/sci/ - Science & Math

Why did the chicken cross the möbius strip?

To get to the same side.

AWESOME guys.-

lmao

You laugh you ̶l̶o̶o̶s̶e̶ continue scrolling because you never really play the game anyway

Pics, jokes, come on guys!

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

>>3802919

good enough for a tattoo.

I lol'd.

Moar!

A party of people travel in a hot-air balloon. The balloon is blown out to sea, and after many days, land comes into sight again. When floating over the coastline, they see a man walking along a path. One of them shouts: 'Hello! Where exactly are we?'

The wanderer looks up, scratches his head, and thinks for some time. Then he shouts: 'You're in the gondola of a hot-air balloon!'

That must have been a mathematician. Because:
1) He thought a long time before giving an answer.
2) The answer is absolutely correct.
3) The answer is absolutely useless.

So a neutron walks into a bar and sits in front of the bartender who happened to be a proton. The neutron asks "How much for a beer?". The proton replies "For you? No charge!".

The neutron asks "Are you sure?". The proton says "positive!"

Aha, pretty lame!

Helium and Xenon walk into a bar. The bartender tells them to get the fuck out.

They don't react.

A superconductor walks into a bar and starts harassing the patrons. The bouncer tells it to leave before trouble starts.

It leaves without any resistance.

God DAMN, but these are really lame.

What is the name of the molecule CH2O?
Seawater

I don't think non lame ones exist, we are a bohrium bunch

c wat i did

ITT: the big bang theory, 4chan edition

To get to the other side
Why did the Neutrino cross the road?

A high speed rail suffers a grounding problem and every surface suddenly is a high voltage hazard.
Everyone is believed dead when they find the ticket controllant taking a nap on a toilet. Upon questioning he didn't notice anything and he takes a nap every day and nothing bad have happened before.
The investigation concludes that he survived because he was a bad conductor.

>>3803021
>>3802997
>>3803028

Are you kidding? I lost on ever account!
Sometimes the simplest things work the best.

>>3803065
I lol'd

>>3803028
I c it,

It was pretty good :3

>>3802918
we can use strike-through on this board?

Why do the gulf stream warm europe?
It's a strong current

Why did the mother of the stillborn midget child die of radiation poisoning?
Child had a very short half-life.

Why did they eject the fukushima fuel rods into /sci/?
No moderators.

What did the particle phycisist say when a digging crew tunneled into his living room?
'This is unlikely'
Why did it happen?
The operators fell asleep because it was a boring machine.

This one always makes me laugh.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen.
Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve found you!”
Newton says “No no, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve found Pascal!”

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion; that's my wife!"

>>3803305
I still dont get this

>>3803309
i lost

>>3803252

Took me a second, but holy shit did I lol

>>3803310

>>3803305
>>3803310
it's an anti-joke

"that's no X, that's my wife!" is used as a generic punchline regardless of if it makes any sense.

A Neutrino walks out of the bar.

The bartender says "We dont serve faster-than-light Neutrinos here"

A Neutrino walks into a bar

An engineer is working at his desk in his office. His cigarette falls off the desk into the wastebasket, causing the papers within to burst into flames. The engineer looks around, sees a fire extinguisher, grabs it, puts out the flames, and goes back to work.

A physicist is working at his desk in another office and the same thing happens. He looks at the fire, looks at the fire extinguisher, and thinks "Fire requires fuel plus oxygen plus heat. The fire extinguisher will remove both the oxygen and the heat in the wastebasket. Ergo, no fire." He grabs the extinguisher, puts out the flames, and goes back to work.

A mathematician is working at his desk in another office and the same thing happens. He looks at the fire, looks at the fire extinguisher, and thinks for a minute, says "Ah! A solution exists!" and goes back to work.

>>3803912
A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.

The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."

The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."

A mathematician, physicist, and engineer are taking a math test. One question asks "Are all odd numbers prime?"

The mathematician thinks, "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime -- nope, not all odd numbers are prime."

The physicist thinks, " 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime -- that could be experimental error -- 11 is prime, 13 is prime, yes, they're all prime."

The engineer thinks, " 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, ..."

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.

The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.

The statistician yells "We got him!"

There was a mad scientist who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener.

A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.

The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:

Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: assume the opposite...

pic fucking related

a enginer bilt sumthing
a fizziks profeser wurked out da problem wif fizziks
and tha mathemutshun just did math cos thats all they do lol!!!!

Three logicians walk up to the bar, the barmaid says "Does everyone want a drink?". The first logician says "I don't know", the second logician says "I don't know", so the third logician says "yes".

I never found Chuck Lorre's humor funny. Sure it is stereotypical and witty but that's it.

>>3803981
This one is awesome.

I thought my girlfriend might be 'The One', but after finding police, nurse and maid uniforms in her wardrobe, I realised she can't hold a job down.

As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air.

She then folded her arms and huffed, "You never make the first move."

"Jesus!" I said as I rolled my eyes. "Every night it's the same thing."

"Well you don't!" she moaned. "It's always me and quite frankly I'm fed up with it. And before you start, it's nothing to do with you being black."

"It is," I said.

"No, it isn't," she said.

"You know what?" I said as I jumped out of the bed. "You can stick the fucking chessboard up your arse."

A neutrino was at the doctor's the other day having a prostate examination when doctor said, "Oh my God!"

"What is it, Doctor?" neutrino asked, mildly shitting itself.

"You've mildly shat yourself," he replied.

An infinite number of mathematicians, a polar bear, helium, and a neutrino walk into a bar (ouch).
One of the mathematicians then says, "the bar is now empty" and they begin to play hide and seek.
The neutrino is then stopped by a police officer. Officer Heisenberg says, "Do you know how fast
you were going back there?" The neutrino replies, "I'm positive and a pascal but I don't know
where I am." The bar tender then says "You're all idiots, the cows are all black" and pours 10
(in base 2, i mean 10) drinks and there is an extra dollar. The polar bear then dissolves in water
while the helium does not react.

>>3803981
>>3804005
explain please

>>3804220

in Logic there are these things which can be considered "Don't Cares". When you're doing out Karnaugh maps etc. you can group the don't cares with the "Trues" when designing functions for logic gates, etc.

>>3804273
ah gotcha,

>>3804273

That was the worst fucking explanation ever.

The first two would say 'no' if they didn't want a drink. The third one says 'yes' because the first two essentially said that they wanted a drink, but didn't know if the others wanted one too.

>mfw when i've been through a lot of these threads and either know all the jokes or don't get why they're funny. looking them up takes time and ruins the punchline so even when i do figure out why certain jokes are funny i don't laugh
being a bored college student sucks

>>3804325
retarded people can't laugh at /sci/ jokes, deal with it

>>3804198
My god... it's the /sci/ joke to end them all

>>3804198

POLAR bear. Ha ha.

>>3802919
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who mistake it for Gray code.

Who's on first - /sci/ edition.

>>3804400
this is so fucking lame, dude...

>>3804382
That's only 11 types in Gray code...

>>3803271
Ian is that you?

I may be a physicist, but I'm no Bohr in bed.

>>3804438
I enjoyed it

Stolen jokes:

When i was in elementary school, my math teacher told me I was just average. Isn't that mean?

Two chemists walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The first chemist says, "I'll take some H2O." The second chemist says, "Yeah, I'll take some H20 too." The second chemist died.

Police officer stops a physicist.
- What's the problem?
- You didn't stop on the red light.
- But I am certain it was green when I drove by!
- So you'll also get a speeding ticket.

Photons have mass?
I didn't know they were catholics!

The bartender says, "sorry, we dont serve time-distorting particles here."
A tachyon walks into a bar.

Four engineers heading for a conference get on a train and sit around a table. They look across the aisle and see four mathematicians. They get talking, and it turns out they're heading for the same conference. One of the mathematicians interrupts, exclaiming "Oh shit, it's the guard, get moving gents!", at which point they all get up and run to the toilet and lock the door. The guard knocks on the door and says "Tickets please!", and a ticket emerges from under the door. The guard punches it and slides it back.

The mathematicians come back to the table and one of them tells the engineers "We've only got the one ticket between us." "Neat trick!" replies one of the engineers.
After the conference, the same group of engineers meet the same mathematicians. One of the engineers says "We've decided to try that trick, and we've only got the one ticket between us." The mathematicians say "We decided not to bother with a ticket this time. Crap, is that the guard?" The mathematicians run for one toilet, the engineers for the adjacent one. The engineers hear a knock at the door, and a voice saying "Tickets please!". They slide the ticket under the door, and a mathematician takes it.
(They took what the mathematicians knew, and applied it blindly. The mathematicians then derived a new method.)

>>3804683
Hopefully some of these are less groan-worthy than what we've been seeing so far.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an Computer Programmer" says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must work in Management". "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Why couldn't Heisenberg please his wife?
Because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy, and when he got the position, he couldn't get the momentum.

Why are physicists bad at sex?
Because when they have the position, they can't get the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position!

The math department's softball team went to their first game, but refused to play and had to forfeit.
They couldn't prove it was a field.

Why did the bear dissolve in water?
Because it was a polar bear.

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are
on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their
jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle:
a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!"
The statistician:
"It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra"
The mathematician:
"Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side"
The computer scientist:
"Oh no! A special case!"

>>3804693
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist: "One of the two measurements wasn't very accurate."
The biologist: "They have reproduced".
The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar,
The first orders a pint.
The second orders a half pint.
The third orders a quarter pint.
At this point, the barman stios and says "Hand on a minute." He then pours two pints.

Two atoms walk down the street.
"I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

To get to the other side.
Why did the tachyon cross the road?

Why did the CS major put a wreath on his door for Halloween?
OCT 31 = DEC 25

(That's all I've got.)
Also, if any of you enjoy really corny groan-worthy science jokes, I suggest looking up Brian Malow.

MOAR

>>3803305
i read this in dexters voice. laugh included.
i miss that show.

A scientist walks into CERN
"Hey there i'm looking for the Higgs Boson"
"Oh sorry doc, they dont exist"
Then God was real

Two atoms walk through an h-bar.
The tachyon replies "Are you certain?"
The first one says, "Wait, I dropped a pascal"
The first one replies "Yes I am, but I know its velocity"
The helium does not react, but the bartender pours two beers. The engineer in the weather balloon sees a cow and the mathematician builds it into a circle and writes "Inside" on it.

>>3806838
Higgs -is- the God particle.

>>3806850
and then GOD was real... GOD

>>3803252
Is it because he said 'Just H20' while the other guy said 'Some H20'

>>3807075
H2O too
h2o2

>>3806862

Where?

>>3804179
>>3803936
>>3803927
>>3803922
lost at these.

>>3807075
no.
>"h2o too"
>h2o2

kind of relevant at the moment.

Two neutrinos are walking down the street dubs get.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

>>3807175
cause 7 is a nigger

>>3807175
Because 7 ate 9

>>3807290
Really?

>>3807387
That is one of the oldest 'jokes' in the world. How can you not have heard of it?

>>3807398
That was a joke?

How could you tell?

>>3807416
Because it was a play on words, as is the foundation for most jokes.
'Ate' and 'eight' are homophones.

>>3807426
I don't get it.

>>3807432
Understandable. The joke is a poor one. Seven, Eight, Nine is a sequence of consecutive integers in the English language, and is easily recognisable, while the double meaning of 'Seven ate Nine' personifies the integers as characters capable of cannibalising one another, while also feeling emotions of fear and a will not not be eaten.

>>3807467
Not very funny. Are you sure it's a joke?

>>3807491
Yes. Just not a very good one.

>>3807495

>ITT: Asperger's

>>3807495

You're being trolled, you retarded fuck.

>>3807624
If he is from non-native English speaker he might understand that this is a joke that non-native speakers might find a bit confusing though entertaining nevertheless - as did I when I first heard it at uni.

Although it seems more like trolling the troll because that (789) was very certainly an obvious joke.

By this post I am replying to the feeder of trolled troll. Shall we go deeper?

>>3807624
If he is non-native English speaker he might understand that this is a joke that non-native speakers might find a bit confusing though entertaining nevertheless - as did I when I first heard it at uni.

Although it seems more like trolling the troll because that (789) was very certainly an obvious joke.

By this post I am replying to the feeder of trolled troll. Shall we go deeper?

>>3803297
lost it

>>3804175
i lol'd

our science teachers gone to heaven he wont teach no more,
for what he thought was h20 was H2SO4

did you hear about teh constipated theroretical phyiscist?
he sat down and worked it out with a pencil

>>3804175
lost

OP was a faggot,
each day until he died.
What he thought was a bag of dicks,
was uranium iodide.

>>3807698
good job bro. i'm considering hiring you.

Bump

Bump

>>3803951
I lost to this. That's.. kind of disappointing.