/sci/ - Science & Math

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg say, "No, but I know where I am."
*badoom tsss*

Biology.

>>4441354
Oh you

>>4441354
Shit. That one made me laugh hard.

here goes:

We don't serve faster than light particles here.

If you aren't part of the solution you are part of the precipitate.

Don't worry I only make chemistry jokes periodically.

A neutron walks into the bar and asks how much a double JD would cost him, barkeep says 'for you? no charge'

a tachyon walks into a bar

Archimedes, Pascal, and Newton are playing
hide-and-seek.
Archimedes covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal looks around and hides behind a bush.
Newton grabs a stick and scrapes a one meter by one
meter square in the
dirt and stands in it. Otherwise he does not hide
at all.
Archimedes opens his eyes and looks around. Of
course, he immediately
sees Newton and calls "I see Newton"
Newton calmly says "But hang on, one Newton in a
square meter is a Pascal!"

Skrillex makes a shite chemist, he's always dropping the base.

>>4441378
Now that's just to clever for it's own good.

I have a italian chemistry proffesor, I asked if we had any spair silicon, he said 'Si'.

A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion; that's my wife!"

>>4441378
I laughed

Two atoms go walking.
The first one says, "I think I lost an electron..."
The second goes, "Are you sure?"
The first one replies, "Yes, I'm sure."

>>4441396
I saw it coming and still giggled.

Holy shit, why am I actually laughing at some of these horrible puns?

Does anyone want to dump some of that witty science cat? I would like some, I only have two.

>>4441445
No. These image macros are horrible and not funny.

Back to le reddit.

>>4441446

I've never been to reddit actually.

The cat jokes are so horrible they do make me smirk a bit.

>>4441460
oh god why am I laughing?


also, fuck your subtle humor

This is the biggest science joke

>>>/sci/

>>4441504
why dud i laff

>>4441445

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve superconductors here." The superconductor doesn't put
up any resistance.

how do you solve a linear system of equations?
You try and gauss the solution

We just started learning about imaginary numbers, but I am going to give up, it's too complex.

"I forget the rest of the joke, but your mother is a whore."
"A tachyon walks into a bar."

A physicist, mathematician and a statistician were recruited for the armed forces and sent to the royal artillery. They were
ordered to fire an artillery gun onto an enemy base, and the mathematician stepped up first, made a few calculations and took
a shot. The shot landed 200 feet too short. "You fool!" the physicist said, "you calculated for perfect conditions!".
The physicist altered the calculations, took a shot and it landed 200 feet too long. The statistician stepped forward and
said "Good job lads, we got them!"

>>4441406
I actually laughed.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are sharing a room at a conference.
In the middle of the night, the engineer awakes, and notices there is a fire in the bin. He throws gallons of water over it till it goes out.
Later on, the physicist wakes up, and notices there is another fire in the bin. He solves the fluid mechanics equations and works out the exact amount needed to put out the fire. Satisfied, he returns to bed.
However, the mathematician soon wakes and sees there are still some embers in the bin. He then picks up a piece of paper and fans the embers, getting the fire going again. Having the reduced it to a previously solved problem, he returns to bed.

Whats the contour Integral around eastern Europe? Zero all the Poles are in western Europe!

Anything that doesn't matter has no mass.

My topology professor tried to drink tea from a doughnut.

A: "3.14% of sailors are pi rates."
B: "When calculating the circumference of the Earth, do they use the formula 2p(arrrrrrrr)?"
A: "I think so. Pirates DO excel in the field of mathematics, as they are constantly searching for 'X'"

Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
A: "Gotta split!"

There is a sign in Munich that says, "Heisenberg might have slept here."

2 bears fall into water. One falls into a lake, the other into Arctic Sea. Which one dissolves faster?
The latter - it is polar.

What happened to the guy who got down to absolute zero? He's 0K.

Kind of works better when you say it rather than type it.

A chemist, a physicist and a statistician get called to the Deans office, in the corner is a waste paper basket that is on fire.
The chemist says "the fire is caused by a reaction between the contents of the basket and the air, we should remove the air by throwing a blanket on the fire:"
The physicist says "the reaction can only occur because there is sufficient heat to sustain it, we should remove the heat by throwing water on the fire"
The statistician is not listening but is instead running around the office starting more fires, the physicist and the chemist exclaim "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
He looks at them like they are stupid, "I'm trying to get a bigger sample size"

A Pure Brownian Motion walks into a bar. He says "I'll have a glass of nothing!".
"Nothing?", the barman responds with a puzzled face.
"Of course! What did you expect?"

>to get to the other side
>why did the neutrino cross the 730km gap from CERN to the Gran Sasso lab?

>>4441567

I disagree. Surely if you say it you would sound retarded if you say "He's zero k"?

>>4441572

Why are these so funny?

>>4441574
That actually does work. I guess it even sounds funnier that way, haha.

>>4441545
>The statistician stepped forward and
said "Good job lads, we got them!"

"A Boy and His Frog"

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I'm not interested in girls, I'm gay; but a talking frog is cool." Then he pulled out his cock and started masturbating.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How can I suck it?"

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer and a biologist walk into a bar. They all order a beer, then the engineer starts drinking. His mates look at his glass:

The biologist says: "Your glass is half empty."

The physicist replies: "It's rather 60% empty..."

The mathematician says: "Well all we can say is that it's not completely empty and not completely full."

The engineer says: "I love cocks" then proceeds to pull out his dick and stick it up the biologist's ass. The biologist, startled, unzips his pants and punches the mathematician in the face. The mathematician falls over and the physicist profits from it, unzipping his pants too and sucking the mathematician's cock. The bartender's like: "What the fuck" but then the engineer grabs his pants too and puts his left hand on the bartender's crotch while his right hand fondles the biologist's balls. The biologist starts moaning while being fucked in the ass. Meanwhile, the mathematician regains consciousness and looks at the physicist busy sucking his rock hard dick. Since it feels good, he shouts "EJACULATIONS!" in a very high pitched voice. Meanwhile, the bartender is being aroused by the engineer's hand and pulls out his massive cock. The engineer then gives him a glorious handjob. Then everybody comes at the same time, the biologist cries: "I'm your bitch, fuck me, fuck me!" The physicist is being annoyed by all this noise and starts biting the mathematician dick and shaking his mouth. Eventually the severed part sails off in an arc. The engineering promptly cums, then looks at the mathematician and says: "What a shame. You'll never be an engineer".

>>4441560
reported for being terrible
Science jokes are supposed to be bad, not brain-damaging.

An biologist, a mathematician and a physicist walk in a bar. The bartender says that he will ask a question to everyone and if someone says the right answer they'll have a beer for free. He ask the mathematician "2+2 = 4?" The mathematician answers of course 4 . Then he asks the same question to the physicist and he answers 4 too. Then the engineer pulls out his dick.

A cop pulled over a photon speeding down the highway.

"Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" the cop screamed.

The photon said "fuck you," shot the cop in the face, and sped off.

Then a passing engineer stopped and sucked the dead cop's rock hard dick while masturbating himself to orgasm.

It was career day at Bobby's school and the children had been listening to some of the parents with boring jobs talk about what they do. They had heard a supermarket manager, a bank clerk, and a carpenter. The teacher knew that the pupils would lose interest unless she saved the more interesting careers for last, so the last three speakers were a policeman, a doctor and a mechanical engineer.

The policeman was really popular. He brought handcuffs, batons and other items that the kids could pass around. He even shows them how he arrests people by calling a volunteer to the front of the room. Almost everyone raised their hand.

The doctor brought a stethoscope, a sphygmomanometer and some other equipment. He talked about how he helps patients and he measures some of the pupils blood pressure. He too was really popular.

When Bobby's dad, the mechanical engineer, finally got up in front of the class, he opened up a case that he had with him and took out a very complicated device. It was mostly made of metal and it had gears all over the place. He plugging in a little motor and connected it to the machine an different parts started to rotate and oscillate. The children were complete amazing and Bobby looked proud. One of the pupils, Dan, raised his han... wait, that's not what happened. The engineer pulled out a big rubber dildo and shoved it up his arse and said that he does that all day. The doctor understood but the cop arrested him for indecent exposure. Now Bobby's dad gets to be an engineer in the prison shower.

You know, because engineers are gay, right?

A graduate engineering student who used to come to the university on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle.
"Where did you get the bike from?" his exclusively male friends want to know.
"It's a `thank you' present", he explains, "from that freshman girl I've been tutoring. But the story is kind of weird..."
"Tell us!"
"Well", he starts, "yesterday she called me on the phone and told me that she had passed her materials science final and that she wanted to drop by to thank me in person. As usual, she arrived at my place riding her bicycle. But when I had let her in, she suddenly took all her clothes off, lay down on my bed, smiled at me, and said: `You can take from me whatever you desire!'"
One of his friends remarks: "You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle."
"Yeah", another friend adds, "just imagine how fucking retarded you would have looked in a girl's clothes - and they wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

Then they all sucked one another's cock.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and suck some cocks." Then he fapped and came on the architect's face, who slurped the cum in delight.

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The Third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable." Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always suck my cock when I'm done"

A mathematician, a physicist, a biologist and an engineer observe 2 men enter a house, then 3 people leaving

Biologist: They must have reproduced
Physicist: There must have been a preliminary error in our counting
Mathematician: If one more person enters the house, it will become empty
Engineer: Oh boy, first two, NOW 3 COCKS TO SUCK

A physicist, a biologist and a mathmatician are sitting in a coffee shop across the road from a house. After a short time two people go into the house, a little while later three people come out of the house.

The biologist says: "They must have reproduced"
The physicist says: "Our measurements must have been wrong"
The mathematician says "If one more person goes into the house, it will be empty"
The Barista says "can you please tell the engineers to stop sucking dick, its disturbing the other customers"

An infinite number of mathematicians, a polar bear, helium, and a neutrino walk into a bar (ouch). One of the mathematicians then says, "the bar is now empty" and they begin to play hide and seek. The neutrino is then stopped by a police officer. Officer Heisenberg says, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" The neutrino replies, "I'm positive and a pascal but I don't know where I am." The bar tender then says "You're all idiots, the cows are all black" and pours 10 (in base 2, i mean 10) drinks and there is an extra dollar. The polar bear then dissolves in water while the helium does not react.

Then the engineer sucks a horse's cock.

Derailed, but derailed beautifully.

A mathematician, a physicist, a biologist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The biologist exclaimed that math is for low-functioning circle-jerking autists and proceeded to lodge the ball into a nucleic acid extractor.

The engineer tried to look up the model and serial numbers, but couldn't find them. Instead, he browsed /hm/ for thirty minutes so he could get another hour in on he time sheet and then told his manager that it's just not going to work. The engineer then grabbed his manager's cock and began rustling it around until he was bitch slapped and thrown in prison.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "And I'll suck their cocks when they least expect it, because I'm gay."

>>4441334
The 5 minute last fight sequence of Flight Of The Dragons. It's so bad it's awesome.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SoBadItsGood

A mathematician, a physicist, a chemist, a biologist, a computer scientist, a philosopher, a liberal arts major and an engineer have been asked the following question: "Are all odd numbers prime?"

The mathematician says: "Trivial."
The physicist says: "Well 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, let's disregard 9 as an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, well yes, they're all prime."
The chemist says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... yes, they're all prime."
The biologist says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime so yes, they're all prime."
The computer scientist says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime..."
The philosopher says: "No because 2 is even and prime."
The liberal arts major says: "Math is tough! Would you like fries with that?"
The engineer says: "I love cocks."

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer walk into a bar. They each order their drinks and then the engineer heads for the toilets. The mathematician and the physicist begin a discussion about the mathematical nature of the universe. The drinks arrive a few minutes later. After a while the physicist and the mathematician begin to wonder what's taking the engineer so long. Almost immediately, the barman walks past them escorting the engineer out of the establishment. When the barman comes back, they ask him what happened. He explains that this is the third time he's had to throw out the engineer for soliciting gay sex in a toilet stall, then hangs up a new sign banning engineers from the bar. It's funny because it's making fun of engineers. Well, no it's not. It's just fucking stupid. Wtf are you still reading this shit? Stop tapping my foot. I'm not a fucking engineer. wtfamireading.jpg

A party of people travel in a hot-air balloon. The balloon is blown out to sea, and after many days, land comes into sight again. When floating over the coastline, they see a man walking along a path. One of them shouts: 'Hello! Where exactly are we?'

The wanderer looks up, scratches his head, and thinks for some time. Then he shouts: 'You're in the gondola of a hot-air balloon!'

That must have been a mathematician. Because:
1) He thought a long time before giving an answer.
2) The answer is absolutely correct.
3) The answer is absolutely useless.

During the French Revolution, three professionals were arrested and convicted of having bourgeois values. They were a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. They were to be led to the guillotine one by one. The crowd was roaring with anticipated pleasure. First up was the doctor. How dare he enrich himself through other people's illnesses? The doctor was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. The blade started on its massive, implacable way down. And lurched to a stop. The official in charge declared that it would be inhumane to make the doctor suffer this way more than once, so he was setting the doctor free. The crowd howled. The executioner checked his equipment. All was in order. He put a small tree branch in, and successfully lopped it in half. He re-sharpened the blade. Next up was the lawyer. Who needs an excuse to wish such a lying, cheating scoundrel dead? The lawyer was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. Again, the blade stopped part-way down! The presiding official once again said that he would set this prisoner free because of the unusual circumstances. The crowd screamed in frustration. Now came the engineer, a man whose innovations and devices were costing jobs. The crowd fell silent. The executioner checked and re-checked his equipment.

>>4441543

Much appreciated.

These jokes are so bad they hurt, but I can't stop laughing.

>That feel when dry sense of humor.

>>4442114
As the engineer was marched up to the guillotine, he looked carefully at it, and said, "Wait. I see your problem...." He fell on his knees and suddenly grabbed the executioner's crotch who let out a moan of pleasure. The crowd watched the engineer unzip the executioner's pants and pull out his massive balls, amazed. The official in charge had trouble hiding his huge boner and started yelling more and more loudly. Finally the crowd was aroused too and the cock licking sound was hidden by the giant buzz of a thousand pants unzipping and dicks being pulled out and flogged. Eventually the engineer deepthroated the executioner's cock and many people in the crowd came, drowning the guillotine in a pool of semen.

>>4442111
I don't get it; when does the engineer suck the mathematician's cock?

>>4442040
>>4442045
You ruined the fun.

Heisenberg drives his brand new car off the lot. He glances at the speedometer, and then realizes that he's lost.

>>4442114
What's the original version of this?