible grin....

>Get dressed, debate morality for an hour and a half, bid a cordial farewell.

[Anonymous No.2371146]

>>2368680
>I spent ten minutes trying to explain quarks and string theory.

You weren't doing it thoroughly enough.

[Anonymous No.2372622]

>Jehova's Witnesses at door
>Jack swiftly
>Open door
>Zerg rush splooge all over their faces & chests
>mfw