/sci/ - Science & Math

Really more of a medical (psychiatry) question but I'm wondering if there's a specific point I can research regarding suicidal tendencies. I don't want to look it up on google because I don't want my shit to get flagged.
Unsimply put, for the decade and a half I've had at least one suicidal thought a day but in the last few years, about once every two weeks, I end up with something far stronger. My mind loses all abilities to focus, and does what I can only describe as shaking and it leaves me with an outright compulsion to kill myself. I'd best describe the feeling as going five days without water and staring at a glass full of it while trying not to drink it. I had gotten pretty good at dealing with them, even using alcohol as medicine if its really bad, but lately they've been coming on stronger and stronger.
I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for advice, just seeing if anyone has any useful info for me to go over regarding it to see if I can get these new impulses under control before the one time I can't.