/lit/ - Literature

Hey guys, I pitched this idea to /b/ a while back and I'm just about done writing the first chapter. It's an alt-hist scenario during the 2016 election, to see what would have happened if the democratic states had seceded from the union due to Trump being elected. I got the idea from Turtle Dove's CSA scenario. Anyway, I was hoping I could get some advice and direction, and if you guys are interested, I can post what I have so far.
so I guess this is a
/Alt Hist/ thread?

>>6695453
Say whhhaaattt!!

>>6695042
Yes, but they are aware they are shadows. Granted their imaginations could wander.....

More great tips y'all. This is why I love 4chan. Thanks a bunch :)

>>6694970
This is actually very helpful. Thank you. I will def look up that book. Thanks again!

>>6694904
Yeah, great. V atmospheric, but was kinda hoping for something shorter and snappier. Very nice try though. :p ><

>>6694896
Bahahahahah. Yup, thanks :D

>>6694892
Good point. This sentence is driving me nuts though. Wanted to reach out for a alt opinion. :)

Things that go "bump" in the night!

>>6694832
Yes, but this sounds like the trees are literally standing against the walls. Nearby is too vague. Sentinels to dramatic. I do like it, but I want the sentence to be more precise!!!

Or is this sentence perfect already. I mean, seriously!? I'm sure someone here can do better!!

Hi, Im trying to create and ominous spooky feeling as two boys sneak through their house in the middle of the night. I just can't make this sentence sound right. Please help me to revise it! Light is coming through a window, through some trees, and casting impressions of their branches on the living room walls.

"Downstairs, the curtains in the living room were open. Orange streetlight shone through the ash trees that lined the road, casting a shadowy impression of their branches on the magnolia walls"

"The curtains were open. Orange streetlight shone through the window, casting a shadowy impression of....."

"Orange streetlight streamed through the window, casting shadowy impressions of the roads ash trees' branches on the magnolia walls."

Waaa, this sucks. Please help me to rewrite. Thanks

I'm really happy with all the input I have had in this thread. It's been very helpful. Some of it contradictory! Nonetheless, your critiques are appreaciated greatly.

thanks. very useful.


>>4622807

>>4621123
Agreed, and actually the city can be mentioned later in the story, after the meteorite hits. I will try and cut straight to the important, and interesting things.

>>4621059
I think, I think!

>>4621039
I think it is a good idea to start with the meteorite. I think at some point I will rewrite the entire first chapter.

Thanks for your input

>>4621007
The story is not just from her perspective. There are a ton of other chracters who are in no way mentally impaired. I guess I would refer to her as the "key".

This scene is very important because a meteorite hits the planet!!

>>4620990
Aren't you allowed to be blunt in your fiction writing course??

>>4620973
Grrrrrr. Stop hijacking my thread. :D

>>4620925
Sorry, just saw this. Yes, you're right, but some people will like it, and some won't. Like I said, it's difficult to critique, when you don't know what happens in the rest of the story. This character is important, but her introduction has to be ambiguous and mysterious.

ABout the sentence you have rewritten - I want to convey that her body is heavy, and difficult to move. She is a giant. I also want to show in this paragraph that her mind is primitive, but she has been having more and more humanistic thoughts recently because of what will conspire in the rest of the story. So I think your rewrite doesn't convey that at all.

Anyway, you must think it has potential, because you took the time to comment, and I thank you for that.

>>4620775
I guess its difficult to critique one paragraph when you don't know the context, and what happens in the whole story.

>>4620628
Ok. The city plays an important role in the story, and an important role with the character, so I want to mention it early on. Also by doing this you get an idea of her location in the world I am building.

Whilst - I am English, and think whilst is a fine word to use. Would you suggest I change it to when?!

After hours of inactivity - "She hadn't moved for hours, and getting up emptied her mind of thoughts". How you have rewritten the sentence doesn't convey the same message at all.

What's wrong with using long sentences? There are short sentences too. There's an even mix.

I have been slaving over this.

Thanks anyway, but I disagree.

>>4620556
Yep, and of the conclusion, I have no idea!