/lit/ - Literature

>>9555781

Ok, thanks, I can see that and I'll think about putting some stuff between those two.

https://pastebin.com/DbwL3rQC

New story I'm working on still a pretty early draft


https://pastebin.com/DbwL3rQC

>>9548296

I'm not knocking the actual content but it feels excessively written. The way I see it you could forgo the sprawling descriptions and keep it simpler and cleaner. Though that's only really a problem in the first paragraph try to keep it more like the 2nd/3rd


Heres my story, still a really early draft

https://pastebin.com/DbwL3rQC

>>9548501

I found this decently intriguing but I'd really cut down on the long sentences. Same with short or non, it's fine to have a few for effect but this was tiring to read at the start. Break it up a little and it should be fine.

New story I'm working on still a pretty early draft


https://pastebin.com/DbwL3rQC

>>9521856

seems cool, if you fuck it up as a book do a visual novel.

>>9521786

I would if you wrote it well, good way to make an anthology of short stories

>>9278502

You write very densly, it chokes up the scene imo, the quite blunt metaphors and really long sentences make it a slog to read through imo. You could easily tidy it up though by just being more harsh with yourself and using only what you need.

Also I'm not opposing to using an old sounding dialect as your voice but here I think it would work just as well if you just eased up on it a little. This scene is a brief exchange but it's stuffed as though it were a full chapter, let it breathe and bit and I think it'd be far more interesting.

Here's something I started a few days ago, no character names yet I just wanna see what you guys think of the style.

http://pastebin.com/cGqsA9xk

>>9137422

thanks a lot, sorry bout the spelling mistakes I usually try to iron them out before posting.

http://pastebin.com/amcR7zwN

Posting my again because I haven't gotten any crit yet and keep getting buried. Will contribute some more tho

http://pastebin.com/amcR7zwN

>>9128782

ah ok I see now. I'm a native Polish speaker myself so I can see where mistakes like that happen. Good luck with the rewrite

>>9127190

What language was it originally written in ?

Although it's either a translation note or a stylistic I'm sure but the

>He x
>He z
>He w

just feels like I'm reading a checklist and it stops the story's flow every other moment.

>She was homely. This also irritated him.

Show don't tell, literally the first thing anyone will tell you. Especially frustrating since you just described her as homely. Bitch looks like she's wearing a sack, there was no reason that bluntly hammer that in.

And in the second paragraph

>There were
>There were

This is the type of thing that'll make me instantly doubt your writing ability surely you can stitch this description better than that.

Any substance in this story has just been drowned out for me under all the basic mistakes and stunted flow. I'm hoping this is due to a bad translation.

Also

>roach

"You gotta be crazy on acid to think a joint looks like a goddamn cockroach."
Fear and loathing in Las Vegas already covered that one for me

http://pastebin.com/amcR7zwN

Here's something I wrote last night when I sleepy af at the cinema.

>>9117800

Ok I get what you're trying to say with this but I mean at it's core so what ? The duality of man and that entire blanket of philosophy has already been covered. As an intro it's far far away from being bad but you need to present something new to us. Like take this as another example : The salaryman is a soulless drone. I see that a lot in crit threads but it's always just pointing that out, not giving a perspective or a solution to it or anything. You get me ?

Yo, crit thread you know how this goes by now. Post your own work, have it read and critiqued and do the same for others. Don't expect replies if you don't give feedback.

Here's mine, not part of anything just an exercise in presenting a character.

>>9114869

It's well written I'll admit, if a little poetic for my taste. But it didn't stimulate me sexually. I think it's lacking the rawness that 50 shades tier erotica captures. You understand? I understand wanting to write something that's erotic AND good literature but I feel that maybe this goes a little to far ? I'm not sure, I'm not totally aware of who this is meant for or how you plan to present it so this advice might be garbage but maybe see if you could try mixing the soulful with the crude side of sex ?

I'd be intrigued to read the whole thing however, perhaps just having excerpts threw me off.

http://pastebin.com/fcsj6zNN

Ok so I, redid the punctuation,did some basic editing and I'd like a second round off opinions because honestly I'm just not feeling this.

>>9107820

for what it's worth I really enjoyed what you offered last time

>>9107803

yeah the cave. I see what you mean thanks a lot

I think I recognize your story, is the one with the girl who draws all over the walls and her adopted father acts exasperated ? I think it was planets or something she was drawing.

>>9107745

Well shit, I'll have to take a good hard look at those, thanks. What makes you think the first ones better

>>9107683

I haven't slept in like 24 hours so I'm totally fucked rn , but once I sleep it off I'll come back with some in depth crit but. Feel's very Fincher-esque ( at least the empty,desolate almost surreal way the imagery played out in my head) also idk if it's just because of how I feel rn but the disjointed thoughts and simple phrasing resonated with me

Second excerpt. This time I tried to work on presenting a character.

http://pastebin.com/uT9VEvdf