/lit/ - Literature

>>6118187
But, uh, it's not an essay, it's a fiction writing exercise

>>6115780
No, it's bad writing

>>6115430
>All in all, he was an unsettling sight
You want to avoid sentences like this where you're just nonspecifically summarizing or previewing information given elsewhere. Let your reader judge that he's unsettling.

Incomplete sentences in prose really peeve me, especially when you do it several times in a row

>manifested from the idea of possessing strength
I don't like manifested. This whole bit is awk. I would cut it maybe. The surrounding sentence is excellent.
>his movements looked eerily fluid
be more specific here
>like the scripted motions of a robot
generic, uninspired simile. It doesn't add anything.
Last simile is okay actually, but don't feel pressured to pack your prose with similes. If you're writing a short story or something, try to limit yourself to one simile every two pages, if not less.

Promising overall. Read How Fiction Works maybe, if you're serious about writing.

>>6114025
Take psychedelics, which effectively make you more intelligent. That'll help you get inside your character's head.

>>6115369
You should maybe mention in the first sentence that he's on a piano bench so your reader can get their bearings
>absent minded precision
cut, already implied by "waltz"
This sentence goes on for too long
>curls making the initial impression of neatness
awk
>comely, chagrin
These make your prose sound a little purple
>less the demands
don't know what you're saying here
>avid contortionist
Sounds forced. Take a look at my bitching about similes >>6115208

Not bad though, at least your descriptions are very specific. Writing is probably 50% just being specific.

>>6115354
I figured you were just here to shitpost, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt

>>6115329
Much love

>>6115226
>lay he
>11 stone
Are you a knight?
>Filling the room
Filling the room/air is a writing cliche. Just say "He smelled like..."
Last sentence is great if you cut the comma

>>6115094
>What a shitty day this is going to be
This is very edgy. Do you actually do this?
Next sentence is too long and a little overwritten.
>illuminated
just say "lit up" so as not to risk sounding like you're trying to be poetic
>treatised
I feel like I should not like this, but I like this

Your writing is creative and you vary your syntax a lot, which is important.

>>6115051
>Beatles-esque
awk
>pseudo-smile
awk
>unsightly manner
nonspecific, awk
>rail thin
cliche
>His clothing made...
The personification of his clothing is sort of creative, but I don't think it works
The rest is great tho, very specific and evocative

>>6115069
I know this is a joke post but it's pretty good if you cut
>hot dry
and
>as they went

>>6114956
>Every piece of his form...
good stuff, very evocative
>as though his body was conspiring against itself
I think you can cut this. It sounds sort of cliche.
Also, beware of questions in prose unless there is a very good reason to use them, and beware
of parallel syntax.

>>6114667
>Black and Peruvian blood, though he won’t say it.
Maybe this is just a pet peeve of mine, but incomplete sentences like this. They make me feel like I'm listening to a detective

>The war dance...
I just don't know what you're talking about here

I like the rest well enough. It's concise and punchy.

>>6114655
>the fish lips of an alcoholic
I love this

>lithe
already implied by
>marathon runner

Also too many adjectives

The fishy lips tho, that's a gem

>>6114598
>like a floodgate, unleashing a torrent of nonsensical jumble.
The simile is a bit self-indulgent. Use similes less, is my recommendations. Beginning writers use them way too much. One could conceivably write a novel without a simile and it would be fine.

I don't like
>compulsive
because it's already implied by
>constantly parted

Other than that, good, much better than the last one

>>6113936
I think that's totally fine actually. Sometimes all it takes is one word to push it over the edge.

>>6113615
>nice projecting
I'm a homeless black man in a public library in Tangiers actually.

>>6113608
I'll bet they'd rather party with football players than pale tryhards

>>6113595
Compared to, say, the football frat, how well attended are your parties?

>>6113584
>Humanities Frat
Wow, they have those? Do I even need to comment on this? Isn't this self-evidently pathetic enough?

>>6113564
Even if you win this internet argument, you'll never experience the joy of love, you're a fraternity sheep (lol) and you probably won't live a very meaningful or literary life, unlike me.

>>6113555
>In literary criticism, purple prose is prose text that is so extravagant, ornate, or flowery as to break the flow and draw excessive attention to itself.[1] When it is limited to certain passages, they may be termed purple patches or purple passages, standing out from the rest of the work.

Can we just compromise and call it a purple patch?

>>6113549
I'll bet you've never given a woman an orgasm. I can sense it in your syntax.

>>6113545
Sorry for being such a dick here

>>6113534
>frat dues
the ruse is up old sport