/sci/ - Science & Math

>>2825266
love it!

>a neutrino walks into a bar
>the barman says 'we don't serve your kind here'
>the neutrino responds 'don't worry, i'm just passing through

>To get to the other side.

>Why did the Tachyon cross the road?

>>lets make epsilon less than 0

OC: Made this up today.
Whats the difference between Fox News and Friction?

One's a conservative force...the other isn't, although they both cause retardation

>Hey, why are you so upset?
>Dude, I lost something man.
>What did you lose?
>An electron man, I'm an atom without electron!
>You sure man?
>Completely positive.

>I just lost an electron.
>Are you sure?
>Yes.

>>2825331
i feel bad for lol'ing

>>2825331
AHAHAHA IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THE ATOM LOST AN ELECTRON SO IT'S POSITIVELY CHARGED!!!!

>>2825349
>slowpoke.jpg

>>2825325
Friction isn't conservative.

>>2825349
Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here.

>a higg's boson walks into a catholic church
>the priest says 'you're not welcome here'
>the boson says 'but without me, you wouldn't have mass'

>>2825325
first OC in a joke thread in years, and a good one at that

>>2825366
Fox News is a conservative force, Friction isn't, but both of them cause retardation.

>Addected by Fox News detected.

>>2825366
... fuck.
Embarassing. Nevermind. Bye.

>Helium walks into a bar.
>Helium is a gas and doesn't walk, rather it floats. Nothing happens as it is transparent.

>>2825366
rimshot.tif

>>2825387
Fuck, *Affected.

>>2825383
im screenshoting this, its not everyday Josef fucks up

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two ”
beers.

>>2825467
I don't get it.

>>2825478
>>2825478
H2O2 is poisonous for human beings.

>>2825478
<span class="math">H_2O~too[/spoiler] sounds a lot like <span class="math">H_2O_2[/spoiler], an acid.

>>2825478
http://www.google.com/search?q=h2o2

>>2825486
>an acid

>>2825448
I can never wrap my head around why anyone would find this funny. The only possible reason I can see why people might get anything from it, is by people thinking 'haha I understand limits and thus understand this' but there is nothing funny to it.

>>2825494

hydrogen peroxide is a weak acid...

who knew.

>H2O2
>an acid
>facepalm
>feeling smug on the internet fuckyeah.jpg

>>2825494
>>2825520
What exactly is wrong with "an acid" here? (Not protesting, just trying to learn something.)

A neutron goes into a bar and orders a drink
The barman doesn't notice because neutrons are too small to see with the naked eye.

>>2825403
Here, have a personally crafted reaction image.

>>2825534

Hydrogen peroxide is usually not (read: I've never seen this) used as an acid. There's a reason we call it "hydrogen peroxide" (highlighting its primary use/classification as a peroxide) instead of hydrous acid or some bullshit.

>>2825467
I don't think its important that the first guy is a chemist.

>>2825562

It IS important to know that his unfortunate friend is an engineer.

>>2825531
Hi Josef, remember me? im the guy who masturbates to you. thanks for a new reaction image for me to use. now I have 3 of them(if I open all three its like im being gangbanged by a group of josefs)

hope to get more soon;)

>>2825509

I agree.

why does professor Alfred have a lamp in a perfectly well lit auditorium ?

>>2825586

>>2825552

>implying H202 doesnt have a pH of 6.2

German jokes:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

>>2825669

>he thinks a chemical has a certain pH
>he doesn't know about pKa

More German jokes:

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
"Would you like an ice pack?"

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"
The lawyer said "$400."
"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"
"I guess so," said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"

Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.
The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.

What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
An embarrassing situation

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
She was a schizophrenic.

How do you make a Swiss roll?
Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either jam or cream. The resulting flat sheet of cake and cream is then rolled into a cylinder. It's quite delicious, actually.

>>2825678

>implying I wasn't talking about pure hydrogen peroxide at equilibrium at 25C

An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician are brought in to perform under scientific observation. Each are placed one at a time into a small room with a table with three steel spherical on it. They are told they will have one hour to do something with the spheres.

The Mathematician is first and after an hour the researchers find that the center of the table has an equilateral triangle formed around it. Impressive they say.

The Physicist is next and after an hour the researchers find the balls stacked three high. Truly remarkable they say.

The Engineer is next and after an hour the researchers enter the room to find one sphere untouched, one broken, and the last missing.

More German Jokes

Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.

A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says "we're too heavy, one of you will have to jump!" The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.

As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.

A man walks into a bar.
He orders a couple of drinks, pays for them, and then proceeds to leave the premises, as his wife had told him that he must not be too late home.

Knock Knock
Who is there please?
Boo
I do not know anyone by that name. Unless you mean to startle me with the word 'boo', in which case you are quite unsuccessful. I see no need to open my door in either case.

More German Jokes

How can you tell that your girlfriend's too young for you?
Often the level of rapport enduced from conversations and activities is dependant on sharing mutual interests and beliefs. A significant age gap can compromise this, although it is not a concrete determiner of a relationship's potential success. Another thing to take into account is that the legal age for consentual sex is 16, although it is often (wrongly) considered a taboo for a man of 20 years or older to date a lady who is less than 18, the minimum legal age for drinking in the United Kingdom. However, when the roles are reversed it can be considered a positive trait for a younger man to have a mature partner.

A man dies and goes to heaven.
This is an assumption based on religious faith.

Why can't Stephen Hawking dance?
He has Motor Neurone disease.

A man is walking through the desert, searching desperately for water. Suddenly, he stumbles across a stall.
"Do you have any water, please?" he asks the merchant.
"Sorry mate, I only sell ties here" is the reply.
The man continues his increasingly futile bid for quenched thirst, and finally reaches another merchant.
"How can I help you, mate?"
"Water! I need water!"
"Well, you've come to the right place."
So the merchant gives the man some water, they shake hands, and have a long and hearty laugh over the redundancy of a tie shop in the desert.

>>2825701
is it because the engineer's a fag?

>>2825719
What the fuck does "German jokes" have to do with that?

>>2825741

oh, im sorry, i thought that was a known constant

>>2825761
Well I would assume it comes from the stereotype that germans are humorless.

Johnny was a chemist
But Johnny is no more
What Johnny thought was H20
Was H2SO4

>>2825791
I know lots of German people that are funny.

>>2825811
Oh wow that was surprisingly funny

One of my favorite pics

>>2825693
>>2825705
>>2825719

Thanks for the laughs bro! Not /sci/ related though.

>>2825665
>>2825693
>>2825705
>>2825719
I understand that the entire point of these is that they're not funny, but seriously now. They're not fucking funny.

>>2825855
They're anti-jokes, they are far superior to jokes.

who knew such wisdom could be found on 4chan?

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are drafted to fight into a war and assigned to an artillery piece. The fire control system breaks, so they're required to manually aim the gun.

The physicist says "no problem guys, I've got this!" He busts out his projectile motion equations, lines up the gun and takes a shot. It lands 100 meters short of their target. The Engineer laughs, and says "You fool! You calculated for ideal conditions!" He makes some back-of-the-envelope calculations, adjusts the gun and fires again. This time, it overshoots the target by 100 meters.

The statistician stands up and shouts "We got 'em!"

>>2825855
You know what else is not funny?
The Holocaust

>>2825855
I think the point is that reading them feels to normal people like reading real jokes feels to asspies.

>>2826015
Got me.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathemetician are staying on one floor of a hotel. A fire breaks out in the corridor. The engineer looks at the fire, runs back into his room, fills his bin with water from the tap and throws it on the fire. The physicist looks at the engineer and the fire, and closes all the windows and doors to starve the fire of oxygen. The mathemetician looks at the engineer and the physicist, then at the fire extinguisher on the wall. He exclaims "A solution exists!" and goes back to his room.

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated but I've got many degrees"

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"