/sci/ - Science & Math

>tfw been depressed for so long i dont feel sad anymore, sometimes i wish i could but as soon as i do i instantly repress it
i dont want a hug anymore
i dont want to be around people
i just want to be left alone but that sucks

>tried exercise like hiking and such but eventually seeing enough people on the same trails made my social phobia kick in
>tried seeing a professional but they either want to push meds on you or talk about things you already know the answers to
>tried working in places with positive normal people, what a fucking nightmare that was
>try to pick up a hobby like gardening or soldering but fail

my whole life is a mess, physically and mentally, and as soon as i start trying to pick up the pieces i realize how far i have to go just to get peace of mind. the best thing that's come from this is the death of my ambitions, i let go of any possibility of getting a gf, or degree, or working above blue collar because it really hurt to think about how many times i've failed those basic things.

but hey, its not all bad. one day i might kill myself and in the meantime i can just use drugs so my existence isn't pure suffering anymore. I guess im not all gone like i'd like to think, i realize how hearing this would make my parents feel and that sucks, but making my parents proud has never been able to motivate me, so that feeling is stuck in limbo.

THAT is depression