intelligence and madness

[Anonymous No.12298531]

and philosophical blunder
Scientifically,
Everyone around me calls me smart and it pisses me off, because I'm the biggest retard on earth. I don't fucking know how I've even made ti this far.
I know a lot of you guys are actually smart and I need to know why It's like this.
Why am I called intelligent yet feel so small and retarded?
a guy like me can't be smart. My mother has a PhD and considered me much more intelligent than her.
All I know inside my head is that I know nothing true. I can easily understand and read things and interpret what people want me to say, it's easier that way. Controlling and regulating other people is trivial, but I truly know nothing.
every one walks around like they knew the fucking secret or some shit, and I'm always in an exhausting battle within my own mind about fucking nothing. Today I was thinking of the fucking number one and it spiraled me into a depression.
I also have great trouble assigning meaning to things. I hardly give a shit about my college courses because I just need to pass them for a job so I can make money so I can live a peaceful life, but that doesn't mean that has meaning to me, I simply see everything as a pointless distraction and I know wealth will reduce those distractions.
My brother loves video games and always tries to get me to play, I will play it for a but but it becomes trite and just as meaningless as anything else.
What mental illness is this?

[Anonymous No.12298532]

my mother had me talk with a therapist, but I just told them exactly what I thought I should. I would put in minor questions I had but they must have thought I was playing mind games or something, they're just more retards that act like they are profound.
I lack empathy, I lack desire, I lack will.
pic not related.
I don't do drugs, and I'm not a hedonist. I once laid still for so long I had to be hospitalized because I was dehydrated.
I'm in CS and everyone talks about "amazing revolutionary applications" and I just don't see it at all. It all seems fucking useless and meaningless and I'm just doing it for money, because that is the most coveted useless object in the unitary form.
I don't care about having a girlfriend or having kids. I actually think the idea of having a constant social commune with someone sounds extremely exhausting. I doubt I could have enough mental fortitude to display as desired.
My utter apathy would show. It's physically painful to exist like I do. I want to be like everyone else, but I fear what if they are all like me and we just all lie to each other.
Also AMA, I'm an insomniac so I'll be on for a while.

[Anonymous No.12298650]

Have you tried meditation?

[Anonymous No.12298661]

>>12298532
Why dont you use it to solve problems?

[Anonymous No.12298876]

>>12298531
>What mental illness is this?
It's called being a pretentiou faggot

[Anonymous No.12298881]

>>12298531
I wish I could tell you what it is like. To feel like you’re truly working towards something good. To think that you will make a difference, not only in your own eyes but in the eyes of the world.

But the world isn’t watching. It never is. Instead we’re locked in damp basements working grueling hours on something which in all likelihood will be insignificant and ignored by our peers. Because that is the harsh reality that comes with doing science. For years you will feel like what you do makes no difference. The stress and the pressure slowly building up to a point where you feel like you just can’t take it anymore, only to be taken away temporarily by some minor achievement like getting another degree, or a publication in that slightly higher up journal you’ve been hoping for.

But it always returns. That lingering sense of insignificance. The realization that everything you do, however brilliant it may seem to your close or even distant colleagues, is incomparable to things which have been done before you. Even if you make it you will feel like it was all just luck. That you happened to be in the right place at the right time. That that tenured position wasn’t really right for you, but you got it anyway, for no apparent reason.

Years beyond, when you are widely regarded as an expert in your respective field you will still have that feeling. That you do not really know what you are doing. That it was all luck which brought you there. That you are an impostor, living the life of someone else.

But this isn’t true. You will not be an impostor. What you have been working on, however minor the problem may seem, has relevance. Everyone before you likely felt the same way. You cannot become great by trying to be great, but by wanting to do something with such a conviction that you become great in the process. Remember this in your years to come. I wish someone had told me.

[Anonymous No.12298882]

How do I play like the Magician from Riga?

[Anonymous No.12298883]

>>12298532

you're depressed, need some antidepressants.

[Anonymous No.12298981]

>>12298531
Humans can be downright stupid and even cruel when it comes to relating with something unfamiliar as you've seen with the retarded responses to your thread. Posting your problems on unironically the 'smartest' board on the internet will not help you, you have two options, either kys or just go see a psychiatrist.

[Anonymous No.12299602]

>>12298531
You're not mentally ill, just a doomer. Check out the YouTube video below for philosophical context.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aaz4jdlqhSk

I chose to be the bloomer because I know I'm better than everyone else around me and that I refuse to prove everyone right by spiraling into self-pity and apathy.

[Anonymous No.12299707]

>>12298650
I meditate on my thoughts constantly
>>12298661
use what?
>>12298876
how so?
>>12298881
Even if I read every book, article, attended every lecture, conference about a field I still feel like I know nothing.
I do want I'm told because that's what I understand.
I feel mechanical.
yet there's no passion for it.
>>12298882
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mikhail_Tal
>>12298883
will it really work? will I magically be able to assign meaning to things?
>>12298981
no one here is a psychiatrist?
>>12299602
>>12299602
what is the purpose to it all?

[Anonymous No.12299880]

>>12299707
There is no purpose imposed on you. This is immensely freeing, because you can create your own purpose. See the YouTube video for philosophical context on making your own purpose.

[Anonymous No.12300686]

>>12299880
I watched it, but I don't understand how it shows me how to make purpose

[Anonymous No.12300975]

>>12300686
Focus on things that matter to you. Emphasis on the TO YOU part. You don't need meaning given to you from other people. You never needed meaning or purpose from the universe. Make your own.

[Anonymous No.12301001]

>>12299707
>I meditate on my thoughts constantly
Aka you don't meditate.

[Anonymous No.12301046]

[Anonymous No.12301047]

gay thread OP. fight to survive or dont, nobody gives a fuck.

[Anonymous No.12301091]

>>12298532
>my mother had me talk with a therapist, but I just told them exactly what I thought I should
maybe next time be genuine and they might be able to figure out what the fuck is wrong with you

[Anonymous No.12301107]

>>12298531
You sound like a self centered bragger. Sure, even if you know a lot about a given subject, there's infinitely more that you do not know. However, I don't think that anyone is meant to know everything; up to until 100 years ago, most people got very little in the form of formal education. Life for all creatures has always been imperfect and 'survive however you can' would pretty much describe it.

Everybody who talks about 'revolutionary apps' is also a greedy cunt, whether they are of it or not. Those who are not aware of it have drank the Kool Aid; everybody wants to be the next big thing. No human being, even the ones who achieve great things, knows even close to everything, and all meaningful human progress has been the result of widespread collaboration between many minds. The idea of the lone genius who changes the world is a myth. So even if you feel like you dont know anything, it's ok.

[Anonymous No.12301517]

>>12298531
She is incredibly hot and cute

[Anonymous No.12301539]

>>12298881
Honestly, anon, you need to willfully indulge in religion. Think of it like medication or cigarettes or candy. I was really smart, maybe not as smart as you but clever enough. Chronic nihilism and despair always derailed and sabotaged me, acting as a wholly unnecessary impediment to my success. Finally I decide to “experiment” with religion after a particularly catastrophic breakdown. Bought books on occultism and just about everything. Your greatest impediment is that you can’t escape the demoralized ennui of materialism. So indulge in enough religiousness to get some peace of mind.
“Religion is a crutch for the weak Hurr durr”
People say the same thing about psychiatric medications and therapy. It’s amazing how much work you can get done when you’re not nihilistic. Believing in an inherent significance to your actions and decisions is a real confidence and enthusiasm booster. Don’t know what religion you should try though. Orthopraxy is often more psychologically effective than orthodoxy, I’ve found. Orthoprax religions prioritize actions (sacred or secular) and ritual over self-doubt and hair splitting neurotic bullshit so often encouraged by gay Protestant basedturds. I’m mostly a weird kind of hermetic because I found Gnosticism was basically as demoralizing as atheism. Hermeticism says that reality was incarnated to mimic god and by your actions you can rearrange atoms into meaningful theophanies and sacralize matter. I don’t know, it’s a thought. Whatever you do, do it strictly though, or else it will only work as well as your typical hippie new age bs. You need to mimic old timey religious dedication, that building and sustaining a worldview that keeps you sane and your life meaningful is an uphill battle that takes hard but fulfilling work. No hippie crystals gwyneth Paltrow crap.

[Anonymous No.12303605]

I am somewhat like you. Educated family, "intellectual" background (currently studying mathematics in uni), etc. These worries crossed my mind many times, and I was depressed and nihilistic for quite a while. I'm completely straightedge (don't even drink or smoke), but I actually ended up using psychedelics a few times to gain perspective on life. I would say it worked. I still have a generally pessimistic attitude toward the world, but the altered states I experienced during those trips allowed me to engage with my sense of identity and purpose in a productive way, and some peace came of it for me in the long term. That was around three years ago.

[Anonymous No.12304575]

>>12298531
armchair psychologist here.
What you have is imposter syndrome. work on fixing that.
Also meditate. Not on your thoughts, but preferably your breathing optionally things going around you. You need to get out of your head