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/sci/ - Science & Math

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2112999 No.2112999 [Reply] [Original]

ITT: Science jokes. Don't put very specific ones, just those that most people can understand.
Starting with the obvious one:

Einstein, Newtοn and Pascal decide tο play hide and seek. Einstein is it, clοses his eyes, cοunts tο 10 then οpens them.
Pascal is nοwhere tο be seen.
Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the grοund, a meter to a side.
Einstein says "Newtοn, you're terrible, I've found you!"
Newton says "No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!!

>> No.2113003

How do you call a gay pseudointellectual in the scientific community?

An Engineer.

>> No.2113014

I dunno if maths counts, but:

An engineer and a mathematician are leaving a conference about 19-dimensional Euclidean space.

The engineer turns to the mathematician and says, "I didn't follow any of that! How on earth can you visualise 19-dimensional space?"

The mathematician replies, "Oh, it's easy! You just visualise n-dimensional space and then set n = 19."

>> No.2113019

I have a nice one about Cauchy sequences, but it only works in French. :x

So another one. It's a priest, a doctor and an engineer discussing extramarital sex. The priest obviously says that any man who does it will go straight to hell. The doctor says that a man can have a mistress as long as he is considerate enough to keep it a secret from his wife. The engineer then says: "That's stupid, he should definitely tell his wife he has a mistres. That way, he can tell his wife he's with his mistress, tell his mistress he's with his wife, and go to his office to get some work done."

>> No.2113022

If both a bear in Yosemite and one in Alaska fall into the water
which one disolves faster?
The one in Alaska because it is Polar

>> No.2113027

What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A KNiFe.

>> No.2113033

Global warming

>> No.2113037

A mathematician is attempting to build a wooden house. An engineer approaches him and notices that he is attempting to hammer nails that are the wrong way round into the house.

"You idiot! You're doing it wrong!"
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Obviously, those nails are for the other side of the house!"

>> No.2113039

>>2113014
I like that one. Here's mine:

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

>> No.2113042

An engineer and a physicist are looking at a tall flagpole. The physicist says, "I wonder how tall that is?"

The engineer goes, "I can figure that out for you!" He pulls out a device with a laser, points the laser at the top and bottom of the flagpole, and calculates the height based on the angles and distances.

"There!" he says, "I've calculated that it is 23 metres tall, plus or minus one metre!"

The physicist goes, "That's pretty inaccurate don't you think? I reckon I can do better." He pulls out an axe and chops down the flagpole at the base. Then he gets out a measuring tape and measures it.

"There!" he says. "It is in fact 23.4 metres plus or minus one centimetre!"

The engineer says, "What are you talking about? We wanted the height, you just measured the width!"

>> No.2113048

>>2113019

Another one:

It's a priest, a doctor and an engineer playing golf. The group playing in front of them is moving extremely slowly. At some point, they are very annoyed, and go to the manager to ask what's up. The manager says "Oh, they are blind firemen who became blind while saving the golf from a fire, so we let them play for free." The priest says: "That is terrible, I will pray for tem." The doctor says: "That is terrible indeed, I will ask a friend who is an eye doctor if he can do anything for them." Then the engineer asks: "But why don't they play at night?"

>> No.2113057

>>2113042
AAARRRGH, WHERE IS THE REST OF THE JOKE?!

>> No.2113065

>>2113057
That is the joke you dipshit.
Are you an engineer or something?

>> No.2113068

>>2113065
Oh wait, sorry, somehow Chrome didn't load the whole page and I end up having just half of that post..

>> No.2113070

>>2113014
1/10

>> No.2113073
File: 27 KB, 320x240, tropic_movie_downeyjr1.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2113073

>>2113070

>> No.2113077

>>2113033
I prefer to entertain them with magic tricks!

People here is some CO2 and now... TADA!... it is gone without trace!

>> No.2113079

Hit me harder /sci/

>> No.2113085

>>2113042
... and then he assrapes physicist!

>> No.2113090

I'm pretty sure everyone in the universe knows this one, but...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are going to Scotland together for a holiday. They are sitting on the train looking out the window as they enter Scotland.

Suddenly, they catch sight of a black sheep grazing on one of the hills.

The engineer says, "Oh, isn't that interesting! The sheep in Scotland are black!"

The physicist says, "No you idiot, we only know that at least one sheep in Scotland is black."

The mathematician says, "No you idiot, we only know that one half of one sheep in Scotland is black."

>> No.2113095

>>2113048
probably cause it's colder at night/the course is closed for maintenance/it's less safe at night etc.

>> No.2113097

Heissenberg was pulled over for speeding.
The police-officer asked him: ''Do you have any idea how fast you were going?''
To which Heissenberg replied: ''No, but I know exactly where I was.''

>> No.2113102

>>2113090
And then a logician walks by and says, "no you idiots, you only know that one half of one sheep is black some of the time."

>> No.2113105

It's a priest, a doctor and an engineer are talking about sex. The priest says to the engineer "You are going straight to Hell!", "Why?" replies the engineer... "Because homosexuality is an abomination to the eyes of the Lord!" says the priest. "Well... at least I only fuck with adults" says the engineer. The Doctor did not participate because he was an alcohol and destroying his family.

>> No.2113106

>>2113102
Then a troll walks by and tells you that only one half of one sheep is black some of the time to that observer.

>> No.2113107

So a neutrino walks through a bar...

>> No.2113109 [DELETED] 

... I'm positive!

>> No.2113111

>>2113106
lol'd

>> No.2113113

Q: What do you call it when you give a group of prison inmates syphilis?

A: Research!

>> No.2113115

>>2113057
see
>>2113085

>> No.2113116

>>2113113
I call it the holocaust

>> No.2113118

>>2113003
>How

leave

>> No.2113119

Q: What's huge, white, and only has one side?

A: Mobyus Strip

>> No.2113120

>>2113003
>implying engineers care to impose as intellectuals

>> No.2113122

To kiss my ass

>> No.2113123

So why did a tachyon cross the road?

>> No.2113131

I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses."
I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again;
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese."
Nope, that still didn't sound right;
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi."
Ahh fuck it I thought,
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.

P.S. Send me another one.

>> No.2113133

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says "pour me a shot of whiskey." The second one says, "I'll have half of what he's having." The third one says, "I'll have half of what he's having." The next one comes in and says "well, I'll have half of what he's having." This continues for a while. Finally, the bartender says "you're all idiots" and pours two shots of whiskey.

>> No.2113139

>>2113123
To get back to the first side?

>> No.2113140

>>2113003
>scientific community
>engineer
I loled. Good opne.

>> No.2113144

>>2113133
Because when you're drinking, you always have to know your limits. :D

>> No.2113145

>>2113119
why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
to get to the same side!
>>2113109
one atom is talking to another... "hey mate, i think ive lost an electron!"
"are you sure?"
"yes, i'm positive!"

>> No.2113147

>>2113131
Why the fuck would they give you animals just to start your own zoo, for nothing? If anything that would detract from their own business. Do you think I could just write and say hey give me ten elephants lololol? Nope.

>> No.2113153

>>2113147
lol, dont take the jokes too literally...

>> No.2113156

Q: What do you get when you cross Alaska with a 340 lb per square inch high pressure crude oil pipeline?

A: A herd of Rangifer tarandus with a bio-degradeable half-life of 3280 years!

>> No.2113164

Q: Whats huge, white and owns a herd of Rangifer tarandus with a bio-degradeable half-life of 3280 years?

A: Mobyl Oil!

>> No.2113191

There once was a logician-- a single father-- with a child. The logician was angry because his son refused to eat his vegetables. So one night, he told the child: "if you don't eat your vegetables, you won't get any ice cream."
The child was quite dismayed at this possibility, so he quickly finished all his vegetables. Impressed, the father sent him to bed without any ice cream.

>> No.2113205

>>2113147
ASPIE ALERT! ASPIEI ALERT!

>> No.2113207

A mathematician went out into a cabin in the woods. He decided to cook some food, so he lit a fire in the stove, went out to get a bucket of water and put some into a pot, which he put onto the stove.
The next morning he wakes up, and to his surprise finds a fire burning in the stove, and a pot filled with water. He directly puts the fire out, empties the pot and the bucket and contently states to himself: "Now the problem is reduced to the already solved one."

>> No.2113211
File: 40 KB, 247x248, 1268793875799.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2113211

>>2113144
rofl'd almost literally

>> No.2113213

>>2113205

Read that as >ASPIC ALERT! ASPIC ALERT!

Which is weird, because who doesn't like Jello?

>> No.2113222

>>2113156
smirked :)

>> No.2113226

>>2113213
maybe you actually read A SPIC alert

you might be from California

>> No.2113230

Moar

>> No.2113411

If Richard Feynman Applied for a Job at Microsoft

Interviewer: "Now comes the part of the interview where we ask a question to test your creative thinking ability. Don't think too hard about it, just apply everyday common sense, and describe your reasoning process." "Here's the question: Why are manhole covers round?" Feynman: "They're not. Some manhole covers are square. It's true that there are SOME round ones, but I've seen square ones, and rectangular ones." Interviewer: "But just considering the round ones, why are they round?" Feynman: "If we are just considering the round ones, then they are round by definition. That statement is a tautology." Interviewer: "I mean, why are there round ones at all?" "Is there some particular value to having round ones?" Feynman: "Yes. Round covers are used when the hole they are covering up is also round. It's simplest to cover a round hole with a round cover." Interviewer: "Can you think of a property of round covers that gives them an advantage over square ones?" Feynman: "We have to look at what is under the cover to answer that question. The hole below the cover is round because a cylinder is the strongest shape against the compression of the earth around it. Also, the term "manhole" implies a passage big enough for a man, and a human being climbing down a ladder is roughly circular in cross-section. So a cylindrical pipe is the natural shape for manholes. The covers are simply the shape needed to cover up a cylinder."

>> No.2113414

>>2113411

Interviewer: "Do you believe there is a safety issue? I mean, couldn't square covers fall into the hole and hurt someone?" Feynman: "Not likely. Square covers are sometimes used on prefabricated vaults where the access passage is also square. The cover is larger than the passage, and sits on a ledge that supports it along the entire perimeter. The covers are usually made of solid metal and are very heavy. Let's assume a two-foot square opening and a ledge width of 1-1/2 inches. In order to get it to fall in, you would have to lift one side of the cover, then rotate it 30 degrees so that the cover would clear the ledge, and then tilt the cover up nearly 45 degrees from horizontal before the center of gravity would shift enough for it to fall in. Yes, it's possible, but very unlikely. The people authorized to open manhole covers could easily be trained to do it safely. Applying common engineering sense, the shape of a manhole cover is entirely determined by the shape of the opening it is intended to cover." Interviewer (troubled): "Excuse me a moment; I have to discuss something with my management team." (Leaves room.) (Interviewer returns after 10 minutes) Interviewer: We are going to recommend you for immediate hiring into the marketing department."

>> No.2113427

Are the testes located near the urethra?

No theres a vas deferens between them.

>> No.2113428

An infinite number of mathematicians, a polar bear, helium, and a neutrino walk into a bar (ouch). One of the mathematicians then says, "the bar is now empty" and they begin to play hide and seek. The neutrino is then stopped by a police officer. Officer Heisenberg says, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" The neutrino replies, "I'm positive and a pascal but I don't know where I am." The bar tender then says "You're all idiots, the cows are all black" and pours 10 (in base 2, i mean 10) drinks and there is an extra dollar. The polar bear then dissolves in water while the helium does not react.

>> No.2113429

INSECTS HOW DO THEY BREATHE

FUCKING SPIRACLES

>> No.2113450

>>2113429
likes it*

>> No.2113451
File: 311 KB, 1259x1852, 1284678964346.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2113451

You're welcome

>> No.2113452

>>2113427
lel

>> No.2113462

>>2113427
AHAHAHAH! LOL I TOTALLY ROFLD!
fuckin epic! well played, you have made my day.

>> No.2113464

>>2113429
LOL!

>> No.2113478

ENGLISH JOKE:

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_buffalo_Buffalo_buffalo_buffalo_buffalo_Buffalo_buffalo

>> No.2113487

>>2113478
...tried to read the wiki....brain exploded.

>> No.2113494

>>2113003
What do you call*

>> No.2113496

>>2113487
James while John had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher

>> No.2113499

>>2113494
nathan?

>> No.2113521

The bartender says, "We don't serve tachyons in here."

>> No.2113526

>>2113048


why are there so many people who use the term "eye doctor"?

>> No.2113539

So a Tachyon walks into a bar

>> No.2113542

>>2113526
optiscian?

>> No.2113606

>>2113478
Non-Englishfag here. I understand the sentence

Buffalo buffalo whom Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

Why is it grammatically valid to leave out the "whom"? Can someone give me a more accessible example of this construction?

>> No.2113619

>>2113606
Buffalo buffalo people buffalo buffalo Buffalo Buffalo

>> No.2113621

>>2113619
James while John had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher

>> No.2113628

>>2113619
>>2113606
No, Buffalo means either Big/Bullying, as an adjective, or 'From Buffalo' as another adjective (Buffalo is a place in America, California I think), or Buffalo in the sense of a noun. To 'Buffalo' is a transitive verb meaning to bully. Thus, buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo ----- Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo (big buffalo from Buffalo) Buffalo (bully) Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo (big buffalo from Buffalo).

>> No.2113632

>>2113628
yeh, we all already saw the wiki
kthnxbi

>> No.2113637

>>2113628
not with the capitalization the way it is.

>> No.2113640

How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's left as an exercise for the reader.

>> No.2113647

>>2113628
You're one buffalo short. You have 7, there are 8

>> No.2113653
File: 65 KB, 600x480, harblebarble.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2113653

For those discussing "Buffalo buffalo...", I present THIS:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleybaccam/shi-shi-shi-the-chinese-riddle

This is why I fear tonal languages.

>> No.2113655
File: 3 KB, 274x260, Unbenannt.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2113655

>>2113640
Sir, you're the first one I've ever painted a reaction image for.

>> No.2113660

>>2113640
We'll prove inductively that n mathematicians can change a lightbulb, where n is any positive integer.

P(1): I am a mathematician, and I can change a lightbulb.
P(k): k mathematicians can change a lightbulb.
P(k+1): If k mathematicians change a lightbulb, and one co-authors the paper on it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the lightbulb.

Thus, k implies k+1 for all positive k.

>> No.2113661

>>2113606
Students teachers like get good grades.
as opposed to
Students whom teachers like get good grades.

>> No.2113663

>>2113606
I already read the wiki, but I'm still not clear on this point. As far as I can tell, the original sentence is equivalent to something like this:

"People whom others buffalo, like coffee."

Removing the "whom" breaks the sentence, doesn't it?

>> No.2113667

>>2113661
But the first one isn't grammatically correct.

>> No.2113672

>>2113661
Ah, that makes sense. Thanks!

>> No.2113679

>>2113131
The plural of mongoose is clearly polygoose.

>> No.2113682

I wish the value of the discriminant corresponding to <span class="math"> ax^2+bx+c [/spoiler] was greater than or equal to zero so we could have real roots*

*Root is slang for sex in Australia.

>> No.2113684

How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change the lightbulb and one to take photos.

How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they give the lightbulb to two Asians, reducing it to an already solved problem.

>> No.2113691

>>2113667
It is grammatically correct, though the other way is clearer. It's called a reduced relative clause.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reduced_relative_clause

gives the example of:
The horse raced past the barn fell.
which is grammatically, but difficult to understand. It means
(The horse which was raced past the barn) fell.

>> No.2113698

>>2113691
oops, my rephrasing was grammatically incorrect. I meant...
The horse THAT was raced past the barn fell.

>> No.2113707

ITT: not linguists

>> No.2113708

>What's the difference between a scientist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

>The scientist thinks his equations are an approximation of reality.

>The engineer thinks reality is an approximation of his equations.

>...

>A mathematician doesn't care.

>> No.2113712

>>2113708
This may be a "joke", but it is 100% true and a good summary.

>> No.2113732

>>2113708
>A mathematician doesn't care.

Pretty much.
Just playin string manipulation games all day erryday

>> No.2113740

Watts up Ohms?

>> No.2113743

>>2113708
You got the scientists and engineers backwards.

>> No.2113752

>>2113743
Nah bro, he got it right.

Scientists speak in terms of models that predict reality correctly.

Engineers just rote-learn formulas as if they were magic spells, and when something doesn't conform to them they go "Huh, that's weird. Guess this thing is fucked up. Better go ask a physicist."

>> No.2113763

Did you hear the one about the Baha'i mathematician?
He believes there's a unique god up to isomorphism.

>> No.2113768

A physicist and an engineer fall into a deep hole. The engineer looks around and says "I've got no idea how we're going to get out of this one.": The physicist smirks and says "Simple. Assume we have a ladder....."

>> No.2113778

>>2113752
Nah, he got it backwards.

Scientists are trained to believe that the formulas they are taught are the "laws of nature" from which they can derive exact solutions, and if measurements vary from those solutions it's part of the uncertainty of the measurement.

Engineers are trained in equations that are intended as approximations of reality in the first place, and in every calculation they make their answers include an uncertainty in their approximation of reality. There are no supposedly "exact solutions" in engineering.

>> No.2113785

>>2113778
>Scientists are trained to believe that the formulas they are taught are the "laws of nature" from which they can derive exact solutions

WRONG. If they were taught that, then why does scientific research exist?

>> No.2113796

>>2113752
>implying engineering isn't completely based on trying to accurately model physical systems

you high school kids really don't have any idea what physics or engineering are like, do you?

>> No.2113817

>>2113778
>Scientists are trained to believe that the formulas they are taught are the "laws of nature" from which they can derive exact solutions, and if measurements vary from those solutions it's part of the uncertainty of the measurement.
No, that's an engineer, that's how he does his job, by working with preconceived formulas and concepts. They do the janitorial work of a scientist, putting in practice the already thought theories.

>> No.2113832

>>2113768
Similarly, a bunch of men n the organized crime business hires a physicist to figure out a formula for predicting the winning horse in an horse race.

The physicist goes away for a while and does some tests and calculations, then calls back the mob bosses to show them his formula which he's so very pleased and excited about.

"Now," he begins, "Assuming we have a perfectly spherical horse of uniform density..."

>> No.2113866

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are all attending a convention, and they're all booked in the same hotel.

Late at night, the engineer is awoken by smoke. He goes out to the hallway and sees that a fire has broken out. Thinking quickly, he runs back to his room, empties his trash bin, fills it with water, and pours it over the fire, extinguishing it. Satisfied, he returns to bed.

Later on, the physicist is awoken by smoke. He goes out to the hallway and sees a fire as well. But he also sees a fire extinguisher mounted to the wall. He does some quick calculations in his head and grabs the fire extinguisher, putting out the flame with the minimum effort required. Satisfied, he returns to bed.

Finally, the mathematician is awoken by smoke. He goes out the hallway and sees another fire. Looking around, he notices the fire extinguisher on the wall.

"Aha!" he says. "A solution exists!" Satisfied, he goes back to bed.

>> No.2113874

>>2113866
Then, the hotel manager, who happens to be a statistician, starts ten more fires. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" yell the engineer, the physicist, and the mathematician. "Simple, I'm creating a larger sample size."

>> No.2113919

>>2113785
0.0001% of scientist come up with new laws.

>> No.2113924

>>2113919
sauce

>> No.2113927

THE buffalo FROM Buffalo WHO ARE buffaloed BY buffalo FROM Buffalo, buffalo (verb) OTHER buffalo FROM Buffalo.

>> No.2113935

>>2113679
lol

>> No.2113983

When a mathematician is asked to develop a theory that explains stability of a table with, say, 4 legs, he will pretty quickly develop a theory that covers 0 legs and infinity legs and then spends the rest of his life trying to generalize this result to arbitrary complex number of legs.