/sci/ - Science & Math

>>5987643
What's purple and commutes?

>>5987648
Venereal diseases

That was dumb, OP.

>>5987648
Rai<span class="math">\mathbb{Z}[/spoiler]in-Modules

Economist is fucking hilarious. Physicist just makes the same joke over and over. The engineer making an overly complicated solution and the mathematician asking him why he doesn't just divide by 5 is backwards. The comp sci joke about counting from 0 was awful.

6/10

>i haven't ussed numbers since undergrad
MY SIDES

>>5987648
An Abelian Grape.

>>5988328

>>5987643
That was actually a lot funnier than I expected it to be. Thanks for the laughs OP

>Computer Scientist: Well… the waiter did only bring two orders of fries for the table.

>Physicist: We only ordered two.

>Computer Scientist: Exactly. We got the 1st order, and the 2nd, but never the 0th.

That's pretty clever actually

>>5987818
>The engineer making an overly complicated solution and the mathematician asking him why he doesn't just divide by 5 is backwards.
no its not. as an engineer, and someone who works with other engineers, i can tell you that its the right way around.

Author seems to be favoring Engineer a little more than the others, but the "why not divide by 5?" joke just about made up for it.

OP, that was great. Thank you.

Thoroughly enjoyed this. Thanks OP.

>Computer Scientist: Do you even know how to code?
>Mathematician: Why bother? Learning to code is also a trivial problem.

>>5987643
This is good shit. Post more science humor.

>Physicist: Huh?

>>5988420
Yeah, it definitely seemed that the MC of the story is the Engineer. Maybe the author is one

>http://mathwithbaddrawings.com/2013/08/13/the-kaufman-decimals

Well I know what I'll be using the next time a ".999... = 1" thread pops up.

>propaganda making engineers look the smartest

cool

>>5988374
>win

>>5988488
0.000...1 is (order isomorphic to) an ordinal number; omega+1. You cannot apply these ideas to real numbers.

>>5988524
>he overly complicated a problem and got told
Are you a computer scientist

moral: The economist never loses

Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog “Cauchy”?
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.


I have a huge .txt of jokes but they tend to favor engineers. Should I still post them?

>>5988374
>5988469
Oh my goodness, I'll have to remember that one

can someone post OP again? im only getting the first 5 lines

>>5989116
He posted the link.

>>5989116
go to the website
I had the same problem

>>5989138
>>5989139
goddamn, i need to sleep

>>5987643
I like every part except a small detail about engineering master race. Why, out of all people, should the engineer be the one who makes the problem more complicated than it is?

However, the part about integrals and partial derivatives indeed is very true. Already during my first year of electrical engineering, I had differential equasions, complex numbers, tons of integrals and derivatives, laplace or at least 60% of those in every subject, even easy mechanics.
Except of course informatics... Java and C++ were easy but damn the 50 pages exam for 2 hours in technical informatics was a pain! Assembly is even simpler but I hate time pressure!

>>5989204
>Why, out of all people, should the engineer be the one who makes the problem more complicated than it is?
Someone had a nice justification in the comment section.

>>5987643
>I haven't used numbers since undergrad

>>5989257
Keynesian Economist: Any quantity can be made prime by introducing more units of fiduciary media

Austrian Economist: Any number may be called "prime": it is entirely up to each person's subjective evaluation as to whether a number has been divided fairly.

Zoologist: The hypothesis that all odd numbers greater than one are prime has stood up to scrutiny. Experimenters distributing clusters of bananas noted a statistically significant elevation in baboon fatalities when the number of bananas is 3, 5, or 7.

Meteorologist: 3 is clearly prime. If you add one, it becomes non-prime. If you add one again, it goes back to being prime. We predict that 7 and 9 will be prime.

Climatologist: Ancient mathematical records suggest that 3 was prime. Based on the clear trend of alternating between prime and non-prime, computer simulations extrapolate that 37,541 will be prime.

Microbiologist: 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13 are all prime so I guess the problem with 9 is just contamination.

PROOF THAT ALL ODD NUMBERS ARE PRIME, BY FIELD

Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and 7 is prime. By induction, all the odd integers are prime.

Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is experimental error, 17 is prime, 19 is prime. The empirical evidence is overwhelming.

Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is a good approximation, 11 is prime...

Architect: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, the engineers will figure out how to make 9 prime, 11 is prime, ...

Lawyer: 3 is prime. That's our precedent case. And it's even backed up by 5 is prime, and 7 is prime…

Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime; uh, did you really need 9 to be prime? Because I could shift 2 more into this account and you'll have 11 which is prime, ...

Chemist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime... hey, let's publish!

Psychologist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is latently prime but repressing it, 11 is prime, ...

Quantum field theorist using renormalization: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is...uh, 9/3 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is...uh, 15/3 is prime, 17 is prime, 19 is prime...

College Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime. The rest are left as an exercise for the student.

Confused Undergraduate: Let p be any prime number larger than 2. Then p is not divisible by 2, so p is odd. QED.

Measure Theorist: There are exactly as many odd numbers as primes (Euclid, Cantor), and exactly one even prime (namely 2), so there must be exactly one odd nonprime (namely 1). Therefore, all odd numbers other than 1 are prime.

Computer Scientist: 10 is prime, 11 is prime, 101 is prime...

Economist: Assume 9 is prime...

English Major: 2 is prime, 3 is prime, 4 is prime...

Mythbusters: Some people think 4 is prime. We divide it by 2 and it doesn't explode! Therefore all odd numbers are prime. (What do you mean "one data point isn't enough?")

>>5989063
Yes!

>What that means here is that the amount of air flowing into an imaginary box surrounding a supersonically moving object must be equal to the amount leaving that box.
control volumes yay
>Now bear with me here by assuming that only the front and the rear of the box is allowing airflow (the sides are parallel to the flow and thus no mass crosses them).
yeah symmetry
>If that's the case, then the cross sectional area on the back of this box is smaller than that of the front (part of the back area is taken up by the object).
lets stick to 2D. so the cross-section line is longer in the back of the box and smaller than the front (draw a rectangle stupid, now draw a circle in the back line, look the line left over is shorter than the full line)
>In order for mass to be conserved, the air must either flow faster through the back (to compensate for the reduction in area) or it must compress and flow slower (meaning more mass is contained in a volume meaning less area is required on the back face of the box).
yes, also oh god compressible flow
>The first case can't possibly be true. Why? The air accelerating out the back means there would be a net force propelling the object even faster!
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...that took me a while to get. if the air is flowing faster that means the object is flowing faster (feedback loop magic etc)
>That's clearly not possible without a source of power.
is it? makes sense to me, just don't know why
> So therefore the air must compress.
k second option
> When air compresses, pressure waves form.
oh no. wait that's the normal sound
> Since they can't move faster than sound, they coalesce (into a discontinuity), forming a shock wave.
this is the part....
> There are other factors that affect the strength of a shock, but in general, the faster the flow, the stronger the shock (the air must compress a lot, meaning the pressure rise is high).
yeah shape, drag, flow, etc,etc

I feel like a 5 year old asking "why?"

>>5989266
since i keep asking questions i'll start posting them to keep my friend entertained while i draw out his patience. have a bunch of cartoons from webelements.com too


A man is flying in a hot air ballon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I was supposed to meet a friend 30 mins. ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer." says the balloonist.

"I am." replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am." replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well", says the man. "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow MY fault."

>>5989274
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.

The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.

The group is silent for a moment.

The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

How do you hunt elephants?
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass:
a) catch each animal seen
b) Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
c) Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm on their hands and knees.
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

pt 1

>>5989278
STATISTICIANS hunt the 1st animal they see N times, and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations Research Consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president gets to see them. If the vice president does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will :
1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight,
2. enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALESPEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as "Desktop Elephants"

>>5989279
My ArchE friend got really mad when I said this. (because she heard it before)

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

>>5989282
Q: What is the difference between an Engineer and a toilet?
A: The toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.
One day, an engineer died. He was the kind of engineer that built stuff, like air conditioners. When he died, he went to heaven, and met God. God said, "Hey! You're not on the list. Go to Hell."

So he walked down about 3,945,081 flights of stairs, and met the devil. Satan said, "Okay! Come on in." While in hell, he made all sorts of things, like escalators, air conditioners, etc.

One day, God called the devil and said, "You know that engineer? Well, he is supposed to be up here."

So the devil said, "Are you crazy? I won't give you this guy."

God said, "Well if you don't, I'll sue." The devil replied, "Sue? You can't sue me. You don't have any lawyers up there!"

>>5989283
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. Accounting demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1
Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.

>>5989284
In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
The mathematician said: "Never."
The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."
The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

>>5989285
keep going?


A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms. The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep. The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep. The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.

>>5989287
hey mr. shockwave man, I could still use your help :)


A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains," I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

>LOL
Fuck off

>>5989323
Lol that's pretty clever.

>>5989366
>>5989383
lol...i have one that'd stretch three comment windows


>>5989270
someone want to take over for my shock wave friend? maybe i'll stop bumping?

On the train to a math and engineering convention, a group of math majors and a group of engineering majors sat in the same car. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket, but it became clear that the group of engineers had only ONE ticket amongst them. The math majors started laughing and snickering.
When one of the engineers said "Here comes the conductor", all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, said "tickets please" and collected tickets from all the math majors. He then went to the bathroom, knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and left, and the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid.
So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for this time the whole group had NO tickets amongst them.
When the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!", all the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Just before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please."

One of my profs had this outside her class and I chuckled at it

Thank you OP, I didn't laugh this much in months.

I'll bump some more tomorrow. Maybe then someone will help me with my shock wave problem?


hat you will learn in Engineering

1. You can study hard and still fail.

2. You can not study and pass.

3. Multiple choice does not mean easy.

4. There are no trains here.

5. Six exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts.

6. You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final,
and still do better than an arts student in any arts class.

7. Pi to six decimal places.

8. Judging by fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks.

9. Everyone is someone else's wierdo.

10. Front-row people are weird.

11. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

12. A 95.75% can be an A.

13. An 80.1% can be an A+.

14. You can kill your neighbors with a 9-volt battery.
The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach
10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the data book.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Never try to fix the hardware with software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.

>nerd jokes
fuck off

>>5989063
>Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog “Cauchy”?
>A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
my sides

>>5989030

It seemed more like the engineer's only flaw is that he's TOO competent and clever. You can't make "being awesome" as your only flaw.

This is what science has been reduced to.

>>5989450
>5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
>4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
>3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
>2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
>1. Dilbert is a documentary.

It started out cute, but now I just want to kill myself.

>>5989513
It's true!

>>5989450
>>5989063

Can't you just upload the .txt, create a pastebin or something like that? Great jokes btw.

>>5987818
>The engineer making an overly complicated solution and the mathematician asking him why he doesn't just divide by 5 is backwards

Nope.avi have you ever met a mathematician or an engineer?

My econ teacher just told us last class:

"Why the fuck would you tip for service that you've already received?"

And I replied:

"I never do"

Then the three hottest sluts ran up and started sucking my cock and my teacher gave me a brofist for taking care of business.

>>5989743
>Why the fuck would you tip for service that you've already received?

Handicap principle. You flaunt your wealth and charitable nature without expending too much and buy favour for future visits.

2 Cauchy sequences are going out tonight, they find a "no-limit" party in town and try to enter the nightclub, but the bouncer says "sorry, we're complete".
I have no shame

"sorry we're closed" the barman says.
a tachyon walks into a bar.

[spoiler]xDDDDDDDDDDDD

Engineer: All right. I’ve computed the precise amount each of us should pay, using double integrals and partial derivatives. I triple-checked my work.

I fucking died at the triple checked my work part.

>>5989277
That image got me.

>>5989270
How is this a joke? I can't help but thinking you're just looking for some fluid dynamics understanding.

>>5989282
I'm actually starting my first job in one week to build weapons.

>Mechanical engineer

>>5989724
hmmm that's a great idea....
they aren't well formatted and there's definitely repeats
http://pastebin.com/gAGJ3XQc
still going to keep posting til someone helps me with my fluids problem since I've invested so much in this thread
>>5989270

Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says: -Hey, I see what your problem is.

>>5990966
where are you working?
can you hook me up?
ME just got kicked out of my masters program so looking for something to do this semester
>jon_snow@sharklasers.com

A biologist, a mathematician, and a engineer are sitting by an empty building. Two people enter, then shortly after, 3 walk out. The engineer remarks, 'We must have miscounted', The biologist remarks 'They must have multiplied. The mathmetician thinks, and remarks 'If one more person goes in, the building will be empty again.'

>>5987643
>Economist: In practice, yes. But my argument still holds in theory.
Fuck me I laughed.

Prof let me pull out my phone during a test so that I could take a photo of this gem that she put at the end. She was a great teacher.

>>5989754

Most restaurants won't remember you unless you're particularly cuntish.

>>5991459
What a horrible joke.