/sci/ - Science & Math

[Anonymous No.2088006]

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a pub. The first one asks for a beer, the second asks for half a beer, the third for one quarter of a beer. The barman looks down the infinite line of mathematicians, thinking his going to be there forever (literally) and then he gets a brainwave and... pours two beers.

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist are sitting at a coffee shop watching pedestrians. They observe two people enter an empty building but later on three people exit.
The physicist; 'The measurement wasn't accurate
'The biologist; 'They must have reproduced
'The mathematician; 'If one more person enters the building it will be ...empty again'

A biologist, a mathematician and a logician are on a tour through Scotland. They notice a black sheep.
The biologist: "Scottish sheep are black"
The mathematician: "At least one Scottish sheep is black"
The logician: "At least one Scottish sheep is black on one side

Some helium floats into a bar and the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here" The helium doesn't react.

All the numbers went to a party but they didn't mingle as intended, the evens stayed with evens and odds with odds. Whilst Two was chatting to Four he noticed Zero was on his own in the corner and suggested to Four that since Zero was sort of even he should join the even numbers. Four agreed. So Two went to invite Zero into their little group. "Would you like to join our little group" Two asked, to which Zero replied "I have nothing to add"

The number 1 is the sluttiest number because it goes into everything

[Anonymous No.2088007]

An engineer a physicist and a mathematician volunteer for a psych experiment. They are given separate rooms in a fancy hotel. When they are all asleep, a small pyrotechnic device starts a fire in a waste basket in each rooms and the fire alarm sounds.
The engineer wakes up, find the fire extinguisher and spays down the entire room, eventually putting out the fire.
The physicist grabs the fire extinguisher, does some calculations in his head and uses a squirt just enough to put out the fire.
The mathematician wakes up, sees the fire extinguisher, says "a solution exists", and goes back to sleep.

A physicist and a mathematician sitting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and puts out the fire. The second day the same two people are sitting in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, gets a bucket and hands it to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.
The physicist submerged the ball in water and measured the volume of the displaced water.
The mathematician measured the diameter of the ball, divides it by 2 to get the radius, and calculates 4/3 pi r^3.
The engineer says "sorry, I don't have my red rubber ball handbook."

There are 10 kinds of people in this world; those who know binary and those who don't.

[Anonymous No.2088016]

MOAR

[Anonymous No.2088033]

>>2088016
that's it unfortunately, i have some images though

[Anonymous No.2088039]

What's purple and commutes?
...
An Abelian grape!

What's yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
...
Zorn's Lemmon!

[Anonymous No.2088043]

Why did the Bourbaki group disband?
They were discouraged when they realized that Serge Lang was a single person.

[Anonymous No.2088066]

>>2088043
Some motherfucker jacked my copy of his text 'Algebra'. Like he was gonna sell that at a pawn shop or some shit.

Anyway, Serge Lang is batshit insane and says things like "AIDS isn't caused by HIV"

[Anonymous No.2088068]

great jokes guys, keep 'em coming

[Anonymous No.2088084]

>>2088068
This one is slightly less obnoxious than the "there are 10 kinds of people.." one.

>>2088039
What's yellow, linear, normed, and complete?
...
A Bananach space.

[Anonymous No.2088090]

In a psychology experiment, a hungry physicist and a hungry mathematician are seated in an empty room.
A plate of hot food is placed across from them on a table. The psychologist gives them the rules:
"You must remain in your seats. But for each minute that passes, I will move you one half the distance closer towards the food."
The mathematician is outraged. He gets up and yells "that's ridiculous! We'll never reach the food!" and storms out of the room.
The physicist sits there, and even starts drooling a little.
The psychologist asks "what's the matter? don't you realize you'll never reach the table?"
"True. But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"

[Anonymous No.2088094]

A proton and a neutron walk into a bar, the neutrino walked through it.

[Anonymous No.2088095]

>>2088007
>The engineer says "sorry, I don't have my red rubber ball handbook."
Someone mind explaining this part of the joke to me, this is the first time i've been out of the loop on these.

[Anonymous No.2088098]

So a bar walks into a physicist, OH WAIT... wrong frame of reference!

[Anonymous No.2088102]

>>2088095

The joke is positing that engineers need a reference to do anything whatsoever and have no knowledge of how to do things without having the protocol laid out in front of them in no uncertain terms.

[Anonymous No.2088107]

>>2088007
>The engineer says "sorry, I don't have my red rubber ball handbook."
Low blow, man.

[Anonymous No.2088122]

>>The engineer says "sorry, I don't have my red rubber ball handbook."

Fortunately, I have here my handy "Witty Responses for All Occasions."

It says, "fuck you".

[Anonymous No.2088130]

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and it doesn't

[Anonymous No.2088132]

What's the difference between a math degree and a large pizza?
you can feed a family with a large pizza

[Anonymous No.2088138]

Many famous scientists and mathematicians are playing hide and go seek in the afterlife. Einstein is counting. While all the others run and hide Newton simply grabs a stick and draws a square meter box in the ground and sits in the middle. When Einstein turns around he says "I found you Newton." Newton says "No you didn't."

[Anonymous No.2088139]

Q: What is the first derivative of a cow?
A: Prime Rib!

[Anonymous No.2088143]

Jimmy was a chemists son but Jimmy is no more, for what he thought was H2O was H2SO4!

[Anonymous No.2088146]

[Anonymous No.2088149]

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender passes him the beer and the neutron says "How much will that be?" The bartender says, "For you? No charge.

[Anonymous No.2088150]

Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?

Because it was over 90 degrees!

[Anonymous No.2088154]

>>2088130

That one is my favorite. I smile everytime I think of it

[Anonymous No.2088158]

the bartender exclaims, "we don't serve tachyons here!"

[Anonymous No.2088160]

a tachyon walks into a bar...

[Anonymous No.2088162]

>>2088033
Goddammit /sci/, you always make me feel stupid and i love it. Not many places i actually have to put any mental effort into.

[Anonymous No.2088168]

>>2088160
>>2088158
Well played

[X0505, the /sci/agrammer No.2088172]

[Anonymous No.2088177]

>>2088172
Jesus that was terrible.

[Anonymous No.2088176]

>>2088158
>>2088160
Wow, nice,

[X0505, the /sci/agrammer No.2088178]

>>2088177
I know, right? :(

[Anonymous No.2088190]

>>2088178
I smirked, but it was terrible.

[Anonymous No.2088192]

>>2088146
I am rolling my eyes so hard at you right now.

[Anonymous No.2088196]

Yo momma so fat, the escape velocity from her surface is 3x10^8 m/s

[Anonymous No.2088200]

>>2088068
I don't get this one. Can someone explain?

[PLEASERAPEMYFACE !PNwQWuAENU No.2088204]

>>2088138
This is the only one i dont get =[

[Anonymous No.2088208]

>>2088200
If we had 4 fingers instead of 10, we would not count 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 1011,
we would count
0 1 2 3 10 11 12 13 20
"base 10" for us contains 9+1 to get to double digits
"base 10" for them contains 3+1 to get to double digits

[Anonymous No.2088207]

>>2088204
http://www.google.com/search?client=opera&rls=en&q=newton+per+square+metre&sourceid=oper
a&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8

[Anonymous No.2088206]

>>2088200

All bases are base 10 with respect to themselves. For instance, counting in base 4:

1
2
3
10

Therefore someone working with base 4 would consider their system base 10...

[Anonymous No.2088210]

>>2088176
i dont get this :p

anyone clare to explain?

[Anonymous No.2088211]

>>2088200
because we humans really only think in base 10, just as we see only certain spectra of light, and this page is in English, etc.
In CS class, everything ended up in base 10 at some point

[Yusuf !3I4SJbCh8M No.2088222]

>>2088172
i saw this on tumblur, which means it has no place here.

not a joke, but interesting nonetheless: see pic

[Yusuf !3I4SJbCh8M No.2088226]

>>2088210
Snapple = Sn+apple

Sn is the chemical synmbol for tin

[Anonymous No.2088239]

[Anonymous No.2088242]

>>2088222
It was written on my friend's pencil case back in highschool, so it's probably been around for ages

[Anonymous No.2088286]

couldnt find the original one I had seen of this so I recreated it from memory

[X0505, the /sci/agrammer No.2088301]

[PLEASERAPEMYFACE !PNwQWuAENU No.2088302]

>>2088286
That got me pretty good ._.

[Anonymous No.2088314]

>>2088286
>Iron with 3 bonds in the wheel
>implying it's ferrous and not ferric

[Anonymous No.2088315]

>>2088286
don't understand it, Can someone explain? Also, keep em coming, very funny

[Anonymous No.2088348]

[Anonymous No.2088350]

>>2088314
your right, fixed (sorta) version

>>2088315
Fe = ?, + 2 bonds, + wheel shape

[Anonymous No.2088370]

>>2088006

Amidoingitrite?

Two niggers walk into a bar.
The bartender says "we don't serve niggers here".
Two niggers walk out of a bar.

[Anonymous No.2088373]

>>2088239

[Anonymous No.2088400]

>>2088168
Yeah, I didn't see it coming.

[Anonymous No.2088460]

>>2088222
xkcd, no?

[Anonymous No.2088465]

>>2088160
DOINITWRONG

Its only win if you guess the post number in your first post

[Anonymous No.2088503]

>>2088172

before I root you?
square root of you?

I don't understand that part.

[Anonymous No.2088515]

>>2088503
yeah i didn't get that part either, wtf?

[Anonymous No.2088537]

>>2088515
>>2088503
'root' being a term for 'have sex with' in Australia

[Anonymous No.2088539]

>>2088515
Before I root you, are you over 16, cutie pie?
(root = fuck, maybe some Amerifags doesn't have heard of that slang)

[Anonymous No.2088549]

>>2088539

And the age for consent is 18 here, so that made a little odd as well.

[Anonymous No.2088607]

A policeman pulled over Heisenberg and asked "Mister, do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replied "No, but I know exactly where I am."

[Anonymous No.2088637]

>>2088607

Violating the uncertainty principal, are we?

[PLEASERAPEMYFACE !PNwQWuAENU No.2088643]

>>2088637
>NOT violating the uncertainty principle, are we?
Fixt

[Anonymous No.2088648]

There are 10 kinds of people in this world; those who know binary, those who don't, and 8 degenerate cases.

[Anonymous No.2088669]

a man walks into a restaurant called "entropy." the waitress asks "may I take your order?"

[Anonymous No.2088835]

bump

[Anonymous No.2088866]

>>2088835

I went past this post a few times, then I figured out the joke. I feel so smart now.

[Anonymous No.2088930]

>>2088835
Still don't get it.

[Anonymous No.2088932]

>>2088930

Blue is a longer wavelength than red, if you move a red object fast enough it looks blue because the wavelength of the light increases.

[Anonymous No.2088944]

>>2088206

Yes. Although that really doesn't fucking work in spoken language, (every b is 10 in base-b, but only ten is "ten") so it kind of struggles as a joke if you try to make even the slightest bit of literal sense of out of it. Not that any of these are really all that funny.

[Anonymous No.2088952]

>>2088066
Serge is always related on /sci/.

[Anonymous No.2088955]

>>2088952
Oh Serge, you so crazy!

[Anonymous No.2089043]

>>2088944

Or it's just a language thing.

His base 10 is your base 4.